Hey…long time no see… I have no excuse. Well, I fell out of love from fan fiction for a long time, even prior to when the pandemic started. But I think I'm ready to dive back into it.
Crush
Chapter 5: Still Here, Always
Fuck. Her. Life.
Teà didn't really believe in the concept of karma, but today, it really felt like the whole universe was out to get her. Especially on a Monday night. As narcissistic as it sounded, she didn't understand why her pair of tights just had to rip in the middle of dance class. What had she done to invoke the rage of the universe – apparently enough to only make her rip her tights when performing a pirouette? The rip just had to happen around her upper thigh, nearing her crotch. Here's the thing; she had done embarrassing things in her life, and this shouldn't have to feel like it was the worst thing to ever happen to her. Yes, she heard a few other girls snickering, yes, she didn't wear her usual pair of shorts over her leotard (so people could see the damage), but Teà felt lucky that the worst of it was over.
Wrong.
She didn't anticipate the fact that the solo she had worked so, so hard in the past few months to obtain had been given to someone else. As narcissistic – and silly - as it sounded, Teà truly believed that her hard work would pay off. But she had been mature enough to not burst into tears, as if she were eight years old again.
She was never the type of person to be so hard on herself, but the possibility of not being good enough to have a solo for the first time in her life? That was enough to cripple her self-esteem.
She could spout how she had a dream to dance in New York all she wanted; she could brag about how hard she was working to try to achieve said dream. But in the end, Teà was human: she coped with unexpected situations like everyone else. She could try to be strong in her class, but once she walked out the doors, there was no escaping the truth that she only wanted to cry. She had tears in her eyes for sure when she walked all the way back home, but she didn't burst into an episode. Maybe she was just too tired to.
Nevertheless, Teà felt like she was in one of those K-dramas right about now.
Teà sighed, running a hand through her loose, chestnut hair, as she turned over her side in bed.
She just wanted to sleep. Sleep sounded good right about now; all of her muscles ached and it didn't help that her emotions were out of wack. Maybe she would be able to be more reasonable once she rested properly. But much to her dismay, she was unable to stop thinking about the day's events. So much for exercise being able to help her go to sleep, right?
A buzz from her phone drew her out of her thoughts. Pursing her lips, Teà grabbed her cell phone from her nightstand, and she saw there was a new message from Yugi.
Hey, how was practice?
Considering that it was almost 11:30 at night, Teà didn't think that Yugi was still up this late. But then again, it had been a few weeks since they last talked; Teà had been busier more than ever lately, trying to juggle dancing and her schoolwork. She felt bad about not spending as much time with her friends, but they understood that she was struggling.
Teà felt guilty about the fact that she didn't feel like talking to Yugi. Not really. But ghosting him certainly wasn't going to fly.
For someone who valued friendship, maybe almost to the point of obsessing over it, this certainly wasn't characteristic of her. But this just happened to be one of her bad days. Which she hoped will pass, eventually.
So what should she say to Yugi? Biting down on her lip, Teà's eyes remained glued to the screen of her cell phone.
But before Teà could even think of a suitable response, her thumb accidentally landed on the 'back' button of her phone and the screen led her back to her contacts list; this was where she saw Yami's name, just underneath Yugi's.
And just like that, she couldn't help but think of her last interaction with Yami. How he walked her home, how he draped his own coat over her (again, it was like a scene from a K-drama), how they talked about her friends, and her future… The fact that Yami actively listened to her was deeply appreciated. He was more than a good-looking guy that she just happened to ogle at one day. He was his own person, with hopes and dreams.
Though they did exchange numbers, Teà didn't really talk to him after their last encounter. It was disheartening to be sure; just recalling the fact that he confirmed they would be seeing more of each other, and not being able to follow through with that promise? It was hurtful. But, Teà supposed that was what she got for not taking the initiative to text him first. Honestly, she could use the excuse that she was busy. But apparently it didn't matter how busy people were: they could easily take 10 seconds to draft a message to send. Which left one other reason: she was somewhat intimidated to text him first.
Damn her heart for beating faster than it should, whenever she thought about his demeanor, as well as his voice.
Teà also had to consider the possibility – or rather the reality – that Yami was busy with his own life. Why would he want to spend time talking to a teenager? He was clearly older than her, and there was a chance that he had a partner in his life already.
Just as she finished that thought, she slapped her hand against her forehead, cringing inwardly. Idiot. She was an idiot.
Not for the first time, she had the urge to talk to him. Even if it was only for a few moments or so.
But even so, Teà briefly wondered if he would still have her number, even after the lack of communication. Unfortunately for her, there was no easy way to determine that, other than texting him herself.
If she decided to text him, what else could possibly go wrong? She already had a terrible day, so the odds of something life-threatening happening to her wasn't that high.
Teà noticed how anxious she felt all of a sudden, as her thumb pressed on the screen, where it said 'write a message'.
She took a deep breath, trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach, as she simply wrote:
Hey
And she sent it. But not without realizing she should follow it up with: It's Teà, I'm the girl that you bumped into a few weeks ago.
If she left it at 'hey', she knew that would have been the cringiest thing that she had ever said to anyone in a text thread.
Then it began to dawn on her that texting someone at 11:30 at night was not the best idea, but it was too late at this point. Teà wanted to blame this lack of consideration on her part to the lack of sleep. Yes – lack of sleep was clearly correlated with her out of character behaviour.
Once again, she felt the need to rectify her mistake. I'm sorry for texting you this late, btw.
Her phone buzzed, and after hearing it, Teà's heart begun to flutter once more, as she saw that Yami had actually texted her back. She wouldn't be surprised if he was going to tell her to buzz off – the best case scenario, in case if he actually remembered her.
But apparently Teà had nothing to worry about. Instead, she felt slightly relaxed, as her eyes read over the message several times.
Hello, Teà. I'm glad to hear from you. Ok, so it sounded like he wasn't angry at her for disturbing him. But she was just as happy that he still remembered her; her paranoia could go lock itself in a closet somewhere. And even through a text message, Teà still felt the butterflies as if they were talking in person. Yep, she totally had it bad for this guy. It was a good thing though that she hadn't told anyone else about him.
Again, I'm sorry for texting u this late. Were u sleeping?
And she added a crying emoji for an extra effect. She could only hope that he truly wasn't mad or annoyed with her. But then she realized if any of her friends texted her this late, she would kind of be annoyed, but they rarely did so. If they did, however, text her in the middle of the night and it was an emergency, she wouldn't find it in her heart to hold a grudge.
Not at all. I was working, but I was surprised to receive a text from you.
There was a twinge of guilt that appeared once again. I'm sorry. I don't want to distract you.
Teà wanted to believe that it wasn't her fault for distracting him, but that same crippling self-doubt about not getting the solo in her dance class re-manifested itself here: she was scared that she was being a bother to Yami. She was pondering this for a few moments as she waited for his answer.
You weren't bothering me. I was just pleasantly surprised. I apologize for not contacting you sooner.
This clearly wasn't meant to be a romantic statement of any kind, but Teà's heart didn't get the memo. I get it. I normally don't text people at 11:30, but I just couldn't sleep.
She contemplated sending another emoji, but she figured Yami didn't want to be reminded of the fact that she was younger than him.
I'm sorry to hear that, Teà. Do you have something on your mind? We could talk about it if you wish.
At this point, Teà felt jittery, even though she was lying down in her bed. She also felt like her entire face was on fire. Even though they were just texting each other, her hormones were sent into overdrive. She simply couldn't get enough of his articulate way of speaking, and it was hard not to hear Yami's voice in her head…
It was enough for her start thinking different kinds of thoughts… Ok, so lack of sleep + lack of consideration + naughty thoughts = a flustered teenage girl.
I'm fine. It's just another one of those nights, you know? Truly spoken like someone who assumed that Yami did know what she was talking about.
Teà didn't really want to burden Yami with her crippling self-doubt about dancing and the fact that her solo was given to someone else. She didn't want to take the risk of being made fun of, even when she knew firsthand from their last talk that he wouldn't make fun of her. And he didn't seem the type to gaslight her either.
Me as well. I have been doing research for the Domino Museum throughout the day, and it is exhausting.
Teà could empathize with Yami in a way. Although she was feeling physically tired on top of the emotional drama she was attempting to deal with. I'm sorry to hear that. That must be tough.
For the next few minutes or so, she hadn't received a reply yet, and it made Teà wonder if he had fallen asleep on her. But she had the feeling that he was the night-owl type.
The past week has been particularly daunting.
So Yami was making it clear that he was stressed as all get-out. Before Teà could even comprehend the consequences, she texted him back. Sounds like u could use a break. R u free this weekend?
After sending it, she slowly realized that she made it sound like she was asking him out on a date. Well, it was too late to delete the text now. All she could really do was hope that Yami wouldn't pick up on that.
And much to her amazement, Yami didn't give her the impression that he was offended.
Indeed I am. Would you like to join me for walk on Saturday? I happen to know a nice park not too far from the bay area.
It would be awfully hard – and not to mention rude – to decline an offer like that.
If he didn't like her, he wouldn't invite her to do something, right?
And just like that, Teà knew her fate was sealed when she replied: Yeah, that sounds really nice :D.