Mistake
Chapter 17
Mike woke up three days later, at about two am and groaned. It would have been Katie's twentieth birthday. He had wanted to ignore the day but it was impossible. Twenty years before, he had become a father for the first time, to a daughter that he adored and barely knew or understood.
Maddie had stayed over every night that week and she was cuddled close against him. The baby was just starting to kick and Mike loved the feeling, but it was just a painful reminder of feeling Katie kick the first time.
Not wanting to wake Maddie up, he slipped out of bed and put a pair of pajamas pants on. Billy was sound asleep, unaware of the thick air of grief in his home. Mike wasn't shocked to find Hannah awake in her bedroom. He knocked on the door and smiled at her.
"You should try and sleep, honey." Mike said.
"You couldn't sleep either?" Hannah asked. He didn't miss that her cheeks were wet.
"No, I couldn't. What's on your mind?" Mike asked as he sat down by Hannah.
"Katie." Hannah said simply.
"Me too. I…have been thinking about her a lot. I keep thinking that if I had found you all…she'd be here. I would make her pancakes for her birthday like your mom used to do before any of our birthdays. I would take her out for lunch and give her some piece of jewelry…I think. But…this just feels empty." Mike admitted.
"Dad, you can't feel bad about not being able to find us. You were doing important things. Things that saved people's lives." Hannah said.
"It wasn't worth it. If I could have just found you all and saved Katie's life…" Mike replied.
"But it wasn't meant to be. Dad, is something going on? I heard Maddie mention a dream last night." Hannah asked, full of concern.
"There's been several dreams. She's so angry. I walk into a room and there's food all over the table. Big long table full of all kinds of foods. At first, she wasn't eating. Then I suppose, when she sees that you and Billy are happy, she starts eating and looks better. When Maddie wasn't coming around, she stopped eating again. Its confusing because she's said several times that she hates me and knows I hate her, which I don't, but…its just weird. She says once she knows you guys are okay, she'll go to your mom and brother, where she wants to be." Mike explained.
"I don't think she hated you. She was disappointed and she missed you." Hannah said.
"Then why does she keep saying it?" Mike asked.
"I'm not sure. Or why she thought you hated her but maybe today, you need to communicate to her that you do love her. Find a way to honor her memory. Make those pancakes. Even cry a few tears." Hannah answered.
"That's not me." Mike replied.
"Maybe that's the you Katie is needing." Hannah pointed out.
"Its such a strange dream. The food…" Mike remarked.
"When…things got bad, Katie would talk about all the food she loved most and how she was craving it. I always thought it was kind of silly because to me it seemed like she was tormenting herself, but that might be a basis." Hannah explained.
"Maybe. You had better get to sleep. Mrs. Baker won't like you being tired." Mike said.
"I wish I could take a day off." Hannah said.
"I might consider it. Just try to sleep for me, okay? I love you, sweetheart." Mike said. He hadn't communicated it enough to Katie, but Hannah would never wonder.
"I love you too, Daddy. And Katie did too." Hanna answered. Mike kissed her forehead before walking out of the bedroom. It was a little cathartic talking to Hannah, but it didn't make it any easier to sleep.