AN: Written last year, because... I like clouds analogy... I think they're fun!
TWs for self-harm and mentions of suicide, please be careful. 3
You're not alone
Spits And Spots Of Rain
When Charlie woke up, he almost felt as if he'd conjured a dark cloud- one that was looming over his head, raining all over his thoughts, water seeping from under his brain cells, causing him to short circuit.
He stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He'd woken up before his parents and siblings, unable to sleep due to the intrusive thoughts that had been plaguing him since dawn. He couldn't help but stare at the purple bags under his eyes, he could only think- think about what Nick would say if he ever saw him like this- weak and vulnerable. He took a deep breath, tears running down his face. There was no way Nick would ever want to stay with him if he knew how much of a coward he was. How unlovable and unworthy he was. If Ben had been able to see it from the start, he had no doubt that Nick would eventually come to realize it as well.
Charlie could feel himself losing control as he gripped the sink, heavily leaning against it. He stared at the bottle of hand soap he'd hidden a razor blade under, feeling himself losing control once again. He lifted the soap, before grabbing the razor blade hidden underneath it, and looked at himself once more in the mirror, before staring at his wrists. They were covered with cuts, ranging in size and depth, all in different stages of healing. Charlie felt an intense wave of disgust washing over him as he looked at them- he felt as if something was wrong with him.
He brought the razor blade to his wrist, repeating the motion he'd already done so many times in the past.
His skin stung, the deep red of his blood running down his arm, contrasting against the white porcelain of the sink, staining it. Charlie felt numb. The cloud once again rained over him, and he felt himself drowning.
Charlie nearly hadn't seen Nick all morning, but couldn't eat lunch with him- he really didn't want Nick to get curious and ask him why he wasn't eating, although he was running out of excuses. As he spent more of his lunch periods in the art room, Mr. Ajayi grew more suspicious- he knew he wouldn't be able to conceal the truth for much longer.
The pain prickled at his skin, the dull ache of his healing scars causing his mood to turn sour. He was glad for its presence though, the physical pain allowing him to focus on something else than the thoughts plaguing him.
Charlie tried to focus on his exercise sheet. Nick had been silently doodling during the class, focused on his craft, not talking to Charlie who was desperately trying to get a look at whatever Nick was drawing. At first, Charlie was deathly worried he'd done something wrong. He'd started going all over their interactions of the day, overanalyzing the way Nick had lightly brushed his hand against Charlie's when they'd passed each other in the math corridor that morning, he tried to focus on the tone Nick had used to tell him "hi" at the beginning of the class, to no avail. He couldn't help himself, and that need to study and dissect everything Nick did was eating at him. Charlie was just about losing his mind, convinced he'd done something wrong- but was pulled out of his rêverie by a tap on his shoulder.
Charlie simply stared at Nick, his heart leaping out of his chest. A beam of light coming in from the window reflected on his hair, giving him a golden halo. Nick felt like the light at the end of the tunnel. The raincloud was still looming over him, but had stopped drenching him.
He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, to no avail.
"Yes?" He whispered, only loud enough for Nick to hear. Charlie revelled in those little moments shared with Nick, the stolen glances and shy smiles exchanged between them, with no one else to intrude. Nick grinned at Charlie, before looking down and ripping the page off of his copybook. Charlie raised an eyebrow, confused. He looked down at the drawing, his brows furrowed- Nick had drawn a lanky curly dark-haired boy wearing the Truman uniform, having used a pink and a yellow highlighter to outline the clothes.
"It's you!" Nick exclaimed, flashing his pearly grin at Charlie, who nearly choked on his saliva. His mouth dropped open, and his fingers froze- he could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, and he knew that his face must have turned an awkward shade of puce.
"I-Is it?" Charlie chuckled, his breathing accelerating and his pulse accelerating. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the drawing.
"Obviously," Nick answered, "Who else would I be drawing?" He said, lightly brushing his hand against Charlie's and tilting his head, giving Charlie a cheeky smirk.
"Well, I can think of hundreds of prettier things to draw," Charlie said, looking out the window.
"Such as?" Nick said, crossing his arms and leaning back on his chair.
"I don't know… Flowers?" He said, giving him a shy smile.
"You're the prettiest flower I've ever seen," Nick simply said. Charlie felt his heart soar, the previously dark grey cloud adopting a lighter shade, little rays of sunshine peeking through.
Charlie and Nick were on the floor of Nick's room, doing homework. Long gone was the raincloud, Charlie felt as if a bright sun was beaming over his head.
"I don't get the point of maths," Nick said, nibbling on the tip of his fountain pen, "I'd rather just, like, bake a fucking cake, I like to think I'd get an A," he said, sitting up and crossing his legs.
Charlie threw a pencil at his boyfriend, "Complaining won't make you pass your class, you know that?"
"First off-" Nick started, before stopping himself mid-sentence. Charlie looked up from his Greek Literature assignment, to find that Nick was staring at him- most precisely, his right wrist. Charlie's sleeve had ridden up his arms, exposing the red and pink marks on his wrists. Charlie rolled down his sleeve as soon as he noticed, but it was too late- Nick had seen them.
Nick stayed silent, his big brown burning holes into Charlie's arm. It was as if the raincloud was back with a vengeance- it was not only raining all over Charlie, thunder growling and lightning bolts hitting him.
He went through every possible scenario- each one worse than the one before. He knew Nick wouldn't leave him- Nick was way too kind to ever do that- but that wasn't enough to make his insecurities go away. Long gone was the sunshine. It was as if the rain soaked him from head to toe.
"Charlie…" Nick softly said, scooting closer to him. He took Charlie's hand in his, before bringing it to his face. "Char?" He asked, his voice dripping with worry. Charlie didn't dare to look up.
Charlie's eyes widened as the realization of what had just happened hit him. Nick had seen his scars. He scrambled to put his papers in his backpack, not caring if he wrinkled them.
"I have to go," Charlie said, practically bolting from the room, not caring that Nick was in his footsteps.
"Charlie, wait!" Nick said as Charlie struggled to put his shoe on, the emotions overtaking him. He had tears running down his face, and his heart felt as if it was being squeezed. Nick grabbed Charlie's left shoe, hiding it behind his back. Charlie sighed and gave up.
"What do you want?" He asked, his voice shaky- it was clear he was trying to keep the sobs from coming and he hated it. "I know you're going to want to break up with me, and- and you probably think I'm fucked up and that-" he couldn't even bring himself to finish the sentence, and he broke down, furiously sobbing and trying to keep himself together. He sniffled, wiping his eyes with his sleeves. The storm had turned into a hurricane, cumulonimbus clouds growling with thunder. The rain was unstoppable- he could feel the winds sweeping through his life, his lungs filling with water as he fought against it. He was hopeless.
Right then, he wanted to die. It was not the first time Charlie had these thoughts, or even the first time he'd felt helpless enough to succumb to them, but this time, he felt as if he had something on the line. The tears kept coming, and this time he didn't try to stop them. He just looked down at the floor, not daring to look up. The idea of Nick seeing him that way made his stomach uncomfortably churn.
"I know you're probably gonna want to break up with me, and I get it-" he started, interrupting himself when he felt another wave of sobs coming.
Nick simply sat in front of Charlie, legs crossed. He used a finger to lift Charlie's chin, before cupping his face in his hands. Charlie looked up, eyes brimming with tears, and blinked, not knowing what to say. Nick used his hands to wipe the tears off Charlie's face.
"Char," he said, tilting his head, "You know you can tell me everything, right?" He said as he enveloped Charlie in a hug, running his hand through the strands of dark curls. Charlie sniffled, resting his head on Nick's shoulder.
"I- I'm so sorry," Charlie said, gripping Nick's arm and sobbing on his shoulder, "I'm just so- I'm so-" he said, not managing to finish his sentence. His heart was excessively pounding in his chest, his head felt as if someone was violently shaking him and his stomach growled as if it had been attacked.
"It's okay," Nick said, hugging him tighter and pulling him closer, "You don't have to tell me anything if you're not ready."
"No, I do-" Charlie answered, his voice raspy, "It's just- complicated. Very complicated. No one gets it, not even Tori." The storm had now gone back to being a dark grey cloud, still casting a grey fog over his thoughts, but he admittedly felt better knowing Nick was by his side.
So Charlie told Nick everything- he'd avoided going into details because he knew relieving those events would do him no good. He explained how it had all started- the relentless bullying, the self-image issues, the self-harming, the skipped meals, his suicide attempt- that he hadn't even told Tori about. He kept profusely apologizing at the beginning of each sentence, feeling as if he was doing something wrong by simply talking. Nick had carefully listened, making sure not to startle him.
After Charlie was done, he and Nick stayed silent for a few minutes. He had stopped crying, the nimbus cloud that was once been looming over him giving place to a light grey cloud.
"I..." He hesitantly started, "I was really scared you'd leave me." He continued, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I'll always be here for you," Nick said, pulling away from the hug. He grabbed Charlie's hands with his, bringing them up to his face, "Don't ever think for once second that I'll ever leave you," he got up, extending his hand towards Charlie, who grabbed it, helping him get onto his feet. Charlie gave him a shy smile before wrapping his arms around Nick's neck, who put his arms around his waist. "You're never getting rid of me, love."
Charlie smiled, relief coursing through his veins. Nick would stay with him.
"Why don't I make us some hot chocolate?" Nick said, pulling him towards the kitchen by his arm. Charlie already missed his warm embrace.
"Wait," Charlie said, pulling Nick back in the corridor, "I think you forgot something he said," pointing to his lips. Nick chuckled, placing his hands on each side of Charlie's waist. Charlie stood on his tippy toes, planting a chaste kiss on Nick's lips. As he was about to pull away, Nick pulled him in again, gripping Charlie's shirt. Charlie smiled into the kiss, running his hand through Nick's hair. When they pulled away, they were both breathless. Charlie felt electrified. The sun was back, its rays shining over him, nearly blinding him- this time with a little bit of atmospheric electricity.
Charlie and Nick pressed their foreheads together, Nick's left hand softly caressing Charlie's cheek.
"I love you," Nick blurted out, still in the heat of the moment.
"What?" Charlie said, not quite sure if he'd heard Nick right.
"I said that I love you," Nick spoke, louder this time. His face had turned an awkward shade of scarlet as he scrambled to find the words. To say Charlie's heart was soaring was the understatement of the century. His face broke into a grin, and he grabbed Nick's face to plant one more kiss on his lips.
"I love you too," Charlie said, once again standing on his tiptoes to kiss Nick. His skies, previously blue, had turned into a satisfying purple-pink as the flutter of his heart replaced the gnawing feeling in his stomach. Here, in Nick's arms, he finally felt at ease.