Chapter Three – Not all Hope is Lost
As soon as Harry left his quarters, Severus helped himself to another cup of strong black tea, not adding any cream or sugar, just the way he liked it. He sat at the kitchen table, feeling a bit numb from the conversation he just had with Harry.
So much was said, yet so little was revealed. And Severus asked himself for the millionth time, how in one night, he and Harry were suddenly separated by a chasm of secrets and hurt feelings. Severus could see how little Harry was revealing, how much he was hiding, and he was sure that Harry could see that in Severus as well.
Severus thought Harry's theories on Draco bearing the dark mark carried potential but Severus didn't want to encourage him. He wanted Harry to just stay away from Draco. Severus and Albus had this situation handled, a situation too delicate for a teenage boy and his friends to try and deal with on their own. Severus knew he was right to turn Harry away, but he just wished his son could understand why, could just trust Severus and Albus on it, but that was where the problem lay… Harry couldn't trust adults.
Severus recalled the last day of summer before term started, the words of trust that Harry had told him on the beach… And with a sinking heart, Severus realized he was a fool to believe Harry. A fool to believe that he had moved on from his past a bit to try and trust the adults in his life, because Severus realized that after what happened tonight, no matter how much Harry wanted to trust adults, he just couldn't.
The conversation they'd just shared, of Harry revealing his mistrust to Severus. It revealed the consequences of the Dursleys abuse and neglect towards Harry, affecting that child to the core, to the point where all trust was broken and Severus had a strong feeling that that was the reason to why Harry blew up when Severus told him to trust him and Albus, to leave it to the adults, because deep down, no matter how much Harry wanted to, he couldn't, at least not yet.
Thinking about all of that, Severus realized it explained all of the dangerous situations Harry had gotten himself into during his past few years at Hogwarts. Going after the philosopher's stone by himself with only his two friends to help him, going inside the chamber of secrets with only an incompetent teacher to rely on instead of going for actual help with an adult who was way more capable, and going to the Ministry to save Sirius Black with also only his friends. In every situation, it was the same pattern… Instead of going to adults, Harry only trusted his friends and threw himself and them into danger.
Severus took a deep sigh and sipped at his tea. Harry just wasn't ready to fully trust him yet, and he felt the ache of it in his heart and in his gut. Why didn't Severus see it that day on the beach? Why did he accept Harry's answer so easily?
"I know… And it's something we have to continue working on together. You know it's going to take time, and it's not going to be easy… We just need to be persistent about it. We will get through this, do you trust me, Harry?"
"I… I trust you…" Harry choked out.
And looking back at that conversation, Severus realized the hesitation and the forcefulness of Harry's answer. He was lying. He was lying and Severus ignored all of the signs. Clearly, after all this time, Severus still had no idea what he was doing when it came to looking after a traumatized and abused teenager.
Maybe, it's time to change that...
Severus continued sipping his tea with caution from the heat, blowing the hot steam away, deep in thought with his stress quickly turning into anxiety about the whole terrible situation. His heart was feeling as if cold dark hands were wrapping their spindly fingers around it, squeezing it, piercing it with their sharp claws. Never letting go…tighter and tighter…until his heart couldn't perform its normal rhythmic beating. And suddenly his chest felt tight, like the hands were now wrapping themselves around his lungs and he couldn't breathe.
Severus put down the mug and placed his elbows on the table, laying his face in his hands, rubbing at his eyes, trying to breathe. Trying not to let his anxiety get the best of him and remain calm.
He thought of the best way to improve the Wolfsbane Potion. It was a project he wanted to start working on, but yet hadn't found the time to actually start. Severus wanted to perfect it for Remus. His hopes for his improvements were to make the change painless and to let Remus keep his whole mind instead of about eighty percent of it… And once he accomplished that…maybe it could lead to something better…a cure perhaps…an impossible dream but could still perhaps happen.
Severus sorted into his hands with amusement and disbelief. It was funny how Severus was sitting here, thinking up ways to make Remus Lupin more comfortable with his full-moon changes to calm down his own anxiety, and the very fact that it was actually working.
Thinking of Remus Lupin…his friend now…was a bizarre thought as well. It was so hard for Severus to recall his feelings of resentment, anger and hatred he'd once felt towards the werewolf. It was as if those feelings belonged in a different world, a different universe where they remained rivals forever. A universe in which Severus had never forgotten those feelings and would never know the pull of those hazel-green eyes that always made Severus think of a summer-warmed and bright wooded forest. Where he would never know the alluring and comforting scents of tea, chocolate and old books all mixed together. He felt himself blush with those thoughts of Remus Lupin. His heart was now free of the hands, beating fast and free once again.
The flames in the fireplace suddenly roared from the living room that was also illuminated in a green glow.
"Severus?" A familiar voice called out.
Severus' heart jumped into his throat, his legs suddenly feeling numb. There was only one person in the world to make Severus react like that. He tore his face away from his hands, straightening himself out. He didn't want Remus to see himself lost in an anxiety attack.
And with his internal mask back on, shielding away his anxiety and stress, Severus called out, "In the kitchen!"
Remus entered the kitchen, and Severus couldn't help but notice how exhausted he looked, but at least he seemed glad to be visiting Severus in his quarters. Severus took in his brown rumpled and threadbare robes that were hanging off of his thin frame. His messy light-brown hair that sometimes looked golden in the light was flat and hanging over his hazel eyes that had dark circles underneath, and his face was so pale that the scars stood out more than usual. And Severus realized that Remus was not coping very well with the aftermath of being held captive by Greyback.
Severus stood up and began to prepare an herbal tea that was good for relaxation and sleep, mixed with a very small dose of a Dreamless Sleep Potion. Remus looked like he needed one nightmare-free night.
"Sit, Remus, you look dead on your feet. I'm making you a good cup of tea that should help you rest tonight… And, I'm adding a bit of Dreamless Sleep, if you're okay with that?"
"There's no need for that, Severus. I wouldn't want to be a bother," Remus answered, still standing at the doorway of the kitchen with his hands in the pockets of his robes.
"You are not a bother, Lupin," Severus sighed out with exasperation as he sat the tea kettle on the stove. "Now sit, before I make you sit." He watched Remus, waiting for a reaction.
That caused a smile out of Remus and it filled Severus' stomach up with butterflies. He just wanted to go over to Remus and brush the hair away from his face and kiss him, and Severus had to remind himself that they were only friends.
"You're empty threats don't scare me," Remus said with a hoarse chuckle.
Pulling his gaze away from the werewolf in his kitchen to focus again on what he was doing, Severus let out a mock scowl and drawled out, "Careful words, Lupin, don't forget I'm the one brewing your tea."
Remus chuckled again. Merlin, Severus loved the sound of it but he forced himself not to react to it. They were only friends and co-parents to Harry. They had both agreed on it… Severus reminded himself of that repeatedly in his head.
Severus then heard the scrape of a chair being pulled out from the table and the rustle of robes, and he knew Remus had taken a seat. They didn't say much anymore, only sharing small talk about their day and the classes they had. Severus had suddenly found himself shy with Remus sitting at his table and watching him with those hazel eyes causing him to be all tongue-tied and shaky.
Once the tea was finally ready, Severus placed it in front of Remus who thanked him and blew off the steam, taking careful sips and savoring the flavor. Severus took a seat across from him, watching as the tea worked its magic on the werewolf who seemed to be visibly relaxed now.
Severus finished up his own tea as he suddenly wondered yet again, how Harry had managed to produce a perfect Draught of Living Death today, and why it seemed as if he were hiding his textbook in class. Something strange was going on and Severus couldn't figure it out, and he knew that was only because of the stress and anxiety that he'd been under. It was taking its toll on him and he was sure that if it weren't for that, he would've perhaps figured out the answer already. He was sure the bloody thing was staring at him in the face.
Suddenly, Remus' eyes were back on Severus. Severus felt them, he felt his cheeks blush a bit and he hoped the werewolf wouldn't notice.
"I take it that your talk with Harry didn't go so well tonight?" Remus asked with concern.
How did he know that? How is it that Severus couldn't hide from him? His emotionless mask was always impenetrable, but it seemed like Remus was the only one to see right through it. Maybe, it's me, maybe I'm allowing him in without realizing it….
So then, what's the point of keeping it up if Remus could just see right through it? Severus bravely took a few pieces of it off, and said, "You're right. I was hoping we could resolve things tonight, but somehow we ended up further away than ever. How is that possible, Remus? How could Harry and I be so close one day, and then the next day we're fighting? The day I took him to the beach, he'd told me he trusted me and that he was going to try his best to work on his self-harm, and now after one full day back at Hogwarts, he hates me again.
Maybe, I just wanted to hear those words from him so badly that I quickly believed him, ignoring the signs of hesitation…ignoring the signs that he really wasn't ready to trust me yet… I just feel like we are right back where we started… I feel like I'm failing him…" Severus felt his heart aching at his admittance and he knew it came out in his voice, making it shake, and it felt so strange to let his emotions show like that. Severus felt naked from it, vulnerable, but he trusted Remus.
"You're not a failure, Severus, Harry is just being…well…you know, Harry. The moment you took him in, I bet you knew it was going to be hard, especially the history and resentment you two shared for one another… Yet you still took him in, you still adopted him… That's gotta mean something to Harry, don't you think so?"
As Remus spoke, Severus had his eyes casted down on his empty tea cup, he still kept them there as he spoke, his voice cracking a bit with hurt. "Remus, he'd just admitted to me that he doesn't trust me. Harry lied to me… I know he can be a lying brat sometimes…but I never thought he would lie to me over something that important."
Remus leant over the table and placed his hand over Severus' own that was still gripping tightly onto his mug. His hand was warm and soft and comforting, it grounded Severus from his hurt and despair. He pulled his gaze up to meet Remus' own and was suddenly trapped in the intensity and concern of those hazel-green depths.
"Don't give up, Severus. Right now, Harry is struggling with trust and I don't blame him after everything he's been through. He may have lied to you, but deep down I know he wants to trust you. The fact that he said it, only means that he wants to, yet he doesn't know how and you have to show him how. You must teach him… Just like everything else…
Think of all the things you've helped him with already… You've got him to see that cutting himself isn't a way to cope… You've helped him raise his self-esteem a bit… You've shown him that he's not a freak, that he never deserved the Dursleys' abuse. You've done so much for him and I'm sure he knows it. Hope is not lost with him. Harry is strong, he'll come around. Just don't give up, you're doing a fantastic job."
Remus' words of encouragement almost made Severus want to cry. He couldn't believe the effect they had on him. No one's ever been able to move him like that. What was it about this werewolf that affected Severus this much? He could not understand it.
And as he was considering those wise words, considering Remus…and as always, thoroughly enchanted by him, Severus suddenly found himself lost in beautiful forest-green and hazel eyes.
Time just stopped.
Severus could feel his heart beating loudly against his rib-cage and he considered just opening up completely to Remus, to tell him everything that's been bothering him… Especially Albus' stupid and dangerous and selfish plan for Severus… The ugly betrayal that Severus couldn't escape from, the noose around his neck, the secrets he was forced to keep, the very fact that there would be a time where Severus wouldn't be able to be there for Harry to guide him through the war. That Remus would have to do that alone.
And that killed Severus. It killed him when he thought of that every day. He didn't want to be a part of Albus' great plan to save the greater good. Severus wanted it to work, but he didn't want to be the martyr in it…but he had to be. There was no choice in the matter. His soul was Albus' to do with it as he pleased and the headmaster had already tied the noose so tightly around Severus' neck, who was now only waiting for the moment when the block would be knocked out from under his feet.
Severus was just grateful that Remus was here offering him advice, grateful that Harry had even bothered to show up tonight and talk, showing he still cared for their relationship, despite him admitting that he'd lied… Remus was right, not all hope was lost…it wasn't…and Severus just had to hold on to it. That was the only thing that kept him from breaking, breaking into a million pieces right in front of Remus.
Remus just watched him from across the table, studying his face, most likely seeing how Severus was holding back from talking, but he didn't ask for Severus to reveal the things he was forbidden to bring up. And Severus was entirely grateful for that.
But unfortunately for Remus, Severus was a Slytherin and he wasn't very well known for being so tactful and kind towards others… Recalling the way Remus was this morning, quiet and looking as if he'd just been hit by the knight bus as he nursed a cup of coffee. And again, noticing the way he looks now, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted, not just from lack of sleep… Severus just had to ask him…
"Remus, thank you for that. I'll consider your advice the next time I speak to Harry… Remus, I've noticed the way you've been handling your trauma with Greyback."
"My trauma? You're making me sound mad… I'm fine," Remus said, brushing away Severus' concern. "Can we not talk about that tonight?"
Remus pulled his hand away from Severus, drinking the last of his tea. Refusing to look at him anymore.
Severus understood why Remus was suddenly uncomfortable with the change of conversation turning towards him and his time with Greyback. If the roles were switched and Severus was in Remus' place and he was the one who had the misfortune to be tortured by Greyback, he wouldn't want anyone asking him about what happened. He wouldn't want anyone asking him why he wasn't sleeping, why he wasn't dealing with it…because who could deal with something as horrific like that happening to them?
With what little Remus had revealed to Severus and the memories he was able to see when he'd pulled Remus out of his wolf-state-of-mind, Severus had a taste of just how brutal Greyback had been with Remus… But Severus had to ask, had to force the subject up because he could see that Remus wasn't dealing with it. He was hiding in it, drowning in it. There was so much quiet pain in his hazel eyes.
"You haven't been sleeping. You barely eat. You're easily distracted and not at all your usual self… Especially today…" Severus said all of that in a low murmur, almost afraid to bring it up, but he reminded himself again that he had to do it. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
"No, I do not," Remus slammed his cup down. "I said drop it, Severus."
"No," Severus only said. "You can't keep going on like this, if you don't want to talk to me about it, then find someone to…"
"There is no one else!" Remus suddenly shouted. "Who the fuck would even understand what had happened to me?!"
Severus' heart sank. Remus stood up from his chair so quickly, it clattered to the floor. His eyes were suddenly flecked with gold, his jaw was clenched with anger and fear. He was triggered, Severus could see it in the way Remus was looking at him.
"Remus, why can't you talk to me about it, you were able to just days ago."
Severus was thrown off by this sudden angry reaction. In all the years he'd known Remus since the age of eleven, Remus was always so gentle and quiet and kind and patient. He always controlled his emotions, never letting his anger get the best of him like Severus was always so famous for doing. This behavior was not like Remus at all.
"Remus…" Severus pleaded. "Sit down, please."
Remus was shaking, glaring at him with angry gold-flecked eyes. Severus could feel his emotions coming off of him in waves. Gut-wrenching pain, anger, fear, humiliation and shame all balled up together.
Remus shook his head. "I'm telling you I don't want to talk about it right now, I didn't come here to be triggered by what happened to me… I came here to have a pleasant evening with you and you won't respect my wishes to drop it… You're not listening to me!" Remus snarled, then quickly turned around and left the kitchen.
In a flash, Severus was out of his seat and followed after him, grabbing Remus by the hand and turning him around to face him. "Remus! Wait, don't go!"
Remus violently flinched and pulled himself away from Severus' grasp. "Let go of me!" he snarled again, baring his teeth, the fear and anger in his voice rang out clearly in the room and his werewolf strength was still there, no matter how mentally sick and sleep-deprived he currently looked to Severus, Remus still managed to knock Severus almost to the floor, who luckily grabbed the top of the sofa to regain his balance, preventing an embarrassing accident.
And Severus knew Remus was losing himself to the past. He was being haunted by Greyback and the death of that young girl. He wasn't seeing Severus' quarters any more, he was seeing the cellar. He wasn't hearing Severus' pleas for him to stay and talk, he was hearing Greyback's pleas to join his pack, his orders to reveal information about Albus and the Order of the Phoenix. Severus had been too forceful in getting him to open up. He screwed up again, just like with Harry, and Severus couldn't blame Remus for reacting like this.
"Remus!" Severus called out, but the werewolf didn't answer back this time. He wrenched open the portrait door and slammed it shut behind him.
Severus cursed out loud every bad word he could think of.
The first week of Hogwarts flew by quickly. Harry found himself very busy with lessons and keeping up with his homework that kept piling up. Sixth year was proving to be the toughest year at Hogwarts he's had so far.
Late at night, when Harry found himself unable to sleep, he busied himself by looking through the pages of the Half-Blood Prince's book. The writing was so familiar, he'd definitely seen it before but he couldn't figure out where and it bothered him greatly. Harry wondered who the Prince was, reading some improved instructions on how to brew a Wit-Sharpening Potion.
In some of the corners of the pages, spells were written. Harry wondered if those were just the Prince's favorite spells or if he had created them. Harry also wondered if this mysterious Prince was even still alive. Was Prince a nickname or was it a last name?
And when Harry was not in class, doing homework or looking through the Potions book, Harry was watching Draco and wondering about his task for Voldemort and contemplating if he really bore the dark mark or not.
Draco was always accompanied by his friends Crabbe and Goyle. Several times Harry tried to catch his eye when his friends weren't looking, but Draco would never meet his gaze.
The tension around Harry and Severus seemed to disappear for just a short time. They talked again, just as Severus promised him, but nothing of what Severus was hiding from him or news of Draco came from it. They were at a stand-still for a couple of days, being civil with each other until Harry accidentally talked back to Severus during class yesterday. Bloody Snape had deserved it too, he was being a git to Harry and his friends without even a wink to show that he was acting, triggering Harry into acting out.
And even though he and Severus were having a hard time getting along, Harry still thought about whether he should tell his dad about the Half-Blood Prince or not. After all, the book was found in Severus' classroom, it was a big possibility of Severus knowing who the Prince was. Before they started fighting again, Harry had almost done it once, after class after everyone was gone, but he'd chickened out. What if Severus just got angry and took the book away? Keeping more secrets… And with that thought, Harry had decided not to. Severus had his secrets and so did Harry.
And with all of that going on, Harry had also managed to notice something weird going on between Severus and Remus. In the beginning of the week, they seemed to be friendly towards each other. Ever since Harry was rescued from Greyback's cellar, they seemed to have resolved the argument they had before, but now… It looked like they were fighting again. They didn't sit together anymore during meals in the Great Hall. Remus was now always sitting at the end of the staff table with Professor Vector, the Arithmancy Professor. Severus would be constantly shooting angry, yet concerned looks at the werewolf. And Harry could see that Remus was trying his hardest to not glance over at Severus. Everytime Remus would smile at something Professor Vector would say to him, it left Harry feeling more and more disappointed. Severus and Remus seemed to be good together as friends. It was clear to Harry that they had sorted out their old school differences and had become friends. They needed each other, and now they were letting some stupid fight get between them.
Harry was currently sitting in the Great Hall eating breakfast as these thoughts swirled around his head, and sure enough he was watching Remus and Severus at the staff table. Remus sitting and conversing with Professor Vector, Severus scowling down at his plate, an empty chair was next to him. Harry took another bite of his toast, wondering again what was up with them, wondering what to do about Draco who wasn't even at breakfast this morning. And especially since it seemed as if Severus and Remus had their own problems to deal with, Harry knew he couldn't rely on them with his Draco problem, he would just have to find a way to talk to Draco and help him himself.
"I have a letter for you, Harry Potter!"
The sudden voice startled Harry out of his thoughts and he turned around to see a third year Slytherin girl handing him a letter with a neat small and spiky black handwriting on the envelope, addressed to him.
"Oh, um, thank you," Harry said, taking the envelope.
The girl stood there for a moment. Harry looked up from the envelope with a frown. Ron and Hermione had stopped their bickering long enough to notice the slight awkward pause.
"Can I help you?" Harry asked.
"Is it true that Draco Malfoy broke your nose on the train?" The girl giggled.
Harry scowled and turned his back to her.
"Oi, bugger off!" Ron shouted.
"No, Ron! Remember that you're a prefect! Just take some points away from her for her rude behavior!" Hermione scolded, and at the mention of points being taken away, the girl ran off.
"Well, it's too late now!" Ron snapped at Hermione.
Hermione just rolled her eyes at Ron and spoke only to Harry, "Who is it from?" She leaned close to Harry so that no one else could hear their conversation. Ron leaned in as well, their argument now forgotten.
"Snape," Harry said, opening the letter and quickly reading it. "He wants me to meet him on Saturday at eight o'clock at night for detention."
"But isn't that the same time as your lesson with Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione worriedly asked.
Harry remembered again the cause of this detention with Severus, how yesterday Severus was either just being a real git to him and his friends or just possibly getting carried away by his role of pretending that he still hated Harry. He wasn't bloody winking like he'd promised he would do and it resulted in Harry losing his temper and sticking up for himself and his friends. Severus lashed back by giving Harry a bunch of hard questions on the potion they were currently working on, which was the Wit-Sharpening Potion, the one Harry had luckily studied while going over the Prince's book the night before. He answered almost every question right with an air of defiance and cockiness that left Severus livid. He accused Harry of cheating, embarrassing him in front of everyone, and it landed him in detention. It wasn't fair! Severus was acting like the asshole in the situation, and Harry was the one getting punished for it?! And ever since then, Severus was so icy with him now. He wasn't going to his bloody detention that was for sure, and besides Dumbledore had scheduled his meeting with Harry first. It was only fair that Harry should choose to go with the headmaster.
Harry pulled out Dumbledore's note from his book bag and reread the slanted writing. Excitement began to rise up in him and chase away the annoyance of Severus' unfair detention slip. He wondered what this meeting with the headmaster could be about. During the summer, Harry recalled Dumbledore mentioning extra lessons once the school year started. Could this be the first one?
"Snape will understand," Harry shrugged and gestured at Dumbledore's letter to his friends. "This is way more important than some detention I could always just do another night."
"Yeah but this isn't just some detention, Harry… I don't think you should cancel it. I think you should reschedule Dumbledore's lesson, even if it is important. You can always do that another night as well," Hermione advised with a worried frown.
"Oh, give it a rest, Hermione!" Ron groaned out with annoyance. "How is detention with Snape more important than a secret lesson with Dumbledore?!"
"Oh, let's see then!" Hermione suddenly snapped, finally having enough of the way Ron kept speaking to her. "Snape is Harry's father, Ronald!" she whispered so angrily and low enough that only Ron and Harry could hear her, yet it was still very scary as if she were shouting to them at the top of her lungs. "And their relationship is hanging by a thread! A thread and a very thin one as a matter of fact!"
Hermione then snapped her attention towards Harry who tried not to flinch.
"You should've seen Snape's face in class yesterday! He was livid with you, Harry! And you deserved it! You know he has to keep up that act, I bet you he doesn't even like speaking to you that way anymore than you do taking it! And you were so disrespectful to him! You don't think that hurts his feelings? And to make matters even more worse, instead of going to Snape's detention so you can apologize to him, you're planning on going off with Dumbledore!"
"Hermione, this is Dumbledore we're talking about here," Harry whispered back. "It's probably going to be about how I could defeat Voldemort!"
Ron flinched, dropping his orange juice all over his eggs. Hermione and Harry ignored him.
"This is the war we're talking about here, it's too important. Like I've said, Snape and I can always apologize another night… Besides, I don't even think I have much of a choice here, I'm sure Dumbledore is going to make Snape reschedule the detention once he finds out about it."
"But Snape is your…dad!" Hermione said in a barely audible whisper. "That should be more important than anything. I can see how distant you are with him right now, you need to fix it right away. You two are both miserable, and maybe then he would lay off us in class! Acting like a brat during Snape's lessons won't fix anything!"
Harry gaped at Hermione, shocked into silence for a few moments. He didn't think his friends had noticed, but of course Hermione did. "Severus and I are going to be okay. We always fight, don't worry about us, Hermione."
Hermione only sighed with defeat and annoyance, getting up and grabbing her books and stuffing them into her bag. "Have you ever thought that maybe this fight could be different, it could be the beginning of a permanent falling out? That maybe, Professor Snape really is hurt by your behavior? Honestly, Harry! He's done so much for you and this is how you repay him, acting like a brat?!"
Harry and Ron could only exchange shocked glances at each other, daring to not interrupt her.
"Stop pretending like you and your father are okay! You're not fooling anyone, certainly not me!" Hermione finished, then stormed out of the Great Hall, leaving Ron and Harry shocked and silent for a few moments.
"How do you argue with her every day?" Harry asked Ron as they turned back to their breakfast. Ron tried cleaning up the spilt orange juice with a charm. "That was bloody frightening."
"Beats me," Ron shrugged, now serving himself another plate of bacon, eggs and buttered toast. "But don't worry, Hermione's always mad at one of us, but then she just gets over it. I bet she just went off to the library to do some research on who the Prince could be or even what Dumbledore might teach you, like advanced spells or something, that way she can show you and help you prepare later."
Suddenly, Harry remembered Hermione doing that exact thing during their fourth year, often getting upset with him, yet still managing to help him prepare for the tasks for the Triwizard Tournament.
"Yeah…you're right," Harry said, instantly feeling like a git.
Hermione was right by the way, every single thing she had said. Harry was worried about him and Severus never making up, and that made his heart twinge a bit with loss. Hermione was right, he had to fix this rift he had with Severus. He was indeed bloody miserable about it, and so was Severus. Harry looked back to the staff table and with a jolt of his heart leaping into his throat, Severus wasn't there anymore. He'd managed to leave without Harry noticing as Hermione knocked sense into him.
"Let's face it," Ron said, pulling Harry out of his thoughts. "Without Hermione, we wouldn't have made it to sixth year."
"Yeah, I know, we are helpless without her, and everything she'd just said, she was right… I have to talk to Snape… I don't even know why Hermione even puts up with us, honestly!" Harry said with a huff of guilt and frustration.
Ron nudged Harry, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Mate…"
Harry looked down, he was rubbing at his arms and Ron saw it. He blushed and pulled his nails away from his skin. Thankfully Ron didn't mention it, he was probably as embarrassed about it as Harry was. They were never good at exchanging feelings with each other. Hermione was also the only one good for that.
"We are the only ones smart enough to be Hermione's best friends," Ron said, causing Harry to smile.
Harry wished Ron could have said that while Hermione was around, then perhaps she could stop being so mad at him all the time. Harry knew for a while that his best friends were harboring crushes for each other and Harry wondered how long it was going to take them to realize it. Hermione might be smart but when it came down to romance, just like Ron and Harry, she was pretty much oblivious to the subject.
"Hey, Harry," Ginny sat down across from him.
Harry stashed the letter in his pocket, hoping Ginny hadn't seen them. He wasn't sure if he could tell anyone else about his secret lessons with Dumbledore besides Ron and Hermione.
"Ginny," Harry stammered out. "Hi… What's up?" And Harry just wanted to sink to the ground at how cringy and awkward he was sounding.
"I was just wondering if you knew anything about the new captain for the Gryffindor team this year. I was so certain you would get the badge, but you didn't, nor did Katie or Alicia. It had to be either of you three, you're the only ones left from the original team."
"That is peculiar…" Harry said, trying to fish out coherent words to say to her back. He hated that Ginny could turn him into a mess like this, and hopefully Ron wasn't noticing.
"Hey! Maybe Dumbledore is planning on giving you your badge during your…! Ow!" Ron never got the chance to finish his sentence because Harry gave him a swift and meaningful kick from under the table.
Of course, Ginny didn't miss the look Harry gave her brother, she narrowed her eyes at them, but was tactful enough to not say anything.
Harry's stomach was doing a bunch of cartwheels and flips. He didn't know what to say and his hands were suddenly sweaty. He's never had this much trouble speaking to Ginny before, even when they'd spent time at the Burrow and boarded the train to Hogwarts, but they had Hermione and Ron with them constantly. They hadn't been alone together since his birthday.
The memory of that night made Harry blush, remembering how close she was to him in the orchard, so close he could smell the flowery scent of her shampoo and the way she had looked at him, her brown eyes soft and searching. It made Harry forget about his past with his relatives, made him forget the freak he felt he was sometimes, the self-harm… Harry didn't feel all messed up inside… Ginny somehow made him feel different, normal, whole….
Harry remembered how he felt when Ginny had admitted to him in the orchard that she understood a bit of what he was going through, and Harry could see it in her. Ginny truly meant what she said. And Harry could still remember the fireflies dancing around them, the glow in Ginny's eyes as she gave him her birthday present to him and it was simple and yet, it meant everything to Harry. He placed the frame on his bedside table in his room, the one in Severus' quarters, the only place that felt like home enough for Harry to safely put it.
He wondered what would've happened if they had kissed, how her soft-looking lips would have felt against his own if Severus hadn't interrupted them.
Ginny and Ron had started arguing about something, Harry wasn't sure of what. His eyes were on Ginny's hand that was laying face down on the table. Harry wanted to reach out and hold it, but he was too shy to do it, he felt his legs go numb at the thought.
"Let's get to class, Harry," Ron said, pulling him away from Ginny who gave him a departing smile.
"See you later, then?" Ginny said.
"Yes… I'll find out who the captain is from Professor McGonagall and I'll let you know what she says," Harry finally managed to say.
Ginny nodded and Harry wished he had the courage to just tell her what she meant to him, to just have taken her hand, to have kissed that smile she gave him. But he was a mess inside… Ginny deserved so much better than a freak like him.
Severus was livid, beyond livid! It was bad enough that he was having a horrid week of Harry acting out and Remus no longer speaking to him! The last thing he needed was to have his detention with Harry canceled!
How dare Albus still follow through with his lesson with Harry after he'd been assigned to detention!
Severus' detention should've canceled the lesson due to discipline! Albus knew why Harry had the detention, how disrespectful Harry was to Severus during lessons and chose to overlook it, forcing Severus to reschedule the detention and rewarding Harry in the process, encouraging his wayward behavior!
And Albus knew of the sudden strain on his and Harry's relationship. He knew Severus was planning on giving Harry a good lecture, then hoping to repair what was broken between them!
But, no!
Albus had to be fucking selfish! And it was no surprise at all to Severus, but he was still fucking angry about the whole blasted thing!
Albus didn't even have the decency to let Severus know that his lesson was still going to happen and not Severus' detention until ten minutes before Harry was expected to arrive, and it was by a bloody letter! Severus had prepared a sink full of rusted cauldrons in his sixth year classroom that were caked with grime of failed potions for the cheeky brat to scrub until he began to feel sorry for himself.
Severus shouted out his password to his quarters and banged the portrait door shut behind him, heading straight to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of red wine, all the while muttering to himself about disrespectful teenagers and headmasters who didn't consider anyone else's priorities but their own.
With his glass of wine and a load of work for the night under his arm, Severus then stormed back out of his quarters and went to his office that wasn't far at all, just down the halls of the dungeons near his classrooms.
He sat down at his desk, slamming down the load of student scrolls that had been waiting for him all day to be graded, making his mood more foul and grumpier than ever before. He really didn't feel like checking the essays over, but he did anyway, and his disappointment grew even greater with each passing scroll.
Severus was just writing a big red D over Weasley's essay when he heard the roar of the fireplace and the walls of his office glowed green. Severus wondered who could be paying him a social call at this hour. He glanced at the clock, it was bloody late.
That better be Albus! Severus thought angrily to himself, and sure enough it was the headmaster stepping out of his office fireplace.
"You have some nerve showing up after what you've just pulled!" Severus growled, not looking up from his work.
"Ah, Severus," Albus chuckled. "The lesson went well, if you were wondering."
Severus snapped his head up at the audacity of the headmaster coming in here with his blasted cheerful attitude! Yet, he swallowed his anger down because curiosity over what Harry had done with the headmaster tonight won him over. Severus knew Harry wouldn't be able to tell him about it. Asking Albus was his only chance.
"How did Harry do?"
"I can't tell you much yet, but he showed far more potential than I thought he would."
"Albus, just fucking tell me what you're doing with my son!"
"Not yet, Severus. We've been through this already. I'll tell you when the time is right. It's too early to do so… It could be very dangerous."
"For fuck's sake, Albus," Severus groaned with great annoyance and exhaustion. "And what if I don't want Harry to do this by himself?"
"I've told you so many times, it's the only way. This is what has to happen and Harry will succeed. Just have faith in him," Albus answered back with a far greater patience that Severus could never have himself.
Severus snorted at that, his eyes landing on Albus' hand, charred black and lifeless from the curse Severus had managed to stop from killing the old fool swiftly. He was able to buy the headmaster time that night. Harry would've tried asking Albus about his hand tonight. Severus knew his son very well.
"Did he ask you about your hand," Severus asked.
Albus raised up his hand, examining it as he said, "Harry's indeed very curious… He did try asking me about it, but I steered him to a different topic."
"He's not going to let it go so easily, he'll bring it up again until he gets an answer. Harry doesn't like things hidden from him, especially things he deserves to know."
Albus only examined his hand once more and chuckled.
Severus scowled, already having quite enough of the headmaster being so fucking bloody cheerful and smug in his office. "Is there anything else in particular that you came to tell me, if not…"
"One more thing, your detention is rescheduled for any day of your choosing."
"Great," Severus muttered, looking back down at his work and saying dismissively, "Well if that is all, I must get back to grading some very disappointing term papers."
Albus chuckled, "Don't mind me intruding any longer. I have another mission I must prepare for. I won't be here for a few weeks, so please, watch over the students, Severus."
Worry prickled in Severus' chest. The old fool annoyed him to no end, but he had to face it, without Albus the wizarding world didn't stand a chance. Harry would be lost without him. And for Severus, well, he would be without the only mentor he'd ever known for the past sixteen years. But Severus was never going to admit that to Albus, even after death.
"Don't be stupid this time, Albus, take care you don't curse your other hand," Severus drawled out, still refusing to look at him.
The words were mean, but behind them, Severus hid his worry and fear for him, hid the fact that he cared for the old man. And he was pretty sure Albus understood what he was hiding.
"I'll take care, Severus, there's too much at risk. I cannot afford to make anymore foolish mistakes."
Severus didn't say anymore. He just continued to stare down at the essay he was grading, not really comprehending what he was reading as a roar of green flames announced Albus' departure.
As Severus buried himself into his work, his anger and annoyance directed towards Albus began to disappear and instead, fear and worry took their place… Worry for Albus' safety on his mysterious missions, fear and worry for his son who was destined to walk this mysterious path alone to defeat the Dark Lord….
Severus knew Albus was doing all he could to protect Harry and guide him through it, even if Severus didn't agree with his tactics. He knew Albus was doing what he thought to be right in order to save the wizarding world. He knew this was Harry's destiny, but Severus wished for a chance of Albus being wrong.
But Albus was hardly ever wrong… And Severus feared again for the moment when Harry would find himself alone without Albus or Severus around to guide him.
At least he'll know that he has Remus on his side… The only thing that was holding Severus together, and he found himself vowing that no matter what, no matter how much Harry might hate him after the terrible promise was accomplished, Severus planned to do everything in his power, even if he had to do it undercover, to help his son on his path to defeat the Dark Lord, to help him with any tasks Albus was planning on leaving for him after his death, and insure that Harry survives.
Even if Severus had to sacrifice his own life, because Severus had a feeling he may not make it to see the outcome of the war, not with a role such as his. All the lies he'd been feeding to the Dark Lord would surely catch up with him eventually. There was no hope for Severus, no going back, and he'd accepted it long ago. But hope would never be lost for his son, because in spirit and in life, Harry would always have Severus.