Bart the Vegetarian aka Apocalypse Cow Bart gets a pet cow to raise at 4H club but when it has to be slaughtered he is upset and Lisa helps him save Lou but constantly tries to get him to be vegetarian.
Plot
Simpsons house.
It was a nice sunny Saturday morning, Mona was helping Marge with the house work. She fiddled with the kitchen radio till it played hippy music.
White Rabbit played.
Marge sighed.
The door bell rang. Smithers was there.
"How could you take Burnsie from me! He was my world!" Smithers sobbed.
The Simpsons rolled their eyes.
"Oh and Homer Be prompt and on time for work Monday please." said Smithers.
"Yes sir..." said Homer. Smithers left.
Mona frowned.
"I'll hand in my resignation Monday..." Homer whined.
Marge sighed. "What does he see in Mr Burns..." She thought about Mr Smithers's weird crush on Mr Burns.
The door bell rang again.
"Now who could it be?" Marge pondered.
"I'm baaaaaaack!" Oscar was alive again.
"Awww nuts..." Homer groaned as everyone aside from him hugged Oscar.
"But what about Mr Burns?" Lisa asked.
"Oh I made sure his definitely dead... Unlike Sherlock Holmes when he fell down that abyss with Professor Moriarty..." said Oscar.
In the desert near the ruins of the Burns Rocket silo.
Mr Burns crawled out of the abyss bruised but alive. However a buzzard attacked him, clawing at the tycoon before he fell back into the abyss...
He screamed as he fell.
Back at the Simpsons.
"Well, We're just glad you're back Oscar." said Marge.
Homer scoffed.
"Also I got a ride home from Okra Winfrey in the Okra-mobile." said Oscar.
Okra Winfrey the sentient Okra waved at them.
The Simpsons winced.
...
The Kids all sat down to Watch TV. Krusty the Clown was on.
(Joyful circus music)
"Hey, hey, kids! It's a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning. So get ready for six hours of cartoons!" said Krusty. Yeah he's encouraging kids to watch mind rotting cartoons and burn out their retinas watching TV all day...
Marge frowned not approving. Her kids stared at the TV like mindless zombies.
"Today's Krusty's Korean Kartoon Kavalcade... Yes Mel I am aware that's three Ks..." said Krusty. He has a thing for the KKK for some reason...
"...starts with an exciting adventure of "The Trans-Clown-O-Morphs." said Krusty doing a weird voice.
"Cooooool!" said Oscar. He is obsessed with clowns...
Hugo winced concerned and baffled by the clown related cartoon.
The badass theme titles play.
"Trans-Clown-O-Morphs. Transforming clowns that morph Sent to Earth to defeat the evil Dino-Robo-Bots. Trans-Clown-O-Morphs."
Oscar watched the weird show eagerly.
"Uh Krusty I love you but what were you thinking?!" Bart groaned baffled.
"Trans-Clown-O-Morphs. More than custard cream pies." The theme tune plays.
"So random, but so good..." Oscar was entranced.
Hugo was speechless and beguiled.
"Trans-Clown-O-Morphs Transforming clowns that morph. And their human friend is you." said the theme tune as the robot clown Transformers point at the fourth wall.
Bart winced.
The cartoon starts on an alien planet of some kind. A rocky alien planet.
The Trans-Clown-O-Morphs are in a terrible war with robot pterodactyls.
"Back off, Pterodactyl-bots. You'll never conquer Big Top City." said a transforming robot clown.
"Oh, really?" asked the leader of the robot pterodactyls.
"Ya Rly." Oscar referenced the O RLY owl meme.
Bart hushed him.
"It's time to make you Trans-Clown-O-Morphs extinct." said the leader of the pterodactyls. He fired liquid metal at the robot clown encasing him in a solid metal misshapen lump of metal slag.
"Only my Saturday morning viewers can save me! Buy my cereal, find the secret code inside and text me the message "start the day with Kellogg's" or I will die." said the clown robot transformer thing.
"Enough from you!" The leader of the bad guys yelled kicking the robot clown's head.
"Hurry! Oof! Guess no one's buying my cereal. "Ow! Buy or I'll die." said the Trans-Clown-O-Morph.
The show was just a cereal commercial.
"Oh great it was a tacky cereal commercial disguised as a cartoon to brainwash kids into buying their product..." said Hugo.
...
The Kitchen. Marge is trying to feed Maggie her greens, but she won't eat them.
"Mom, we need to throw out all this Krusty cereal and get Robot Clown cereal!" said Bart and Lisa.
Marge seethed. "Every week we have to buy something else to save that transforming clown that morphs..."
"Mom the show is brand new..." said Bart.
"I want you to watch a show that isn't just one long commercial." Marge flicked through the channel.
The golf was on...
"Justin Leonard lines up the putt..." said a commentator.
Bart groaned. "Boriiiiing."
Marge headed back to the kitchen, Maggie still had not eaten her greens.
"Come on Maggie... Eat your spinach..." Marge said to her baby.
Meanwhile on the Krusty the clown show.
"They're throwing out my cereal?! No! That's the opposite of what I want them to do! Tell the board to scrap Trans-Clown-O-Morphs! What?! We're contracted for ten episodes?! Awwwww..." Krusty groaned.
Bart sighed.
"Clowns are funny..." said Homer in a creepy voice.
Oscar screamed.
"Dad stop scaring him..." Lisa sighed.
Outside Bill the waffle man was hurling waffles at people again.
"Aaaaagh! Glavin!" Frink cried as a hot waffle dripping with syrup hit him.
In the lounge Bart had put Krusty back on. Itchy and Scratchy was on.
(Cartoonish music)
Itchy killed Scratchy again. Um He burnt him with a flamethrower.
Scratchy screamed.
Bart and Lisa laughed.
"How can you laugh at this animal cruelty Lisa..." Hugo sighed.
"Hugh it's a dumb cartoon... That we happen go like..." said Bart.
Scratchy screamed again as he got chopped up or something.
Bart and Lisa laughed.
Hugo sighed.
"Kids we have something important to say!" said Itchy.
"In every box of Stabbi-ohs is a free PEZ candy dispenser! Collect them all!" said Scrachy.
"Pokémon!" Oscar sang.
"Oh brother..." Hugo groaned.
...
Kitchen.
"Please Maggie eat your greens..." Marge sighed.
Homer blundered in. "Not eating her greens eh?" He got a can of Duff and popped it open.
"Nope, I'm really worried." said Marge as Maggie shied away refusing to eat her blended spinach.
"Why don't we try sock puppets?" Homer suggested.
"Homer your frightened of sock puppets." said Marge.
"Oh yeah..." said Homer.
Meanwhile in the lounge.
A commercial for Coco Pops was on. The one where the dumb cartoon animals are taking part in a relay race on a race track.
"Lame..." Bart groaned.
"Kallae Kistnaaaaaeee..." Oscar rasped hiding the remote because he liked the cartoon commercial.
Bart sighed.
A cartoon crocodile, the main antagonist of the shameless, dumb commercials, decided to help his henchmen cheat by pouring slimy cartoon glue on the track.
Oscar winced.
A cartoon hippo in sneakers, shorts and a vest came plodding along carrying the relay rod. He ran right into the gooey glue, splat, splat. He was yanked back by it. He tugged at the glue frantically. it made stretchy cartoon sounds.
Oscar blushed and sweated, He suddenly wet his shorts.
"Eeeeew! Oz..." Hugo sighed.
The kitchen, Marge was still trying to feed Maggie her greens. Marge sighed as Maggie was being fussy.
The kids ran in.
"Mom! Mom! We need to buy Coco Pops!" said Bart. "Despite the States doesn't sell that cereal.."
"And Oscar wet himself because of a cartoon hippo being stuck in a puddle of glue..." Lisa sighed.
Marge lost it! "Aaaaaagh!"
The kids and Homer flinched.
"You hour have been bombarded with enough commercial images." Marge nagged.
"Lisa, I've got a big bunch of black bananas. You know what that means." Marge had some overripe bananas that had turned black.
"Banana bread!" Lisa cheered. She squeezed the bananas out of their skins into a bowl to make banana bread.
Hugo winced baffled.
"And Bart, you go with your father to Shelbyville to get the beanbag chairs re-beaned." said Marge. This caused um problems with Homer's hostility to Shelbyville...
...
"Hell no!" said Homer.
"Why not?!" Marge yelled.
"Because Shelbyville are lemon tree stealing scum!" said Homer.
"They drugged our drinking water with LSD..." said Bart.
"They stole our Two-headed goat..." said Homer.
"The two-headed goat was born in Shelbyville..." said Lisa as she made banana bread.
"Yes but he died in Springfield..." said Homer.
"They humiliated and insulted in a really crappy play when Mom dragged us to that weird posh area of Shelbyville..." said Bart.
Marge sighed.
"Marge we will take the bean bags to be re-stuffed, but we will take them to a store in Springfield." said Homer.
"Wait give me one more reason for not going to the one in Shelbyville..." Marge frowned.
"The clerks are always shouting in Hebrew on their cell phones." said Bart.
Oscar seethed. "And that's a problem to you?! Why?!" He yelled.
"I dunno, I'm anti Semitic this episode for some reason." said Bart.
Oscar growled enraged.
Eventually Bart and Homer left, with the bean bags that need to be re-stuffed.
"And as for you two." Marge asked Oscar and Hugo.
"Hugo change his diaper and find him something to do aside from watching TV..." said Marge.
Hugo sighed and took Oscar by the hand and lead him upstairs.
Marge sighed, Oscar had just returned home from his apparent grave and already there was drama.
Upstairs Oscar passed Hank.
"Degenerate freak..." Hank insulted him.
"Why don't you do the ultimate punchline to your joke of a life and KYS!" Oscar yelled at him.
"Come on Oz..." Hugo sighed.
Oscar's bedroom. Oscar climbed on the changing table and laid down on his back.
Hugo pulled off his shorts, Oscar was wearing a Winnie the Pooh printed Huggies diaper. there was a pee stain on the front. Hugo sighed as he performed the task of changing Oscar's diaper.
Oscar laid there patiently.
Plot 2
Homer and Bart were driving about in Homer's pink car somewhere.
"So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?" Bart asked Homer.
"That's right." said Homer.
"But Wikipedia said he was "passionate about rehearsal."" said Bart.
"Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things." said Homer menacingly.
At the Simpsons, Oscar's room. Oscar was vandalising Wikipedia. "And the last prisoner incarcerated at Spandau Ballet prison was not Rudolf Hess, but... a midget pie throwing clown! There, that oughta liven up the article." said Oscar.
Hugo gawked baffled and concerned.
Hibbert's house. Dr Hibbert was on the computer. "It says Ostriches do bury their heads in the sand! And that Jurassic Park is factually correct and Dilophosaurs did have neck frills and spat venom into their enemies eyes."
Bernice rolled her eyes at him believing anything on Wikipedia.
Homer's car. A green combine harvester drove past.
The Wurzels followed it in a car singing Combine Harvester (Brand New Key).
Bart winced. He was drawn to the green harvester as they caught up with the slower vehicle.
"Hey, check it out! I wouldn't mind driving that over a prairie dog village." said Bart pointing out the green combine harvester.
"Honk to the driver!"
Homer honked the driver to taunt them.
"Martin?!" Martin Prince was driving it.
"I thought he died..." said Homer.
Bart winced at Homer.
"What's a tool like you doing on something cool like that?" said Bart.
"Yeah, what's the deal, loser?" said Homer.
"I'm operating a Combine Harvester. It's part of my duties as a member of 4-H." said Martin.
"4- H Club? Is it dangerous?" Bart asked.
"Indeed, it has the most finger loss of any youth organization." said Martin.
"Can I join, Dad? Can I? Can I? Can I?" Bart begged in a childish manner.
"Son, a lot of these youth organizations encourage parents to get involved in the activities." said Homer.
"Not this one." said Martin.
"Sold!" Homer agreed to let Bart be a farmer.
...
Home.
"Well, It will keep Bart away from the TV." said Marge.
"Also we already have a leaflet from that time the court banned Bart and Milhouse from speaking to each other because they trashed Flanders's stupid Beatles shrine." said Homer.
"A club could be a good idea for Lisa and Hugo too." said Marge.
"I'm already still doing ballet." said Lisa.
"Unlike my late sister Bigmouth..." said Oscar.
Several years ago. Bigmouth Tamaki is doing ballet.
"Moooom! I'm bored of this after school club!" she whined.
Lisa in the present winced.
"Okay dear, but no trying to smoke..." said Marge. The skinny ballet girls were smoking cigarettes...
"And you Hugo?" Marge asked Hugo.
"I'll join the 5H club. It's like the 4H club but with homosexuals. Gahahahaha! oooooooh I'm nasty!" Hugo acted camp.
Homer growled.
Marge sighed. "Don't rile your father dear..."
"He could actually be-" said Oscar.
"Oz I am not gay, I just like pushing Dad's buttons because his homophobia is wrong..." said Hugo.
"I'll join a science club..." said Hugo.
"Good, Oscar?"
"I'll be in my room letting Teddy sniff mah diaper..." said Oscar.
"Uh... no." said Marge.
"Why not join theatre club..." said Lisa.
"Oh no. Not after last time..." said Oscar.
School auditorium.
"Hey Oz!" A burly kid asked.
"Yeah?" Oscar asked while juggling.
"Get off the stage!" said the burly kid.
Back in the present as the flashback faded. Oscar sighed.
Marge sighed.
Suddenly there were kung fu hamsters and a Mexican window cleaner, the kind of Gringo that fails to get a green card with the long moustaches.
"Si?" He said.
...
4H club. Bart is being initiated.
"I pledge my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands.." oh, man, how many "H's" does this thing have?" Bart groaned.
"Yeah, there's a bunch." said the farmer in charge of the club.
"Oi! Get orf moi land Farm Boy!" Oscar mocked Bart. The green goggle wearing boy laughed.
Bart sighed.
"Let's skip the oath and, uh, get you behind the wheel of something you can't handle." said the farmer.
Bart was driving a combine harvester.
The Wurzels sing Brand New Key/Combine Harvester.
Bart winced.
He harvests the crops. Out of the harvester came square bales.
Fed the pigs.
He drove through clothes lines. Clothes cane out neatly folded. Laws of physics be damned!
He drove through a river and collected the water. it came out as cubes of water with fish swimming inside.
He then harvested manure. The harvester deposited instead of bales, Pirates of the Caribbean 3 DVDs.
"How dare you! Pirates of the Caribbean is awesome!" Oscar yelled.
"No it is not..." said Bart.
The farmer then fed everyone sandwiches.
Bart was then parking the harvester.
"Raise articulator, set hydraulic brakes and endorse farm subsidy check for crops I didn't grow." He is signing a check.
Later.
Okay, 4-H-ers, here's your summer project: pick a calf and raise him up big, strong and, of course, God-fearing." said the farmer.
"I don't think cows are sapient enough to comprehend human concepts like God..." said Oscar.
Bart face palmed.
"And at the end of the summer, the best calf wins a blue ribbon." said the farmer.
Bart grinned. Now he finslly ciuld have a ribbon board in his room like Lisa's.
Anyway for some reason this episode, Bart wants to be a farmer...
However while he is day dreaming, everyone else gets the best calves.
"I want a tough one." said Nelson, he sparred with a burly calf. It kicked him flying.
"I didn't come here today expecting to fall in love." Nelson was impressed.
Bart was left with the runt. A little, dopey calf with a dark spot over its eye. "Hey, it's the runt. I'll take anything but the runt." He didn't the runt. However everyone was settled with their choice of calf. "looks like we're partners." Bart sighed to the calf.
The calf licked him.
"You're a scrappy little misfit, just like me." Bart cooed, liking the cute calf.
"Anyone want to trade? No reasonable offer refused." Bart still wanted to trade thiugh. Because he's a jerk...
"I'll take a chicken." said Ralph.
Bart winced at him.
...
Pig sty. Bart is feeding the pigs.
"Hey Spider Pig." said Bart. Spider Pig was there for some reason.
(Pigs oinking)
Ben Tennyson went alien to cheat and get the job done faster. As Wildvine he stretched about the sty filling the troughs with pellet food.
"Ben, no taking shortcuts by going alien..." said Grampa Max.
Bart winced at the biy turning into a plant monster.
Chicken Barn.
Mary Spuckler was putting the chickens away one by obe, by hurling them into their pen and naming each breed.
"Pullet, Bantam, Orpington, Pullet, Flemish Giant, Pullet, Leghorn..."
"I say! I say, missy! That's Foghorn Leghorn!" said Foghorn Leghorn from Looney Tunes.
Oscar laughed.
Bart sighed exasperated as he bottle fed his calf.
"Pullet, Pullet, Silky..." A chicken with black flesh. "Pullet-" Mary continued.
Chickens squawked alarmed as if a fox got in.
"What in tarnation?!" Mary yelled.
Toon Link was slashing the chickens with his sword. chickens in Zelda...
Oscar winced.
"Now I've told y'all before pointy eared boy! Leave those chickens alone!" Mary shooed him out of the barn.
Bart winced.
Mary got back to tossing the chickens and roosters in their nest boxes. "Pullet, Bantam, Pullet..."
"Keep it down! I'm trying to feed my runt." said Bart.
He was trying to stick the baby bottle in his calf's ear...
Oscar laughed.
"Here, I'll show you what to do." said Mary, she took the baby bottle of milk and offered it to the calf's mouth. He accepted the teat of the bottle and drank his milk.
"All right, I get it, I get it." Bart ranted. sulking.
"By the way, I'm Mary." said Mary.
"I'm Bart." said Bart.
"You both already know each other in my fanon... We had to move to your allotment when his house was subsiding..." said Oscar. "Besides I want to ship you two..."
Bart sighed.
...
Still in the barn.
"This is my calf." said Bart. The calf was drinking from the baby bottle.
"I see. Did you name it?" Mary asked.
"Of course I did." said Bart. "I named her Lulu-belle." He cracked up laughing.
Oscar laughed too.
Mary sighed exasperated. "Yes we country gals some times have reeeeeeaaal funny names Bart..." The Spuckler girl sighed.
"Oh and by the way, that's a boy cow..." said Mary.
"Oh, I thought she was peeing out of her nipple." said Bart.
Oscar winced concerned.
"How 'bout you just call him "Lou"?" said Mary.
"That's great. It rhymes "moo."" said Bart delighted.
Mary sighed irked with him.
"Can you two act more in love... my Fanon is all about shipping you two... Oh and Hugo being real and screaming leprechauns..." said Oscar.
Bart sighed.
Oscar left the barn. It was now getting dark on the farm.
Martin was reading a big book. Possibly a Jules Verne novel or something.
"Minnie Mouse is reading again..." said Oscar.
"Enough of the voice actor jokes!" Martin yelled.
Oscar laughed.
Elsewhere. Bart was sat outside with Mary, Bart was wearing his blue dungarees he suddenly had in EI-EI-D'oh!
"The stars are beautiful tonight." he was chewing a straw ear.
"Kiss her! Kiss her!" Oscar yelled from behind a hay bale.
Bart frowned at him.
At home. The Simpsons had dinner.
"How was 4H club?" Marge asked.
"Great." Bart said offhanded as he didn't like to boast.
"Wonderful!" said Marge.
"He likes Mary..." said Oscar.
Bart punched him on the arm.
Lisa giggled. "Oz he liked Mary back when we briefly moved to the Spuckler allotment because the house was subsiding."
Plot 3
The next day.
Bart was dropped off at the 4H farm.
Mary was there with some of her many, many weird siblings.
"Hey." Dubya Spuckler called.
"Hey..." Bart was grossed out by the Spuckler's except Mary whom he had a crush on.
"Hey!" Dubya greeted Hugo. Be ignored him. "Hello..."
"I shall not deign to converse with you lowlife! Begone from my sight! Plebeian!" Hugo snapped.
Bart winced at Hugo.
Dubya having had no education simply couldn't comprehend what Hugo said nor whether it was friendly or not.
Bart rode about on his bike in blue overalls over his orange shirt. music played.
He first had to brand his cow with a red hot iron. He didn't want to hurt Lou so he branded a piece of wood and put some string on it for Lou to wear round his neck.
Lou licked him.
"D'aaawwwwww!" Oscar cooed finding that cute.
Bart then fed Lou some grass.
Lou didn't want it. He shied away.
Bart tried to "Here comes the airplane" with the morsel. But Lou wouldn't eat.
Bart ate some of the grass and dirt. he strangely found it delectable and ate some more.
Oscar winced.
Chicken barn. Mary was tossing the chickens in their nest boxes.
"How's Bart doing?" She asked Oscar who was moseying around.
"He's eating grass and mud meant for his calf..." said Oscar.
Mary grimaced.
They found Bart eating grass in a dirt bar meant for Lou.
"Errr..." said Bart.
Lou wanted some grass but Bart wanted to eat it for some weird reason and pushed him away.
The montage continued with Marge taking Maggie swimming. Maggie wearing water wings was swimming about.
Bart was nearby trying to teach Lou, who was a lot bigger now, to swim.
Lou played rough in the pool and pushed Bart under.
Bart trapped by the heavy bovine unfortunately drowned.
...
The lifeguard revived Bart because the story is about Bart and a cow.
Bart coughed up water.
Later Bart was in a barn grooming Lou with a brush. Ie brushing his coat.
Lou then brushed him.
Nelson was counting his cow doing push ups.
Bart was counting Lou. He smiled smugly.
Ralph was walking like a chicken alongside his um chicken... Despite being in a cow grooming competition.
Bart winced baffled.
Lou then was boxing against hung cow meat.
Lisa looked horrified. "Uh Bart..."
Rocky was there to... Yo Adrian!
Then in another Montage clip Bart is cleaning up Baby Lou's dung. Bart looks disgusted.
A fade to black later, Lou as a calf looks baffled as Bart put a diaper on him.
Screw you Hank! I will keep babyfying characters!
Bart was then in the barn sleeping with larger Lou.
Mary found him and smiled thinking they looked adorable. She put a blanket on them.
The big day at the county fair.
There was a possibly Christian fun house and giant vegetables...
The cows were being judged.
Nelson is with his burley, tough cow.
Nina has a girl cow.
Ralph has wooden vault horse with a bucket stuck on one end and a face drawn the bucket as a "Cow".
Oscar laughed.
Bart is being judged.
So what do you think of my calf?
"Now son, I'm not here to judge." said the farmer guy.
"Actually, yes, you are." said a guy.
"Eh, what? Oh, right, I am." said the farmer.
"Well, I don't know much about cows, but I think we have a winner!" said the farmer.
Bart cheered.
"He doesn't know about cows?!" Hugo grimaced concerned.
"You're the greatest cow in the world! I'm going to be your friend forever." said Bart hugging Lou.
"D'awwwwww!" Oscar cooed.
"Bart, you do know what happens next?" said Lisa concerned.
"Something happens next?" Bart asked.
"Son, your calf is going to be taken to a feedlot..." said the farmer. Bart nodded.
"Lots of feed... that sounds good." said Bart.
"... then slaughtered." said the farmer.
Bart gasped horrified.
"But he won!" Bart whined. "Why don't you kill the loser cows?"
"Oh, we will, but your cow gets to go first." said the farmer.
"Noooooooo!" Bart cried.
Lisa hugged him comforting him.
...
Home. Kitchen
"Mom, they're going to kill Lou and make him into food and fringe vests for gay cowboys. Can we buy him back? Can we?" Bart begged.
Marge pondered.
Homer desperately shook his arms about as if to say no way.
"Gay cowboys..." said Oscar menacingly.
Homer screamed. "Okay! Okay! Anything to deprive those fags of fruity clothes!"
Marge frowned at Homer.
"I don't know dear... a cow is very expensive to look after...'" said Marge to Bart.
"I will torch your petunias..." Oscar had a flamethrower.
Marge frowned at him.
"Oz I want to save Lou, but no threatening people..." Lisa sighed annoyed.
Oscar frowned at her.