Chapter 17

Ga Eul had spent the last week trying to catch up on a month's worth of schoolwork. She had used her exams as a diversion from the familiar emotions she was feeling and threatening to come out. She had hoped Jan Di hadn't noticed the change in her behaviour. She didn't miss her friend's sceptical glances every now and then. She didn't end up using Yi Jung's studio. She wanted time alone to gather her thoughts and finish up her work. She had just finished her last exam, and she needed to feel something. Her chest felt hollow again. Her eyes had barely gotten any shred of sleep due to her persistent nightmares. She felt alone again, trying to fight that familiar yet unnamed wind. That very fine string between reality and non-existence. If that current of wind managed to sweep her off, she didn't know what she might do to herself or to others. She was getting out of her school gates when she got her phone and called Yi Jung. She had promised to call him once she finished her exams, and so she did. He replied right away.

"Are you ready to race right now?" She asked him, mischievously.

"Ready when you are." He said, the smile evident in his voice.

"I'll see you at the studio, then." She said, before hanging up on him.

Ga Eul had decided to take him to a deserted road her uncle used to bring her to. He would drive as fast as his beat-up car could handle, scaring Ga Eul in the process. He would mock her naivety and fear. He claimed that he knew every curve, every stumble in that road. It was surrounded by the woods on each side, and they could break as many road rules as they had wanted, unsupervised. Her uncle was always a breath of fresh air from her uptight parents who frowned upon the way he used to live his life. His reckless ways made Ga Eul have a more hardened heart when it came to dangerous activities. Like what she was forcing Yi Jung to do right now. She was still in the passenger seat of his car, giving him directions to that road. It was a forty-minute drive from Seoul. They were getting nearer now. It was dark outside, and the only light came from the headlights of his car.

"You still owe me an explanation. Don't forget." Yi Jung told her, momentarily taking his eyes from the road. She knew he was right, and she was going to tell him. After all, he was the only person she could tell, but not right now. She wanted to numb the pain.

"You will get your explanation in good time." She said, her eyes inspecting their surroundings. She told him to take a left turn, and there they were. It was still as she remembered. A piece of life hidden from the world. The trees were thick and intertwined. It was dark save for the faint light of the moon. She looked over the side to Yi Jung to tell him they had arrived.

"I'm not so sure about this anymore, Ga Eul."

"Don't be so lame. I know this road like the back of my hand. Now, let me have the driver's seat." She said, opening the car door. He followed her suit and threw her the car keys. She caught them with one hand and took the seat behind the wheel. Her eyes filled with raw adrenaline. She gripped the leather of the wheel and put the key into the ignition. The hum of the engine revving gave her a satisfied grin. This car was made for speed, and she could hear it begging to be used to its full potential. She went slow at first, testing its speed. Her feet got used to the feel of the accelerator. With a smile, she pumped on it. The car gave her the response she craved. She could see Yi Jung in her periphery vision enjoying this as well. She took it as a sign to level up her speed. A curve was coming up, and she took the turn swiftly and fast, her grip on the wheel never faltering as she revolved it in her hands. She felt Yi Jung take the turn hard while he held the car's door for support as his body smashed into it. Her grin grew wider. She felt free and limitless. Her speed was growing. No one could hold her down. She suddenly felt the euphoria her uncle must've felt.

Yi Jung

At first, Yi Jung was impressed as Ga Eul took complete control of the car and the road. He inspected her as she looked fully in her element. He never saw her with this much energy or command. He felt proud looking at her. The sound of the tires screeching against the road was loud. Her eyes had a certain glisten to them he never saw before. He let out a chuckle when she swerved against a big bump on that road casually and with ease. She hadn't lied to him when she said that she knew that road like the back of her hand.

His pride in her soon turned to fear. Her expressions had changed, and what started as innocent fun turned into much much more. Her eyes shifted. They were no longer Ga Eul's. Like they were fogged up. The same eyes that looked up at him when he first saw her on that kitchen floor. Ga Eul wasn't there with him anymore. And he got petrified. There was no use calling out to her as he had said her name too many times. Her speed was accelerating, and with that speed, they could end up getting hurt. She took every turn with a violent rush. His last straw was when he could make out the headlights of another car. It was coming from their front, however, Ga Eul didn't seem to notice. She didn't change lanes to divert it. She didn't change her speed either. She didn't allow Yi Jung's warnings to let the car's bolting light speed wither. They were getting so close now, and he had to take matters into his own hands. He gripped the wheel from Ga Eul's hard rock grip. She didn't want to give it up. They fought over the wheel until finally, Yi Jung got hold of it just in time to change lanes fast enough. They managed to avoid the car just in time, but they both lost control of their car. They suffered the raging momentum of the car as they spun around in circles until Ga Eul finally got enough consciousness to stop the car. Their sudden halt caused her to smash headfirst with the wheel.

Yi Jung could hear her breathing, but her head was still pressed against the wheel. He wanted to violently shake her out of her daze. At that moment, his fear could've ruled out every bit of logic within him. Instead of screaming at her, he stayed silent. He knew she was returning back to him now. He wanted nothing more than shout at her. To make sure she was alright. But knowing Ga Eul, he knew the best course of action was to stay put.

After a while, Ga Eul finally rose up her head. Her forehead was violently bleeding. Her eyes were desperate and confused. He couldn't stand to look at her that way. His heart ached, and he wanted to help her in every way possible he could.

"Let me take the wheel. We need to get your forehead bandaged up." He said taking out his handkerchief and giving it to her to press on her wound.

They hadn't shared a word all the way to the nearest hospital and back. He was angry and scared for her. He was afraid he would say something that would hurt her if he spoke. He couldn't leave her like that. She looked too tired. He kept sneaking glances at Ga Eul who was looking out the window. Breaking the silence he said, "I have a little place near here. I'm taking us there."

"I want to go home. I'm too tired."

"You'll get plenty of rest there."

"I don't need babysitting, Yi Jung. I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, and your little outburst back there proves that?"

"I'm not having this conversation right now. Take me home." She said insinuating each word.

"Look, I'm sorry. Okay? But I can't leave you. If you were in my place, you would've done the same." He said, this time looking at her instead of arguing with the wheel.

"Fine." She said, her resolve faltering.

He owned a cottage near the hospital where Ga Eul got bandaged. He had long forgotten about that place, but the familiar roads sparked his memory. Ji Hoo was more of its rightful owner, but Yi Jung took it from him as a result of a drunken bet. It was two years ago, and he could hardly remember what the bet was about, but Yi Jung had won and got the cottage as a token.

He never liked the place. It was too shabby and homey for his liking. But the main problem was how quiet and eerie it was. Only Ji Hoo could find comfort in a place like that. While he and Ji Hoo were on the quieter spectrum compared to Woo Bin and Jun Pyo, he preferred partaking in more vibrant activities. Wallowing alone in sadness wasn't his way of handling pain. He couldn't stand the silence alone. It was too heavy to bear. Silence had more to say than a loud room.

He only went there twice. One time the night of the bet. And the other when he took the keys from Ji Hoo. He never spared the cottage another shred of attention after that. Ji Hoo had spare keys, and he was the one to that day taking care of the place. One might wonder why he still kept ownership of that place, and while he might not remember the events of the bet night, he could remember it was to prove a point. It was petty to still hold that place out of spite. But it was a message to Ji Hoo not to cross him. Even Ji Hoo couldn't be spared from Yi Jung's grudges. Knowing Ji Hoo, he had probably nudged in the wrong area back then—his parents.

Taking the keys from the nook between the wall and a little plant, he opened the wooden door of the cottage. It was tiny and suffocating. There was not much room for venturing. Downstairs was the living area. It had a bunch of wooden furniture scattered around a fireplace. There was a small kitchen open to the living area. The rooms and the bathroom were upstairs. The only upside to their situation was that Ji Hoo kept the place clean and tidy.

It took him quite a while after showering to light up the fireplace for some warmth. After struggling he sat on the couch beside the fire, trying to relax all the tension of the day while waiting for Ga Eul to finish showering. There were enough clothes for change for both of them. Ji Hoo's.

His mind kept wandering to the day he had found her, her hands covered in blood, and today. He had been curious about that day. But he never asked about it. The look in her eyes that day was frightening. He had to keep his mouth shut about what he saw in fear she would return back to her oblivious state. But now he felt compelled to get involved. Maybe not directly, but at least to know that she was safe. He now got what Ga Eul had meant by saying Jan Di was protective of her. Jan Di must've been familiar with what goes through Ga Eul. He hated the fact that this was a recurring state.

Ga Eul shortly joined him by the couch, wearing Ji Hoo's oversized pyjamas, her hair damp. Yi Jung tensed at her presence, not knowing what to say. Instead, he chose to admire the glowing orange flames engulfing each other.

"I'm sorry I got angry at you in the car." He said, breaking the silence first.

"I'm also sorry. You were just trying to help me."

"What happened back there, Ga Eul? It's not the first time I've seen you like this."

"I don't know. My mind goes blank sometimes and I lose control. It doesn't happen often. It was only a coincidence that you saw it twice."

"Ga Eul, please."

"Look, it used to happen a lot, but truly it rarely happens anymore."

"Your sister's ex-fiancé is the trigger, right?" He said, not missing the ongoing pattern. The moment Ga Eul got that call the last time she visited him in his studio he knew it had been him. Jan Di had said it before. No one was close to Ga Eul except Jan Di and recently himself. But Jan Di didn't know about the third person in her circle.

"It's that obvious?" She replied.

"Why do you still keep seeing him?"

"Hong Joon has had it hard ever since Chun Ja died, and he's been seeking some kind of solace in me. But the reminders of Chun Ja get so heavy."

"Are you sure that's it? He doesn't even sound like a remotely decent person. He doesn't do anything else?" He asked, hoping to get all the information he needed from her.

He could see her hesitating over her words. He felt guilty that he was somewhat pressuring her to spill it out. But he knew he wasn't going to stop there.

"He can be hurtful with his words. Whether when it's intentional or not. I'm not fond of helping him either but I'm going to put an end to it. I'm trying to slowly sever ties with him."

"That's the only logical action to take if I say so myself." He replied.

"It was bound to happen. I can't go on making sure he'd be alright all my life."

"It's a confusing relationship you have with him."

"Not exactly. I, him and Chun Ja were a trio back then. It only made sense that he went to me for help. We both lost her."

"I went overboard. My apologies."

"No, no. Talking about this is actually a relief. Hong Joon has always been a heavy secret I had to bear alone." She said. "Do you think there's tea in that kitchen?"

"Maybe. I'm not sure."

Ga Eul got up to the kitchen, opening the wooden drawers to find them tea and a couple of mugs. Yi Jung sat on a chair by the kitchen island. "This place doesn't suit you. Is it not yours?" She asked.

"On paper it's mine. But it's technically Ji Hoo's. I got it out of the bet."

"You love your bets." She said with a chuckle while waiting for the water to boil in the kettle.

"How did you know it wasn't mine?"

"You looked so iffy ever since we came here, and it's too humble to be yours."

"Good guess."

Their water got ready, and Ga Eul poured the boiling hot water into both their mugs. Yi Jung took his mug and took a sip after it cooled down. "Ugh. It tastes like mud water."

"Of course it does. What do you expect from a tea packet? Pour soul is trying its best."

"This is a crime against all tea enthusiasts."

Ga Eul took a sip of her own cup. "Yeah. That's definitely awful."

"See? It's not just my refined palate that rejects this crime of a cup."

"At least it's relaxing." She said.

"Oh, right. I almost forgot. My graduation is next week. Do you want to come?" He said.

"Mhm. I'm not sure. Would outsiders even be allowed?"

"Rules don't apply to us. And most importantly I was inviting you to the after-party. It's more of a ball."

"Ha, a ball?" Ga Eul laughed. "Is this your way of tempting me?"

"Definitely."

"I don't know if I can handle another event like this again. I've done my fair share of these social punishments in this lifetime." Ga Eul said.

"You used to go a lot?" He asked.

"Yes. My parents own a law firm, and they would host these kinds of events from time to time. Whether it was in celebration of winning a big case or reaching another huge milestone in their career. But the worst ones were Hong Joon's. His were on a bigger scale since his family is richer than us. And I would wind up knowing only two people in the room. Her and Chun Ja. That was torture."

"Why did you go then? Couldn't you have skipped out?"

"I tried so hard. But Chun Ja always wanted me there."

Before Yi Jung could respond, his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was his mother. With a sigh, he turned off his phone knowing that she wouldn't stop bothering him for the night.

"You can take it if it's important." Ga Eul said.

"It's my mother. Which means it's not important."

"I was curious about something before. Do you live with your parents?"

"Kind of. Depends on my mood if I'm honest. I have multiple apartments I crash into when I don't feel like going home." He said.

"Do you ever.. miss it? The feeling of having a home to return to, I mean. I know that I wouldn't return to living in that place even if my life depended on it. But I still miss back then when I used to have a home I could rely on." She said.

"It feels alone. As you have nowhere you belong." He replied.

"Yes." She exclaimed. "I do not wish to ever go back in time. I don't miss my family nor do I feel any longing towards my old life. But the younger Ga Eul, however naive she was, always felt a kind of security. Now I have none."

"When my brother left home, I did too. Not directly of course. That would mean that I had given up my art. Nonetheless, I felt no use staying there anymore. I didn't have a family anymore. That was the day I lost my home. Now, that family house became another place where I could sleep. Store most of my possessions. At the end of the day, it was only an empty space."

"But what if that means that life has no meaning? If I don't have anywhere to belong, does that make me cease to exist?"

"Ga Eul, is that what you're afraid of?" He asked, concerned.

"I don't know if I should've stayed alive. I sometimes wonder if my sister's death was a fluke. That it should've been me who died instead. If I had died, she would've still had a home. A loving family and a bright career. But look at me. I'm barely scraping by." She said, her voice broken and cracking.

"That's not true. What happened was beyond anyone's hands. Do not ever think that you have to justify your existence to someone. You don't have to prove to be worthy, Ga Eul. This is life and no one gets to choose to be born. If it so happens that your sister died, then that should have no effect on whether your existence is worthy or not."

"But I'm so scared that I'll disappear one day. I don't have-"

"It doesn't matter. Whatever comfort and security you thought you had before. You're here now after surviving on your own. It's going to take a while to build your own home brick by brick, but you can do it. You are not alone. I am here. Always for you." Yi Jung said, placing a soft grip on her hand. Ga Eul held his gaze, her eyes soft and teary. "Thank you" she mouthed the words.

"Well then, do you want to watch a movie or something? We could use a little bit of relaxing."

"Where do you think Ji Hoo hides his movies?"

"Maybe in that drawer beside the fireplace?" Yi Jung said.

Ga Eul went beside the drawer and knelt before it, rummaging in it to find anything while Yi Jung lay on the couch relaxing his muscles. "I don't think we'll like anything in here. All the movies are so sad. But would you be interested in listening to some classical music? He has loads of CDs in here."

"That'll be for another day." He said through a chuckle. "I don't particularly enjoy his taste in music."

"Then what do you listen to?" Ga Eul asked, crouched on the ground beside the drawer.

"I'm more of a jazz guy."

"Yeah, I remember." Ga Eul said, smirking.

"It was a great performance." He said, recalling that night in the club.

"You're too haughty."

"That's called being aware of one's virtues."

"Anyway, the only option left here is chess. Care to play?" She asked.

"I wouldn't mind."

After setting the chess board between them, Yi Jung and Ga Eul had been playing for four rounds with him winning each one. It was fun seeing her get more frustrated as she loses each one. The crease between eyebrows never faltered. He had realized this after inspecting Ga Eul—she loved puzzles. She loved solving and fixing problems. And right now she was set on cracking the puzzle before her—him.

"This is insane. You can't be this good at playing chess. There has to be a giveaway." She said, after losing her fifth round.

"Believe me when I say this is nothing but pure wit."

"No, I simply refuse to believe you're this smart. I must have a bluff or something."

"You don't particularly have one, but I do use Ji Hoo's bluff to my favour sometimes. They're useful."

"Then what is it?"

"I'll tell you after our sixth and last round." He said, teasing her.

"I'll figure it out one day." She replied.

Yi Jung's brain had probably turned into mush at that point. The day took a hard toll on him, but that didn't mean that beating Ga Eul was hard. He knew that winning was close, and by Ga Eul's latest move, he knew that he had already won.

"Check mate." He announced as his queen knocked out her king.

"How in the hell?" She spat out.

"You want to know the difference between us, Ga Eul? You play to observe, and I play to win. I've had many openings, but you didn't notice. You were too focused on figuring out a pattern in my moves that you barely made an attack on me. You were just protecting your king long enough to see me win. I made many risky moves to confuse you, and that left me vulnerable many times, but you were too focused on seeing sense in my decisions. Sharp perception could also be a fault"

"I guess I tend to do that a lot." She said, looking a bit baffled.

"See? It was pure wit."

"We'll see more about that in the future. One day, I'm going to beat you." She said.

Ga Eul stretched out her arms and yawned. "But that is for another day. I'm curious to see what movies Ji Hoo has." Yi Jung said, going to the drawer. His hands hovered over the dusty DVDs until his hands picked out one, and turned to Ga Eul, offended, and said, "Christmas in August isn't just a sad movie."

"I have never watched it."

"You're playing me." He replied, appalled

"I'm saying the truth." Ga Eul said, confused by his reaction. It was true that he could be biased when it came to that movie. A truth no one knew, and now he had realized that he had slipped up in front of Ga Eul.

"It's a good movie." He said, trying to smooth out his reaction earlier.

"Yeah right. You wouldn't have looked that offended if I had insulted your precious Lotus." She said, snickering. "Let's watch it to see if it's any good."

"You'll see." He said, putting the movie on. He tried to manoeuvre his way beside the fireplace in order to put their movie on. The tv was a few meters above the fireplace.

It only took 20 minutes into the movie for Ga Eul to sleep. She was curled up in a blanket beside him, and the view of her sleeping so soundly made his eyelids linger shut for a few seconds. He had promised himself it would be only five minutes. Only five minutes and he would wake Ga Eul up, and they would both sleep in their rooms. But it was too comfortable and inexplicably warm. He found himself unable to wake up, and they both slept on the couch until the sun had risen.