Chapter 16
Ga Eul opened the studio's door with a mount of books in her hands, and a brown bag holding the biscuits she got him before. Yi Jung had called her earlier that day telling her that she could use his studio to study today. She felt grateful for the generosity he offered her two-days ago on Jan Di's birthday. She knew the studio was his haven, and he gave her permission to go whenever she wanted to study. Yi Jung was working on a new piece, so she had to make her presence known for him to notice her arrival.
"Working hard?" Ga Eul asked him. His eyes shot up to her, and he smirked.
"Hello to you, too." He said.
"What are you making this time?" She asked him, putting her books on a near table.
"A vase." He said, his hand dipping in a bowl of water quickly before returning back to the clay spinning on the wheel. "Oh, right. You're going to find keys on that table over there. They're yours." He said, looking at a table behind her.
"What are they for?" She asked him, picking the keys up.
"The studio. So you can come here whenever you like."
"This is too much, Yi Jung. My exams aren't going to last forever." She said.
"This isn't just because of your exams. It's for later. When you want to find a safe place, just know you have this studio." Yi Jung said. Ga Eul grew speechless for a while not knowing what to say. Touched, but also stunned by his gratifying actions.
"But this is your place. I don't want to impose on you like that. I know how much this studio means to you." She said.
"Believe me, I know. That's why I want you to have spare keys to it. What if I lose my keys someday? Who's going to bring me the spare ones?" He said, with a smile.
"Thank you, Yi Jung. For everything. This is truly so much." She said, immensely touched.
Ga Eul spent three hours studying at a table near Yi Jung. Both were completely immersed in what they were doing in complete silence. Her neck was killing her, and she was developing a little headache. She had decided to call it quits for the day. That much studying should be enough to make her pass. It looked like Yi Jung had also gotten tired like her because he stood up from his unfinished piece and went to the bathroom. He returned back with clean hands, and asked her, "Do you want some tea?"
"Gladly. My brain is about to explode." She said, closing her books. "I also got us some biscuits." She said.
"That's perfect." He said. "I better prepare the tea quick, then."
While Yi Jung was making the tea, Ga Eul decided to take a stroll around his studio. She mused over the shelves full of different kinds of vases, pots and bowls. Her eyes were in awe at every single piece of them. The talent that he had was beyond imagination. This much detail and vision couldn't have come from the hands of an 18 year old, yet here she was admiring the art made by her close friend who was making them tea.
Her eyes took notice of a door she hadn't noticed before. Curious, she opened it to find a cluster of mess. It was dusty, and filled with old pottery. Forgotten pieces. She delved into the abandoned space more and looked at the shelves. Like an alternate universe from the grandeur of the favoured pieces on display outside, they had inches thick of dust on them. But some piece was different. It was put on a table alone. It was clearly the favoured one out of these poor souls. Yet why was it hidden away in a place like this, was the question that roamed Ga Eul's mind. It was a ceramic puzzle displayed on a wooden tray. With two pieces left missing in its middle. One of the missing puzzle pieces, hung by a string like a medal, was left beside the tray. It had part of a writing on it, but Ga Eul couldn't make out its meaning. It was the only thing in there that wasn't dusty. It was surely meant to be forgotten, but Ga Eul could tell that its owner kept coming back for it.
She decided to leave the room when she found Yi Jung by the door. Ga Eul gasped when she saw him, and said, "You scared me. How long have you been lurking?"
"Just enough for our tea to get cold." He said, with a smile, but his demeanour was a bit down.
"Let's go then." She said, urging him to make way for her.
They sat down and drank their tea in silence. Her eyes inspected him every once in a while. Ga Eul was stuck between asking him about the puzzle and dropping the subject. It was clear that the piece held a memory for him. A sad one. After spending their tea time contemplating what to say, Yi Jung said, "I can tell you're curious. Just ask me if you want to. You're too smart not to have noticed it." He said, referring to the puzzle.
"What did it originally say?" She asked, going in a different route than he expected her to. She didn't want to ask him about its story if he wasn't ready.
"One meeting. One opportunity." He replied. His eyes boring into hers, guilty.
"What does it mean?" Ga Eul asked.
"That you meet your lifetime soulmate only once, and if you lose them, you will regret it for the rest of your life." Yi Jung said. "Do you believe in this kind of stuff?" He asked Ga Eul.
"I have a hard time believing it. The universe is seldom this cruel. It feels more like punishment rather than romance." She said. Yi Jung's eyes narrowed, confused by her answer. "Then again, what would I know about matters of the heart?"
"Have you really not had feelings for someone before?" He asked.
"Why is it so hard to grasp?" Ga Eul asked.
"Because everyone has at some point."
"Even you?" Ga Eul asked, intrigued by the trap he set up for himself.
"You know I don't believe in these things." He said, trying to cover up for himself.
"I thought you knew I was smarter than that. You don't owe me to fess up your secrets, but you don't have to lie to hide them for me. I respect that you have things you don't want to talk about." Ga Eul said, a little disappointed he lied. She thought he trusted her more than that. He barely used his player persona around her, and she wanted it to remain that way.
"Nothing ever escapes you, huh?" He asked.
"Not really. But I can act dumb if that makes you more comfortable."
"You don't have to. When you said before that my friendship makes you more yourself, that applied to me too. That lie was a reflex response."
"It's okay. We've all had to lie to protect ourselves."
"And what was your biggest lie?"
"That I was sad that my sister died. It was true for a while, but I soon grew out of it."
"If you don't mind me asking, what was she like?" Yi Jung asked.
Ga Eul's jaw clenched. She wanted to talk, to spell out all the anger, hate and bitterness she felt. She knew Yi Jung would listen and understand. He always did. But still, her tongue got tied again.
"You don't have to tell me."
"I know. But I want to." Ga Eul said. Taking a deep breath, she continued, "Chun Ja was three years older than me, but it felt like more. She technically raised me up. My parents weren't there for me much and Chun Ja knew that, so she stepped in. At first, I thought it was out of her love for me, and I adored her. I followed her everywhere and was glued to her. But that wasn't just me. Everyone loved Chun Ja. She was everything anyone ever dreamed of being. Beautiful beyond belief. And it wasn't coming from biased sources. She got stares from marvelling eyes wherever we went. She was downright exquisite. It wasn't only looks that made her stand out, but how smart she was. She was unparalleled in everything."
"Your parents favoured her over you?" He asked.
Ga Eul replied in a mocking chuckle, "Not just favoured, she was their only daughter in their eyes. I simply paled in comparison, and that warranted for their negligence of me."
"But your sister hated that, right?"
"That was what I also thought when I was younger. Someone who gave me this much love must be by my side. But as I grew older, I began wondering why she never stood up for me. If she truly felt the negligence just as much I did, she could've taken a stance. Our parents loved her, so they could've listened, but she never did. She never cared for that. Do you know how I spent that long going unnoticed? Because I never made a sound. I didn't make them trouble nor asked for attention. Chun Ja gave me that attention. So why would I need my parents?" Ga Eul said.
"She cared for you on purpose, so you wouldn't stick out to them, didn't she? She wanted to keep the attention all to herself." Yi Jung continued for her.
"Yes." Ga Eul replied.
"And I thought I had it bad in the siblings' department." He said, sarcastically.
Ga Eul laughed at his words. "You never talk about him."
"I feel guilty towards him sometimes. I wonder if I am the reason that drove him away. Then I remember that he left me alone to handle all the family problems. It's a never-ending cycle."
"No, I get it. It's hard playing the blame game. But I don't think it is either of your faults. It's your parents'."
"Maybe, but it feels like I'm hanging all of my mistakes on them."
"If it makes you feel better, this one isn't your fault." She said.
"That is so much better actually." He said, and they both laughed together.
"Enough with the sappy talk, I want to have fun after this much studying." Ga Eul said.
"What do you have in mind, then?" he asked.
"I was thinking of something, but I don't know if you'll agree." She said.
"Hit me."
"I want to take your car for a ride. I'll be the one driving. I want to see how fast it can go."
"I don't know about that." He said, reluctant.
"Come on. You know you want to." She said, pleading.
"Fine."
"I have the perfect place in mind. It's mostly quiet, so we would be able to drive without running into other cars."
"Ga Eul, are you sure about this?"
"Yes, don't worry. I have everything under control."
Her phone rang in her pocket, and she got it out to see the name on the screen. It was Hong Joon. She frowned, not knowing whether to answer or not. She had been ignoring him ever since their last meeting. She wanted to keep him tucked in the backside of her brain because she didn't know how to act around him anymore. She was stuck between feeling guilty and feeling anxious to stop seeing him. She felt horrible after she left him at the café last time. She decided to hang up on him. She could deal with him another day. But then he rang her phone again, and she couldn't handle ignoring him anymore.
"I'm going to take this call first then we can leave." She told Yi Jung, and got out of the studio to seek some privacy.
"Hello, Hong Joon. How have you been?" She asked him.
"I've been doing good, and you?"
"Everything's fine."
"Do you mind if I can see you right now?" He asked.
"I don't know about that, Hong Joon. I'm kind of busy today. Maybe another time?" She said.
"Please, Ga Eul. You said you would give me another chance. Don't do this to me. I-I can't handle it anymore." He pleaded.
"I really am sorry, Hong Joon. I really can't do today."
"I beg you. I can't stop thinking, and I need you with me. You're the only one who can help me. It's all too much."
"I'm coming." She said, hanging up the phone, scared. She was terrified of what he could do. To himself. He was alone right now. And she knew he wasn't well. Damn it, she cursed herself. She was an idiot for leaving him alone. She was an idiot for replying to him.
She got inside the studio in a hurry. "Something urgent came up. I have to go now. Let's do it another day. Okay?" She told Yi Jung, quickly gathering her stuff.
"What happened? I can help you." He said, standing up, ready to help her.
"I have to go alone."
"At least tell me what's going on?"
"I'll explain everything later."
"I'll be waiting for your call." Yi Jung said as Ga Eul closed the door to the studio behind her.
Ga Eul rang his bell a couple of times before he opened his door, looking like a mess. She followed him into his dark apartment. Ga Eul found his apartment a mess when she turned up the lights. Clothes were thrown everywhere, a glass vase was thrown on the ground, the water slashed everywhere, and poor flowers were wilting on the floor. His eyes turned to her, and he broke down on the floor.
"I just can't see a point anymore, Ga Eul. Now all I have is gone. She left me here all miserable, and then you started leaving me, too. What am I supposed to do now?" He said, crying.
"Hong Joon, no one is leaving you. What happened to Chun Ja was terrible, yes, but you can't do this to yourself. You have people around you who care." Ga Eul said, scooting down on the floor to meet him.
"What people? I have no one. I have nothing."
"That's not true. You had friends other than me. You have a job, and people depend on you."
"That's all bullshit. No one ever meant to me as much as Chun Ja. Everything has gone to shit now. Nothing makes sense anymore."
"I know, Hong Joon. I get it. Everything changed after her. But you have to get up. Come here, I'll help you." She said, getting up and extending her hand to him. He took it and stood up.
"You need some sleep and rest. Everything is going to be fine." She said, guiding him to sleep on the couch. He followed her and laid down. She got him a blanket and covered him.
"Don't leave." He said, holding her arm. She sighed and stayed by him on an armchair.
Ga Eul woke up the next day feeling horrible. She barely got any sleep as she rested on the armchair. She found herself in Hong Joon's apartment. She got up, stretching. She saw Hong Joon in the open kitchen making breakfast. "You woke up?" He asked her, smiling. He looked better now. A complete change from yesterday.
"Yes. Are you better now?"
"Much. Come here I made us breakfast." He said, putting eggs on the kitchen table.
"Let me go to the bathroom first." Ga Eul said.
She looked at the bathroom mirror. She felt tricked seeing him in such a sunny mood when he looked over the edge yesterday. She wondered if he played her or if he truly was better now. Hong Joon's brain worked in a different way than others, and she couldn't shake off the feeling of animosity towards him again. She was so tired of this situation. She splashed water on her face to freshen up a bit and joined him on the kitchen table.
"Do you have plans today?" He asked her as she was eating her eggs.
"No, I don't think so."
"Then would you like to have lunch with me today?" He asked.
"Sounds good." Ga Eul said, dejectedly.
"The restaurant will be a surprise. But dress a bit fancy." He said, excited.
"Okay. I have to get going now. I have school."
"Oh, right. Good luck." He said.
Ga Eul couldn't believe how he acted like nothing had happened yesterday. It was like he was a different person. But she couldn't risk leaving him alone today. She was scared he might do something to himself. The change in attitude made her creeped out.
After school had ended, she grabbed a dress from her parents' house. She was supposed to meet Hong Joon at a bus stop nearest to her. After getting changed, she was waiting for him at the bus stop when she got a call from Yi Jung.
"Are you okay?" Yi Jung talked first.
"I'm fine. Don't worry. I forgot to call you."
"It doesn't sound like you're fine."
"It's complicated."
"Come to my studio. We can talk if you want."
"I'd love that, but I can't right now. I'm in a situation."
"Are you still busy?"
"Kind of."
"How about tomorrow?" He asked, eager.
"I can't. I have to study. I'm so behind. I'll contact you first when everything cools down."
"Okay. If anything happens, call me."
"I know. I will. Thank you."
"Bye." He said, hanging up.
She could tell he was disappointed, but she felt helpless as she waited for Hong Joon to arrive. Hong Joon was a predicament she had no way out of. He arrived soon after her phone call with Yi Jung and picked her up. He looked too delighted for her own good.
They arrived at the restaurant, and she knew why he had called it a surprise. Chun Ja adored that restaurant, and sometimes she would tag along with her and Hong Joon. She never liked the food there, but Chun Ja did. Ga Eul exhaled as she took a seat on the table that used to be their regular.
"Remember this place? It was our favourite." He said.
"Yes, how can I forget" Ga Eul replied with a tired smile.
"I reserved this table, especially for us." He said. Ga Eul clenched a fist underneath a table. Getting nauseous, she closed her eyes for a second trying to calm herself down. She didn't want to ask when he had made that reservation because a part of her knew when. But she wanted to be proven wrong so badly at that moment. That restaurant didn't accept reservations that easily, and certainly not on last-minute notice.
A waiter had gone to their table, but Ga Eul couldn't get herself to look at the menu. Hong Joon ordered for her instead Chun Ja's favourite dish. She took a small bite of the grilled salmon before her, trying not to hurl up. She didn't hate the taste as much as she hated the memory associated with it.
She spent the evening playing with her food while Hong Joon droned on and on about old memories and all the things that she had missed on when they weren't talking before. Ga Eul had to use the hard-earned skill she acquired from all the useless social events and parties she used to attend with Chun Ja—Feigning interest. If there was one thing she deemed useful from these events, it must have been this skill. Ga Eul had learned from a young age that the opposite of love was not hate, yet indifference and the only way not to stand out was to seem attentive when people talked. She could tune out most of the conversation, and pick out keywords that seemed relevant to their topic. She would occasionally comment on it with respectful curiosity in order not to remain quiet for most of the talk. To make herself shown, so she wouldn't stand out as an outcast.
She had to listen to Hong Joon talk about himself while she tried her best to act on her best behaviour when she was fuming inside. She felt trapped in the heat of her anger and Hong Joon's meaningless words. She took a full breath of fresh air as they stepped out of the restaurant. Trying to calm her nerves switching between anger and oblivion. Her head a mess, she spent the car ride silent, watching the world beside her out of the car window.
She dragged herself on the ground from the bus stop to her parents' house. She felt lost again, her mind astray. She wondered what was going to happen to her now. Was there a way out of this cage? Was she ever going to escape the grudging clutches of the past?