Hey you guys... so I realized that this whole time I've been on my unofficial... hiatus, trying to figure out what nightmares to visit next in the realm of the avengers, I dove deeper into the story of Tony Stark. In doing so I realized something. I have always loved Tony Stark. I have always admired him and loved him dearly. I cried when he cried, I sobbed when he died, I laughed with his character as he discovered new elements and time travel, I felt a connection with him that I never had before. I never really understood why until I truly began to watch his story. Then it clicked why I understood and felt so connected with him.

It's also where I started to realize why it always upset me so much when people 'attacked' me for liking him so much over characters like Golden-Boy Captain America, or Thor, or Peter Parker, or even characters like Clint and Natasha. People constantly get on me for loving the character of Tony Stark. So, being the anxiety riddled, people pleasing potato that I am, I sometimes feel the need to defend myself and my connection to this character. So, here's my emotional, sleep deprived piece that is an explanation to all who wonder why I feel so strongly about the man we all call Iron Man. If you want to skip, feel free, I will not hold it against you. Honestly I sometimes skip these too, so I truly understand. (also, don't worry, a new chapter of the actual story will come out soon, I just really needed to get this off my chest and I don't really have any way to do that except this) But here it is... please go into this judgement free, I understand that many people truly don't like Tony Stark/Iron Man, which is completely understandable and I hold nothing against you for it. This is merely an explanation as to why I do. So... enjoy...? I guess... Idk, just have at it and enjoy a visit into my nightmares.

Okay. So where to begin? Tony Stark, in the beginning, is everything people should aspire to NEVER be. He is a playboy, has zero respect for anyone (including himself) and he seems to not care what people think of him or why they think that.

This version of Tony Stark is incredibly close to my heart. Growing up in a manipulative, unhappy family. I relate to him because I felt like I had to project this image of myself that wasn't true to who I am. I was angry all the time, I threw fits, I hit, I threw things. I was an absolute terror of a child. I was terrified of people hating me, so I purposefully pushed them away and crafted myself into a person that no one should EVER logically want to be friends with. Now, this isn't saying I was always a terror. I had selected people that I truly wanted to be good around, my DUM-EE and JARVIS. I tried my best to be a good person and most of the time I was successful. I also had my, Peppers, I had my friends who I wanted to be good around and I wanted them to like me, but I found my "easier" persona slipping in far too often. I was jealous and terrified they'd leave me, again I grew up in a very emotionally unstable home. The biggest difference between myself and Tony at this stage was that I was an angel around adults (most of the time) I really only acted like a demon around people my own age or at least in the same... "category as me"

Back to Tony, the poor guy goes through incredible trauma and finds himself questioning everything and determined to turn his life around and determined to change the way things were. He changes his entire self and tries desperately to fix things but is met with people at every turn saying he can't or doubting him and his abilities to change.

While I didn't go through a... trauma so to speak, I definitely went through some shit. At about the age of 13, I began to notice the absolute chaos my family was in. My parents couldn't be in the same room without it devolving into an argument about something. "You're chewing too loud" "you haven't asked your boss about a raise yet" "you didn't do anything at the house like I asked" "you were at work late" and "dinner wasn't ready when I got home" so on and so forth. Everything was an argument. My world also collapsed because I found out that my best friend was staying in Germany for another 3 years when we thought she would be home sooner. Keep in mind I was 13 so to me, it felt like my world was absolutely ending at this point. I thought it was all over. I also realized that I was the biggest asshole a child like me could possibly be. I set out to change that. I still slipped, I still fell, but I was doing so much better. Despite that, I had my Obadiahs and my Christines, who simply weren't seeing all the changes I was trying to make. They continuously pushed back against my progress (unknowingly, I think) and made progress so much harder than it had to be.

Then comes Tony's Palladium poisoning arc in Iron Man 2. He slips into old habits, becomes increasingly self-destructive, and begins treating the people around him like garbage again.

My Palladium poisoning came in the form of one of my best friends at the time. After so long of trying to fix myself and help people see the real me, I met this friend who I'd gone to church with my whole life. We ended up going to school in sixth grade together. Keep in mind, this was the first time I could ever remember going to a public school. Eveyrthing was so new to me and I was so lost that I latched on to the first people who would give me the time of day. This friend that I had... we'll call her Tae, was going through hell. Her family was off the rails, her mental health was failing, and her entire world was crumbling. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I got super close with her in order to help her and help myself. This person, I felt could see past my walls, could see past who I'd been to the person I wanted to be. I stuck close to Tae and found my own mental health failing because of it. I was 14... I didn't know how to handle the fact that my best friend was cutting herself and talking about commiting suicide and that she'd told me I was the only person that kept her from dying. But at the same time that I was trying to deal with all of that, I was feeling absoluetly terrible because I felt like I was using her. See, I crave being needed. And Tae supplied that for me. I stuck close to one of the most toxic friendships in my life. I was now stuck in this relationship that I wanted nothing to do with, but desperately didn't want to lose. Then came in my Natasha and Fury.

I was caught in this situation, self destructing and going down a path that could lead to nowhere good. My Natasha, we'll call her Presley, and my Fury, we'll call her... Nia, came in and pulled the plug on the whole thing. They stopped my relationship with her and helped me cut contact. They helped me through recovery from that. Although, despite the fact that they thought they knew the real issue... well, from the outside, the physical, they were right. From the inside... they were dead wrong.

Next came New York, the wormhole, crippling anxiety, and a panic disorder.

My New Yorn is honestly kind of... silly from the outside view. My whole life, I'd heard of what could happen. Of what could be out there. Much like Tony, with the aliens, I knew that bad people existed. It was one of those "it could never happen to me" situations. Except it did, some of you might know this, some of you might not, but basic story; I, 16, was home alone, in my room, and wasn't paying attention. Two people (male) broke into my house and started slamming doors and moving things around. I hid in my closet and just remember sobbing while on the phone with the police, telling them everything I could about my home, my situation, and me. I genuinely thought I was going to die or get raped or something even worse than either of those. Instant statistics and images of women on the news flooded my brain and I thought it was all over. Thankfully, the police got there, got me out, I was safe... and it was the goddamn kids in our neighborhood. But the damage had been done. I had thought that my home was mostly safe, as rough around the egdes as it was, and that idea was shattered. I no longer felt safe. I felt like I had to take precautions and have plans and defenses ready to defend myself and my family at a moments notice. I began leaving strategically placed heavy items all over the house. My sister got me a stun gun, my mom got me a knife, I started going to the range and shooting whenever I could. I was kicked into a survival mode like I never had been.

It was stressful to say the least and I had no idea how to deal with it. Through this time, I developed severe anxiety. I realized just how the world around me was, and I realized how unsafe I truly was in this world. So I did what I could to make myself feel like I could defend the people I loved, my "suit of armor around my world".

I didn't truly start to get better until I joined a youth program with my local police department. I took on leadership roles and grew as a person. I became more confiedant in myself and became truly myself, much like the arc we see throug the following movies. I knew who I was and began to truly see who I could be. I was me and that was enough.

Now, I am currently going through my... Civil War...

My parents are... manipulative. They don't mean to be, truly. I know that's what every victim of emotional/phsycological abuse says, but it's true. They are good people at heart. I've seen my parents give the shirts off their backs to strangers, and help others without question so many times. The problem stems, currently, mostly from my father. It currently (like, March) came to light that he'd been cheating on my mother. My mom who I'd been manipulated into absolutely despising, pretty much my whole life. (Now, I have realized now that a lot of things my mom does and a lot of the ways she acts truly make sense, but that does not EVER excuse her actions, nor the things she says).

Now, think of this next thing as my... Zemo video incident.

After finding out that my father cheated on my mom, I then found out that not only had he done this, but it WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME! I also found out that my mother knew that he'd been manipulating me and my little sister for 17 and 14 years! And that my older sister knew about it! My eyes were also opened to how my mother has been manipulating me. Some of these things may sound familiar to you if you know what I'm talking about "don't you trust me" "but I'm your mom" "you're my kid, if i want to know, I'll know" "you don't get a choice" "you don't get to forget" "what are you hiding" "I'm the parent, you don't get to have 'privacy' from me" "I have friends/eyes everywhere, I always know everything you do" "you're not allowed to keep secrets from me, I'm your mother" so on and so forth. Now, my mom has been physically... abusive exactly one time in my life that I can remember (key words, that I can remember) when I was 14 and she forced me into a corner, grabbed my chin so hard I thought it had bruised, cursed at me, spit in my face, completely violated my boundaries and basically told me that I'd better "shut the fuck up and listen" and "get my ass back in line or else." Now, she has slapped me a couple times but I kind of tend to label that under the same listing as spankings. My issue, was that I'd never considered the fact that I was being emotionally abused as well. However, (God moment here) I'd been delving deep into psychology, abuse victims, reactions to things, etc, etc... The second I began breaking apart the things I had been told, the ways my mother had treated me my whole life, I began to piece things together slowly.

One instance that I distincly remember, because it recently happened, that might help clear up the kind of ways my mom acts and why I feel she's abusive is this:

After the shit went down with my sperm donor, my mom and I were sitting inside a Taco Bueno eating dinner. She was breaking down everything that he had done and before she even finished, I said "that's called psychological and emotional manipulation and abuse." She immediately dropped her head to the table and said, AND I QUOTE!, "I am so glad you recognize that! I was afraid I'd have to explain what it was to you and what he'd been doing to you." MEANING SHE KNEW WHAT HE'D BEEN DOING! Fast forward a few weeks later and I had cut off all communication with my sperm donor. SHe said that it worried her thinking that one day she might do something wrong accidentally that would make me cut off communication with her. I said she already had done something awful, cut-off worthy. Crying already, she goes, "what have I done" keep in mind through this whole conversation she is holding onto my arm after I'd asked her not to touch me. so I told her "you let **** emotionally m=abuse me for 17 years!". To which she replied, AND I FUCKING QUOTE, "oh honey I didn't know he was doing that to you, I thought he was only doing that to me."

So... yeah... that's what she's like... keep in mind this is wound in with conversations like, "why didn't you do the twelve, thousand things I asked you to do today while I was gone at work?" "I forgot all some of them, mom." You don't get to forget!" and "what were you talking about with (one of my biggest influences and mentors in my life, who is both female and a christian and in the proffession I want to take on once I'm old enough)" "it was a private conversation" "don't you dare tell me that" "what was it about?!" "Mom, I'm 18, do I not get to have private conversations?" "Not from me, I'm your mother!" "mom that's extremely controlling and not okay at all, I am an adult and I am going to have conversations that you aren't privy to! It's my right as a person and an adult!" *cue angry silence and furious glares* "get out of my room, I am so pissed at you right I just about can't see straight" *cut to me being told later, while being forced into a hug after telling her that I don't want to be touched multiple times, that I would have to be punished for my 'attitude' and that I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends for the next week* Oh and also she denied the fact that I have anxiety, pushed me into at least 5 panic attacks and 3 anxiety attacks, sent me away for 'freaking out' and then forced me into physical contact, finally admitting that 'maybe I have mild anxiety' and then not making any strides to help me find someone to help my issues even though I'm 99% sure I should be on some sort of anxiety meds considering it's 3:22 t night and I can't sleep because I'm so anxious about the literally mountain of things I have to do tomorrw, and I also don't hink I can sleep in my room because it's so messy that it makes me want to cry because it's so overwhelming.

The last reason I feel so strongly about Tony as a character, and why I love him so much... is because of my two Rhodeys. My first Rhodey is my rock, I love her so incredibly much. She has been there for me through thick and thin, no matter what I threw at her, she took it standing tall and was always by my seide. No matter what I said or did, she was always with me. She helped me find who I was, despite living thousands of miles away and us being unable to see each other in person. My first Rhodey is my rock and no matter how long we spend apart, we always come back together and help each other through everything. No matter what walks of life we take, she is always there for me, and I am finally able to be there for her, despite the things I am going through.

My second Rhodey is my heart and soul, I love her so much and she is an absolute blessing. She has my back and I trust her with literally anything. This is my ride or die, soul sister, best friend. I wouldn't have been able to make it through everything with my sperm donor without her by my side. We'll actually be moving in with each other by next fall so I'm excited for the next phase of my life with her by my side. (just for clarification, she is my platonic soulmate all the way!)

I also have my Happys and my new Peppers. They are a team of wonderful people who have stood by my side through so many things. We love each other unconditionally and would literally kill for each other. We tell eaach other pretty much everything and know most everything about each other. We will always be together and will always be family.

Sorry, I kind of rambled a bit, but between the abuse, the anxiety, the 'arc', and the whole relationships with all my close friends, I hope you can understand why I feel so strongly about Tony's story. While I am still in the 'Civil War' portion of my story, I continuously look at the Endgame of Tony's life as hope for my own and as inspiration that someone who comes from a life like mine and Tony's can actually come out on the other side and be okay. People like me, with anxiety and panic, attachment issues, fears of abandonment, and a paste riddled with trauma and hurt can actually save the world. We can break the chain do true good in the world.

Anyways, if you've read all the way to this part then thank you for taking the time to understand a little bit about me, and about this character as well. I truly do love y'all! Thanks! Have a great day!

- storyspinner16