13 years, 13 years he'd lived with his grief, with the pain of betrayal coursing like fire in his veins. Jiang Cheng was alone all that time, no one save his nephew to call family, he couldn't burden him with his stress. Truly that childe was too young to understand, he hadn't know Lótus Pier before the war, hadn't known his grandparents, parents or even his martial uncle. Jiang Cheng often considered that both a blessing and a curse, he didn't know that the feelings his Jiujiu fought with were more complex than simply hate.
Back in the past Jiang Cheng had taken everything his Martial brother said To be the truth. When Wei Wuxian said they would be Yunmeng's two prides, he believed him, no matter what his mother said, their was no way Wei Ying would betray him, right?
But then the war happened, Lótus Pier burned, his parents and Shixiongs died needlessly, all he had left that night in the rain was his sister and Wei Ying. What happened next had been a natural choice to him, he was the weaker link of the two, Wei Wuxian would make a better sect leader. So when he saw the soldier had spotted Wei Ying, he panicked, he made sure it was him that they caught, not Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng often wonders how things would have gone if he had stayed hidden, would his sister still be alive? Would his brother have lived through the war?
He doesn't know and it haunts him, the first time he protected Wei Ying backfired, and the resulting chaos made further attempts even more futile. Losing his core and unwittingly buying Wei Yings blatant lie, and with it Wei Yings core, was the worst thing that could have happened. He's thought about nothing but that since the night Wen Ning revealed the truth. But even with that, it's too late. He's gone too far, he should never have listened to the other sects, he should have stood by his martial brother. But he can't go back.
He doesn't hate Wei Wuxian, it would have been easier if he did. What he felt as betrayal stings because he still cares, he loves his Martial sibling, he wants him to be causing chaos around Yunmeng. Jiang Cheng wants to argue with him, wants to be able to get annoyed with Wei Wuxian's terrible sleep habits. He wants to go back to how it was, but he knows, it will never be that way again. He knew the moment Wei Ying returned, any chance he had of fixing things had flown out the window.
What hurts the most is knowing that everything that happened is his own fault. If Wei Ying hadn't given him his core, if he'd learned to hide it, maybe his sister would still be alive. Maybe Wei Ying would have his original body.
If he had protected the wens with Wei Ying would they all still be alive? Would his sister and Zixuan have gotten to raise Jin Ling? Maybe they would've had other children by now.
Either way, the betrayal he felt before has been replaced with numbness over the course of the past two years. He feels hallow, like an empty vessel, he only really feels some semblance of normality when he's with his nephew. He's tired of being alone, 13 years is a long time to spend isolated from others, it's true that he has servants and disciples. However most are either too young to remember times before the war, or they fear him. Against what one might think, he doesn't enjoy intimidating people. Years of being cast aside and either mocked or gossiped about have left him with too much distrust to reach out to those that do remember times before.
Even with his martial brothers return the whispers about how he killed his brother haven't ceased. Sometimes he can't block it out anymore, he wants to tell the gossipers that they don't know what their saying. But he knows they won't listen, they didn't listen when his father, Jiang Fengmian said that Wei Ying wasn't his child, so why would they listen to him?
To make matters worse, lately he's been fighting with other feelings, when he sees his martial sibling with Hanguang-Jun. it feels like jealousy, not necessarily the type one feels for the lover of someone they are in love with, but jealousy none the less. Unfortunately he feels the same towards his nephews group of friends, at 36, Jiang Cheng is tired of being alone. He would change if he knew how, reach out if he thought someone would listen, but he doesn't know how. No one ever taught him how to make friends. He never tried when he was younger because he had Wei Ying and Yanli, he was content . He often wishes now that he would have asked his sister, because it's getting tiresome being the only one keeping the Lótus Piers lamp burning.
Jin Ling visits less and less frequently, he's busy since taking over Lanling Jin. But it's also because he has friends to spend time with too, and Wei Ying is easier to ask for advice. Jiang Cheng doesn't blame Jin Ling for spending less time at Lotus Pier, but he does miss him. The Pier seems too quiet without his nephew or his brother, even the disciples laughter in the summer isn't enough to break it.
The nights though, those are the worst. He avoids sleep as long as he's able to, avoids taking meals in the main dining hall. He tried eating with his disciples but he recognizes when his presence isn't wanted, so he sits in his office most days instead. But eventually he's forced to return to his chambers, and that's when it hits the hardest. If he sleeps at all he has terrible nightmares, but sometimes fate pulls something far more cruel. Many nights he's dreamed about being a child, waking up in the middle of the night with a child Wei Ying in the bed across from his. Those dreams are spent watching his sleeping brothers back, afraid he will vanish. Sometimes Jiang Cheng wonders if Wei Ying would laugh at him if he knew those dreams were his Didi's biggest comfort. Either way, when morning comes, he cries, because he's alone.
He visits the ancestral hall a lot when he can't sleep, sometimes he lays on the bed in Wei Yings old room, sometimes Yanli's. After a few too many drinks he can almost hear Wei Wuxian chattering at him, he wishes he'd listened more when he could.
Sometimes he gets frustrated enough that he tries to word an apology letter to his brother, but he can never get the words right. He wishes he could figure out how to control his temper, so that he could beg Wei Ying to forgive him. He hates being his mothers son, wishes he was more like his father... maybe Wei Ying wouldn't have run from him, maybe he wouldn't have hit him with Zidian.