Hi everyone! Sorry, it took a while to update. But here's another chapter. Not yet the exchange. Let them have at least a few good days.
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First there was a line on the horizon. Land. As we kept coming closer, the sun slowly set and turned it into a red line that awaited us.
Approaching from the waterfront, you can't even see the beautiful city in its lagoon. A simple island, the Lido di Venezia, greets you. A sand bank, nothing else. The tourists have left already, it seems. There are a few lights on the beach, it looks like they are beach bars.
I've stopped the boat and thrown out the anchor a few hundred yards away from the beach. Far enough not to attract anyone's attention. Close enough to be out of the maritime traffic routes which are really crowded around here.
We'll spend the night here.
The last one on this boat.
Ever since Albania, things went well. The Croatian coast was a picturesque dream. Now we're even here early, four days earlier than planned.
Mehmet's contact in Italy won't be too sad about it. Me neither. As much as I loved these two weeks away from everyone else, I want to have solid land beneath me. There's a lot I finally need to take care of.
Balancing two glasses of wine, I make my way over to Audrey. She's sitting at the bow again… this has become our favorite place lately. She's leaning over the railing and looking at the shore.
I guess she thought it would be different. More beautiful. There are pictures in everyone's head, when you think of Venice. Old towers. The small channels through the city. The people, the boats, the tourists. The famous fronts of these buildings that have appeared in so many movies.
Are you disappointed?, I ask her, as I sit down next to her.
She takes the second glass of wine out of my hand. No, why should I be?
Well, it doesn't really look like advertised. … At least not from that angle.
She laughs.
God, how much do I love that laugh.
I'm gonna miss it.
That look on her face is so beautiful. I can tell she's okay… she's more than okay. She looks happy. I have everything I need, I hear her say, and I've been to Venice before, Jack. I know how it is like over there.
The way she said it, I could almost hear between her words that she meant the people. The crowds that she wants to stay away from, just like me.
We clink glasses and take a sip. That's our last night here. Two days ago I stopped at the last marina in Croatia and bought a few supplies with the last few Dollars I had… well, Euros. Most of the money went into fuel for the boat's engine. A loaf of bread, some cheese and bacon and that bottle of wine. I wouldn't have bought it if it wasn't for our last evening on the boat. I finally knew that I'd get through with the money, the tank is full and that's all we need. Let's spend the pathetic rest. Tomorrow I'll get paid for the trip, anyway. These last few Euros that I have will be enough for us to make it until then.
We'll need to head up a few miles East tomorrow. There's the marina where I'll give back the boat.
Okay.
She leans against me and rests her head on my shoulder.
I could sit here, like this, forever. How many evenings have spent like this, sitting here, saying nothing at all? Just cherishing the person next to us? Or having fun, talking about whatever crossed our minds?
I put my arm around her and hold her close. Don't do it, you idiot. Don't tell yourself that this is the last night. Remember the good ones that you had. Nobody can take these away from me. And there are still four days until we need to be in Munich.
I'll drop you off at a restaurant by the sea, before I head over to them. I can't take you there, they wouldn't understand.
Okay.
She just says yes and trusts me. Thank god that she turned out this way. When I found her, almost two months ago, she was a different person. Now she's almost back. It would have been unthinkable, two months ago, to just drop her off at some place in a foreign country and have her wait for me.
It also would have been unthinkable to sit here, like we do now, drinking a glass of wine and sharing the moment.
Do they know who you are?
Her question surprises me. How do you mean?
Do these people know who you are? She turns her head a little and looks up into my eyes. Your name? Your past?
They don't.
Nothing?
Almost nothing. They know my first name. I couldn't really hide where I'm from. They know I can't go back to the US and the Russians are after me. They're after them as well.
She expects me to continue. But I can't. I can't tell you everything, Audrey. When you return home, they'll put at least some pressure on you to reveal who helped me 'hold you captive' and I don't want to draw them into this.
Even though they're criminals?
Yeah.
They've become your friends throughout these years, she remarks, am I right?
Is she right? Have they really become my only friends? Or how else would I call them? I don't know what they are.
Let's call them family.
For everyone else, that would be even more than friends. Audrey knows that for me, it's something totally different. These are the people that are somehow tied to you, though you don't even want that. The ones I hate to be a part of, but the ties just won't let me go.
And sometimes, they act like friends. Sometimes.
Upon hearing me say family, she stopped asking questions.
She knows.
Everything.
I softly place a kiss upon her head and bury my face in her hair.
There we are, sitting next to each other again, in silence. We don't even need to speak to know what each other is thinking about. You are the only one, Audrey, who I ever told everything that ever happened in my life. Teri knew nothing. Marilyn knew some. But you know me, inside out. I've let down my guards long ago and I never regretted it.
That's why you are here now, your hand at my thigh, every other soft stroke of your hand tells me that you know that the word family is just a euphemism for me, for people who you can't trust and you can't get away from their claws.
Why don't you just sell them out…. she whispers.
I can't. It takes me long to find a reason why. Or to put that reason in words. They took me in and gave me chance when I had nothing. On their terms, of course, but still. Now, finally, I add it: and the other side is not so much better.
The other side. The government. The state. That merciless dragon who seems to live by the law and whenever it comes in handy, they'll just throw that law aside to do whatever they think is necessary.
Dad tried to make it the good side, Audrey remarks.
Sometimes I totally forget that I'm sitting here with a first daughter. Maybe you're the heart of the dragon. You always tried to make things end good. You always tried to defend everyone and see a reason in it all.
That's the one thing you don't know. How things between him and me turned out, that day when we both got out of Cheng's hands. That day, when he told me I was cursed and that everyone around me would eventually die because of me.
It still sends a shiver down my spine. I can almost hear his voice, saying it. It has been in the back of my head, for many years. He was so right with every word he said. Jumping off that cliff in front of his house could have made the world better. Renee would still be alive. Probably Audrey wouldn't have ended up in China again… the day I came back into her life it already went to hell.
I should have jumped.
She must have sensed that my thoughts are going off track. Far.
As she asks me what's wrong, I'm already standing on that parapet, in my thoughts, making that final step forward. The only reason why I didn't do it was because of her. Not in front of their house. Silently, somewhere else, maybe.
And while I left, that gun still in my hands, I was sure that my next battle was going to be there soon. Why not wait. Just take a risky mission and let someone else point their gun at me. Then I can at least die for something.
Bad memories, I remark and straighten up a little. Let's not think back.
It's not the first time I've said that to wind myself out of a conversation that I'm not willing to have.
I drink a bit of the wine.
She does, too.
After I while, she apologizes.
You don't need to say you're sorry. There's nothing you ever did wrong, Audrey.
I should't have brought it up.
Brought up what?
Dad.
I freeze. What does she know?
I know you have a history.
We look into each other's eyes. No, we stare. I don't know what will be the next thing she says but I'm afraid I don't want to hear it.
She puts her glass away and takes my hand into hers.
He drove you away back then, she silently says, he was so mad at you.
He was right.
She shakes her head, determinedly. No. He should have helped you get back on your feet. He should have defended you instead of letting the Senate charge you… After a pause she adds, …I should have defended you, when dad got into office… the moment he got the powers to pardon you, I should have urged him to do it.
I'm out of words.
Does she really hold herself responsible for the mistakes I made? Come on, Audrey, don't. You're not the one who pulled the trigger on those Russians. You are not the one who tortured people again and again, allegedly for some greater good that never turned out to be there.
These are my mistakes. You can't correct them.
I did what I did.
I know.
Why the hell do you even know about this all? I can't ask. I just can't. I don't want to, because every second that we get deeper into this all, the pain gets stronger.
Allison told me what happened after the Senate hearing. And the other day.
Allison.
They're on a first name basis.
Wow.
No, actually, why do I wonder?
Every other day, I realize more and more how different we are, as she again becomes the person she always was. She's absolutely misplaced here, along with me, someone who has been on the run for so long that he had to become a criminal.
She softly strokes over the back of my hand. That's the spot where I've had these ugly scars from China. I've had them removed, years ago, not to attract attention in public.
She traces a line with her fingers, almost as if she instinctively knew how it had looked before.
I did what I did, I just stammer, again, trying to force myself to think back, just one or two days, when we'd have so much fun together, sailing, enjoying the sun, spending the nights… Back then I never pictured her as that first daughter. The time we spent together, in Washington, years ago, it is lightyears away. If something lies that far in the past, you will idealize it and only remember the good parts.
I almost forgot how small and insecure I often was, next to her, subconsciously knowing that she's way out of my league. It was a fear of suddenly being left – and at the same time the fear of staying, in a world where I didn't belong. Some days, it had felt like a real bliss that she had kept our relationship a secret.
Suddenly, I remember.
Allison.
That simple mention of a name brought me right back there.
Jack…
Her voice brings me back to the present. She expects me to say something.
I did what I did, I say it again, no, it's rather a whisper, you can't correct my mistakes, Audrey. You don't have to.
These are not your mistakes. You did what you did and it was right to do it.
I shake my head, look where it got me. I never brought any good to anyone around me. They all suffered or died.
If you could only feel the pain I do… of losing so many friends. Loves. Losing the connection to Kim again, after we barely reconnected.
No. I don't want you to feel that kind of pain. It was enough what you had to go though, because of me.
She sighs deeply and takes my other hand, too.
Was there a smile on her face?
Yes, there is.
Did you keep track of the boys you saved in Sengala?
I'm taken aback from at the sudden change of topic… and the fact that she even knows about it.
She must have seen it in my eyes.
Did you?, she asks again. That voice of her sound so soft. It wraps around me like a warm embrace, instantly calming my restless thoughts.
I shake my head, no. I totally lost track of them. I got parted from them right at the US embassy in Sengala. Back home they put me in holding until the Senate hearing… and after that day… I wasn't really up to it.
I know, she says.
How do you know…I ask her, but slowly it's all starting to make sense.
After dad came into office… Allison and I became friends. Through her I got access to everything I wanted to know.
She releases my hands, delicately cradling my cheeks within the warmth of her touch. That smile on her face gets even bigger.
They are doing well. Little Willie is in high school now. His brother studying at university. They've all turned out well – she grabs me harder – just because of you. I know you lost a lot, Jack… but what you said before is just not true. Don't forget to look at all the good you brought into this world.
Where does that warm feeling suddenly come from? From somewhere deep within. I'm so not used to this. Maybe I should really reflect on my life… seeing that it's more than heap of losses and pain.
She slowly moves closer and rests her forehead against mine. You're not just the sum of your mistakes, Jack. You are also the sum of the good things you've done.
I put my arms around her and pull her body closer.
You were always the one to understand and comfort me in a way that no one else can. No matter how much the weight of the world bears down on me, your understanding gaze… the warmth of your touch… the few words you only need are enough to bring me peace.
Thank you, Audrey. For just being here. And for everything else.
No biggie… she smiles, gives me a little kiss and pulls away again.
She sizes me up, as if she wanted to bathe in my regained happiness, the product of her actions.
I'm curious about the boys.
When did you find them.. and how?
I never met them in person. About three years ago, right after dad took his oath and Allison and I became friends, I asked her to get me everything on you she could. I really didn't expect to read anything like that, but that US policy officer from the Sengalan embassy left a note in your file saying that you only surrendered yourself to justice in exchange for them being taken out of Sengala and to the US. It took us a while to find the foster homes and parents where they lived in the meantime.
In her eyes was a soft look of kindness, telling me about all that she had done, without the need for words.
Even though I know that this is how she is, that this is how good her heart is, I just can't hold back from asking her why she had done all this.
That looked like it was unfinished business, she remarks, a sly smile on her lips. You're in it for the hard work. Sometimes there might be a little rest for me to finish. … I made sure they'd get everything they need. Money. Access to programmes, believe me, I've become quite good at all this charity stuff.
Now she's laughing.
Me, too.
I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close as we sit by the railing at the bow of our boat, our world. The rhythmic sway of the boat beneath us brings us deeper into each other's arms. She nestles into my embrace. It has become chilly out here tonight. This isn't Greece. It's northern Italy.
We sit there, for a long time. I still have that warmth in my stomach. The feeling whose name I forgot.
Maybe it'll destroy the beautiful moment, but I just have to ask. I'm far too curious.
Why did you get my files at all?
She shrugs, and right after it nestles into my arms again. I don't know. Closure, maybe.
That was three years ago. Years after we split up.
I remember what I did, three years ago.
Every night before drifting into sleep, I googled her name. It had become a quiet ritual, hoping each night to catch a glimpse of her world. I'd search for a picture, hoping to see her smile, to reassure myself that she was well and happy. Maybe it was the form of closure that I wanted. Some reassurance that knowing me hadn't destroyed her completely.
Did it give you the closure you wanted?
She takes a while to answer, before saying Yes. I had hoped to find you. That that damn file gives me an address… but all it said was that you were on the run.
That doesn't really sound like closure.
And it said that you had moved on. I read about you and – she takes a deep breath before saying it – Agent Walker.
I take a deep breath and hold it. Damn it, I surely didn't expect this to go down that road. Am I ready to talk, even think about Renee? Hell, no. It'll be five years soon.
Heller's words echo in the back of my head again: everything I touch ends up dead.
I'm sorry for your loss, Jack, Audrey silently tells me.
As an answer I just hold her a little tighter.
She really means it. We're at a point in our relationship where we can even talk about that. Others. Love that we shared, but not with each other.
So this is what gave her closure. Knowing that I had moved on probably let her do the same.
I never thought I'd end up holding Audrey in my arms and thinking about Renee. What a goddamn twisted world.
As I stare into the sunset, I wait for the pain to set in, the one that usually comes, when I think back to all the ones I've lost.
But it doesn't set in.
Not today.
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