Mistake
Chapter 20
"I don't know, Mike. Maybe in Billy's dreams, Katie is at peace because Billy's life is peaceful. I think for Katie to be at peace in your dreams, there is something that has to click with you." Maddie remarked as she looked at the picture Billy had drawn.
"I've told her that I love her, that I regret what happened and that I miss her. I showed her that I am grieving for her." Mike said as he paced.
"Maybe she needs you to forgive yourself for what happened to her. Not…what happened with her before the Red Flu, but for how she died. That bothers you. You aren't eating right and I think its because of how she died." Maddie remarked.
"She starved to death. That does bother me, rightfully so." Mike admitted.
"It bothers you because you feel you should have been able to prevent it." Maddie said.
"My daughter…my baby girl must have been in horrific pain. I…have talked to doctors and researched what happens when someone starves to death. It is horrible." Mike remarked as he sat down next to Maddie.
"So, what is bothering you?" Maddie encouraged.
"If I had stayed off that damn ship. If I had kept searching, I would have found them. Maybe even saved Christine's life. I would have raised Billy. Katie would be alive. Maybe we'd still be fighting but she would be alive. I could see her, touch her, hug her. I would give anything to hug her again. Even in my dreams, I can't hug Katie. I can't touch her." Mike explained. His voice had caught a few times.
"Mike, I am worried about you. You aren't sleeping because of the dreams and you aren't eating well because of Katie's death. You have to find peace. Maybe then, the dreams you have about her will be like the dreams you have of Lucas and Christine." Maddie said as she rolled up the picture.
"She keeps saying that its about Billy and Hannah finding peace. How much she hates me and how much I hate her. She is so angry." Mike replied.
"I suspect that Katie never hated you. She was maybe angry and disillusioned but she didn't hate you." Maddie said.
"I wish I was so sure." Mike said.
"I am." Hannah said from the doorway. Both Mike and Maddie turned to her in surprise. They were in their bedroom talking. Hannah was not given to eavesdropping and was always very respectful.
"How so?" Maddie asked. She indicated for Hannah to come in and gestured at her to sit down where she had been.
"When…it was near the end, Katie was having these dreams. She saw you in those dreams. Said that you were taking her fishing. She loved when you did that before. She…did hope you would find us before she died but she was not that angry. She just wasn't. I agree with Maddie. I think you have to find peace with Katie's death before she can find peace." Hannah explained.
"My daughter is dead. I can't find peace with that." Mike argued angrily. Maddie could tell it bothered and scared Hannah.
"Mike, you have found peace with Lucas dying. With Christine dying. You are struggling with Katie's death because you feel responsible for it. Until you release yourself from that, you won't have the happy dreams where you and Katie are fishing." Maddie commented.
"And I will have to admit she's really gone." Mike commented. Hannah looked at Maddie in confusion.
"What do you mean?" Maddie asked gently.
"Hannah, you were awfully young. Maybe you were mistaken and she's out there somewhere, like you and Billy were." Mike commented in a broken voice.
"Daddy…she died. I am sure of it. I felt her get stiff and cold. I don't mean to be cruel but she died." Hannah said in a soft voice.
"You were still young. You might be mistaken. She could be out there somewhere!" Mike insisted before storming out of the room.
"Is that normal?" Hannah asked.
"He's in denial. I should have realized it sooner. He is hanging onto that hope that he'll find her somehow. Doing this to himself is better than letting go of hope. Hannah, between you and me, is there any chance you are mistaken? Her body temperature might have gone down due to the starvation." Maddie asked.
"I…don't know. I know now how to check for a pulse, but I didn't then. I didn't know how to check if someone was breathing. And honestly, I just left her. I didn't know what to do." Hannah admitted.
"Do you remember where you were?" Maddie asked. She was sure Katie was dead, but maybe if she could find Katie's remains, it would help Mike.
"It was a little town in Mississippi called Tucker's Crossing. There were signs that said that anyways. What are you going to do?" Hannah asked.
"I am going to see if my mom can help me. One of us will go there and see if we can find any unclaimed remains. I suspect that you are correct. Katie did die." Maddie answered.
"What if I was wrong?" Hannah asked in a nervous voice. Maddie put her hands on both of her shoulders.
"Honey, don't think like that. If Mom and I go, I just ask that you look after your dad and brother. I am sure you were right." Katie said.
"Okay. I will." Hannah said.
"And another thing, it is not a personal slight that your dad would think you were wrong and he will not blame you. He is devastated about Katie and he is just trying to hold out hope. When my daughter died, I thought the doctors were wrong that she had died, and was convinced she was still alive for quite a while." Maddie said.
"It did kind of feel like that with Dad." Hannah admitted.
"Just understand that he loves you deeply and he is just desperately trying to keep ahold of hope." Maddie said. Hannah only nodded at her before Maddie gave her a hug.
"Is Dad going to let you go with you being pregnant? He has been awfully protective of you." Hannah asked.
"I'm an adult who can take care of myself. I'll be just fine." Maddie said. She felt a little sorry for the young woman, who was now doubting everything and blaming herself for her sister's death.