Yay! Bonus chapter! This one is short, but it will have a couple companion chapters. Elliot said he went to Olivia's apartment the night of the shooting, but never came up. This chapter explores the alternative option. What if he did go to her that night?
The sheets of rain slamming against his windshield drowned out the sound of the radio. His eyes wandered to the clock on the dash for the third time. He knew he should go home. He knew that, but the thought of returning home to his wife and children made his stomach churn. All of his kids were alive and well, but Jenna…Jenna was dead, and he was responsible.
He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel and tried to catch a glimpse of light from her apartment through the torrent of rain. She would still be awake. Sleep was elusive for the both of them. They had seen too much, done too much, and nights like this, nights when one of them had to choose to end a life, sleep would be impossible.
The rain pelting the windshield made everything feel surreal, maybe even dreamlike. He stared at her window, feeling like he was at a crossroads. He felt a spine shuddering premonition that whatever he did tonight would forever change the trajectory of his life. He could leave. He could keep his feelings locked up where they belonged…or…he could be honest with himself for once in his goddamn life.
She would try to stop him. She would keep the door cracked, and tell him to go home to his wife. For thirteen years it had been the same story. He would need her, and she would send him home to a woman who couldn't comprehend the darkness behind his smile.
Olivia knew. She understood the darkness. Not only with the job, but she understood the darkness within herself. She understood the darkness in him, and she wasn't afraid.
He leaned his forehead against the steering wheel. Exhaustion throbbed throughout his body with every breath. He could go up there. She would open the door for him, but not all the way. She wouldn't invite him to come in. Like always, she would give him a sad smile and tell him to go home and hug his kids, and that would be that.
He would dutifully leave, knowing that she was right. In the morning he would silently thank her for keeping him on the straight and narrow, and life would go on as it always had. Except it wouldn't. Not this time. His heart had been ripped to shreds, some pieces tossed to Olivia and the others were flung towards Kathy, and he realized he couldn't be caught between anymore. He needed to either tell Olivia how he felt or commit to the marriage he thought was over.
His career was toast, he was certain of that, but he could leave. He could give up the job, and leave all the darkness behind. He could take Kathy and Eli away and love them the way they deserved. His chest tightened as a thought grabbed him by the throat. What about Olivia? In leaving the job and the darkness behind him, he would leave her too, and he wasn't sure if he could ever be strong enough to do that.
He groaned and slammed his fist agaisnt the dash. All he ever wanted, was to do the right thing and be a good man, but he was never good enough. He wasn't good enough for Kathy. She deserved more than a broken husband who loved someone else. He wasn't good enough for his kids. They deserved a dad who was present, who put them first, and that would never be him. And Olivia. Olivia deserved so much more than he could ever offer. She deserved a man that adored her, protected her, and was devoted to her. She didn't need a man who was still married, and had a young "oops" baby. She deserved someone who wasn't so broken, so damaged, that he took her down with him. She deserved much more than that.
Even as he thought that he shuddered. She may deserve more than what he could offer, but the thought of her settling with anyone other than him left him nauseated.
He glanced up at her apartment window once more. He knew what he should do. A good man would leave temptation behind. A good man would leave his job and commit to the wife he swore to love. His hand gripped the door handle as he braced himself for the pouring rain. He wanted to be a good man, but it was becoming clear that he wasn't ever going to be.