Dazai Can Indeed Speak Meow
Summary: Since he's been getting so many "weird" and "strange" guests, according to his coworkers, Dazai decided to pay a visit to a few people himself. It should surprise absolutely no one that this is his first stop. Yet people are surprised.
Part 1 of Strangest People Dazai Visits
A/N: This is a short continuation of my ten part series Dazai's Strangest Guests where Dazai is other people's guest! I suggest you read that series, first, or maybe some things won't make sense.
It's been a full year since he's been first incinerated in Meursault and, suffice to say, Fyodor Dostoevsky was bored. It's been months since the last time something interesting happened and that was when not only was he almost drowned and poisoned to death, he also almost managed to return the favor to the one person in this world that could match him. On top of that, his plans had been pretty close to becoming fulfilled, if only he'd managed to escape the prison during that incident and use Fukuchi accordingly.
Instead, he and Nikolai, his dear friend, were now in the most secure isolation cells in the newly rebuilt Meursault, deprived of any form of stimulation that had not already been present in the sealed, Ability-resistant inside-and-out room, both of them strapped up so they can barely move. Nikolai, of course, no longer had his coat so he can't use Overcoat to spring them out anymore and he's pretty sure the albino clown was also doped up on sedatives to make sure he can't use his Ability with some alternative cloth. Fyodor himself had special gloves made of a special fiber that prevented him from using his Ability and he was not allowed to interact with anything or anyone to the point his meals were delivered via a one way teleportation Ability so he can't find a way to manipulate anyone.
It was a very boring existence, as he had no books and only had one puzzle to solve over and over again. After a single try, which took him about a minute even if it was 1000 pieces, he could do it without seeing the picture. After three tries, he could do it with his eyes closed and it only took five minutes.
Needless to say, he was so incredibly bored he'd done his best to recite the Bible in Japanese while holding his breath for as long as he could. Needless to say, he was not his rival; his Japanese was subpar and he could hold his breath only so long. Still, he managed, somehow ... And then he got bored again.
Then, suddenly, something changed. A wall of some yellow glowing Ability descended around his cell, engulfing half of it, including the part where Fyodor was basically chained to the wall.
"You have a visitor," a robotic voice told him. "Please remain seated and make no sudden moves or you will be sedated."
"Well, I definitely didn't miss that part of this place," a familiar, playful voice greeted his ears and Fyodor could feel his eyes widening and a grin spreading over his face as none other than Dazai Osamu entered his cell, dressed once again as a detective. He looked considerably healthier than the last time Fyodor saw him, which made sense since he'd basically been dying back then. However, he also looked healthier than he'd been during the Dead Apple incident, as the Japanese government had dubbed his and Shibusawa's attack on Yokohama last year. It seems he, or someone else for him, was taking care of himself. He didn't seem as tired, nor as bored as Fyodor has previously known him.
The Russian would be tempted to go as far as to say that his counterpart was thriving.
How ... unexpected.
'As expected of Dazai-kun to spring a little surprise on me every now and then.'
"Dazai-kun, I must admit that this is a rather unexpected visit. One might even say that it's a surprise!" He greeted the other cordially as a table and a chair were dragged in and set up right against the barrier separating the two geniuses, which shrank closer to where Fyodor was restrained. A separate cube formed around the table before it merged with the wall until the table was halfway into Fyodor's 'half' of the room. The cube opened on Dazai's part.
The brunet walked over, sat down on the chair and, to Fyodor's further surprise, took out a chess set, setting it up on the table. Fyodor looked up behind Dazai as another chair was brought in for another man Fyodor was vaguely familiar with.
That explains the cube-like, glowing Ability. This was the man who had come to Soukoku's assistance when Fyodor had had Nakahara Chuuya under his control and Dazai-kun in a vulnerable enough place that he could have potentially died. They had been the ones who ruined Fyodor's perfect victory, this man and a blond. To this day, Fyodor was not sure who they were or how they made it to Meursault just when Dazai-kun had needed them, but he knew they were both very powerful and very dangerous.
"You should really be grateful to Randou-san, you know," Dazai-kun mused as he made the first move with a white pawn before taking his hand - all his limbs, actually, away, as the cube shifted again, blocking off the 'outside' but baring the table for Fyodor. The chains holding Fyodor captive loosened and for the first time in months, he had more freedom to his movements. "Had he not agreed to accompany me at his own inconvenience, you'd still be bored out of your sick little mind with nothing interesting to do~ Also, you made a lot of mistakes while reciting the Bible in Japanese. Half of Genesis and practically all of the Gospel according to John, in particular."
"I wasn't aware you were religious," Fyodor commented as he made his own opening move. As soon as he put his hand away, the Ability shifted and his side was closed off again.
"We had a whole debate about gods," Dazai deadpanned. "You know I'm not religious; I'm also simply not oblivious. Knowledge is power, even if it's objectively useless knowledge." He waited for his side to open up, made a move, and the cube closed again, opening for Fyodor. "So, how's it been, now that you know you won't ever leave this place for the rest of your miserable rat life?"
"How rudely you address me." Fyodor pouted but Dazai and 'Randou-san' both rolled their eyes at him. "It has been a few tiresome months, I'm afraid. Utterly boring, indeed. There is nothing of interest to do here, so I've even resorted to reciting the Holy Texts, as it seems you already know." They continued playing, taking pieces as the game progressed, the box shifting to accommodate them as 'Randou-san' took out some book or notebook and started reading through it with such a fond look in his eyes that Fyodor found himself missing Nikolai.
Platonically, of course.
"Well, it is prison, not a spa," drawled the younger genius.
"I had reading material before."
"Yeah, and it made you shoot gay people, what were you expecting?" The Frenchman behind Dazai-kun choked on air at that statement and Fyodor would like to agree. Even he wasn't expecting that from his esteemed nemesis. "And it's not like you're homophobic or anything! I mean-"
"Wait, what do you mean I'm not homophobic?" Fyodor interrupted, both because Dazai was starting to rant in far too fast Japanese and because the actual words confused him.
Dazai-kun and 'Randou-san' both paused to frown at him in confusion.
"I mean, I'm not afraid of the LGBTQI+, but I certainly don't approve as a devout man of the faith-"
"You kill people," 'Randou-san' interrupted to point out. "You take pleasure in it. You lobotomized one of your subordinates. You enjoy torturing or suicide-baiting others. You lie and deceive and steal and covet that which is not yours." He pointedly looked at Dazai-kun at the last part and Fyodor could not deny that last one. He does covet Dazai-kun, in more ways than one. His rival is something special, indeed. He also brings out the worst in Fyodor simply by existing in all his pristine, imperfect perfection and corrupted, besmirched holiness of one who takes away one's sin with a simple touch yet is a sinner hell itself would tremble in the presence of. "You even dare play god with the lives and fates of others. I'm pretty sure all those things are not ones a 'devout man of the faith' would do. In fact, the only sin you haven't committed yet is suicide itself!"
"Perhaps you are right. What do you say, Dazai-kun? Are you not searching for a partner in a double suicide? Who better than your fellow demon?" He directed towards the brunet, only to have the yellow wall of the cube slam into him.
'Randou-san' did not seem pleased with him.
Dazai-kun did not seem impressed, either. "No thanks~! I'm pretty sure Chuuya would go down to hell to get me back and then make me live to, like, a hundred years old or more and I don't want that! That sucks! Besides, I'd only want to do a double suicide with a beautiful woman or, if that is simply unavailable, with Chuuya at the end of the world~ So I must decline your offer."
"How unfortunate." It was his move again, so he carefully reached for the board bared for him again, eyeing the 'peacefully' reading Frenchman lest he try to retaliate again for his joke earlier. Fyodor supposes the man was not fond of it, given he was there for the aftermath of Chuuya-san's vampirification and how close it brought him and Dazai-kun to the point of no return.
"Also, that offer's not really beating any of the allegations. Besides, Gogol fits your type."
Fyodor paused in the middle of moving his rook to take one of the brunet's knights, even if it's a trap with the use of a white bishop, but that will also leave Dazai's queen open for Fyodor to take. "I'm afraid I don't follow." It hurts to admit, but Dazai-kun is just like him: and Fyodor knows how unpredictable he himself is, so the same stands for Dazai Osamu.
"Well, he has long white hair and he's psychotic. He's also willing to play the fool for you and serve your every whim. Hell, he's basically a clown and I remember well how you wanted a clown at Mukurotoride. To top it all off, he's obsessed, specifically with you. So, yup, Nikolai Gogol-san is definitely your type," Dazai counted off his fingers and concluded with a smile while Fyodor gawked at him.
"I do not have a thing for long, white hair!"
"Shibusawa Tatsuhiko, Ivan Goncharov, even Nathaniel Hawthorn. Then you have Gogol-san, of course, and you've shown some sort of interest in Sigma and Bram-san, even if it's not sexual or romantic ... Well, I sure fucking hope it's not, as they're three and three hundred respectively. Also, for the sake of your own mental health, hopefully you never had such an interest in Fukuchi, because that's just sick."
"Sicker than getting it on for a ghost and a clown?" The French guy asked skeptically. "Actually, no, you're right. It is sicker."
"I was never interested in any of those men!"
"Yes, Akiko-san told me you had a thing for Dazai-kun, instead. Poor Sigma-kun, he sacrificed so much to find that out," Randou-san shook his head in sympathy for the Casino manager. The four year old had seen so much in his very short life. He also had the strange habit of comparing people's gayness, but we don't talk about that. They all just pretend it's a trauma thing. (It totally is, but not because of the horrors of the Escape, but because of the actual gayness of those involved in it.) "By the way, I suggest you get over it."
Fyodor arched an eyebrow at the long haired man.
"Even if we ignore Chuuya-kun, Paul will probably be the first one in line to kill you if you try anything with Dazai-kun."
"Randou-san-"
"And then there's myself, Lady Tsushima and Mr Sebastian, Madame Menu, probably Mr Frankenstein, Hirotsu-san, probably a good portion of the Port Mafia starting with Boss and that Akutagawa-kun-"
"Randou-san, please-"
"Then there's the Armed Detective Agency, probably the Special Abilities Division, Mr Stoker and probably the Guild since, apparently, according to Paul's former student, the leader is Dazai-kun's friend-"
"That's enough, Ranou-san," whined Dazai-kun while Fyodpr just watched.
"I am in no way romantically interested in neither Dazai-kun nor Nikolai. One is a rival and the other is a dear friend," he insisted but got skeptical glances at that.
"Sure," the youngest of the males drawled. "And my grandfather wasn't a crazed, power hungry tyrant who nearly burned Yokohama to the ground from the inside out."
"I can't possibly know that but your tone is sarcastic."
"Yeah, no shit. It's your turn, by the way."
"My apologies." He thought shortly before moving his knight, only to have it taken by one of Dazai-kun's rooks. "So, while I've been rotting away in this place, what have you been up to, Dazai-kun?"
"Oh, you know. Just defying the laws of life and death. And man. I always do like defying the laws of man." The brunet waited for the barrier to shift when it was his turn again before making a move. "In fact, the most recent laws of man I defied was arranging for this little play date~" He chirps. "You see, demon Fyodor, everyone, including myself, is ready to leave you to rot here or to reach a point of no return of insanity from being stuck here with absolutely no mental stimulation and watch you turn into a mindless plant. It would be a fitting punishment. Hell, some recommended lobotomization or a bullet to the head that would, indeed, leave you as a vegetable, only for others to suggest that you should be aware just enough of the world around you that you'd know what's going on but wouldn't be able to form a single coherent thought about it. Everyone agreed it's what you would have deserved, after everything you've done. Even Kunikida-kun, the idealist!"
"And yet you disagreed?" He asked, confused and curious and a little wary of this show of 'mercy' from his fellow demon. Dazai-kun especially had an intimate 'beef' to settle with him. After all, Fyodor has learned that one does not call Soukoku's bond 'shallow' and lives to tell the tale. That there was any of him left to be imprisoned at all surely surprised the European investigators who came to Meursault to see the damage and make sure no dangerous Ability users had escaped. And they know about Soukoku. Everyone and their mother does; a god and a demon don't go unnoticed, after all.
But he digresses.
If anyone should want Fyodor to live in ultimate misery and torture, it should be Dazai Osamu for Fyodor daring to take his precious partner away, even if only for less than half an hour.
So, yes, this mercy is very suspicious indeed.
"But of course," Dazai-kun hums with a benign smile on his face even as his eyes turn as dark as the abyss. "After all, you'll become dependent on this. I can choose a random moment to come and visit, provide you with entertainment and intellectual stimuli, and then I'll leave and you'll be left alone to count the days until the next time I have mercy on you. I could set a predictable pattern and have you hooked on it, have it be your last thread to hang onto, and then I can snip it and let you fall and fall, only to come again and throw you a new one. And you'll have no choice but to take it, to accept it, to accept that I am the only thing in this world that can spare your sanity, even if for just a few months longer. You're like me, demon Fyodor. I know for a fact that you almost desperately need to be in control of everything happening around you in your life, even if you are a devout man who believes your God has a Plan all of humanity eventually falls in line with. This situation will take what little control you had over your life away. After all, whether you want it or not, you will sit in this cell, anticipating my return to spare you of this ultimate boredom. Like a good little dog. Or perhaps a pet fish, is more like, only with even less freedom of movement ... Yes, like one of those miniature sharks. And when I stop, if I stop coming here ... Well, you know what awaits. Madness or execution ... Perhaps both~!"
Fyodor couldn't help but laugh in delight. Because Dazai-kun put him in checkmate while delivering that line, delivering a double victory for the brunet. Truly, a worthy rival to make his life interesting and, indeed, an addiction he probably should not indulge but will, indeed, not be able to resist. Dazai-kun would not let him. Such a cruel fate his opponent has in store for him, threatening him with madness with each day he exists and breathes. Indeed, only a fellow demon could come up with such retaliation. Fyodor was adequately impressed!
The punishment fit the crime: Fyodor will spend the rest of his life fighting madness as punishment for almost taking one half of Soukoku from the other for the rest of their lives.
"How utterly devious of you, Dazai-kun. Is this what living in the light and casting aside your old ways has turned you into? Color me impressed! You were never this cruel before."
"No one has tried to take my dog from me before, Fyodor-kun~ And those who tried, have tasted the cruelty of my retaliation. But you expect cruelty; therefore, I gave you my mercy. And I've been told my mercy is a terrible thing. After all, mercy implies letting my victims live, letting them off the hook, but I always make sure they regret getting that. An old friend lived with regret for nearly five years because of my mercy; the guilt had him bending over backwards to help me with my every whim and plan~ Now you will live in fear of this mercy of mine. You can pretend that you are unaffected all you want, demon Fyodor, but I know you like I know myself. This is the worst punishment we could ever receive. And yet it is considered a mercy."
But it was mercy, in a way. After all, Dazai-kun could have just left Fyodor to go insane now. He could even end up catatonic from lack of stimulation. It's possible. It's happened before. Even just lack of communication with people could have left him crazy within a couple of months, no matter how his brain works differently compared to other, 'normal' people. But, on the other hand, it was also a greater cruelty to dangle this relief in front of him. Mercy and cruelty. Perhaps the only way people like them could show mercy.
... Except Dazai-kun seemed capable of emulating actual mercy. Whether he had the capacity for it is a different matter, he knew how to copy it and he used it for the betterment of others in a replica of kindness. Perhaps that is enough for those unaware of how demons like them work. Perhaps it is enough.
But does that mean that Fyodor will trust it, just like that?
Of course not.
"Why would you prolong the time my sanity and mind may stay intact in the first place?"
Something in Dazai-kun shifted and his face smoothed out, his eyes got a glint, a light Fyodor simply could not understand despite him and Dazai-kun being two sides of the same devilish coin. The Russian suddenly felt like he did not know the person still seated in front of him at all. It made him feel uncomfortable. Like he was being tricked.
Except there was no trick.
But that could also be a trick.
But it could also be a trick to make him think that it's a trick that there's no trick-
"Relax," Dazai-kun interrupted him, rolling his eyes. "I can literally hear you overthinking." He stood up from his seat as Fyodor's restraints tightened again, signaling an end to the visit, especially as Randou-san folded everything up with the use of his Ability as Dazai-kun walked towards the exit. "Let's just say that, unlike you, I have reason to learn some mercy. I've received mercy from others many times, Fyodor. And there are people out there who believe I'm capable of something like mercy, that I am a good person, a human. And it's not even naive, good people like Atsushi-kun and Sigma. My best friend and my partner, who know exactly the depths of my darkness and the volume of my cruelty, still believe me capable of being more than just something that causes pain, rot and destruction everywhere I go. This cat was ready to learn new tricks from the very beginning, Fyodor. Perhaps a silly little rat like you can cast aside his ego and do the same? After all, neither of us are god given gifts to man; quite the opposite, I'd say. Still, the difference between you and me is my willingness to change. That's why you're here and I'm out there. That's also why I'll come here every once in a while to see if there's any hope for you left. But don't think I'll always be this nice about it. I'm still pissed about what you did to Chuuya, Sigma and all my other friends. So, until next time, think of me foully~!"
He left with a wave while Randou-san didn't even acknowledge Fyodor's existence. The cell started closing up again when Dazai popped his head back in.
He smirked at the older genius like a cat that got the cream.
"Meow."
And then he was gone, the last thing Fyodor could see before the cell sealed up until dinnertime being Randou-san's weirded out face. The Russian couldn't help but throw his head back and laugh. He didn't know how long he laughed, but he was sure he sounded and looked like a maniac. Like a lunatic. Like he'd already lost it, more so than he had before all of this. More so than he potentially will be by the end of this.
Still ...
He couldn't help but anticipate the next visit, just like Dazai-kun wanted it. After all, this visit, by Fyodor's estimate, had barely been twenty minutes of chitchat and speed chess, clearly a test of how viable of a solution this was to keep him imprisoned yet concur with the Human Rights Declaration. He may be a war criminal/terrorist, but he was not yet charged with a death sentence, so they must give him at least some basic rights. He wondered if it had been Dazai-kun's idea. It most probably was; Sigma most certainly would not care, Fukuchi was probably just as bad off as he was and Nikolai was so high right now that not even birds could match his 'freedom'. Stoker most certainly wouldn't care about him, either and any other comrades he had before were in just as bad of a situation as he was, and if they were any better, it wasn't by much.
So this was just Dazai-kun keeping him under his control by way of mercy.
Fyodor wonders if he'll learn more of it during the next visit, or the one after that. He doubts this will end so soon. After all, Dazai-kun may have his beloved partner and all those silly little 'friends' of his, but Fyodor was the only one to possess a mind capable of intriguing and challenging a mind like the brunet's. They were birds of a feather; in a way, no one else can understand them except they themselves. Yet things are changing, are they not?
Fyodor found himself anticipating the next change Dazai will teach him of.
Even if he has to wait for it.
(And Dazai does come back, many times. Usually with Rimbaud, sometimes with Chuuya, once with Bram, who hissed in warning at Fyodor whenever he got too excited during his debates with the brunet. He was somehow even more possessive than Chuuya was, it was funny.
And Dazai does practice more mercy, even on Dostoevsky. Though it is a cruel mercy, as he takes great joy in watching his fellow demon question his every gesture or panic at genuine displays of kindness. It makes him tempted to introduce him to Kenji just to watch him freak out.
Rimbaud reminds him of his opinion that he'd be a perfect interrogation and torture specialist.
Dazai reminds him that he lived up to those opinions a long time ago.
Chuuya calls them idiots while Verlaine tries to convince Dazai to let him lace his croissants for Fyodor with rat poison.
Dazai just laughs them off and goes off to his next visit to the Russian rat to tease him more about his 'best friend he totally wasn't in love with'.)
In many ways, it's not worth it.
Yet in many more ...
OWARI