Welcome to my new story! I had the idea for this while listening to the song 'Leaving New York' by R.E.M., which also inspired the title of this work. Especially one line caught my attention, which is "It's easier to leave than to be left behind". I tried to emphasize that in this story. I hope you like it, please let me know what you think! That would be amazing!
I don't own the characters or places!
After defeating Loki and his army in New York, most of the Avengers stayed in the city. Tony had offered them quarters in the Stark Tower – now being called the Avengers Tower. They all took the offer gladly, not just because it meant a well-deserved break, but also because most of them didn't have another place to stay anyway. Like Bruce Banner, who'd always been hiding from the world until now. Or Natasha, who travelled from one SHIELD mission to the next.
And then there was Steve.
He'd only woken up a few months before the attack on New York took place and the small apartment in Brooklyn SHIELD hat gotten him never felt like home. It was a place to stay and it reminded him of his old life, but at the same time, it was also a constant reminder of everything that wasn't the same anymore. So when Tony offered that he could stay in the Tower as well, he hadn't hesitated at all.
It turned out that it was the best decision he'd ever made. Very soon, the Avengers became like family to him and Steve felt completely at ease in their small group. Natasha was always calm and collected, but after getting to know her better, he discovered that she was a really good friend with an amazing sense of humour. Clint was never able to shut his mouth, about nothing at all. Secretly, Steve thought that the SHIELD agent looked a little sad when he thought that no one noticed, but he never said anything to that. Most probably, he was still hit hard by the death of Phil Coulson, who'd been his best friend, Natasha told him later.
Then there was Bruce, who was still a little awkward around people, but slowly got calmer in their presence. Apparently, being on the run for so long had made him far too mistrustful. When he was relaxed, he was actually very nice and thoughtful. However, he spent most of his time in the lab anyway, either Tony's or the one he had completely for himself.
And Tony… Steve didn't really know what to say about him. At first, he'd thought that he was just like his father. Self-obsessed, vain, far too brilliant for his own good and not caring about others at all. However, Steve soon discovered that Tony might seem like that to people who didn't really know him, but in fact, he was one of the most caring people he'd ever known. He always made sure that they had everything. From food, clothes, suitable quarters over the best weapons to things to do in their free time, he got them everything they wanted and most of the time, they didn't even need to ask about it. They were just there. Like Steve's painting supplies. He'd never told anyone that he liked to do that, but one day, the things had just been right there, in his living room.
He wasn't sure how Tony did it, but most probably, he was just a very observant person. Or he had JARVIS spying on them, one could never be sure about that. But Steve didn't care how Tony knew those things, he just felt oddly touched that he did so much for them at all. When he tried to tell the genius that it wasn't even necessary once, Tony had just rolled his eyes. "Get used to it, Cap." He'd said simply and walked away, ending that discussion in the most effective way.
Weeks passed and slowly, he and Tony got closer. Steve wasn't even sure how it happened in the first place. They talked more often about everything and nothing at all. Movies they watched, things which were on the news, the latest football game they'd seen. After some time, Steve also told him a few things about his past, like his friendship with Bucky and how he became Captain America in the first place. In return, Tony told him some of his story. Not what made him get the Arc reactor, but how his decision to become Iron Man was made. From that, Steve could picture what had happened to the other man in Afghanistan far too well. It made him want to smash things, even if he knew that Tony had dealt with those people by himself years ago.
He also started to accompany Tony to his lab, something which would have seemed boring to him only months ago. But it was fascinating to watch him work. Tony was so passionate about the things he invented, Steve found that he couldn't look away. He'd always thought that Tony Stark was beautiful, but in such moments, he was stunning.
Sometimes, Steve just sat in the lab for hours, watching Tony work. They talked about many things then and sometimes, Tony even tried to explain what he was doing. Something he gave up very soon, once it became obvious that Steve was totally hopeless when it came to technology. Other times, however, Steve would fetch his sketchbook and a pencil and just sit in the lab, making a few sketches of whatever came to his mind. The Avengers Tower in New York. Some buildings in Brooklyn. The Iron Man suit. Tony's face, though he kept that secret.
It took them a few months to get together. Of course it was Tony who acted first, though he was pretty nervous that evening they stood together on the roof of the Tower, watching what little could be seen of the stars in the middle of New York. After some rambling, which Steve thought was very cute, the genius seemed to decide that making a big speech would only result in more awkwardness, so he grabbed Steve by the collar and kissed him.
Ever since, they were a couple. Steve still felt nervous about all of it. During his time, no one even dared to speak about having feelings for someone of the same gender. It was something no one could admit, not even to oneself. The consequences would have been disastrous.
Tony was understanding about all of Steve's fears and doubts. He knew that everything was still new to him and things could also be pretty scary. He even promised to keep their relationship secret for as long as Steve needed.
It worked for a few more months, them being happier than ever. Steve left the Tower for a few missions for SHIELD, but in the end, he'd always return to Tony. He loved the man with all his heart, something that never ceased to amaze him. Steve loved the life they'd created together.
Yes, Tony could still be annoying as hell at times, he worked too much and forgot eating and sleeping in the process of that, but in the end, they always made up and ended up cuddling on the couch or in Tony's big bed they shared now.
Life was perfect for Steve Rogers.
Until, one day, he agreed to go out on a date with Tony. Dinner at one of the best restaurants in New York. They'd been there before, but only as friends. This time, they would go there as a couple.
When the world found out that Tony Stark and Steve Rogers, aka Iron Man and Captain America, were a couple, it was all over the news. It literally broke the internet, if he could believe Tony about that. Many people were very supportive, but of course there were also those who weren't.
All his friends said that he shouldn't listen to them. It didn't matter what a few people said about them. There were only two people who mattered in this relationship and that were Tony and himself. If they were happy, nothing should bother them.
But once he actually read all those articles in the papers and on the internet, Steve freaked out.
And he did what he'd promised to Tony he would never do.
He grabbed a piece of paper, wrote a letter to him.
Then he ran away and left the city.
It's quiet now and what it brings is everything
Comes calling back, a brilliant night, I'm still awake
I looked ahead, I'm sure I saw you there
You don't need me to tell you now that nothing can compare
Steve sat back on the couch with a sigh. He'd just returned to the small apartment SHIELD had rented for him in Washington DC after a mission that hadn't been as easy as expected. He'd done lots of those in the past weeks, but this one had been especially difficult. The terrorists had stolen some kind of high-tech weapon SHIELD's scientists had invented and threatened to kill some civilians they'd captured once they heard of a group of agents being sent to put an end to this conflict. What they hadn't expected, however, was Captain America among the group of SHIELD agents.
In the end, they'd managed to free all the hostages and get the weapon back. Steve had just been told that it was very dangerous and that they shouldn't do anything with it. They even got a secure suitcase to transport that thing in. During the mission, he'd thought several times that surely, Tony would have understood how that thing worked. It would have been simple to him, logical even. But Iron Man hadn't been with them, so Steve and the agents had treated the device as if it was made of glass.
After they'd delivered the weapon to the Triskelion, all Steve wanted was to get some sleep. Luckily, his new flat wasn't too far away from the place. So he'd gotten his motorbike and went home. If home was the right word for the place he lived in now. Blank walls, nearly no furniture. It was just like the flat they'd gotten him in Brooklyn. A place to stay, but not a home.
While he sat on the couch now, he couldn't stop thinking about the events of the previous weeks. He'd been so sure that he could do it, going out on a public date with Tony. They'd been together for months and everything was so perfect. What would it matter, if the world knew about them? There was always someone who liked to complain, surely it could be easily ignored.
Just that he couldn't do it. It had nearly driven him mad, seeing all those public reactions. The disgust in some words. The judgement. Hate, even. Love shouldn't be like this, with so many people judging them simply for who they were.
It felt like he was back in his old life, before he'd been frozen for so long. No one could ever accept that he loved men, so he hid it from everyone. Only Bucky had known, after all, he was Steve's best friend and they told each other everything. But next to that, he'd told no one. Not Peggy and especially not Howard. Because he'd been the first man Steve had ever felt attracted to.
Peggy got to know about Steve's preferences much later, when he'd first visited her in the hospital after waking up. She hadn't been surprised, though. There was just a smile on her lips, as if she felt happy for him that he could finally say the truth out loud.
It had been so easy, believing that he could be courageous when it came to this. With Tony by his side, he felt like he could do everything. There were no limits to what they could achieve together.
Anxiety, however, was nothing that just vanished within a few days. And Steve hadn't dared to stay with the genius, his boyfriend, the love of his life for much longer than that. It had been too much, all those reactions. So he'd done the only thing he could think of. It was running away.
He felt guilty and it still made him sick. He didn't even say goodbye to Tony personally. Instead, he left him a letter, of all things. A letter! Steve wouldn't even imagine how Tony must have felt, having returned from a short trip to one of the new reactor buildings in the city, only to find Steve gone afterwords, with nothing but a letter left on their bed.
He'd tried to talk to him about it. Once all the papers and websites wrote about their relationship, Tony had taken everything from him and tried to convince Steve that everything was alright. This wasn't the end of the world. They could face the reactions together and soon, the people would lose their interest anyway. It was always like this. They'd talk about them for a few weeks, not longer. Then, the next big scandal or whatever else would happen and they'd be entirely forgotten.
Steve hadn't been able to believe his partner. Because it was never like this. The internet didn't forget such things. The people also wouldn't. Because it was peculiar, a superhero being gay. They'd be on the news regularly, every time they did something big to save the world (or at least lots of people). And each time, the people would remember. It would never end.
Running away from everything had seemed like the best option. Surely, they would think that it was just a misunderstanding, if he and Tony weren't seen together again. If they kept their distance.
But right now, here in this small flat, all alone, Steve didn't feel like it had been the right thing to do at all. Because all he did was miss Tony like crazy. There was a constant ache in his chest, one that didn't come from physical pain.
It was too late, though. He'd left. He'd broken Tony's heart. And his own, too.
Now he had to face the consequences of his actions all on his own.
You might have laughed if I told you
You might have hidden your frown
You might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around
It's easier to leave than to be left behind
Leaving was never my proud
Leaving New York, never easy
I saw the light fading out
It was warm in the hospital room when Steve entered it. The sun shone through one of the windows, illuminating the room in a soft light. Outside, he could hear birds singing, nothing unusual in early spring.
Peggy was sitting upright on her bed, smiling at Steve when he got closer and held up the flowers he'd gotten her. It was still a surprise, seeing her as an old woman. In his thoughts, she was still young and determined to prove herself to the world. She had done just that. With founding SHIELD and making it as big as it was today. Just that Steve hadn't been there to watch. To help her, even. He'd missed all her life.
"What's troubling you?" She asked when she took in the expression on his face, her smile vanishing. Of course she knew that he'd run away from New York and from Tony. Steve never said anything about it when he first visited her a few weeks ago, but he also didn't need to. Peggy surely had heard about everything on the news and since she still knew him so well, she'd drawn her own conclusions. "You look horrible, Steve."
He tried to smile at her. Secretly, he suspected that it looked like a grimace. If Peggy noticed that, she didn't say anything about it. She just kept looking at him with concern on her face.
"Long mission." He said when he sat down on the uncomfortable plastic chair next to the bed. "We came back yesterday and honestly, the whole thing was a mess."
"Which is not what's troubling you." She threw in softly. "You've been like this ever since you first came here last month." He'd visited her before, but never so regularly. "Is it about Howard's son? You've spent so much time with him back in New York." He'd told her about him preferring men over women, but he'd never mentioned his relationship with Tony. Things had simply been too new and Steve didn't want to tell many people about it yet.
He sighed. "There's nothing you don't notice, Peggy."
She chuckled quietly. "I've spent my whole life being observant and learning to read people's expressions. Otherwise, I wouldn't have come so far. But your face has always been like an open book, Steve. You're heartbroken."
Inwardly, he cursed for never having learned to maintain a good pokerface. "I have made a big mistake. Something happened back in New York. Something I thought I could face with Tony by my side. But I got scared and ran away."
"You ran away because of what all those people wrote, didn't you?" Again, she didn't sound surprised. Only sad. "You got scared and left."
Again, all the shame and regret came crashing down on him. He felt like he couldn't breathe. "I thought it would make things better. But it didn't. Now I'm here, and Tony's still in New York. Or back in LA, or wherever he wishes to be. And I… I miss him, Peggy. He's everything to me and I hurt him so much."
"Why don't you just go back, then? I'm sure he'd forgive you, if everything you told me about him is true." He didn't realize that he'd talked about Tony so much during his past visits.
"I don't think he can forgive me." He argued, shaking his head. "I hurt him very badly. I didn't even say goodbye."
Peggy's expression was soft. "If you truly love someone, you forgive them everything. Especially when it was just a mistake. You got scared, Steve. Nothing else."
He swallowed. "But I'm still not sure if I can face all of this. The reactions. People judging us."
"Then don't. Keep it secret for as long as you need. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."
But it wasn't true. Steve still remembered the happy gleam in Tony's eyes when he'd announced that they could go on a date together. The excitement on his boyfriend's face. It wasn't that easy. Tony wouldn't just take him back, telling the world that what they'd seen was a misunderstanding. A mistake.
"He would, Peggy." He whispered quietly. "I know he would."
"Tony, you can't go on like this." Pepper said quietly, staring at him with crossed arms. "You've been locked inside this room for three days now, not even leaving to eat something! I know that you miss Steve, but starving yourself won't make anything better."
Tony looked at her with a frown. "Three days?" His voice sounded raw, most probably from the lack of usage. He cleared his throat. "It's been that long?"
Pepper sighed. "Yes, it's been three days since you announced that you just wanted to finish this one thing and would be back in a few hours. You really didn't notice?" She quirked an eyebrow then, something she was very good at.
He ran a hand through his already messy hair. "Honestly, no. I didn't notice." She was right, though. His throat felt dry, so probably he should get something to drink. His supplies of coffee and energy drinks had run out hours ago. Or longer than that? He also felt a little dizzy, he noticed when he stood up to have a better look at Pepper. Lack of sleep, maybe? Steve would have known. He'd also have gotten him out of here days ago, once he'd realized that Tony had forgotten the time once more.
Steve… He knew that the stabbing pain in his heart didn't come from the Arc reactor or the metal shards inside his body.
"Come on, let's go upstairs." Pepper said with a nod of her head. "Food is in the kitchen and then, you need sleep. We'll leave tomorrow."
"Leaving? Why? Where?" He asked, following her towards the elevator.
"We're going to Los Angeles." Her voice was calm when she said it. "There's a meeting at Stark Industries you need to attend. And it might also be good for you to get out of this city for a few days."
Leaving New York? He stopped in his tracks. "No. I can't just leave now, Pepper."
This time, she raised both her eyebrows, meaning he was moving on dangerous ground. "Why is that?"
"I've got important work to do." It sounded like a lame excuse, which it was.
"Tell me what you need and I'll have Happy get it onto our jet." She said simply. "Then you can continue to work at your house in Malibu."
The elevator had arrived and the doors opened soundlessly. Pepper stepped inside and he followed her reluctantly. "But what if he -" He stopped himself, not able to say the name.
Pepper's expression softened. "If Steve comes back?" This time, the cold tone in her voice was gone. Tony could only nod, his heart beating furiously in his chest. "JARVIS will know when he does, Tony. And then he'll inform you within seconds. And Bruce will also stay here, remember?"
He sighed deeply and leaned against the elevator wall. "I know that I'm not making any sense. He won't come back." The words felt like acid in his mouth. "No need to remind me of that."
Pepper looked like she wanted to protest, but in that moment, the doors opened again and Tony strode towards the kitchen. Once there, he grabbed the plate with the sandwiches and a bottle of water before heading back.
"Tony…" Pepper began, but he only shook his head, suddenly feeling incredibly tired.
"Not now, Pep. Let's talk about everything later."
She didn't argue, but simply let him leave.
He didn't get much sleep that night. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Steve walking away from him. Telling him that he wasn't enough. That it all wasn't worth it. Getting so much hate simply for being with Tony would never be worth it. He was rather alone than to face what it meant to be with the Tony Stark, of all people.
When he couldn't stand tossing and turning in bed any longer, Tony walked over to the window, looking at the lights of New York in front of him. He'd never really thought of the city as beautiful. It was crowded, with high buildings and even higher expectations. Only Steve had made him see the beauty in everything. He'd draw a street in Brooklyn and it wouldn't look old and dusty, but nostalgic. He'd sketch the Avengers Tower and it would be elegant, not tall and bulky. A too hot and crowded day in Central Park would look full of life and happiness in his pictures.
He'd always heard in his father's stories that Captain America hadn't just been a soldier, but also an artist. Seeing it, however, was something else entirely. It was true, Steve was amazing at drawing. He could capture every moment in perfect clarity, emphasizing certain qualities of it that the other people being there with him didn't even consider.
Tony missed those silent moments, when they'd go somewhere and he'd just watch Steve get lost in his own world, capturing their surroundings. He'd even made sketches of the Iron Man suit, something which had impressed Tony endlessly. The suit had looked beautiful then, and powerful. Something to be admired instead of just a tool to achieve his goals of helping people. He wasn't sure if Steve knew it, but he'd stolen one of those pictures and it was standing on his workbench now, in a silver frame.
While he stood there and looked at the city, Tony reached for his pocket and pulled out a worn piece of paper. It wasn't old, but he'd folded and unfolded it so many times, running with his fingers over the letters, that the material was already thin in places.
It was the letter Steve had left him before leaving the city.
Dear Tony,
I know that by now, you're surely wondering where I went, considering that we wanted to watch a movie together tonight. You don't need to worry, there's no new mission from SHIELD, so I'm not in trouble. However, I have left New York. I'm not sure where I'll be going, but I need some time for myself.
I thought I could face the world knowing of us. Of me being interested in men. With you by my side, I felt so sure that it would mean nothing, all the hateful comments. But in the end, it did mean everything. I can't stand being judged like this. People looking at me like I'm disgusting, someone who's worth less. You've told me so many times that it wouldn't matter, that those things stop with time.
I'm not so sure about it. Please understand that me leaving has nothing to do with you, Tony. These past months with you have been the best of my entire life. You're everything to me. I've never told you, and most probably it isn't right to do this in a letter, but I love you, Tony Stark. I love how brilliant you are, and funny, and how you always manage to make everything better. I love your smile and the way your eyes shine when you're happy. How you always find a solution to every problem. I love the way you make me feel, like I'm someone special, even if I still see the boy from Brooklyn when I look in the mirror. I love you, Tony, all your flaws included.
Please make sure that you're alright. Don't forget to eat. Get enough to drink when you're in the lab. Sleep is also important.
I hope that you don't hate me now. You'd never run away from your problems.
Believe me, I'd love to be with you openly. But not like this.
Forever yours,
Steve
Tony felt wetness on his cheeks after reading the letter for the thousandth time and wiped them away impatiently. He'd always thought that they would face everything together. They'd been such a good team, he'd never fitted with anyone like he did with Steve.
And now he was gone.
He'd run away because he was scared. Scared of all those people with their hateful comments. All those idiots who couldn't keep their opinion to themselves.
Tony felt the urge to smash something, but there wasn't much left. He'd already destroyed half the objects in the bedroom the day he'd discovered Steve's letter. So he just clenched his fists helplessly, careful to place the piece of paper on the bed first. He'd never forgive himself if something happened to the letter. After all, it was all that was left of Steve.
It would be so easy to find out where he was. Most probably, he'd gone to SHIELD and they'd gotten him a new apartment, like they'd done after freeing him from the ice. He'd take jobs for them regularly, maybe even with Natasha and Clint. Though they'd never tell Tony where he was, not if Steve didn't want it.
He wasn't even sure if he could break Steve's trust like that and just track him down. He'd left him for a reason. Being seen together again was surely the last thing he wanted.
So he just sat down on the bed again, trying to forget all the pain he was feeling. He'd never known that losing someone could hurt this much.
It took hours until he was finally able to get some sleep. With lots of nightmares, of course.
The flight to LA was long and quiet. Tony had been aware that Pepper was watching him from across the plane, but he didn't make any attempt to talk to her. The topic would be Steve at some point and he wasn't ready to talk about it. He was gone for six weeks now and it already felt like a lifetime.
Rhodey was waiting for them at the airport, smiling widely. "Tony, it's good to see you again!" His best friend exclaimed when he hugged him. He was wearing sunglasses, so Tony couldn't see his eyes, but he suspected that there was concern in them. Pepper must have told Rhodey about what happened. Otherwise, he would have met them later in the evening, not already here, where it was far too hot in the sun.
"Couldn't wait to see us, Rhodey?" He grinned at his best friend, hoping that it looked convincing. Tony was wearing sunglasses as well, so maybe it didn't look like a pained grimace.
"Never." Rhodey was still smiling when they walked to the car already waiting for them. "I just came from the opening of a new exhibition in the city. Model airplanes. Actually, I'm not sure why we were invited, because I spotted about two of our machines, but it was nice anyway."
"Maybe because men in uniform always make a good impression?" Pepper threw in suggestively.
Rhodey laughed. "You can't deny that I look good in this thing." He gestured at the uniform he was still wearing.
"And you're sweating like hell." Tony muttered dryly, though he didn't feel much better his black suit.
"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." His best friend sighed theatrically. "Don't tell me that you're feeling any better. You look like you're about to go to a funeral -" He stopped himself then, inhaling sharply. "Oh, shit, that's not what I meant -"
"It's fine." Tony cut in quickly. "I get it." By now, they'd reached the car and Tony pointedly sat down on the passenger seat next to Happy and not in the back. Pepper and Rhodey would be fine together for the drive to Malibu, he was sure of that. So he simply told Happy to turn up the volume of the radio and closed his eyes.
When they reached the house in Malibu, Tony went inside and locked himself in his room without a word. The others had already discussed what they should get for dinner, but he didn't care.
Once the door to the bedroom was shut behind him, he leaned against the wood and breathed a sigh of relief. He'd never minded being around many people, but at the moment, it always felt like too much. Too much noise, too many questions. It was exhausting.
After a quick shower, he got dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. His hair was still wet when he went downstairs, but he knew that it would dry quickly. For spring, it was unusually warm in LA. Pepper and Rhodey were already in the kitchen, a big box of pizza in front of them. It took Tony a moment to see that Happy was also with them, reading some kind of magazine while leaning on the counter.
"Are you feeling better again?" Pepper asked when he sat down next to her. She tried to hide it, but he could still see the worry in her eyes. When she held out a slice of pizza, Tony took it, mostly to make her feel better. He still wasn't hungry.
"I'm still not sure why we're here." He argued. "You could have gone to that meeting without me." He gave her a pointed look while saying that.
She sighed. "I'm CEO of Stark Industries, but you're still the owner. There are things even I can't decide without your consent." She gave him that annoyed look then, one that said we talked about this so many times before, why don't you simply accept it?
"What is it about now, then?" He raised his eyebrows.
"We're expanding." Pepper said simply.
"Sounds nice. Where to?"
"Canada."
He was impressed. "A completely new market, then."
Pepper rolled her eyes. "It was your idea, Tony." Now she definitely looked annoyed. "Remember that one gala we went to in Chicago last year? You made this plan back then."
"I did?" He stared at her, but when she only narrowed her eyes, he sighed. "Fine, so I did. It's a good idea. Great, even. When will it happen?"
"If you sign all the documents tomorrow, we can start planning everything. It will take time. Maybe two or three years." She said it casually, as if it was nothing. As if Tony couldn't build a new reactor within a few weeks. "You should really have a look at all the things that happen in your company. It's important."
He shook his head. "I trust you to handle things, Pep. And besides, I have other things to do."
"Like saving the world." Rhodey added, though it wasn't very helpful in this moment.
"Boys and superheroes." Pepper groaned. "Is that all you can think of?"
Rhodey glanced at Tony. He knew that normally, a witty comment would have followed now, something about it not being a surprise that Tony only thought of superheroes, after all, he was sharing his bed with one. But in this moment, only silence filled the room.
So they just sat there and ate their pizza, even if every bite felt like a challenge to Tony. After some time, they decided to watch a movie together, simply to enjoy the evening.
If Tony fell asleep halfway through and, for the first time in weeks, slept without nightmares, the others didn't comment on that.
Now life is sweet, and what it brings I tried to take
But loneliness, it wears me out, it lies in wait
And all not lost, still in my eye
Shadow of necklace across your thigh
I might've lived my life in a dream, but I swear, this is real
Memory fuses and shatters like glass
Mercurial future, forget the past
It's you, it's what I feel
"It was really nice to spend some time with you today." Sam Wilson, a guy Steve had met during his stay in Washington DC, said with a smile. "Maybe we could do that again some day."
Steve smiled. "I'd like that."
They'd met a few weeks ago, during Steve's daily running session in the city. Sam was also doing sports and when Steve had overtaken him for the third time, the other man had simply begun talking to him. They soon discovered that they had a lot in common and when Sam asked if Steve would like to accompany him to watch a football game, he'd accepted, glad to have something other to do in his free time than to run or stare at the blank wall of his small apartment in silence.
"Though I have to leave for a few days tomorrow."
Sam raised his eyebrows. "Another secret mission you're not allowed to talk about?"
He smiled slightly. "Something like that."
After they'd said goodbye, Steve made his way back to his flat. He refused call it home. He still felt no connection to that place, only that he was always miserable when he was inside these walls. So when he now opened the door to go inside, he expected to be greeted with the usual darkness and silence.
When he noticed that there was light in the living room and he could hear voices on the TV, Steve froze and reached for the first thing he could use as a weapon. His shield was safely secured in a hidden cupboard in the bedroom, so he took the old, heavy umbrella instead. It wasn't his own, the previous owner of the apartment had left it there for whatever reason and Steve couldn't bring himself to throw it away. Now that was his advantage.
He moved soundlessly along the wall in the hallway. It was only a short distance, the flat was very small, but for a few moments, it hid him from view. When he dared to glance around the corner, ready for an attack, he froze.
"Took you long enough to come home." A familiar voice said and the noise of the TV stopped.
"What are you doing here?" Steve demanded to know, the umbrella still in his hand.
"Visiting a friend. Something I should have done weeks ago. You look horrible, Steve."
He sighed. "It's good to see you too, Nat."
Natasha quirked an eyebrow when she noticed the object Steve was holding. "Did you want to use that as a weapon?"
Steve weighed the umbrella in his hands. "It's heavy, so it might have worked."
"But it also makes you slow." She said thoughtfully and he put it aside quickly, placing it next to the front door again. Maybe it would be useful, should he get another unexpected visitor.
"So what's this about?" He asked, leaning against the living room door. "Why the sudden visit?"
Natasha sighed. "As I said, I should have been here before. But I thought it might be good to give you some space. Let you think about everything." Her eyes narrowed. "Seems like I've been wrong. Clint told me all along that I was being stupid."
"It wasn't stupid." Steve threw in. "I needed time."
"Just that it didn't help, considering you're still here and Tony's not." Natasha looked around. "It looks very nice in here. Comfortable."
He rolled his eyes. "Nice try. So what do you want to hear? That I'm miserable? That I regret leaving?"
"You regret leaving, but you're also scared to go back." She deduced.
He sat down on one of the two armchairs and ran a hand through his hair. "What if he won't take me back, after what I did?"
"Tony would always take you back." Natasha's voice was soft. "You mean so much to him, Steve."
"I left him nothing but a letter. I ran away because I was afraid of being with him in the first place." He pointed out.
She shook her head. "You weren't afraid of being with him. But of what people say, that's different. You come from a time where things were much more difficult than today. It was dangerous to be with someone of the same sex. It takes time to come to terms with that. Tony knows that."
"He was so happy when I said I'd like to go on a date with him. He'd never agree to hide again."
"Wouldn't he?" Natasha didn't look convinced. "He loves you, Steve. There's nothing he wouldn't do for you." Her words sent a chill through Steve.
"I wouldn't be so sure of that." He muttered.
"He loves you enough to stay away. Or do you think he couldn't have found you the moment he realized you've left New York?" He had thought about that. If Tony knew where he was and what he was doing.
"I broke his heart." He whispered. And mine too, was what he didn't add. "I can't just go back."
Natasha frowned. "You also can't stay here forever. And I think you also hurt yourself more than you want to admit. When was the last time you've really eaten? Or had enough sleep?"
"I had some salad today." He tried half-heartedly, but she didn't return his weak smile.
"Tony's also miserable." She said suddenly, making Steve hold his breath. "I talked to Pepper the other day. He forgets to eat, rarely sleeps. Even some of his new inventions have gone wrong."
"They often do." He whispered, but it didn't sound very convincing.
"Fury has offered him a mission a few days ago." The expression on Nat's face was serious. "He needed help with some terrorists in the middle East. He'd accepted it without a second thought and came back injured."
That made Steve stare at her in horror. "He's been injured? On a mission for SHIELD? But he always refused to take those before!" In fact, Tony had said that he didn't want to be Fury's puppet, always jumping into action when it was required. "How is he?" He jumped to his feet then, beginning to walk through the room aimlessly.
"He's fine." Natasha stood up as well, touching Steve's arm carefully. "Only a few bruises, nothing serious. Something about a building crashing down. The suit prevented more damage."
His heart was beating furiously in his chest when he realized that Tony could have been dead by now and he wouldn't even know about it. "Natasha…" He whispered, not sure what he wanted to tell her himself.
"You don't have to worry. It was only a minor incident."
"If not for the suit -"
"He's alright, Steve. Back in Malibu, according to Pepper." Natasha's hand was still on Steve's arm.
He frowned. "Malibu? Not New York?"
She sighed. "Pepper made him leave a few weeks after you left. They thought it was good for him."
Slowly, he began to relax again, even if he could still picture it far too well in his mind. Tony, being injured. Fighting all on his own. It made him sick. "I've messed up everything."
"It will all be fine again." Natasha said quietly.
"But how?" He wanted to know. "I can't just go back!"
"You could." Natasha said. "But first, you have to leave your anxiety about all this behind." She held out her hand. "Give me your phone. Let's read some articles."
You might have laughed if I told you (it's pulling me apart)
You might have hidden your frown (change)
You might have succeeded in changing me (it's pulling me apart)
I might have been turned around (change)
It's easier to leave than to be left behind (it's pulling me apart)
Leaving was never my proud (change)
Leaving New York, never easy (it's pulling me apart)
I saw the light fading out
"No, absolutely not." Tony crossed his arms. "I won't go there, Pepper."
She glared at him. "You promised to accompany me to the gala weeks ago!"
"Yes, but that was before I got injured." He gestured at himself. "I can't even move without being in pain, there's no way I'll walk around in a ballroom all evening!"
"Then take something against the pain." Pepper was angry at him, he knew that.
Tony sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. "I'd like to see you dance with bruised rips." However, he stalked towards the kitchen to get some painkillers. "I hope you made sure that I have something to wear this evening!" He shouted over his shoulder.
"Your suit is already hanging in your bedroom." The sound of footsteps told him that Pepper had followed him to the kitchen. "It won't be so bad, Tony. Just a few hours of nice conversations and then it'll be over."
"You know I hate those events." He muttered darkly.
"We'll go back to New York in three days." She said soothingly. "Then, you can lock yourself inside your lab again and work there for hours without anyone disturbing you." But what if I want to be disturbed?, Tony thought. What if I miss someone scolding me for forgetting everything else? Someone with blond hair and brilliant blue eyes.
He sighed. "Fine, you win. But next time, you can go without me."
Pepper smiled. "Deal."
In the end, it turned out that the event was even worse than expected. Far too many people, of whom many wanted to talk to Tony about the news of him being with Steve Rogers. It seemed like it was all that mattered and for a moment, he realized why Steve had left. Why someone who cared about the people's opinion would find it horrible.
Tony, on the other hand, simply smiled at all of them and said that yes, he had been seen together with Captain America, but they were both part of the Avengers, weren't they? And couldn't go friends to a fancy restaurant together? To some, who were pushing him for information especially hard, he also said that they should mind their own business.
When he couldn't stand all the laughter and false smiles anymore, he made his way outside. Luckily, the building had a big balcony. Pepper found him there half an hour later, while he was looking up at the sky.
"I thought you ran away." She said, the sound of her high heels on the ground echoing through the silence outside.
"You know I wouldn't leave you." He muttered, still not looking at her. "After all, I promised to accompany you here."
Pepper sighed. "It can't go on like this, Tony. You're not yourself. You haven't been for months now. Ever since Steve left." The last words were barely a whisper, but they made him flinch anyway. They'd rarely spoken about Steve ever since he'd left.
"I'm fine." He muttered and clenched his fists. "Everything's fine."
"Don't lie to me." Her voice was still incredibly soft. "I know you miss him. That he hurt you so much with leaving. You love him, don't you?"
"Would it matter if I did?" He asked back, eyes on the sky. "He's gone, Pepper. It was his decision to run away from me."
"He didn't run from you, but from everything else. He ran from people like those inside this building." He'd never shown her the contents of the letter, only summarized it in short words.
He breathed in deeply. "I don't understand why he wouldn't talk to me. I thought we were a team. But instead, he just left. We could have faced all this together. And now don't say that he needs time, months have passed! He won't come back."
"So go to him." She said simply. "You can find him within seconds, if you don't have JARVIS observing all his actions anyway. It would be so easy."
"Nothing's that easy." Finally, he looked at her, feeling incredibly tired. "He wrote that he loves me. In the letter. We both never said it before he left. He didn't even give me a chance to say it back."
Pepper looked sad at his words. "Then it's about time you tell him how you feel."
"I don't think he loves me. He would have known what it does to me. Him running away. It kills me, Pepper. Not being able to do anything about it all." He felt a familiar wetness in his eyes and blinked away the tears. He'd cried often enough those past months. "I can't just run after him. What if he doesn't want me anymore? If he's decided that it's not worth it? That would definitely end me."
Pepper stepped closer to him and took his hands. They felt warm in contrast to his own. "You're definitely worth it, Tony. And you shouldn't give up like this. Keep fighting. You've been so happy with Steve."
"Until he ruined it all." He muttered with a sigh.
Just in that moment, the door to the balcony opened once more and a few people stepped outside, eyeing them curiously. Both Tony and Pepper took a step back, but the smug looks on their intruders' faces wouldn't go away. Tony knew what it had looked like and cursed inwardly. Luckily, no one had a camera to capture the moment.
Without saying anything, Tony stormed back inside. He knew that it was a stupid idea, considering that he'd taken far too many painkillers before leaving for the gala and that he didn't have a drink in months, but he definitely needed alcohol now.
You find it in your heart
It's pulling me apart
You find it in your heart
Change
Steve made his way back to his apartment, his legs feeling heavy. He'd just returned from a long mission and all he wanted to do was sleep. A week had passed since Natasha forced him to look through all the social media posts about his and Tony's appearance.
Yes, there were mean and pretty insulting ones, but what he didn't realize before was that they also got lots of support. Some comments had been very encouraging.
From: SuperHusbands2000 Don't let all the hate pull you down, let love win! xxx
From: Lokes4lyfe Haters gonna hate! Saving the world and saving love together, what a couple!
From: Jimmie After the invasion on New York, I knew they belong together! Such a powerful union, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
From: Teeena32542 Never hide who you are! It's totally ok to be gay, no reason to be ashamed. We're there for you!
Steve had smiled while reading them. After facing all the positive messages, he suddenly felt ridiculous for running away. There were always haters, no matter where. Captain America and his decisions were criticized endlessly and he never ran away. So why did Steve Rogers?
He'd wanted nothing more than to go straight to Tony and apologize for everything, despite that thought making him still a little sick. Because what if Tony didn't want him anymore, after everything he'd done? Unfortunately, Steve didn't get a chance to consider seeing Tony for long. Because another call came, this time from Director Fury. Captain America and Black Widow were needed on a very important and top secret mission in North Africa.
Not having a real choice about it, Steve had left together with Nat. The mission had taken them a week, days in which he always regretted not being able to talk to Tony. But he knew that he had to apologize in person, and besides cellphones weren't allowed on missions anyway.
Being back in his apartment now, Steve sat down in one of his armchairs and reached for said phone. He'd left it in the flat during his absence and when he turned on the device, he was surprised to find it ringing with incoming messages. Several of them.
Seven missed calls from Pepper and one text message. All from the past twelve hours.
Suddenly, all his wariness was forgotten and he felt wide awake. His hands began to shake when he thought of why she could be trying to contact him. Ever since he'd left, Pepper never called him. She talked to Natasha, yes. But not to Steve. Never to him.
He read the message first.
Please call me back, it's about Tony. – Pepper
Such a simple message and yet it made Steve shake with worry.
Before he could think about it any longer, he dialed Pepper's number and waited anxiously for her to accept the call. She answered after the second ring.
"Steve, thank you for calling me back." She sounded relieved, which let all his alarm bells ring.
"What happened, Pepper?" He said without greeting. "How's Tony?"
"You need to promise me not to freak out." She said, as if she wasn't aware that he'd freaked out the moment he saw her message. "Everything's fine. Well, mostly fine. But Steve –"
He interrupted her, not sure what to make of her rambling. Pepper was always so collected. What was going on? "How is he? Something must have happened, otherwise you wouldn't call."
Pepper sighed. "He's in the hospital. It's my fault. I forced him to go to a gala with me yesterday, while he was still recovering from the incident with SHIELD last week. People were talking and you know how he gets then. There was alcohol, that together with the painkillers…"
"But he's alright?" Steve's voice was barely a whisper. His heart was still racing. Alcohol. Ever since the encounter with Loki, Tony hadn't touched that. Did he start drinking again because of what Steve had done? He knew that the other man was working so hard on staying sober.
"Nothing serious, just a side-effect from the meds. He usually doesn't drink. Not anymore." Pepper hesitated. "He kept murmuring your name when they brought him to the hospital." In that moment, another person spoke to Pepper urgently. Steve couldn't hear what was being said, but he thought that the voice distantly sounded like Rhodey, Tony's best friend.
He didn't mind the short break in the conversation. His thoughts were running wild. Tony was in the hospital, most probably in Los Angeles. He was still in pain because of that mission he took for SHIELD. A mission he surely only agreed to because of Steve's absence. People had been talking at the party and he'd tried to drown all his sorrows in alcohol, a bad idea considering that he'd taken strong painkillers.
It was all Steve's fault. And he felt a strong urge to run to the airport and take the next plane to LA.
On the other end of the phone, Pepper was suddenly speaking loudly. "He did WHAT?!" She shrieked, nearly making Steve drop the phone in surprise. "But he can't leave the hospital yet! The doctor said he needs to stay over night!"
Steve froze then, realizing what had happened. "Pepper." He said, hoping to get her attention. However, she didn't seem to listen to him.
"Then tell Happy to bring him back! I know that he's always following Tony's orders, but it's about his health! What do you mean, they're already back in Malibu? Rhodey, that's not helpful at all!" Suddenly, she seemed to remember that she still had someone on the phone. "It looks like he's left the hospital, Steve. I'm sorry about that, Rhodey just stopped by to tell me the bad news."
He didn't let her speak any further, having made up his mind. "I'm on my way, Pepper." He said. "He's at his house in Malibu?" He wasn't sure where exactly the place was, but surely, he'd be able to find it.
"Let me know when your flight arrives, Happy will wait for you at the airport then." Pepper replied immediately, sounding relieved. "He really misses you, Steve."
He sighed. "I miss him too." More than words could explain.
When the call ended, Steve began to pack his things as fast as possible.
I told you forever (find it in your heart)
I love you forever (it's pulling me apart)
I told you I love you (find it in your heart)
I love you forever (change)
I told you forever (find it in your heart)
I love you forever (it's pulling me apart)
I told you I love you (find it in your heart)
I love you forever (change)
Happy was already waiting when Steve got out of the plane. Together, they waited for his luggage and only a short while later, they were on their way towards Malibu. Traffic was a nightmare, but Steve hadn't expected anything else, considering that the plane had landed at LAX. He was just happy that no one had recognized him, not in Washington DC and also not after landing in LA. Maybe the sunglasses together with a cap worked. Or people were just unobservant while traveling in the rush hours.
He and Happy didn't speak much. After hearing that Tony was fine and didn't know that Steve was on his way to see him, he'd gotten lost in his own thoughts. He was feeling anxious and the closer they travelled to Malibu, the stronger that feeling got.
What if Tony didn't want to see him? If he just sent him away again? Steve wasn't sure if he could stand it.
Sooner than expected, the car stopped in front of a big house close to the ocean. Steve immediately realized that this had to be Tony's house. The modern and yet elegant style fitted him perfectly and he suspected that from some of the windows, there was a beautiful view on the ocean. Sometimes, when he was lost in thoughts, Tony could stand in front of windows or on balconies for hours and simply look into the distance.
Happy only waited until Steve had left the car together with his bag before he drove off again, surely to give him and Tony some privacy. He wasn't sure whether it was such a good idea, but there was nothing he could do about it. He only hoped that Happy would drive him back to the city, should Tony decide that Steve wasn't worth his time anymore.
He walked towards the house slowly and only hesitated a short moment before he rang the doorbell. There wasn't any sound, but he suspected that Tony got a notification about it anyway. Most probably, this house was connected to JARVIS, just like the Tower in New York. After all, this was the place Tony had made all his inventions in the first place.
After a few minutes of waiting, the sound of footsteps on the other side of the door appeared, getting closer slowly. Almost reluctantly. And then the door opened and Tony stood there, blinking against the sunlight outside. "Pepper, I already told you on the phone that I'm fine -" Tony broke off his sentence when he realized who was standing in front of the door. Steve had already noticed that he was pale, but now it was getting even worse. In fact, Tony looked like he'd just seen a ghost. "You're not Pepper."
Steve swallowed. "No, I'm not." It was the most stupid thing to say in this moment, but right now, with Tony in front of him, it felt like he couldn't even form a correct sentence anymore. "But she called me."
Tony rolled his eyes. "Of course she did." He muttered and ran a hand through his hair. "What did she tell you to make you come here? That I was terribly ill? Maybe even dying?" He snorted. "As you see, I'm alright. So you can just leave again, Steve." He was about to close the door again and Steve reacted on instinct, getting hold of it and pushing back to keep it open.
"Tony." He said and knew that his voice sounded pleading. "I came here for you. To see you again."
"You have seen me." The genius argued, now sounding annoyed. "Now it's time for you to leave again, Steve. It's what you're good at, after all."
That hurt. More than he could ever explain. He sighed. "I know I fucked up. I shouldn't have left New York in the first place. It's something I regretted ever since walking away that day."
Tony looked surprised at his words. "Did you just swear, Steve?!" He asked incredulously. It was so typical for him, to focus on something like that.
He frowned. "Does that really matter right now?" He didn't try to hide his disbelief.
To his surprise, Tony stepped back, making way for him to come inside. "Since you won't leave before we spoke to each other anyway, we can also do that inside. Come on, otherwise you'll let in all the hot air."
So he followed the other man inside, trying to take in as much as possible from the interior of the house while Tony led him to what must be the living room. A big couch, an even bigger TV and a large window with a wonderful view on the ocean. So he'd been right with that assumption.
Instead of turning to him or sitting down on the couch, Tony walked to that window now. He was moving stiffly and Steve wondered if it was because of his injury. He was still taking painkillers, after all. With a silent sigh, Steve fought the urge to go over and demand to see Tony's injuries. He wouldn't want that anyway.
"You wanted to talk. So talk." Tony said, back turned to him. In this moment, Steve knew that he'd really fucked up. Tony wouldn't even look at him.
"I meant it when I said that I fucked up." He repeated the words he'd said earlier. "I freaked out when I saw all those reactions to us being on a date together. I've been so sure that it would mean nothing, that I could face all this with you by my side. But I was wrong. I can't even explain why I left in the first place. As if the people would stop talking just because we're not seen together anymore." He laughed dryly. "Back in the day, all the things they did to people like us… I know it's not like that anymore. However, all I could think of was how it would affect us. You. Me. Everything."
Steve sighed deeply and leaned against the couch. "It made everything even harder, being without you. SHIELD got me an apartment in Washington DC, but it's not home. It can never be home. Did you know that the first place that was really my home was the Tower in New York? I never felt like I belonged before. These past weeks without you, they've been like hell. I'm miserable without you, Tony. And all I can do is blame myself because it was my fault. I ruined everything."
His words were followed by a long silence. A silence in which Tony still looked out of the window, his shoulders tense. Did he believe the things Steve said? Or had he lost all trust in him? Steve wouldn't blame him if he did.
"You could have talked to me." Tony said in the end, breaking the silence. "We could have figured it out." He ran a hand through his hair again, something he always did when he was nervous. "Hell, Steve, I thought we were a team! When you just left…" He didn't finish his sentence and shook his head instead. "I didn't know what to do. I could track you down within minutes. Go after you to talk, but… you left." There was so much desperation in this one word that Steve couldn't help it, he walked closer to Tony and stopped when only a few feet were separating them. "I thought that maybe it would be a mistake, trying to confront you with it. You didn't go without a reason, after all."
"I was being a coward." He argued softly. "I considered coming back so many times. But I always thought that maybe you didn't want me anymore."
Finally, Tony turned around and their eyes met. Steve had tried to imagine it, during all those lonely nights. How Tony's eyes looked, the warm brown he could stare into for hours, the small wrinkles surrounding them. Right now, the usual warmth in Tony's eyes when he looked at Steve was missing. He looked weary and also sad. "You wrote that you love me, in your letter. Is it true?"
Too stunned to say something to that, he only nodded. "I love you more than words can say, Tony. I'm sorry for not telling you earlier."
"What you wrote… it was very sweet." Tony said after a while, his lips twitching.
"I meant every word." Steve replied seriously.
Again, a long silence followed. In the end, Tony sighed. "So what are we going to do now?"
Steve swallowed. "That depends."
"On what?" Tony frowned.
"If you're willing to give me another chance." He whispered. "I've looked at all those comments together with Natasha. What I didn't realize before is that there aren't just bad ones, but also those that are very encouraging. Yes, it bothers me that they talk so much shit about us, simply because we love whom we love. It's not right to judge people because of something like that. But those are just words. They mean nothing, if we don't give them the chance. I know that this is what you wanted to tell me all along. But Tony – wait, why are you laughing?" He stared at the man in front of him, who'd tried to hold back some kind of reaction during Steve's short speech.
Now Tony started to laugh, a nearly helpless sound that made Steve's heart skip a beat anyway. "You said shit, Steve." Tony muttered, still chuckling. "I never thought that I'd hear that. Like ever. You usually start scolding someone who even thinks of using such words."
He couldn't help it. After staring at Tony in bewilderment for a few seconds, he joined his laughter. "I'm telling you that I had a life-changing realization and you start laughing because I've used the word shit? You're unbelievable."
They both stopped laughing at that and looked at each other cautiously instead. You're unbelievable, Tony. How many times did Steve say those words during the months they'd been together? At some point, he'd lost count. There were always situations in which it could be said. When Tony did something stupid again. When he forgot the time in the lab and suddenly, he wasn't gone for two hours but twelve. When he suggested trying out crazy new restaurants after they returned from a mission, still in their armour and very often also covered in dirt.
"You have to admit that you never swore before, Cap." Tony was still smiling slightly, using the nickname he'd given Steve shortly after they'd started dating.
"That's not the point right now." He threw in mildly.
Tony nodded. "I'm glad that Nat made you look at all those things. I bet it was scary in the beginning."
"It was." He agreed. "But very soon, I understood that it couldn't hurt me. Not really. I let all those words destroy the one thing that was important to me. I've missed you so much, Tony."
"I've missed you too." Tony whispered. "It felt like you'd taken my heart with you when you left."
"Strange. For me, it felt like I'd left mine behind."
Tony sighed once more. "So how do we go on now?"
"It still depends." He repeated, feeling incredibly nervous. If Tony rejected him now… He refused to finish that thought.
To his surprise, Tony reached for something in the pocket of his jeans. It was a worn looking piece of paper. He unfolded it and handed it to Steve, revealing the letter he'd written. It looked like it had been folded and unfolded far too many times and the ink had even started to fade in parts. "Couldn't get rid of it." Tony muttered when he looked up at him in surprise. "It was all I had left from you."
"But why would you keep it?" He asked incredulously. "I wrote some terrible things."
"You also told me you loved me for the first time in that letter." Tony's voice was soft when he reminded him of that. "I love you too, Steve. You never gave me a chance to say it back."
The paper slipped from his hands then, landing on the floor soundlessly. He stared at the man in front of him. "You… You love…"
"You." Tony finished his sentence with a smile. "Yes. Took me some time to realize that, but once I did, it was all I could think of. I wanted to wait for the right moment to tell you. Maybe after a nice dinner, with lots of rose petals and candles." He shrugged, trying to let it look casual, but Steve could see the tension in his shoulders. In his whole posture. "But first you wanted to wait to go out together and then… You know how the story goes."
"When you mean I wanted to wait to go out first…?" He trailed off, but Tony seemed to understand what he was asking anyway.
"It hit me that I was in love with you after that horrible mission in New Mexico, followed by the worst movie night in history." Steve remembered that day very well. In fact, he wasn't sure if he could ever forget it.
"But that was only two months after we got together." He said when suddenly, the realization hit him.
Tony looked away quickly, but he noticed the blush on his cheeks anyway. "You're easy to love, Steve." Was all he said and then Steve couldn't stand it any longer.
He reached out to take Tony's hands carefully, afraid that the other man would pull back. But Tony didn't. Instead, he only looked at their entwined hands in amazement. As if he'd expected many things from Steve's visit, but not this. "I love you." He said again, relieved to finally be able to say the words out loud. "With all my heart. I'm so sorry I left you, Tony. And I swear that I'll never hurt you again. It was killing me to be away from you. And when I heard that you got injured… Every time you hurt, I'm hurting too. I wanted to come back so badly. I just didn't know how."
Tony swallowed thickly. "The night you left, I felt like I was drowning. I never thought that I'd love someone like this one day. Without you, I feel incomplete. Like an important part of me is missing, a part that I just can't get back on my own. I couldn't figure it out, why you left. We used to talk about everything, so why couldn't we just discuss it and be done with all those stupid morons who just wanted to insult people who are different? We've been through so much already."
"I'll never stop feeling guilty for leaving." Steve whispered. "It still haunts me in my dreams."
"Me too." Tony muttered. "I wasn't trying to get drunk yesterday, if that's what you've been asking yourself. It's just that people were talking and I was so annoyed and in pain –"
"You don't need to explain yourself. I get it." He interrupted him softly.
Tony quirked an eyebrow, something Steve had missed more than he wanted to admit. "What if I want to? I know you hate it when I drink. Let's just say that I wanted to forget everything for a while and all I could do at this stupid gala…" He shook his head. "I should have expected that it wouldn't end well with the meds. But I wasn't thinking. It felt like I couldn't really think all this time without you at all."
Steve smiled slightly. "We're both hopeless, aren't we?"
"Hopelessly in love, I hope." Tony threw in and Steve's heart skipped a beat at those words and the playful tone of his voice.
"That's undeniable."
"Come here." Tony whispered and then he closed the distance between them, pulling Steve closer for a kiss. It felt like their fist kiss all over again. Tony's lips were a little dry, but still incredibly soft and warm. And he was a skilled kisser, something Steve would never get used to. It still amazed him how Tony was able to put so many emotions in such a simple act as kissing. Right now, he could feel how much the other man had missed him, and how he loved him. There was also a hint of passion, but it was drowned by far too many other emotions.
Steve could only told onto Tony's shoulders and kiss him back desperately. He felt tears in his eyes and on his cheeks, but in this moment, he didn't care. Not now that he finally had Tony back in his arms. He tried to be careful when he wrapped his arms around the other man's shoulders, remembering that he was injured, and when Tony gasped quietly at Steve's movements, he knew that it wasn't from pain.
At some point, they both seemed to remember that they needed air and pulled back reluctantly. Only then did Steve realize that Tony was crying as well. He lifted one hand carefully and wiped away his tears. "Don't cry, please."
"These are happy tears." Tony said simply and pulled him closer for yet another kiss. This time, however, it didn't last long. "I love you, Steve Rogers. And I'm glad you came back to me."
"I would have come last week, but something got in between." He admitted quietly.
"Another mission for SHIELD?" Tony asked, though he didn't look surprised. "Tell me everything about it."
He chuckled. "You know that I'm not allowed to do that."
"Then I'll just have JARVIS hack into their servers to –"
"Alright, you win." Steve gave in with a laugh. "But only if we'll get something to eat first. And maybe some sleep. You look terrible, Tony."
"That's the most sexy thing someone said to me in a long time." The genius teased and made his way towards the kitchen. "JARVIS, we need pizza. Our usual order. Oh and tell Pepper and Rhodey that they don't have to come and check on me this evening. I'm fine on my own."
"As you wish, Sir." JARVIS replied immediately.
"I wouldn't mind your friends visiting." Steve through in while he followed Tony. "Though I'm sure that they're both mad at me."
"Nonsense." Tony was already rummaging through some cupboards. "They'll be happy for us that everything's fine again. They can come tomorrow. Or the day after that. Maybe we should stay in bed tomorrow." He looked at him suggestively then, making Steve blush. He loved what they did in the bedroom, but he still wasn't used to Tony talking about it so openly.
"Tony!" He scolded him, but the genius only laughed.
"Come on, you started swearing. So why not also talking about -"
"If you continue that sentence, I won't get into bed with you at all. I'm sure this house has lots of guest bedrooms." He said warningly.
It had the desired effect. Tony shut his mouth instantly. "Fine. You win." He crossed the room again and pulled him into another kiss. Steve let him, for the first time in weeks able to fully relax. From the way Tony sighed happily, he suspected that his partner felt the same.
They stayed like this, kissing until JARVIS announced that their food had arrived.