Chapter Seven
She didn't know what had come and possess her to spill all of this out to Gloria but there was no stopping her now. It all had been kept inside for far too long. Regardless of whether she wanted to share anything or not, it needed to release itself and no matter how hard she tried Lorna had no control over what came spewing out of her mouth. The feelings and raw emotions were too overpowering for them to remain inside any longer. All she could do at this point was hope to God Gloria kept what was said on the downlow. The last thing Lorna needed or desired was to be sent to Florida where she knew she'd likely never see Nicky again—at least not until either of them were released from prison.
"The only person who's the reason I want to cause myself pain is me. Okay? It's me, not Nicky. Nicky's the most selfless person I ever met and I fucking hate myself for hurting her. That's why I took the knife, Gloria. Please don't tell anyone about this, okay? I promise I won't take anymore butta knives but just keep this to yourself. I don't wanna be sent to Florida," Lorna pleaded in desperation.
A sigh came out. Gloria released the embrace but framed a hand around the younger woman's face, holding it right out in front of her own. Lips curved into a frown as she peered compassionately into the frantic ones ahead. "How is cutting yourself gonna make things better, though, honey? Nicky wouldn't want you to do that to yourself—"
Lorna interjected by throwing her hands exasperatedly up in the air. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore. Okay? I gave ya the real reason now can we drop it and go back to normal, please? I just wanna do my job and get outta here."
"There's no back to normal anymore, Lorna. You just dug yourself into a real deep hole here. I can't just fuckin' ignore this shit. You're tellin' me you plan to keep hurting yourself with that knife even though there's a risk you could fucking end up dead from cutting too deep and you want me to just go along with that? Lorna, I am not an enabler of self-mutilation and I will not just pretend you didn't admit this to me."
Biting down on her tongue, Lorna bowed her head slightly and placed a finger on her mouth. "Would ya please just keep it down? I don't want the whole damn prison knowin' my business," she whispered when she noticed a few of their fellow inmates were staring at them. Her face reddened instantly and all she could think about was what she felt like the one and only time Christopher had paid her a visit. A knot melded into her stomach and she pressed both of her hands onto her face, violently rubbing them up and down its length.
Gloria shook her head sadly. How could she let something as serious as this slide? If she did that would mean she was giving Lorna permission to slowly commit suicide which wasn't anything she wanted to be associated with. She couldn't live with herself if her silence led to that type of an outcome. "You will not kill yourself on my watch," she firmly responded back with, though this time she whispered it to appease the other. "I don't condone suicide. So you're now going to be under my watchful eye whether ya like that or not. I refuse to let you take your life just because of temporary circumstances."
"I'm not fucking suicidal, Gloria. I never said I want to kill myself—"
"You implied it, honey. I asked you if ya care that there's a possible chance of death if ya keep cutting yourself and you didn't deny it. This route you're going is simply just a slow suicide and I won't just sit and let that happen to you."
"Why? Why does it matter to you if I end up dead or not? I mean we're not even close or nothin' so I don't understand why ya can't just pretend we never talked about this," Lorna pointed out, wagging a hand in the air as she spoke.
Breath hitched a tad amount in Mendoza's throat. Maybe Lorna was right that the two of them weren't close or anything but that certainly hadn't meant she was okay at all with the idea of Lorna cutting herself and possibly ending up dead from said decision. She never had anything against Lorna so to hear her admit all of this shit, it made her heart ache vastly for the girl. Lorna wasn't a bad person, just someone who had been through a lot. And sure, she made some mistakes, but did that mean she should die? Absolutely not.
Gloria took in a breath once she was finally able to again and brushed the palm of her hand soothingly along the cheek she had it pressed up to. "It matters to me because you're a sweet, young, girl who has a whole fuckin' life to live. Plus don't ya got your son waitin' for you when ya get out? You don't wanna risk his losin' a mama, yeah?"
The color faded from Lorna's face within a matter of seconds. She shook herself out of Gloria's grasp and then backed farther and farther away from her until she felt her spine press up against someone else. She moved forward while profusely apologizing to whoever the person was, then frisked her way up to where Officer Bell had still been standing with eyes glued down onto her phone. "Is there—can I use the bathroom? I-I need a bathroom, please," her voice tremored a bit as she tried to calm her nerves.
"Not until you get back to camp, Morello. Shoulda peed before you left," Bell responded without looking up from the device. She chuckled slightly at a text she received and then tapped her fingers on the phone to type up a response to it.
Anxiety intensified upon the answer she had received. Lorna needed to get out of that room. Staying in there caused her to feel rather suffocated. Not just from the fact that Shani was within touching distance of Nicky but even more so from Gloria's queries regarding Sterling. "I have to-to uh to throw up real bad. Please, I don't wanna contaminate the food or nothin'," she all but begged hoping the lie would convince Bell to allow her into the bathroom.
A sigh huffed out of the officer. She reluctantly placed her phone in her pocket and peered across at Lorna. "Jesus, Morello, fine. We don't need ya pukin' all over the food. Come with me," Bell waved a hand at her before turning and leading her out of the kitchen in leu of where the restroom was.
When Nicky finished her discussion with Shani, she turned to go find Lorna but was surprised to see absolutely no sign of the petite brunette. Her eyes landed on Gloria, who was just seemingly standing in the middle of the room looking as emotionless as ever. Curious as to why that was Nicky cautiously made her way over to the Hispanic woman. She lifted a hand, placing it on her shoulder from behind, and tapped gently on it to gain her attention.
"You okay, Mendoza?" Her husky voice softly called out.
The question and who had asked her it rapidly caught the older woman off guard which in turn caused her to nearly trip over her own feet as she turned around to face said person head on. The corners of her mouth naturally curved upwards into a smile and she gave a cautionary nod of her head in response. Even though she desired to inform Nichols of the conversation she just had with Morello she had already promised Morello she'd keep quiet on the matter. At least for the time being, she had made a compromise with herself.
So much time had been spent interrogating Lorna that Gloria had almost forgotten the entire reason all of them had been brought down to this facility in the first place. She scrambled over to the counter to start hurriedly preparing the meals for the inmates. While she began washing and chopping the onion she glanced back up at Nichols, who remained in her spot with the same concerned mien upon her face. "Oh, yeah, I just was havin' a little daydream is all. How're you doing, Nichols? You and that Shani girl still going strong?"
A breath expanded out from her lungs but temporarily got caught up in her throat before finally releasing itself a moment later. Nicky followed over to where Gloria was and decided to help her with the washing of the onions. "Nah, I actually just broke things off with her. I wasn't really feelin' it anymore. Didn't wanna string her along, ya know?" The cleaned produce she placed in the bowl that Gloria had set out and once all of it had been washed, both women sliced the onions into tiny slivers.
Gloria nodded while putting the chopped up pieces of onion into the pan she had just buttered and set on one of the burners of the stove. "I get that. I'm just surprised to hear ya broke things off with the girl. Looked the two a you really were hittin' it off but maybe that was just lust, huh?"
"I thought so, too, but then I sat for a while and realized I could live my whole life without Shani and not feel like it's unbearable but living my life without Lorna in it—that's a life I don't wanna live. Call me crazy for always goin' back to her but I can't stop myself from loving that woman. There's no one like Lorna. Absolutely no one. No matter how many different women I fuck they will never compare to Lorna. They will never be enough. My heart wants Lorna and I can't fight my heart. Every time I try I end up right back where I started. Am I messed up for wanting a straight girl like Lorna? A straight girl who's broken my heart multiple times now? Hell yeah I am but I don't care anymore. She's the only woman I want to be with for the rest of my life."
Hearing Nicky's heartfelt revelation Gloria was convinced she needed to reveal some of the conversation she had earlier with Lorna. Maybe it was wrong of her to go against the promise she made to Lorna but in the long run doing so would be of great benefit to both she and Nicky. She used a spatula to stir the onions around the pan with then returned her gaze onto Nicky. "You can't help who you love. And you're certainly not crazy for that, Nicky. I don't think she ever meant to hurt ya but course that doesn't make it okay that she did. Sometimes we're blind to our own feelings and make decisions unknowingly that hurt others because of it. Doesn't make it right but it provides an understandable reason," she informed the younger woman as she added in the diced tomatoes and peppers that Flaca had just brought over.
While seasoning the vegetables, she continued on with her little spiel. "But I can assure ya that Lorna isn't straight. Straight girls don't have feelings for other girls like she clearly does for you. I think the two a you oughta just sit and talk this out, yeah? That's probably the best way to navigate this, don't ya agree?"
"Oh, we did. That's why I broke off whatever was between Shani and me. I just know everyone probably thinks I'm an idiot for going back to Lorna all the time. I don't know, am I an idiot? I mean Lorna's not a bad person or anything, she just—she doesn't know how to accept herself lovin' another woman. But I think she's finally comin' around. She won't stop apologizing."
A knot twisted into the pit of Gloria's stomach the longer she listened to Nicky speak about Lorna. Guilt gushed through her at the fact that she had pertinent information on the brunette that she was sworn to secrecy over. Information she felt needed to be shared with Nicky even though she knew it wasn't her place to say anything no matter how badly she wanted to. "I don't think you're an idiot and I don't believe Lorna's a bad person. The two of you will figure things out, I know you will. Just be patient and it'll all work out."
It was quiet in the bathroom aside from the sound of the water in the sink running. Lorna felt relieved at the silence—it was rare to experience this level of it. There was always talking or some sort of noise going on in the prison. Never any time where there was absolutely no noise like there was now in the restroom. She cupped her hands underneath the faucet and then splashed the water onto her face. For a moment she forgot that she was in prison, that she was no longer the same Lorna she used to be, that everything in her life had gone to shit. For a moment she just existed. Nothing was bad and nothing was good. Everything just was.
She craved to stay in that moment forever. To just exist with no worries at all. Like a tree. Trees existed, were living and breathing things but they didn't experience any form of emotions. They were only trees. They didn't need to think, didn't need to feel, all they needed was air and water. Why couldn't her existence be as simple as that of a damn tree? Why couldn't she just need air and water to exist? The emotions, the feelings—those were all too much. Exceedingly overwhelming to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Trees and other plants had it fucking made.
When she came out of her trance, she shut the water off and took a moment to inspect her reflection in the mirror which had hung on the wall right above the sink. It was foggy and faded from the amount of grime and dirt that had taken over the majority of it. But her reflection still showed itself through the layers. She swallowed thickly and shuddered at the sight of her own face. She looked like the numbed out zombie she felt on the inside. Her flesh appeared so pale that the bags under her eyes looked almost completely black. Eyes closed shut so she wouldn't have to see herself for a second longer. They opened up after a couple of seconds and as they glanced into the mirror the vision before her caused her entire body to stiffen tremendously. Lorna raised both hands up, rubbing her eyes with them to try to clear out whatever was making her see what she was currently seeing but the gesture only made things worse.
Tears involuntarily formed at the base of her eyelids and poured over them in truckloads. She thought life was taking a turn in the right direction for herself but now she was stuck with the silhouette of Shani hovering behind her in the mirror's reflection. A sharp knife could be witnessed in one of Shani's hands which seemingly was resting behind Lorna in the mirror. She turned her head to look behind herself and was relieved to see no one was there. But when her eyes returned onto the mirror there stood Shani once again behind her with the knife, looking about ready to stick her with it.
A knocking on the door finally pulled Lorna out of the hallucination or whatever it was causing Shani to show up in the mirror behind her. "Morello, get out here before the van leaves you behind," she heard Officer Bell call out to her from the other side of that door. Lorna hurriedly abided and went over to the door, carefully opening it so she could walk out of there. She followed behind the CO until she stopped at the front entrance where the rest of the inmates had been waiting.
It was only a matter of seconds before Nicky was coming towards Lorna with the deepest bout of concern oozing out of her big brown eyes. Because they happened to be surrounded by quite a bit of COs, Nicky only took a hold of one of Lorna's hands rather than pulling her in for a tight embrace like she had desperately yearned to do. She brushed the tips of her fingers delicately along the inside of the hand she lovingly cradled in her own. A breath of air was slowly inhaled through an open mouth. Eyes peered intently on the brunette beside her, clearly picking up on the faint trepidation displayed upon her face.
They were the last two to get in the van, much to Nicky's pleasure, which meant they ended up sitting right beside one another. At least it gave her a chance to question Lorna on why she looked so ghostly and afraid. "Everything okay, kid? Ya seem like ya seen a ghost or some shit?" She queried the second the pair of them were settled into their seats. Having a bit of privacy from the COs now that they were up front in the driver and passenger spots, Nicky felt it was safe for her to proceed in wrapping a protective arm around Lorna's waist.
However what happened immediately after caused a shiver to course through her spine. The second her arm secured itself around Lorna, Nicky felt the woman violently flinch from the physical contact between them. Concern and worry instantly came to the surface as she removed her arm from Lorna's waist so that she could softly frame both of her cheeks in her hands. "Hey, what's the matter? Why did ya jolt a little when I was holdin' you, huh? What's wrong, kid?" She kept her voice gentle while interrogating the other to make certain she knew she wasn't angry with her or anything of that sort.
Lorna meekly let herself relax against the touch of Nicky's hands around her cheeks though very faintly shuddered at the heated round of queries being thrown her way. What happened in the bathroom would sound completely insane if she let it slip out of her mouth right then—especially with the other inmates in hearing range of their conversation. But even if the two of them were somewhere private she still wasn't entirely sure if she could share with Nicky what she'd witnessed when in that bathroom.
Sighing out a deep breath, Lorna innately laid her head against the older woman's shoulder and covered one hand over top of the one that had been cupped around her cheek. She closed her eyes for a few seconds before reopening them and peering back up at Nicky. A forced smile was molded onto her face as she did so. "Nothin's the matter, hon. I'm just not uh feelin' too great, hadda run to the bathroom before we left. Think the musty smell a this place is just gettin' to me, ya know?"
"Yeah? Poor thing, we'll get ya some ginger ale when we get back to the prison…or I'll try to anyway. I'm sure there's some idiot I can barter for one from," Nicky told her, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head and then resting her chin over the same spot, after, to keep it tucked close to her. The two remained in that position until the van came pulling up to max a couple of minutes later and they had to move in order to exit the vehicle.
Lying on her bed, tucked securely in with the wool blanket, after Nicky had insisted she try and get some rest while she went off to barter for that ginger ale she had promised her, Lorna gazed intensely up at the base of the top bunk which was directly over top of her lower one. She took a mental note of each metal bar that ran across the middle of it. If she was a piece of furniture life would be much simpler for her. She would have no conscience and therefore wouldn't be able to experience emotions or feelings or have the capability of thinking. What a dream of a life that would be.
Not having to think at all would give her a much needed break from reality. Maybe if she had no ability to think she wouldn't have the hallucinations which appeared to be plaguing her quite a bit often recently. Hallucinations that at the time they were happening felt incredibly real and terrifying to her. Like she was living out her nightmares but in the real world rather than just her sleep cycles. There wasn't anything she knew to do to help stop them from occurring, either, none of the guards would help her if she told them nor would any of her fellow inmates take her seriously.
The faulty wiring in her brain just seemed to keep getting faultier and faultier by the day. There was only so much she could do to try to avoid its worsening—eventually her faulty brain might lead her right down the hall to the Florida block. She only had a year left of her sentence but there was no chance her mental illness would be any better by then. And she despised the thought of having to spend the last year in fucking Florida. She wanted to be here where Nicky was, where they could work on repairing their relationship. That was something she craved for more than anything.
Nicky was her everything—she couldn't spend any more time apart from her. She didn't want to.
Air whistled its way out of her windpipe and a temporary chill came over her. Lorna reached for the blanket, pulling it up even further so it completely wrapped around her body other than her head. She shut her eyes to see if sleep might possibly overtake her but it didn't and after several minutes had gone by she opened them up again. A snuffle of a breath was sucked in through her nose immediately following that; she turned her head in direction of the door to check if Nicky was back and was met with nothing.
Shoulders raised themselves up towards each cheek as a big gush of air forced its way in and expanded her chest cavity while traveling down to her lungs. Eyes returned on the upper bunk but then an eerie sound caught her off guard and she fixed them in the path of where she believed it originated from.
Of course what she was looking at now—or who, rather—was Shani's standing in the doorway, the knife she witnessed in her hand earlier in the mirror of the bathroom in her hand once again here, too. Lorna took the wool blanket and used it to cover over her face so she wouldn't have to stare any longer at the Egyptian woman, however, that didn't negate what happened next from not happening. Within seconds of hiding under the blanket she heard footsteps come frisking towards her and soon after felt a pair of hands tighten around her neck.
The blanket was still covered over her head which made trying to escape from the person's grasp virtually impossible. She couldn't catch her breath and the tight grip on her neck only continued to get tighter. She felt her legs begin kicking and thrashing at the foot of the bed, but they were unable to accomplish anything. She tried to scream though nothing came out except more air gasping.
Nicky finally came walking into the cell, the can of soda in one hand, and within seconds of her reentrance she was hurrying her way to Lorna's bedside in a panic.