AN: This is a modern AU, wherein they all attend Garreg Mach University.
Enthusiastic knocking sounded against Lysithea's door, and the short girl sighed as she got up to answer.
"Afternoon Lysithea!" greeted Shez with an eager smile. "Are you ready for some fun?"
The pale-haired girl pursed her lips. "I would hardly call wandering around aimlessly in a forest fun." She sighed, but threw on her coat anyway. "How on earth did I ever let you talk me into such a ridiculous activity?"
"Because you love me," chirped Shez. "And because it'll be a good workout for you."
"The things I do for love," smiled Lysithea with fondness.
"But also," continued Shez as she held up her shovel, "We might actually find valuable buried treasure!"
"I find your optimism to be utterly endearing yet horribly misplaced."
Shez stuck her tongue out. "You just wait. We'll dig up an old pirate's treasure filled to the brim with gold galleons and shimmering gemstones. Then you can take some pictures while I pose on it."
"To get proof that you were the one who discovered this alleged treasure?" asked Lysithea, going along with the idea.
"Naw, it's for you to decide which chest and booty you like better," flirted Shez with a wink. She pulled down the front of her collar just enough to flash Lysithea a hint of cleavage.
Scarlet embarrassment blossomed across Lysithea's face, but she still felt a twinge of excitement at the mental image her girlfriend conjured up. "You've become incorrigible ever since you learned to flirt."
"But you wouldn't have me any other way?"
The short girl bit her lip. "I would have you in many ways, actually," she mumbled, still blushing as she attempted innuendo.
"My girlfriend is such a temptress," chuckled the purplette.
Lysithea coughed into her hand. "A-Anyway!" she said, looking to change the subject, "Let's get a move on." She reached for her digging supplies.
Shez's smile fell. "Uh… Lysithea?"
"What?"
"That's… really not going to work."
In Lysithea's hands were a bright plastic pail and a similarly colored plastic spade. She frowned. "You didn't complain when we went to the beach."
"At the beach we were just shoveling sand. Also I was too busy staring at you in your swimsuit. Those aren't going to work nearly as well shoveling dirt, they're too fragile and far too small."
"You said it didn't matter the size of the tool, just how it was used."
Shez paused. Yes, that's what she said, but still. She suddenly had a thought. "Is this the only shovel you have?"
Lysithea slowly lowered her pail and spade. "…I don't really have the money to spare right now," she admitted.
The purplette looked at her endearingly. "That's cool. One shovel is more than enough."
"On the off chance we actually find something, I feel like I should be contributing."
Shez shrugged. "I'll do the digging and you can carry our treasure back. Sound good?"
Despite the suggestion, both of them knew that in the unlikely event Shez's optimism was justified, the purplette would still be the one doing the manual labor. Still, an out was an out in Lysithea's book.
"I guess," replied the short girl, returning her beach toys.
"Cool. Onward, to the forest!" Shez declared.
Among the many amenities to be found at Garreg Mach University, the expansive forest preserve behind the Indech Art Center was far from the most appealing. If anything, most people tended to avoid it entirely. But on this lazy Saturday, Shez had made it her mission to prowl its length and plunder its depths in the hope of finding a shiny trinket with which to impress her girlfriend.
The pair trudged through the forest, taking in crisp cool air with every breath. Shez had a smile on her face, eager at the prospect of woodland hiking, while Lysithea resolved to make the best of things, a feat that was made easier by Shez's presence. Though there was a small part of her that regretted ever telling Shez about the pirates that visited the area back in the day.
"So are we just going to pick a random spot and start digging?" asked Lysithea as they walked deeper into the thicket.
"Pretty much?" replied Shez. "But I figure we enjoy ourselves first and settle on a spot when we've had our fun. After all, this wouldn't be much of a date if all we do is perform manual labor."
"Oh? Then what do we do in the meantime?"
"See the sights, enjoy the breeze, watch for any cool animals… Or if we get really bored we can find a nice spot to make out," winked the purplette.
"…Perhaps we can revisit that idea after the digging. Depending on whether or not we find anything, you may consider it a reward, or a consolation prize."
Their wandering took them within hearing distance of another group of forest folk. Hearing the telltale sounds of movement, Shez and Lysithea looked over towards a small depression in the earth where they caught sight of two familiar figures.
"Edelgard! Hubert!" greeted Shez as they headed over.
"Good afternoon you two," nodded Lysithea.
Pausing their activity, Edelgard and Hubert exchanged a glance. "Hello Shez, Lysithea," returned Edelgard. "What are the two of you doing out here?"
"Looks like the same as you," shrugged Shez. She gestured to the dirtied shovels they held in hand and the deep hole they'd excavated. "Digging for buried treasure."
Edelgard and Hubert exchanged another glance. "Yes," agreed Edelgard eventually, "Treasure…"
Just then, Shez noticed the sack behind them. "Whoa! Looks like you already got quite the haul!" She turned to her girlfriend. "See Lysithea? I told you there was plenty of buried treasure in these woods."
Lysithea meanwhile, blanched. "Shez, that's a body bag!"
"Well if you're gonna dig up a lot of treasure, you may as well bring the biggest bag you can get your hands on," reasoned the purplette.
"You should listen to her," intoned Hubert menacingly, "She's trying to prevent any unnecessary unpleasantness."
"I am?" asked Shez cluelessly.
Edelgard sighed. "Enough. Let's not mince words. Yes, we are burying a body."
"Oh shit, really?" pondered Shez rather nonchalantly.
Edelgard ignored her. "I assure you, we are doing the world a service." She placed a foot atop the body bag and kicked it into the pit.
The bag loosened, and Shez and Lysithea peered over.
"…Is that your Uncle Arundel?" asked Shez.
"It is," confirmed Hubert. His eyes narrowed. "Are we going to have a problem?"
"Nope! No problem!" squeaked Lysithea. She grabbed Shez and led her away. "We're going to find a new dig site. Have fun! See you in class!"
"I kinda feel like we should talk about what just happened," said Shez as they marched through the woods.
"Not here, not now," muttered Lysithea, still clinging to the taller girl.
"So, later?"
A sigh. "Yeah, later. For now, let's just… keep enjoying this little nature walk." They continued on for several steps before Lysithea let out another sigh. "I could really use a palette cleanser right now."
Shez perked up. "I can clean your palette," she offered, leaning in for a kiss.
Lysithea frowned. "Shez, please. We just saw our friends bury a body. I'd rather not associate kissing you with a shallow grave."
The purplette pulled back, disappointed but understanding. "I guess. I dunno about shallow, though. That hole was pretty deep."
"Let's just hope they don't do the same to us," muttered Lysithea fatalistically.
"Edelgard's not really the type," dismissed Shez, "And while Hubert certainly is, I'm pretty sure he'll follow her lead as usual."
"That's not very comforting."
"Should I drop another line from a book?"
"You know what? Sure. Go for it."
Clearing her throat, Shez halted their walking and stared deep into her girlfriend's eyes. She wanted to make this as meaningful as she possibly could. "Are you an extraterrestrial? Because your ass is out of this world."
Silence fell between them, Lysithea turning a deadpan stare to meet the mischief alighting in Shez's eyes, the purplette obviously struggling to muffle her laughter.
"Did you read a book about pickup lines?" she stated flatly, already knowing the answer.
A wide, toothy grin was her answer. "The Shadow Library has quite the selection."
A sudden roar startled the pair out of their conversation, and they looked over to a small gully to see a pair of musclebound idiots harassing the local wildlife.
To be more specific, it was Balthus and Holst, fists up as they brawled with a boar.
From their vantage point, the girls could only look on in shock as the bash bros dodged and weaved around the animal's jabbing tusks, the boar's furious squeals only pumping them up. Eventually, the boar extended itself too far as it went for Balthus, and Holst charged in and grappled the creature to the ground. A cacophony of noise erupted from both human and animal as they rolled together, ending when Holst flexed his muscles and heaved the creature into the air.
The wild boar squealed as it landed, scrambling to its feet and fleeing into the forest, a fearful wail ululating in its wake.
Balthus and Holst declared their victory loudly, crashing their chests together in exultation as they shouted their triumph. Their proud laughter rang against the trees, no doubt frightening off any squirrels or rabbits in the nearby vicinity as well.
"What the heck are you idiots doing?!" cried Lysithea as they came over.
"Yo! Lysithea! Shez!" greeted Balthus with a wave. "Didja see that? Didja? Didja?"
"Oh we saw that alright," replied Lysithea with exasperation, "What possible lunacy could have possessed the two of you to… to go out and fight wild animals?!"
"Isn't it obvious?" returned Holst, "The blood rushing through your veins, the adrenaline flooding your system… It's the need to prove the superiority of man over nature!"
Lysithea facepalmed.
"That was a pretty impressive show," admired Shez. "But why a boar?"
"Ah, well, we actually planned to grapple a bear or two," admitted Balthus, "But we've been in these woods all day and that was the biggest animal we've seen."
"There haven't been any bear sightings in this forest for over a century," sighed Lysithea. "They don't live in this area."
"Really? Darn."
"Sorry guys," shrugged Shez. "Looks like it's just trees, trees, and more trees."
Balthus gasped in inspiration. "That's it!" He turned to Holst. "Let's go find the biggest, baddest tree and wrestle it to the ground!"
"Genius!" enthused Holst. "Let's do it!"
The pair of idiots tore off into the forest, stomping and yelling as they sought a suitable tree to grapple with. Lysithea and Shez could only look on in wonder at their simplemindedness.
Shez put a hand to her chin in thought. "You know…" she started.
"Oh no you don't!" scolded Lysithea. "You are NOT to wrestle anything in this forest!"
"But man versus nature!" pleaded Shez teasingly.
Her girlfriend sighed. "If you can restrain yourself, I'll wrestle you after we get home," she offered, a hint of a blush overtaking her face.
"I can wait," smiled Shez.
The duo's wandering eventually led them into another encounter. Instead of the sounds of activity or the shouts of an animal, what drew their attention this time was light conversation.
"...please do not eat the weeds," came a respectful yet reproaching tone.
"I'm just saying…" returned a mildly defensive voice.
"Hey, it's Dimitri and Dedue!" said Shez as she and Lysithea ambled into their line of sight. "How's it going?"
Dimitri very noticeably paled, but Dedue stepped forward. "We are well, thank you. Might I ask you to continue on? Dimitri and I are engaged in very personal business and would prefer to keep it between us."
Shez gave the area a cursory glance. "Oh, I see. Trying to keep all the buried treasure for yourself? Yeah, I get you. We'll bounce."
Lysithea meanwhile, had flinched at the wide pit, the muddy shovels, and the heavy sack at Dimitri's feet.
"Buried treasure?" asked Dimitri, voice shaky and panicked, "Why would you say that? We're not burying anything!"
"Uh, yeah, 'cause you already dug up a good haul," said Shez, gesturing to the sack.
"This…?" muttered the blonde. "Oh. Yes! Treasure! That is indeed what we have here!" he exclaimed forcefully.
"Dimitri, perhaps we should let them move on," suggested Dedue calmly. To Shez and Lysithea, he continued. "It was nice to see you. Until later."
"Yes! Much later! After we have dealt with our treasure!" declared Dimitri almost desperately. In an attempt to show that the sack held nothing but harmless treasure, Dimitri lifted it up with one hand. He jostled it a bit for effect.
…Only for it to tear open, spilling the body out of the bag and into the shallow grave below.
As Dimitri wet himself and Dedue facepalmed, Shez and Lysithea peered over in morbid curiosity.
"…Is that your Uncle Rufus?" asked Shez.
"It is," confirmed Dedue. "Is this going to be a problem?"
"Nope! No problem!" squeaked Lysithea. She grabbed Shez and led her away. "Enjoy your treasure! See you in class!"
"Twice in one day," muttered Lysithea as she dragged Shez along. "How is this even possible?"
"Yeah, it's pretty statistically unlikely," agreed the purplette. "But hey, you handled that better than the first one."
"Did I really," was her flat response.
"Well… you seemed to handle that better than Dimitri did," offered Shez.
Lysithea could only sigh. "I can't believe we've had such ridiculous encounters today."
Shez hummed in thought. "Would you feel better if you had something sweet to eat?"
The pale-haired girl eyed her suspiciously. "I may. Are you offering?"
"Absolutely," smiled Shez. She reached a hand into a pocket and retrieved a small square of chocolate. "Here you go! A sweet treat for the sweetest girl I know!" she winked.
"Is that another line you got from a book?" prodded Lysithea as she accepted.
"Nope! I thought of it all by myself!" declared Shez proudly.
Lysithea chuckled. "You're adorable," she said, stretching up to pet Shez's head.
The purplette nuzzled into Lysithea's hand adoringly, drawing a fond smile from her as she popped the candy into her mouth. Lysithea practically melted with bliss, savoring the flavor eagerly as the sugar touched her taste buds.
She sighed happily afterwards. "Thank you Shez. That was very considerate of you." A thought then occurred to her. "Did you bring one for yourself?"
"Me? Nah, I only brought it for you," waved off Shez dismissively.
"That's no good. What if you get hungry?"
Shez pondered the question with a hum. "I guess I'd just eat some wild berries. Like those," she said, pointing to a small nearby cluster of brightly colored fruit.
"I wouldn't eat those if I were you," interjected a new voice. "Those are poisonous."
Shez and Lysithea whirled to see Hapi leaning against a tree nearby, a sprig in hand as she bit the leaves off.
"Hapi! How long have you been there?!" exclaimed Lysithea.
"Long enough to hear you two flirting," replied the redhead dryly as she munched away.
While Lysithea reddened in embarrassment, Shez focused on the more important matter at hand. "You got any more of those leaves?" she asked, more out of curiosity than genuine hunger.
Hapi stripped the last of the leaves off the sprig with her mouth. "Sorry," she mumbled, "Fresh out."
"Darn. Oh well. What are you doing out here?"
"Gathering firewood for Coco," answered Hapi, idly prodding a small collection of sticks at her feet. "We've got a camp set up just over there. Wanna stop by? We've got marshmallows."
They followed Hapi to her camp.
"Coco, I got firewood," announced Hapi. "And I brought some friends too."
The blonde looked up from the elaborate telescope she was assembling. "Ah, my dearest Hapi! Your return is most fortuitous, and with extra hands as well!" exclaimed Constance.
"Extra hands? Are you putting us to work?" demanded Lysithea.
"Did you think marshmallows would be free?" said Hapi as she got to work on building a fire. "We've got a family size bag of the biggest marshmallows we could find. Help us set up the tent and we'll share."
"I'm good at manual labor," piped up Shez, "I got this." She planted her shovel in the ground before heading over to build their shelter.
"Excellent!" nodded Constance. "Then perhaps, Lysithea, you could assist me with this telescope?"
"Sure," accepted the shortest girl.
Soon, the girls had a roaring fire and a sturdy tent, Shez and Hapi roasting marshmallows while Constance and Lysithea puzzled out the final steps of the instructions. As Constance turned a few dials to make the final adjustments, Hapi went over with a delightfully toasted marshmallow at the end of her stick.
"Here, Coco," she cooed as she offered the marshmallow. She sent a wry look to Shez as she spoke. "A sweet treat for the sweetest girl I know."
Shez pouted. "Line stealer…"
After filling up on marshmallows, Shez and Lysithea bid farewell to the stargazing pair, still in search of the perfect spot to dig up buried treasure.
Instead, they found yet another pair of alleged amateur archeologists.
"Claude! Hilda! What's up?" greeted Shez as they went up to Lysithea's dorm mates.
Shez and Lysithea stopped short as they approached. They surveyed the area, taking note of the dirty shovels, the deep pit, and the large lumpy bag on the ground behind their friends.
"…Claude, are you by chance burying an uncle you don't like in a shallow grave?" ventured Shez.
"Hey now, do you really think I'm the type to get myself involved in such skullduggery?" asked the dark-skinned man. Everyone stared at him skeptically. He deflated. "Well… I guess you wouldn't believe a lie about us digging for buried treasure," he huffed. "But actually, no, this is Hilda's show."
"Oh." Shez turned to Hilda. "Hilda, are you by chance burying an uncle you don't like in a shallow grave?"
"Why are you assuming it's an uncle?" she replied with annoyance. "No, this person is not related to me, thank the goddess."
"Then who was he?" asked Lysithea, not really sure why she wanted to know.
Hilda sniffed disdainfully. "This despicable stiff was once a so-called scholar who dared harass my Marianne for years on end. He deserved far worse, but I know that dear, sweet Marianne wouldn't want to inflict unnecessary suffering, so I gave him a relatively quick death."
Shez and Lysithea shared a concerned glance, before looking over at Claude who only shrugged.
"I see," remarked Lysithea, still more than a little perturbed.
"I'm sure Marianne appreciates it," added Shez.
"I don't plan on telling her," replied Hilda, kicking the body bag into the hole. "Not yet anyway." She stared at them intensely. "You won't say anything either, right?"
"Not a word," promised Shez.
"Good. I would hate for there to be a problem."
"Nope! No problem!" squeaked Lysithea. She grabbed Shez and led her away. "We'll leave you to it. See you in class!"
"I gotta admit, it's refreshing to see Hilda be the leader for once," commented Shez as the shorter girl led her away. "Don't you think?"
"Not at all," retorted Lysithea. "I always knew Claude was trouble, but now I have to worry about Hilda instigating things too."
"I'm pretty sure Hilda outsources all her instigating to Claude. Or she finds some guy or gal to influence into being her catspaw."
"Still, this proves there are things that even Hilda is willing to work for," sighed Lysithea. "Maybe you could say she found her work ethic, but this is…"
"More of a work in-ethic?" suggested Shez slyly.
"That's not a real word."
"But if it was you would've made the pun yourself."
Lysithea refused to confirm such a heinous allegation. "I would have spared it a little more thought," she allowed.
Shez laughed. "You're definitely handling this better than before."
"Perhaps," she frowned. "I still don't think I want to talk about all this right now, but I'd rather not grow so callous as to be inured to the various ramifications of what we've been encountering."
"I love it when you talk smart," grinned the purplette.
"Using a five syllable word does not make talk 'smart'," said Lysithea wryly. "Though perhaps I can read you a research paper when we get home."
"Promises, promises~" sing-songed Shez. She paused as she glimpsed something in the woods. "Hey. Isn't that…?"
Lysithea followed her gaze. "Yes, I believe so."
They continued forward, coming upon a familiar figure sitting on a fallen log. The lone woman looked over to their approach with characteristic stoicism.
"Hello Lysithea. Hello Shez."
"Hello Professor," responded Lysithea.
"Fancy seeing you around here," greeted Shez. "What are you doing?"
"I'm hosting an extracurricular seminar for interested students," answered Byleth.
"You're holding an extracurricular activity in the middle of the woods?" asked Shez, tilting her head in confusion.
Byleth nodded. "I normally wouldn't, but I've received an unusually high number of requests for this particular lesson. If my students wish to learn, I will do my best to teach."
"Huh. That's pretty swell of you."
"Indeed," added Lysithea, "Your dedication to teaching others is admirable."
"Thank you. Are you also here to attend?" asked the educator.
Shez shook her head. "Not this time. Lysithea and I are on a date. But since you mentioned it, what's the lesson?"
"How to bury bodies in the woods," answered Byleth as neutrally as ever.
Lysithea's jaw dropped. "How are you even teaching that?!" she exclaimed.
"First I host a lecture at a morning seminar covering the basic theory and methodology. Then we all come out here and I give a practical demonstration. Now the students are practicing on their own. Once everyone has finished, I will visit each of the burial sites they chose, whereupon I will assess their handiwork and provide feedback."
"That's... not what she meant," sweatdropped Shez. "But I guess that explains why we ran into so many people burying bodies today."
"Did you now?" Byleth's face fell into a frown. "It seems my students didn't fully grasp the fundamentals of remaining hidden. Perhaps a remedial lesson is in order." She put a hand to her chin in thought, no doubt pondering ways of how to improve her students' technique at burying bodies.
Shez and Lysithea exchanged glances. "Well," said Lysithea, "This has been extremely informative, but I believe we must depart. See you in class, professor." With a respectful nod, the smaller girl led her girlfriend away.
They both tried not to think about what, or perhaps who, Byleth's 'practical demonstration' involved.
"Lysithea, we've found it," declared Shez as she stood proudly atop a rock in the midst of a small clearing.
"Found what?" questioned her girlfriend, arcing an eyebrow.
Stepping off the rock, Shez planted her shovel in the ground so it could stand on its own. "The perfect dig site," she answered. She stomped her foot. "Ground feels good, not too solid, not too loose." Then she took in a deep breath. "And do you feel that breeze? Just the right amount of airflow to make digging not too strenuous."
"It's getting late though," noted Lysithea with an undercurrent of worry as she glanced at the sky. "Do we really have enough time?"
"We do!" chirped Shez. "There's just enough daylight to dig up some buried treasure and take it home." She shrugged. "Besides, we brought the shovel all this way, may as well get some use out of it."
"I suppose. Here's hoping we don't dig up someone's recently buried body."
"Yeah, that'd be awkward," mused Shez as she tossed aside the first batch of dirt.
"What do you want me to do while you dig?" asked Lysithea.
"Doesn't really matter," shrugged the purplette as she began excavating in earnest. "Sit down, take a load off, tell me about your morning, whatever."
The pale-haired girl hummed in consideration as she took a seat on the rock. "I can't say my morning was particularly exciting. I spent it engrossed in my latest reading…"
Time passed quickly for the two of them, Shez immersed in her digging as she created a wide hole in the ground while Lysithea discussed her newly acquired knowledge using big words and that 'intelligent' tone Shez loved to hear from her. The sun sank a little lower in the sky, shadows lengthening as the shovel descended time and again, displacing the earth until Shez stood several inches deep in her little divot.
And then her shovel struck something.
"Hey, I think I found something!" she announced eagerly.
"Whoa, really?" Lysithea hopped off her rock and looked to the ground with interest.
"I told you we'd find something," grinned the purplette.
Shez began to excavate the area around her discovery, taking care not to strike the treasure again as she removed the dirt. Eventually, she managed to unearth a large plastic ziploc bag caked in soil. Brushing off the detritus, she held it up to the light and unveiled her treasure.
Shez opened the bag and removed its contents. "Oh. My. Goddess."
"What the heck?!" recoiled Lysithea.
"Lysithea… We found porn!"
Indeed, their buried treasure was none other than an old collection of pornographic magazines. They were also remarkably pristine.
Shez began to peruse them. "Enbarr Erotica, Holy Kinkdom of Faerghus, Lusty Ladies of Leicester, Morfis MILFs…"
"You don't have to read them aloud!" protested her girlfriend with an embarrassed flush.
"But how else am I supposed to know what articles to expect?" teased Shez. "Don't you wanna know what they've got in Plowing Gronder? I bet it involves farming."
"Shez!"
The purplette's mirthful laughter could not be suppressed. "This is best treasure ever," she declared.
Lysithea's face contorted with annoyance. "I'm so happy for you," she drawled sarcastically.
"Sorry, sorry," said Shez, offering an apologetic smile. "But hey, at least we can leave now."
"Yes, I suppose there is that," muttered Lysithea.
"Cool, let's go. Here." She held out the stack to Lysithea.
"You want me to carry these back?!" shrieked the girl in mortified outrage.
"That was the deal," grinned Shez, extremely amused at her girlfriend's predicament. "After all, I've been carrying this heavy, cumbersome shovel around all afternoon…"
"B-But I-! But you-!"
"And hey, at least no one can accuse you of not being mature," finished Shez slyly.
Opening and closing her mouth in rapid succession like a gasping fish, Lysithea eventually deflated, resigned to her duty of publicly carrying around their discovered porn. Clutching the magazines to her chest, she started off towards her dorm, head hung and a perpetual blush staining her cheeks.
Shez fell into line next to her. "Tell you what," she said, gently pulling away one of the magazines. She flipped through its pages. "When we get home, I'll give you a reward for the trouble." She showed Lysithea one of the pages.
The pale-haired girl's jaw dropped. "Y-You mean…?!"
Shez returned the magazine and winked. "The sooner we get home, the sooner you get your reward."
Lysithea had never run so hard in her young life.
~END~
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Omake: Remedial Lesson
"Hello Shez. Hello Lysithea. You missed the practical demonstration," said Byleth.
Shez and Lysithea looked around at the gathered faces and wondered why they thought it would be a good idea to come back to this forest. Still, since they were here, they cast their morbidly curious gazes on the body bags their friends' had.
"Hey, not that we need to know or anything, but… who are you burying this time?" ventured Shez.
"That so-called scholar had a so-called research assistant," scoffed Hilda.
"Cornelia said the strain from her massive breasts was killing her, so I took it upon myself to speed up the process and end her suffering," explained Dimitri.
Edelgard shrugged. "Ferdinand let me borrow his dad."