Chapter Five - Memories
As soon as the portrait door of the fat lady shut behind Harry, Remus turned and left towards the direction of the dungeons. His leg was starting to ache from over use during the day, especially after his tussle with Harry in the corridor. Maybe he should've brought his cane, but it was too late now. He was already determined to get to the only person that could help his cub.
Just as Remus reached the dungeons, the air instantly turned icy-cold and the lighting from the sconces on the walls were way dimmer from the upper floors of the castle.
Remus wondered if Tonks was able to successfully give their report to Dumbledore. There wasn't much to give. Everything had been quiet tonight, except for when they found Harry on the seventh floor corridor, alone and shaking and scratching himself. He couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if they hadn't found Harry... It was very lucky that it was their night to guard the castle, if it had been anyone else… Remus pushed those thoughts away.
He finally reached the portrait door to Severus' quarters. This late at night, he was sure Severus was already in bed and he wondered if Severus would welcome Remus' sudden intrusion. Remus suddenly felt himself consumed by nerves, causing his hands to shake and he stuffed them into the pockets of his threadbare earthy-brown robes. He felt himself blushing, his cheeks burning as he remembered the last time he was here. The way he'd pushed Severus away and how he'd been avoiding him ever since. Severus didn't even try to seek him out either, just sent him a couple of glares across the staff table everytime he would find Remus sitting next to Professor Vector during meal times.
Remus really did not blame Severus if he started hating him again, after all he knew Severus had just been trying to help him that night, trying to encourage him to talk about the depression Remus was currently going through. And Remus had behaved like a fool, pushing Severus away mentally and physically in his own quarters. They were supposed to be friends, that was what they both agreed on and friends talked about personal stuff like that. Severus was just trying to be his friend and Remus couldn't open up to him. Severus really did have a right to be angry at him. If the roles were switched, Remus knew his feelings would be hurt as well.
Remus took a deep breath and knocked to alert his presence, then said the password. He had to suck up his embarrassment and pride and end this stupid argument for Harry's sake.
The portrait door opened and Remus entered Severus' quarters, thoroughly feeling like he was going to be sick, thoroughly fighting himself from just turning around and leaving before Severus saw him.
All of the lanterns were dimmed and the fireplace was roaring, giving warmth to the chilly dungeons. The sitting room was empty and so was the kitchen. Remus felt his stomach clench tighter with nerves, wondering again if he should be doing this. If Severus casted him away, he would just die inside with humiliation. He wondered where Severus even was, then he noticed his bedroom door slightly ajar. Maybe he should come back another time… He didn't want to disturb Severus if he were sleeping. The Potions Master was known for a quick and fierce temper with little to no patience…and it was so late. Remus crept towards the door, placing his hand on the door handle, still very unsure of what he should do until he saw the red handprints and scratches Harry had left on him from their skirmish, instantly reminding Remus why he was here.
Remus knocked, calling Severus' name but there was no answer and so he opened the door and to his surprise, the bedroom was empty. Remus looked around the room, at the carefully made bed, the shelves aligned with potions, books and jars. The desk was piled with parchment and more books. The door to the connecting bathroom was open and the room inside was dark. Near the window there was another slightly opened door, curious at what it may lead to, Remus crossed the room in a few strides and pushed it open.
The room was dark except for a bright-green glow and the air was thick and heavy with smoke. Within the shadows of the room, Remus could see the silhouette of the man he was trying to find… Severus Snape, who was carefully throwing ingredients inside a steaming cauldron, the flames underneath were tinted green. Thick smoke was swirling around Severus as he softly chanted a spell. Remus, unnoticed by him, decided not to say anything and just watch him for a while. Potions was always Remus' most difficult class when he had attended Hogwarts as a student, and he was full of wonder as he watched Severus brew so easily as if this art was a part of his soul. It was something he was meant to do, like teaching was Remus' own path.
It wasn't long until Severus stopped chanting. He then waved his wand in a complicated-looking manner then stirred the potion one last time before lowering the flames, leaving the potion to a simmer. He then finally and slowly turned his gaze to Remus who was still standing by the door. Severus didn't seem startled by Remus' sudden appearance or annoyed, his obsidian eyes were only soft with concern as he looked at him.
"Would you care for a cup of tea?" Severus said in a soft and friendly voice.
It was far different from what Remus was expecting before he had found him. There was no trace of anger or annoyance, only warmth and concern for a friend, and that made Remus feel even more guilty for pushing Severus away that night.
"I would love one," Remus said softly, suddenly very shy to meet Severus' dark gaze.
Severus was suddenly very close to him, causing Remus' heart rate to speed up. He could suddenly smell the herbs that were just used in the potion he'd finished brewing. Remus swallowed, still looking down, loss for words, his hands shaking… They had agreed to be friends… Remus had to remind himself of that because suddenly he wanted to meet Severus' eyes and kiss those soft-looking lips. His cheeks blushed again when he remembered what it felt like to be kissed by them… We're only friends…nothing more… Remus pushed all of those thoughts on kissing out of his mind before he ended up doing anything stupid.
Without warning, Severus' hand closed over his own, causing Remus to stiffen with surprise. He finally found the courage to look up and instantly met Severus' eyes. No words were exchanged as they stared at each other for a couple of seconds, trapped in each other's gazes.
"We have a lot to talk about," Severus finally said.
And with those words, Remus was instantly reminded of what had happened with Harry just moments ago. He snapped out of his daze and replied, "Yes, I believe we do."
.
.
They found themselves in the kitchen, sitting at the table. The kettle was on the stove heating up the water for their tea.
"Severus, before we start talking about other things, I need to tell you about what just happened with Harry, it's why I'm here so late, I hope you forgive me for this sudden intrusion," Remus said.
Severus' eyes widened at the sudden mention of his adopted son. "What happened?"
Remus explained to Severus how he and Tonks were finishing up their rounds and heading to Dumbledore's office to give their report when they found Harry hiding in the corridor, clearly upset and scratching at his arm. How Remus asked Tonks to leave him with Harry and to not say a word about this to anyone, especially Dumbledore. How he and Harry were walking to his quarters and the skirmish they ended up having until Remus managed to calm Harry down, followed by the talk they shared.
Severus had listened to all of this with horror and as soon as Remus was done, he stood out of his chair, leaving the kitchen and grabbing the floo powder from the mantel.
"Severus?!" Remus said with alarm. "Where are you going?" Remus followed after him, his leg had stiffened up while he was sitting, forcing him to limp after Severus.
"Severus, stop!" Remus shouted.
Severus turned around and grabbed Remus' wrist, noticing for the first time his scratched-up skin from Harry trying to break loose from Remus' grasp.
"Did Harry do this to you?" he asked with alarm.
Remus pulled his arm away. "Yes but, Severus, it's fine!"
"Gryffindor tower!" Severus shouted, and before Remus could stop him Severus disappeared into the green flames.
Remus cursed under his breath, praying the Gryffindors were all asleep at this late hour as he followed after Severus.
Remus found him in front of the sixth year's dormitory door.
"Severus," Remus whispered. "This is a bad idea."
"I just have to see him," Severus whispered. He held up Remus' scratched-up arm again. "And this is unacceptable!"
Remus tugged his arm away, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "It was an accident. Harry didn't realize what he was doing. Severus, I told you I've talked to him, he's okay for the night."
Severus frowned, "I just need to see for myself that he's okay."
Remus sighed in defeat and nodded his chin towards the door. "Fine, go on then, open the door, but if those boys are awake you're on your own with explaining yourself."
Severus opened the door gently, luckily everyone was sound asleep. Remus leaned against the doorway watching as Severus sat down on Harry's bed. He watched the sleeping teenager for a few moments before brushing the hair out of Harry's closed eyes. They fluttered open, staring at Severus with sleepy green eyes.
"I'm sorry, dad," Harry whispered as Severus examined his scarred-up arm.
"Shh, it's okay kid, we'll talk about it in the morning. I just wanted to see if you were okay."
"I'm okay," Harry whispered, his eyes closing again.
Severus responded with only a small close-lipped smile filled with concern.
Remus quietly walked over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Harry was fast asleep again.
"Let's go before we wake anyone," Remus whispered.
Severus nodded before getting up and following Remus out of Gryffindor tower.
This time they walked back instead of using the floo. It was so quiet between them, but not in a tense or awkward way. Remus could see Severus was lost in his thoughts. Remus reached out and grabbed his hand to show his support. Severus quickly glanced at him, tightening his grip, then settled his gaze straight ahead again as they kept walking.
"We'll help Harry through this," Remus said. "He's not as alone as he thinks he is. He has us."
It was like a perfect fit. Severus' hand felt cool and soft intertwined with Remus' fingers. He tried to focus on their conversation and not on how good it felt to be holding Severus' hand.
"You're the only one I trust with Harry," Severus answered. "I want you to take care of him if anything happens to me, take him, don't let the Ministry take control of Harry."
Remus looked at Severus with concern and confusion at his strange plea. "You're so sure something is going to happen to you…"
Severus turned his focus back on Remus and snapped with impatience, "I'm not sure of anything these days, I just want to be prepared!"
After that, Severus kept his eyes straight ahead again, away from Remus' searching gaze. He wouldn't reveal anymore and it seemed as if he just wanted the subject to drop. Severus' words were final, if anything should happen to him, Remus was next in line to take care of Harry.
Remus frowned, turning his gaze away from Severus, wondering if Harry was right to mistrust him. Was he hiding something about the war he couldn't reveal? Whatever it was, Remus hoped it was in the best interest to protect Harry and nothing more. And he decided to not press on any further for answers he knew he wasn't going to receive, so Remus continued walking besides Severus in silence, focusing on hiding his limp and trying not to think how holding hands wasn't what friends do.
They made it back to his quarters without any mishaps. The walk through the castle had calmed Severus down. The anger mixed with concern and fear for Harry losing control on his self-harm tonight and hurting Remus had faded away. Severus knew Harry couldn't help it, he knew Harry hadn't meant to hurt Remus. Severus knew his kid has been under a lot of stress lately, he could see it. The boy was tired, and the fact that he had his first secret lesson with Albus, that Severus and Harry hadn't been speaking to each other lately, had probably set his anxiety over the edge. It was time to change things between them, because Severus knew this situation tonight could've been much worse. They were lucky Remus was walking the castle corridors tonight and had found Harry.
Once the door shut behind them, Severus regretfully tore his hand away from Remus' and went straight to the kitchen and removed the whistling kettle from the burner, shutting off the flames. He then walked back to Remus who was still standing in front of the portrait door. He gently held Remus' arm again, examining the bruised fingerprints and scratches.
Trying not to think how Remus grabbed his hand during their walk back to his quarters, slender and cold fingers intertwining with his, making his breath hitch a bit and how he could barely even focus on the brief conversation they had. Friends don't hold hands. Severus was sure of it but when Remus did it, it helped his worries for Harry fade a bit. And Severus knew that was all Remus was trying to do, to show his support and it worked, but it was at the expense of Severus' heart speeding up and wanting to just melt into a puddle.
"I apologize for Harry's actions towards you tonight," Severus managed to say, shoving all thoughts away on what it was like to hold Remus' hand. He examined Remus' other scratched-up and bruised arm as well.
Remus was frowning at his slight injuries. "There's no need, Harry was hurting. I'm just glad I was able to be there for him tonight."
"That's no excuse to be hurting others. I'm going to talk to him about this. Stay here, wolf," Severus muttered as he went into Harry's bathroom to retrieve the first-aid kit.
Severus returned to find an empty living room.
"Where the hell is that blasted werewolf? I was only gone for a moment…" Severus muttered under his breath.
He checked the kitchen. No sign of Remus anywhere. He then checked his bedroom and found the wolf in front of his bookcase reading the titles of his books. Severus stepped inside, annoyed that Remus had just intruded into his private rooms without permission. Severus bit back a stinging comment, he didn't want to start another fight between them.
He stood in the doorway, not wanting to alert Remus of his presence yet. Severus wanted to try and see his room through Remus' eyes. He wondered what Remus was seeing, what he was thinking? It was strange how Severus used to hate this man standing before him and now here they were, in Severus' bedroom. And Remus was here, looking at his things, reading the titles of the books on his bookcases.
Severus cleared his throat. "Most of those books were my mother's. They are a bit outdated I'm afraid."
Remus glanced at him with a close-lipped smile but he didn't say anything, he just continued to examine the books. Then looked at Severus' desk, the shelves with potions and jars and various items. He then headed towards Severus' bed, and Severus noticed him favoring his bad leg. Severus frowned at that but didn't say a word about it. Just watched Remus as he sat on the bed, looking around the room. Remus didn't speak, just kept looking at Severus with those eyes that made his legs go numb and his stomach to twinge a bit. Remus then turned his attention to Severus' books on the nightstand.
"May I?"
Severus nodded and watched as Remus lifted a book, carefully flipping through the pages.
"I forgot how much of a book nerd you were when we were at school," Severus said, wondering why he was feeling so nervous with Remus sitting on his bed, looking at his things, touching his books. No one has ever been in here before, not even Harry. It was as if Remus was searching for clues to who Severus really was. He wondered what Remus would find, and if he would like it.
"I used to hide behind them…" Remus said softly. He closed the book and gently placed it back on the nightstand. Severus watched as he picked up another one, reading the pages that were marked.
"I barely remember the boy I was before getting bit. It is like my life was split in two that very moment Greyback's fangs sunk into my flesh. The boy I was before and the boy I became after."
Severus didn't say anything, he let Remus continue.
"And the thing that attached itself to my soul, it was the only thing my father saw in me." Remus looked at the first-aid kit in Severus' hands.
"I don't need you to treat the scratches Harry gave me, they'll heal on their own soon enough. That should be enough proof that I'm not like you or Harry. You shouldn't leave him in my care. I'm a werewolf, that's all they see, and that will be enough for them to keep him away from me."
"You're not just a werewolf," Severus said.
Remus shook his head. "That's all I am, Severus, that's all they see," he said. "You've seen me in my wolf form more than once. The first time, I've almost killed you. The second time, you saw me lose control and fight like the monster I am. You stopped me from killing Greyback. I hate to think what might've happened if you weren't there. You've seen the destruction I can do. Why are you not afraid of me? How can you trust me with your son?"
"Because he is like a son to you too. You're the only one that sees Harry for who he is, not just some pawn in this war, not just a famous name. You see Harry and you care for him as if he were your own. He is part of your pack. The wolf will never hurt him."
"How could you be so sure of that?" The words came out in a soft whisper.
Remus stared down at the book, his eyes suddenly clouding a bit with self-hatred and doubt. Severus closed the short distance between them until he was standing in front of him and tugged the book out of his hands, placing it back on the nightstand.
"He should've gone to you after they died. He should've gone to you," Severus said softly.
"And what if he did? A werewolf raising an infant?" Remus shook his head with disgust.
Severus placed the first-aid kit on the night stand and opened a salve, taking Remus' scratched but already healing arms into his hands and rubbed the salve into them.
"Just to keep it clean," he said at Remus' exasperated look.
When Severus was done, he put the salve away, wiping his hands clean with a hand towel.
"Come, we have tea waiting for us."
"Severus...it's getting late. Maybe I should head back to my quarters."
"I'm not taking no for an answer," Severus snapped and left the room, hoping the wolf would follow him.
.
.
They found themselves in the living room this time, sipping at the steaming herbal tea. The warm flames dancing in the fireplace was the only sound in the room until Remus finally broke their sudden awkward silence by speaking first.
"Forgive me, Severus, the way I walked out of here last time, there is no excuse. I knew you were only trying to help, and I was so rude…" Remus said, looking down at his tea and taking a tentative sip.
"I accept your apology," Severus replied. "And I'm also apologizing for pushing you when you clearly told me you didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to help you… You're walking around looking completely exhausted, you haven't been sleeping… You're tired, Remus, don't deny it and everytime I or anyone else speaks to you, it mostly seems as if your mind is somewhere else these days… I know it's from what happened over the summer. You've told me pieces of it, moments, but it isn't enough… You can't bottle it all inside and forget about it… Talk to me about it, maybe it can help you… We're friends, are we not?"
Remus looked at Severus as he spoke, and it seemed as if his hazel eyes were searching for something in Severus that he couldn't begin to guess at. It made him grow a bit bashful, his hands starting to sweat a bit from being under the scrutiny of those enchanting eyes.
Remus didn't know, but Severus had seen some of his memories. He had seen images of what Greyback had done, what he'd made Remus do. Remus didn't remember how Severus had to pull him out of his memories, and he didn't want to reveal it now. Severus wanted Remus to find the courage to talk to him himself.
And so Severus waited, but it seemed as if Remus wasn't able to speak anymore without more encouragement. He glanced at Remus who now had his eyes focused on the dancing flames. Severus wondered what he was thinking about…and so he continued…hoping to find out… "You've asked me why I wasn't afraid of you. I used to be. That's why I hated you so much after that night I found out the truth about you. I was afraid because I didn't understand you. People are afraid of what they don't understand. They only believe what they want to believe and that is werewolves being monsters. Just because you're a wolf during every full-moon, doesn't make you a monster."
"Severus, I had nothing to do with that prank, it was all Sirius."
Finally, Severus got Remus to start speaking.
"I know, Remus, I know you had nothing to do with it. I've grown a lot since that night and I've learned to accept the truth I refused to see for years. Any guilt you have towards that night, I want you to let it go. The only one guilty was Black. You were a victim just as much as I, do you understand?"
Remus nodded, sipping his tea.
"I want you to see that you were also a victim to Greyback this summer. What had happened to you wasn't your fault. Whatever he made you do, you had no control over it. He hurt you, he made you believe you were just like him, but you are not. You are not a monster."
Remus didn't respond to that, he just seemed so far away… Severus could see the raw pain on Remus' face, the depression he was quietly suffering with. And it hurt Severus to see Remus so broken like this. He wished he could just reach out to Remus and hold him close, but he couldn't… He was sure it would just make things awkward between them.
Severus did not say anymore, he waited patiently as he sipped his own tea, only to do something with his hands. He wanted Remus to be the one to say something next. He wanted him to talk without Severus prompting him towards a subject this time, because doing that didn't really work. He was only able to get one sentence out of Remus.
And just when Severus was about to call it quits and come up with another subject to discuss, Remus placed his mug on the table and he turned himself towards Severus who suddenly couldn't escape his eyes.
Remus nervously swallowed, then spoke with a shaky small voice, "I know I've told you a little about what I've gone through with Greyback, you know a bit of what they've done to me, how I tried to fight back but I wasn't strong enough. There were days when I thought it was the end. Just lying there in that cellar, hoping someone would find me, trying so hard to hold on to that hope. I used to repeat to myself that someone was coming, over and over until it became harder each day to say it…" Remus' voice was cracking with raw pain as he spoke. "Until I couldn't anymore, until I couldn't even believe it anymore. One day I woke up and I couldn't recognize myself… It felt like I was trapped in this world where nothing before that time mattered or even existed, the life I lived, the school I went to, the friends I had, even Harry didn't seem to exist… It was only that cellar, the pain, the smell and that desperate thirst for water…and Kaylie…"
And Remus stopped, suddenly leaning forward and covering his face in his hands. His body was shaking harder than ever. And Severus knew he couldn't go on anymore, it was hurting too much. He decided to reassure Remus, to keep the conversation going.
"The young girl that was brought here with you? Her death… It wasn't your fault…" but his words were lost on the werewolf who shook his head, refusing to believe Severus' reassurances.
"They made me do it," Remus' voice broke. "I had no choice. I wasn't strong enough to fight back… They made me do it… You must understand…"
Remus suddenly lifted his head, moving his hands away from his face. His hazel eyes were now flecked with gold. His face tinged with green as if he were about to be sick.
"It's hard to describe what I'm talking about... I need you to see, so you can understand..."
"Remus, I prefer you just telling me. I don't want to intrude on memories that are personal to you," Severus said with hesitation.
"No, Severus, I need you to see, so you understand that I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to hurt them. I need you to see!"
Remus' eyes were now blazing with amber, they were stubborn and swirling with an overwhelming amount of pain and desperation as they connected with Severus' own and he knew what Remus couldn't bring himself to say.
"You don't need to convince me that you are not a monster…" Severus said.
"Just let me show you," Remus pleaded. "You said you wanted to help me, this is it, Severus…"
Severus sighed in defeat. Blasted, stubborn werewolf, he thought.
"Okay, just look at me. Think of only what you want to show me. I'm going to use Legilimency on you. Is that okay?"
Remus nodded.
"Are you ready?"
Remus kept his eye contact with Severus, his voice filled with determination, "Yes."
Severus held out his wand and he whispered, "Legilimens."
And Severus was pulled into the memory of the day Remus had lost all hope, when he lost the assurance that he was more than a werewolf, that he was human. Severus watched as they drugged Remus and forced him to fight and kill werewolf children… Severus watched Remus fighting the young girl, Kaylie… Severus could feel the hurt, pain and guilt that Remus felt towards her death, and the memories suddenly switched to nightmares of a forest filled with fear and darkness and loss and desperation to find a source of light, of the ghost of Kaylie whispering to Remus, haunting his dreams… No wonder Remus couldn't sleep these days.
Once Severus had enough, he pulled himself out of Remus' memories. He stared at those amber-flecked eyes. The wolf was showing itself in Remus' eyes and this time Severus was not afraid of the wolf. The wolf wasn't a monster, just a part of Remus, and Severus wished so very much that Remus could see that. Severus hated what Greyback did to him, he hated what Remus had been forced to do and the way he sees himself now.
Suddenly, Remus' eyes began to well up and with a small pained cry, he quickly covered his face again with his hands, trying to hide the fact that he was crying. His shoulders shuddered with each silent sob and Severus didn't know what to do to comfort him, if he should touch him….
Severus decided to just say calmly, "Their deaths were not your fault, you had no control. They drugged you. And Kaylie's death was certainly not your fault. I was there when you were found. I was the one who brought you and Kaylie to Hogwarts. I was there when they tried to save her, they did everything they could, but it was too late."
"Have you ever wondered how she acquired those injuries?" Remus suddenly snapped, finally looking up again, shocking Severus. His eyes were bloodshot as he angrily wiped away the last of his fallen tears. It was so unlike Remus to snap like that, to lose patience.
"She died by my hand!" Remus insisted. "I was the one who hurt her! They threw her in that cellar and chained us during the night of the full-moon. We changed and I killed her! That is why I haven't been sleeping, because every time I close my eyes I see her. I see her pale eyes and her pale face and she whispers to me that I killed her, I broke my promise! I've let her down! I was supposed to get her out and I failed and now she haunts my dreams and I deserve it because Greyback turned me into a fucking murderer! That's what I am, a fucking murderer! I don't deserve this second chance! I didn't deserve to be saved! Kaylie did, she deserved everything and I took it all from her!"
The pain Remus was in was so raw, Severus could feel it seeping out in every word Remus shouted at him.
"Remus, it wasn't your fault," Severus said. He wanted to touch him, to hold his hand or pull him into a hug, just to comfort him. But Remus was shaking so hard and Severus was afraid of triggering him. "It wasn't your fault that she was in that cellar with you. You didn't choose to kill her, it was Greyback. He was the one that killed her, not you."
Remus had closed his eyes as he spoke, wiping away a few more silent tears.
"Then why do I feel so bad about this? Why is she haunting my dreams? Why can't I let her go?" Remus said with frustration.
"You have survivor's guilt," Severus said. "You survived and she didn't. You feel guilty for living instead of her."
"She deserves life more than me, I promised to get her out, I promised and I failed. It should've been me that died."
"No... Remus..." but Severus was cut off.
"You weren't there, Severus!" Remus had snapped open his eyes. "You weren't there in that cellar, you didn't live with that smell of rot and death and human waste. You didn't lie on that floor in so much pain, you didn't dare move! You didn't kill innocent children, you didn't promise that girl that you'll get her out!"
"Yes, I was not there, however, Remus, I'll tell you again it wasn't your fault. You promised to get her out but you couldn't, it was something out of your control, it's just the way it is. We can't change the past, only move forward. You need to learn to live with this."
"You don't understand," Remus said, his voice shaking with frustration and pain and anger.
"I do… Much more than you know..." Severus said sincerely.
At that, Remus stopped, looking at Severus to go on.
"I was the cause of the Potter's death," Severus choked out. He had never thought he'd admit this to anyone, least of all to Remus Lupin who Severus used to fear and hate.
"Severus?" Remus said with confusion.
"I heard the prophecy. The prophecy that led him straight to them. I told it to the Dark Lord, resulting in their deaths…" Severus had said that so low, so full of shame that at first he wasn't even sure Remus heard him, but he did…he did and now Severus was preparing himself for Remus to leave and never speak to him again, and Severus would let him because he would completely understand.
"Severus… You… You couldn't have known…" Remus gasped at the sudden news.
This time it was Severus avoiding those hazel eyes. He couldn't bear to see the hatred and anger for what he'd done.
Severus forced himself to continue, now he was the one shaking with shame… "Exactly, I didn't mean for the Dark Lord to go to the Potters that night and kill them. I didn't want that to happen, but it did, and now I must live with that mistake. No one knows except you and Albus…"
Remus only continued to look at him with shock, waiting for Severus to go on.
"Don't you think it's hard to look at Harry every day, knowing I was the cause of his parent's death? It's hard, Remus, but I can't change what I've done all those years ago, I must live with it. And when the time is right, after this war is over, I will tell Harry and if he hates me for it, then so be it. I see a day where I wouldn't have to hide so many secrets of my past from him. I see it, Remus… Just like a day where you will not feel so broken over Kaylie's death. She saved you, she gave her life for you and you should cherish that life not waste it with guilt."
Remus frowned at those words, then sighed with exhaustion. "You're right, you're right, Severus, but it's just so hard… That Kaylie in my dreams…she's…it's not who she used to be. She haunts me every night."
"It's not her, it never was, just your guilty conscience. Kaylie is in a better place, she is with her father, not here with this war hanging over her. Her death wasn't your fault, I wish that you could realize that. We did everything we could."
Severus stopped himself from saying it was Kaylie's time, because it wasn't. She was too young, she lost her life when she was bitten only to die at thirteen. It was tragic and Severus couldn't bear to say those words because those words were bullshit. It wasn't her time. She didn't deserve to die the way she did, but it happened, there was no changing it and he desperately wanted Remus to see that.
"I don't blame you for their deaths, Severus," Remus said gently. "You were young, lost… You loved her. I know you wouldn't have done anything to put Lily in danger."
So, Remus wasn't going to end their new friendship over this… Severus felt so touched at this that his eyes stung a bit but he blinked, chasing away any tears that might escape, although the pain he had over it and his relief of Remus staying, carried out in his voice as he said, "I know… I didn't mean for that to happen, but it did, and I can't change it. The only thing I can do now is look after her son and one of her best friends."
Remus smiled sadly at his words. "Lily was the only one I could study with at school and actually get things done, the only one that I could talk to about being gay and crushing on Sirius. She hardly mentioned you after you two stopped speaking but I know it changed her, she became quieter, withdrawn for a long time until she fell in love with James and had Harry, but I could always tell that something was missing in Lily and it was you, your friendship. She died still loving you, Severus."
Severus looked at the wolf, giving him a small pained smile at those words, unable to say anything more.
And the conversation began to cease as they finished their cooling tea. Severus watched Remus gazing at the flames crackling merrily in the fireplace again, lost in his thoughts. Watching him, Severus suddenly didn't want Remus to go. His quarters suddenly felt big and empty. He didn't want to be alone tonight. And he hoped Remus didn't want to be alone either, so he broke the silence.
"You can sleep in Harry's bedroom tonight if you don't want to be alone. I'll be in my room if you need anything… Besides, I've noticed you limping. Did you lose your cane again?"
Remus frowned, not reacting to Severus teasing him about his cane, concerning Severus greatly. Remus never turned away from good-humored teasing.
"Thank you, Severus, maybe it will help me sleep, knowing you're nearby…"
At least he took the invitation.
Severus couldn't sleep that night. The things that Remus said, seeing Kaylie in his dreams, believing he was responsible for that girls' death. This was no doubt a consequence to what the wolf went through during the summer. Severus climbed out of bed. He couldn't take the tossing and turning, the restlessness in his legs, staring at the walls, especially the one that separated him and Remus. Maybe some research would help him calm his mind….
.
.
To his great disappointment, Remus was already gone when Severus woke up that morning. He had hoped to see how Remus was faring after their talk last night. Things had grown pretty intense, Severus remembered the raw emotion and pain in Remus' voice as he spoke, the haunted look in his eyes and how they had turned golden. Severus knew what Remus was going through. Severus went through the same thing after Lily died, always blaming himself, seeing her in his dreams….
Remus would be okay… He just had a long treacherous path to walk, but he'll be okay, Severus thought as he fixed himself a cup of coffee. He was exhausted from staying up those late hours, but it was all worth it to help his friend.
He continued his research from last night, researching P.T.S.D symptoms and how to help the person going through it. Remus had some of the symptoms…lack of sleep, refusing to talk about his trauma, mood swings, nightmares and blaming himself for Kaylie's death. The way Remus would function normally but then had moments where the trauma he'd experienced showed through his walls…
After a few more hours of researching, Severus glanced at the clock, it was almost eight in the morning. He was usually at breakfast at this time, so he decided to end the research for now and start heading up to the Great Hall.
Once he was showered and dressed with another cup of black coffee in his hands, Severus went over to his desk in his bedroom, setting his mug on his pile of books. He dipped his quill into a pot of ink and began to write on some parchment:
Harry,
Come to my quarters after dinner. There are some matters we need to discuss.
- S. Snape
"Dobby!" Severus called Harry's favorite house-elf.
Instantly, Dobby appeared with a loud crack.
"Professor Snape, sir, what can Dobby do for you?" the elf squeaked, bowing down, his large nose sweeping the carpet.
Severus always felt uncomfortable whenever a house-elf or any creature or human bowed down to him like that.
"Deliver this message to Mister Potter, make sure he reads it."
"Of course, sir." Dobby took the message and bowed to him once more before disappearing with another loud crack.
"Professor?" Harry called out with annoyance.
What was the point of inviting him for dinner if Severus wasn't going to be here?
Harry checked the kitchen, the professor wasn't there. He figured Severus might be brewing in his lab and has forgotten the time… Harry noticed Severus' bedroom door open and pushed it open. The room was empty. Harry crossed the room to the door that was Severus' private potions lab. It was empty also. He then went into Severus' connecting office. He wasn't there….
Defeated, Harry was about to leave when he noticed something glowing in a nearby cabinet. Harry knew the all too familiar glow, remembering the last time he came across a pensieve in Severus' office. He had never been more afraid for his life when Severus had caught him, and he didn't want to relive that moment again, but Harry thought about what it might be hiding in its swirling glowing liquid.
Maybe what Severus was hiding was kept inside that pensieve, safe and hidden. Maybe it had the answers Harry was looking for that Severus was too stubborn to reveal, maybe it would show Harry that Severus wasn't hiding anything and that he could trust him. Besides, even if Severus did catch him inside that pensieve, they were at a better place than they were a year ago. This time, Harry wasn't in his fifth year being forced to take Occlumency by an equally reluctant Severus Snape.
Feeling like his reasons were justified enough, Harry opened the cabinet, revealing the pensieve he'd once entered almost a year ago. He couldn't believe he was dumb enough to be doing this again, but he had to do it. He wanted to trust Severus again.
Harry dipped his face inside and he felt himself being pulled in and then falling through a swirl of colors and voices. After a few moments, Harry landed with a soft thud on his butt. His hands felt grass and a windy breeze played with his hair. He looked around and saw two children sitting in a meadow behind a row of houses. The sun was setting behind a young girl with bright-red hair, the sun's rays turning her hair to flames. He crept closer until he could hear the murmuring voices of children, realizing she wasn't alone. A small skinny boy wearing a large coat and long black hair was beside her.
"Mom… Sev..." Harry whispered, realizing who they were.
"They are fighting again aren't they, Severus?" It was his mom's voice, her voice, even if she was a little girl. Harry couldn't help but move to a spot where he could take in her whole face. Despite his being here to figure out what Severus was hiding, he couldn't help but let himself have this small ounce of pleasure to just see his mom.
The young Severus nodded, "I don't want to go back home. I'm tired of seeing him hurt her."
"I'll wait with you, Sev."
"What if your parents worry about you? I don't want to get you in trouble, Lily."
"And if I do, it doesn't matter. I'm your friend, that's what friends do, we are there for each other no matter what."
Harry then noticed the loud voices coming from a house not too far away, the voices rang through the evening air until it faded, followed by a slamming door.
"If you could be anywhere you wanted in this world right now, where would it be?" Lily asked, trying to distract her friend from the sound of his fighting parents.
Severus was now laying on his back looking up at the pink and orange clouds, as the sun continued its journey down.
"I want to go camping with you and your parents, even Tuney… And we could… I don't know, be a family…and have a tent deep in the forest away from people so we won't have to hide our magic. And there are no dads that hit, only yours that will teach us how to fish and skip rocks. And no moms that cry, only yours that will cook us delicious food and kiss us goodnight. And our only worry is to deal with Tuney who would probably just complain about us and sulk. And I could show your mum all the herbs that are useful in the forest and the ones to stay away from. And we could all go hiking and swimming. Just a big family trip with no fighting or hitting or crying, no one bleeding…unless someone fell and scraped their knees. But it would be okay, cus your parents will patch us right up."
Lily then laid down next to her friend, taking in every word he said as the memory began to fade, the voices echoing around Harry as it changed into another memory and he wondered why Severus would try to hide that one.
Now, Harry was standing in a dark room. There was nothing much but an old bed frame, a wardrobe with broken doors and an old nightstand that looked ready to topple over any moment. The wardrobe had a few articles of tattered clothing, broken toys and old books that looked well-read. Arguing disrupted the silence, a hall light was suddenly on, creating shadows and illuminating a path on the floor to the bed.
And for the first time, Harry noticed a young Severus laying in his bed under the covers, looking at an old children's picture book of Hogwarts, his flashlight shining on the old pictures. The book, like all magical books and portraits, had moving illustrations. It was old and worn with gold pages. Severus' eyes were filled with longing as he studied the pictures. A big thump followed by a scream, a drunk man's shouting caused Severus to flinch, dropping the flashlight to the floor. Another loud thump followed, louder than the last one, causing Harry to turn around to glare at the door. The walls were paper thin, allowing Severus to hear everything that was happening on the other side.
The sound of feet hitting the floor and a window opening pulled Harry's attention back to Severus. He was surprised to see the young boy climbing out.
Without a moment to waste, Harry followed him out, curious to see where Severus was going. He followed him away from the row of houses, past an old park, through a small bout of trees and into a small middle-class neighborhood.
It wasn't long until Severus stopped walking, sneaking behind the back of a house and started throwing pebbles at a second story window. Harry then saw a small face and long red hair as Lily opened the window and looked down. Severus then began to climb up the vines. And Harry realized this was a nightly routine, hardly any words were spoken between the two. Harry followed Severus up, finding the two young kids sitting in a makeshift fort with sheets, pillows and twinkling fairy lights. Severus was laying against the pillows, clutching the book to his chest.
"I left before my dad grew tired of hitting her and came to me," Severus was muttering.
"You'll be safe here… What is that you've got there, Severus?" Lily asked.
Severus gave her the book. "It was my mum's when she was my age. I found it in the attic. She doesn't know I have it. Can I keep it safe here? If he found it…it'll be burned in the fireplace."
Lily nodded, looking through the book.
"That is the world I want to be in, Lily, with our own kind, where we don't have to fear doing magic, where there are others like us…"
The memory started to grow fuzzy again, making the voices blend together and the colors merged. And Harry wasn't prepared for the quick flashes of memories. Memories so dark and full of fear, of pain, of Severus constantly hiding while his parents fought. Memories of Severus being hit by his dad and the mistrust in his eyes that grew stronger with each passing memory, of hopelessness and pain. Harry was starting to feel triggered by those memories, they were so much like his own, so much like his own childhood. The memories finally began to slow down until it was just Lily and Severus again, this time on the Astronomy tower, a vast sky of stars scattered above them.
"Promise me, Severus," Lily was saying. "That you try to stay away from those Slytherin goons of Malfoy's. Promise me you'll try… I'm your friend too, Severus, you don't need them. You have me."
Severus didn't say anything, only looking at the sky and the stars reflected in his obsidian black eyes.
Then once again, the memory changed, and now Harry was standing in a white room. A baby was crying as a young woman with red hair and green eyes was singing softly to a newborn baby in her arms. A knock on the door made Harry turn around to see Severus who looked as if he were barely twenty.
"Severus…" Lily said, looking at him with surprise.
Severus stood by the doorway, his hesitant eyes on Lily, uncertain of what to say and his hands hidden underneath his dark robes.
Lily chuckled, "Come in, Sev, I promise I won't hex you."
Severus didn't say anything. Still looking nervous, he sat himself down on the armchair near Lily's bed.
"I heard you're going into hiding."
"Dumbledore reckons it's the best shot we got in keeping him safe," Lily replied.
At those words, Severus' eyes traveled down to the small baby.
Suddenly strong hands grabbed Harry by the shoulders and turned him around, until he found himself facing a much older Severus Snape.
"Professor!" Harry gasped.
Severus' black eyes were swirling with emotions Harry couldn't read, causing him to lose control and let fear take over, he was sure he was going to get punished by this. Flashbacks of how angry Severus was the first time Harry was caught in his pensieve invaded his mind, the anger in his eyes and his voice as he shouted at Harry to get out of his office. His chest started to feel tight, his vision growing foggy, trying to calm down, Harry closed his eyes and held his head in his hands trying to breathe, but it was hopeless. Gasping for air, he felt his arms being tugged away from his head and held close to his sides.
"Harry, breathe slowly, remember in, out, in out."
Harry felt his hand being placed firmly on a warm chest, he could feel a beating heart. The rhythm began to calm him as he followed the rise and fall of Severus' chest. After a while his vision began to come back, and Harry stopped gasping for air.
Severus was on his knees, one hand holding onto Harry's arm, the other holding Harry's hand to his chest. Harry could still feel Severus' heartbeat, bringing him back to reality.
"I'm not going to hurt you, Harry, believe me, you are loved, very loved, and I will never punish you the way your uncle did."
Harry only shook his head.
"If you cannot believe me, turn around," Severus said, letting him go and standing up.
Harry turned around to see Lily placing Harry in Severus' arms for the first time.
Harry watched Severus' nervousness grow as Lily directed him into the right position, and once the baby was settled safely in his arms, Severus looked down at him, eyes growing soft. He carefully moved aside the tuff of jet-black hair. Baby Harry yawned and held on to Severus' pinky finger in his chubby fists, causing Severus to laugh until tears were threatening to spill.
Lily looked on, smiling at her best friend holding her son, and Harry knew at that moment, their friendship had rekindled, and everything bad that had happened between them now was forgotten.
"Sev, if anything should happen to me and James and his friends, I want you to be the one to look after him."
Severus didn't take his eyes off the baby.
"I will do everything in my power to protect him," Severus said, "Even if it costs my own life."
Severus placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. "It's time we go," he muttered, pulling Harry out of the pensieve, away from the memory and back into Severus' office.