Chapter Four – Trust the Werewolf
It was the end of Harry's first lesson with Dumbledore, and he couldn't believe what the Hogwarts headmaster had shown him tonight. It was about Voldemort's family, the start of his past. It was strange to think that the dark wizard had a mother, it was hard to believe that once he was just a kid. Did anyone know what Voldemort was destined to become? Wasn't there anyone who bore a small hint or feeling when they'd interacted with him? Harry had asked those questions to Dumbledore and the headmaster had told him no. But how does a small innocent kid grow up to become something that evil?
What drove Tom Riddle to such a dark place? What made him want to become so evil enough to kill anyone that wasn't worthy enough to carry magical blood? To go after two innocent babies without a second thought about it, who were only inaccurately prophesied to be his downfall. What made him so emotionless and cold? A monster? What does it take to drive someone down such a dark and bloody path? Harry inwardly shuddered as he thought about it…wondering if that could have easily been his future.
Dumbledore had told Harry that Tom Riddle had grown up in an orphanage without a soul to love him. Just like how Harry grew up with no love from the Dursleys. Could that be the result? Harry couldn't help but link Voldemort to himself. If Severus hadn't rescued Harry in the summer, would that have been his fate if he stayed there? What would've happened to him? Would he have starved to death or died at the hands of his uncle's cruel hands or would he have eventually gotten carried away with cutting himself, accidentally dying from blood loss? If Harry hadn't been taken out by any of those things, would he have turned out like Voldemort?
Harry couldn't help but think of the things they had in common… Rotten childhoods… Both growing up in the muggle world without knowing what they truly were… Both half-bloods if that counted for anything… Similar looks…dark hair, long face and nose…same skin tone… The only thing different was the eye color and that Harry wore glasses. And even though they were in different Hogwarts houses, Harry couldn't ignore the fact that he was almost put into Slytherin.
Maybe that was why the Dusleys hated Harry so much, maybe they had detected something dark in him when he was little and that resorted to them beating the magic out of him. Maybe they were right and Harry really was a freak, destined to become evil like Voldemort.
Burning pain began to flare up from his arm, ripping Harry out of his thoughts and he looked down at his arm with shock. He'd been scratching himself again without realizing it. Harry had been trying to stop, he'd even promised Severus he would try but it was hard, especially with everything that has been going on… Arguing with his dad… Worrying over Draco… The way he kept getting all tongue tied around Ginny… The mysterious Half-Blood Prince… And now thinking about Voldemort as Tom Riddle and how similar they were… There was too much building up inside him. And not helping at all was Aunt Petunia's voice just echoing in his head… Freak! We had to beat all of the magic out of you!
Harry shook the voice away, refusing to listen but it stubbornly clung on and he tried not to think how good cutting felt right about now… It would take everything away for just a little while… A few precious moments of peace and relief from the voices in his head, the anxiety rising up and building in his chest.
Harry also didn't like the way Dumbledore had dismissed him so easily after Harry had asked him about that peculiar ring on his hand. It looked a lot like Marvolo Gaunt's ring. Harry asked if it was the same one and the headmaster had practically kicked Harry out of the office, just like the time Harry had that strange vision of Bellatrix and Voldemort planning someone's murder. Harry hadn't had another one, just nightmares of it. He never got answers to it either. Dumbledore had just taken the information and shoved him in the dark… And he did the same thing tonight when Harry asked about the state of his hand, giving Harry a false answer then purposely changing the subject… It annoyed Harry, and he decided right then and there that he couldn't open up to Dumbledore about anything, especially about Draco. These lessons were all just business in figuring out how to defeat Voldemort.
Only one good thing came out of the evening's lesson, Harry was now the official Gryffindor quidditch captain. Dumbledore gave Harry the badge just before they'd dove into the pensieve. Harry took out the red and gold badge, admiring it with disbelief. He really thought it was going to be either Katie or Alicia or even Ginny, because she was that good on the field. Also, Ginny was the only one who could help Harry pull Ron together before a big game.
And thinking of his new title as quidditch captain, it made Harry very happy and excited about it and he wanted to tell Severus about it, but he couldn't. He wanted to go to his dad and just tell him everything that has been bothering him, but remembering the distrust he'd admitted to Severus… Then the argument between them during their last lesson together, the look on Severus' face… Hermione was right, Harry made everything much worse between them by choosing Dumbledore's lesson over a chance to make up with Severus… And now Harry really felt like he couldn't go to Severus more than ever before.
Instead, Harry shoved the badge back into his back pocket and forced himself to keep walking to Gryffindor tower instead of downstairs to the dungeons.
Just as Harry reached the stairs, footsteps echoed from the next corridor, causing Harry to stop in his tracks. Who was on the seventh floor this late at night? It had to be after curfew by now. Harry pulled over his invisibility cloak and found a tapestry of trolls, leaning beside it against the wall. The footsteps were coming closer. Harry slapped a hand to his mouth, that way the owner of the footsteps wouldn't hear him breathing.
And it wasn't long until he could finally make out a dark figure approaching him, his face hidden in the shadows. Harry stayed as still as possible, not daring to make a single sound. Harry watched the figure walking closer and closer, the footsteps sounding louder and louder, along with a swish of long school robes… Then from the light of the moon coming from one of the long windows of the corridor, there was no mistaking that platinum blonde hair.
It was Draco!
Harry's heart skipped a beat. Maybe now that they were completely alone together, Draco would talk to him as a friend again. Harry stepped away from the wall, pulling off the cloak so that he appeared right besides the Slytherin like an apparition.
"Bloody hell! Potter?!" Draco, usually always so composed, jumped a foot in the air, his hand over his heart with shock and fright. He glanced over at Harry with wide eyes, breathing hard and noticing the invisibility cloak in his hands.
Harry had a hard time keeping himself from laughing. "Aren't Slytherins supposed to be ready for any signs of possible danger? Not jumping about like us foolish Gryffindors?" Harry teased, hoping with all of his heart that his friendly prank would make Draco drop the act he's had on since the train and just be his friend again for one stolen moment.
Gray-blue eyes connected with Harry's own bright-green eyes. Harry could see a glimmer of amusement and friendliness in those depths and sudden relief washed over him. His Draco was still there… Then gray-blue eyes turned into hardened steel, and Harry's heart sank… He spoke too soon….
"Nice new nose you've got there, Potter. Don't make me break it again. Get back to your dormitory before you get yourself into more trouble. I'm sure your daddy wouldn't like that," Draco sneered, stepping away from him, raising his wand. "Go on, be a good little boy for that greasy dungeon bat!"
Harry glared at him, tightening his hold on his own wand, ready to draw it out as soon as Draco uttered his first spell. "Drop the act, Draco. No one's around."
"Drop what act, Potter? What are you even doing here, anyway? You better not be spying on me again!"
"I wasn't spying! Draco, just stop for one moment. I have to talk to you about something…about the mark on your arm…"
Draco glared at him, slapping his arm to his wrist.
Harry watched that with a raised eyebrow…wondering… Was he too late? Did Draco have it already?
"You stupid git, didn't you get my message on the train? We were never friends! It was only a truce to get me through those weeks. Summer is over, the truce is over! You don't know what you're bloody talking about and stay the hell away from me!"
Draco then walked past Harry, carefully making sure to hit him in the side as hard as he could with his shoulder.
He's lying… He doesn't mean any of that… He's only just trying to push me away… Harry told himself, his heart aching at the possibility of him being wrong. True or not, Draco was a very good actor. It made Harry forget how Draco once promised that he wouldn't mean any of his future hostility… That once the war was all over… Draco would be there again on the other side without the act…and they could be friends again….
"Draco," Harry said, before Draco could walk further away from him. "I know about your task from Voldemort. What is he making you do? How can I help you?"
Draco whipped back around, facing him with a shock and stormy glare. "Shut your mouth, Potter! You don't know what you're talking about! Are you fucking insane?! Leave!"
And Harry knew he hit Draco's mark, now Draco knew that Harry knew and there was no hiding from it. Maybe now he could drop the charade for just one moment, just long enough for Harry to see if he needed help.
"I do know what I'm talking about," Harry murmured, stepping closer to Draco who glanced around for any possible night-time wanderers.
"After you left us, Severus told me you had a task, but he wouldn't tell me anymore than that. I do know that your life's on the line, along with your parents'...Draco, you don't have to do this… If you need help… Severus…"
Draco's act broke just a little, and Harry saw how his stormy eyes filled with pain, anger and fear… Then the act went back up, the impenetrable mask that was so impossible for Harry to break.
"What can Snape do to help me out, Potter? I don't need help! I'm fucking fine and dandy here! This is what I've always wanted! Besides, I wouldn't be so quick to lay all of my trust on Severus Snape. You do know he is the Dark Lord's most trusted and loyal servant, right? He claims to be a spy for our side or is he really a spy for the light? Is he Dumbledore's man or the Dark Lord's? I guess no one really knows but Severus Snape himself!" Draco spat out.
Harry flinched at that, but he refused to let Draco get to him. He shouted back, not giving a shit if anyone was around to hear them. It was so late at night that it was very unlikely anyways. "He is fighting for the light! He wants to help you, Draco. I want to help you!"
"No!" Draco shouted. "Open your eyes, Potter. There is nothing you can do! Nothing! Everything is changing and it's better to be on the side destined to succeed. Just stay out of my business and I'll stay out of yours," the Slytherin spat and as if it were an afterthought he didn't mean to say, Draco added, "It's better this way. Everything that happened between us, it's over. Forget everything I've promised. It was stupid to hope for it."
"Draco…" Harry choked out, his heart breaking. It's an act… It's an act… Maybe, it isn't….
"I'm serious, Potter. Stay away from me. I'm letting you off easy. Next time, I'm breaking your fucking nose again."
Harry stepped back, not believing what Draco was saying to him. Not recognizing the Slytherin standing in front of him, his best friend….
"So you're just giving up?" Harry argued back, he wasn't letting Draco push him away without one last fight.
Draco only glared at him and walked away.
"I know you better than that!" Harry shouted. "Just show me your arm at least! That way I know for sure at least the reason why you're suddenly so determined on giving your whole life away to that bastard!"
Draco whirled around, eyes full of sparkling anger. "Flipendo!" he shouted.
Harry felt himself get knocked off his feet as if a giant had flicked him away. He flew into the air and crashed into the wall with the hanging tapestry of trolls. The air was knocked out of his windpipe and he gasped out in pain as he fell to the floor. He pulled himself up into a sitting position with his bruised back leaning against the wall. Harry looked up just in time to see Draco walking away, not even looking back to see if he was okay.
Harry couldn't breathe. He was fighting for air. He didn't move, couldn't move. The hurt he was feeling at what Draco had said to him felt worse than being thrown into the wall.
And his mind drifted to the furthest corners of his brain where the dark thoughts were hidden.
Harry wondered if this whole time Draco was faking their friendship, waiting until he was back with Voldemort to be his true self again. He couldn't help but replay that memory over and over of Draco promising to meet Harry on the other side of the war. The real Draco without his mask… The Draco who just wanted to be a quidditch player or a healer. The one who laughed with Harry during chess games and exploding snap, chasing the practice snitch around Severus' quarters and having pillow fights until Severus got mad at them. The Draco who was too shy to play quidditch at the Burrow because he wasn't sure if he would be welcomed by the Weasley children. The one who was there during Harry's panic attacks. The one who told Harry they were best friends, that Harry was his only true friend who understood him… Was that all a lie?
Was it all just a lie to get him through the summer? Or to possibly break Harry? Was the old Draco, the bullying Slytherin, the real Draco this whole entire time? Harry felt so stupid, a stupid fool to believe him and let his guard down around him. Dark thoughts emerged from their shadowy corners and swirled around in Harry's mind. They reminded him of the monsters in the shadows, the monsters Harry was so afraid of when he was a little kid, sleeping in a dirty broom cupboard.
He suddenly felt it… That small longing that grew stronger and stronger until it took over and it was all Harry could think about doing. His body started shaking uncontrollably hard. That need was suddenly all that mattered, to cut into his skin and feel that burning and satisfying pain. Cut deeper and deeper until crimson-red blood trailed along his pale and scarred skin.
He couldn't control the situation Draco was in, couldn't force Draco to accept his offer of help, but Harry could control the pain he was feeling inside. He had to physically feel it in his flesh. He needed to cut… He needed to… He couldn't stand feeling so hurt inside anymore….
And somewhere in the back of his mind that was full of shadowy creatures, Harry fought with himself to not give into it, knowing how livid Severus would be if he found out Harry had cut himself. He would already be upset if he saw Harry's scratched-up arm.
Then his thoughts switched back to Draco. He focused on him, fighting so hard with himself… Don't… Don't… Harry told himself and he remembered the time they began to form an actual friendship… This memory that meant so much to Harry…and how was it possible that Draco was being so fake in it all along? There was no way it was all a lie….
.
.
Severus' last words rang in Harry's head: "I think it's more than just you being upset with me. I think you were just starting to trust me and it scared you, now you're using the smallest excuse to push me away!"
Harry slammed the door hard behind him, not caring that Severus might come in here after him to yell at him for being disrespectful and slamming doors. Harry had enough of that slimy Potions Professor who only lied to him about everything!
This whole situation was all just one big fat stinking lie! Severus never cared for him, it was all just for duty, because he had to… And Harry had no idea why Severus kept trying to explain himself. There was no use in even trying to fix it. By the end of the summer Harry would be back to residing at Gryffindor tower, then this would all be over and they could just forget everything that happened.
"What are you two fighting about now?" a voice drawled from Harry's desk. Harry turned to see Malfoy sitting there, working on his summer homework.
"Like you care," Harry muttered with annoyance, then he kicked the door hard. He wanted to cut. That was the worst part about it. He'd just been back from the hospital wing for a week after almost killing himself from slicing open his wrist, and he still wanted to cut, and it scared him, and he was angry at Severus, and also hurt for being lied to, for actually thinking that there might've been an adult he could trust. But everything was all wrong, and Harry just really wanted to cut but he couldn't because he had a bloody Slytherin in his room.
"Hey! Potter! Stop that!"
But Harry couldn't, he kicked the door again and again. His rage was seeping out through his shouts. His hurt was coming out from warm tears slowly trailing down his cheeks. And his need to cut was coming out in his suddenly trembling body and Harry just kept kicking and kicking, hoping Severus would come in here so they could just fight! Why isn't Severus coming in to yell at him?
Suddenly, Harry felt strong arms wrapping around his waist, pulling him away from the door.
Harry shouted out in protest, "What the hell, Malfoy! Let go of me!"
"Are you bloody mental?! What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you want Snape coming in here for making all that ruckus? He's going to if you don't fucking stop hurting yourself!" Draco shouted.
"So what! Why do you even care?! You'll probably love the show! Me hurting myself, acting bloody insane with Snape yelling at me!" Harry shouted back, trying to fight out of Draco's grasp.
"No, Potter! You're bloody wrong!"
Harry couldn't respond to that. He needed to cut! He needed to let out the hurt and anger that was making him want to explode. And he just didn't want to be touched. He kept fighting out of Draco's grasp.
Where the fuck was Severus?! Harry had left him in the kitchen where they had been arguing, he was sure Severus could hear everything going on.
He's probably given up… He doesn't know what to do with me… I'm just a fucking freak he has to deal with!
"Let go of me!" Harry roared out.
"Only if you promise to stop and listen to me!" Malfoy shouted, still keeping a tight hold on him. They had fallen to the floor, Malfoy's back was against Harry's bed and Harry was practically struggling in his lap now.
Harry didn't say anything more. He couldn't breathe and he hated human contact when he was feeling this triggered, but Malfoy was resilient with his hold on Harry, not letting go, even as Harry let out another shout of frustration and tried straightening out his body, arching his back to get Malfoy to let him go. But it didn't work. Malfoy just held on and Harry suddenly felt the anger seep out, more tears were streaming down his cheeks but he wiped them away quickly. He didn't want Malfoy to see him cry anymore.
Harry let his body go soft, trying to take in deep breaths. "Okay, I'm calm!" he snapped.
"You don't sound calm," Malfoy stated, not shouting but just serious and very calm himself.
Harry took a deep breath with frustration and resignation, closing his eyes, trying to calm himself down. He kept thinking of the stag in the meadow, the way its muzzle had felt as it nuzzled it to Harry's cheek. And Harry remembered the talk Severus had given him that day, of everyone having a different path, some had it darker and harder than others but there would always be a light at the end…happiness... That memory made Harry's heart ache, causing the anger to fade a little, at least enough for Malfoy to decide Harry was calm enough to finally let him go.
"You have to lay off Snape, Potter… Bloody hell…" Malfoy said, sounding a bit out of breath and his voice was full of exasperation as Harry crawled away from him, choosing to sit beside him with his back against the bed like Malfoy.
Harry pulled his knees up to his chest, laying his face down on his lap. "You don't know anything," he muttered. Harry wasn't sure if Malfoy was able to hear him. His voice was muffled and he was trying to take in deep breaths, but he couldn't… He couldn't breathe… He needed Severus and he instantly chased that thought away.
But Malfoy did. "Maybe not about everything but I know that you're lucky he's taken you in for the summer…especially because he used to hate you. You should at least show him a bit of respect even if you're mad at him."
Harry scoffed and lifted his head to look at Malfoy with disbelief. "You're talking about being disrespectful?! After how you've treated Remus, Hagrid and anyone who wasn't pure-blood? Hypocrite!"
"Fine, I'm a hypocrite! Call me out on it all you want, but you can't keep living with Snape like this for the whole summer. You two are bloody driving me mad! You have to talk to him, at least let him know why you're angry at him!"
Malfoy's words caught Harry off guard and all he could do was stare incredulously at him. Who was he to lecture him on being disrespectful? How much of Harry's past does Malfoy know? Did Severus tell him?
"How do you know I'm mad at him for something? What if I just can't stand living with him?"
Malfoy shrugged, "Before Snape arrived to pick us up from the Burrow you kept asking Mrs. Weasley for him when you thought no one was paying attention. When your scar was hurting, you'd only wanted him…only Severus could calm you down. Then suddenly you see me sitting with him, talking to him and I come back with you and him, and then you hate Severus! Why, Potter? Jealous I was taking all of his attention from you?"
"I'm not jealous! That isn't what this is about," Harry said tersely.
Malfoy looked at him and scoffed at his words, his blue-gray eyes dancing with amusement and disbelief. "I think the only reason you would be jealous was if Severus took you in and you two somehow worked out your differences with each other and then somehow grew close… What is he now? Your new guardian?"
Malfoy paused so Harry could answer, but he didn't. Harry just kept his glare fixed on his lap.
"Whatever… I figured the only explanations to your sudden fights are that you're upset that I'm here or it's something he's done."
Harry didn't respond. He still kept his gaze down. The Slytherin was way more observant than Harry thought.
"Just talk to me, Potter!" Malfoy sighed, pleading with impatience in his voice. "Why are you so upset with Snape, how did you even end up with him?"
"Just because we've formed a truce doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly be your best friend," Harry muttered angrily. He was certainly not opening up with his ex arch-enemy.
Harry stayed quiet, not saying anymore. Not daring to chance a glance at Malfoy, trying to focus on breathing slowly, taking in air then letting it out….
Why hasn't Severus come in yet? Maybe he's tired of me… I don't blame him….
Freak echoed in Harry's head.
Malfoy let out an exasperated sigh, Harry didn't have to look at him to know that he was rolling his eyes. "You're impossible! Fine, be a prat. I'm going back to my homework." Malfoy stood back up and sat back at the desk. Harry could hear him turning the pages of his textbook.
There were several moments of silence, apart from the sounds of Malfoy scratching his quill against his parchment, occasionally flipping through his textbook.
Harry stayed where he was on the floor, burying his head back into his lap. His breathing was getting a bit easier now.
He wondered again why Severus hadn't come in yet to check on him, especially since he was kicking the door really hard.
Does he even care, did he get tired of yelling at me? Why the fuck am I still here with him? Severus doesn't want to take care of a freak like me, Harry contemplated to himself.
He really wouldn't blame Severus if he decided to kick Harry out and keep Malfoy instead. The thought of his Gryffindor room changing into Slytherin green almost made Harry want to cry again.
"I thought he cared about me," Harry suddenly said, lifting his head so that Malfoy could hear him. He didn't know what made him start talking. The emotions of hurt and anger paired with all of his negative thoughts were still swirling around him, causing his body to shake, he wanted to cut, but he knew he couldn't and maybe talking a bit to Malfoy may help, after all, it already calmed his breathing a bit.
Malfoy stopped writing, listening and waiting for Harry to continue.
"Severus rescued me from my aunt and uncle," Harry admitted, suddenly his breathing was becoming heavy again, his throat closing up from anxiety. Why was this so hard?
He was suddenly nervous at the thought of talking to Malfoy, even though he'd felt like he was ready just a second ago. The only one Harry was able to talk to about his relatives was Severus, and it hurt so bad that he didn't have that anymore. But maybe he could have someone else, Malfoy was already asking him about it anyway….
"He said they were abusing me…" Harry said so quietly, his cheeks growing very warm. And an awkward silence followed. "Severus brought me here when he found out about my cutting, then he found the bruises… He's been helping me with trying to stop and trying to get me to see that I'm not a freak…"
Harry stopped, taking a deep breath before continuing, "Severus told me he cared for me, that he wanted to help me get better, to stop cutting, but he lied… According to him, he only took me in because he had to, he only helped me on Dumbledore's orders, so that means everything he's told me… It was all lies… And when I had that vision, he said we were going to talk to Dumbledore about it to find out what it means but he had let Dumbledore kick me out of the office so they could talk about me and keep secrets… I was so stupid to even consider trusting him. How can I when I don't even know what side he is on… Dumbledore's or mine or possibly Voldemort's."
Malfoy finally put down his quill and turned around, looking down at Harry with a frown. "Potter, I'm very certain Severus had said those things because I was there. He wasn't sure if he could trust me knowing about you and him."
Harry figured that could've been true… But Severus still chose to follow Dumbledore's orders then stick up for Harry…
How can I trust him if he doesn't completely have my back? He'll only end up betraying me or hurting me. Just like everyone else… Those thoughts were so loud in Harry's head and he couldn't ignore them. He stubbornly shook his head at what Malfoy had said to him.
"Fine," Malfoy said with annoyance. "Don't believe me, but I do know Snape really does care for you."
Harry only stubbornly shook his head again, his eyes watering just a bit. He avoided Malfoy's searching gaze so that he wouldn't notice. Harry was still sort of in shock for how much he' revealed to his old arch-enemy.
"Is that why you cut? Because those muggles had hurt you?" Malfoy asked.
Harry tugged down his sleeve, trying to hide the bandage with the healing cuts beneath them.
"Remember the day we were in the hospital wing? We'd formed a truce and I told you about my friend Blaise cutting himself…"
Harry nodded, wondering where Malfoy was going with this.
"He didn't want me to tell anyone about it, but one day he had cut himself up pretty badly. I had no choice… I told Snape and he helped Blaise. He made sure Blaise received the help he needed to not cut anymore, now Blaise is doing better. The last time I spoke to him, he told me that if it weren't for me and Snape, he was sure he would've been dead by now. Cutting really is no joke, it's serious and dangerous and Snape knows what he's doing. You can trust him, Potter, to help you with that at least."
"I don't know if I can."
"Just try, Potter!" Malfoy insisted. "I don't want you to end up almost killing yourself again. I've never seen Severus so upset as when you were unconscious in the hospital wing."
"No, he wasn't," Harry protested with disbelief. "He was probably just disappointed that I didn't die. Remember, he was only doing all of this because it's his job!"
"Well, that doesn't mean that he can't care as well! Potter, I'm swearing to you that I think he might have cried when no one was watching," Draco said with a bit of amusement.
Harry smiled at that. "You're not helping your case. I'm never going to believe that!"
Then Harry finally looked up at Malfoy and instantly caught his eye, and he was shocked to see that for once Malfoy's eyes weren't full of malice or hatred or jealousy or from amusement at Harry's expense… Those weren't the eyes of Harry's arch-enemy, but of a friend… Full of concern and patience and with a bit of warmth and amusement for trying to cheer Harry up.
Malfoy got out of the desk chair and sat next to Harry again on the floor, gently picking up Harry's arm and taking off the bandage to reveal the angry red wounds that were quickly turning into fresh scars. If it were anyone else who'd done that, Harry would have been so angry, he would've pushed them away, closed himself off from people he couldn't trust. But for some reason, he didn't feel any of that with Malfoy and he didn't know why. It was just something about his touch and it was softer than he'd ever thought it would be.
"I know why you cut yourself," Malfoy said softly, his cheeks growing pink.
Harry only kept his eyes on him, wondering what his theory may be.
"It's the only way to escape what you're feeling, the only way to control the pain you're feeling inside. I admit, Potter, and no one knows this, I've often thought about it… One time I was very close but I couldn't go through with it. I've never managed to cross that line."
Harry scoffed at that, "Draco Malfoy wanting to cut himself? You're the richest kid in Hogwarts."
"And destined to walk alongside the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters, expected to follow in my father's footsteps even if it's not what I want."
"You don't?" Harry asked with surprise. "But that's all you gloat about."
Malfoy shook his head. "At first, it's what I've thought I wanted, well more like what I was brainwashed into believing what I wanted, but then I began to realize it wasn't… Being a Death Eater is not what I want my life to be. I want to do something normal but exciting, like a healer or maybe a famous quidditch player… And that is what made me get so close to cutting, because the thought of disappointing my parents like that… Now it's all really just for appearances. I can't have Slytherins thinking I've gone soft, I'll be eaten alive for sure. That's why I'm so mean to everyone at school, it's just to protect the real me."
"Who cares what they think! Malfoy, if you really don't want to be on Voldemort's side, if you don't want to be a Death Eater, then don't do it! It doesn't matter what your parents would think or the other Slytherins or even Voldemort! It's your life!"
Malfoy shook his head. "It's not as easy as it sounds, Potter. It would mean me betraying him, my family, everyone and I could end up dead, even my parents. No one escapes that life. You're either a Death Eater or you're dead."
"It doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Dumbledore and the Order can protect you. You can hang out with me and my friends at school, we'll keep you safe from the Slytherins. You can even have my room while I'm at Gryffindor tower, if it keeps you safe."
"You'll really give up your room to me?" Malfoy asked softly.
"Yeah… We're friends, aren't we?" Harry asked hesitantly.
Malfoy looked back down at Harry's exposed arm and wrapped the bandages back up, hiding the wounds. "I think we are."
Harry smiled, "Does that mean you'll think about what I've said?"
Malfoy regretfully shook his head. "How do you expect me to go to Dumbledore for help when you can't even fully trust him yourself or Severus for that matter?"
Malfoy had a point, and so Harry didn't even bother arguing further on the subject.
"So…" Harry said casually, nudging him gently in the shoulder. "This is the real Draco Malfoy, huh? Who knew he was an okay bloke all along?"
Malfoy smiled at Harry and it reached his eyes. He'd never looked at Harry that way before, it was so weird, yet Harry liked it. It was way better than the coldness and malice he'd gotten used to over the years.
And then Harry realized that sometime during their conversation, his body stopped shaking, he stopped closing up and he could breathe normally again. Talking to Malfoy had somehow stopped Harry from feeling so triggered and upset. He wondered if Malfoy knew what he had just done for him.
"Thanks for stopping me from kicking down the door… Snape would've chopped me up for potion ingredients if I had managed it."
Malfoy bursted into laughter at that. "Imagine, Potter! He would've ground you for weeks, then I could just take your Firebolt!" He reached up and grabbed a pillow from the bed and whacked Harry in the face with it.
"Ow! Hey! Don't you dare touch my Firebolt! It's not for slimy Slytherins!" Harry retorted back after he'd recovered from the surprise hit.
It was clear that Malfoy didn't want to talk anymore, so Harry decided to play along with him. He climbed up on the bed, grabbing his other pillow and hitting Malfoy with it, causing a full-on war.
They ended up knocking over Harry's lantern. The crashing sound finally brought Snape coming in, snapping at them to stop and making them clean Harry's room. Once he'd left, they both made eye-contact as they were cleaning up and both busted out laughing again….
.
.
That memory meant so much to Harry, he hadn't realized until that moment that it was one of the first conversations they'd shared together that was real. It was the moment that had brought their truce to a friendship… There was no way that was all a lie, there was no way Draco was pretending to be that sincere and concerned for him… There was no way.
Harry remembered when Severus first told him that Voldemort had a task for Draco. Is that really why Draco was branded the mark, to ensure that he goes through with it? Draco had slapped his hand to his forearm. Harry saw it with his own eyes. It was there, it had to be! Was that why Draco was so stubborn in allowing Harry to get close? Now that he had the dark mark, did Draco lose all hope, accepting his unwanted fate?
Harry wondered if Severus knew about Draco possibly being branded and was just lying to Harry. It would explain why he wouldn't listen to Harry or even wanted to talk about it. He hated that Severus was lying to him, telling him not to worry about anything…but how could he believe that? When Draco was looking beyond stressed.
Severus was hiding something. Harry had known it for a while. There were moments during the summer when Harry would catch him lost in his thoughts, worry and fear clouding his gaze. And when Harry would ask him about it, Severus would reply with distant and vague answers or would intentionally change the subject.
Harry just wanted Severus to tell him the truth. He was tired of being left in the dark about anything that had to do with the war. Harry was the chosen one. In the end, it was going to be him fighting Voldemort. His life was the one on the line and Harry felt like he had no control at all because of it. Just Dumbledore's puppet… Harry wanted Severus to protect him from that, to protect Draco from ruining his own life… But it was clear Severus was on Dumbledore's side… This was why Harry couldn't trust adults… Harry never had control for his own life around them… Harry needed control. He needed to cut to gain that control… Just a bit….
And Harry continued scratching his arm hard… At least he was able to control the pain he felt inside, turning it into a physical feeling….
Voices suddenly filled the corridor…
"We've been walking all over the castle all night, how's your leg doing?"
"It's great, good as new! I haven't found myself needing the blasted cane for a few days now."
"Are you sure, Remus, you look like you're trying not to limp."
"I'm fine, Tonks! Hey, do you want to go out with me and Vector to the Three Broomsticks for drinks? It's been a long time since I've had a good drink from Madam Rosmerta."
"That sounds fun, count me in! ... Vector? Remus? Is that the Arithmancy Professor?"
"It's not like that…"
"Harry?!" One of the voices rang loudly in the corridor, interrupting him from his thoughts, pulling him from his trance. He looked up to see Remus with Tonks just behind him, their wands out and lighting up the corridor.
"What are you doing here so late? Are you alright?" Remus asked with concern etched along his face.
No… I'm not… Harry wanted to say, but he suddenly couldn't speak. He was looking down at his scratched-up, bleeding arm in shock. When did he do this?! And guilt washed over him and he couldn't look at Remus.
"Harry?" Tonks called out to him.
Harry flinched at the sound of her voice, and he just kept staring at his arm, the world felt like it was suddenly slowing down. Now Tonks knew he was a freak. He didn't want her or anyone to see him a mess like this.
"Remus, what's wrong with him?"
Remus was now kneeling down in front of Harry, his hazel eyes traveling from his face down towards his scratched-up arm that Harry was covering with his hand, the blood underneath making his fingers feel tacky. Remus kept his eyes there for several moments, as if he were processing what he was seeing.
"Tonks, can you go and give our report to Dumbledore without me?"
"Are you sure? You don't need help?"
"Yeah, go on ahead. Dumbledore's expecting us now. And please, don't mention this to him."
Harry felt himself coming out of his shock. He was grateful for Remus saying that to Tonks… The last thing he needed was Dumbledore knowing too and thinking Harry couldn't handle the secret lessons. It wasn't even about that at all. And Harry was so embarrassed for being found like this, he began to close himself up from Remus, mentally hiding behind his brick wall. Safe and sound where adults couldn't pry.
And once Tonks' footsteps were no longer echoing in the corridor, did Remus finally speak again.
"Cub, let's go to my quarters," Remus coaxed softly. His eyes were back on Harry's face. "We can make some hot chocolate or tea if you like."
Harry didn't speak to him, his eyes still focused down on this scratched-up and bleeding arm. He knew what Remus was doing. He was trying to find out why Harry was hurting himself, and he just wanted to shout at him to leave him alone! Harry wanted to push Remus away because it wasn't his business. It was no one's business! And he wished Severus and Remus and even Draco never knew about his bad habit of self-harm, that way he could be left alone in peace to cut…it was the only thing that helped.
But the warmth of hot chocolate in Remus' quarters sounded really great right now, like the time they used to practice the Patronus Charm in his third year and talk about Harry's parents after. Harry really did enjoy that time spent with Remus and he couldn't help but wish for it back, when a simple Patronus Charm could solve all of his problems.
"Come on, Harry," Remus said again with a soft and patient voice.
Harry slowly raised his eyes to meet Remus who looked so worried for him, causing Harry to feel bad for what he was thinking, for wanting to be left alone in peace to cut. Why was he like this? So weak, giving into his bad habit… Aunt Petunia was right about him being strange… No wonder the Dursleys hated him.
"Harry, come on, before anyone else passes by. I know you wouldn't feel comfortable with that."
And that brought Harry back to his senses. Rumors spreaded around Hogwarts like wildfire. The last thing he needed was the whole school knowing he was a freak that cuts himself. Harry nodded, slowly standing back up, his back protesting his every move from being slammed against the wall.
Remus led him back to his quarters, Harry didn't say a word the entire time. He just followed the werewolf, feeling so lowly of himself, feeling so hurt with what Draco had told him, feeling sick of Severus and Dumbledore and their secrets. Harry was just sick and tired of it all. He began to rub at his arms again, pressing his nails hard against his skin, the burning pain from his wounds soothed his anxieties a bit and he felt so bad for giving into it, especially after he'd promised Severus that he was going to try and stop, but how could he ever think of not hurting himself anymore when it was the only thing that helped, that grounded him, that he could control?
Harry dug his nails deeper into his skin, he couldn't stop, even with Remus walking right in front of him. Blood welled up from his deep scratches again, trailing down along his arms.
Then suddenly Remus stopped, as if he'd caught the scent of blood. He whipped around and hands were suddenly pulling Harry's nails away from his skin. "Harry!"
Harry flinched violently away. "Don't touch me!" His body was shaking hard. He couldn't stand being touched right now. He couldn't help but remember the pain from Uncle Vernon's punishments… The pain of Aunt Petunia always smacking him in the head or the face whenever he annoyed her… The pain of Dudley and his gang bullying Harry when no one was looking.
But Remus held onto Harry's hands tightly. He was stronger than Severus due to his werewolf strength and Harry couldn't pull himself away from him.
"Harry, stop! I'm not letting you go. Try pushing me away all you want, but I'm not letting you hurt yourself in the middle of the corridor!"
"Let go of me!" Harry cried, not listening to a word Remus had said to him, twisting himself away from Remus, trying his hardest to escape the werewolf's grasp.
He began to feel his chest starting to tighten, his breaths coming out heavy and short. A panic attack was coming and Harry just wanted Severus…he wanted his dad…but they were still fighting. Harry couldn't trust Severus and it broke him deep inside over and over again every time he thought about it, everytime he wanted to go to Severus but felt like he couldn't, making Harry feel so angry in that moment, that before he could stop himself, he started hitting Remus in the chest, trying to push him away...clawing at his hands and arms, his nails digging into Remus' skin to get him to let go.
"Let go of me!" Harry shouted again, his voice echoing in the empty dark corridor.
Remus didn't say anything more, just held him until Harry grew tired of fighting. He held him until Harry broke down into gut-wrenching sobs and buried his face into Remus' robes, feeling Remus' fast heartbeat thumping in his chest. The rhythm began to calm Harry down until there were no more tears and he was able to take a deep breath.
"It's alright, cub, it's okay… I'm here… I'm here… I'm sorry for grabbing you like that… I'm sorry. It's okay you are safe," Remus kept whispering to him repeatedly. Harry only clung onto Remus, his heartbeat making him feel safe.
"Come on, my quarters are just down the hall…"
Once they were inside Remus' quarters, Remus had Harry sit down on the sofa in the living room. Harry was silent and he kept his eyes away from the werewolf, feeling more ashamed and a freak more than ever before.
Remus disappeared to the kitchen, then came back out with a steaming mug of hot chocolate topped with marshmallows. Harry took the cup in his hands, breathing in the chocolatey aroma before setting it down gently on the coffee table.
"Let me see your arm," Remus said as he sat on the coffee table, careful of the mug, facing Harry.
Harry shook his head and pulled his bleeding arm close to his chest, not wanting Remus to heal it and erase away the only thing that was making him feel better.
"Harry," Remus said his name with a stern voice. "I could call Severus, would you want me to?"
Harry sighed with annoyance and defeat and thrusted out his arm to him.
Remus summoned a first-aid kit, almost like the one Severus kept in his quarters. He took Harry's arm in one hand and began to clean up the blood and disinfect the wounds. He then pointed the tip of his wand to each deep scratch and muttered a healing spell. With disappointment, Harry watched the deep scratches close up until there was nothing left.
"What happened, cub?" Remus asked, his eyes and his voice filled with concern as he finally let go of Harry who drew his arm quickly back, holding it protectively to his chest. "Come on, look at me… It's just you and me here."
Harry stubbornly kept his eyes away.
"If you need some time to come out behind that wall of yours, then that's fine. We can sit here all night if you need to…" Remus leaned his elbows onto his knees, leaning forward, making himself a bit more comfortable.
After a long moment, Harry finally snuck a quick glance at Remus then looked back down at his lap. Remus didn't look good. Harry noticed the bags under his eyes, the paleness of his skin and how thin his frame was underneath his worn-out robes. Remus looked tired, as if he hadn't been eating or sleeping lately.
Harry wondered if this was because of what he went through during the summer, and he realized that Remus had his own stuff that he was going through right now, and probably had better things to do than sit here all night with him. Harry instantly felt bad for hitting him, for acting crazy and disrespectful towards Remus who was only trying to help him.
And with that thought, Harry finally found the courage to pull himself out of his wall and whisper with a shaking voice, "I'm sorry, Remus… I'm sorry for acting bloody insane and hitting you and for being so messed up, for being a freak… I'm sorry…"
Harry could feel Remus looking at his face, trying to catch his eye.
"No, don't apologize for any of that. You're not a freak, you're not mad, you're okay…"
Harry closed up again, still looking down, his cheeks red from embarrassment, still clutching his arm tightly to his chest…his body was still trembling…and he wished for it to stop.
"Look at me, cub… Can you please look at me."
Harry slowly lifted his gaze, his eyes finally meeting Remus'. Harry had expected to see disappointment, but no, there was only love and concern. It was always weird to see someone showing those emotions towards him, he could never get used to it. It was a look that Harry had never known as a child, growing up with the Dursleys. And it just made him feel more terrible and ashamed for acting out, for hurting Remus when he was only trying to help.
"Harry, you are not a freak, you are not mad, you aren't some messed-up, good for nothing teenager. You are a wonderful person who is brave and good and talented in quidditch and in Defense. You have a good heart, Harry, who would do anything for your friends and the people you love… You are good, Harry. Don't ever think so lowly of yourself, you're more than what you think of yourself. I just wish you could see that."
Harry only shook his head. He doesn't understand! And he suddenly had to tell Remus why he was feeling so wretched.
"Severus is bloody pissed at me! I was so rude to him in class," Harry finally bursted out. "He's keeping secrets from me and he keeps telling me to not worry about Draco, but how can I not? Draco needs help, and Severus and Dumbledore won't tell me what is going on. I'm just always left in the dark and I don't even know if I can trust Severus anymore and that just fucking hurts, Remus!"
"You know Severus is doing the best he can. It's not up to him to reveal information without Dumbledore's approval. We're in the middle of war, don't forget that… I know it's hard, but you have to try and trust him."
"Do you trust him?" Harry couldn't help but ask, the fear and the doubt that Draco had said to him about Severus had planted itself into his mind, and he hated that Draco was the one who had buried it there. "He said he is a spy for our side, but what if he isn't? What if he's deceiving us all?"
"I do trust him," Remus said. "And if you can't trust Severus, then trust me."
Harry suddenly sniffed, feeling his eyes sting a bit, but he didn't let himself cry.
"Everything is going to be okay. Right now, everything seems uncertain. You're just lost right now, cub…unsure of who to trust, but don't you worry…everything will soon come clear to you in the end. This war can't last, and I know we'll win, we just have to have faith."
Harry didn't say anything, just thought about what Remus had said.
"Harry?"
Harry looked at Remus whose calm voice and sincere manner was calming Harry down. He couldn't help but feel the sparks of trust for Remus began to bloom, even though every instinct inside him was telling him not to.
"Can you tell me what you were doing out in the corridor by yourself?"
Harry shook his head.
"Tell me, please," Remus sternly insisted.
"I was trying to talk to Draco," Harry sighed, leaving out that he was really returning from Dumbledore's office and had unintentionally run into the Slytherin.
"What happened?"
"Over the summer, we'd formed a truce and then we just became friends somehow. Then he had to go back to his mother. He promised we'll still be friends, no matter what…even if he had to act like his old self around me… Then I found Draco in the corridor and he was so different… We were alone, he could've dropped the act, but he didn't. I think he was really telling me to leave him alone, that our friendship was really over… I think Draco was doing it to push me away because he has the dark mark now."
"Why do you believe Draco Malfoy has the dark mark?" Remus asked.
"In Diagon Alley, he was mad at Madam Malkin for touching his arm. I also confronted him about it just now and he slapped his hand to that same arm! I know he has a task to complete for Voldemort and I think something happened to him after he left us… I think he was branded the mark. And I've been trying to figure it out…trying to see if he was just acting the part or he was being real on the train…he wouldn't talk to me… And before you came, we ended up arguing again and he knocked me into the wall."
"And that is the second time Malfoy hurts you," Remus observed.
Harry only shrugged.
"This has to stop. You have to stay away from him. Like I've said before, I know you can't completely trust Severus and Dumbledore on this, but you've gotta try. They know what they're doing."
Harry sighed with frustration. Why did he even bother? He kept getting the same unwanted answer from Remus… But after what happened tonight between him and Draco, maybe Remus was right… All Harry had done was push Draco further away.
"Aside from the dark mark, have you thought about any other reasons why Draco might be pushing you away?" Remus asked.
"I think it's made him give up. I think he wasn't expecting to be branded until after his task so he probably still had hope that it wouldn't happen, that he could find a way out of it. But receiving the mark now, I bet it trapped Draco into it. He told me that once you're branded there's never getting out of Voldemort's circle. I think Draco lost all hope and he's given up, accepting his future to be a Death Eater. That's why I'm fighting so hard to help him, to give him back hope that it's not over yet. I know him, Remus, this isn't what he wants."
"That may be a factor, I think you are on to something, Harry, and the best you can do is just tell that to Severus and let him handle the rest."
Harry scowled at that. "You're taking his side."
"No, I am not. I'm only giving you my best advice."
Remus leaned a bit forward and lifted Harry's chin up, forcing his gaze back on him. Harry flinched a bit, but Remus didn't acknowledge it.
"Listen to me, Harry, please… Draco might be pushing you away to protect you as well. From what you've told me, how close you two were, it sounds like he's giving it his all to push you away because he knows you won't back down without a fight. He must think that the only way to protect you is to revert back to his old treatment of you. Don't worry, the Draco you know is still there… But you must step back, give him space, you're not the only one watching him. That's why I keep telling you to trust us. Trust Dumbledore, trust Severus…and if you can't, then trust me."
Remus then drew his hand away, his hazel eyes observing Harry on how he was processing his advice.
"Remus… I can't just sit back and watch him go down that path without doing anything to help!"
"That's the most essential thing you can do for us. You can track his whereabouts, see who he's hanging out with. You have the map, Harry, use it. Watch him and if there's trouble, come to me right away and I will help you in any way I can."
Harry nodded, sort of liking the sound of that. It was way better than no help at all.
"Just remember, don't spend every waking moment watching him. I don't want you to forget to live, don't forget your lessons, and if there is anything strange going on, don't do anything without telling me first."
Harry hesitated on that, but eventually relented. "Okay," he agreed.
He finally released his arm from his chest, stretching a bit then leant forward to pick up his cooled hot chocolate. "This is delicious!" Harry praised with delight, the warmth and flavor instantly making him feel a hundred times better.
Remus smiled at that, watching Harry enjoy his drink.
"What were you and Tonks doing in the corridor anyway?"
"Guard duty. Dumbledore's orders to have extra protection now. Tonight was mine and Tonks' night. We were heading to Dumbledore to give our report when we came across you."
"Oh, I would've thought maybe you and Severus would partner up… Aren't you two friends now? Or were? What's going on with you guys?"
Remus' smile instantly vanished. "We are still friends… We just had a disagreement of sorts…" he said quietly, not giving away anything else and Harry noticed a hint of a blush creeping up on Remus' cheeks.
"Well, you should make things right, he's been in a bloody temper lately. Maybe if you two are on speaking terms again then he'll lay off us during lessons."
Remus raised an eyebrow. "I'll talk to him if you also do the same."
Harry groaned, "Do I have to?"
Remus only continued staring at him with a pointed look.
"Okay, fine…" Harry groaned again.
"Now that's settled, it's getting late. I'll walk you to your dormitory." The werewolf suddenly stood up and made his way to the door.
Harry finished his hot chocolate and followed Remus out of his office. He felt better now, the talk they had and the warm chocolate really lifted his mood and brought him back to his senses. He couldn't believe he scratched up his arm again, he didn't want to think about what would've happened if Remus hadn't shown up.
Not much was said as they walked through the corridors of the castle. Harry didn't mind it, it gave him a chance to go over what Remus told him.
Slightly limping, Remus seemed to be lost in thought as well. The werewolf turned his gaze on Harry. "You know, I'm obligated to tell Severus what happened tonight, as he's your guardian."
"I understand," Harry muttered, his stomach clenching with dread as he thought about the lecture he was sure to get. "He's going to be mad."
"He's always grumpy about something, aren't you used to his temper by now?" Remus chuckled, causing Harry to laugh softly as well, making him feel a little better.
Once they'd reached the portrait of the fat lady, Remus put a hand on Harry's shoulder and turned him around.
Harry stiffened at the touch, but forced himself to relax. It was only Remus.
"Can I trust you not to hurt yourself again tonight?"
Harry met his concerned hazel gaze, feeling so bad for the way he had acted, yet grateful Remus was there to help him, and for that, Harry knew he'll be okay tonight.
"Yeah, I'm fine now."
"Good, can I give you a hug?"
Harry nodded.
Remus pulled him into a bear hug. "I love you, cub. Remember, if you feel like you must hurt yourself again, come to me. I don't care if I'm busy or in the middle of a lesson or a meeting with Dumbledore, just come to me. I will drop everything for you."
Harry didn't respond, he only hugged the werewolf tighter, breathing in the scent of hot chocolate on his robes, instantly bringing Harry comfort. And trust washed over him, surprising him… Whatever misgivings Harry previously had against Remus disappeared. He suddenly realized how much Remus meant to him, how much he would feel if he would ever lose him. Maybe…as much as a parent would mean to him…maybe just like what Harry felt with Severus… And that meant so much to Harry, and he knew that the next time he would find himself hurting himself that dramatically again, that he would definitely go to Remus for help.
"Goodnight, Remus, thank you for everything," he said softly, stepping away.
"Goodnight, cub."
Harry stepped through the portrait door with the sounds of Remus' footsteps fading away.