Chapter 64: The End of the Lies
The Quidditch season was due to begin again and Severus watched as James, Sirius, Isabella Openshaw and all the other players made their way to the pitch to practice. Lily was keen to see the game between Gryffindor and Slytherin and was even making bets with Melody that if Gryffindor lost their next match, she would buy her some Honeydukes candy during the Christmas Honeydukes visit. The Ravenclaws were also having a new try-out for a Keeper as the previous Keeper decided to quit the team after a bad knock on the head between a Bludger and a goalpost the previous season.
Severus was due to visit Dumbledore that evening and was still uncertain about whether he could face Lily Potter or not.
It was affecting his dreams at night sometimes and he would often wake up in a cold sweat, wishing he could erase all of his nightmares from his past life, but it was still so difficult, particularly the event where Lily confessed to never loving Severus in the way he wanted to be loved.
He gave up everything for her, only to be told that none of it really mattered because she could never fully forgive him, nor be the same best friend as she had once been since she had married his bully and was, to this day, proud of it.
"What's on your mind today, Sev?" asked the better version of the woman in question.
"Not much, just Nanny and Grandad."
"Oh, Sev, it's alright. I'm sure they're happy, wherever they are now. Do we wizards and witches believe in the afterlife?"
"There's apparently a gateway to the afterlife in the Department of Mysteries, but one actually has to die to go through, so no-one is certain what lies ahead on the other side," said Severus with a shrug.
"Wow," sighed Lily.
Severus chuckled and hugged her.
"Always a way with words to cheer me up," he murmured.
"Aww, you softie," giggled Lily, tweaking his nose sweetly.
They heard footsteps coming and they spotted Remus looking pale and weak of limb, as he had just gone through another round of the full moon combined with Wolfsbane Potion.
"You two okay?"
"Yes, thanks Remus," replied Lily with a blush, "not watching the practice?"
"No, too tired to walk all the way down there," replied Remus, "besides, I wanted to see you two and ask if the Union is doing anything else next week in terms of branching out to the rest of the school."
"I'm not entirely sure, Remus," said Lily dismally, "ever since the attack last year, it's been harder to trust anyone. Nott's disguise made it clear just how easy it is to trick people into giving away everyone else's safety."
"That's why the Union must persist though, right?"
The couple nodded in agreement.
"Maybe we can get Narcissa to open up in the next meeting?" suggested Lily.
"Good luck," said Severus and Remus in unison.
Remus was also looking at Severus oddly. Severus was still unaware of Remus' eavesdropping of him and Dumbledore that night during the private Boggart lesson. But Remus was still waiting for the right moment to bring it up, as he felt obliged to be quiet about his confusion and suspicious thoughts as he owed Severus a great deal, as he had stopped him from mauling his two closest friends and also offered to brew him the Wolfsbane Potion beyond Hogwarts, and was even helping Slughorn brew it this year.
"How's your sister, Lily?" asked Remus.
"She's…managing," replied Lily, "she's still adapting to her new lifestyle, but no partners as yet. And um…I think she's still much more shaken up about what happened last year than she's admitting. Over the summer, I could hear her panting and screaming in her sleep. And I swear I heard her cry out for someone to save 'that poor boy.' I just knew she was reliving what happened to Peter…"
There was a mournful silence.
As they were thinking, Lily spoke up suddenly.
"Sev, back there in the fight, you and Frank Longbottom were trying to get Peter to leave, weren't you?"
"Yes, but he wouldn't listen."
"Didn't he say something about not making the same mistakes?"
Severus blanched. Peter was indeed responsible for said words, but even he didn't fully understand what they meant until after his death. He couldn't possibly tell Lily that he knew the true reason, least of all in front of Remus Lupin, so he swallowed deeply and lied to his love once more.
"Yes, something about not wanting to run away from Malfoy like he used to before the Union gave him the strength to fight back and face his fears."
Lily dipped her head sadly, and Remus was trying his hardest to stay composed; he still felt terrible for not being there for Peter in his final moments, and worse, his last year of life.
"Can we change subject?" asked Severus morosely.
"Yes, let's."
"So when are you gonna propose to Lily?" interrupted Quincey cheekily, having arrived on the scene arm in arm with Mary, and surprisingly in his other arm, he was sporting a broomstick.
"You trying out for the Ravenclaw Quidditch team's Keeper, Quince?" asked Lily, who was blushing deeply at his joke.
"And when is Mary going to save you the job and propose to you, you coward?" snapped Severus, also blushing.
Quincey laughed heartily, unaware of what the three were talking about moments before.
"Yes, I am, Lily, and Mary won't be. That honour will be all mine, likely before you as well, eh, Severus?"
Severus swallowed his pride and simply replied:
"We shall see."
"Good luck with the tryouts, Quincey," said Remus encouragingly.
"Thanks, Remus, see you all later, and further on for the Union meeting, yeah?"
"Yep," came the joint replies.
As Mary went with Quincey to oversee his tryout, Remus mentioned wanting to get some rest and trudged up the staircase to the Gryffindor dormitory.
"What shall we do then?" asked Severus.
"Well, you could practice your proposal speech?" teased Lily.
"Not a minute before we graduate and are of legal age, my dear," said Severus, trying his best to sound sincere, firm and cheeky at the same time.
Sadly, the latter was more of a Marauder quality, something he still didn't wish to adopt to express himself.
"In that case, shall we go and study on some Divination?" asked Lily.
"I suppose so," said Severus grimly.
He wasn't taking the subject and had no intention of giving it any serious thought unless another prophecy came along, but he was willing to study with his girlfriend, and decided to mostly focus on his latest Defence homework from Robin.
In the library, Severus studied hard and whenever Lily asked a question about her Divination homework, he obediently offered an opinion or suggestion when the opportunity was given him.
"Can I see if I can predict something about you?" asked Lily.
"How?" asked Severus.
"Well, I'll check your star sign and then align it with the results of this tea leaf set."
She took out of her bag a little set of Divination equipment.
"Professor Sagit recommended it last year, so I got it in Hogsmeade before we went home for the summer," she explained when she saw the baffled expression on Severus' face.
Severus nodded stiffly and slowly, wondering if Lily's plan of predicting his fortune was a good idea.
What if she predicted something he didn't want to occur? What if she even discovered his past somehow? Would she stick by him?
"Now, I'll use a little hot water with these leaves, mind out for Pince, please, Sev? Aguamenti! And now I'll drain the water."
She Vanished the water and then shook the dregs in the little cup and observed the tea leaves.
"Well, from what I see here…you seem to have the cross, suggesting death or suffering or both…and then…is that a halo? That suggests divinity, but then I see something like a sunrise, which suggests an awakening in the spirit. So you've suffered and you're going to have an awakening or epiphany perhaps that made you better? Ring any bells to you?"
Severus gulped. He was worried that Lily had actually read his past instead of his future.
"I cannot comment, Lily," he said, "I don't know if it's a reference to what happened to my grandparents and Peter…or maybe you were my halo over my head when we first met. It all seems like stuff centred around the past, not the future."
"I'll note it all," said Lily, "thanks for helping me, Sev."
"No trouble," said Severus briefly, returning rapidly to his own homework.
He was trying his best not to bead in sweat, scared of his cover being blown by Lily and that wretched curse that is Divination.
"Wanna go for a snack in the kitchens?" asked Lily after a while.
"Sure, but no sweet treats. I'll never have dinner otherwise."
Severus wasn't feeling hungry at all but had to save face to avoid any suspicions. It was killing him inside to have to keep lying to Lily about who he truly was and is. But he was still too afraid to lose everything all over again.
He was starting to wish he was holding the Resurrection Stone again after all.
It was late that same evening. Severus had finished, just about, his dinner and then went on his Prefect duties. He and Dumbledore agreed that he would join him in his office after the duties were due to be taken over by the next prefects.
In due time, Severus arrived outside Dumbledore's office with only an incident of catching a young Hufflepuff sneaking some chocolate cakes from the kitchens.
"Enter, Severus."
Severus did so and was keen to continue his Occlumency lessons to ensure that he was definitely up to scratch in the coming battles.
"Have you found anything out?" asked Severus.
"Nothing at all, but Voldemort is rising more and more by the day. The Ministry is in turmoil to eliminate his threat as nothing but a silly little cult to the public. But everybody knows that Voldemort is the greatest enemy of the Wizarding World since….Gellert Grindlewald."
Severus bowed his head in understanding and then decided to make the Headmaster's day.
"I'm ready, sir," he said grimly.
"For your lesson?"
"For the Stone."
"Well, my boy, that's excellent news."
"I'm sure it is for you, Albus."
The rejuvenated-in-spirits headteacher opened his desk drawer and carefully deposited the Resurrection Stone before Severus.
"I will once again make myself scarce. Be sure to uncover whatever you can to aid in our plans. And Severus."
"Yes?"
"I hope you two can see past the past," smiled Dumbledore with hope.
Then he and Fawkes exited, leaving Severus to pick up the Stone. He was highly hesitant to use it, but he needed to. It had been calling him from afar for too long. He was hoping it would give him peace to just embrace its power again.
With a deep sigh, he resigned himself to the fates and turned the Stone thrice in his fingers and he felt the familiar brush of air as the dead returned to him.
Opening his eyes, he found himself facing Lily Potter, Septimus and Desdemona Prince and Peter Pettigrew.
"Good evening, darling," said Desdemona.
"Hey, Nanny. Grandad."
"Hope you're well, boy," said Septimus stiffly.
"Yes, I'm well…just worried."
"So you should be," said Peter, "it's been ages. What kept you?"
Severus sighed again.
"I just needed a break. It's not to do with you guys. Well, bar one."
He looked directly from Peter to Lily as he said this, and he saw a twinkle resembling a tear in what appeared to be a sorrowful eye.
"Well, Helena has some news for you," said Desdemona, and as she said this, Helena Ravenclaw appeared.
"Hello, Severus," she said politely.
"Oh, um, hello, Helena. Sorry. I've not been focused on the Horcruxes lately. Personal troubles…have you some good news for me then?"
"Indeed I do," said Helena, looking to Lily worriedly.
Lily nodded absently as Helena continued.
"Voldemort has handed his Horcrux Cup to the Lestranges. It will be deposited in Gringotts Bank by now. It's in their vault. Lily says her son found it there also in your old lifetime. He needed to survive the Multiplication Jinx and Breach Burn Curse to claim it and as you likely know, the dragons guard high-security vaults such as the Lestrange family's."
"So the Cup is now in place," said Severus eagerly, "and is there any other updates on Nagini and the remaining Horcruxes?"
"Not as yet," said Helena, "but Ariana, Lily and I are still keeping an eye out."
"Thank you," said Severus politely.
"I guess this is where we leave you, boy," said Septimus affectionately, "I think you and Mrs Potter here need to have a private talk."
Severus cringed at the words 'Mrs' and 'Potter'.
"Please don't hold that title so harshly in your broken heart, Severus," said Desdemona gently, "you have all the chances in the world to compensate. But you still need your friend. Goodbye, sweetheart."
Septimus, Desdemona and Helena disappeared but Peter remained with a shy expression.
"What is it, Peter?"
"Well, um, I wanted to thank you, Severus."
"How come?"
"Because I have found paradise in my death, and though I miss you guys, I have got my father back with me and I might even have a girlfriend now…if the dates go okay."
"A girlfriend?"
This was an event that even Severus had not anticipated or foreseen.
"Yeah, her name is Myrtle Warren."
"Myrtle?!"
"You know her then?"
"Not her exactly, but in my world, that girl was doomed as a ghost in the girls' bathroom at Hogwarts after a Basilisk killed her."
"Oh…I hope she moves on someday."
"And I hope you and this Myrtle pull off this dating," said Severus sincerely, "thinking about it, I think you two could bring out the best in one another."
"If it wasn't for you, Severus, creating the Union and giving me the confidence to stand up to bullies and Death Eaters, I wouldn't be in Heaven right now. I'd end up like the old Peter and be condemned to pain and eternal misery. So thank you, once again."
Severus felt secretly flattered but smiled modestly.
"No bother, Peter. You did it all yourself. You made the right choices."
"Thanks, Severus. Well, I'd best be off too. Best of luck with Lily, both of them."
Peter vanished leaving Severus alone with the one person he felt he could not talk to.
"Hello, Lily."
"Hello, Severus."
"What are we supposed to talk about?"
"I…I don't know."
Severus inhaled deeply and began to monologue.
"Perhaps we should start where we left off. You insulted my love for you and I insulted your sister. We both disgusted the other, but I ended up feeling as you had done all those years ago. I ended things between us, not that there was much to end. You saw to that when you married Potter. And I saw to it by ever calling you that word. But I still admit that if I had the chance, I'd have eagerly slaughtered that swine if it meant I didn't have to lose you in the first place and so that I didn't have to live through such hell."
Lily said nothing at first. But with a deep breath, she let out some words.
"I deserved that…and maybe James does too."
"The maybe being the key word, as always with you."
"I don't want to fight anymore, Sev," said Lily softly, "I haven't been able to bear it, not being able to talk to you."
"You're preaching to the choir, Lils," said Severus unsympathetically. "I had to go without talking to you every day after that outburst. Every. Day! I had to watch you be friendly and popular with your precious Gryffindors while I was stamped into the ground by them and everyone else, including Albus Bloody Dumbledore! And then I lost you completely, first to Potter, and then to the Dark Lord! And you stand before me now, whinging about how you haven't been able to cope without me for a few months? Try 22 years, Lily! THEN you can look me in the eye and tell me how you feel about being ghosted by your best friend."
Lily's transparent tears streamed down her cheeks. She had nothing to say to justify herself. She was a terrible friend, made unpopular by her sister and her peers for having freakish abilities that they couldn't understand. Then she met Severus, and her world began to fit into place as they could be loners together. But then Hogwarts came, and she was suddenly the talk of the school and the most sought-after and popular girl around. She got lost in being popular and left Severus behind. She was distancing herself from him before he called her a Mudblood and it wasn't just because of his affiliation with the Dark Arts and the bullying Slytherins. She knew deep down that she was caving into everyone's advice to ditch the loser Slytherin greaseball and solely hang out with her fellow popular friends. Severus' outburst just made the choice easier for her.
"Why so shy?" asked Severus contemptuously. "You had no trouble letting your words out last time."
"You're right, Sev. Let's leave it at that. You were right about me, and you were right about how unfair your life has been. And I understand that I had a huge part to play in that. I'd give anything to make it up to you!"
"No, you wouldn't," said Severus bitterly, "you knew that I loved you, but you couldn't possibly give up Potter for me."
"I regret what we did to you, Sev, but you cannot ask me to give up the man I love for you, whom I never fancied in that way! We wouldn't have been happy together! I'd crave James and you'd crave me to crave you in the same way, which I could never do! I'm so, so sorry, Severus, but I did my best to make amends when I asked for you to be sent here to this world!"
"You just wanted me off your conscience and not crying at your doorstep for eternity," snapped Severus.
"That's not true, but you were an Unsavable. You were a lost cause and I had to endure many years of believing that I'd have to send you off to be erased and reborn as somebody else. But when the Higher Ones and Albus proposed this alternative, it felt like a miracle. There was a chance for the Sev I knew and loved, albeit platonically, to survive reincarnation and be happy as he was in a new world. I don't want you to squander that chance because of your resentment towards James and I, Sev. I'm begging you, if you cannot forgive me, please accept my help and to not lose your faith in the Lily you've been blessed with in this life. Please."
She whimpered that final plea so piteously that it broke through Severus' bitter shield, making him feel a twinge of remorse.
"You always seem to know how to disarm me, Lily Potter," he muttered.
"But can you forgive me…or at least work with me?"
"I can work with you for the sake of all my friends and family left in this world…but give me one good reason why I shouldn't make you spend years on end without closure on how we stopped being friends."
"Because I already have," sobbed Lily.
Severus froze.
"You were not the only one who suffered when I ended our friendship. You never fought for me again after that night. You gave up and fell in with the Death Eaters completely. I then died and saw all the remorse, pain and heartbreak you endured. I was devastated, I still am! And I am praying every day that you defeat that world's Voldemort and live the long, happy life you had always wanted before returning to Heaven. Because…I cannot bear to watch my best friend who I had helped break almost completely beyond repair…fall again into despair."
Severus pondered for a time, for he was still badly wounded from all his past mistakes and the sheer misery placed upon him when he lost Lily in every single way. The fact that she ever chose Potter over him was still a deep wound, one that would almost certainly never heal.
"I need time to decide if I can forgive you any easier than you forgave me…can you accept that?"
"Of course, Sev."
"And…I need to admit one more thing to you, as I cannot to my Lily right now."
"What's that?" asked Lily, showing keenness to offer a sympathetic ear.
"I…I am so tired…of all this lying."
"Lying? About whom you are?"
"And all I've done," admitted Severus.
"Sev…what you've done in another life is of no consequence. Your grandparents know that."
"It is though," objected Severus with severe solemnity, "because of my lies. The more I hide about those times, the more they matter in this life because this life is thereby tainted by them. When she finds out…what if she doesn't understand?"
"We've been through this, Sev, I'm certain she will."
"But you didn't."
"One version is not entirely equal to another."
Severus didn't have it in him to argue. The whole situation was so complex and so far removed from any other scenario that he was finding it impossible for even Lily Potter to understand it, let alone himself.
"I am just…so tired…"
"Your lies can come to an end, if you face up to them and reveal the truth to your Lily, Sev," suggested Lily delicately.
"I know you're right, but I'm baulked by fear every time it crosses my mind," said Severus.
"Then you still DO need more training on your Occlumency," said Lily positively, "because if you close your fears out, you can face Lily with the truth more easily."
Severus was left to ponder again.
"I will try my best to Occlude to that extent," he said at last with conviction.
"Good…so I guess…I will see you again in a few months?"
"Sometime after Christmas," agreed Severus, though he didn't express half as much enthusiasm as he had done when he first used the Resurrection Stone.
Lily nodded with a shortened smile.
"Goodbye, Sev."
"Bye, Lils."
And with that, Severus dropped the Stone and prepared for his next Occlumency lesson.
"To stop lying, I must stop being afraid," he muttered determinedly as he heard Dumbledore's door open and the familiar flap of Fawkes' wings incoming.
A/N: My end of chapter note! Here is Chapter 64. I am finding it safe to say that this story will be beyond 100 chapters, so there's still plenty to go. I apologize for long waits. Severus' story is still a delicate subject with me. So Lily Potter and Severus have rekindled...for the time being.
In Chapter 65, Severus finds a new solution in Herbology class.