Chapter 9
The next morning Frankie looked upon her tent mates as they woke. She had been up half the night worried about disclosing the truth. BJ opened his eyes as the rooster that Radar kept woke the camp. He noticed Frankie was sitting on the edge of her cot looking worried.
"You sleep at all?" BJ asked pushing himself up.
"Not much." she confessed.
"Worried how Colonel Potter will react?" he asked knowing.
She nodded, "Petrified to be honest."
"Relax," he soothed. "It will be alright." he assured.
Hawkeye and Charles also rose with the sound of the rooster. The pair spotted Frankie fully dressed and sitting on the edge of her cot with a worried look.
Hawkeye assumed, "Worried?"
"Yes," she nodded. "I can't sleep, can't eat. I'm a mess."
Charles assured, "Soon your worries will be over, my dear. I had sent a note to Colonel Potter last night for him to see us in the Swamp first thing."
She gulped, "I suppose I should pack my bags then."
"Nonsense!" he insisted.
A moment later Colonel Potter walked through the door of the doctor's tent. He found all four doctors were up early. He asked, "What did you want to see me about first thing, Winchester?"
"We might have a way to get rid of Colonel Burns early." he stated.
"I'm all ears." he told the doctors.
"Captain Barns is key to the plan." he informed.
"Let's hear it." he nodded wondering what brilliant plan the doctors came up with.
"But first Captain Barns has something to tell you." he stated. He was secretly hoping Colonel Potter would not turn on Frankie and have her arrested.
Potter looked at Frankie and asked, "Captain?"
She sat for a moment. "I…have a confession to make."
"Let's hear it son." he stated wondering what kind of confession the young doctor had.
"I…ah…I'm not what you think I am." she gulped.
"Son?" he asked confused.
Hawkeye interrupted, "Not quite."
Colonel Potter looked at Hawkeye. The doctors all seemed to be in on some kind of secrete. "Just what is going on?"
"I snuck in." she confessed. "I lied to get into the Army Medical Corps."
"How so?" he asked fearing she was not a doctor or some kind of imposter.
She explained, "They wouldn't accept me because…I'm the wrong…gender." she swallowed hard.
He paused and cocked his head in thought.
BJ stated, "She's a girl. The Army would not accept her because she's a girl so she passed herself off as a boy and here she is. The best surgeon we ever had!"
Potter slowly nodded as it all made sense to the man. The walk, the talk, the privacy screen, the late night showers. "You are a girl?"
She nodded, "Yes. I was angry at the Army when they said I could join as a nurse so, I snuck in to prove the system wrong. Then after I got in, I figured out I was in a whole bunch of trouble and I was just going to lay low and get back out before anyone found out. Then the other doctors found out. Then Colonel Burns showed up. Now, I'm confessing what I did because Major Winchester has a plan." She winced, "I'm going be arrested and face a court martial."
A small smile crept across the Colonel's face. "You are not the first woman to sneak into the Army. When I was a young buck in the Calvary, there was one officer. He was tough as nails, could ride, could shoot and turned out he was a she."
She gasped, "Really!"
"Really!" he confirmed. "How long have you three been hiding the truth about Captain Barns?"
"A few weeks now." Hawkeye admitted.
He looked to Frankie, "They have been behaving themselves around you?"
She nodded, "It's like having three big brothers all watching out for me."
"Anyone else know?" he wondered.
She shook her head. "Just you."
"I see." he gave a nod. He then asked, "What's this plan of yours, Winchester?"
"Have the Captain take on the roll of doctor and nurse." he told him. "We make it so Captain Barns is two different people and use the alter ego to confuse Colonel Burns."
BJ added, "Without Frank finding out that Frankie is a girl."
Hawkeye stated, "We get Frank to think he's losing it."
The Colonel asked, "How would Captain Barns be able to pull that off?"
"Obviously, we would help cover for her." Charles stated. "We can take a page from the play and have Captain Barns pose as twin brother and sister. The sister a nurse; the brother a surgeon. Remove the fake mustache, Captain."
She complied and peeled the article off her upper lip.
Charles continued, "As you can see, she's rather pretty out of disguise. We would have to let the nurses know and have Colonel Burns become infatuated with the twin sister. Then, Captain Barns goes back to being the brother and sister disappears. We then deny the sister ever existed and convince Colonel Burns she was a figment of his imagination and he needs psychological help."
Frankie figured, "Kind of like a bait and switch. I get Colonel Burns infatuated with me as a nurse. Then, the nurse disappears and I am a male doctor again. When he goes to find the nurse, everyone tell him she never existed and he loses what little sanity he has left."
BJ stated, "That's almost cruel."
"It's Frank!" Hawkeye reminded him.
"I said almost." he replied. He then asked, "If this works and we get rid of Frank Burns for good. What happens to Frankie? Will she be sent to a court martial?"
The Colonel smiled, "You already proved there is a place for women doctors, Captain Barns. I'll make you legit. I know a certain General who owes the MASH 4077 a big favor." He referred the General who sent Frank Burns to the camp for the purpose of getting the insane doctor out of his hair. "For now," he looked about the tent. "I want Captain Barns true gender to remain a secret. The less people who know about this little sting operation, the better. I will have Captain Barns sent to the 8063rd to assist on paper. We will bring in the nurse cover so you don't have to switch back and forth. Get Burns to focus on you as a nurse. Then, we bring back Captain Barns and the nurse was never here. We tell Colonel Burns he was hallucinating and not such nurse existed. We should only have to tell Major Houlihan of the plan. Then, we can disclose Captain Barns to the camp once Frank Burns is gone."
"How am I supposed to pass myself off as my own twin sister and a nurse?" she wondered.
Charles stated, "You are twins. The brother is Frances and the sister is Francine. You as the brother is Frankie and as the sister you will go by Fanny. Frankie and Fanny Barns. Twins." His mind conjured up the roles much like a director of a Broadway play.
She asked, "If we get wounded? I can't operate as a nurse."
Sherman changed the plan slightly and stated, "You will be a doctor who was forced to join the Nursing Corps and allowed to operate. You will operate even as a nurse. That is the cover I will need to get you officially in the Medical Corps. You work as a doctor but under the nursing corps."
BJ figured, "That will force the brass to let her in as a doctor."
Charles added, "She will require makeup, a new hairdo and women's clothing."
Hawkeye stood smiling mischievously. "And we are just the three big brothers to mold our little girl." He rubbed his hands thinking of the makeover.
She winced, "Oh boy."
Later that Day
Colonel Potter needed a new uniform for Frankie for her mission to get rid of Frank Burns once and for all. She needed a skirt and women's jacket and women's shoes. He knew just the man to make the required clothing, one Maxwell Klinger. He went to Klinger's tent and stepped inside. He found Klinger at his sewing machine and making costumes for the play.
Corporal Klinger looked up and grinned. "You came to see the new costumes for the play, Colonel?" He was excited to share his hard work.
He shook his head, "I have a special mission for you, Klinger. If this mission is successful, Colonel Burns will be out of our hair early and for good."
"What's the mission?" he asked enthused.
"First, I need to tell you some classified information." the Colonel stated. "This information cannot be shared with anyone at this time. You will be the only enlisted man who knows and few officers know."
Klinger came to attention and stood proudly at his sewing table. He was sporting his fatigues for he actually wore the uniform when he sewed the dresses. "You can count on me, sir." he saluted.
The Colonel stated, "First thing you need to know is about Captain Barnes."
Klinger grew worried for the new doctors was his favorite. "Is the Captain okay?"
"The Captain is fine. It's just he is a she." he disclosed.
Klinger paused for a moment.
"The Captain tried to join up as a female but they would not let her since the Medical Corps only accepts male doctors. Captain Barns is key to changing that old out dated policy, Klinger." he explained.
"You mean…he's a she and he…?" he seemed a bit baffled. "Does Major Houlihan know?" he wondered.
"The Major will be brought in on the mission." he stated. "What I need you to do is make a women's dress uniform, complete with handbag and shoes for Captain Barns. She will be coming into camp posing as her own twin sister and a doctor in the Nursing Corps. I will have Captain Barns sent away to the 8063rd on paper. We will switch her out and have her pose as Fanny, twin sister to Frankie. Then, she will entice Colonel Burns and we yank her out, replace her with our Captain Frankie Barns and let Colonel Burns think no such person ever existed and he was hallucinating. We have him sent to a mental hospital where he belongs." The Colonel stated, "I will have Captain Barns come to your tent for fitting and measurements. You can't tell anyone the plan or Captain Barns is a lady doctor. Understand?"
"Not really," he confessed. "But if means helping Frankie and getting rid of Colonel Burns, I'm all in." he promised.
"Good! I'm sure Captain barns can clear up any confusion. Just remember, this is top secret and you don't tell anyone what you know." he reminded him.
"Aye, aye, Colonel." he saluted.
Meanwhile
Frankie decided to gather Margaret for breakfast. She wanted time to speak to the head nurse and tell her the truth before anyone else. She found Frank Burns at the door of Margaret's tent and Margaret looking very upset once more.
"I'm not letting you in my tent, Frank." Margaret huffed. "Now, I'm going to breakfast and I don't want you sitting with me either."
Frankie approached, "Morning Margaret." she greeted.
Margaret saw Frankie as a route to escape Frank Burn's intimidation. She walked away from Frank and smiled brightly. "Morning Frankie. Let's have breakfast."
Frank huffed, "Are you really going to dump me, a Colonel for this little twerp who is barely a Captain, Margaret?"
Frankie smirked and stated, "She is, she has and get lost."
Frank gasped shocked, "Did you just talk back to me? I'm a Colonel you little twerp."
She cocked her head and replied, "And I don't care."
"I will have you written up." he warned.
She stated, "You are insane. You belong in a mental asylum, Colonel and I intend to make that report on you."
"You are a surgeon. Not a shrink." he declared.
She saw an opportunity and came up with a cover story. "My twin sister is a shrink. She can tell you just how nuts you are if you don't believe me."
"You have a twin sister?" he asked not believing.
"Fanny!" she went with the cover. "She's got more degrees than me. Is an MD and has a PhD. Even out ranks me. Is a Major. Things is, she's stuck in the Nursing Corps though she should be in the medical corps. She's way smarter than me."
Margaret stated, "I had no idea who have a twin sister." She then sounded, "Of course she is stuck in the nursing corps. How dare they let a woman doctor in the Army Medical Corps." she rolled her eyes annoyed.
Frankie hooked Margaret's arm with her own to pull her away from Frank Burns. "Let's go get something to eat, Major." She led her away with Frank left trailing behind them.
"I would love to meet your sister." Margaret told her.
"You will." she nodded. "She will be coming to the 4077th."
"I haven't been notified of anyone new coming here." she told her.
"Be about a week." she informed. "During that time I will be at the 8063rd."
Margaret begged, "You can't leave, Captain. Not with Frank back at the 4077th."
She smiled, "Don't worry about a thing. My twin is going to take care of him."