To say that Raz had been reluctant to go to therapy would be an understatement. Being sick in bed had left him cooped up in his own mind for far too long, and it was clear he needed to talk about it, but Raz had somehow gotten it into his head that he should handle it all on his own. Only on being assured that all Psychonauts Agents took advantage of the free therapy provided at the Motherlobe did he actually partake in it himself.
But it didn't help as much as he'd hoped. It was hard for him to communicate what he was feeling. He often couldn't find the words and resorted to just telepathically tossing vague senses, images, and feelings at the therapist. It also didn't help that there was basically zero overlap between therapists qualified to work with Psychonauts Agents and therapists qualified to work with children. So in the end, while it felt good to get some things off his chest, Razputin didn't feel like he'd actually been resolving anything, other than maybe just the tension of keeping his emotions bottled up. Therapy was helping keep things from getting worse, but it wasn't helping anything get better, either.
That did not mean he was out of options, though.
"Agent Nein?" he asked, entering the man's office-slash-laboratory.
"Razputin," Sasha answered, looking up from his desk. "Need something?"
Raz clasped his hands behind his back. "I was wondering if I could use the brain tumbler to enter my own mental world again, like back at camp. I have some things I'd like to try to sort out."
Sasha nodded thoughtfully and rose from his seat. "Hm, yes. And this time you would not be dealing with psychic interference, as you were at Whispering Rock. I would be interested to see how it plays out, as well – if you would not mind, of course."
The boy's first instinct was to decline, but… it was Agent Nein. If there was anyone he trusted with this, it was him, and of course his hero-turned-mentor's presence would be comforting as well. "Sounds good to me. Let's go!"
The Agent stood by as Raz lowered his goggles and stepped up to the brain tumbler. He telepathically linked himself to the kid, and waited as Raz navigated the collective unconscious to his own mindscape.
"I'm in," he said suddenly. "Wow, this is… more than it was, last time."
«Interesting,» Nein mused. «You have been through a lot since then. It might be the lack of interference, but it could also be that your mental world has grown with you. Can you tell me what you see?»
After a brief pause, Raz began to describe the environment. The circus caravan from before was still there, but now with multiple wagons looped around a burning orange campfire. Figments of clowns and jugglers and balloons floated nearby. Instead of a black void, there was now an actual environment stretching out into the fog: aside from the flat dirt clearing the caravan occupied, there was a vast, crystal-clear lake, and beyond, endless mountainous terrain covered in dark forest, mostly consisting of pines. Razputin would have compared it to Whispering Rock or the Questionable Area, save for one glaringly European feature – a looming castle perched atop a crag overlooking the clearing. The full moon's silver glow was the only source of light aside from the campfire, and the night sky was pitch dark, devoid of stars.
A gust of chill wind sent a shiver down Raz's spine. Imaginary wolves howled distantly, and he heard a crow's croaking, grating cry from somewhere overhead. It was almost unsettling how much more vivid this was.
"I'm… going to approach the lake," the boy said, more to himself than to Nein. He had a lot of unresolved issues with water, so that seemed like a reasonable place to start.
The lake was perfectly flat, a vast and featureless black mirror set into the valley. Colorful figments of the Hand hovered over it, reflected flawlessly in the dark water. Yet when Razputin peered over the edge, it was not his own reflection that he saw. He only caught a glimpse of it before recoiling in fear, which Sasha must have sensed.
«What happened? Did you see something in the lake?»
"Y-yeah. I saw… I don't know. Something dark and monstrous where my reflection should have been, with glowing white eyes."
The perfect mirror of water shattered as Doubts started hauling themselves up onto the shore.
"Uh, hang on, Sasha, I've got company! The lake is full of Doubts!"
Raz fought, and fought, but the figures kept coming. The sheer number of them forced him to back away from the water, until at last, he was a good distance away, and the Doubts stopped coming. It must have been his proximity to the water that brought them up.
"Okay, I think that's all of them for now. I can't go near the lake without being attacked, though."
«That's not surprising. You have a lifetime of conditioning related to water. It will take time for you to recover. I suggest working on that in both the mental and physical worlds.»
Raz let out a low hum of frustration. He wanted to fix things. Get in, solve the problem, get out – quick and cleanly packaged, like a story in an issue of True Psychic Tales.
Sasha's mental voice took on a slightly softer tone. «I know it isn't as satisfying as a quick resolution, Razputin, but much of what Psychonauts actually do takes continued effort over weeks, months, or even years.» The lake's surface began to roil ominously again. «You're still young and impatient, but I know you will adapt. You have what it takes.» At this, the lake calmed once more. Raz didn't relay this information.
"Alright. So the lake will take time. I don't see any way to get to the castle right now – is that bad?"
«Not necessarily. It may mean that whatever thoughts and feelings the castle represents are still solidifying. Perhaps you can investigate it at a later time.»
Another cold gust of wind made Raz shiver. He rubbed his upper arms in an attempt to warm up; he didn't remember his mental world being so cold. He looked over at the circus caravan, which seemed… not welcoming, exactly. But not as foreboding, now. Probably because he no longer believed his family wanted him dead. At the very least, it might be warmer inside.
"Alright, so that just leaves the caravan. I'm going in."
Raz opened the door to the wagon, but much to his surprise, Censors jumped out, spouting their usual chorus of nos. He jumped backwards and prepared to fight. "What? I thought Censors aren't supposed to attack you in your own mind!"
«Hm. I'm going to pull you back out, Razputin.»
Raz didn't have time to protest before the smelling salts snapped him back to the physical world. Sasha was already fiddling with the brain tumbler's control panel.
"I apologize for cutting your session short," he said, "but after what happened at Whispering Rock, I want to be absolutely sure there's no interference with the brain tumbler. You can use it again after I've recalibrated it."
The boy rubbed his upper arm awkwardly. "Uh, okay." There was a long pause, before he spoke up again. "Hey, Agent Nein? Didn't you say that your own Censors attacking you can also be a sign of, um, insanity?"
Sasha paused, cigarette in hand, then turned to Raz and frowned. "It is possible," he admitted. "Have you been feeling mentally unwell lately?"
Raz stared at the floor, feeling stupid. "Um. I… Maybe a little? I've just kinda felt, I dunno, a little down. Nevermind, it's probably nothing."
Nein knelt in front of him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "No, being aware of yourself is important. A good Psychonaut is able to evaluate changes in his mental state. It is good that you're taking initiative, Razputin."
He finally looked up, smiling slightly. "Thanks, Agent Nein."
Sasha stood up again, and nodded. "I will let you know when the brain tumbler is ready again."