Chapter Nine
But that was a lie what she had told Nicky. Lorna didn't add the part about Marka Nichols' neglect leading Nicky to her as well as Red on purpose. She ignored that part of the equation because she didn't believe Nicky's being led to her was anything even remotely positive. Nothing good ever came out of Nicky's being around her. Lorna feared she was just as toxic for Nicky as Marka was. Possibly worse than Marka since she'd numerous times made choices that had outright caused Nicky visible pain. She had countlessly taken Nicky's love and heart for granted and in her mind that warranted she was the worst of the worst.
Anyone who took Nicky for granted was the scum of the earth in Lorna's eyes. That was like stomping on an angel in heaven—the complete most heinous act out there. And, in her eyes, she had committed that crime more than once and was justly sickened with herself for it. The self-loathing worsened each time she had inadvertently made a decision which resulted in Nicky's pain. She couldn't understand what good Nicky saw in her but she wasn't in the mindset to start an argument over that at this time, either.
"I was only a mom for two seconds, but I mean I don't know how any mom can't have the instincts to fall in love with their child. If I coulda traded places with Sterling so he could have a chance to live, I woulda done it in a heartbeat. I really don't like your birth mother, hon. I don't like anyone who thinks it's okay to hurt ya," Lorna truthfully commented as she peered straight ahead at the older woman. Each word she spoke she meant with every last fiber of her being. She would have walked on a fire if it meant her son's life would have been spared.
"You'll always be a mom, kid, regardless of if he's alive or not. No one can ever take your motherhood away from you, got that?" Nicky sternly assured the brunette when she witnessed the flash of pain that etched onto her face as she brought up the topic of her deceased son. She felt a pang meld inside her chest seeing the sight and naturally took a warm hold of one of Lorna's hands in her own. Tracing her thumb tenderly back and forth over each of its knuckles.
It hurt to witness Lorna's blatant grief—the grief that she was trying to desperately keep hidden but failing miserably at doing. The observation had Nicky desiring so badly to take Lorna in her arms and cuddle her while she finally allowed herself to feel each of her emotions she'd been holding back for way too fucking long. Yet, she knew that wasn't going to happen. Lorna refused to let her vulnerable side out and trying to pry it out of her was as easy as finding a needle in a haystack.
Nicky huffed out a breath and gave a warm squeeze to Lorna's hand. "You'da been the best mom to Sterling, Lorna. I mean that. You have the gentlest heart and the kindest soul. I'm so sorry ya didn't get a chance to mother him. Life's unfair as hell sometimes. Or most a the time, maybe."
Lips twitched between an empty smile and tiny frown but eventually the smile won out. A smile which failed to shine through her brown eyes. Sterling was spared a life with a doddery mother Lorna believed. She would have done whatever she could for her son but that hadn't negated the fact she knew she wasn't any good for him. She was too unstable in the head to parent a child right now (maybe ever, even). Though the last thing she wanted was for Sterling to pass away before he even had the chance to grow up, deep down Lorna had a sense that his passing was a blessing in disguise. It meant he didn't have to experience a life with a mentally insane mom and a father who was less than competent.
"It's probably a good thing he don't have to have a mom like me no more. I woulda just messed him up real bad," she voiced some of her thoughts aloud without having the opportunity for her mind to process it first.
"Why would ya say some shit like that, kid? That's bullshit. Ya wouldn'ta messed him up, not even in the slightest. I mean yeah ya got a mental illness but that doesn't fuckin' take away from how loving and good of a person you are. You understand that right?" Nicky arched an eyebrow while peering ponderously across at the brunette.
A strand of her brown hair fell over one of her eyes and Nicky quickly brought a hand up to stroke it tenderly away with. And as she continued to closely monitor the expression on Lorna's face, it wasn't that difficult for her to pick up on the tears threatening to spill out any minute from the bottom of her eyelids. She wished Lorna would give in and allow herself to feel her emotions but she knew the chances of such were pretty slim. Lorna had been rather standoffish since the birth of her son, going back to putting up her cheery façade around the rest of them. His death and the divorce with Vinny only seemed to intensify Lorna's choice to keep going with said façade.
Lorna took in a deep breath while at the same time violently sucked in the tears she felt at the brim of her eyes. Shoulders bounced up to the sides of her face in a shrug. Maybe if she had some sort of help with the mental illness she'd have a chance at being a decent mother but it didn't even fucking matter now. Sterling was gone and she was in this shithole. By the time she got out of there she had a sense it would be far too late for her to get any help with the state of her mental health. She'd be too far gone. She already felt like she was too far gone with the frequency of the hallucinations increasing by the day.
Despite how much self-hatred resided within her, more than anything did Lorna long to have some sort of treatment for whatever mental illness she was suffering with. She wanted a normal life, wanted a normal relationship with the woman she loved. The woman she heavily desired to spend the rest of her life with. Lorna wished she could be a normal girlfriend to Nicky, that she could be all the amazing things Nicky was to her—loving, selfless, sweet to name a few.
Overwhelmed from the numerous thoughts and worries plaguing her mind, Lorna settled on distracting herself with her cup of coffee. She looped her fingers through its handle, bringing it up to her lips so she could take a long sip of the warm liquid. When she was satisfied with the amount she had consumed she quickly replaced the mug back on its spot. Attention refocused on Nicky and the conversation the pair had been having.
Mindlessly, Lorna placed a hand on the surface of the table and let her fingers trace along it. "Too bad there ain't nothin' I can do to make my mind betta in here. I hate being loony Lorna. I wanna be normal Lorna. But I don't think I ever been normal. I always been crazy, even in grade school."
Swallowing a thick gob of saliva that had formed right near the tip of her tongue, Nicky shook her head. Every time Lorna referred to herself as crazy or loony a spike of anger ran through her veins. Not at Lorna but rather the people who had the fucking nerve to say those things about her with her in the hearing vicinity. They shouldn't have been saying that at all, Nicky deemed, but to say it when they knew Lorna was around was even crueler. If she ever ended up in the presence of any of those perpetrators she wouldn't be too sure if she could hold herself back from beating the living daylights out of them.
To calm away a bit of the bubbling fury Nicky took her cup of water off the tray and lifted it to her mouth. She chugged the contents of it all in one go, slamming the cup back down immediately after. "Yeah, fuckin' prison system sucks. Instead of giving ya the mental help ya need they throw ya in here to rot, it's bullshit," Nicky spoke through gritted teeth. She bit down on her tongue and sighed. "Stop callin' yourself loony Lorna, okay? Whoever fuckin' started that shit is an asshole. You're not loony and you're not fucking crazy. Ya just need some kinda therapy or somethin' to help ya. Hell, we probably all need some kinda therapy. And you know what, babe? Fuck being normal. There's no such thing as normal in here. We all got problems and there's nothing wrong with admitting that. There's nothing wrong with needing help, either. Or having feelings and emotions, ya know? You don't have to constantly put up an act that you're fine when you're fucking the opposite, Lorna."
Everything Nicky stated Lorna knew was true. She wasn't fine at all. Hell, she couldn't fucking remember the last time she was fine. Maybe never in her life had she been in the first place. That would make sense. Would give an explanation as to why she made the choices she did. Why she ended up in prison, why she fucking was sitting in the cafeteria at the max unit now. Her mind had likely been faulty and fucked up since the day she was born—or maybe even the day she'd been conceived. She wouldn't be one bit surprised if that happened to be the case.
Leave it to her to be the one born with an already messed up mind, she thought with a slight chill. Out of all three kids her parents had together, of course she was the one graced with this fiercely unwanted mental condition. That was just the shitty luck she had. Always the one who received what was least desired by everyone else around her. It started the day of her birth and continued now into her adulthood. Sure, recently, most of what was happening was because of her own shitty choices but the choices she made were heavily influenced by the faulty state of her mind. On some level she knew that. However, despite knowing the fact, it hadn't negated the self-hatred she harbored any.
Even though Lorna realized what Nicky was saying was nothing more than the truth, she couldn't stop herself from forcing her lips into a smile after many silent moments of thought passed. A lifetime of faking happiness wasn't going to disappear just because someone told her it was okay to feel her real and raw emotions. Fuck, she wished it was that easy. But nothing was ever easy when it came to being Lorna fucking Morello. She was lucky she hadn't choked on her own saliva yet today let alone have the energy to let herself feel anything that wasn't numbness.
The smile on her face caused a slight frustration to gradually swallow Nicky in. Trying to get through to Lorna was one of the most exhausting and challenging tasks Nicky ever had the pleasure of taking on. It wasn't something she had to do, she knew that, but she wanted to help Lorna. She wanted to see her through the pain and grief. She loved Lorna with her whole heart, it was natural for her to want to be her support system. But Lorna had the damnedest time accepting anyone's support. Nicky sighed and shook her head. Lorna was a complex individual. It would take a miracle for Lorna to finally admit the mere fact she was struggling and needed help and let her in. The only way Nicky could see something such as that happening was if Lorna hit rock bottom. She thought the loss of her baby and Vinny's leaving her would be Lorna's rock bottom but clearly it wasn't and that kind of realization scared Nicky. What could possibly be worse than either of those? She wasn't too sure she wanted to find out.
Days felt like years in prison but even longer years in max. As if one regular day on the outside was six years on the inside. Lorna was only thankful her body didn't age the way time seemed to be aging on. Now she had an insight on how dogs and cats must have felt aging between five and seven years for every one Earth year. It was some kind of warped time conundrum. Time mattered but also hadn't mattered at the same instant. And the more in which time passed by, the faultier and faultier Lorna's mind became. Nicky was more than right when she said she needed help but there wasn't anything that could be done in max to get supposed help.
The hallucinations remained in the same frequency as when they had started; sometimes Lorna forgot her son had died and would try to get a hold of Vinny to question how Sterling had been doing. Lorna felt she was living between two different realities—one where she was aware of everything that had occurred and the other where her baby was still alive. It made life a lot harder than it needed to be. She couldn't differentiate what was real and what wasn't.
And she knew the struggle was taking a toll on Nicky. She fucking loathed herself for that. Nicky was the only good thing in her life and she couldn't properly be the girlfriend Nicky needed and deserved right now. She wanted to be but her mind wouldn't allow it. Her mind had her trapped in this continuous loop where one day she was getting on well and the next she could barely bring herself to get the hell out of bed. It wasn't fair to Nicky. It wasn't fair to anyone.
She didn't know where the fuck to turn. None of the guards gave a shit about any of them and if she'd brought it up with one, all she'd get out of that would be thrown into the Florida unit. She didn't want that. It wouldn't help the delusions, would likely only encourage them to worsen. Going to Nicky wasn't a pliable option, either, Nicky already did way too much for her. This was her own problem and she was determined as hell to deal with it alone.
That was the reason Lorna currently found herself sitting in the closet she had once hidden a butter knife in all those weeks earlier. The only way she knew how to handle any of her problems was with some form or another of self-inflicted pain. It was comparable to fighting fire with fire. Nothing productive would be accomplished but she'd at least get a few glorious seconds of numbness before the blood started rushing towards wherever she chose to cut into with the knife.
Numbness, emptiness, nothingness—those were the sensations Lorna craved to experience. She needed those. Lately she'd felt everything all at once and it was too damn much. Too damn fucking much. She was sick of feeling. She wanted to be empty, to feel absolutely fucking nothing for once. She'd felt an overwhelming number of emotions since her childhood, so, it was about time she got a break from feeling anything at all. Even if it happened to only be for a couple of seconds or minutes she'd be grateful. Any amount of time was better than no time at all.
But as she searched through the old rusted out closet for where she had put the butter knife she came up emptyhanded. Panic struck her instantly. How had the knife just disappeared? She knew she hid it in one of the barren jackets she had seen lying on the ground the last time she came in there, which she then hid the jacket with the knife in a hollow box. Not only could she not find the jacket and knife but the box happened to also be missing.
Eyes frantically searched the entire room for any signs of those items but nothing was found. Tears swiftly formed in her eyes and fell along her cheeks. All she wanted was some fucking release from her emotions yet now she was forced alone in the closet to feel each one of them. No knife to use to numb her out. Just the empty closet and her fucked up mind. Her fucked up feelings and thoughts. The complete opposite of what she had been desiring to do.
What happened next, however, was something she hadn't even imagined would. She was jolted out of her frantic frenzy by the sound of the closet door's creaking open. At first she thought it might have been Nicky but whenever the person who opened it finally entered she was very much proven wrong. Lorna's eyes widened immediately upon seeing the culprit was Annalisa. The same woman who used a shiv to cut into Nicky's cheek with all those months prior before the volleyball tournament.
She couldn't imagine what reason Annalisa had to be following her into this closet now. Lorna swallowed uncomfortably and pushed herself up from the ground so she could exit the room before anything had the chance to go down between them. However, her journey was rapidly halted by Annalisa's backing into the doorway and blocking it from Lorna's path. Lorna froze where she was and the color drained from her face. Feet shifted against the cement floor underneath them. Was Annalisa about to use that shiv on her now? Worry and fear coursed through each of Lorna's veins as she stood pondering her fate.
A devious smirk shaped onto the blonde inmate's face while she observed the trepidation oozing off of the smaller, petite, inmate. Arms folded over her chest after she had grabbed an object from the pocket of her shirt. "Lookin' for something, Morello? Maybe a little knife or some shit, yeah?" Her voice was calm, soft-spoken even, yet a darkness lurked in the background. She released her arms from her chest to be able to hold up the very knife she'd been interrogating Lorna on.
The sharp item was dangled tauntingly in front of Lorna's brown eyes which stared at it in lust. Guilt rose within her to realize she was lusting after a fucking butter knife she had stolen from the ICE detention center. What kind of person lusted over an inanimate object like that? She was fucking beyond messed up. That was the only explanation that could be comprehendible as to why she was craving such an item.
"Well, ya gonna answer me?" Annalisa moved closer to the brunette, holding the knife out right in front of her face. The smirk she had intensified as she very lightly touched the tip of the knife onto the flesh of Lorna's forehead. "Could this," she whispered, mouth pressing unnervingly close to the other's ear, "be what you're searchin' for? This real wimpy butter knife? Ya hide this in here, yeah? I knew ya were a cutter, Morello, ya look like you'd have a thing for cuttin' yourself. But a butter knife? That's for beginners, right?"
Each time Annalisa spoke Lorna shuddered. The closeness was incredibly uncomfortable. She wanted to back away but Annalisa had a hand gripping fiercely onto one of her shoulder's. It was so tight she was sure there'd be an imprint of her hand afterwards. "Uh, no, course' not. I ain't no emo and how the hell would I get a butta knife in here? The guards woulda seen it," she tried to sound confident yet her lips quivered which had inadvertently caused her voice to shake as well.
A snicker whistled through Annalisa's throat. She traced the knife tip from Lorna's forehead to her cheek and then down to where her cheek met with her jawline. It wasn't pressed in enough to cause any marks or cuts but was enough to make sure Lorna knew it was there. "Liar," this time her voice was much louder, nearly a shout. "I saw ya put it in here a couple days ago. You had it in your bra, don't lie to me. I ain't a fucking retard like you are. You know damn well you were in here lookin' for it so you could stick your skin with the sharp tip. Course ya also know a butter knife won't give ya the same release as a steak knife, yeah?"
Lorna gulped uneasily at the comment. Had Annalisa been hinting at something? Eyes peered terrifyingly ahead into the cold blue ones looking at her. Was what Annalisa said code for Annalisa was going to stick her with a steak knife? She desired to get out from under the blonde woman's touch but was scared if she tried to Annalisa would do something to her. Legs gradually began to tremble as she stood there wondering what could possibly happen to her. Wondering if this was going to be her last day alive on this planet, in this prison.
"Can, can ya just leave me alone? Why'd ya take it if-if ya saw me put it in here?"
Annalisa chuckled and tapped the knife against Lorna's jawline. "Why? I was a concerned bystander is all, Morello. I mean they take cutters real serious in here. You wanna know what happens if a CO catches ya in here sticking that knife in your wrist or your arm or wherever ya cut your flesh?"
Nerves grew stronger. Pupils tripled in size. If she wasn't standing there breathing it would have been hard for someone to conclude she was alive rather than a corpse. A gob of saliva settled at the tip of her mouth which she thickly swallowed down. Were the COs about to come barging in to drag her away to the crazy side of prison? She'd much rather have Annalisa shiv her than to have to experience prison on that side of the building. She could handle a little physical pain but to have to be without Nicky for the remainder of her prison sentence—that was the worst of all. That was more painful than a cut to her cheek or wherever Annalisa planned on sticking her with the shiv.
"You, you ratted me out?" Lorna queried, her voice barely above the volume of a whisper.
The blonde shook her head with another round of snickers. She inched closer to Lorna until Lorna was backed up against the wall behind her. One hand she placed across her neck as a means to keep her where she was, but not wrapped around it to make breathing an impossible task. It was more of just a scare tactic. "I ain't no snitch, Morello. But I could be if ya don't listen to me," she spoke in a menacing tone, breath falling onto Lorna's face from the close proximity between them.
"Erm, what exactly do I needa listen to?" Fear excreted through Lorna's words. She hated how weak and shaky she was around the other inmates. It made her an easy target, she knew. No wonder she was the one who people chose to fuck with, to bully, to make fun of. She made it unbelievably easy for them.
"Well, your loudmouth girlfriend needs to be silenced so if I see ya anywhere near her I'm gonna shiv her. I mean it, Morello. I will corner her into a secluded closet and I will fucking stick her in the neck with my shiv. And if I ever hear ya go on about that fuck head of a baby of yours again, either, I'll shiv Nicky and you and then tell the COs you did it. I'll tell them how fucking crazy you are—how much you love cutting your own skin. Got it?"