The Gods of Nothing
The sky was perfectly clear today. Seabirds dotted across the blue, screaming and calling to each other as the wind buffeted them each way. The gulls took it in stride, gliding along on their long wings. The pair of gods were on a ship now, sailing across the sea heading south to Egypt from their northern home. It had taken them three days' ride to reach the sea's shore from Midgard, and Thoth was awaiting them with a ship ready to whisk them down to his arid homeland.
The ship was not as grand and luxurious as one might think a ship transporting gods would be. Time was of the essence, and so the ship sacrificed splendor and looks for speed. It had a few rooms below deck, mostly for storage and other supplies. Kratos and Freya took one bunk, Thoth stayed in the other room.
Freya was standing at the bow presently, letting the wind wash over her face and hair as they made their way south. She could not remember the last time she had seen the sea, or been on a true ship. She had rode in her own, as well as Kratos', smaller boats many, many times around the lakes and rivers of the eight realms. But a larger vessel meant for the open water? It had been quite some time.
"Enjoying the breeze?" She heard their Egyptian escort ask from behind her.
"Yes, it has been too long since I felt the embrace of the sea's air. The smell of salt, the sounds of the waves, they're quite meditative," she replied with a refreshing smile.
"The Nile, as you will see when we sail down it, is the source of life for my land. Everything from the smallest crocodile to the proudest pharaoh has their life dawn in its waters, and return to them when that life ends. But even its wondrous presence does not replicate the open sea."
Freya's brow piqued at what could not have been a coincidence in Thoth's choice of examples.
"Tell me more about this, Sobek, you sent in our absence. He left quite the…impression."
Thoth chuckled as he joined Freya, glancing out over the rail to the churning, dark greenish blue waters. "Of all my lord Ra's siblings, Sobek is certainly the most… rough in outward appearance and demeanor. But make no mistake my lady, Sobek is one of the most powerful among us, perhaps only second to Ra himself. Mortals worship and are grateful for the Nile almost as much as the sun. Enjoying life is a wondrous thing is it not? When others say it, they could mean finding love, a purpose in life that is fulfilling such as a leader, teacher, healer. Others might say being a parent, bringing and raising children into this world. For Sobek, he might enjoy life more than anyone I have ever met. He does not take pleasure in teaching, healing, leading. Sobek finds joy in fighting. The thirst for finding a strong opponent. Combat that lasts for days, weeks, so long that the cause for the fight is forgotten… As ornery as he is, I have not quite seen him in a truly foul mood. My lord's brother is the most violent, happiest being I have known."
The goddess smirked. "Yes I can believe that, he wished to fight Kratos before we left, and made him swear they would upon our return."
Thoth laughed once more, "And what did the spartan say to that."
"I told him it would depend on my mood."
The pair at the ship's rail turned to see Kratos had joined them above deck. "Good morn Kratos, I trust you slept well!" Thoth moved to greet the awakened god, Freya remained where she was leaning against the railing on her forearm.
"Well enough," he replied, as he paced to stand beside Freya overlooking the bow.
"Splendid! I shall go check with the captain for breakfast."
With that, the Egyptian god disappeared below deck. He had a human face currently, the beak and feathers gone. A receding hairline of grey, wiry hair, and thick, dark eyebrows being this visage's defining traits. He appeared quite old, wrinkles surrounding his eyes and brow.
Freya watched Kratos come to stand beside her with a small smile. "Hi."
Kratos grunted, clearly it was too early in the morning for the god that never rests.
"When was the last time you were on a ship? A bigger one, like this. For me, I think it was when Odin and I took a trip to visit the north edge of our realm years ago, well over a century now."
The Greek god's eyes never left the sloshing water below as he paused a moment before replying, "When I left Egypt before, to sail north to your home lands. Before that, I cannot say for certain. Perhaps when I fought the Hydra, still serving the Greek pantheon. Hopefully, this trip fares better then that did."
Freya smirked to herself as she stole a step closer to Kratos, now standing nearly shoulder to shoulder. "I know it has been some time since we spoke of this, but do you remember everything of your homeland and time there? In our few and far between discussions of your past, you had never even mentioned you've been to Egypt. I'd be disappointed to know I had missed anything else important." She knew Kratos had walls…high, sturdy walls, when it came to his inner defense for himself. It was a shock to her to learn that not only had Kratos been to the realms of other, very powerful gods, but had met the one sent as their introduction.
Why does it bother me? I am not his mother, I have no say or control over what he does, or what he shares or keeps private. Without Mimir here to at least lend an ear, I feel this trip might take quite an unexpected toll on my mind and heart.
She was brought to the present as Kratos unexpectedly shared, "I did not tell you because I did not think it was relevant, or would ever come up again. I had met Thoth when I found myself lost, wandering his realm trying to flee from fate. That might have been my lowest point, second to after my family's death. I did not keep it from you out of selfishness or mistrust. We have known each other longer than nearly any friend I've had in my life. You were my first true ally I made in your lands, and still stand by my side to this day. I have nothing left to hide from you, nor intend to. I no longer remember much in detail of my time under the Greek gods. The years when I was the god of war, fighting, raiding, killing, those years are a bit fogged. I was in a rage and drink inspired cloud of self hatred, and hatred for life in general. I had power, but I was not free, nor did I do anything with that power besides shallowly serve my own broken mind. I have clarity now, I have allies now."
Smiling to herself she dared slide her hand until it was but a finger's width from Kratos' on the solid oak railing. It was as if he had sensed her internal, seemingly silly conflict. "What do you remember of my homelands, then? Hopefully the memories are happier than your time in either Greece or Egypt."
Kratos grunted once more with a small nod. "Hrrnph. I feel like I am at peace for the first time in my life. I think of my son, watching him grow, training him to survive on his own. I think of my wife, how she met me when I was at my lowest and helped build me up. Showed me the path for who I am today. I think of the people, yet more suffering under the cruelty and fickleness of gods. And I think of you, someone I am glad to call friend, and would not be here without," he finished as he turned to her.
Freya was near speechless. Simply staring at his face and expressions, as she had found herself doing more and more lately. The sternness of his brow, the few invading gray hairs in his dense beard, the way his eyes stood ever looking forward, much like his conduct.
I truly am a failure as a goddess of love, aren't I?
"My friends!" They heard called out from the rear of the ship. "Look Kratos, do you not recognize it?" Thoth shouted with glee, waving his arms to the mass of land stretched along the ship's port bow in the distance.
"I do," he uttered so quietly Freya even barely heard it over the wind. "It's Greece." There were no swirling, violent thunderstorms in its sky as Kratos had described in his last memories of his homeland.. The seas appeared at a normal level. The trees and greenery all looked full and healthy. By all accounts, it just looked like regular, untouched land.
"I thought you said Greece was in ruin after killing all of its gods?" She inquired from behind him.
"It was…I do not understand. How?"
The Egyptian god joined them once more. "Perhaps I can be of assistance in this. You see, Greece was in a flooded, desolate ruin for quite some time after the gods fell. Your parting gift to its people though Kratos, it helped them rebuild. You gave them back hope. With that, they needn't rely on their gods to temper the seas or provide them great harvest. They built their homes and cities themselves. Grew their crops for themselves. Some may take to the old ways still of course, but the majority of its people purely work for the betterment of tomorrow. Makes you think, doesn't it? In the grand scheme of fate and life, who holds the power truly? And for what purpose do we honestly serve? Just a thought of course," the Egyptian posed as he once more left their company and returned below deck.
Kratos felt a hand on his shoulder as Freya stood closer beside him to join in looking upon his former, very not ruined, homeland.
"What are you thinking, tell me." Her words read as a command, but her tone sounded gentle, as an earnest hope that he would heed and open up once more.
"I…do not know, truly. This whole time I thought Greece was no more. Just a land barren of life and doomed for eternity to be as such. It never occurred to me that I, that what I did, defying Athena, would lead to this. I killed many innocents when I killed Poseidon, Helios, the titans, all of the others. Each one rocked Greece to its core and further punished its people in the wake of my vengeance. A land without gods.." Staring out at the horizon, the pensive god's eyes looked as unsettled as the waves lapping against the boat. "Sounds like paradise," she only half quipped as the pair stood in silence and continued to watch on until the land was but a small green blot in the horizon behind them, and only sea stretched out to each side of them for leagues.
The pair continued to stand looking out at the sea, watching the waves rise and fall, the clouds slowly crawl across the sky. They were to make port in Alexandria, exchange ships for one a touch smaller, and continue south through the estuary until they reached the convergence of the feeding smaller channels into the great Nile river at Giza. Apparently they were to arrive on the eve of the Thoth festival, a day meant to celebrate a new year and worship the god of recording time and events. As could be imagined, this put their guide in an overbearingly good mood.
"Ahh is there anything more warming than the sun's rays upon your physical form, Kratos?" The Egyptian god hummed as he sat upon the steps leading to the mast besides the spartan a while later.
Kratos replied with some mix of grunt and huff, continuing his work of shining his detached shoulder armor.
"Do you still feel it now?" His host posed.
"What?"
Thoth began tapping his finger upon the wooden step in which they sat. "Their worship! Your peoples' prayers and love. I felt it so strongly even when I was up north visiting you. It is a powerful thing for a god, don't tell me you haven't experienced it? The people of the various realms are learning to love you up there!"
Kratos snorted, "No, I feel no such sensation."
Odin's words from some years prior echoed in Kratos' mind.
What do you even know of godhood? In your lifetimes, has anyone ever worshiped you? Ever prayed to you? Can you even imagine that kind of love?
It was one of the few things Odin in the oceans of lies and manipulations that sprouted from his lips that wrung true. It turned out Kratos could not, in fact, imagine that kind of love, or feel such worship and reverence.
Thoth appeared taken aback. "Many gods try to rule with fear. It is a powerful motivator to be sure, but even such strength pales in comparison to worship and love. Rage, hatred, terror, these are basal, primal instincts. Love, devotion, choosing to pray to another in the hopes for but a touch of their strength… As the mortals ask for our aid and strength, in turn they grant us a nigh unlimited supply of it. I am no expert of course, these are just the musings of an old man. All of the gods you have faced, Zeus, Thor, Odin, Hades, so many of them drew power from the terror and anguish they had wrought. Imagine what strength you would have if you could harness that."
Kratos set his armor down and turned to the southern god basking in the light of the sun and the love of his people. "Then tell me, what must I do to try?"
Thoth smiled, not expecting the Greek god to ask for guidance in such a matter. "You must open your heart. Welcome their thoughts, problems, successes and failures. As was said in the meeting, like it or not you and Freya are the gods at the forefront of your peoples' worship. You aid them, you fight for them. They see that, and in turn believe in you. A god's power is like dammed water." Thoth interlocked his fingers now to better display his meaning. "When you dam a river, you cease its flow, aiming to control it. The true, loving worship of a god though is a very powerful river indeed. Its flow still breaks in small instances, cracks form in the dam that leak, the water may surge over the top or around. Thus far in your life you have relied on rage. Rage is your dam, my friend. When you open your heart to their words, the dam bursts open, and you feel the true strength of the river flowing into you. Open yourself to their emotions, hopes, fears, love, let it flow through you, and you will become a true ruler among gods indeed."
Kratos remembered the last time he had spoken those words, to Atreus. Open your heart. His son excelled in keeping himself open to new and future possibilities, as well as the strife and comradery with others. This was a skill…Kratos needed to improve upon.
He snorted, "I am the god of nothing. I do not resemble the god of war I was in my younger years. I no longer seek vengeance, death, war. Freya is the goddess of love. You keep your notes, of seemingly everything. Even before, the people would pray to Poseidon for kind seas, Demeter for a good harvest. I can provide nothing for the people. All I do is try to keep peace. Even that is not solely my duty. Tyr has done more for restoring peace in his years outside of Odin's imprisonment than I have done. A mere glance at how much your council respects his words proves that. I am no god of war, peace, crops, rivers or seas. I just do, it seems like it's all I can do."
Thoth sat silent for a moment, taking everything the god had said in. He stood now, looking down upon the seated spartan.
"Perhaps, a god of nothing is what's needed then? Not a god for some element, emotion, or motive. One carrying out their charge because it is their burden or responsibility by fate. Simply, a god that does what he can. I haven't met one of those before, I'd like to think they could be quite the force for good in these times."
The bird god left Kratos to his thoughts as he descended the stairs immediately to their left that led down into the bowels of the ship. He walked quietly, not wanting to disturb the next god he was seeking out. Sure enough, as he rounded the corner on the lower level he was immediately greeted with Freya's presence. She was pretending she had not just been listening in on their conversation from below by inspecting one of the barrels of fruits lined in the corridor along the wall.
"Clever cover, but I expected better from the queen of the nine realms," he chided.
Her eyes widened in alarm as she whispered, "Keep your voice low. I don't-"
Thoth raised a hand, musing, "Your secrets are safe with me, Lady Freya. I wished to speak with you, if you had a moment."
She nodded and followed him into his quarters down the hall. "Before that though, why were you listening in on us?"
Freya seemed taken by surprise to the inquiry. She had not expected her motives to be questioned for such a seemingly trivial thing, and had not prepared a solid enough lie.
"I…was simply curious. You have history with him, as brief as it is. He had not shared anything of his time in your lands. I know he feels lost despite the good we're doing. I did not mean to at first but, I overheard the beginning as I was about to make my way up and decided to pause to not interrupt."
The bird stated plainly, "Does Kratos know of your feelings?"
If Freya's eyes weren't fully open before they certainly were now. "What? No offense, Lord Thoth, but…"
The knowing look in his eyes brought her to silence. Her fingers shot to her brow as she massaged with a grimace to herself in self loathing. "Am I that obvious?"
"No," Thoth assured, "I'm sure he has little inkling of your deeper feelings. Do not be alarmed my lady, it is my duty to take note of things. I wish you good fortune in the endeavor, truly."
"You speak of fate so much. You knew what Kratos was destined for even when he was lost and hateful. You were one of the first forces to push him to seek fate out instead of run from it. Kratos has done so much good. It does hurt me to see him so…unable to see the changes he's made both for our people and within himself. My feelings notwithstanding, it pains me even as his friend and ally to see him so..lost within himself."
Thoth turned now, rummaging through a trunk at the foot of his bed before his finger snapped and he returned with a thick scroll. As he opened it, the symbols written upon it in a foreign language were so small, even if she could read the letters and had the paper in her face she doubted she could make anything out.
"Da da da da, 'Now Kratos!' 'Thank you, Your Majesty' the girl replied. Ah, here we are. 'You're welcome child, but I am queen of nothing now.'" The bird looked up from the parchment to Freya with an air of self pride, as if he just made some major revelation.
Freya returned the look with uneasiness and unnerved shock. "You…can stalk any conversation I've ever had?"
Thoth's head fell. "Lady Freya, humbly it is my duty to record everything. I do not tally every conversation of every god, but seeing as how we sought you out for aid I took a… vested interest. Now for the substance of those words. What you told that girl echoes what Kratos had just spoken to me. You feel just as lost as he does, only you are the goddess of love for your homeland, as well as battle, and childbirth I believe? Apologies, in my land we have so many gods that some of our occupations overlap. Your pantheon had the contrasting problem with such few gods and multiple roles for the sparing number of you. Regardless, you are a goddess in name, deed, and worship. Why did you say nothing?"
Freya nearly groaned. "I just said it to a child, I did not… Ugh, we will have a separate conversation after this about you staying out of my affairs and head. But in reply to your question, I'm a goddess of love that's never truly felt love. My only child hated me for the majority of his life. I'm a goddess of battle but I lost most of my powers and even freedom from my cursed former husband. As a goddess I have failed every single trait I am supposed to be worshiped for." She had no idea why she was suddenly baring her heart and soul to this foreign god she had met but twice prior to their voyage. If Kratos could open to him though, she figured she could partially as well.
"Did you know my home has not one, or two, but multiple deities associated with death?" The bird god quizzically replied. "Anubis, is the god of judgment and burial. When you die you appear before his scale as he judges your soul, and where you go from there. Ammit is the goddess that devours the souls of the unworthy. Nebekhau protects and guides all pharaohs into the afterlife. Lastly, Osiris is the lord of the afterlife, overlooking it all. Ammit is the goddess of what she is tasked with. Anubis is the god of the judgements that are his charge. How does one quantify or work at love? By its very nature love is organic, changing, strong, waning, it is like a personal tsunami of fire and emotions."
With a frown she replied, "You do not need to explain love to me. Make your point."
"Apologies, my lady, all I mean is: You deem yourself a failure for never experiencing love, for having lost to your former husband decades ago, for your child that died at Kratos' hand and never forgave you. But at present, don't you find yourself rekindling those feelings you long thought absent, nigh impossible to experience once more? Aren't you the victors of Ragnarok? Fighting and succeeding to shape your realms? And while you have lost the son you birthed yes, and your brother, what family you had in the past…don't you have new family now? Brothers in arms, your former valkyrie sisters returned? One such young man for you to focus those strong maternal instincts on now? Even if you did not birth him?"
Freya stood staring at the floor, processing these perspectives she had been so lost in her own mind to see for herself. She thought of the other shield maidens, of Sigrin helping her regain her wings. Of Atreus, whom she had saved the life of and now truly did view nearly as her own. And she thought of Kratos, how he had agreed to help her regain her freedom even when she wished him dead, and fought off her murderous attempts for years.
A soft hand on her shoulder snapped her from her racing thoughts. "As one that does nothing but take notes, allow me one small speck of counsel. Try not to lose sight of what you do have amidst your sea of losses and victories. Wake each day taking note of what and who you do have in your life. I believe if you weigh your life in such a way, you might see you are the farthest thing from failure."