"When the aliens invade a thousand years from now and our hyper advanced technology isn't enough, our last hope will inevitably be placed in the hands of the lone space marines." Wiz starts the episode.
"Aliens, what a silly idea." Weiss scoffs at the thought.
"Hey, you don't know. They're out there maaaan!" Nora says.
"Like the super soldier, Master Chief." Boomstick introduces MC.
"And Doomguy, the Bane of Hell itself." Wiz introduces his opponent.
"With names like that, you know these guys are total badasses." Yang says.
"Ooh, I bet they both have super cool weapons!" Ruby exclaims. "I can't wait to see them all!"
"He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick."
"And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win… a Death Battle."
"At the young age of six, John-117 was abducted by the UNSC to be part of the Spartan-II program." Wiz explains.
"The worst daycare ever." Boomstick jokes.
"At fourteen, he underwent the program's augmentation procedures, dramatically increasing his strength, speed, vision, intelligence, and reflexes."
"How terrible!" Pyrrha says.
"Abducted at 6 and used like some kind of lab rat. How tragic…" Weiss says.
"I bet he put those new abilities to use and-" Yang starts to say.
"Break their legs!" Nora interrupts her.
"When he was done, his bones were nearly indestructible, and he could beat up and kill way more experienced marines. At fourteen! Man, that's one harsh puberty." Boomstick jokes.
"Younger than any of us are now and already a deadly fighter." Ren says.
"I'll admit, that's very impressive." Weiss says, while Jaune shrinks a bit into himself.
"Upon reaching the rank Master Chief Petty Officer, John began a thirty year campaign leading the Spartans against three different threats: The Insurrection, the alien Covenant, and the Flood. As a Spartan, he wears Mark VI MJOLNIR armor. This technological marvel links directly to John's brain, so his actions are controlled on thought before movement. Simultaneously, the suit itself multiplies Chief's already enhanced physical capabilities." Wiz explains.
"The suit weighs half a freakin' ton, yet the guy still jumps around like he's on the moon!"
"Holy crap!" Jaune says, looking up to MC a lot and even a little jealous.
"Wow! We need this guy on Remnant. He'd eat the Grimm for breakfast!" Yang says.
"Armor that links directly to your brain? That's-" Blake says.
"Totally awesome!" Ruby yells.
"A suit like that could be useful. I wonder if Atlas is working on anything like that." Weiss says. "Although I can't say I'm a fan of the weight of the thing."
"Pfft, sissy." Nora says.
"Hey!" Weiss responds.
"The helmet's Heads Up Display includes a motion tracker with an eighty foot radius. Also, the suit projects a recharging energy shield." Wiz says.
"Interesting, another thing we can compare to aura." Pyrrha said.
"Ah this stuff is boring, just get to the weapons!" Ruby demands.
"The Chief's first sidearm is the M6D Magnum." Boomstick starts going over MC's weapons. "This scoped, high powered pistol uses 12.7 millimeter armor piercing rounds with the precision accuracy of over 400 feet. I don't care what kinda armor you're wearin', three headshots from this baby, and you're done."
"His other sidearms include the SMG and frag grenades." Wiz goes further.
"His standard firearms include the rapid-fire Assault Rifle, the more precise Battle Rifle, and the M90 shotgun, a pump action death dealer that uses Soellkraft 8 gauge shells."
"Which are so impossibly dangerous, they are banned worldwide to the point of near extinction."
Ruby is practically drooling at the explanation of MC's weapons.
"But even that's not enough killin' power for the Master Chief." Boomstick says. "The M41 rocket launcher holds 2 rockets at once, and his sniper rifle was designed for killin' giant alien infantry from long distances. The shells can pierce tank armor or rip people in half. And then there's Chief's killer app: The Spartan Laser."
"With a three second charge and a 5 shot limit, it does have its faults. Buuuuut…"
"Think of it kinda like a laser pointer… that points things into OBLIVION!" Boomstick says as we see it in action.
"I need it! I need it! I need it!" Ruby says.
"Calm down, baby sister. They're just we-" Yang starts to say before she stops herself.
"Just what, Yang?" Ruby says matter-of-factly.
"Uh, nothing."
"That's what I thought."
"While, I'm not a fan of its style, you still have to think of how many Grimm we can take out with that." Blake says.
"Thank you, Blake." Ruby thanks the cat faunus.
"Master Chief can only carry two or three weapons at a time." Wiz explains. "However, he seems to possess extraordinary luck and can usually find exactly the weapon he needs somewhere nearby."
"He finds weapons on the ground more often than you can find change on a sidewalk." Boomstick says.
"Oh, why can't I have that kinda luck?" Ruby slinks.
"You got into Beacon 2 years ahead of time, I don't wanna hear about your luck." Weiss mocks her leader, to which Ruby raspberries her.
"He can also use special equipment in the field." Wiz continues. "The overshield triples the strength of his armor's shields, and active camouflage will cover him in an aura of light bending energy, creating the illusion of invisibility."
"Plus the bubble shield is a portable force field that protects the Chief from all projectiles, though people and vehicles can pass right through. How the hell does that work?" Boomstick says.
"So the shield can only protect him from enemies at a distance. That seems fallible." Pyrrha says.
"But considering his proficiency with firearms, good luck getting close." Ren says.
"But even that's not the last of Master Chief's vast arsenal." Wiz explains "When the elites allied themselves with the UNSC during the Human/Covenant war, the two sides traded some of their weaponry, giving John access to plasma pistols, plasma rifles, and the type-51 carbines."
"Not to mention my favorites, the sticky plasma grenade and the lethal energy sword." Boomstick says.
"Oooh, plasma grenades." Nora's attention has been piqued now. "I have no idea what that means, but it sounds cool!"
"That energy sword is really cool, too. I wouldn't mind taking that for a spin." Jaune says.
"The type-1 energy sword is one of the few weapons John has yet to master. It features two, four foot energy blades that can actually block bullets." Wiz explains.
"Really? Man, that would've been useful in the games." Boomstick comments.
"Wow, it must be tough to wield if Master Chief has yet to master it." Blake says.
"The Master Chief has consistently proven to accomplish the impossible." Wiz runs down MC's accomplishments. "He's an expert in combat strategy, can run 50 miles an hour, has defeated three entirely different armies multiple times, destroyed an entire Covenant armada single handedly, and prevented galactic genocide… TWICE."
"And one time he fell from orbit, holding on to nothing but a flimsy piece of metal, landing without a scratch, and was up kickin' alien ass just a few minutes later. Why? Because he can." Boomstick finishes.
Neither team could believe what they were hearing.
"Now that's an impressive career." Even the cool and collected Ren was left in awe.
"My new hero…" Jaune says.
"Master Chief, you mind telling me what you're doing on that ship?" A voice speaks to MC through his helmet.
"Sir, finishing this fight." Chief answers emphatically.
"Woah…" Weiss was floored by the sound of Master Chief's voice. "He sounds so mature…"
"A little flustered down there, ice queen." Yang asks.
"Huh? Of course not…" Weiss says.
"The original, ass kicking, demon slaying, first person badass, and one of my personal heroes: Doomguy!" Boomstick introduces the opponent of Master Chief.
"That's a heck of an introduction." Jaune admits.
"After disobeying his commanding officer, and beating him to death, Doomguy's career took a drastic turn when he was sent to the desolate moons of Mars, which so happened to house a magical gateway to the bloody bowels of Hell." Wiz explains.
"Mexico!"
"...No."
Both teams took a moment to process all of that.
"Did you guys get all that? Because I'm not sure I did." Jaune asks.
"My brain is spinning trying to process all that." Ruby says.
"What kind of crazed lunatic not only disobeys their commander, but beats them to death?!" Weiss was bewildered, thinking of how much trouble Winter would be in if she tried something so foolish.
"That's definitely the most… unique backstory for a character so far." Blake says.
"And when Hell tried to kill everybody, Doomguy killed them back." Boomstick says.
"He wears the Megaarmor, a shielding combat suit almost twice as strong as typical security armor and can endure dozens of normally fatal plasma blasts." Wiz explains.
"He carries a huge arsenal of murder machines, all at once!"
"Oh boy! Oh boy! OH BOY!" Ruby gets giddy with excitement.
"How is it possible to carry all your weapons at once?" Pyrrha asks.
"Using a backpack with experimental warp technology. Doomguy is able to hold all his weapons simultaneously." Wiz explains.
"How… does that work?" Ren asks.
"That technology is actually unbelievable." Weiss says.
"Who cares? I wish I had something like that!" Ruby says.
"I'm pretty sure his pistol uses the same technology since he never has to reload!" Boomstick says. "And when things get tight, his chainsaw will rip and tear through anybody! Rggggghhhh! 'No, not the chainsaw!' 'Yes, the chainsaw!' Rgggghhh! …And his chain gun mows down everything in seconds."
Weiss and Blake look at each other, not knowing what to make of Boomstick's behavior. Ruby looks on in awe Doomguy's destructive capabilities.
"Oddly, the chain gun uses the same .5 mm ammo as the handgun, and is relatively ineffective against strong body armor." Wiz explains.
"Well, that's stupid. Luckily, Doomguy has his trusty pump action shotgun!" Boomstick adds. "It holds sixteen shells and fires seven pellets a shot, with a spread range so ridiculous he doesn't even have to aim! But apparently one overpowered shottie isn't enough! So Doomguy got himself a super shotgun: a heavy double barreled devastator that fires a huge spread of twenty pellets. Good luck dodging that!"
"He also wields a plasma gun and a rapid fire rocket launcher that can hold fifty rockets at once." Wiz explains.
"What the hell! Who designs these things?"
"That's so cool!" Ruby's eyes sparkle.
"That's totally ridiculous!" Weiss says.
"I gotta get Uncle Qrow on the scroll so he can help design these for myself!" Ruby says.
"But even that pales in comparison to Doomguy's ultimate weapon." Wiz says.
"It's the king of cannons, the doomsday bazooka that lays waste to everything: It's the Big Fucking Gun 9000!" Boomstick shouts.
Onscreen, we see the BFG in action, as Doomguy fires it at a demon, creating a big green explosion.
"Ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!" Ruby shouts.
"If this goes on any longer, Ruby may go into a joy induced coma." Jaune says.
"Heh. Big Fucking Gun." Yang chuckles.
"The BFG fires enormous rounds of plasma. Upon impact, the resulting detonation releases trace rays across a wide varying blast radius. This "gun" is strong enough to annihilate the gargantuan Cyber Demon in a mere two or three shots, and the unprecedented range of its splash damage ensures no one is getting away unscathed." Wiz explains as Boomstick lets out a moan. "Wait a second Boomstick, you're not going to believe this, but the BFG is not Doomguy's deadliest weapon."
"It's not?!" Pyrrha is shocked.
"How much more destructive can it get?" Yang questions.
"Yes! YES!" Ruby shouts.
"Yes! More!" Boomstick says, getting just as excited as Ruby.
"Behold the Unmaker, a portable death ray that puts everything else to shame." Wiz explains.
"Gimme! Gimme gimme gimme!"
"Oh god yes! Yes! YEEEEEES!" Ruby excitedly shouts, terrifying everyone in the room.
"Ruby… I've known you all my life, and I must say, you're kind of scaring me." Yang tells her sister.
"I second that." Jaune says.
"Phew. Is… it getting hot in here or is it just me?" Ruby asks as she starts sweating.
"There's just one catch. The unmaker's beams are so powerful because they actually feed off the demonic energy of the target, which means it's basically useless against anything that isn't from Hell." Wiz explains.
"Aw man! So you mean we won't even get to see it in action?" Ruby slinks down.
"I guess so. It'll be useless against Master Chief… which means there's a chance." Weiss says.
"Doomguy's still got this. His weapons are too awesome and he can change them out whenever." Ruby predicts.
"Last time I checked, how many weapons you have doesn't give you the win. It's your skill, and Master Chief is the superior soldier while Doomguy is just a brute!" Weiss argues, which Ruby gasps in response.
"You take that back!" Ruby says.
"Dammit! Well, I guess it doesn't really matter when you already have a backpack full of things to kill people with. Give me the BFG any day." Boomstick says.
"Now Doomguy isn't exactly a super soldier, but his strength and speed are far greater than a normal man, due to constant use of super serums and power ups." Wiz explains.
"The Berserker power up completely heals him and increases his strength tenfold. And the Invincibility and Partial Invisibility power ups do, well, exactly what you think they would."
"Doomguy rarely relies on strategy, preferring to mow down his enemies as fast as he can."
"It's more fun that way." Boomstick says.
"And that will be his downfall." Weiss says.
"The berserker power-up will make all the difference." Ruby says.
Yang and Blake roll their eyes at their teammates.
"Women. Am I right?" Nora nudges Ren.
"He's defeated the armies of Hell five separate times. He even walked right knee deep into Hell itself to avenge his pet rabbit, Daisy." Wiz says.
"Aw that's actually really sweet. Poor bunny though…" Yang says.
"Looks like the brute has a soft side." Blake says with a smile.
"I wonder how he would react to Velvet…" Jaune ponders.
"He can run up to 57 miles an hour, even outrunning his own rockets, and can spot invisible enemies." Wiz further adds.
"He's no normal man. He's… Doomguy!" Boomstick finishes off the analysis.
Doomguy defeats the Spiderdemon onscreen.
"Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all." Wiz says.
"It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!" Boomstick shouts.
Doomguy is seen walking around the stage that has a Warthog and a few crates, carrying a shotgun. Suddenly, Master Chief walks into the area with a loaded pistol.
"OOOOH, I am so ready for this! Come on Doomguy!" Ruby cheers.
"Show him that brains will topple brawn every time, Master Chief!" Weiss roots for MC.
FIGHT!
Master Chief pulls out an assault rifle and begins unloading on Doomguy, but it is doing no damage. A firefight erupts and Doomguy rapidly switches through his weapons, shooting each time. Chief takes cover, but it is no use, as Doomguy pulls out his rocket launcher and rapidly shoots rockets at him. Chief dramatically dodges them all with somersaults and barrel rolls and grabs one of the soaring rockets. He chucks it back towards Doomguy, stunning him.
"Woahhhhh…" Yang is in awe.
"So coooool…" Jaune says.
"Ohhhhhhh nooooooooo…" Ruby says in super slow motion.
While stunned, Chief grabs the Warthog and chucks it at Doomguy, revealing an energy sword and an invisibility power up. While Doomguy is trying to shoot the Warthog out of the air with his Plasma Gun, Chief switches the assault rifle for the sword and goes invisible. Doomguy finally gets the Warthog downed, but he notices Chief is nowhere to be found.
He then pulls out his chaingun, jerks around, and begins to fire, revealing Chief, who is using the sword as a shield to dodge them.
"There's no hiding from DOOMGUY!" Ruby yells.
Doomguy, seeing how the chaingun is doing nothing, pulls out the shotgun and blasts Chief back into a crate, revealing an invincibility power up.
"Oh no, that's the Berzerker power-up." Jaune says.
"Yes! YEEEEES!" Ruby chuckles.
Doomguy gets the power up while Chief uses a rocket launcher and sniper rifle to stop him, but no dice. The Invincibility wears off and Doomguy fires his BFG. But out of the explosion is a plasma grenade.
"He's still alive!" Yang says.
"But how?!" Ruby questions.
"I don't know, but Doomguy might not be in just a bit." Pyrrha says.
It sticks onto Doomguy's shoulder, and Doomguy lets out a scream before he's blown up into bloody chunks.
The smoke from the BFG round fades away and reveals an unscathed Master Chief, who used a bubble shield to stop the BFG round. Chief walks over to Doomguy's bloody chunks and teabags them.
K.O.!
"AHHHHH, I FORGOT ABOUT THE BUBBLE SHIELD!" Ruby bangs her head.
"Checkmate!" Weiss rubs it in.
"Congratulations on getting one right for once." Nora says.
"Hey!"
"That's so gross…" Blake comments on the bloody and chunky way Doomguy went out.
"What was Master Chief doing to him after?" Pyrrha questions.
"The ultimate insult to injury…" Yang says, as if speaking from experience.
"It's about time we had a good old fashioned gunfight!" Boomstick declares.
"Doomguy may have an enormously destructive arsenal, but, unfortunately, his weapons lack versatility." Wiz explains.
"I hate to admit it, but Chief can take and dish out more punishment than Doomguy."
"And while defeating Hell sounds awe-inspiring, Doomguy's enemies weren't that much different from Master Chief's."
"This fight was nuts!" Boomstick puns before chuckling.
"The winner is the Master Chief."
"Well, I'm happy we got a cool gunfight at least. The amount of weapons they both had was super cool…" Ruby says in a dreamy voice.