Last time on; With a Side of Oden:
"Memes Jack! The DNA of the Soul!"
Zoro looked at the floating cross-section of a person incredulously, "My name isn't Jack."
Monsoon scratched his chin. "...that does explain the green hair and… the lack of cybernetics…"
Meanwhile, elsewhere:
"Where the FUCK is that damn swordsman!" Nami screeched, punching Cabaji one more time to vent some anger.
The acrobat prayed for mercy from a god that wasn't listening.
Usopp gazed out to the seas, fighting against their call. It was a daily occurrence at this point, part of his routine.
Wake up, lie about pirates coming, meet up with the kids, and then face out to the sea, listening to the waves, imagining the adventures they bore witness to on faraway shores beyond the horizon. Use that to create more lies to tell Kaya, get her to smile her pretty smile, and giggle at his antics.
He grinned like a dope, looking up to the skies dreamily, thinking about that small smile.
"...I hope you get better soon…"
He didn't wanna say those words to her, he never wanted to say those words to anyone again. He sniffled, his mood drooping as he jerkily sat back up, trying to get the stinging out of his eyes with the back of his arm before gazing back out to the ocean.
That's when he saw it.
A ship with the Buggy Jolly Roger painted onto the canvas of its main sail.
"...oh no, no, no…"
He shot a glance back to the village behind him, chewing one of his fingers and punching his own shaking knees in an effort to calm down. "Ok, Usopp, calm down. It's a small ship… I can bluff my way out of this. I'm the great captain Usopp, of course I can!"
He pulled out a spyglass from his pouch, scouting out the approaching ship.
He witnessed a gigantic woman cuddling a lanky man, a red head screeching and a green-haired man taking a nap.
He lowered his spyglass, rubbed his eyes then took another look.
"I KNEW it!"
"Halt!"
Luffy unceremoniously dropped the anchor on Zoro's foot, all four people snapping to attention to glare at the source of the sudden intrusion. Zoro stiffened, howled in pain, and then turned to punch the rubber man on reflex.
Luffy hadn't had the proper stance to tank the impact, getting flung off the boat and into the waters. Yamato lept in after him in a panic.
Usopp watched on as chaos unfolded below him, the four pirates panicking as the giant woman and the lankier man struggled for a moment before going completely limp, only starting to stir again after the screaming red-head managed to pull them out of the ankle-high water.
He didn't know if he should be less scared or more as they locked back onto his position. His legs started trembling as the swordsman seemed to kick the anchor off his foot and glare at him with his hand on his blades.
"You're not taking any of our women!" The cowering sniper declared, gripping his slingshot as if he could squeeze another drop of bravery out of his soul.
The group of four below the cliff just paused, looking amongst themselves.
Luffy stepped up, scratching his head with his hat. "...we don't want your women? We want a boat?"
"Liar!" the liar screamed back, glaring down at the enemy captain. "I know you're here to kidnap more women for your Amazon kingdom!"
All four looked at each other again.
"When will the growth drugs you take gonna kick in, huh red-head?!" Usopp continued, unabated by the confusion he was causing.
Nami looked offended by the concept. "Excuse you? I'm all natural!"
"I mean, Luffy, would you like them a little bigger?" Yamato asked, groping her own chest.
Usopp promptly had a nosebleed and fell down the cliffside.
The four looked at the smoking crater where the long-nosed man's crumpled body lay.
"...you guys think that fixed him or made him worse?" Luffy asked, tilting his head.
He turned to see Nami staring at Yamato fondling her chest. Something clicked in his head as he watched for a second, and he licked his lips.
"...are you hiding dumplings in there?"
"Not since last time…" the tall samurai mumbled, looking slightly nervous.
"Ok, so, you're not a scouting party from an Amazon island, looking to capture more members and breeding stock?"
Luffy pulled his pinky out of his nose, blew on it, and then turned to Nami. "...my brother got like this when my grandpa punched him once. Do you know how to fix it?"
Nami looked at him incredulously. "I can't fix brain damage, Luffy."
"You can only give it." Zoro snarked, then promptly grunted as Nami made his point for him.
"...Oh! Oh yeah, Ace!" Yamato seemed to vibrate, grabbing Luffy by the shoulders. "We should find him!"
"I know! But he's in the Grand Line, so we gotta wait until we get there!" Luffy cheered, unsurprised about Yamato knowing about his brother.
"You're going to the Grand Line?" Usopp wheezed, stuck between the window and the ragdolled Luffy getting shaken by Yamato, who he had assumed was the rubber man's amazon captain. "My dad's out there too!"
"Ew, same." Yamato grumbled, letting go of her captain and crossing her arms. "How did you escape yours?"
Usopp blinked. "...he left the island to have a grand pirate adventure?"
Nami scrunched her eyebrows in disgust, Zoro was still nursing his drink and the welt on the back of his head, Yamato didn't look convinced, and Luffy looked like he was thinking for once.
"...wait…"
Usopp watched in confusion as Nami looked scared about Luffy having a thought.
"Usopp… Yasopp… wait! Is Yasopp your dad!?"
Usopp didn't get to confirm before Nami punched Luffy on the side of his head. The young captain's rubberized skull hit the sniper like a dodgeball and crushed him against the window of the store.
Nami's cheeks were still flush with embarrassment as Usopp rushed out of the bar, avoiding Yamato's smug look. "How was I supposed to know that Luffy was right?"
"Maybe let the longnose finish responding to him first?" Zoro offered, getting a stomp on his anchor-damaged foot in response. He reflexively tried grabbing it, only to hit his head on the table in the process. "Why…" he wheezed, holding onto his foot.
Luffy and Yamato were laughing their asses off.
"You don't butt in before you get lost in the convo," Nami growled, then grabbed Luffy by the face, stretching his cheeks like he was a living stress toy. "Why are we even here, idiot!?"
"Do ged a sheb," Luffy babbled.
"This place doesn't even have a shipyard!" Nami whined, letting go of his rubber face and letting it snap back together. "Why do I even let you choose the course?"
"He's our captain," Yamato announced with pride.
Nami looked at her dumbfounded. "...I'm starting to have my doubts about your future story."
The taller woman wilted. "But I am, though!"
"Where is Captain Usopp?"
The four turned to look at the three children that seemed to pop into existence at the head of their booth.
Zoro smirked for a moment, noticing that Luffy was nibbling on a bone again with the corner of his eye. "You see, kids… we kinda ate him!"
The three children screamed, pointing at Nami, "Onibaba!"
Nami pointed at Yamato. "She literally has horns! Why am I the monster!?"
The children only screamed louder, fleeing the bar like their apparent 'captain'.
"And that's when I realized, 'wait this isn't an island… this is goldfish po-"
"-can we have a boat?"
Usopp paused, slowly turning to the source of the interruption, Kaya busting into a fit of giggles at his reaction. Her titters quickly devolved into a small fit of coughs, Usopp reached in to gently rubh her back in concern, Kaya smiling weakly and leaning into his touch.
Satisfied that she was fine, Usopp turned back to the straw-hatted teen. "Oh! Luffy, what are you doing here?"
"Asking for a boat!" Luffy cheered with a dopey smile. "So, can we?"
"And who are you ruffians supposed to be?"
"Klahadore!" Kaya gasped.
"Oden!"
"The future King of the Pirates!"
"Nunya Business."
"Did you just call us ruffians?" Nami blinked, looking more offended than at the time back on the cliffs even as her three crewmates shared amused looks. "Luffy let's get out of here, they don't have anything worth our time."
"That's right!" Klahadore continued. "We don't have anything to give to your kind, scum."
"Who's we? Are you speaking French?" Zoro grumbled. "Cause my captain wasn't asking you."
"Your captain pesters sickly woman then, huh? Pirate bastard. Just like that fool on the branch."
"Don't bring me into this!" Usopp growled.
"I'm sorry, that was uncalled for," Klahadore admitted, adjusting his glasses with his palm. "It's not your fault that your failure of a father left you here and ran away. That coward."
Everyone seemed to quiet down in shock at the words of the butler.
"...Luffy, why does he have golden poop on his suit?" Yamato asked, not even attempting to whisper.
Klahadore grit his teeth. "How dare you."
"No! How dare you!" Usopp screamed, finally finding his words again. "My father is a brave warrior of the seas! How could you say that about him!? Take that back!"
"H-he's right!" Kaya supported, leaning out her window a little "Klahadore, apologize!"
"I will not, Miss Kaya," the butler huffed, stiffening as he glared up at Usopp. "I am aware of your daily rendezvous with this pirate-borne, but you shouldn't let his lies cloud your judgment. His father was nothing but a drunk who couldn't bear having a sickly wife and ran away. He was a coward that didn't even fight for the ones he loved."
Nami took a step back like she had been struck at just how easily the butler tossed someone's past at their feet. "What the fuck?"
"Y-you bastard. My father left before my mom got sick!" Usopp growled, his hand on his slingshot. "Take all of that back! My father is a great man; I'm proud to be his son!"
Klahadore scoffed, pointing to the slingshot in his hand. "What, you didn't like what I said, so you're gonna threaten me with that? Typical thug." The man sneered, fingers flexing slightly under his gloves.
"...weapons aren't for threats." Luffy started, face hidden in the shadows of his hat, before punching Klahadore hard enough the send the man flying into the hedge-maze. "They are for actions."
Usopp looked like he was in the presence of a sage, Yamato nodding along with Luffy's teachings. Even Nami huffed with approval at the actions of her idiotic captain, crossing her arms.
Zoro woke up from his nap with a snort. None had noticed that he'd taken one. "Oh, good. Golden-turd is gone. Seriously, who shat in his cereal?"
"Maybe his tailor?" Nami offered with a snort.
"...I- uhm…" Kaya seemed lost on whether to be worried about Klahadore's health, apologize for what he'd said, or demand the straw-hatted teen apologize to her butler.
"How?!" Klahadore seemed to pop back into existence, panting heavily with his suit in tatters. "How did you know I was the pirate captain Kuro?!"
Everyone blinked owlishly at the statement. An unspoken 'who' emanating from their collective consciousness.
"I knew it!" Usopp screamed, not knowing who 'Kuro' was, firing off a lead ball and catching Kuro on the nose, the cartilage crunching. The man roared in pain, holding the geyser of blood that spouted from his face.
"I'll kil-!"
Nami smacked the man on the neck with her bo staff, the demented butler crumpling to the floor in a heap. "Ok, no, seriously, what was his damage?!"
"My three-year plan can't end like this…" Kuro's gurgled protest was silenced by Yamato's club smacking down on his head, cratering the floor beneath him.
"He doesn't know when to shut up, huh?" she growled, clenching her teeth, baring her sharp canines.
Kaya was still trying to get the wind back into her lungs after all the empathic gasps she'd given to the pain she was sure Klahadore was feeling. "I'm… is he gonna be ok?"
Luffy poked the unmoving form with a stick. "Reminds me of Ace that one time."
Kuro woke up with a gasp. "...a nightmare." he winced with the phantom pain of the nighterror. "No way an Amazon would come and ruin my plans."
"Why do you people keep calling me that, I don't even like snakes…" Yamato pouted.
Kuro screamed.