Shamakh, mein freunds! Here I am at last with another chapter for you. Thank you all so very, very much for the continued support and encouragement. This time of year can be so difficult for anybody, but especially for people like me who suffer from depression. For me, it is doubly hard, because I lost my mama just two years ago this December. It's still so difficult sometimes to think of her and have to accept that she's not here anymore. I like to think she would be very proud of me for doing so well that I can actually live off my writing. It's taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to this point.
Now, in this chapter, ODG Lizzy has reached a turning point. Sort of...
Chapter Twenty
Elizabeth did not go down to dinner.
After her cry out, Mrs. Gardiner advised her to lie down again, and she was in no state to argue. After ordering a warm compress for her eyes, she lay for some time with the warm, wet cloth over her face and considered everything her aunt and Charlotte had said, her reaction to their wisdom, and what it meant for her going forward.
She still believed only a year of widowhood too soon to contemplate another marriage. She still believed that she was not ready to move on from Henry. But she would be a simpleton indeed if she held on to his ghost so tightly that she passed up the chance to be loved again. He certainly hadn't passed it up. Well, it could be said that he had ignored every chance that came his way for six years, but then, if he had not, she never would have met him.
Perhaps it wasn't that it took six years for his heart to heal, but simply six years before God felt he was ready, she thought. I suspect we both needed to be ready for each other at just the right moment.
Did God think she was ready to move on? Elizabeth had no idea if the kindness and understanding of her aunt and her friend—and yes, her sister also—was His way of giving her warning or simply telling her to keep her eyes, and her heart, open.
One thing she was sure of, however, was that she'd had quite enough of talking about it. If it was meant to be that she would meet some incredible man and fall in love again, so be it—but she would not go looking for love, and she would not have it continually discussed in her presence. It was too unsettling, and she intended to make this clear to her relations at the first opportunity.
An hour or so after Mrs. Gardiner and Charlotte had left her alone, Elizabeth rose and rang for her maid. After tidying her hair, she went to find her children. The boys, strangely, were not in their room—and given the lateness of the hour, they ought to have been—so she went into the girls' room to see if they were there before allowing herself to be concerned.
She found them together before the fire in Isabella and Margaret's room, all of them dressed for bed and wrapped in dressing gowns and boy-sized banyans. Thomas sat cross-legged on the floor with a sleeping Meg's head in his lap, while the twins occupied the two chairs. Bella appeared to be working on a sketch while Harry read to them all.
"Mamma!" said Isabella, who looked up a moment after she opened the door.
Harry stood and turned to face her. "Are you feeling better now, Mamma? Aunt Mary said you had to lie down with a headache, and then Aunt Gardiner and Mrs. Edison came, and they went to your room and when they came out, they said you still weren't feeling very well."
Elizabeth walked over and embraced Harry, then bent to kiss the top of Tom's head. "I am feeling better now, thank you, Harry. I am sorry to have concerned you."
When she moved to the side of Isabella's chair to bestow a kiss on her head, she was startled by the portrait her daughter had been sketching—it was Darcy.
"My dear Isabella, when did you begin to draw this picture?" she asked.
Isabella blushed and dropped her chin to her chest. "After the dinner where he came and braided Miss Darcy's hair," she mumbled. When she looked up again, she asked, "You do not think Mr. Darcy will be angry I drew his picture without asking, do you?"
To give herself time to think of how to respond to the question, Elizabeth asked if she might take a closer look at the picture. Isabella sighed and handed her the sketch book. All that was visible was Darcy's head and shoulders, as though viewed from an angle. His head was turned toward the viewer, and he was smiling, his eyes crinkled slightly at the corners as he put those distracting dimples on display.
"No," Elizabeth said at last, as she continued to study the extraordinarily life-like portrait. "Given how warmly he praised the portrait you did of your father, I daresay he would be honored to be the subject of your pencil."
She looked down at Isabella as she handed the sketchbook back to her. "May I ask why you chose him to draw?"
Isabella shrugged. "I don't know," she said. "I think because he has been very kind to us. He is very sweet to Miss Darcy, and I think he loves her like my papa loved me, and it makes me think of him and I don't hurt as much. And Mr. Darcy has very interesting features, as my art master Mr. Lang would say. Did you notice that he has dimples? Papa had them too."
"I see that he does," Elizabeth replied.
As she drew another breath to continue, she noticed Harry looking at her strangely. "Is something the matter Harry?" she asked.
"No, Mamma," Harry replied. "Just thinking."
"Well, you can think from your bed, which you ought to have been in half an hour ago."
"Must we, Mamma?" Thomas asked.
Elizabeth nodded. "Yes, you must. I will take care of Meg; you go with your brother to your room, please."
She knelt to pick up her already-sleeping daughter and carried her over to her bed; Isabella walked at her side and pulled down the duvet so she could tuck Meg in. Her elder daughter then crossed over to her own bed and climbed into it, and Elizabeth bent to kiss her brow and wished her sweet dreams before she went around the room snuffing out candles.
Harry and Tom had waited for her, so she walked with them the short distance to their room, and she tucked them in and kissed them as well. Elizabeth then decided to seek out her aunt, sister, and friend. She found all three, as well as her cousin Anne, in the drawing room, reading and doing needlework.
"Cousin Elizabeth!" said Anne as she set aside her work and stood. "I did not think I would see you until tomorrow—Mamma said you were unwell."
Elizabeth walked up to Anne and embraced her warmly, as it had been more than a year since last they'd seen each other. She then stood back to look her over and marveled at the pretty young woman standing before her.
"I was rather out of order earlier, but I am better now," Elizabeth said.
"Oh, cousin… I am so very excited—and grateful to you, of course—for your kindness in bringing me out in society," said Anne then, as the two moved to sit down on the sofa opposite Mary and Charlotte. "My cousin Lydia has told me I must ay special attention to gentlemen in blue coats."
Elizabeth glanced at Mrs. Gardiner, who smiled and shook her head. "As I have told you, Anne," the lady began, "do not take what she says to heart. While naval officers can be very fine gentlemen, they are not the only men out there who are worthy of your hand."
"But will those gentleman like me?" Anne countered. "I have only ten thousand pounds and Papa still owns his carriage business even if he no longer manages it every day. My cousin says that sailors and soldiers are not so scrupulous about a lady's fortune and origins."
"Lydia would say such a thing to an impressionable young lady," muttered Mary.
"Anne," said Elizabeth, "you may not have been born a gentleman's daughter, but your father is a gentleman now—and in my mind, he always was. So, he still owns his business, what of it? You've no idea how many men in society technically own businesses but do not work them—are not plantations where things like sugar and cotton are grown and harvested a form of business? Men who own land and buildings and rent them to farmers and tradesmen are doing business, even if they hire stewards to manage it all."
Anne's eyes widened. "What?" she said with an incredulous gasp. "Do you really believe that even inherited wealth comes from business?"
"Of a sort, yes," Elizabeth replied.
"Your cousin is right, Annie," said Mrs. Gardiner. "Somebody had to do the work that earned the money, even if the person who receives the money did none of the work."
"Upon my word... I had no idea," said Anne as she looked from Elizabeth to her mother and back again. "La! To think my Season has not even begun, and I have already learned something!"
Elizabeth grinned. "Indeed, you have, but you cannot speak of it to any man that you meet—especially landed gentlemen and nobles. Their egos and their vanity are incapable of handling the truth."
"Now, dearest, you know that the purpose of a Season is for young women such as yourself to meet eligible young men and make a good match with one of them," said Mrs. Gardiner. "But remember what your father and I told you before we left Netherfield—do not feel pressured to make a match your first Season. We do no care if it takes you time to find a husband, so long as you are truly happy in your choice."
Anne nodded. "And you do not care if I marry a gentleman or a tradesman, so long as he has the means to support me and a family, and he makes me happy."
"Speaking of the purpose of the Season," said Elizabeth, drawing the attention of all the ladies, "I know you are all aware that it has been suggested Mr. Darcy and I are courting in secret. We are not. I do not, at present, have any intention of marrying again, but I will also not discount the possibility should I happen to meet an exceptionally extraordinary man sometime in the future. I have nothing else to say on the subject and would very much appreciate it if everyone else would stop bringing it up—let God's will take its course. I intend to make it clear to all the family that my only purpose in coming to London was to enjoy the fellowship of family and to assist my dear cousin Anne in perchance meeting a young man of good fortune who is in want of a wife."
"I am truly sorry, Lizzy," said Mary, "if anything I have said has added to your distress. It is no wonder you sought the counsel of our aunt and Charlotte."
"You are forgiven, Mary, as I know your heart was in the right place," Elizabeth replied. "I know that Frances's heart—"
"Who is Frances?" asked Anne.
"She is my sister-by-marriage, the Countess of Disley. She's a very good woman, very shrewd—she was my guide as I transitioned from a gentleman's daughter to a marchioness."
Elizabeth sighed. "I understand that she was only trying to minimize the damage, so to speak," she went on. "If there is one thing aside from the family itself that is most important to that woman, it's the family's reputation—and when anyone besmirches the family reputation, she is as wild as a mother protecting her child."
Anne giggled. "You speak as if she thinks of the family reputation as one of her children."
"That's not an entirely inaccurate assessment, Miss Gardiner," spoke up Charlotte. "Like a child, a family's reputation is important. It is special, precious, and can even be beautiful when all within the family are good people. The rumor going around about your cousin and Mr. Darcy has the potential to damage the reputation of the family."
"Thus, her asking if I had given thought to lending it credence in order to minimize both the damage and the talk," said Elizabeth. "Though were I of a mind to accept Mr. Darcy's attentions—if he even had any to bestow upon me, which I note he does not—"
"Are you certain about that, Lizzy?" asked Mary. "I know, I know—you said you did not wish to delve into the subject of marrying again. I'm just asking, what if you are wrong, and he does wish to court you?"
"I would address the possibility should the situation arise, Mary," Elizabeth replied. "Until then, I see no point in propounding the idea."
She turned back to Anne and said, "Now, dear cousin, tomorrow I intend to take you to my dressmaker, Madame le Blanc, and you will choose no less than five new ball gowns and at least as many new day gowns for making calls."
"Oh cousin, I could not—it is too generous!" Anne cried.
"Nonsense, dearest!" Elizabeth returned with a smile. "In order to show you off to your best advantage, you must have new clothes!"
Charlotte, Mary, and Mrs. Gardiner burst out laughing. Elizabeth looked at them with a queer expression for a moment before it sank in what she'd said. She began to laugh as well, leaving poor Anne to sit beside her looking thoroughly confused.
"I… I do not understand," said she.
"My dear girl," said her mother. "We are laughing because dear Lizzy sounded so very much like her mamma just now."
Anne tilted her head in thought, then gave a little laugh. "Oh, I see what you mean! She does sound like Aunt Bennet—and Cousin Lydia too!"
After a last chuckle, Elizabeth sobered and said, "In all seriousness, Anne, every girl making her debut during the Season orders a great many new gowns. Madame is likely to already be very busy, but she has never failed to make time for me if I need her services."
Charlotte scoffed. "Of course not, Lizzy. You're a marchioness—she wouldn't dare refuse you," said she. "I wonder if the lady's team of seamstresses will have the time and inclination to do gowns for young girls?"
Elizabeth brightened. "Oh, have you brought my little cousin Catherine with you? You mentioned her earlier, but given the nature of our conversation, I did not think to ask if she had come with you. Have the boys come as well?"
"No, Lucas and Daniel are at home with David, having some quality 'gentlemen only' time together," replied Charlotte with a grin. "I brought Cathy along because she is growing so tall, and it seems that every time I turn around, her hem has risen another two inches."
"Mr. Collins was a tall young man, as I recall," said Mary.
Charlotte nodded. "Oh yes, she definitely gets it from him. I am very clearly rather short."
"I believe Isabella could use a few new gowns as well," Elizabeth mused. "Mary, why do you not bring Prudence along? We can make a day of it by spending far too much time at Madame's getting all our eldest daughters fitted for new clothes, and we can go to a tea shop after."
"Oh, that does sound lovely," said Mary. "And then we can make over some our girls' older gowns for the younger ones."
"When do you think I shall make my debut, cousin?" asked Anne.
Elizabeth drew a breath. "Next week, at Almack's. It is where I debuted, and as a matter of fact, I still have the gown I wore in the dressing room upstairs."
Anne smiled. "Really? I should like to see it."
"I'll be glad to show it to you in the morning."
The five ladies talked of gowns and balls and parties until supper time, after which they all retired to their rooms. After her maid had helped her ready for bed, Elizabeth went over to where the golden gown she had worn for her debut hung. It was still in excellent condition—she must have worn it at least once a year since that first time, save for her year of mourning. As she stood there fingering the fine material, she had the sudden thought that she and Anne were about the same height, and it occurred to her that her cousin would look quite beautiful in the dress.
"But she might not wish to wear a ten-year-old gown," Elizabeth mused aloud as she dropped the edge of skirt she had been holding.
As it turned out, she was wrong. When morning came and she had shown the gown to her cousin, Anne turned to her mother with a rapturous gaze. "Oh, it's beautiful! Isn't it splendid, Mamma?"
Mrs. Gardiner smiled and nodded. "It is lovely, dearest. Oh, Lizzy—I remember seeing you in that gown at the Harvest Ball you held at Stashwick Castle oh, about seven years ago—just a few months after Thomas was born."
"I recalled last night that I had worn it at least once a year," said Elizabeth. Looking at Anne, who was fingering the delicate material as she had done the night before, she asked, "Do you think you would like to try it on?"
Anne's eyes widened. "Oh, cousin—I couldn't possibly! It's yours. It's a gown fit for a marchioness, not a mere gentleman's daughter."
"Anne, I was a mere gentleman's daughter when I first wore that gown," Elizabeth told her. "You have my uncle's dark hair—which I do think is a Gardiner trait, as I have my mother's hair and ours is the same shade of chestnut brown that you and your father have."
"Oh, do let's try it on you, Annie," said Mrs. Gardiner.
Anne relented without further protest, and the golden gown proved to be a near perfect fit.
"Oh, Anne, you look so beautiful, my dear girl!" Mrs. Gardiner exclaimed. "Perhaps you should wear this gown for your debut—it may bring you as much good fortune as it did our Lizzy."
"I quite agree with your mother," said Elizabeth. "The bust will need some small alteration, as you're smaller than I am there, but it's nothing Kiran here cannot handle."
Kiran, her long-serving lady's maid, stepped closer to look at how the gown fit Anne. "Indeed, my lady," said she. "There will be no need to have the modiste do the alteration. I could have it done in a day or less."
"And having a gown ready-made for the next ball at Almack's will give Madame more time to make your next ball gown," said Elizabeth to her cousin.
Anne threw her arms around Elizabeth. "Oh, Cousin Lizzy, how can I ever thank you?" she said. "How will I ever repay such kindness?"
Elizabeth smiled at her. "You have no need to think of repaying me, my dear cousin. We are family, and this gown—and all those we shall order today—will be my gift to you for your marriage."
"Oh, Lizzy—that is very kind of you," said Mrs. Gardiner. "I was quite ready to pay for Anne's new clothes myself."
"Think nothing of it, Aunt, I assure you it is my pleasure," Elizabeth told her. "What is the point of being so wealthy if I cannot spread some of that good fortune onto my family?"
Anne was then helped out of the golden gown, and it was passed over to Kiran to be worked on. Once her cousin was dressed again, Elizabeth, Anne, and Mrs. Gardiner went to separate tasks to take up the rest of the hours until breakfast. During that time, Elizabeth wrote a note to Lady Disley, apologizing for her behavior the day before but making it clear she had no interest in discussing marriage. Her focus would be on spending time with her children, ensuring the children got to spend time with their cousins, and preparing Anne for her first Season.