A/N: This has been in the drafts for a while, I was hoping to work on it a bit more but if I dont keep posting I will lose any and all sense of creativity and inspiration, so sadly, this is the final draft haha.
A missing scene from Season 3 post Duel. Hope you guys still enjoy it! Darvey-centric as always with hints of angst. Critiques, comments, and suggestions are always welcome Xxx
Missing Call
Donna sniffles, looking away and focusing on the elevator doors closing, not wanting to look at Harvey anymore standing there battered and bruised because of her. She can't handle it. Can't handle his concerned big brown eyes and bloody lip coupled with his beat up brow. She just wants to escape the firm, to be alone right now and feel like she could cry her eyes out at the fact that she slept with a murderer. That she flirted with him and laughed with him and took multiple post sex lazy naps with a man capable of killing innocent people. And she didn't even know it.
She thinks she's capable of crying in peace now that she's in the elevator ride, safely tucked away from Harvey who was out of sight, no longer having to compose herself with a brave face for him. But of course, that is when her body betrays her and no more tears run down her face.
She's numb as she walks across the hallways out the doors and she's not even a little surprised when Ray calls her over. "Miss Paulsen!" He exclaims from a distance, and Donna simply nods her head making her way into his trusted car.
She barely mutters a thank you as he drops her off, barely managing to remember to get her keys out of her purse to make it into her apartment.
She blinks as she finds herself back inside her own home. She takes off her heels and doesn't attempt to wash her face. She didn't have the energy. Not yet.
She slowly unzips her dress and makes her way into her bedroom when she realizes the memory of Huntley felt everywhere. She never should've broken her rule, this was the worst thing that could've happened to her- the worst outcome she'd never even predicted. She couldn't believe her judgement was that off on him.
Was it because she was so desperate to prove she could break the rule? Was it to have some fun with someone at work, to show off in front of Harvey or Rachel who'd been following her around like a fangirl ever since it happened? She cringes at the idea she missed all these huge red flags in the name of vainness. She felt like she couldn't trust herself like her mind had betrayed her. Because it had.
She looks around her room and knows sleep won't come tonight. She wishes she still had her guest bedroom but no, she'd renovated years ago for a bigger living room. She sighs as she grabs her pajamas and leaves the room with her blanket and pillow realizing she was going to be couching it tonight.
He was a bigger bastard than she realized as he took away the comfort of her own bed too.
She'll have to burn all her sheets from this week.
She might have to demolish her entire bedroom now. Redecorate.
She thought she wanted to be alone to wallow in the safety of her own walls and with no interference. But now… in the middle of the night, with exhaustion not lessening any of the adrenaline and guilt that was pumping into her veins all she could feel is fear and a nagging sense that she wasn't safe anymore. Like she couldn't trust herself because really, who was she to blame but herself?
Donna sighs as she rubs her face, still cracked and caked with the remnants of her makeup. She knew she'd feel better if she took it off but now it almost felt saccharine to keep it on as some form of self-punishment.
Sleep with a murderer and get a face full of wrinkles and pimples. That was a good trade off, she chuckles wryly to herself before settling into her couch cushions. At least her sense of humor was still intact.
She tries shutting her mind off by turning on the tv, bunching up her blanket around her, covering up her shoulders as she scrolls through the channels.
Click click click click click.
She lands on The Simpsons for all 15 minutes before she realizes all she was doing was staring aimlessly as her mind thought back to every action Stephen ever did.
Did he even like her at all? Was Harvey right, did he just use her to get to him, as some sort of decoy as he planned his attacks? She thought she knew the pure carnal look of desire in Huntley's eyes and the way he looked at her like a promising challenge.
She thought she saw genuine appreciation for her when they had dinner together over candlelight. But she also thought he was an overall good man - good enough that he wouldn't have done something that would land him in prison let alone her wishing he'd go to fucking hell and she didn't even believe in that place.
Maybe Harvey was right. Maybe Stephen never liked her. Maybe she was full of shit and her "Donna" way was just a cute gimmick that she should retire.
Her brain wouldn't shut off.
"Hello?"
Donna startles at the noise, completely surprised by the fact her body clearly has a mind of its own, dialing Harvey's number at 3 am.
"Donna?" He asks hesitantly- worry and surprise in his tone.
Donna blinks in shock still, "Harvey, hey. I'm sorry did I wake you?"
"No, couldn't sleep. You ok?"
"Yeah I-" Donna swallows, she isn't sure why his voice made her feel ready to cry again but she forced the urge down. "I'm ok." She winces at how un-ok and breathy her voice sounds. She clears her throat. "I just couldn't sleep."
She knows it's not their normal routine. She never calls him if she can't sleep. That's his amo. They call, they text, they flirt and at midnight or 6 am when he needs someone he'll always call her. There have been many a times he'd called out of boredom or worry or haunted dreams, calling her to have her lull him to sleep. It's never his true intentions he never said it out loud but it's what happened. He'll fall asleep on her or they'd both fall asleep together after running out of things to say.
Sometimes, they'd barely even speak, letting the airline simply crackle over the phone, connecting one another as they both breathed over the phone, mimicking sleeping with one another as they left their iPhones resting across them on their beds.
Donna never initiated those calls. It felt like a line she'd cross if she ever did. Like it was ok if he did it but if she did it would mean something more. But here she was, lost and confused from all that happened tonight, hurt in a way she'd never been before, at the hands of herself and another man, and she doesn't know what would help her but apparently her heart knew as it had speed dialed Harvey without her knowing it.
"Donna," he sounds like he's going to say something. Probably something like he's an ass. Don't let him get to you. It's not your fault- had he said that for the hundredth time she's sure she would've snapped back at him.
Harvey exhales loudly over the phone and she pictures his jaw cracking to the side as he does so. "Have I ever told you about the time my dad gave me and Marcus our first cooking lesson?"
Donna smiles wistfully into her phone, so grateful for him changing the subject. "No." She hoarsely responds. she hears some shuffling come from his side as he rearranges himself in bed she's assuming.
"Well, it was awful. He somehow thought letting a 4 year old and 6 year old be in charge of sizzling bacon was the smart move on Mother's Day. Needless to say we ended up at the emergency room that day."
Donna lets out a low chuckle at that as she sniffles slightly. "Tell me more."
He regales her with the story. Of how his dad put too much trust in him as a 6 year old. At how he thought he put the oven on low but Marcus managed to put it on high when he turned around the oil sizzled and popped on his skin giving him blisters and making him cry. On how Harvey somehow got it in his mind to touch the pans and throw it on the ground like that would help somehow and they managed to make a mess and the bacon hit Harvey's exposed knee as it fell, burning him too.
On how his father rushed them to the hospital and the burns on Harvey ended up minor but Marcus got blisters instantly.
He launches into another story then, about him trying out for hockey and then baseball and how he fell in love with the sport. On how Marcus even as a little kid loved being in the kitchen despite the bacon fiasco.
They manage to stay on the phone for an hour before Harvey notices the noise coming off her TV.
"Are you two timing me with the Simpsons Paulsen?" Donna flushes at the realization he could hear it, thinking it was low enough he wouldn't.
"Sorry. I'll turn it off."
"Are you.. are you not in bed?" Donna bit a curse out. He couldn't remember his office extension number, but the layout of her apartment he'd visited two times over 10 years he remembers.
"I.. I thought I told you how I sleep is none of your concern."
"Donna."
"No. I couldn't, I just, I couldn't." She hears Harvey swallow over the phone. Another thing goes unsaid.
"Ok.I didn't say anything all night, because I know Donna, I know you don't want to talk about it but now I need to. He's the biggest fucking prick on the planet Donna,"
"I know that, don't you think I know that?" She snaps exasperated, her voice on the verge of hysteria.
"You told me a million times before you saw it and I didn't. And he was on my sheets and in my bed barely 48 hours ago. I can't be in there ok? I need to throw a seance or something."
He overlooks her poor attempt at a joke to elevate the mood.
A beat of silence passes between them. Donna sighs, before she lets her guard down, feeling completely weathered down by the past two days.
"It's the not knowing" she whispers softly, ashamed to admit her failures.
Donna never failed, and if she did, as a rule, she didn't broadcast it to the entire world but here her mistake was practically stamped on her forehead for all to see.
But she slept with a murderer. She slept with a con man and didn't know it. She paraded around the office with a glow from her sexual prowess, from her happiness to have a relationship with a monster, giddy to share details and hide comments behind sly smiles.
And she didn't even see it coming. Harvey, Harvey the goddamn manchild who had to have his feelings explained to him every ten minutes saw it coming, but she didn't. Mighty Donna Paulsen whose whole job was to read people and anticipate their moves, couldn't see this.
It was humiliating.
As if he's hearing her thought process Harvey finally spoke up again.
"I didn't know. I mean, I did but-"
"Harvey-"
"I was.. jealous ok?" He bites out the words like he didn't even want to. "That was the only reason I thought he was a prick. I never knew he was capable of this. So I don't want you doubting yourself or your abilities."
Donna overlooks his confession, not having the mental capacity to analyze what they both already knew, that he was bothered but it didn't mean anything. She could barely handle her new baggage of problems from one ex of sorts let alone her decades long boat shipment-sized plethora of baggage she has with Harvey.
She focuses on her anger again.
"Why because if the Spectacular Harvey Specter couldn't see it then there's no way I could've?!"
"Donna," he sounds fed up with her.
"What Harvey?"
"You couldn't have known there's no way-"
"You know even if I did believe that even if you're right and there truly was no way for me to pick up on the fact he was a murderer at the very least I shouldn't have been dating the guy. I mean Christ, talk about bad taste in men."
"He was using me." Donna seethes out the words, cringing mentally as she clenches her teeth together at the realization.
"He wasn't just- He-"
Donna cuts him off, not letting him get a chance to speak up " Oh how would you even know? Didn't see you two exactly having heart to hearts." Donna sarcastically scoffs, "And I just- I can't believe I let him get to me I can't believe I was part of the reason Huntley got away with so much- god Eva's company, the me-"
"Listen to me, this was not on you. No one thinks that. And you shouldn't think that. You're one of the smartest people I know. You have the best judgement of people out there. I trust your takes to close multi million dollar deals, you weren't- you weren't thinking clearly because you had your emotions clouding your judgement. maybe. And you told me this once and I'll say it again now. Sometimes people need help. And I know you're pretty close to Superman but you're human too Donna. And sometimes you need some help."
Donna sniffles. She mutes the phone call for a quick second as she feels her breath bitch and her eyes water for the millionth time that night, the tears streaming down unwillingly.
She hears a sigh escape from Harvey's end. "Donna?" Concern wraps around his syllables.
She lets out a shaky breath and unmutes the phone. "Wonder Woman."
She could practically see Harvey's confused face. "What?"
"Wonderwoman if I'm being compared to a superhero then Wonder Woman would be the right comparison."
Harvey lets out a reluctant chuckle and Donna smiles weakly at his response. "Lasso and all" he wholeheartedly agrees and Donna lets out a tiny chuckle as well.
"Thanks Harvey."
"You don-"
"I know I don't need to thank you. But still. Thank you."
They talked for a little while longer. He told her he wasn't going to let him get away with this and that he didn't want to hear her doubt herself ever again.
"Why not?"
"Because you're Donna. And I have faith in you and your-" he bites an amused smile, "Donna-abilities."
She laughs, silently wondering how was it he made everything seem ok when she was on the verge of a breakdown not even an hour ago.
He switches the topic back to safe ones, telling her all about Louis's theatrics today over a cat.
What feels like hours pass, and Donna's side of the conversation has subsequently lulled to nothing but mumbled hums of acknowledgement, finally tiring herself out enough to feel impending sleep engulf her body.
Harvey must believe she's already passed out, because he goes from updating her on nonsensical case details and daily anecdotes to mumbling a sentence or two here and there, talking just enough to qualify as both of them still on the phone, making sure she was still being put to bed.
"Donna?" He asks softly and Donna doesn't have the energy to respond, her eyelids heavy, her brain commanding her mouth to at least grunt an acknowledgement, but sleep was imminent and didn't let her.
"He wasn't using you." he mumbles softly, and Donna blinks her eyes open.
She's afraid to even change her breathing rhythm lest he realize she could hear him. "I know he wasn't just using you. He liked you. He… cared for you. A lot. It showed. I could tell. And I know. Because I know what it looks like to care for you Donna. And he did."
Donna feels her heartbeat so loud, she genuinely worries if she doesn't calm down soon he'll hear it over the speaker.
She doesn't know what to with that information- his confession. His confession she clearly wasn't supposed to hear.
He'd teased her before, about how at the very end of their phone calls, she gets so tired and sleepy she says nonsensical sentences that mean nothing as her brain battles the urge to sleep and keep talking to him. He used to joke that he confessed his deepest darkest secrets to her around that time because he knew she wouldn't remember the next morning, which was true.
She didn't think he actually did it. Wonders what else he'd confessed over the years- Doesn't know what to make of any of it- all of this. She doesn't even have the capacity to analyze his confession. It wasn't even meant for her ears, it doesn't mean anything.
And on the off chance it did, on the off chance like and care translated to something more, Donna knows deep down in her gut she wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to test the most trusted foundation she had, with all its complexities, in this way.
She just got burned, nearly lost herself in a relationship that almost broke her completely, all because she broke her sacred rule, in the name of living. Stephen was bad. Stephen was someone she almost fell for. Harvey was someone she knew she loved, in whatever way she could admit it to herself, and she wasn't going to do that with harvey. She wasn't going to risk them, or herself, not anytime soon. She knows there's something there, but she's just not sure she wants more than what they have right now. She needs familiar. She needs reassurance. She needs to know she can rely on Harvey like she always has. She needs these phone calls and every other aspect of their friendship, now more than ever.
She wonders what could've been in, at another time, with a different confession.
She hates Stephen just a little bit more for that, for meddling in her relationship with Harvey yet again.
The next day she woke up at 5 am to a dead phone and a clearer headspace. She takes a long shower and an even longer skincare routine trying to let her outside appearance match a sense of self confidence she lacks at the moment. She puts on her latest dress, a daring full lip and grabs her bag.
As she closes the front door of her building she does a double take at ray's car there to escort her yet again. Except this time with a Harvey standing in front of it.
Their eyes connect and Donna has to swallow down her emotions at his knowing look, a mixture of satisfaction and concern with soft eyes coupled with a smug smile.
He tells her he's there to give her a ride, and then surprises her with the twist of breakfast at nougatines- a new favorite- and a trip to hermes.
Her heart twists on itself as they share a knowing smile before entering Ray's car. Once inside he hands her a cup of coffee thats topped with foam.
She reaches for it before he retracts his hand backwards. Donna playfully narrows her eyes and he pushes it back closer to her before once again retracting it.
Donna chuckles wryly "Harvey, give me my coffee."
"This coffee comes with the promise you'll go easy on yourself. It's non-negotiable."
Donna ignores him, tilting her chin downwards as she snatches the coffee successfully away from him. "Non-negotiable what are we in a court of law." she mumbles before lifting her cup for a sip when Harvey clasps her wrist in his arm, halting her moves.
Brown eyes bore deep into hers, and Donna sees him search her own for some sort of feels her heartstrings being tugged with fear and a sense of self-doubt she'd never had before. But the pull of his eyes is stronger, the pull to right every doubt and every worry Harvey has for her is stronger.
She stares once more at his eyes, at how his lips are parted ever so slightly, how his puppy eyes are so openly vulnerable, something he rarely is nowadays, and smiles softly at him.
"I promise."