A/N: this is so fucking stupid and I love it
II. The Lovebite Central (in which Angela, Zack and Hodgins discuss tapping asses where they shouldn't)
Chapter Summary: Brennan and Ange have a chat about a few broken blood vessels, and Hodgins can't believe poor Zack has ever actually had sex.
The skull was... bone. It was bone. Calcium phosphate. That's all she could think about as she stared at it. Bone.
The following day, she'd been unable to concentrate on her work- it was just one of these days when her body and brain simply wouldn't cooperate- it didn't happen often, but when it did, it left her confused and irritated. The fluorescent lights hanging in the lab were stabbing into her eyeballs, fatigue was pulling at her limbs, and her head felt as if someone had been pounding away at it with a hammer.
For a split second, she wondered if Booth was feeling a similar way.
She was great at compartmentalizing, but she didn't know about Booth- after all, he was a needlessly sentimental man, and would probably think having sex created an emotional bond. To her, it was just about neurochemicals. An itch she'd needed to scratch, as to say.
"Hi sweetie," Angela said, striding into the lab. She swiped her ID card, getting onto the platform and walking in Brennan's direction. Brennan did not look up- she was far too tired to speak, and as much as she loved her best friend, she did not feel like disclosing the events of the previous night to her- or to anyone, for that matter. She knew the dangers of drinking Tequila around Booth, and she still decided to go along with it. She'd try to fit in a place in her schedule to scold herself for the events of the previous night.
"Even though the skull you gave me was kind of- let's say it, it was all kinds of fucked up- I finally managed to recreate-" she began, but stopped dead in her tracks as she saw her best friend from up close. She took another step closer to Brennan, her mouth and eyes widening as she took in the array of hickeys that were bruising the forensic anthropologist's neck, "Who the hell did that to you?" she inquired, smirking at her, "You have so been holding back on me, oh my god. Honey, I can't believe you've been lying to me all this time!" she explained, her hand flying to her chest as she feigned outrage. She raised an eyebrow, sending an incredulous look to Brennan. She crossed her arms on her chest, "Dish. Now," she said, a mischievous glint in her eyes that indicated she wasn't going to give up anytime soon.
Brennan slowly looked up from the skull she'd been examining -or trying to, anyways, to no avail-, slowly looking around to make sure no one had heard Angela. Thankfully, Zack wasn't in yet, Hodgins seemed to be in his office, and so was Goodman. She gently set the skull down, and snapped off off her gloves, setting them in the trail next to her before grabbing Angela's arm and leading her to her office. Angela didn't say anything, and simply let Brennan drag her.
"Whoa-" Angela said as Brennan closed her office door, "Is it that serious?" she joked, and Brennan sent a glare her way. "Alright then, Bren..." she said, sitting down on Brennan's couch and motioning her friend to do the same. "So? Are you gonna tell me who's been snacking on your neck as if they were taking a bite out of damn chew toy? Was it that hot Amy lawyer? I did sense some tension between you two, huh?" she smirked, "I mean, she's smoking... I totally get it, she could totally violate my code of eth... I'm getting sidetracked there," she said when she noticed Brennan was looking at her like an angry schoolteacher about to send her to the corner.
Brennan groaned, she said burying her face in her hands before turning her face and looking, "No... and- I'm only telling you this because of your best friend status, Ange," she said, softly tilting her head before sighing, "Booth and I went to a bar last night and had intercourse in one of the bathroom stalls."
Angela's eyes widened as she gave her friend a huge smack in the shoulder. Brennan cried out in pain, her hand flying to run the spot she'd just bit in.
"Ow, Ange!"
"Come on, sweetie," Angela said, throwing her arms up as she followed Brennan around the platform, "Throw a dog a bone here, Bren- did he pull out his sniper and use you as target practice? Is he a gentleman in the streets and a beast in his sheets?"
Brennan rolled her eyes at her friends' inquiries, turning around as she pulled on her gloves, "Angela, I believe I've disclosed more than enough information," she said as she picked up the skull she'd been studying earlier- still bone, still white, still porous-, "I'm really not sure why you want to know all the details of my sexual encounter with Booth."
Angela let out a grown, slapping her hand on the table with such force that Brennan had to look up. "Sweetie," she dragged out, grabbing Brennan's arm, "I am begging you, here. You need to tell me what happened- you two got down and dirty, did the nasty, and now you have to tell me about it. That's what besties are for." Brennan knew there was no point in arguing.
"Fine," Brennan sighed, looking down at the skull in her hand, noticing a slight nick in the left parietal- and just like that, everything was right. "Well, you have a few minutes before Zack gets here." She did not look away from the piece of bone she was examining.
"Well, was it good?" Angela urged her.
"I-I found it quite satisfactory, yes," Brennan said, "Although," she added, "I achieved orgasm four times, which is actually the most I had achieved in a while. The only sexual encounter I've had where I'd had that many orgasms was the one I had with Hodgins a few years ago- and that one you and I had a few months ago, of course."
Angela knocked the tray over, causing Brennan to look up and take off her glasses. Angela scrambled to pick up what had fallen on the floor.
"Ange?" Brennan asked, shocked at her friend's actions, "...Is everything alright?" She frowned, watching as Angela stared at her with her eyes wide open as she vigorously shook her head.
"Bren- Am I going deaf?"
"I- am not the best-placed person to answer that, Ange... Perhaps you should see an otolaryngologist," she said, not quite understanding the turns of events the conversation had taken, but wanting to help anyways.
"No- ugh, that's not what- you had sex with Hodgins?" She stumbled upon her words, looking positively horrified, "And you never fucking told me?"
"Ange, I hardly see how that's relevant," she said, making a face.
"Uh," she scoffed, "I think it is," she crossed her arms.
"Three minutes, Ange," Brennan said, glancing at the clock, "Zack will be arriving in three minutes."
"Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this, sweetie, but we don't have time for your sordid sexual past-"
"There's nothing sordid about it, Angela," she said, tilting her head and sighing, "Hodgins and I had intercourse once, before you even started working at the Jeffersonian, and decided we would be better off as friends- just like how you and I did. That's as far as it went. As for Booth, I'm not sure of what I want... He doesn't seem like the kind of man to engage in casual sex, especially not with the people he works with- especially since the FBI seems to have a no-fraternization rule.
"Sure, honey," she said, "I think you two like each other. There's tension in the air when you two are around. Unresolved tension," she said, sending Brennan a smile. "I don't think it was just a one-time thing... You guys have potential. If I were you, I'd get buy another ticket on that ride."
"I don't-" Brennan shifted her weight from one leg to another, "I don't think you're right, Ange," Brennan said, "As I've told you earlier, we were... merely satisfying biological urges. Sex between friends... You would know that better than anyone."
"Well, if you say so," Angela said, sighing as she shook her head, "You're hopeless, you know that? I love to bits and pieces, but you really are. I hope you guys used protection at least."
"Of course, Ange... You know me."
"Zack," Angela said, swiping her ID card and stepping on the platform, clipboard in hand, "I need-" she stopped dead in her tracks when she realized Zack and Hodgins had stopped talking the moment they'd noticed her, "What the hell is going on?" She tilted her head and glared at the two men, "Don't tell me you guys blew up the lab again? Because if Goodman learns about it, you two are so getting fired," she smirked, raising an eyebrow, "That would be his last straw, after the Fourth of July fiasco... Man, that was fun," she smiled to herself as she remembered the disaster that was the gathering- something about spiked punch and non-sensical drunken ramblings to Goodman.
Zack and Hodgins looked at each other, seemingly communicating wordlessly, before turning back to Angela.
"God, I fucking hate it when you guys to that," she rolled her eyes, placing one hand on her hip. "What? Spit it out, jabronies!" She exclaimed when she got no answer, feeling herself losing her patience, tapping her foot on the floor,
Zack and Hodgins shared yet another look. Zack sighed, taking off his gloves with a snap and setting down the broken piece of hyoïd he had previously been holding in his hands. "When I saw Doctor Brennan this morning, s-she-" He stammered, not sure how to broach the subject.
Hodgins rolled his eyes, "Doctor Brennan showed up with a hell of a lot of broken blood vessels, this morning, if you know what I mean" he said, a huge grin etched upon his face, "Zack-o here just got flustered because he's a blushing virgin, that's all," he snorted.
"I am not a virgin, Hodgins," he glared at the other wan, "Far from it- and I did not get flustered," Zack protested, "I just wasn't exactly sure how to bring it up, that's all," he shook his head when Hodgins sent him an incredulous look, "I'm not sure how professional discussing my boss' sex life at work is."
Hodgins simply rolled his eyes, "Please, like you've never done it before," he scoffed, before turning his attention towards Angela.
"Well, you're Doctor Brennan's best friend," Hodgins said, taking a step closer to Angela, "She tells you everything, right? Girl talk and all?"
"Please, Brennan only ever lets slip what she wants me to know," Angela said, narrowing her eyes at Hodgins and pressing her lips in a firm line, "But yeah, she tells me a lot of things, by Brennan standards, at least- I think it would take less work to open an oyster with a piece of paper than to get her to open up to me..." Hodgins looked disappointed at that comment.
Angela raised a finger, "Still, I know things you don't even know that I know. So simmer down, you two," she said, turning around, and beginning to walk away from the table as she shook her head, "Or Hodgins, I might reveal to Zack a thing or two what- or rather who you did," she said in a sing-songy tone, the smile evident in her face as she left the two dumbfounded men on the platform.
"Come on, Angela," Hodgins grabbed her arm, causing her to stop walking. She turned around, walking back towards the platform, looking Hodgins in the eye, "Do us a favor here," he sent her a small smile, "Aren't we all friends, after all?"
Angela sighed, "Alright, but let's keep it down-" she said, not quite whispering but not quite out loud either, "Let's just say that Bren took a ride on Booth's disco stick in a bar bathroom last night... I've already come up with a name for it: the booth-brennan-bathroom-bar-bang, or the B5, as I like to call it," she broke into a sordid grin, licking her lips, leaning in further and encouraging Zack and Hodgins to do so. "And, get that- apparently they never discussed it after. She took a cab and left him there after they were done. A bit insane, even by Brennan standards, if you ask me."
Zack furrowed his eyebrows, his eyes wide. He looked positively disturbed, "Took a ride on Booth's disco stick?"
"It means they had sex, Z-Man," Hodgins shook his head as he stared at his friend, "Dude, are you sure you're not a virgin? You sound like a 12-year-old who just stumbled upon his dad's secret stash, dude. Next thing you're gonna ask me if you can get pregnant from holding hands."
"Very funny, Hodgins," Zack said, his cheeks flushing crimson, "I just wasn't familiar with the colloquialism, that's all."
"Well, I for one am very glad they put all that tension to some use. Put these two together in a room and you have enough pent-up sexual energy to power a small country," she scoffed, "I hope I never have to witness these two dancing around each other and meaningfully staring at each other's eyes as if I wasn't right here, or some shit. It's disrespectful as hell, honestly, and I'd rather not be a third wheel. I feel like I'm watching softcore porn whenever these two are around, except instead of going at each other they like, argue about God or something."