A wolf howled in the distance as Walt drove into the parking lot of the gangsters' neighborhood. The night sky was bare and black, with the moonlight shining directly on the war veteran as he began to exit his vehicle. Fury and anger stained his soul as he began to walk directly towards the house of the criminals who had been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks now.
The front door swung open as several of the gang members began exiting from the house, guns drawn.
Walt showed no fear, he just asked "any swamp rats in there?" to the gang members in preparation for what was about to happen.
"I didn't think yo ass woulda came" said one of the gang members.
"SHUT UP GOOK" said Walt angrily.
The scene soon became more intense as more and more gang members began coming out the door, anxiety clearly making them more antsy than usual as they drew their firearms. Their hands shook as they aimed carefully at the man in front of them.
Walt still didn't flinch as he said "I've got nothing to say to a shrimp dick midget like you."
One of the gang members seemed deterred by Walt's presence, so his friend hid the man behind himself as a human shield.
Walt simply said "yeah yeah, you go and watch out for your boyfriend, cause it was either he, or you, or someone who raped one of their own family. Your own blood for Christ's sake."
Now the mood was getting really intense. Every single gang member had their guns aimed directly at Walt, and it was clear that they had no intention of letting him leave this place alive.
"Yeah, go ahead and pull those pistols like miniature cowboys. Go ahead."
"So where's Tau at? That pussy motherfucker couldn't come?"
"Don't worry about Tau. Tau's got not one second for you."
Soon, Walt began reaching into his coat pocket and the gang members immediately cocked their guns in response.
"Kinda jumpy aren't we?" asked Walt.
"Hey shut the fuck up."
"NO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP" said Walt as he pulled out a cigarette and placed it in his mouth.
The gang members stared at Walt intensely as the war veteran asked "anyone got a light?"
When no one answered, Walt just said "I've got a light" before reaching into his coat pocket a second time.
A bolt of lightning struck the sky as shots erupted from the gang members guns with the intent of turning Walt into Swiss cheese, but Walt managed to block all the bullets as he pulled his secret weapon out of his coat pocket.
The Power Glove
The power of Nintendo coursed through Walt's veins as he felt Shigeru Miyamoto bless his soul. Walt could feel his soul turn 8-bit while his blood turned to gamer girl bathwater. His desire for battle made him hungry and he was going to have a feast tonight.
"Now let's teach you yellow faced, buck toothed Japs a lesson" said Walt before making a fist and firing a stream of ice magic at two of the gang members. The stream hit the two members in the chest and caused them to freeze in place, before shattering into a million pieces a second later.
A black skinned gang member said "ya just killed my homies, you're gonna pay for that!"
Walt then said "shut up pussy" before pulling out Donkey Kong's coconut gun and firing a coconut directly at the head of the gang member. A bump formed on the gang member's forehead as the coconut hit him directly in the center of his skull. His entire skeleton then caught on fire and he turned to ashes a second later.
Guy Fieri then jumped out of the bushes and said "hey, you can't do that!"
Walt then aimed his coconut gun at Guy Fieri and said "shut your fucking face" before a Tetris piece exited from his coconut gun and stabbed Guy Fieri directly in the chest. Blood sprayed like a firehose from Guy's chest as he fell to the ground and died.
Spongebob Squarepants then fell from the sky and said "hey everyone let's just try being friends, ok?"
Spongebob then spontaneously caught on fire. No one ever thought to ask something like that again.
Several dozen more gang members exited from the house, Uzis ready. Walt proceeded to pull a cartoonishly large hammer out of his pocket and smashed all of the gang members at the same time.
"Now that's what I call a gangbang" said Walt.
Walt then reached into his pocket and pulled out a Nintendo DS. He then drank a can of Surge Soda made of multiverses before tossing the handheld console at the gangsters house. The handheld console crashed through one of the windows and caused the entire ground to shake. A few seconds later, the entire house exploded in a glorious combustion of cosmic brownies.
Walt celebrated his victory by putting a strand of DNA in his mouth and smoking it like a cigarette. He got a damn good high from this miracle of science.
His victory didn't last long however, as an airplane landed on the ground and hundreds more gang members exited from the flying machine, each one of them carrying a gun with them.
Walt wasn't scared in the slightest. He just stared down the gang members and said "well, what are you waiting for? Fire away before I get impatient."
As the biggest firefight of mankind was about to take place, I, Hitlertheduck, walked over to Walt and said "sorry, but this fight's not gonna happen."
Walt just asked "why the fuck not?"
I nervously said "well, I'm out of ideas."
"You can't be out of ideas, you're the writer for Christ's sake."
"I'm sorry, but I've run out of things to write."
"That's bullshit" said Walt.
"Please don't blame me, it's not my fault I'm a talentless hack. I had a terrible childhood. When I was 6, my parents forced me to mine for ores on the moon, and then when I pointed out that we don't own a spaceship, they tossed me into a dimensional portal where I was ripped apart by dinosaur George Costanzas!"
Suddenly a bullet rang out and hit me directly in the spine, causing blood to gush everywhere.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO!?" said Walt angrily.
One of the gang members stepped forward and said "well I'm sorry but he was talking like he was going to cancel the fic entirely and I don't want my existence to be wiped out."
Walt then said "you raise a good point, but we won't even have a fanfiction period if we don't have a writer."
Another gang member then said "so should we just go buy one?"
Walt said "yeah, let's go buy a writer."
….
Soon, a day had passed and the sun shined down on our protagonist as Walt and the gang leader (his name is Spider) traveled to the writer store to buy a new writer since the old one died.
An employee in a red vest cheerfully greeted the men at the door and said "welcome to the writer store! We have all the writers you could possibly need! We've got novel writers, movie writers, haiku writers, you name it we got it!"
"Shut the fuck up" said Walt.
"Yes sir" said the employee.
Spider stepped up and said "we're looking for a fanfic writer, do you have any of those?"
The employee said "why of course we do! Fanfic writers are some of the hottest sellers and they're incredibly cheap to make."
Spider smiled and said "well good, because we need one to finish our story ASAP."
The employee then said "I can do that. Follow meeeeeeee!" The employee then began happily skipping towards the aisle while a rainbow trail followed him everywhere he went.
Walt and Spider followed the man, hoping that they could just get this over with quickly.
The employee skipped and hopped, bringing joy and harmony everywhere he went until eventually he came to the aisle of the fanfic writers.
"Well gentlemen, take your pick of writers. I hope they make you feel all ooey gooey on the inside"
"Shut your fucking mouth" said Walt.
"Yes sir" squeamishly said the employee.
The employee decided to leave the two of them to their own devices as Walt and Spider then began looking through the aisles to pick out an author to finish their story. It almost seemed like a library with the sheer amount of options there were to choose from.
Spider pointed at a random writer and said "how about this guy? His name is ConorK456."
Walt shook his head and said "yeah right, he'll just turn us all into furry faggots and call it a day."
Spider then said "what about this one? Yoshizillarhedosaurus."
Walt shook his head once again and said "that's an even worse choice. He'll just make all of us fart until the whole ecosystem is polluted and we all die of suffocation."
Spider nodded and said "yeah you're probably right. Why does picking out a new writer have to be so frickin tough?"
Walt then said "what about this author? Her name is Sutchislife."
"That's perfect, let's buy her immediately!"
Walt then picked up the fanfic writer and prepared to go to the cash register, but before he could, he slipped on a conveniently placed banana peel and landed on his ass, causing the fanfic writer to fall and hit the ground, shattering into a million pieces.
"I think you broke it" said Spider.
"Yeah ya think?"
The war veteran and gang leader were stumped now. There seemed to be no good fanfic writers who could complete their story.
Spider then suddenly did a twirl in the air and said "WAIT I GOT IT!"
"What the fuck is it that you got?" asked Walt
"What if we buy Eric Harris?"
"You goddamn genius" complimented Walt (Eric actually wrote a DOOM fanfic for English class so it counts. He's one of us)
The war veteran and gang leader then shook hands, high fived, fist bumped, pinky swore, arm wrestled, and then backflipped. The sheer radicalness of this moment caused everyone on earth to sprout a backwards hat on their head.
Walt immediately put Eric Harris into their shopping cart and they began to walk towards the cash register.
When they got there, a mindbroken minimum wage employee stood there and said in the most robotic voice possible "one fanfic writer, that'll cost 1 trillion dollars."
Walt then stared at Spider and said "you got money right?"
Spider said "I have a Peppa Pig plush toy, does that work?"
"Fuck yeah, give it to him"
Spider handed the employee the plush pig and said "keep the change" before preparing to take Eric Harris back with them.
"One fanfic writer, that'll cost 1 trillion dollars" said the employee once again.
"Yeah yeah, we got that" said Walt.
"One fanfic writer, that'll cost 1 trillion dollars".
"Shut the fuck up"
The employee reached under his table and pulled out a shotgun. As he aimed it at our heroes, he said "one fanfic writer, that'll cost 1 trillion dollars."
Spider said "quick, do something!"
Walt then quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out a bagel. He then tossed it at the head of the employee.
The bagel bounced harmlessly off his head as he repeated "one fanfic writer, that'll cost 1 trillion dollars" before cocking his shotgun and preparing to fire.
Walt then said "if you don't kill us, I'll be your best friend."
The employee stopped for a second before beginning to lower his shotgun as he said "really? I've never had a friend before."
"Well you've got one now, and since we're friends, could I please see that shotgun?"
"Sure, new friend" said the employee before handing his weapon over.
"Thanks" said Walt before aiming the gun at the employee and saying "now empty the register and give me everything in it."
"What in tarnation?"
"You heard me"
The employee then begrudgingly opened up the register and put a slice of pepperoni pizza in Walt's hands.
"What the fuck is this?"
"That's all we have. I'm sorry we don't have more."
"God fucking dammit" said Walt before he and Spider left the store with their fanfic writer in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other, prepared to finally get the fanfic finished.
…
Gran Torino with extra gummy worms
By Eric Harris
The birds were chirping as another day in Columbine High School began. The students happily did their homework while the teachers gave sing songy presentations in order to teach the kids everything they knew. All in all, it seemed like a fantastic day at school was about to begin.
This pleasant day would soon be interrupted as a huge explosion went off and Walt and Spider burst through the halls of Columbine. The students were completely silent at this, and after a while, Walt broke the silence by saying "you gonna pull those pencils or whistle dixie?"
Before any of the students could answer, Walt unloaded shots straight into the crowd while Spider casually ate a bag of red Pop Rocks.
Walt was using the Super Scope while Spider was using the Sega Menacer. The pair then began unloading the power of retro video games on the student population as blue 16-bit lasers exited from their guns and entered the bodies of the kids. Blood began spraying out of the kids bodies as the video game themed school shooters showed no mercy to them.
The two school shooters laughed as student and teacher bodies began piling up in the hundreds. It looked like a mountain was slowly beginning to form.
Blood stained the walls as Walt fired his Super Scope with utmost precision while his buddy, Spider, followed close behind.
The shooting continued on until literally everyone at Colombine High School was dead because they were stupid boogerfaces with booger lifestyles.
Walt and Spider stopped firing before Walt said "wait, why are we here again?"
"You know, I'm not quite sure" said Spider.
Before the two shooters could continue questioning the plot of the fanfic they were in, the Cyberdemon from DOOM showed up in the hallway. The mechanical beast from Hell roared, almost like it was challenging our two shooters to a duel to the death.
Walt and Spider accepted the Cyberdemon's challenge as Walt began firing Jay-Jay Jetplanes at the Cyberdemon's face while Spider pulled out a pair of nun-chuks made of Tetris pieces and began swinging them around wildly.
The Cyberdemon roared as he began wildly firing missiles out of his rocket arm in an attempt to blow our heroes to smithereens.
Spider used his tetris nun-chuks to whack these missiles away with expert precision while Walt jumped into the air and pressed his gun directly to the Cyberdemon's face.
"You're DOOMED" said Walt before pulling the trigger on his Super Scope and blowing the Cyberdemon's head off. A geyser of crimson red blood erupted from the Cyberdemon's neck stump as Walt leaped from the monster's body back onto the ground.
Spider then said "well that was fun, are you in the mood for a burrito?"
Walt responded with "yeah, I could go for a burrito."
The two shooters then left the now desolate school to go and enjoy some burritos.