The group meets for a gossip session about their guests.
Back in Mercia
Finan and Uhtred had seen the Royal Couple exit the prayer house and so they decided to check on their favorite Monk.
"What did that deviant want Baby Monk?" asked Finan. "I doubt he came here to actually pray."
"Well, um, if he starts to ask where he can buy old shit or shit in general…" Osfeth trailed off.
"Why would a King be looking to buy shit?" asked Uhtred.
"I may have told him that he and his wife needed to bathe in month old shit for a week starting on the night of the full moon, amongst a few other things," he replied somewhat bashfully.
"Thank the Gods that last night was the full moon," responded Uhtred, "Though why would they do that?"
"He's desperate for an heir. Apparently this wife has only gotten pregnant four times since they were married and none have survived. I may have told him that it was a common method used by the upper class to aid in the successful conception and birth of children and that my father used the techniques with his wife to concieve Edward. There is a bit more as well."
"And he believed you?" Uhtred replied.
"Well, he was writting down everything I said so I think so."
"What else did you tell him to do?" asked Finan, completely amused by his friend.
"Well, I did tell them that they needed to continue these baths until the woman's belly swelled with child. Also, at the same time as they start the shit baths, the woman needs to drink warm, every morning until her pregnancy is confirmed, a concoction of animal urine and seed, vinegar, fertile soil, and the powdered afterbirth of a woman with children."
Uhtred and Finan were openly laughing at this point when Sihtric, Nyra and Ingrith walked in.
Ingrith looked at the couple and then said, "I'm guessing the laughter has something to deal with why our esteemed visitors are arguing over shit and urine."
Finan then walked over to his wife and embraced her before turning to look at the couple, "If your father actually heeds Baby Monk's wise advice, he and your evil step mother will be facing some great humiliation in the name of baby making," he said as he continued to laugh.
"Apparently here in the Isles, the nobles, in order to have healthy children have their women drink a warm glass of a mix of vinegar, mud, animal seed and urine mixed with afterbirth every morning along with bathing in month old shit until the woman's belly swells," continued Uhtred, also laughing.
"That's not all either," Osfeth said, "There is more. For actually doing the deed, they wait until a week after doing all of that. Then the man takes a piss into his woman's mouth in public, over fertile ground. For lubrication, they use a mix of dried feces and urine. As for position, the woman has her tits hanging over a fence rail and he starts by taking her arse until he's about to come, before thrusting into her womanhood to come. After waiting a bit, he should sit down on a chair or bench while his woman should take him down her throat to harden him up again before she takes him with her back facing his front. Finally, she should spend the rest of the day laying on the ground where life is growing."
By this time, everyone was almost hysterical in their laughter.
"If my father truly believes that will give him a son, he will do it. Unless he's changed drastically since he sent me away, and I doubt it, oh, it would be hilarious to watch that unfold."
"You believe your father is that gullible?" asked Ingrith while still chuckling.
"Yes, he is. He allowed himself to be manipulated into bedding my mother for the first time when she was a girl of nine and he was 21 as well as forcing himself on her within less than a month after each pregnancy, no matter if it was a misscarriage, stillbirth or live birth. If his bitch hasn't provided him with heirs yet, then he will be desperate to try anything, no matter how unorthodox."
"And that was before he ordered her gutted like a fish, all for a boy who lived only hours," said Sihtric, wrapping his arms around his wife. "Death was a mercy for both of our mother's as it set them free from the abuse and torment our father's put them through." He then kissed her tenderly, knowing the loss and manner of how her mother died was still a sore spot for her.
"I know. I'm glad she's free of him now and that she's still watching over me, perhaps now that she's free of expectations and duty, she's even proud of me," she responded with a tear in her eye that Sihtric quickly wiped away with his thumb. "I will always be grateful to the Gods, Destiny or whatever it was that led us together as it has spared me that cruel fate."
Ingrith then put a hand on her friend's shoulder, "I'm sure your mother is proud of you and very happy for the life you've managed to build. You should believe that."
Nyra flashed her friend a smile.
Uhtred, wanting to turn the atmosphere more jovial again, then spoke, "I take it that our visitors have not yet caught you two humping one another or otherwise we would have heard of it all over the village."
Sihtic snorted, "I've barely had any time alone with my wife all day as the children have been fighting with one another and not wanting to do their chores. Though, in light of what Osfeth has told them to do, it may be better another day when the queen hasn't already suffered a shock and isn't arguing with her husband. They might not even notice anything due to their argument. I am, however, quite eager to have my wife."
"You're always eager to have your wife, Sihtric. Ever since the day you first met her, she's the only woman you've lain with," replied Finan.
"So? At least it means I know I don't have any bastards running around anywhere."
"I do NOT have any bastards running around!"
"And how would you know that? You have bedded a large number of whores and that's just in the time I have known you Finan," replied Uhtred. "For all we know, you could have dozens of children."