O: I think we need to talk.
E: Are you okay?
O: I'm still pissed if that's what you're asking.
E: I know. You're right though. Your place?
O:Yeah. Driving myself is still a pain in the ass…literally.
E: When should I come over?
O: I'm sure you're working right now, but I'm at home. Noah won't be home until 6. Or you can come over later, after he's in bed… like 9:30?
E: Bell gave me a couple days off before I begin the next assignment. I'll come over now.
O: Okay.
Olivia locked her phone and set it on the end table behind her head. There was one position that didn't kill her hip and ass, and she had lived in the position for days now.
Fin was right. As always. It was actually a little infuriating. But he made a good point. Nothing would ever change if they never talked.
She blew out a long breath. There was so much baggage, and the idea of unpacking it all felt daunting. She knew he loved her, or cared for her, or whatever, but he seemed to always hurt her whether he meant to or not.
To be honest, she was also tired of the dance. The speaking without speaking. The half communication. The assumptions. The innuendos. She just wanted to cut the bullshit and work this out. Whatever this he was leaving, and he sounded pretty firm on that, she needed to know where they stood.
She lifted her phone to send him a quick text.
O: I'm laying on my couch and not moving. Use your key when you get here.
E: Okay. Be there in five.
Those three dots appeared and disappeared, and she knew he wanted to say something else. He must have ultimately thought the better of it because eventually those dots disappeared entirely.
She sighed, locked her phone, and tossed it back to the end table. She tried closing her eyes and resting for the few minutes she had before he arrived, but her mind was too busy for that.
They had sat on the edge of this for so long, and she knew she was some of the problem, but she finally felt ready . Not just ready to move forward, but ready to trust him again. Love him again. And the thought was completely terrifying, but not in a soul crushing, panic inducing way. More of the nervous, excited, and apprehensive way. It had taken an eternity, but she realized pushing him away was making her just as unhappy as him leaving. If she was unhappy anyway, why not take a shot at happiness. At this point she had nothing to lose. He just needed to stop being an idiot long enough for them to move forward.
The sound of a light knock and a turn of a key made her heart pound with apprehension. She slowed her breathing. Why did her physical reactions to him have to be so damn obvious?
"Liv?" He called as he entered, knowing she really didn't like being startled.
"Living room!" She called back.
She heard him approach. For years she knew the exact sound of his footsteps, their rhythm, their weight. It was comforting. The familiarity. She turned her head so she could see him better as he came around the couch.
She shifted her weight, trying to free up some room for him. "No Liv," he lifted his hand up. "Stay where you are. I can sit on the floor."
"Thanks," she smiled gratefully. "There is like one position right now that doesn't murder my hip."
He lowered himself to the floor, and one of his knees popped on the way down.
"You sure you can make it to the floor?" She teased. "Sounding a bit like an old man," she said, tongue in cheek.
"Ha ha," he responded with sarcasm. He sat and lifted his arm, resting it on the couch beside her. Impulsively he lifted his fingers, and caressed her cheek.
She closed her eyes, and willed her heart to slow so she could keep her breathing even. When she opened her eyes she found a pair of blue eyes studying her intensely.
She returned his gesture, lightly brushing her fingers across the rough stubble of his cheek. "I'm really mad at you." She whispered.
"I know." His eyes dropped to the couch upholstery.
She sighed. She called him here, and needed to start this. She swallowed back her fear, "I uh," she cleared her throat, and she motioned for the box sitting on the coffee table. "I got your gift…." Her voice came out in an apologetic whisper. She dropped her eyes and then found his again. "Fin says I should hear you out. I'm still angry. Pissed really, but I shouldn't have stormed off."
"I'm an idiot," he admitted.
"Uh yeah. You have always been a little thick," she teased.
"Gee thanks."
She smiled at his sarcasm, enjoying the familiar camaraderie in the moment. A blanket of silence fell for over them. As she opened her mouth to say something, he inadvertently cut her off.
"I'm a mess Liv." He reached for her hand. "I just…" his thought trailed off.
"Well you've always been a bit of a mess," she teased.
"Like you're one to talk," he said cheekily.
She watched their clasped hands for a moment before saying, "Maybe that's the problem, El." Her eyes found his again, "we are always going to be a mess in one way or another." She laughed ironically, "We've never spent any time truly being okay." She sucked in a breath and dove in. "Maybe we should deal with our shit together instead of constantly pushing each other away." She felt her anger rise again, "If you run ," she shook her head. "Before you say it, you are running."
He blew out a long breath. "Maybe I am," He admitted, "but I don't want to start this thing wrong."
"El," she lifted a hand to his face. "We started this thing a long time ago. I think it's time for both of us to stop running from it."
"I don't want to screw this up. I always screw everything up." He shook his head as he tried to fight the tears pricking at his eyes.
"You won't," she said, voice low.
His blue eyes seemed a deeper shade as tears finally escaped from his eyes. "I don't have that kind of faith in myself."
Both of her hands found their way to his face. She watched him for a moment, before saying. "I do." Her lips sealed over his.
-000-
God she was perfect. She had always been so damn perfect. When he came tonight he assumed she would yell at him, and they would leave things as they were.
He was wrong.
Her mouth moved over his, and twenty-five years of waiting fell into place. She gently held his face, as her tongue wisped across his bottom lip. He happily deepened the kiss.
His tongue tangled with hers and he was surprised by the sweetness of it all. The affection. He had always assumed their first kiss would be all fire and passion, but this was so much better.
When she withdrew she kept her forehead pressed to his, and her eyes closed. "Do you have to go?"
He knew she didn't mean today. She meant the longer absence looming just ahead. He nodded, knowing he couldn't get out of it now. "With Jamie gone, my whole squad is a mess," he admitted. "I'm the only one who can go," he amended his statement, " should go. " The pull of duty and loyalty to his team was strong. Yeah, he was running, but his team needed him.
Olivia nodded, seeming to understand. "Wanna tell me the other reasons?" She pulled back to see his eyes. "The real reasons." She prodded.
He felt his chest tightening, and he closed his eyes, trying to focus on where he was, not where his mind wanted to carry him off to. "My PTSD is bad right now." He hated this. Vulnerability. "Mama isn't helping, and Kathy…"
"She's dead Elliot." She softly stated the awful reality.
"I know. I know. I get that, but lately. I don't know. It's probably the PTSD. The flashbacks, and the memories. I just feel this overwhelming sense of…"
"Guilt." She finished and he nodded.
Her hand rested on his cheek. "You need to let it go El." Her hand dropped from his cheek to his chest. Her fingers rested right over his heart. "She's gone, and now? You're only hurting yourself. Maybe you could have done better, and maybe not, but you can't change the past, and this regret," her eyes welled with tears, "it will destroy you." She closed her eyes, "and I can't watch that Elliot. I can't."
He cupped her cheek and his thumb traced her lips. "I want to let it go. I just can't. And maybe that's why I'm running, because if I can't deal with it, maybe I can run from it."
She gave him a sad smile, "That really hasn't worked out for you though, has it?"
He chuckled darkly. "I guess not."
"Then stay. Stop running from it. Let me be there for you . You don't have to do this alone."
"I feel like I've said the same words before."
Her small smile returned, "Probably." Her voice lowered and her lips ghosted his. "Let me help."
He nodded. She was right. Of course. She was always right. "I still have to go." His eyes lifted to hers. "I don't really have a choice anymore." He had to go. Even if it wasn't about him , he had to do this for his squad.
"Okay," her voice was a breathy whisper.
His thumb brushed her cheek and his fingers splayed out against the back of her head. "I'll call when I can." He promised as his mouth drew closer to hers. "And when I can, I'll come straight home to you."
"Promise?" She asked, her voice filled with hope.
"I promise," he reassured quietly. He brought his lips to hers. Softly sealing the promise he had made. A promise of a future. Together.