After five glasses of wine the world finally felt like a warm blanket had wrapped itself around my body and senses. The soothing warmth of drunkenness was more than welcomed. I was happily oblivious to all the teasing and snide comments by family and friends alike. I remember the warm embrace of Auntie Zahra and Uncle Kashaw as they came up to greet me. Some more introductions before Astarion stopped me from picking up a seventh drink. Or was it my eight? I was pulled from the sea of tables and taken outside the halls where all of us in the wedding party had to prepare for the ceremony.

Somewhere in my haze I recall how I was introduced to the groom. He was human, jet black hair with green eyes. He was dressed in a deep blue suit and tailed by groomsmen, one being my brother Vax'ildan. Apparently, it took several of my family to tell me I had already met the groom as he was my brother's best friend. I kept saying that couldn't be because my brother's best friend was Feyden, a short and thicker man who was always dirty because he would spend all time wrestling boars for coins. When I abruptly said he couldn't be that handsome everyone erupted in laughter.

"Coming from this sister I will take that as a compliment." I was far too gone to be concerned about what "this sister" meant. "It is I, the very same pig wrestler, Gwen." Feyden came over and took my hand and kissed it. "It is good to see you again after so long."

I blushed, equally from how embarrassed I was and from his gentle demeanor. "I..I apologize. Yep, I think I'll just be shutting up the rest of the evening."

"No need," he laughed, "It's the best day of my life and nothing can sully it. I know it's been two, nearly three years since you have been here. It's good to see you." Though he was being kind I decided not to take his advice and hush till the ceremony was over.

At some point in time I was walked down the aisle by Kymil, a tiefling like me, and friend of my brother. I got a sneaking suspicion this was planned as he and I were the only tieflings in the wedding party. Kymil was part of the first wave of tieflings that came to Whitestone hearing about the Lord's softness towards them, seeing as one of his children was one. Even with me being a nobility that didn't really do much to stop the xenophobia that I, or any refugee, experienced.

Kymil was warm to the touch and looked striking in the blue and black suit. His horns curved in such a way that it looked as if they could make a broken halo atop his head. I recall him telling me a joke and laughing, but what it was I can't say anymore. Far too much wine. The walk towards the altar was quick. Kymil and I parted to separate sides and I took my place alongside my sisters, mother and grandmother. The five of us were Auntie Velora's bridesmaids.

On the right of us were Feyden, Vax, Trevor, Tyr'dllak, Sol and Kymil. The groomsmen were all dressed in the same blue and black suits. Their faces brimming with joy for their friend. The memory of us as children surfaced to the forefront of my mind. How different all of Vax's friends look. Less like chubby cherubs with the pinkness of youth and more like grown hardened men. I wasn't the only one who had grown in these last few years and I could see the experience in their eyes and wondered how much they could see of mine as well.

I did my best to distract myself from the fact that Leona was standing right next to me, her body language speaking loud and clear she wanted nothing to do with me. I looked out at the crowd. Many of the faces were familiar. I recognized them, but putting memories to faces was like treading water, all motion and no solution. I could see my friends all at one of the tables. They looked on with smiling faces. (Lea'zel frowned a little less so I took it as a smile.) Astarion, whose eyes stayed on me, looked like a hawk on a mouse. His eyes were gliniting shining yellow light like a wolf in the woods at night. He looked deadly. My stomach lurched as I wondered if something was wrong. Was I too drunk?

I could speak to him with our connection. But that felt wrong to do here. We needed a break from our tadpoles, not a reminder. The music changed to Here comes the Bride and the guests were signaled to stand. The ring-bearer, a black dog being walked on a leash by the groom's mother, sauntered forth at a well practiced pace. His lolling tongue and wagging tail, received an applause. Then came two little flower girls. Sweet little things dressed in tiny pink dresses and tossing matching pink petals. Then Auntie Velora walked in.

Auntie Velora was beyond words. Even now, I don't think I had ever seen a more beautiful woman. Dressed in a white dress that gradated to a soft pink. Her hair was tied up into a neat bun. Her veil covered her face, but even drunk I could see the joy alight in her eyes. My aunt didn't walk down the aisle, she ran.

I heard her cry out, "Kayden." And rush towards him. Eleven weddings prevented the bride and groom from seeing each other from anywhere between a month to a week. To go so long without the love of your life must be torture, but there was history behind it I couldn't recall. I was feeling rather queasy at this point.

I focused on the words of the officator, Allura Vysoren. Her voice held a gravitious and power of a woman with power and authority. There was a reason she was the Master of the Arcana for the Tal'Dorei Council and it was on display here. Kayden and Allura exchanged vows. Both garnering laughter and tears from everyone.

When they kissed there was an uproar of celebration. They walked back down the aisle together and the bridesmaids and groomsmen followed. All in all, it was a great ceremony. I was told later I managed to not vomit on myself and others.

By this point, the world was too round, the air too heavy and I swayed like a boat out at sea from drunkenness. I felt a hand be placed on my shoulder and then felt far too good. Too sober.

"Hell's bells, child slow down." Auntie Zahra was holding on to me. I looked up at her eyes wide.

"Aww, all that wine I drank. Gone to waste." I sighed soberly. We were standing near the left wall that led to the kitchens. Food was being served and everyone was chatting it up. "How did I get over here? Wait what happened?

"The white haired one. Astarion, I believe, he was trying to find you a bucket. You keep telling him you were ready to blow. Of course, I had to be sure it was the right kind of blowing."

I choked. Auntie Zahra was smiling. "Please, don't ever say that to me again."

"Well, I'm not here to stop you from having a good time, but you should at least be able to consent."

A death scream echoed in my head. I could die right now. "I'm not drunk enough for this conversation, Auntie Z."

She laughed, it was deep and hearty. Gods, I wish I were more like Auntie Zahra. Strong willed, and gentle. She always knew how to handle herself and others. Growing up around some of the most legendary warriors in history and realizing you had to live up to the standards of them all was so very hard. I broke a little in front of her, and when I spoke I sounded like the little girl I used to be.

"What's wrong, child? I have never seen you like this before?" Her voice was gentle and I crumbled. I told her about what was truly hurting me. What I endured out in the world. That it really was as cold and harsh and I had been warned. That I had tried to make good choices. The right choice. I had ended up getting a bunch of tieflings killed because of it.

"I saved them from goblins only to find them dead in the Shadow-Cursed lands." My voice quivered. "I-I sent them to their deaths thinking I could be a hero. I…I…" I was sniveling too much to talk at this point.

"My dear." Auntie Zahra hugged me. Then placed me at arms length to get a good look at me. "You did something most couldn't do. You gave them hope for a better world. You tried to teach them to save themselves as much as that others want to save them too. It is never your fault you can't be everyone at once."

"I know, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."

"I know dear. It always hurts when trying to save the world. But you can only do so much. You are only mortal."

"I know," I sniffed. "It..it just feels like Father and Davil were right. You sometimes have to make horrible choices in order to make the world better."

Auntie Zahra snorted, "Believe me, in the old days your father was a madman. He's certainly mellowed out, but that darkness inside his heart is still there. Please, always remember you aren't the sum of your father's sins. No matter how either of us may look it."

Then my heart panged. Auntie Zahra was just like me. Both our fathers made contracts with devils. Her father did so in the name of power. Mine, to survive the nine hells. Both outcomes had the same results. Tiefling children.

I bristled before asking the next question. "Why is Leona with Davil?"

Auntie Zahra's eyes went wide, she scowled, then sighed. "Because your father is interested in keeping an eye inside of the Zhentarim."

I was stunned, but not surprised. My head propelled with memories of my leaving Whitestone. Founding out Davil was part of an underground shadow network of thieves and cut throats. That he was one of the heads and worst yet, my father not only knew, but allowed it. Encouraged it. A whole village suffered from a lack of food and water because of what my father and Davil had done. That the money in our coffers was equal drug money as it was honest work. That my mother knew about it, but was helping launder more money than god for the town of Whitestone. Their dreams and passion of making this town a city that rivaled, nay, surpassed Baldur's Gate.

I gritted my teeth in frustration. My father would always do what needs to be done in order to make sure what he cared about was secure. It's one of the many reasons I was born the way I was. A tiefling born from a pact with a devil in the nine hells. I grew up secure, safe, loved, but that didn't mean I grew up blind. I saw what people did to tieflings. How they treated me when they didn't know who my family was, then when a guard came up to tell them how they wilted with realization they had just accused their Lord's daughter. Many days I spent my childhood wondering why I had to be the one to look the way I did. That I would be punished for my father's deal.

"Fftc!" A potted plant burst into flames.

"Wooh, wooh." Auntie Zahra slapped out the fire.

"Sorry. I just…," I couldn't finish the sentence I was starting to cry.

"I found a bucket!" Astarion walked up, a wild grin on his face, then it collapsed into worry. "What happened?"

"Nothing, nothing." I spoke rapidly. "Just me being a fuck up."Zahra and I got the fire uncontroll, but the plant was very dead.

"Pet," Astarion's eyes lingered on me.

"I'll let you two talk." Auntie Zahra kissed me on my forehead and walked back into the party. "When you calm down I will be here for you," She whispered into my ear before leaving, "And keep this one. He is sweet." Auntie Zahra walked off, disappearing into the uproarious party.

Astarion placed a hand on my cheek, wiping away a tear with the pad of his thumb.

"Can we go someplace quieter?" I asked.

"Of course, though, you'd have to lead the way. I got bloody lost trying to find this damn bucket."

I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. Even when things were going wrong because of me Astarion always found a way to make me feel better.

I led him through the door he came from and up a flight of stairs. We went to the guard balcony, where I was sure they were out on duty making sure no one crashed this party.

When we stepped outside into the cool sunset. I took a deep breath before I told him. Told him everything my father and mother had done and were still doing. Astarion took it all in, letting me speak. I hadn't ever seen him so quiet and attentive. Then, he said, "Sounds to me you have a family that loves you and your people."

I looked at him defeated. My heart dropped. Of course of all people Astarion would agree with my parents. "Pet, it isn't your fault there is wickedness in the world. Nor, is it your father and mother's. They are doing the best they can with the cards they are dealt."

"I know, but I wish…I wish…" I couldn't form the words so many days and nights I had spent living to a standard no one believed I could be. Good. "I wish I didn't feel the weight of people's judgments. The world is hard for many tieflings. Hells the refugees in the grove proved that to me on a visceral level." I felt my eyes well up with tears, "They didn't deserve to die like that and I caused it, by thinking I could be good."

I thought of the bodies we found in the Shadow-Cursed Lands. How if it weren't for me being unable to convince the druids they should stay they'd be alive. I thought of how if it weren't for luck I'd be just like them, on the fringes of society. Unloved. Unwanted. Fighting for any scrap of food or coin I could.

It has been the whole reason we came back to my home. I had broken out there in the Shadow-Cursed lands seeing their dead bodies. They had mutilated Ikaron. Slain Amek. Tore out Rachel's throat. When I saw Xeon's pale dead face it was like staring into a mirror that showed my own death. Would I look that pained in death? Frozen in fear and covered in piss and shit? Or worse would I be lost? My body never to be found only to carrion for the crows?

Yet, here I was lucky enough to have companions that cared about me. Cared enough to try to help me. To come to a short notice wedding after seeing all the death I caused. I was weeping. My sobs were causing me to hiccup.

Astarion hugged me. He simply hugged me tightly. "It's going to be alright, pet."

"I keep making mistakes."

"Blah, mistakes are only the past judged by hindsight. You can't be perfect and if you were I wouldn't want you. Too bloody boring for me."

"But-,"

"Ah, ah, ah," Astarion placed a hand up to stop me, "There is no way you can be there for everyone. Even if you could, they would never be able to live on their own. You gave those people all the help you could. Some died, yes, but others survived. For all your naïveté I wouldn't change one bloody thing about anything you chose so far."

I stared at him. Astarion was encouraging me. Matron of Ravens, I must have looked so pathetic.

"Well, the insistent need to help everyone under the sun could go. Maybe those rags you wear to sleep as well."

I jabbed him in the stomach. "Now pet, what did I say? We use our words. Hands are for the bedroom."

My face contoured as I attempted to stop myself from smiling. "You always do that."

"Do what?"

"Lighten a serious conversation with humor."

"Well after 200 years of non-stop torture how else was I to stay sane? Tav," he paused, then looked at me. His face shifted to a more earnest expression, "Gwen." It was the first time he said my name with sincerity, "Listen, I care about you. No matter what you do, so long as you do what truly exemplifies who you are, I will always care for you."

"Really?"

"Yes, my sweet." He kissed my cheek. "And I won't date one of your sisters afterwards."

"Bloody hell!"

We erupted in laughter. "That's so damn gross. I had sex with that man first."

"Rich people." Astarion sneered. "Come now, let's get back to the party. I was reading people's minds while down there."

"You were what?!"

"Oh yes, turns out that Davil fellow definitely thinks you're the better lay. Apparently your sister can't arch her back to make him finish."

"Astarion, in all seriousness, never ever tell me that again. I never want to hear about my sister's sex life. But also tell me everything else you heard."

We took out time getting back to the party. Astarion told me juicy things that I could scarcely believe were going on during that party. We gossiped and I uncovered far more secrets than I expected.

"Lea'zel and Grog!" I let out a high pitch squeal.

"I know right. I bet their bout will smell worse than the putrid bog."