She sighed in complete satisfaction, with his arms wrapped warmly around her. For the first time she felt complete, like she finally found the missing piece. The piece that kept her broken and damaged. The piece Elliot Stabler held for more than twenty years.
The rhythm of his breathing was soothing, grounding. He had one hand resting behind his head and the other hand brushed through her hair. He seemed distracted, lost in thought. She dropped a kiss on his chest. "What are you thinking?" she asked cautiously.
Her voice broke through his thoughts, and he met her with a perfectly content smile. "That this feels like a dream, and I'm going to wake up, and things will be exactly the same as they were."
She traced circles across his chest, "I can never go back to the way things were."
He smiled, "Me neither."
She dropped her eyes, and focused on her fingers, lightly dancing across his chest. She knew they needed to have a conversation. One she didn't want to have, but now that they crossed this line, she needed to let him in. He needed to know.
"How much do you know about this case?"
His fingers continued to run through her hair, "It was a headliner so I know a little more than I usually do about your cases."
She hesitated, and bit her lip, trying not to cry. She closed her eyes and dove in. "How much do you know about my case?"
His hand stopped for a moment, but then continued toying with her hair. "Um," he sighed, "not a lot. I heard about it for the first time when my coworkers were talking about your current case." He leaned in and kissed the top of her head. I asked Bell for details, but she wasn't very forthcoming. I was a little frantic for a couple days. I even called Fin, but he told me it was your story to tell. I kind of worried why you would keep something like this from me, but I didn't want to bring it up. I finally talked to Amanda and she laid out the basics for me." She could feel his breathing shake with each inhale. "Part of me wanted to look up the files, but I couldn't."
"Why not?" She whispered.
She felt his arms tighten around her, and he kissed her head again. "I wanted you to control the narrative. If my years in SVU taught me anything, it was to return the control to the victim. I was nervous about why you wouldn't tell me, but I wanted you to tell me when you felt ready." He found her hand and intertwined their fingers. "You don't owe me anything Olivia. If you don't want to tell me, then it's okay."
She was already crying, so she was sure she would be a puddle by the end of this conversation. "I didn't intend to keep it from you. Not really. I just," Stupid tears. "It feels impossible to think about, and I know there are a lot of parts that are," she took a slow breath, "a lot of parts might hurt you." She rolled onto her side, her naked body pressed against the side of his. Her voice dropped, "it's painful, and I didn't want to relive it, and I didn't want you to feel guilty or responsible, and I don't know. It's just easier to pretend it didn't happen."
His fingers gently ran up and down the side of her body. "But it did happen, Liv. And as much as you or I want to pretend that it didn't, it doesn't change the facts."
"I know." Her eyes closed as she gathered courage. Not sure exactly where to start, she decided to start with the obvious relics still screaming on her skin. Maybe a little background first. She sighed. "Cragen sent me home after," damn she hated saying his name, "after his case was dismissed on a technicality. I guess I should have seen the signs of his growing obsession, but I didn't." She could feel Elliot's body tense up as she began telling him this horrible story. "He caught me off guard I guess. I really didn't expect him to know how to get into my home." She let out a long slow breath and peeled her body away from his.
"He uh," the smell of her own burning skin was suddenly everywhere. No. She was not there. She was here. She was safe. "He tortured his victims, um, burning them." Her turning stomach refused to let up, but she powered through. She was doing this. She took Elliot's hand, and guided his fingers over the tops of her breasts. "Cigarette burns," she nearly choked on the words but continued, "most of them are here, but they are scattered around my whole body." She felt him take in a sharp breath. She guided his hand to the mishmash of tangled scars adorning her abdomen. "These, uh, these were heated up wire hangers." She pulled his hand towards her hip and stopped about an inch away from her hip bone, towards the center of her body. "My house key." This time she heard him audibly gasp, but she pressed on. She pulled his hand towards her back and snuggled back into him.
"He had me for four days. I don't remember a lot of it because he had me drugged and drunk for most of it, but I remember enough." She kept her eyes closed, but she felt the shuddering sobs of her partner. She couldn't break down. She needed to get through this. "I remember him assaulting me. I remember the groping. I guess one good thing was he didn't rape me, not that i remember at least. When the hospital did the rape kit it came out inconclusive." She felt his tears on her skin as he held her tightly against him, with his cheek against her hair.
"He taunted me, and I don't know how he knew, but he knew about you. He knew that you were the person I wanted to see one more time before I died." She wanted to cry. She knew she was leveling some heavy blows against him, but they had to do this. "Uh. I wanted you so bad." Damn it. She was crying now too. "I needed you and in a perfect world you would have been there, but you weren't. At that point you were a dream, an idea of a person who I used to know. A person I used to love." God. She hated this. She hated hurting him in this way. "Anyway. I managed to loosen the bar from the bed I was cuffed to. I beat the hell out of him. I thought I killed him. I didn't, and he lived to terrorize me again, but I don't want to talk about that." She finally opened her eyes to view the broken, devastated face of her partner.
Sobs wracked his body and she held tightly to his torso, her tears mingling with his. They held each other for what felt like an eternity. Finally he spoke, his voice raspy from the crying, "God Liv. I'm so sorry. I should have been there." He choked on his words, "Why the hell wasnt I there!?" She stayed quiet, knowing he needed to process everything, and she held him while he worked it out. "How can you even be around me!?"
He cried more, and she soothed him. "Elliot. This was the worst experience of my life, but I absolutely don't blame you. I wanted you there, but you were not the one who did this to me. He did."
His breathing was still shaky. "I could have stopped it."
She ran her hand up his bare chest and around his neck, "Maybe," she whispered, "but maybe not. And I chose not to waste time on what could have been."
"I don't know if I can forgive myself."
She shook her head. "That's not why I told you." She thought for a minute before pulling herself onto him, placing a kiss on his chest. "I told you," she gathered courage, "because I love you." She nearly laughed at the sudden surprise that crossed his face. "And," she continued, "days like today happen, and the memories kick me in the ass and I need someone to pick up the pieces." His eyes met hers, "I want you to be that person El." She scooted up his body to kiss him. "I want you here to make me forget that monster ever existed." She kissed him again. "I need you."
She pulled back to gauge his reaction to all her spilled truth. His hand cupped her face, "I don't deserve you."
"Maybe not," she teased in an attempt to lighten the mood. "But regardless, you are the one I want."
He pulled her into him, kissing her, communicating their deep mutual need. He withdrew, brushed her hair out of her face before saying, "I love you." His perfect blue eyes bore into hers, "more than you can ever know."
They are a mess- and have way more issues than just this one- one step at a time I guess-