Eric
I force myself not to be too much in my head while we're eating and watching the first of the movies I picked up. I originally wasn't planning on watching this with her tonight. I have it and a few others for us to watch when the final stage is over.
Kat agreed to spending that small amount of free time with me, so I've been slowly gathering things and making plans. This movie seemed like a good choice at the time.
I remembered her telling me how her mom had read the book to them and then when they got old enough to be able to do so…they would read it to each other or take turns in acting out various scenes they loved. She had such a wistful happy expression when she was telling me about that. There was a spark in her eyes that had been slowly dimming ever since fear sims started and I just wanted to do something to try and bring it back.
Now I'm wondering if it was the wrong move because despite the soft smile on her lips, I can see tears shimmering in her eyes. Then she leans forward and puts her mostly empty bowl on the coffee table. I do the same and when we sit back, she slides even closer to my side…but not close enough for my liking.
She smiles and laughs lightly at me when I scoop her up and put her in my lap. I arrange her so she's slightly angled, where her back is partly against the arm of the couch and her other side is against my chest. One of my arms is around her waist, holding her, while I use the other to lace our hands together.
She turns her head and nuzzles her nose against me, taking a deep breath in then letting out a long sigh. "This is nice." She mumbles, barely loud enough for me to hear her.
"I'm glad you're liking the movie." I tell her honestly.
"The movie is nice, but it isn't what I was talking about. Not really." She replies and tilts her head back to look up at me. "It's being here with you watching it together."
"Yeah, it is." I agree with my own sigh.
She doesn't seem to have anything else to say, she just relaxes even more in my arms, and I do too as we resume watching the movie.
I'm not sure if Kat had to work as hard as I was at keeping my thoughts at bay. It's honestly a fucking miracle I've done as well as I have since I got the phone call from Chase giving me a heads up something had happened.
Being told that I wouldn't be getting any details had severely tested me, I admit. It turns out that Chase was right to ask me to wait and give Kat a chance. My brother was insistent that he believed she would tell me what happened today, even if I hadn't been so sure of it myself. I walked into the apartment on the edge of being ready to go battle if I had to in order to finally get answers out of her.
Then I found her in bed asleep.
Even though Zach had given her meds along with a low dose of calming serum in her tea, she was still whimpering in her sleep. Seeing her like that…I made the decision then I wouldn't be the one to pressure her. If she really was going to talk to me, then she had to be the one to initiate the discussion.
Every second that the movie rolls on with us together like this, I lose more and more of the desire to disrupt things as they are right now.
*****Worth Fighting For*****
The credits are almost at an end and still she hasn't given me any signs that she is going to talk…until she takes a breath and lets it out slowly before saying. "Eric…before we talk about what happened today…I need to tell you something."
I tense, both in surprise and wariness. What else would she need to tell me that could have that worry ringing in her voice? What could worry her more than whatever was revealed today, something that apparently is likely enough on its own to put Marcus down?
"What would that be?" I ask flatly.
She tenses a little in my arms and sighs then goes quiet for long enough that I start to think she's changed her mind. But then she turns until she's facing me more fully and looks at me with determined but wary eyes.
"I need to tell you something that I've been keeping from you about Four."
All traces of the relaxed state I was in disappear and I instantly go on alert. Dark images and thoughts start raging through my mind and before I realize I'm doing it, I'm up on my feet and looking down at her.
"If you're about to confess about you and number boy, you can save it. I've already had my doubts." I tell her with a sneer, then cross my arms over my chest.
A look flashes in her eyes, one of surprise and hurt mixed together before firming into anger. Then she shakes her head, swings her legs off the couch and stands.
"This was a mistake." She mutters and moves to push past me. "I'm leaving."
Panic. That's all I feel. Both at her words and at the look in her eyes, the one that told me I've fucked up again. I let my fear of her possibly wanting him talk for me and lashed out…and now whatever chance she had of opening up to me ever again may have just closed off forever.
"You're not going anywhere, Kat. We need to talk about this." I reach out for her, grabbing her arm and spinning her back towards me.
"The hell I'm not." She spits out and tries to jerk her arm out of my grasp. "You can't keep me here if I don't want to be. And don't give me that shit about not being able to leave because of Max's orders, at this point I would rather be at the clinic."
"You don't want to be with me?" I ask her searchingly.
"Don't twist my words, Eric. I said you can't keep me here if I want to leave right now." She replies exasperatedly while rolling her eyes.
"Don't, Kat." I reply with a ragged sigh, letting her arm go and instead reach out to grab her by the hips and pull her closer to me. "Don't walk away right now. Yell at me or…curse me out…hell, throw shit at me if you want. Or don't do any of that…you can just be here angry and quiet if you're worried about what you might say. I'll understand either way. Just don't walk away from me again."
She doesn't try to move away from my arms but it seems to take forever before she looks up at me. When she does her eyes are fully of fiery determination. It's fierce enough that I flinch just a bit when she reaches up to put her hands to the sides of my face.
"Eric, do you remember in your office when we had that conversation about your past…how you told me that you only wanted to have it with me that once?"
"Yeah," I grit out with a nod. My heart in my throat and those dark thoughts swirling ever closer to the surface just itching for me to release them.
"The same thing applies here when it comes to the topic of me and Tobias. I am not sure if your issues with him are getting tangled up with me having a past relationship with him and making this harder for you to accept. So I am going to say this one final time. I never was, nor have I ever wanted to be in a romantic relationship with Four. Even before everything went to hell between us, I knew I didn't see him as anything other than a best friend or an annoying big brother. And…I know the story I told about him kissing me might have made it seem like he had feelings for me in that way, I guess the way he behaves it would be easy to assume that he might still feel that way in that case. But he doesn't and he never felt that way either. I know he tried to say that was what that kiss was about…but it wasn't."
A little of the tension leaves me at her words and the conviction of them. I do at least now believe that she definitely doesn't feel that, but it is hard for me to believe that anyone would do something like that unless they actually wanted to.
"Then what was it about?" I ask her softly, betraying my confusion.
"I think that it was actually about a combination of things. I know he was feeling guilty about what happened with his dad and how things ended the last time we saw each other. But I also know that after what his dad insinuated that it made him confuse the connection we had as friends. He didn't really feel more than that, but I'm almost certain that he believed he should. Because in his mind he questions why would he care so much about me if he didn't feel that way? He never had anything to compare it to with his dad being who he is and no friends before me to speak of. But I had my parents to look at, I saw the way they were together, and I knew that was never going to be me and Tobias."
The more she's speaking, the more my disbelief is eased but not all of it, and it clearly frustrates her.
"I don't know what it will take for you to accept what I'm telling you, Eric. I know given everything that's happened it's hard for you to accept the fact that even now I hope to one day be friends with him again, but I can't apologize for wanting that. Especially since it isn't just about my relationship with him." She pauses and looks at me, worrying about her bottom lip and looking hesitant to go on before she finally does. "It's also important to me because of his relationship with my sister."
It takes a moment for what she's said to hit me, but when it does I can't help but grab her by the shoulders and demand she repeat what she just said.
"That I hope I can be on good terms again with him for her sake." She admits.
"You know? All this time….you fucking knew?" I rasp at her incredulously.
"Of course I…" She starts off then frowns and pushes away from. "Wait…how do you know about them?"
I can't help it, I throw my hands in the air. "Because it's my fucking job to know, Kat!" I start to pace and huff as I think about how twisted up I've felt since finding out about Tris and Four. Worrying about how she was going to take the news. Was she going to feel angry or betrayed? Would she feel jealous of her sister or regret she made the wrong choice when she picked me?
All of that worry and it was all for nothing because she already knew…but for how long?
"How long have you known?" I ask, spinning back to face her.
"You answer my question first. How did you know about them?" She sasses back with her arms crossed over her chest.
"Like I said, Kat, it's my fucking job to know what my initiates are up to and when they keep disappearing is even more important. Especially with everything going on, we needed to know where she was going and why. Imagine our fucking surprise when she was spending so much time with Four, even being spotted coming in and out of his apartment."
"Oh shit." She breathes out worriedly. "I hadn't thought about that. I guess I just thought he would be a lot more careful than to let them be seen. What was he thinking?" She mutters in irritation.
I snort and roll my eyes then growl in frustration, knowing I'm not about to get my answers from Kat until I ease her obvious worry about her sister and four's stupidity. "He made sure they weren't caught by the normal surveillance but you forget who heads up the control department, kitten. I made a promise to you about keeping your sister safe, so we used what we had to find out what they were up to."
It's quiet while she processes this but I need to get us back on track. She nods after I ask her if that makes her a little better. "I do, Eric, and thank you."
"Don't thank me. Just tell me how long you've known about them and why you wouldn't have told me before now?" I demand, trying not to sound as angry as I am starting to feel.
She eyes me for a second at my tone, then she moves to sit calmly on the couch. Once she's settled in she breathes out in a huff and shrugs tiredly.
"I've known about them since they first ran into each other about two years ago." I narrow my eyes at her choice of wording and push down my surprise from hearing they've been involved for so long. But what she says next fucking floors me.
"Not that either of them told me or that I've told either of them I know. Well, Four knows now but only because I've basically had to threaten him to finally tell my sister who he really is."
"Who he really is? What the..." I exclaim before it hits me what she means. "Do you mean to tell me your sister doesn't know he's Tobias Eaton?" I ask dumbfounded.
She nods slightly, biting her lower lip. "I mean…now she knows because I forced him to finally tell her about that and he actually listened for once."
"Kat, how is that even fucking possible? You were in the same faction…your dads worked together!" I demand, going to sit by her as she slumps into the couch even more and looking more dejected by the second.
"After what happened with his mom, very few people in the faction had any interaction with him and those that did were mostly adults. My dad had seen him here and there but not for any real length of time. I was the only one he'd had any direct or prolonged contact with in years. Once he left Abnegation he changed enough that anyone that had known him back then wouldn't recognize him. He's also always found ways to kind of just disappear into the background. I mean…he went to school with you and was even in some of the same classes but did you know who he was before being in initiation together?"
I shake my head and admit. "No. I knew Marcus Eaton's son was in my year and had been asked to find out about him from time to time but until the choosing I had never actually seen him."
Kat gives me an odd look at what I admitted. But instead of questioning me further about why I would have been asked to find out about Eaton even before transferring, she just shakes her head.
"Well, there you go." She says with a shrug. "As far as how or why my sister didn't know about him until just recently, she met him well after he'd been out of Abnegation. It was a chance meeting when he was on Patrol near the hub. From what I understand he helped her during a tense moment with a factionless man who was trying to take all the food she was handing out. After that meeting he accidentally on purpose repeated the meeting and I guess it just went from there." She finishes tiredly.
I narrow my eyes and look at her, studying her body language. She doesn't seem jealous about her sister and Four, if anything she seems to be sad and worried about something. It takes me a second or two to put things together but then I do.
"Kitten, did anyone besides the elders and your dad know about that shit with Marcus and Four?"
Kat doesn't respond right away. She just seems to shrink in on herself. Which of course just about kills me since I can't do a fucking thing to stop it other than try and comfort her. So I scoot her into my lap and wrap her in my arms until she's ready to talk more.
She looks up at me with misty eyes and shakes her head. "No, no one else besides my parents and a few of the elders knew anything. The rest of the faction was only told I did something bad and it made the elders mad. It was forbidden for the elders or anyone to mention Tobias after he left, but only because they were trying to protect Marcus and his reputation. They didn't care about how it affected me. In fact I am pretty sure they let just enough slip about me because soon after there were rumors about other things, whispers I had been caught with a boy or something like that."
"You know, this isn't helping your case in keeping me from tossing him into the Chasm right?" I growl out angrily and sigh when she flinches a little. "It's already hard to handle knowing what he's done to you in the past, much less what I suspect occurred because of that, but his cowardice is coming between you and your sister..." I trail off. Not able to ground out another word without the danger of losing my shit in anger.
Because even now I knew without a fucking doubt Kat would still defend him!
She must sense I'm close to the edge because for a bit she doesn't say anything. It takes me looking at her and practically ordering her with my eyes to say what I know she's been holding in.
"I'm not trying to make excuses for him," She starts out softly, and I can't help it, but I snort and roll my eyes because that's exactly what she's trying to do.
She huffs and glares at me, then continues on when she sees I'm making no further comments. "I'm not trying to excuse him for what he did or even deny that our past will put a strain on the relationship with Tris. I know it will." She whispers with tears shining in her eyes. "But it's already strained, Eric, because I've let it get that way. I had good intentions…thought I was doing the right thing. I was trying to protect her, just like she's always tried to protect me."
I feel the shift in the air, in the way her body tenses and tries to curl in on itself even more while she's in my arms. I see it in her eyes that we're getting to the things she's kept back from me all this time. I also fully realize that it isn't just me she's been trying to keep in the dark, but she's also been trying to keep herself there too.
"My sister broke her leg when she was a little over four years old and it was all my fault." She whispers into the silence, her eyes unfocused and like she's looking into the past. "I was three years old at the time. We were playing in a field in the Abnegation sector. We didn't know it then, but the field was on top of a basement to a home that had been torn down long ago. A hole had opened up into the basement and no one noticed, not until I found it. I didn't tell anyone. I was too curious and excited to look and see what was in the dark hole in the ground…and I fell in."
She stops and looks at me when my reaction to her story is to tighten my hold on her. "I don't remember a lot about that day to be honest. But I do remember how dark it was, how cold the ground was and how much pain I was in. I remember hearing my mom's voice and then my sister's. I called out for them. I couldn't say my sister's name properly…so I just kept calling for BeeBee asking her to help me while our mom was trying to gather others to get me out. I was hurting and scared and alone…until I wasn't. Because my sister came to me. While all the adults were trying to plan how to get me out, Tris decided she couldn't let me be there all by myself. Before anyone could stop her, she jumped in after me. She didn't think about what would happen to her, that she might get hurt or be in trouble…and she didn't hesitate to do what she needed to do to help me."
She looks at me with a smile and tears shining in her eyes. "She was always there for me, Eric. I knew if she suspected anything at all that she would do the same thing all over again. I couldn't let that happen, so I pushed her away. Now there are all these secrets I've kept, all this space I've put between us over the years and it feels like a great big canyon that I might never be able to cross again."
I take my time and mull over what I'm going to say. I won't lie to her and tell her everything will just magically be okay between her and Tris, because it won't. But I do know from what I've seen myself that her sister is still just as protective as she apparently was when she was still a child.
"I'm not going to lie to you, kitten, it might not be easy to repair things with her. I don't know what you felt you had to protect her from, though again, I have my suspicions. But I can tell you that from what I've seen, she's just as fiercely protective of you as you are of her. I think the fact that she couldn't protect you will hurt and worry her more than anything when she does find out whatever it is you've been keeping from her. "
She nods with a sniff at my words and lays her head on my shoulder. "I know I've hurt you too and I know you don't want me to say I'm sorry again, but I am, Eric. I was telling you the truth when I said I was having trouble accepting the things that have happened, or trying to find a way to put them into words and even talking about it at all. All that is true, but it was more than that. I was afraid to talk about it with you, not because I'm afraid of you. I know you're not gong to hurt me…."
There's a pause and I know she's sounding out what she needs to say next in her head, but I don't need her to. I already know the biggest reason she hasn't wanted to tell me about her past.
"You're not afraid of me hurting you, but you are afraid I will hurt those that have let you be hurt." I state flatly. "Because you're not stupid and you know there's no way I'm just going to let anyone get away with that shit no matter who they are to you. I can't be anyone other than who I am, Kat. So, I'm not going to make promises I can't keep. I know there are people you want to protect and I will try and keep that in mind. However, if I feel they deserve it, and I get the opportunity, I will make whoever has hurt you suffer in the worst ways I have at my disposal."
She gives a little nod of acceptance and sighs out. "That's more than I expected actually."
I reach out and tilt her head up then brush my lips against hers before kissing her softly but I don't do more than that. I don't give either of us more time to stall or talk ourselves out of this and bring us back to what needs to be done.
"I know that it will be hard for you to talk about what happened in your fear sim, so if it makes it a little easier for you, I can watch it by myself and then we can talk about it after."
I stroke her cheek and the side of her face as she debates for a minute or so. Then she nods. "I agree that you should watch the fear instead of me just trying to tell you about it. But I think I should watch it with you."
"Okay," I agree softly. "We can do that. Just let me call Chase and have him send over the footage for us to watch on the laptop."
We both hesitate to move for a second. I can see the mix of emotions in her eyes. This is a big step for us and we know it. I need to know what's happened but at the same time…I'll be honest… not knowing what I'm about to see or hear from her tonight, it fucking terrifies me.
I lean in and press my lips to her forehead, breathing her in. "I promise you, Kat, we're going to get through this together."
***** Worth Fighting For *****
Watching the fear sim was much worse than I expected, mainly because I knew it was mostly memory. I dreaded having to ask Kat what parts were real and barely held my shit together when she told me everything but her sister being there actually happened.
I didn't have time to react to that, because then the flood gates opened and it all came spilling out of her. I had to stop her just to reminder her to breathe. It was like she was afraid if she did stop then she wouldn't be able to continue.
The entire time, she was sobbing. I don't know why the hell I thought hearing all this would make this feeling of helplessness go away.
Because it hadn't. At all.
My hands are still just as tied right now as they were before I knew all the details. Going after Marcus outside of the proper channels and putting him down myself would feel fantastic but it would cause several complications and issues within the city. Plus I know that Kat deserves to have true justice for what he did, and for that to happen her old faction needs to know and possibly be punished for what they allowed.
So he's out.
Then there's Four.
Fucking number boy.
Even in her pain, sobbing and clinging to me, she tried to defend him again. Telling me what he told her about why he went along with his dad. And I guess I do see her point that at the time he was doing the only thing someone in his position could do to protect her.
Marcus had the power and all the legal backing behind him while he was just a dependent with known issues.
So yeah, fine…I can accept that.
But after he came to Dauntless there were chances he had to come forward with the truth and he didn't take them. He didn't try to do one damn thing to check on Kat and make sure his fuck of a father kept his promise. And why didn't he? Because he knew deep down Marcus wasn't going to keep that promise and if he checked into it he would have to face that truth.
It makes my disgust and resentment of him start to turn into real and vivid hate for him. Again I can't do shit to or about him. Not if I don't want to hurt Kat even more. So he is out too.
I have no outlet for the rage and hurt I am feeling and it is pissing me off. I can't let it show though. I can't let my own feelings come into this when she needs me so bad. So I held her and let her talk.
From what I gather when she is telling me everything...she is telling me everything. Things she hasn't even told Zach. That she has never told anyone before. By the end of it I am able to push the rage back and sit in awe at the person that has, for some unknown reason. decided I am the one she wants to be with.
I just can't even fathom it.
What she's been through and done makes what happened to me and my parents pale in comparison. Yet here she is, radiant even in her pain and hurt. Wounded and somewhat broken but she was able to turn all of that into a strength that shouldn't be possible.
I haven't said a word or asked a question for at least an hour. I let her talk, and then when she stopped talking but continued crying, I let her do that too. When she has been quiet for at least several minutes I silently stand with her in my arms and carry her to the bed.
I get her settled in there, making sure she has water and giving her a few pills when she softly tells me her head is hurting a bit. She watches me quietly as I move around the room getting ready for bed myself and setting things out for both of us for tomorrow.
I don't really trust myself to speak just yet, and I'm still processing everything she's told me. Maybe I should be ashamed that part of what I'm doing is going over things in my mind and figuring out ways I can use them in my objectives.
But I'm not, not even a little bit because those objectives are all centered around keeping Kat safe, and making anyone who hurt her pay.
When I slip into bed, I'm just in my box briefs. When she saw this she hurriedly started to strip but I told her to keep her underwear on. She pouted a little but stopped when I pulled her tight against me. I think she understood then what I was wanting…needing really…and that was to have her as close to me as I could get with as little between us as possible.
We both let out long and deep sighs as we sink into the bed and each other. She lays her head on my chest and I start to run my hand through her hair. We lay like that for a few more minutes before I felt like I could talk.
One of the things I was trying to process was how I could show Kat what her opening up to me meant. Then I realized that what I needed to do was to finally do the same with her.
"Do you remember that one time you asked me about Erudite, and if I had left anyone behind there? If I had family or other people important to me before I transferred?" She nods and glances up at me. "Well, there wasn't anyone for me to regret leaving behind by the time I transferred."
I stop when she moves and I adjust myself along with her so she can face me like she wants to but I can still have her as close as I need. Our legs are tangled together and she has one arm over my body with her hand resting right over my heart. She's looking up at me with those beautiful eyes, just waiting for me to go on.
It feels like she's encouraging me to continue on, while silently telling me that I can share as much or as little as I can.
I take a breath and cover her hand with my own. "My parents were taken from me about three years before my choosing. They had already known I was going to be coming to Dauntless, and supported that decision. Dad even helped me start preparing because he knew I wanted to be and do my best. But when it happened, when they were killed, things shifted for me. My drive and motivations were all centered around my anger at how and why they were taken from me."
"Zach mentioned that you three bonded over having something similar happen to each of you?" She questions softly.
At one time I had been afraid to allow her to be told about anything from our pasts because I was so sure she would only blame herself, and I was right. She did blame herself at first when Zach went against what we decided and told her about his sister. But now I think it will hurt her, or that she'll feel more hurt for me, than she will blame herself.
I think that day in the training room just after Zach told her about Bethany and she started to see where the real blame should be placed. Something I've really just fully started to understand after believing the lies I've been fed for so long.
I nod and tighten my hand over hers. "Yeah. The details aren't the same but we all had someone taken from us, or as good as taken from us, by all the decisions regarding the factionless over the years. Though, the vote to remove the Dauntless from patrolling the factionless and Abnegation sectors wasn't what caused what happened to them. There were other restrictions put in place or lifted that I believe had they not been changed then my parents might still be with me."
I closed my eyes at the pain and anger, remembering that day and the weeks that followed when my father fought for his life only to fade after waking for a short time and being told his wife had died.
I only open my eyes again when I feel her moving and shifting up higher until she's somehow gotten me positioned against her chest, cradling my head against her heart as she starts to run a hand through my hair. A bit startled and feeling slightly awkward by the gesture I look up at her to see her smiling softly at me. The feeling of her massaging my scalp and the press of her soft flesh against me has me giving in and closing my eyes with a sigh.
"Can you tell me about them? I mean, what were they like?" She asks me softly, encouraging me to talk about them again but in a completely different way than I thought she would want to go. Honestly though, it shouldn't surprise me that Kat would focus on the good, how they lived, rather than how they died.
She gave me the time I needed to gather myself. I've never really talked about my parents. Not even with Chase and Zach. They knew how they died and what happened after they died, but I hadn't ever talked about life with them or who they were.
But with her I wanted to try.
"They…they were amazing people and parents." I start out slowly then with a smile on my face as I let all the good memories come forward for the first time in a long time. "I know it's probably going to shock you considering how I am now, but they were truly loving parents."
Her lips brush over my temple when she leans down and shakes her head slightly. "Not so shocking."
I shrug in disbelief but don't bother to disagree. "They were older than normal when I came along. Actually they were older than most Erudite's find acceptable. My mom was just in her forties and my dad was nine years older than her. They had another child, my older brother, and he turned sixteen when I was almost a year old."
"You have an older brother?" She asks in surprise then she seems to remember that I've mentioned him briefly only once before and narrows her eyes. "He stayed in Erudite?"
"Yeah, he stayed." I growl out the answer.
"But you don't get along." She states simply, picking up on the shift in me when Damien is brought up.
I sigh and release the anger I felt simmering at the surface. "That's an understatement. I'll tell you more about him later, I just don't want to talk about all that right now." I promise her, not wanting her to think I'm trying to keep anything from her.
I realized that is a topic better saved for later. My brother is directly responsible for my involvement with Jeanine and why I was trained as a divergent hunter as well as a few other things that I've come to realize now that I've opened my eyes to them.
Kat just nods against my skin and continues to run her fingers through my hair or massage my scalp.
"My parents always told me how badly they wanted me. They tried for years, never giving up until finally I was born. They went through all kinds of treatments and lost pregnancies before they turned towards having a surrogate. Damien used to love to use that against me, telling me how much they both, but especially mom, went through. But they never allowed me to feel like a burden or that any of it had been my fault. They weren't at all like most parents in Erudite and I think some of that was due to their age when I came along. From what I understand they never neglected my brother but they weren't able to spend as much time with him as they did me because they weren't focused on their careers as much as they had been before when he was younger. They preferred to stay in…either at home or doing things of a more studious and sedate nature. At some point though, I started to want more physical activities and they were just as supportive of that. Encouraging even. They were honestly like your parents, not exactly overly affectionate and preferred hugs or other small touches, but they showed me they loved me in other ways. Like when I confessed to my dad when I was eight years old that I would be going to Dauntless. Instead of getting angry or trying to talk me out of it, he came home one day with the Dauntless manual and sat down with me to go over it."
"They sound amazing. I wish I had gotten to meet them." She whispers after I've been in silent reflection for several minutes.
"I wish you could have met them too, kitten. They would have really liked you." I agree softly with a wry grin as I think about how much they would love Kat.
No matter how hesitant I had been to talk about my parents, once I got started I couldn't stop. First, I just talked about them. How brilliant they were and how the elite of Erudite were always trying to get them in their circle. They never had any interest in that, which pissed Damien off to no end. I told her about how good of a team they made when they worked together and some of the projects they completed with my dad focusing on the development and technology and mom implementing them to help with the quality of life for the city.
I couldn't help the pride in my voice when I told her about how my parents had gotten Amity to stop relying on wood for heating sources, candles for lights, and going without power in general. They had developed and used techniques to use the natural resources at their disposal. Wind, sun, water and even using synthetic logs instead of spending resources in cutting down trees to use.
I remember how proud I felt at the time when they told me they were asked by the city council to do something of the same for Abnegation. Plans they never got to see through though.
They were heading into Amity a final time before they would move onto the other faction when they group of cars there were in were ambushed. I was never able to get all the details about what happened, but it was clear they were there for the supplies the caravan had.
The factionless hadn't been content to just take all those supplies and even the vehicles, but they had to leave my parents and a few others who had been with them beaten and left for dead.
Then, despite my saying I didn't want to talk about my brother and Jeanine, I couldn't help it and ended up telling her more about that.
I told her about how my resentment and anger at the factionless and Abnegation were fierce but I had also included Amity in this for the simple fact that my parents had been killed by trying to help them. My brother had delighted in pointing out that Amity had done nothing to try and help bring justice for the people that have saved so many of them from living like animals.
I also told her what Damien would say about them, that it was their own fault for going out of their way to try and help people that wouldn't lift a finger to fight for themselves or the people that had done so much for them. He made sure to stress to me as often as possible how much worse it was because my parents were also working with some people in Abnegation to try and use those same technologies to improve life there and for the factionless.
Then I admitted that by the time I transferred, I didn't know who I was most angry at, my parents or the people who killed them. It just all…it was all messed up in my mind.
By this time we're laying in bed again with her front against my side and holding me tightly.
"I'm sorry, Eric. I am so fucking sorry you had to go through that all alone. I could kill your bastard brother for what he's done to you." She hisses out and tightens her hold on me.
Her eyes when I was telling her all about my past held everything I didn't know I needed. No offers of commiseration. No attempts at placations or condescending sympathy. What I did see was understanding in the way someone who's gone through their own trauma can understand.
I smirk and pull her tighter as well feeling inside of me that I've realized are ties binding me to Kat. I admit it freaked me out the first time I felt it, and I even tried to deny it for a little while.
Taking a breath I reach out and run my thumb along her jaw until she tilts her head back to look at me.
"You asked me once if I had left anyone behind in Erudite. I didn't get it then and thought you were asking me because of Four." She starts to protest but I shake my head a little and continue. "I know you weren't asking because of that but you were asking because of your sister. I get it now, kitten. You were trying to understand how he could have been okay with her staying there. Wondering how he could leave her behind so easily, right?"
She nods slightly and lets out a small sigh when I cup the side of her face.
"I can't tell you how he could want that, much less have been trying to actively convince her to stay. Because it's not something I could ever do, Kat. I wouldn't care how bad this faction was before you got here or how bad it is now. There would...no...there will be...no way that you aren't here by my side. Even if I have to burn this whole damn faction to the ground and build it right back up, I would. I will." I stopped and leaned in closer. "But it would all be with you right by my side, Kat. Because unlike Four, I recognize that it can only be done with you here. I see your strength, angel. I see your flaws and your pain. Everything I see is everything that makes me need you with me to do this together."
I don't let her respond before I let my mouth crush hers to mine. I am shaken by how much I opened myself to her about my past. My parents. My own pain and disillusionments. My heart.
It might be me being a coward but I can't give her the opportunity to respond right now. I am so raw that I am afraid of what she might say and how I will react. All I know is that we crash together with a passion that I hadn't imagined we could top from our last time.
After, I hold her close and let her fall into a healing sleep she needs. I want to let sleep claim me too and not have to get up from beside her. There are plans to be made and things I need to talk to my brothers about.
With reluctance I get out of bed and tuck her into the covers before getting dressed and making my way to the living room.
I pick up my laptop and phone and go over to the table then call Chase. He answers on the second ring.
"We need to talk, brother."