Chapter 3
Dunes of Lost Souls
Kris commanded Ralsei to play fetch. The goat boy leaped high into the air and intercepted a frisbee thrown by one of the Beach Bums.
"Right on! You're pretty cool, I guess."
Susie had spared the strange figure after their brief fight came to an end.
"Oh, this is so undignified," Ralsei muttered, spitting out the frisbee and handing it over to the Beach Bum.
What they had thought to be a pair of sandy cheeks sticking out of the shifting dunes had quickly morphed in a blurry version of a human at the beach. It unnerved Kris to see any figure quite like this. It was like a mockery of them and The Dude.
This wasn't their first encounter with a Beach Bum. There had been several others of them along the way. Twice they had teamed up with Reefers. And once they had been with a Living Relic, a Dark version of one of the toys long lost at the beach. The Living Relic had been a difficult opponent because it could not be pacified or befriended. It wanted blood and the Fun Gang was obliged to beat it into the dust.
Its parting words, slightly hissed as it dissolved, still hung over them. "Past sins come due in a future so near the present…"
"This Dark World is something else," Susie snorted as they watched the Beach Bum wander off towards the waves. "Every Dark World has been stuffed full of people and things that people have forgotten or not really paid attention to. But here it feels like we're interacting with actual trash and ideas… I'm not sure if that makes sense."
"Each Dark World is populated with beings who are there to serve the needs of the Lightners," Ralsei reminded her. "Sometimes it's hard to figure out why they are there and why they are who they are. However, by taking our time to pacify and befriend each enemy, we help them discover their purpose and figure out how they help us in turn. Even if it's a small relationship, each positive one has an empowering effect."
"I just don't see how playing fetch with Beach Bums or giving them surfboards is helping us out."
"Perhaps we're supposed to come to terms with the fact that a beach has its own culture and strange people?" Ralsei suggested. "And if you can make friends with them, it makes your day at the beach all the better!"
"But we were pretty much alone at the beach until The Dude showed up and started screwing around," Susie muttered.
Kris shrugged. "It's okay if we don't know now. We didn't understand half the time what we were doing in each Dark World until we got further in and learned more about the people and ourselves."
"You make a good point," she admitted. "But dammit! I'm still kinda disturbed by what that one forgotten toy told us!" To her shock and confusion, Ralsei beamed back at her. "Uh, dude, is everything okay? Do I need to heal you? Kris, give me a hug here so I can power up!"
The Dark Prince laughed and said, "That's not it at all. I'm just so happy and impressed to see again how much you've grown, Susie! When we first met, you were ready to bash anything that moved or talked with your axe! And now, here you are trying to figure out this world and make friends. That is tremendous progress!"
Susie blushed and looked up, hands behind her head. "Yeah, I guess I have become a real hero after all. It feels good to be the good guy. Ha! And get some well-deserved praise!"
Kris hugged her, reminding her that hugs were good for heroes too.
Her blush turned even deeper as she returned it. Ralsei respectfully turned away to give them some quick privacy. Noticing this, Susie hurriedly paid Kris back by lifting them up and kissing them on the lips. She plopped them down in the dirt right at their face became as red as their eyes.
"Alright, that's enough remembering! Come on! I wish we had a map or something so we could figure how much further we have to go to make it to this sand sculpture thingy," Susie said, leading the way.
Ralsei helped Kris back to their feet and winked. "Looks like everything is going great between you two!"
Kris nodded sheepishly.
They followed Susie up the next sand dune, where they found two more Living Relics waiting up at the top for them. Battle was quickly initiated with Susie groaning, "Come on! This is taking us forever!"
She swept out her axe as Kris investigated if there was any way to communicate with these lost souls. One had the appearance of a half-eaten toy soldier. The monster was in its uniform with a helmet over its horns. It was missing an arm and a leg. The other Relic was a figure made of block with a faded, smiling face.
"Lost," they murmured together. "Lost… Your fault…"
"There's no way to befriend them," Kris muttered darkly.
They swept out their sword and slashed across the one-legged soldier. It tripped and fell face-first in the dirt. Susie followed up and smashed it with her axe. It crumpled and quickly dissolved into beach sand, whispering, "Past sins come due in a future so near the present…"
Ralsei shivered and asked Kris, "Are you sure there's nothing we can do?"
The blocky figure burst into pieces. The weathered Lego blocks charged from all different sides, trying to smash the heroes. They expertly danced out of the way, but the attack threw up a considerable amount of dirt. The gang's visibility was going to be hampered, making it harder for them to hit their target.
Kris sighed and appealed to the Living Relic. They could take it to the Tackle Shop and give it a chance at a new home. The monster did not respond.
Susie tried next, looking to frighten the Living Relic with a threat. "If you keep getting under my feet, I'll throw you away for good!"
It didn't do anything.
"We can heal you. You don't have to suffer like this," Ralsei implored. "You still have a life and purpose. We can help you find yours!"
Again, the Living Relic did not respond. Kris had the overwhelming feeling that this beast was looking to die, and if they couldn't bring about its end, this creature wouldn't rest until they were slain. It was unnerving. Very few enemies in the Dark World had this kind of twisted way of thinking or deep resolve.
The Living Relic repeated its attack, breaking apart and assaulting them from every conceivable angle. Kris, Susie, and Ralsei barely managed to dodge each attack, but with the amount of beach sand getting thrown around, it was getting very difficult to see. If they didn't act wisely, they would find themselves on the backfoot and taking real damage.
Kris ordered Susie to use them as a windmill. Ralsei was supposed to follow up and use his towel as a whip to restrain the Living Relic. Susie picked them up and spun hard and fast, becoming a cleansing cyclone. Ralsei whipped his towel off his shoulders and around the blocky creature, restraining it. Susie hurled Kris at the Relic. They sliced through it with their sword.
It crumbled to dust.
"Past sins come due in a future so near the present…"
Susie shivered. "There's no way that isn't some ominous foreshadowing. Think there's way to beat it, Kris?"
Kris nodded affirmatively, but they weren't so certain. It was hard to stop something you didn't understand. What these Living Relics were after was a compete mystery. It was too strange, too forceful that they could not be reasoned with and led to be pacified. Kris was willing to accept that not everyone could be befriended, but this fatalism from the long-forgotten toys was deeply disturbing. It was too personal for Kris.
Ralsei tried cheering everyone up, even though it weas clear that fighting and killing was having a deep and dark effect on him as well. "Remember all the other times our enemies tried to dissuade us with vague and cryptic threats? Sure, they turned out to be true, but we still beat them! That's the power of teamwork and the hope that comes with friendship. No matter what the world throws at us, we can overcome anything if we work together!"
"Way to be positive and motivating," Susie grumbled. She then cracked a wide grin and said, "You're absolutely right! We can't let these weirdos get under our skin! We haven't been beaten yet, not even by the toughest bosses!"
Kris was grateful for their optimism. It lit a new fire in their soul.
Susie continued, "Come on then! Let's stop wasting time here and find that- WOOOOAH! HEY! What the hell is going on!?"
The sands shifted underneath them. The Fun Gang found themselves sliding up a sand dune, barely able to stay upright. The sands vibrated and rippled as something, or many small somethings, moved just below their feet. The friends all locked hands and arms to support each other as they climbed.
Beady, black eyes popped out of the dirt, followed by orange-reddish claws, and then scuttling legs. Hundreds of little crabs were making their way through the beach. They appeared to be completely oblivious to the fact that three much larger people were right on top of them.
The crabs were all talking excitedly.
"The oracle is nearly complete!"
"We will have eggs to feast on forever!"
"Protection! Protection from the great beasts!"
"Mana from heaven!"
"Sweet nectar of life!"
"Bring the shells to complete the statue!"
"Freedom from want. Freedom from more work!"
"Finish the work!"
"Food! Plentiful food! Rest after-!"
"Guys! I think they're going to take us right where we need to go," Ralsei squealed with delight.
"I think I can live with that," Susie said nervously. She didn't like crabs unless they were very dead and very cooked.
Kris gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.
They surfed the wave of crabs, doing their best to shuffle and keep themselves balances atop the many scurrying bodies. The crab stampede also unearthed many other unseen obstacles from out of the sands. The three friends soon found themselves also dodging boulders, some more Living Relics buried deep down, a lost Reefer, and even a large sandworm, which ate some of the crabs before it was torn into shreds by the remaining horde.
Susie could barely stand the sight of that.
Eventually, the crabs carried the trio into a small valley where they saw grand sculptures made of beach sand. The towering monuments that looked like a sphinx with a tentacled monster's face, a large, naked snake with a tiny maple leaf at the sensitive spot, and a merman that looked like ICE-E stood imposing but crumbling. Their pupilless eyes glared down at the sight before them. A mermaid was being made by the crabs, all laid out on the beach.
And at the head, packed into wet mud was Berdly.
"Well, we have our first damsel in distress," Susie said.
"Mansel in distress," Kris corrected.
"A bird in a cage!" Ralsei added.
"Uh, I'm not sure that works, dude," Susie replied with a sideways glance.
"HELP ME!" Berdly screamed to the dark sky.
"So, what are we going to do?" Susie asked hurriedly.
"These crabs want food. Perhaps we could appease them somehow with that?" Ralsei suggested.
"With what food?" Susie hissed.
Kris was already coming up with an idea. They hurriedly pointed out the wet mud made by the crabs. They had dug an impressive canal that led to the sea and was funneling in the crimson water necessary to help them really sculpt this newest disaster, er, masterpiece. There was a way to give these crabs all the food they wanted!
Kris led the way, holding Susie's hand, who hauled Ralsei after her. They ran to the front of the horde and jumped off. Somersaulting through the air, they landed hard, striking their heroic poses. The crab stampeded scuttled to an uproarious halt.
"FOOOOOOOD!" they shouted.
The battle was about to begin, but Kris hurriedly knelt down and scooped up a bunch of mid. They quickly formed a delicious mud pie and presented it to the crab up front. Never before had anyone offered them food! These little monsters were so used to murdering and fighting to get whatever they wanted to eat.
"The oracle has delivered!" one crab shouted.
"It's brought strangers here to feed us!"
"Mud pies?"
"Better than nothing!"
"Better than nothing!"
"YUM! Mud pies!"
The impatient crabs hurriedly watched Kris make another pie. Susie and Ralsei quickly stooped to make some of their own. Ralsei added a tasty leaf. Susie added some garbage. The horde surged forward to make their own pies while the one in the front quickly scooped away the pies the Fun Gang churned out.
Chaos erupted around the heroes. The crabs were so desperate for food and so inspired by the pies, that they began taking apart the mermaid sculpture. They claimed the fishiness would add flavor. The little crabs ended up doing the work for Kris and their friends, ripping everything apart. Susie hurried over and yanked Berdly out before he became one of the special ingredients.
"My gamer girlfriend hero!' Berdly sang happily. "I always knew you cared more about me!"
"Yeah, not happening," she said, shoving him aside when he tried to kiss her.
Kris noticed how Berdly's outfit had also changed. While normally clad like a paladin in the Dark World, Berdly still had on the cool, cybernetic monocle and the energy halberd, but now he only wore armored swim trunks and had a generous amount of suntan lotion lathered all around him like armor. It was shockingly not dirty after spending so much time in the dirt and mud!
It was then that kris noticed the blue jay hurriedly adding more lotion to make up from the mess caused by his incarceration. Where he got the lotion from what anyone's guess!
"I'm so glad you guys beat the large guy and made it over here in time!" Berdly said happily.
"Uh, what big guy?" Susie asked, concerned.
"The big crab who was going to use me as a sacrifice to power up the fourth statue!' Berdly explained. "Supposedly, these crabs think that if they can gather enough special material, they can enact some incredible spell and get a bunch of food!"
"That is precisely what they are after!" a voice boomed from overhead.
The three heroes quivered. That voice sounded so familiar. They turned towards the sphinx abomination. Now that they were closer to it, the thing became incredibly unnerving.
"I think we should smash that thing up," Susie said, unslinging her axe. "You with me, Kris?"
Kris drew their sword. But just then, the ground shook. The pie making and eating crabs all turned to face the canal and waved their claws in greetings. Berdly gulped, "Oh no! You didn't deal with him!" The heroes exchanged worried looks as a sand dune shook and collapsed. A gigantic, purple crab with four pincers appeared.
"What in the name of Crustacia are you all doing?" the crab thundered. "You've destroyed the monument! Our plans would have been complete! The Dude would have showered us with food!"
"The Dude! The Dude! The Dude!" the other crabs chanted.
"Quick! Catch them!" the monstrous crab screamed, pointing two claws at the Fun Gang. "We'll use them as sacrifices and complete the oracle!"
"But they've fed us! Taught us how to make mud pies!" the horde called back.
Confused and enraged, the larger purple crab swept the valley with its claws, sending the poor crustaceans flying in every direction. Susie was glad that so many of them were getting gotten rid of, but this larger crab made her uncomfortable. It was the eyes, the pincers, the way it walked. The whole thing was unsettling.
But more than her discomfort, Susie hated bullies. She should know; she was one once.
"Alright Crab Cakes!" Susie called up to him. "That was uncalled for! No one goes pushing around the little guys while I'm around! That's my job!"
"How did you know my name?" Crab Cakes asked, nonplused.
Susie blinked in surprise as well. "Wait… That's your name?"
"My mother gave it to me."
"And what a lovely name it is, too!" Ralsei said kindly. He then whispered to kris, "Have any idea of how we're going to beat this guy?"
They all squared off for battle. Kris quickly ordered everyone to do the Crabby Walk Dance in unison.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Susie complained. "I haven't done something stupid like that since grade school!"
"Come on Susan, the Crabby Walk Dance is a performance of sophistication," Berdly said knowledgably. "I am sure a dragoness as light on her feet as you were in beach volleyball should do this just fine!"
"Yeah… But it's embarrassing…"
With Crab Cakes charging to smash them, all four got on their tiptoes and scuttled to the side, waving their arms making clicking noises. The gigantic crab scuttled to a stop, just like all the other crabs. He then mimicked their dance.
Kris warned everyone that he would still attack, but the dance was going to make his movements predictable. Sure enough, the massive claws fell like hammers, but they swung a basic beat that allowed the heroes to read the oncoming assault and dance out of the way. Crab Cakes became a little dizzy and very angry.
"Hold still! I need to smash you!" Crab Cakes roared.
"No thank you!" Ralsei sang pleasantly.
The party continued following Kris' lead as they danced. Crab Cake's black eyes bobbed after them, trying to keep up, but making himself dizzier in the process. He attacked again, sending up coarse waves of sand. The team's visibility was getting worse, but they remained unscathed.
"How exactly are we supposed to defeat this guy?" Berdly shouted.
"Working on it!" Kris shouted back anxiously. Their red eyes danced through the whirlwinds of sand, looking for a good means of escape. The sand dunes would slow them down. Trying to run away overland would be suicide. They could try to jump in the canal and swim away, but Crab Cakes was so big and could easily catch them once he shook off his dizziness. Perhaps the trick would be to make this gigantic crustacean so tuckered out it would curl up and keel over, just like with the Jevil battle.
They continued the dance and Crab Cakes tried in vain to crush them once again. All four massive claws swung and missed. He was teetering over when the eldritch sphinx hissed and blasted him with a blast of green energy. Crab Cakes suddenly became clear and oriented. His black eyes homed in on Kris.
Swallowing, the teen looked for another strategy. They ordered Berdly to join them in the dance. They would jump ahead of Susie and Ralsei. The dragoness needed to then take the Dark Prince and hurl right at the sandy sculpture and break it. Whatever they were going to do to escape, they could not let these statues heal and empower Crab Cakes.
"Got it!" Susie said hurriedly, taking up Ralsei like a javelin. Kris and Berdly jumped ahead and continued the dance.
"STOP THAT!" the crab roared and tried tackling them. Both teens barely leaped back in time. The claws attacked from the sides, forcing the fighter and paladin to block and parry with all the ferocity they could muster. The blows were so heavy that it felt like their bones were going to crack.
Luckily, Susie aimed true and Ralsei flew right into the sphinx's face. He brandished his towel as a whip and destroyed the structure from the inside out. He spilled out of the collapsing sand and sprinted back to join his friends.
Crab Cakes got up and prepared to attack again. His anger was only growing. Kris had to accept that there was no easy way to pacify this beast. They would have to fight. Kris ordered Berdly this time to strike the crab when it attacked and sever one of its legs. Susie was supposed to throw Ralsei again and take out another sand statue, just to be sure.
Their orders given, they braced for the next attack as Kris continued dancing. Crab Cakes could not look away and struck out at Kris. Not as dizzy as before, the Crab brought all four of his claws right at Kris. They danced like mad, dodging and striking with their sword and shield, getting brutally battered.
"Kris! Are you alright?" Susie screamed.
Completely out of breath, all Kris could do was give a curt nod. A bad lie.
Roaring, Susie hurled Ralsei at the ICE-E merman. She struck true once again and Ralsei hurriedly went about destroying the grainy monument. And as Crab Cakes was distracted, trying to clamp down on Kris and tear them apart, Beardly rushed up and heaved his halberd. He struck true and severed one of the great legs. Crab Cakes roared and leaped back.
"Kris! I'll heal you!" Ralsei shouted, quickly rushing to return, narrowly avoiding Crab Cake's wildly swinging claws.
Kris shook their head. They could not waste a vital action. If they played this right, they would remove Crab Cake's support and then they could whittle the boss monster down and make their escape. The beach dust swirled all around them in a great haze.
Kris ordered the party to repeat the process. Crab Cakes attacked again, and this time everyone missed. Susie couldn't stop blinking and threw Ralsei away. Berdly couldn't see where he was swinging, and his halberd bounced off great crab armor. Crab Cakes couldn't see Kris and pummeled the beach, throwing up more dirt.
"Enough of this! They are onto us!" A booming voice hissed.
There was a flash like lightning. Each member of the party felt a hand yank something at the nape of their necks. Fur, scale, feather, and hair, they each had something plucked. Crab Cakes raised his claws up high, and four bolts of lightning struck. There was a great BOOM and the resulting blast cleared the storm of dust.
The snake statues eyes glowed red and let loose a blast of crimson energy. Crab Cakes' four claws crackled with golden lightning as bubbling blood now frothed out of his carapace. The boss had been empowered to in a cruel way to kill the heroes.
This was a critical moment. Kris knew they needed to take a dangerous risk. They order one more repeat of the previous strategy.
Horrified at what this would mean, Susie intended not to miss this time. She scooped up Ralsei as he returned, absolutely covered in sand. Berdly readied himself to strike. Kris took to the front and danced once again.
Screaming in frustration, Crab Cakes lunged for them. The claws struck, pummeling Kris hard enough to drive them into the beach. The lightning electrocuted them. The boiling blood burned them. Kris went down just as Ralsei soared through the sky and struck the final statue. As he commenced destroying it, Susie screamed as she ran for Kris. Berdly struck another protruding leg. He made sure to get Crab Cakes on the same side.
This blow landed perfectly. Another leg soared away and put entirely off balance, Crab Cakes crashed into the beach.
"No, no, no, no, no!" Susie said, dragging Kris away. They were hot to the touch, and she felt her own hair stand on end. The attack had been beyond brutal.
"What are we going to do now?" Berdly asked frantically.
"Keep hacking away at that crap!" Susie barked. "I'm healing Kris!"
Tapping into the group's accumulated TP, she healed Kris. She poured all her heart and will into the spell, planting a kiss on Kris' burned lips. Magic swirled around them before diving into Kris' wounds, binding them up. Where she had once only been able to heal a little, Susie's determination worked a miracle. Kris sat up, accidentally kiss her again.
Susie didn't care about that. She pulled them in close and kissed back.
"Great! You two make out while I do all the work…" Berdly grumbled, hacking off a third leg.
Crab Cakes roared, once more, and used two of his claws to hold himself upright while attacking with the other two.
Kris coughed, "We need to take out his claws."
"Got it," Susie snarled.
"We should defend and build up our TP again," Ralsei shouted.
Going on the defensive, it was easier to dodge Crab Cakes' next assault since he was now missing three legs and needed two claws to stay upright. And then it all came together. Rest for a turn and empowered, all four heroes struck, unleashing their best attacks on the joints for Crab Cake's claws. With a series of four sickening pops, the boss fell forward and crashed into the beach.
Kris ordered a retreat to the canal, but Susie wouldn't go. She was so pissed that she stabbed her axe into a soft point on the gigantic crab. Using her incredible strength, she leveraged her axe and cracked Crab Cakes wide open. He cried out as he died and finally silence washed over the battlefield.
"Well, that was something…" Ralsei muttered, exhausted. "I know he didn't give us a choice, but still… I feel like we might have done something horrible."
"More like he did something horrible to us!" Susie snapped. "What the hell was that back there! What kind of spell did they cast?"
Kris wasn't sure, but they decided they should loot Crab Cakes before leaving with the canal. They found a Great Crab Cake that could heal the whole party. There was also a suit of Buffet Armor, made of great crab plate armor, which they gave to Berdly so he didn't have to keep relying on his suntan lotion armor. Finally, they also found a small fortune in Dark Dollars.
"I guess it was worth it," Berdly said, shooting Kris a jealous look.
The teen shrugged and led the party over to the canal. They found barges used to bring in building supplies. They stole one and sent it down the canal. The teens turned back to watch as the crabs returned and mercilessly descended on Crab Cakes.
Susie snorted and said darkly, "What do you know? We managed to give those crabs exactly what they were looking for. Man, now I'm hungry. Ralsei, pass me some of that damn seaweed!"