Elliot hesitated at her bedroom door. He had never been back here. And even if this was just a nap , the intimacy of sharing a bed with Olivia made his heart pound.
She glanced back at him, noting his hesitation, but she said nothing. He watched her flip back her comforter and slide between the sheets. He hurried in the room, not wanting her to interpret his hesitation in the wrong way.
She didn't look in his direction as he slid between her sheets, but he heard uneven breathing. This was a stretch for her, an extension of trust. Trust he never deserved.
Once he settled he asked, "Liv?"
"Hmm?"
He thought the better of what he was going to say, "Nevermind."
But that seemed to only pique her curiosity. She rolled over, and her large brown eyes sought his. "What did you want to say El?" She asked quietly.
He felt nervous. He hoped she would interpret the request for what it was. A way to comfort them both. "Um," he still hesitated. "Do you think I could hold you," he rushed through his explanation before she could say no, "I just, I don't know, it's stupid but I think it would help me sleep," and more importantly, "I want you to know I'm here with you.."
It only took a second for her to scoot closer to him, and he met her in the middle of the bed. She pressed her back into his chest and he snuggled her head into the space beneath his chin. Just the feeling of the warmth of her body against his was soothing. He dropped his arm over her hip and she found his hand, lacing her fingers with his.
He felt her sigh and burrow tighter into him. Her warm body had an intoxicating effect and for the first time in days he felt drowsy. He fell asleep in seconds.
-000-
Elliot woke up feeling disoriented and groggy. The foreign surroundings made his head pound. It took his foggy brain a minute to piece everything back together. He was in Olivia's apartment. In her bed .
He laid back into the down pillows and listened to the voices on the other side of the door. Noah must have made it home. How long had he been sleeping?
He lifted his wrist above his face and read the time on his watch. Holy shit. 9:25PM. He slept for six hours . It was the longest continual block of sleep he had for almost a month.
He knew he should get up. He should probably find a way to sneek out of here before Noah noticed his presence in the apartment this late. But his body felt like it was glued to the bed and his eyes felt like someone had kicked sand into them.
He heard the sounds of Olivia hurrying Noah to bed. He complained and moped about wanting to stay up to finish a movie, but Olivia firmly ushered him to bed.
After a quiet eternity, the bedroom door clicked open. Just her head poked through, but once she noticed he was awake she slipped through the door. She closed it behind her and leaned back into it, eyes focused on his.
"Hey," she said, her voice low. She must have readied herself for bed at some point because her face was devoid of make up, her hair was twisted back into a clip, and she wore some faded leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. She was breathtaking.
He felt a soft smile cross his face and he patted the space in the bed next to him. He hoped she would accept his invitation, and after a moment of consideration she did.
She climbed in on her side and slid over to where he laid. She laid on her back, head on his shoulder. He snuck his arm around her and let his hand rest gently on her hip. She turned her face towards his, "Did you sleep?" Her hope filled voice touched him immensely. She cared for him. He knew that, and moments like those made him want to throw caution to the wind and kiss her deeply.
He lifted his free arm over his head and eventually rested it on the pillows behind him. "Yes," his voice betrayed him and he knew all his feelings for her were on obvious display. He leaned his cheek against the top of her head. "Better than I have in months ."
Her breath quickened at his implication. She said nothing, but snuggled into him a little more tightly. He could feel some sort of discomfort radiating from her, but it was subtle. He wasn't really sure what she wanted him to do. Did she want him to stay the night, or leave? Did she need to talk some more?
Finally, he decides to just ask, "Do you want me to leave?" He kept his voice low, and his lips brushed her hair as he spoke.
His heart pounded at her answer. "No," she said softly. He held her tighter.
He brushed his fingers through her hair. "What's bothering you?" His voice was low and quiet.
She hesitated, and he felt her tense. He prayed she would just tell him . He felt helpless when he had no idea what was going on or what was bothering her. "I'm not sure…" she started, and shook her head. "I don't know if I want to talk about it," her eyes lifted to his, "because I'm not sure I actually want the answer."
He wasn't sure what to do with that, and he sure if she was protecting him or protecting herself, but they needed to talk about whatever was eating at her. "Olivia," he whispered tenderly. His fingers continued to brush through her hair. "I need you to talk to me." Without thinking his lips swept across her forehead, "Please don't shut me out."
She shook a little in his arms, and he felt nervous. Whatever she worried about was a big deal, at least for her, and he desperately hoped he would get this right.
She seemed stuck. The words sat on her lips as she gathered some courage to finally say what was on her mind. She bit her lip and her eyes watered. "I need to know." She started, but paused and he knew she was choking back tears. He felt sick over how he hurt her this time. She closed her eyes and he watched her take a few breaths before gaining a little more composure. When she tried again, her voice was thick and low. "Why do you want to be with me?"
The answer seemed so obvious , but apparently it wasn't obvious to her. He felt his stomach turn nervously. He hoped this was what she wanted to hear, and it wouldn't scare her away. "I thought it was obvious," he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, "Liv," he cupped her face and hoped his eyes could communicate the sincerity of what he was going to say, "I love you, Olivia. I have loved you for a long time."
He felt her take a sharp breath in, she didn't move, but didn't say anything either. Her eyes stayed glued to his, as if she were searching for something . She nodded, but then she buried her face into his neck. "I'm worried," she gulped, "I guess worry isn't the right word. It's really stupid but it hurts that I have always been your second choice." His heart broke. She was never the second choice.
Before he could reassure her she continued. "I see that damn ring on your finger and I remember all those years that," she let out a shaky breath. "All those years that I wanted you ." His heart was racing. "I wanted you, but I couldn't have you because you belonged to someone else. There was a part of me that wanted you to choose me, and it's really stupid because you didn't have a choice," her words came out in a streaming rush. "But I wanted you and no one else was ever good enough because no one was ever you. You were always my first choice. The first choice I could never have." Her eyes closed and he knew she was pressing back more tears.
"And then you left me, and all the hope I ever had was gone . I knew then, that you would never choose me and if by some miracle you came back for me I would always be your second choice. The one you could never want as much as the first." She lifted her tear filled eyes, and his heart broke at all the pain he read there. "If Kathy hadn't died, I would still be sitting on the back burner. You would still choose her. And I would still be alone, waiting for something that was never going to happen. And I know it's more complicated than that but that ring reminds me of my place in your heart and even with her gone I'm still the one you loved second best."
She dropped her face into his chest and her shoulders shook and he could feel her tears soaking his shirt. He was stunned. How could she think that? How could she ever worry about this? She was his everything . Everything. Everyone knew that, and it astounded him that she didn't.
Her head pressed so hard in his chest, he couldn't pull away to see her face. "Olivia," he said tenderly. "Liv, look at me."
She shook her head and refused to look up. He waited, knowing that she needed to gather herself. He kissed the crown of her head. "Olivia," he breathed, "please?"
He heard her take in a long breath before her eyes slowly drifted to his. Those eyes . Soulful and deep brown, always filled with empathy and love. He loved her so damn much. He couldn't help himself. He softly brushed his lips against hers and she sighed.
"You were never my second choice." His words came out with a hushed vehemence. "From the minute you walked into my life I was yours. Body and soul, Liv." He kissed her softly. "It was never her versus you. It's hard to explain, and I made so many mistakes. It was always meant to be you , but…"
"Your faith," she finished.
"My heart was completely yours, but I felt trapped by the choices I made when I was a child . I made a vow. I made a commitment, and breaking that would have…"
"Completely broke you." She whispered.
"Yeah," his voice cracked. "Problem is," he lifted her chin to better see her face. "Leaving you broke me anyway."
She bit her lip, and he knew she hesitated to believe him, to trust him. "Why are you wearing your ring again?" She asked point blank.
Was that what this was all about? "I thought it might help with all these damn flashbacks," he hesitated. Truth. She needed truth. "I see her everywhere, and the flashbacks." He shook his head. "It's not because I still love her , Liv. It's because I feel guilty for loving you ." He felt vulnerable and exposed at the admission, "I thought wearing it might ease the guilt and help me sleep, but it hasn't." He looked her straight in the eyes. "I slept better with you in my arms, than I have in years." She seemed to be taking it all in, and he wanted to say something else. Something that had burned in his mind for well over a decade.
He thought for a moment before the next words left his lips, "I love you, and I'm making a commitment right here right now." He brushed his fingers across her beautiful cheek. "I'm in this, Olivia. I promise to never leave. I promise I'm yours." He felt tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. "I will love you until the last breath leaves my body. I'm yours, body and soul. Forever ."
He nervously waited for her response. The silence felt suffocating and he thought she might ask him to leave. Instead, her mouth was on his. He felt a flood of emotion and desire he had never felt before. For once in his life, everything felt right.