Chapter 5

As she hoped, Ga Eul hadn't heard from Yi Jung ever since that day, and it had been a few weeks since then. Jan Di and Jun Pyo had officially started going out together after countless attempts from Jun Pyo to make it up for her. Ga Eul's life got easier when the two made up. She no longer had to deal with the gloomy Jan Di, and her happy nature returned back to her. It was a relief to see Jan Di so happy and adjusted in her new life. She had new friends now and a boyfriend that loved her to no end, so Ga Eul had nothing to worry about when she would decide to leave. She knew she would be leaving Jan Di in good hands after graduation.

It was Friday after school. Ga Eul and Jan Di were finishing up their night shift at the porridge store. They were both cleaning tables when Ga Eul's phone dinged. Taking her phone out, she realized it was from Hong Joon. She decided to ignore it until Jan Di wasn't with her. Her phone kept on ringing as Hong Joon sent message after message. She didn't have time to mute it before Jan Di realized. She quickly texted him that she was busy before she shut down her phone, but it was too late because Jan Di had noticed.

"Who was that?" Jan Di asked. Ga Eul couldn't lie that well in front of Jan Di, so she chose the closest version to the truth.

"Just some guy." Ga Eul said, shrugging it off.

"Are you seeing a guy?" Jan Di said, both excited and wary.

"Something like that." Ga Eul said hesitantly.

"And you just told me now? I have to see him. I have to approve of him first before you two start going out."

"No, you don't have to." Ga Eul said too quickly. Jan Di got suspicious, so Ga Eul added on. "I mean this whole thing is pretty new, so I don't want to rush it."

"If he's scared to meet your best friend, then he won't be a good boyfriend. That's why you I have to see him in order to make sure." Jan Di said. Ga Eul knew she was screwed because she knew her friend won't let her be until she agreed.

"Okay, fine." Ga Eul said while mentally cursing herself.

"How about a double date with me and Jun Pyo? We can do it tomorrow after I finish my shift" Jan Di suggested. Ga Eul was going to melt as her situation got worse by the second.

"I'll be in the workshop. we can do it another week." Ga Eul said, hoping to delay the date until Jan Di forgot about it.

"The workshop will be fine a day without you. I'm sure your boss wouldn't care if you skipped a day." Jan Di said. Ga Eul couldn't contradict her because she knew it was true. She was put in a tight spot, and she had no other choice but to agree to Jan Di's plans. Jan Di beamed and immediately called Jun Pyo.

Ga Eul was standing in front of a burger shop with Jan Di and Jun Pyo waiting for her imaginary date. She couldn't think of any other solution except to pretend that her date bailed on her at the last second. She dressed herself for an actual date to make it more believable. Jun Pyo was getting restless as he went on about how rude Ga Eul's date was. Jan Di kicked him in the arm to shush him. They had been waiting for twenty minutes, and Ga Eul decided to make them wait ten more before she put on her act.

She got her phone out of her pocket, and pretended she got a message. She said, trying to sound disappointed. "He just texted me that he can't make it. A private emergency. I'm so sorry guys."

"See, I told you that you had to test him out. The whole thing was fishy from the start."

"Yeah. We weren't that serious anyway, so it's probably for the better." Ga Eul said.

"What was his name?' Jun Pyo asked. Ga Eul freaked out, and her mind went blank.

"Su Pyo." Ga Eul said, cringing at her self as she said the first thing that came to mind.

"I'll leave you guys now to enjoy your date." Ga Eul said, trying to change the subject.

"You don't have to leave. You can stay with us." Jan Di said while Jun Pyo protested.

"No, it'll be more comfortable for us if I leave." Ga Eul said.

"Okay." A dejected Jan Di said.

Ga Eul left them quickly. She took a sigh of relief when they didn't call out her bluff. She looked at her watch, and realized she was running late. She still had another place to run to before she called it a day.

She was in front of Hong Joon's apartment door. Taking a deep breath, she rang the door bell. Shortly, he opened the door for her. He had been expecting her. He had wanted to meet her yesterday after work, but she blew him off. That was why he looked a bit pissed as he let her in. He was still in his pajamas, and his hair was ruffled. He looked like a mess, and his face was worn out. Ga Eul braced herself for what was coming next.

His apartment was always dark with only the littlest of light brightening it enough to know where one was going. Ga Eul never got used to the cool chill of it. She hated his apartment. It always unnerved her and put her on edge.

She sat on the black sofa in the middle of the apartment. She might've hated it, but she had to admit how expensive it was. Hong Joon was better off financially than Ga Eul. But it wasn't too much of a difference. Her parents owned a successful law firm, so she would be considered rich as well. However, both of them combined weren't nearly as wealthy as one-tenth of one of the F4. Still Ga Eul never had to worry about money all her life. If anything, she lived a luxurious life compared to Jan Di.

"You don't look too good." Ga Eul said.

"I couldn't sleep too well yesterday." He said as if it were her own fault.

"You can't sleep again?"

"It never went away in the first place, but the meds I was on aren't strong enough anymore." Hong Joon replied.

"You should go to a new doctor. A new one might help."

"I thought about that. I would've suggested bringing you with me, but you seem to be sleeping well these days." He said bitterly.

"I've been sleeping better for a few weeks now. Not a full goodnight's sleep, but drastically better than before."

"That's good to hear." He said. Ga Eul knew that he didn't mean it.

Silence and tension were thick in the air, and Ga Eul shifted in her seat a few times feeling uncomfortable. She knew he was mad that she ignored him yesterday, and he wasn't trying to hide it. She couldn't deal with him yesterday after a day of school and work. She was getting tired of his attitude as if she owed him something.

"You've been so busy for a while now. Don't you think two jobs and school are too much for you? You don't need a job anyway."

"You know why I work a lot, Hong Joon." She said, fed up. She told him countless times how much she needed these jobs. She lived for the distraction.

"While we're on the topic of work, can you understand that I won't be able to meet you every time you call. My hands are full most of the time, and I can't just drop everything, and come to you whenever you need." Ga Eul said.

"I've never done this to you. I was always there for you when you needed me. I was never too busy for you." Hong Joon retorted with venom in his voice.

"And I've never abandoned you either. I've been at your beck and call for the past two years, but things have changed, and I can't keep dropping everything just to keep you company. I'm not telling you that I won't see you again, but you need to respect my schedule."

"Tell me what do you that is so important. Is it that porridge store or the broken down garage? You barely care for school now. Look at us, Ga Eul. Ever since she died, we've been lost. We're nothing without her. And you want to tell me that you're busy now? Don't fool yourself. You just want to bail out on me after everything we've been through."

"I do have a life outside of you and her. Unlike you, I've been trying to move on and get myself back together instead of moping around in self-pity." Ga Eul said, her temper getting heated.

"Oh, please. Chun Ja was the one with a life. She had a bright future ahead of her, not you fixing dumpsters. You always hid behind her, but you want to convince me that you can stand up on your own. You're only lying to yourself."

Ga Eul got livid. Her shaking knuckles whitened as she grabbed hard on the edge of the sofa. Everything around her was going too fast as she struggled to keep up yet somehow she managed to utter a few words. "I might've been hiding behind her, but that was in the past. I'm different now, and I don't want to live hung up on a memory like you."

"How could you do that to your sister? You want to erase her just like that? I always knew of your bitterness towards her, but I didn't expect you to be so shameless about it. It should've been you that died. Why did I have to lose her while you keep on living. She was the one worthy of the life you're wasting right now."

Ga Eul stood up immediately after hearing those words. Nothing could be said anymore after that. She was at the door when Hong Joon shouted. "Run away from me like you've been running away from everything. You miserable piece of shit."

"I'm not the one who's miserable." Ga Eul said before she slammed the door behind her.

Ga Eul went straight to the workshop after she left his apartment. She worked on the ancient car until she fell asleep, not caring how much effort it took. Even when she woke up the next day she continued on working until it was time to leave for her to freshen up before going to her shift at the porridge store. She had no choice but to go quickly to her parents' house, and take a shower and a new set of clothes. Then she escaped like a little mouse afraid to get caught even when she knew her parents weren't there.

For the the first time, she was grateful for her boss's babbling. It kept her from thinking. She'd been desperate for a distraction ever since yesterday. The distractions didn't last long enough as her shift was ending, and the whole place was empty except for her. She was left alone cleaning up the kitchen, and she couldn't run from her thoughts any longer.

Hong Joon's words kept ringing in her ears, and she didn't now how to shut them out. It wasn't the first time she heard something like this. When her sister had died, that was all she ever heard from the whispers around her, her parents included, and it wasn't entirely wrong. Chun Ja was the one with future and potential. She had so much to offer, and it all went away in a flash. But it wasn't Ga Eul's fault. Why was she the one having to bear this guilt when it was her sister that messed up? No one ruined Chun Ja but herself. She might've heard this a thousand times before, but it hurt when it came from Hong Joon. She spent so much of her energy, time and well-being in order to keep him sane, and that was how he repayed her. She felt betrayed and cheated.

There was one thing he was right about. She did feel bitterness towards her sister. She wondered deep down if she was glad that her sister was gone. That thought ate her away every single day. Chun Ja might've loved Ga Eul, but she was never a good sister. She loved the attention she got from everyone especially their parents. The gleam in their eyes whenever they looked at her, as if she were a prized trophy, was something she never wanted to lose. Their parents had always favored Chun Ja, and they never tried to hide it. But Chun Ja made sure it always remained that way. She could've stood up for her sister when she was being ignored or neglected, but she never did. She couldn't risk ever losing the adoration of her parents even the slightest.

Ga Eul grew up receiving love from one person only—her sister. Chun Ja took the position of both her parents even if their age difference wasn't drastic. In a way, Chun Ja was all Ga Eul knew growing up. Chun Ja might've played a role in their parents' nefglectness, but she made sure Ga Eul received love from her. Only her. So when Chun Ja died, it was both heart-wrenching and eye opening.

As Ga Eul began to mature, she had started to realize the patterns of manipulation, but she endured it and always turned a blind eye. In the end, her older sister was her only family. But after losing her, she realized how far the manipulation ran, and how much Chun Ja messed up her life. Ga Eul understood that her whole life was revolved around her sister. And Chun Ja made it that way.

Feeling lost and astray was something that never left her after her sister's death. And it was engulfing her by the second as she was washing the dishes in the store's kitchen. She didn't know where or how to start living without her sister. When her whole life was based on the existence of her sister, it was hard to grasp that Ga Eul had a life of her own. For her, it created an unbalance. If her sister wasn't there, would there have been a reason for her to be? Like outliving her sister was defying the laws of nature.

It wasn't just Ga Eul that felt that way. Everyone would've expected Chun Ja to live on and prosper while her little sister hid in the comfort of her shadow. But that wasn't the case, and Ga Eul felt like just a remainder of her dead sister that would fade away. Everyday was a struggle while she tried to fix her feet in the ground and fight a violent current threatening to soar her away. But today there was no fight in her. A galloping emptiness filled her whole chest, and her eyes started fogging up. She knew that feeling well. It felt like everything had gone blank, and she was losing her grip on reality. Like she was fading away.

She was holding a glass cup when it slipped away from her hands. She bent down to pick up the shards of glass, and they cut her palm. She couldn't take them out of her palm. Her blood was slowly dripping and fell on the floor. She didn't care while she squeezed the glass in her palm making them dig more into her palm. The pain was distracting her from the hollowness growing in her chest, and made her feel real. Silent tears rolled down her eyes while she sat on the kitchen floor with a bloodied hand.

She closed her eyes and rested her head on the wall when she thought that she heard something. She couldn't tell for sure because of the fog covering her brain. She was sure of the noise as she opened her eyes, and they fell on a pair of expensive men's shoes a few meters away from her. She looked up, and her brain started to wake up when she recognized the person in front of her.