Chapter Eleven - The Cellar Door
A/N: Trigger warnings on conversations on depression, self-harm and suicide.
They were lost in a swirl of color until Severus landed gracefully beside Remus in front of a wooden cabin surrounded by woods.
"Ow! I hate traveling by portkey!" Harry shouted, losing his balance and falling hard on his butt.
As Remus helped Harry up, Severus turned around to admire the lake in front of the cabin. It was completely frozen over and the forest around them was covered in white fluffy snow.
"It's okay, Harry, it took me a while to get the hang of traveling by portkey, come now, up you get."
Severus turned back around to see Harry accepting Remus' arm, pulling himself up, his green eyes on the cabin.
"Where are we?" Harry asked as he dusted the snow off his school robes. Severus and Remus had spared no time in explaining their plans before their departure.
Severus could hear the wistfulness in his voice as Remus answered, "This is my parent's cabin. We moved here when I was eleven."
"I didn't know you had a place to go… I thought…" Harry stopped, his cheeks blushing with embarrassment.
"I was homeless?" Remus finished, tearing his gaze away from the cabin to shoot an amused glance at Harry. "I don't blame you for thinking that. I've avoided this place for so long, no one knows its existence besides Dumbledore, making this place as safe as Hogwarts and the Burrow."
A harsh and cold wind suddenly blew over them, ruffling their hair and robes.
"Come on, let's get inside," Severus suggested, leading the way up the large wooden deck.
On the right side of the deck, in front of a large closed up window, was a swinging bench and side table. Severus could imagine a young Remus doing his homework on that bench during the summer holidays, in front of the peaceful lake or perhaps just reading a book, and he wondered how it was like to grow up here in the middle of the woods.
The cabin was dusty and cold when they entered, it was obvious no one had stepped inside it for at least a decade or two. Severus could see the potential of it once being a warm and loving home. He wondered why Remus avoided this place, especially the times when he had nowhere else to go. All the times he'd seen the wolf miserably residing in Grimmauld place with Black, why didn't he come back here to escape that dark house? And what happened to Remus' parents? Those were questions he'd never thought to ask the wolf, now Severus suddenly wanted to know. He wanted to know every detail about Remus Lupin.
Once the fireplace was lit, the rooms were cleared of dust, Remus gave them the tour. Besides the three bedrooms and small bathroom, the cabin had a large open living area and kitchen. There was also a locked door in the kitchen that Remus purposely didn't show them and they didn't ask why.
The living area was large with two sofas laden with a bunch of pillows, a wooden coffee table and carpets all around and baskets full of blankets, setting off a cozy vibe to the room. In the corners of the room were bookshelves full of books and muggle board games. There was also an old television in the corner near the fireplace.
"This is brilliant, Remus!" Harry exclaimed. He was looking at the shelves full of the old muggle board games. "We have to play some of these!"
Remus laughed at Harry's excitement. "What do you think, Severus?"
"It's quaint," Severus commented. "And a bit odd, you could tell this home was shared by a wizard and a muggle." He observed the mixture of moving and still photographs, the books on magical theories, books on magical creatures and werewolves, also a fairly large collection of muggle literature. He also noticed the muggle appliances in the kitchen and the television. "It's sort of like Spinner's End, my parents house, but by far nicer and welcoming."
"I know your mom was brilliant at Potions in her time, so it was your father who was a muggle?" Remus asked.
Harry was listening curiously to their conversation. "Your dad was a muggle? I thought he was a wizard," he said to Severus.
Severus shrugged, suddenly shy of his half-blood status being the subject of conversation. "Should we get started on dinner?"
Throughout the whole process of making dinner, which was just a simple bangers and mash, Severus argued with Remus over the sleeping arrangements as they cooked together. Harry sat at the kitchen table, having changed out of his school robes and into his usual muggle clothes, drinking a bottle of cold butterbeer.
There were three rooms. Remus' old childhood bedroom which Harry was to reside in. Severus had looked in it briefly, curious to see the room Remus had grown up in, again, trying to imagine a young Remus in the room full of old wooden furniture and books and muggle items on every shelf. The other two rooms were the Lupin's bedroom and Lyall Lupin's study.
Remus was insisting that Severus take his parents' room while Remus took the cot in the study. Severus argued with Remus about it. He preferred Remus to take his parents' bedroom, but the wolf's stubbornness was as strong as Severus' own. He had met his match. Remus wouldn't give in, leaving Severus to slam things around, muttering to himself about stubborn werewolves. His mood only brightened up when Harry joked that if Severus didn't stop being so bitter, then the food was going to come out as terrible as his mood, causing Remus and Severus to stop their arguments and agree with Remus' original plan.
Now dinner was done and they were all relaxing on the sofas in the living room, planning their weekend.
Remus was telling Harry about his favorite pastime during the winter months, which was snow sledding. They were planning their trip for tomorrow to Remus' favorite hill. Harry was very excited since he never had a chance to go sledding before, mentioning that he was always left behind when his aunt and uncle took his cousin. Severus decided to opt out of it and let them have a day together.
Then seeing the way Remus was resting his leg with a pillow conspicuously underneath it, Severus stopped their conversation.
"Lupin, how the bloody hell are you going sledding tomorrow with that injury?"
"Don't worry about that, Severus, I'm fine. It really doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday."
"Then what's with the pillow? Take your cane at least, just in case you have trouble walking back."
Remus guiltily looked away. Harry gave him a sympathetic and amused smile.
Severus then realized he hadn't seen Remus arrive with it, even though he made sure the werewolf had the cane in his hand before Harry arrived at his quarters.
"For Merlin's sake, Lupin, where the bloody hell is your cane?"
"Oh, I might've forgotten to make sure it was attached to me when I activated the portkey," Remus said nonchalantly.
Severus slapped his hand to his face with annoyance and exasperation. "Ugh, you're hopeless, wolf, I give up."
Remus smirked, "Good, now I can be at peace."
Severus scowled at him then turned his attention to Harry.
"Harry, before you go to bed, do you want to talk about last night?"
And instantly the comfortable vibe in the room changed.
Severus saw Harry's smile falter. The light of excitement of a promising weekend and his amusement from Severus' and Remus' small spat, dimmed out in his eyes. He wrapped his arms around himself tightly, muscles tensed, sitting in the middle of the sofa besides Remus.
Based on the boy's body language, Severus knew he was closing up and was unsure how to go from there without starting an argument between them. He felt immense guilt at bringing it up because Harry seemed to be enjoying the evening after a long day that was no doubt, mentally exhausting for him. But Severus had to bring it up, if he didn't take the initiative to talk about it Harry would avoid it as long as possible.
With all signs of his mischievous attitude gone, replaced by a serious and concerned look on his face, Remus placed a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder, who flinched at his touch.
Quickly removing his hand with a raised eyebrow, Remus glanced at Severus. It had been a while since Harry had flinched from Remus' touch. Their relationship had started to improve lately, and this seemed like a setback.
"Cub, don't close up from us. There's no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed for what happened last night. You can talk to us. We just want to make sure you're okay, we love you," Remus said, his persistent hazel eyes on Harry, whose own green gaze was trained on his lap and not at all reacting to Remus' words. "It's just us here…"
"Son, remember our last conversation we had about you closing up?" Severus asked, his voice heavy and deep with concern. "We don't want a relationship where we're always arguing and pushing each other away. We need to trust each other. You said you'll try…"
At their pleading, Harry slowly looked up and finally his eyes connected with Severus' own. He could tell Harry was remembering that conversation in Severus' office, after Severus showed him some of his memories in his pensieve.
"I did promise to try to trust you…" Harry muttered. "I'm so sorry, Severus, you trusted me to try and stop, to go to someone if I ever felt like I had to cut…and at that moment... I couldn't do it. I was so pathetic last night. I'm so embarrassed..."
Severus frowned at his words and said in return, "Before we start this conversation, just know that I am proud of you, no matter how low you are feeling of yourself right now. I am proud, Harry. You still came to me immediately after you've cut yourself. That's all I wanted from you, to come to me, to trust me. Your actions showed just that last night, it shows that you're trying… Now tell us, what happened?"
Harry considered his words for a while, then took a deep breath.
"It was for a stupid reason. I was so stupid… I hate myself for doing it," Harry muttered, his face red with shame and he couldn't make eye contact with them any longer. "This is so embarrassing…"
"Whatever you have to say is between us and we won't judge you. We are here to listen," Remus said gently.
Harry sighed in defeat, "I have a crush on Ginny Weasley, I've had it for a while… I ran into Ginny and Dean Thomas snogging in the hall after Quidditch practice. I was feeling… I don't know…out of place… Also, my friends were fighting and I was annoyed and tired so I went to bed. I was in the bathroom, looking at my reflection in the mirror and I just started wondering what Ginny saw in Dean that I didn't have, and I realized the answer… He isn't some messed-up freak like I am. And how could I ever show her my scars, ever tell her about my past? It's better she chose him and not me…"
Remus and Severus exchanged glances, they both seemed to be remembering their conversation in the classroom of the D.A. Club, when Remus told Severus about Harry asking him for advice on girls. Remus' cheeks blushed a bit, his eyes full of guilt for giving Harry such bad advice. Severus wanted to tell Remus it wasn't his fault. He wouldn't have known it would lead to this, that it was a hint to something bigger.
If anything, Severus was grateful that Remus was here to help him with this talk. He could see clearly how much Harry trusted the wolf. Severus wished so dearly that his son could have the same easy trust for him but he knew it was complicated. Their relationship was complicated with their past. And despite of it all, he wasn't jealous because he knew in the end Remus was the one who was going to be there to pick up the pieces after Severus fulfilled his daunting task. His heart squeezed in pain at the thought, and so he closed his mind off from the touchy subject.
"Then before I knew it," Harry continued, unaware of the silent exchange between Severus and Remus. "I was cutting… It was like someone just flipped a switch inside me. Once I snapped out of the trance, I hated myself so much for what I've done…and I didn't know what to do… I just knew that I needed you, Sev, even though we've been fighting a lot. I'm so sorry for acting like a git towards you, especially during lessons, and on the Draco thing…for not trusting you…"
"Your reasons for being triggered to cut are not at all stupid, they are understandable. Your feelings are valid and you are not a freak. You have just as much worth as Dean Thomas and everyone else. And I know Ginny Weasley will say the same thing to you. I hate to say this about that annoying bunch of red-haired Gryffindors, but she's a Weasley, Harry, don't you forget the good family she comes from." Severus sat up as he spoke, trying to catch Harry's gaze once more, but the boy was stubborn, looking down at his lap. "Son, look at me…"
Harry did as he was told. There was a world full of shame and hurt in those green depths.
"There's no need to apologize about your behavior. You're the child and I'm the adult. I should be the one apologizing to you for always letting my temper get the best of me, for not being patient enough with you."
Harry looked taken aback, but didn't say anything, letting Severus continue…
"I've started to realize how I've dealt with your mental health in the past. Instead of forcing you to stop, I should've tried to understand more. I should've asked you what makes you comfortable. I shouldn't have reprimanded you by threatening to take your wand away… It was the wrong way… My actions only pushed you further away."
"Dad…neither of us knew what we were doing. You did the best you could this summer. You've done more than anyone cared to try, you and Remus."
Touched, Severus nodded at his words. "I've noticed distracting you when you're about to cut or when you're scratching yourself, then talking about it later when you're not triggered anymore seems to work with you. Do you want to continue that?"
Harry nodded. "Yeah, that does help. That way it doesn't leave me feeling so ashamed and feeling like a freak. Does this mean I get to keep my wand this time? I'm not on probation again?"
"No, you're not on probation, and yes, you can keep your wand. I'm going to trust you, son. I trust that you will go to me or Remus or your friends. I know you can't just stop. It's going to be something you're going to struggle with, but we'll be here to support you and help you no matter what. I'm not here to reprimand you for something you can't help. I'm not going to do any of those things, I'm going to just trust you."
Harry looked at Severus, then at Remus, who nodded his agreement to Severus' words.
"But freaks don't deserve a family…" Harry whispered.
"Harry?" Remus asked with concern
Harry fixed his gaze on Remus. "Severus already knows about this, Remus. I think I was triggered by Aunt Petunia. She used to make me stand in front of the bathroom mirror when I was a kid and force me to shout at my reflection for hours, until she felt like I was thoroughly punished. She used to make me say things like… Freaks don't deserve a family. Freaks don't deserve new clothes, freaks deserve to sleep in a broom cupboard under the stairs. Freaks don't deserve to have a mommy or daddy…" Harry choked out, close to tears.
Seeing that his son was on the verge of a panic attack, Severus got up and sat next to him, leaving Harry sandwiched between him and Remus.
"And when I was standing in front of that mirror last night, I was doing what she taught me. I was calling myself a freak. Telling myself I didn't deserve a girl like Ginny. She deserves someone much better, who doesn't have scars, who isn't a freak!"
"Son, you are loved very much by us. You are not a freak. I'm willing to say that a thousand times over just to remind you how much of a good kid you are. I hope one day you will believe us," Severus said, gently.
Harry was now in tears, beginning to hyperventilate. Severus gently picked up Harry's hand, who flinched at the sudden touch, and placed it over Remus' heart. Severus wanted Remus to see, to learn how to calm Harry down by the steady beating of a heart. He wanted Harry to feel safe with Remus because he was the one who was going to pick up the pieces of Harry that Severus would be forced to shatter. They both had similar pain, he wanted them to see that. They needed each other. And Severus' silent gesture to the wolf, of handing Harry over to him, was hurting Severus beyond any unimaginable pain.
Remus' eyes locked onto Severus, full of hurt for his cub and understanding of what Severus was doing, yet he didn't ask any questions. Severus knew he wouldn't. Remus knew Severus wouldn't be able to give him any answers, and that was why Severus admired him so strongly.
"Take it from here," Severus whispered to the wolf.
Remus didn't need telling twice, he gathered Harry in his arms, pressing his hand over his beating heart. Muttering softly to Harry to keep breathing, that he wasn't alone and he was much more than what he thought of himself. They sat that way for a while, until Harry began to come around, collapsing with tears into Remus' chest. Severus only watched, not interfering, with his heart full of pain.
It's for the best… Severus kept saying to himself.
Severus thought back to the first conversation about the mirror when they were hiking back from the waterfall, that morning Severus had woken up to an empty tent with no sign of Harry. He thought briefly that maybe he should cast the mirror again, to make Harry see that he wasn't a freak. His low self-esteem caused by abuse was the underlying problem of it all, the root to what made Harry cut himself. Ginny Weasley choosing Dean Thomas over him was the trigger last night, but this was not the Weasley girl's fault nor the Thomas boy's. They didn't know, only merely doing what typical teenagers do. No, the only ones at fault were the Dursleys.
"Harry, I understand what you're going through. I see why you had to cut yourself last night. You see yourself as worthless, a freak. It was drilled into your head and no matter how hard you fight against the voice, it's still there. I know you cut yourself to regain control, to choose the way you feel pain… I understand, cub…"
Severus was pulled out of his thoughts, by what Remus was saying.
Harry leaned away from Remus, wiping his face and regaining his composure. "Remus, how...?" he choked out, his voice raspy.
"I'm not saying your pain is completely like mine, we are all different, yet I have pain similar to your own. It gives me a clue to what you're going through. I've been dealing with depression. Sometimes I wake up and I see myself as nothing more than a dark creature that doesn't deserve to live. I hear my father's voice in my head, to never show the beast inside me. I hear Greyback in my dreams, telling me I'm a monster like him. Some days it's so bad I can't get out of bed. I understand the power this has on you, how it can make you feel isolated, cut off from everyone else. I understand, cub, how it feels like you're falling apart from the inside and you're doing everything you can just to keep yourself afloat, to seem normal for everyone else, to just get through the day… I know what it's like…"
Harry suddenly threw himself in another hug with Remus. Remus held him tight, rubbing his back in comfort. Once Harry let go, he glanced at Severus then back at Remus. His green eyes were dark and raw with emotion.
"Remus, when Severus and I were camping during the summer… I…" Harry took a deep breath. "I had a nightmare and I left without telling Severus. I hiked up to the waterfall and I tried to jump, I tried to kill myself, but I couldn't do it. I kept thinking of Sirius and how disappointed he would've been if he knew the state I was in. And I was scared for you at the time, I thought you were dead. Severus and I were barely getting along, I felt so alone…"
Remus' eyes were bright with unshed tears, at the information Harry had finally revealed to him on his own. "You're not alone, cub, not anymore, thank you for trusting me with that, for telling me…"
.
.
It was much later in the night. Severus had gone to check on Harry, making sure he was settled in bed before turning in himself. He entered the living room, finding Remus standing by the mantle of the fireplace, looking at the framed family photos of his past.
"Are you okay, wolf?" Severus asked. "I know that was intense…"
"He tried to kill himself and I wasn't there, no wonder he was so angry at me."
"You're here now, that's what matters. And you were great with him today, it's clear he trusts you."
"You're hiding something from me, Severus," Remus whispered.
Severus stepped closely behind him. He wanted to tell Remus everything that was going on… Albus' task for him… His worry for Harry during Albus' secret lessons, sharing information with his son that he would never reveal to Severus. He wanted to tell Remus about his sleepless nights, how Severus worried constantly how this would all affect Harry in the end. The hurt and betrayal he would be forced to cause to both of them. The thought of someone else sharing his burdens, lifting the heavy weight off of him felt like a breath of fresh air after being held underwater for so long, but he couldn't… Severus' loyalty to Albus stopped him.
The silence was heavy between them. He looked over Remus' shoulder at the family photos on the mantle. All in various frames, some were moving, some were captured moments forever frozen in time. The family in the pictures looked happy for the most part, although some of Lyall's moving portraits were casting cold glares at Remus.
"Why haven't you mentioned this cabin before?" Severus asked. He didn't know what to say in response to Remus' accusation. The best way he could think of was to just change the subject. "Like Harry, I assumed you had nowhere else to go besides Grimmauld place."
"During the first war, after I lost my parents, I couldn't bring myself to come back here."
"What happened to them, if you don't mind me asking?"
Remus picked up his parents' wedding photo.
"My mother grew sick around my seventh year and died a few months after I graduated from Hogwarts. My father died not long after. I guess there was no one else for him to stick around for."
Severus' stomach clenched at the news. His mother had also passed away during that time, a bit earlier… He felt the old familiar pain of it, preventing him from speaking about it.
"But he had you," was all he could say.
Remus sighed, placing the photo back on the mantle.
"We never had the best relationship. I was always a disappointment to him."
Severus observed the moving wedding photo. Hope Lupin was gazing at Remus with love and adoration in her chocolate-brown eyes. Lyall Lupin only stared at Remus with hard and distant hazel eyes. Remus had those eyes, but they were softer, kinder, like his mother's.
"He never saw me the same way after I was bitten. In his eyes, his son died that night, and I was as good as an imposter."
"I'm sorry…"
Remus shook his head. "Don't be, it's all in the past."
And quite suddenly, Remus turned around so quickly. He must not have known Severus was standing so close behind him.
Without thinking, Severus wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him close. Their foreheads leaned against each other and Severus was entranced in hazel-green eyes. And suddenly, all of his worries, all of his stress over the future, went away. And the only thing that mattered was the feel of Remus so close to him. His warmth and his intoxicating scent of earth, the pages of a book, chocolate and a good cup of tea, was all that surrounded Severus.
Remus held him by the shoulders, squeezing him firmly in place, their heavy breaths intermingling together and those hazel eyes trailed down to Severus' lips. Severus wanted to kiss him. Their lips were so close, all he had to do was go for it. He desperately wanted to show the wolf how much he thought about him, of all the sleepless nights, wondering if Remus felt the same way as he did, but fear of rejection kept him frozen.
"Severus…"
The way his name sounded from Remus, it sent butterflies through Severus. It caused his heart to leap in his chest and he couldn't breathe.
And as quickly as it happened, it was over. Remus pulled himself away from him. And Severus felt cold from the absence of such warmth.
"I'm going to turn in," Remus only said, running a hand through his golden hair, avoiding Severus' eyes.
Severus didn't say anything, he didn't know what to say. He wasn't even sure what just happened, and so he let Remus go without a single word.
At the sound of the door to the study closing shut, Severus wished he wasn't such a coward. Why couldn't he stop Remus and just tell him how he felt. That the very sight of Remus made his body tremble, that his voice stopped Severus' breath everytime he spoke. He'd never felt this way about anyone, even his feelings for Lily were not as strong as this.
Is this turning into love? Severus asked himself. He wouldn't know. He'd never felt his body react to someone like this before, and he wondered if Remus might feel the same way. Severus closed his eyes, savoring the memory, he knew Remus didn't want to push him away. He held onto Severus for a moment…there was a moment. Severus knew it was there and it was true. He saw it in those hazel eyes, felt it in his touch.
Severus knew Remus was afraid. He had felt love once and was hurt deeply by it. They weren't unaware of the growing infatuation between them, Remus said he needed time and Severus was okay with that. But it was getting harder with every moment they spent together.
And so Severus went to bed, tossing and turning in the Lupins' bed with dreams of summer woods and a warm voice whispering his name.
.
.
The next morning Severus surprised Harry with pancakes for breakfast. He had noticed last night that Harry barely touched his dinner. He had a feeling his son hadn't eaten since his relapse. Leaning against the kitchen counter, drinking a cup of coffee and under his watchful gaze, Harry was at the table slowly eating and dressed in Remus' old snow gear. Despite Severus' voiced concerns about Remus' injured leg last night, Harry and Remus were still going snow sledding after breakfast.
Remus came in wearing a light-blue winter jacket with a fur-lined hood. It was different from the earth-toned robes and muggle clothing Remus usually wore, and Severus couldn't help but keep his gaze on him for a moment before quickly looking away.
"Pancakes? Severus, you're amazing!" Remus said, fixing himself a plate.
Severus' heart just fell out of his chest at the unexpected praise, yet he managed to successfully keep his composure, sipping his coffee with a raised eyebrow.
"Are you sure snow sledding is a good idea with that leg?" Severus asked in his best drawling voice as Remus sat beside Harry with his coffee and breakfast.
"I'll be okay. I'm not even limping this morning and it's feeling a lot better. Remember, I heal faster than normal wizards do."
"Harry, as soon as you see Lupin limping, you are to come straight back home!" Severus snapped, not believing Remus at all.
"Yes, sir," Harry said, glancing at Remus with quiet amusement.
Remus winked at him.
Severus sighed in exasperation… Bloody Gryffindors!
Once they were gone, Severus spent the morning grading and lesson planning. When he was done with his work, he didn't know what to do with himself so he walked absentmindedly around the cabin. Only to keep his thoughts from traveling to the embarrassment of last night, he distracted himself by imagining what it would've been like to grow up in a cabin out in the middle of the woods such as this one, where the worlds of muggles and wizards collided. Sure, Remus' father was distant from him, but he wasn't abusive and it seemed by the adoring eyes of Mrs. Lupin on the mantle that her love for her son was twice as strong, possibly to make up for a distant father.
Severus found himself in Remus' childhood bedroom. He sat on the twin-sized bed looking around at the shelves on the walls with various old muggle and magical child playthings that had gathered dust. There was a large wooden bookcase mixed with muggle and magical book titles, just like the ones in the living room. And in front of the window was a matching wooden desk full of Remus' old textbooks and school work. His guitar was leaning against the desk. He could see the opened closet door filled with old clothes and school robes.
He reached over and picked up a stuffed teddy that was sitting on the night table besides a stack of muggle books for teens. It was missing an eye, the ears were threadbare and looked as if it had been chewed. He put it back in its place, wondering what on earth Remus had done to this poor bear.
This room, like the muggle photos on the mantle, was frozen in time. Severus wondered how Remus felt, to step back into this cabin all these years later, to step into his childhood room, frozen and covered in dust. Maybe he should ask Remus later when he returned and Severus' heart fluttered at the thought of seeing Remus again.
And finally, he let himself remember last night. The way Remus felt so close against him, craving to feel that warmth again. He remembered the way he got lost in those beautiful hazel-green eyes and how Remus fixated on his lips. Severus sighed in frustration with himself. He should've just kissed him, but fear stopped Severus and fear was what probably made Remus pull himself away. It was strange to fear something that Severus knew could make them so happy, if only they were brave enough to give each other a chance.
The sun was lower in the sky as Remus and Harry hiked up the hill one more time to have a last slide down before heading back to the cabin.
They were walking side by side with Remus dragging the sled behind them, laughing about their previous rounds down the hill.
"Remus? Can I ask you something?" Harry suddenly asked, his tone suddenly serious.
Remus turned to his cub. Harry was dressed in Remus' old green snow jacket and snow pants. His cheeks were red from the cold and his dark hair was sticking out underneath his Gryffindor-colored beanie. They were both thoroughly covered in snow.
"You can ask me anything," Remus answered, wondering what this could be about, thinking back to the information Harry had finally revealed to him last night.
"You have to tell me the truth," Harry demanded, his green eyes locking on Remus.
"Cub, what is this about?"
"I was truthful with you yesterday, I'm just asking for the same in return."
"Truly a Marauder of course… Go on, ask away."
"Is something going on between you and Severus?"
Remus looked at Harry, taken aback by such a bold question. "There's nothing going on between us," he shrugged. It was the truth. They weren't anything.
"Do you fancy him?"
Remus wasn't sure how to answer that. He wanted to be truthful to Harry, who deserved it. Especially since he'd opened up last night, despite of it being hard for him to do. Remus sighed in defeat at those persistent green eyes.
"Yes, but please, keep it between us."
Harry grinned at his admittance. "Do you know if he fancies you back?"
At the question, Remus allowed himself to think about last night. How suddenly Severus was pulling him close and all Remus could see were his dark eyes, searching and persistent. How Remus wanted to lean in and kiss him, but fear stopped him because he wasn't sure if he was ready to fall in love again. He was still so broken inside, yet his heart yearned at Severus' touch. It was so hard to pull himself away last night.
"I want to believe so…" Remus said, after realizing Harry was waiting for an answer.
"Are you going to do something about it?"
"I don't know, cub," Remus sighed, walking on ahead. The sound of crunching snow was all that was heard between them for several minutes.
"What's holding you back?" Harry suddenly asked.
"It's… It's complicated… You know how much I loved Sirius, how much his death affected me…"
Remus thought hard with what he was trying to say. He didn't want to reveal to Harry how much Sirius changed after Azkaban, how he drank away his demons and verbally took it out on Remus. He didn't want Harry to ever know that side of his godfather. It was so hard to watch Sirius go down that path when he still loved him so much, yet he wasn't the same Sirius. There was a rift between them that couldn't be mended, and the fact that Remus broke up with him right before he died... It killed Remus inside to think that Sirius died thinking Remus didn't love him anymore, it killed him…and because of that, along with the depression and Ptsd from his time with Greyback, Remus didn't know if he could ever fall in love again. Not when he was so broken inside, not when he felt like a monster.
"I'm just not ready to fall in love again, especially when I'm a mess right now… What's with the questions?" Remus asked, slightly out of breath from the hill they were climbing. He kept walking, despite his leg aching from overuse.
"I just think you two are good for each other…" Harry shrugged. "But I understand your reasons… I know why you're scared. I feel the same way with Ginny, she deserves better than me and my problems."
"You shouldn't underestimate Ginny. Remember what Severus said, she's a Weasley. I wish you can give her a chance."
Harry only shook his head.
"I know it's complicated, cub, we just have to be brave. We're more than Gryffindors, we're Marauders."
"You know it isn't that easy, Remus! Like I've told Ron once in my fourth year, I'd rather take on the dragon again than ask a girl out!"
Remus bursted out laughing at his words as they climbed the last few steps up the hill. Once they'd finally reached the top, they stopped, catching their breaths and enjoying the scenery of the snowy forest.
"My father taught me to stay away from others," Remus suddenly said, his breath coming out in an icy fog.
He stared straight ahead, past the tree tops, to the cabin in the distance.
"He was ashamed of what I was. He didn't like it when I showed the wolf in my eyes, so I had to learn to close my emotions off. I also wasn't allowed to grow close with others, not allowed to have friends. And when I failed him, it always resulted in moving. This cabin was the last place we moved to once I started Hogwarts."
Harry followed Remus' line of sight, to the wooden cabin in the distance, where Severus was waiting for them. He didn't say anything in return, letting Remus continue.
"That is why I'm afraid to let Severus in, cub. I constantly hear my father in the back of my head to not let the wolf show, don't grow close to others or they'll see the monster inside. Greyback said I was a monster like him. What if Severus sees that in me?"
"That's how I feel with Ginny. I keep hearing freak in my head, my aunt telling me I don't deserve anything, and sometimes I believe her. It makes me afraid to start anything with Ginny. What if she sees that in me? I feel like it's my fault she went off with Dean. I didn't try to hang out with her, she got tired of waiting."
"You have to tell her, Harry, I know she'll understand."
"And you have to take a chance with Severus."
"You are not a freak."
"And you aren't a monster." Harry then sighed, "We're as bad as Ron and Hermione."
"Ron and Hermione?" Remus tore his gaze away from the view and onto Harry.
"Yeah, it's hard hanging around with them now," Harry grimaced.
"Interesting… It makes sense," Remus shrugged, he then nudged Harry gently. "Come on! One more go down the hill!"
.
.
An hour later as Harry and Remus walked into the cabin feeling frozen from being out all day, they felt the warmth washing over them. Remus tried not to show his limp, but Severus met him with a glare.
"Your tea with Pain Potion is on the counter!" he scowled. "Harry, you were supposed to make sure he didn't over exert himself!"
"He said he was fine," Harry shrugged.
Severus rolled his eyes."Why do I even bother? Come on, dinner is ready."
They had spent the rest of the evening playing board games and drinking hot butterbeer. Harry taught Remus how to roast marshmallows in the fireplace for s'mores.
"Remus, your marshmallow is catching on fire! Blow it out!" Harry exclaimed, bursting into laughter as Remus blew out the flames.
He had never known about this muggle snack food of gooey chocolate and marshmallow before. His mom never showed it to him, and Remus found out he loved it as much as Harry did.
Severus just rolled his eyes at their antics. "Harry, it's your turn to go," he said.
"Oh right…" Harry's attention was now back on the game. He grabbed the dice and began to roll.
"Severus, are you sure you wouldn't like one? These are quite delicious," Remus said, as Harry moved his pawn forward.
They were playing Monopoly, luckily, they were all familiar with the muggle game. Severus had said that he used to play with Lily and Petunia when they were children. He had told them about the fights it had caused, due to Petunia being a sore loser. Remus had played with the Marauders the summer they were here. Harry laughed at his stories of Sirius flipping the board when things wouldn't go his way and Peter giving into all of James' tactics until he went bankrupt. Harry revealed that he was never really allowed to play, and when he was allowed on the rare occasion, he always had to let Dudley win.
"No, I don't understand why you two are so obsessed with that!"
"Come on, just a bite," Remus said, handing him his plate.
Their eyes met, Remus knew Severus was remembering last night, just like him. His stomach twinged at the thought of Severus' arms around his waist, pulling him close. Remus felt the blush on his cheeks and quickly looked away. They hadn't had a moment alone to talk about it yet.
"Fine!" Severus took Remus' plate, picking up the s'more and biting into it. Severus then immediately handed it back to him. "Just as I thought, it's disgustingly sweet!"
Once the evening grew into night and Harry went off to bed, Severus and Remus found themselves alone for the first time since last night. And Remus again remembered the sudden pull against Severus' body, how he felt warm and sturdy against him. How his heart was beating fast against his chest and how he was lost in obsidian-black eyes.
Suddenly the air was thick between them. And Remus didn't know what to say. He was at a loss for words.
Remus thought about his conversation with Harry earlier. The words Remus had spoken were true. He did have feelings for Severus but he was afraid. He was too broken, Severus wouldn't want him, he deserved better. And Remus was enjoying their friendship, he didn't want that to change. Maybe he should apologize…maybe things didn't have to be awkward between them….
"I'm sorry…"
"Remus, about…"
They both spoke at the same time. Remus blushed, running a hand through his hair.
"You can go ahead, Severus."
"I just wanted to apologize for my behavior last night. I didn't mean to, well... I don't usually…"
"It's okay, it was just in the moment," Remus said. He realized he didn't need an explanation. Severus was already forgiven.
"I know you're not ready…"
Remus nodded in response. "I'm sorry, Severus, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am enjoying your company."
"I'm enjoying your company too," Severus whispered and their eyes connected.
Remus felt like he was falling into those dark eyes. He wanted to just let go of his fears and let Severus in. To take a chance and let Severus see how broken and monstrous Remus was inside and let him decide if he still wanted him. Remus wasn't sure if he could handle Severus' rejection…he was still hurting...and so Remus stayed silent.
"There is nothing wrong with you," Severus said. "After everything that's happened, it's okay to be cautious."
Remus tore his eyes away, landing on the soft cackling flames in the fireplace.
"That door in the kitchen…" Severus asked softly.
"It's where I did my changes," Remus said, and he didn't know what made him say it. Maybe he was feeling brave at the moment or maybe he just wanted to make up for his rejection last night. "Would you like to see it?" Or maybe he wanted to see Severus' reaction, see if he could accept the monstrous part of him.
"Only if it's okay with you."
"I want to show you."
They climbed down the stairs together. Severus just behind Remus. They lit their way with the light from their wands, chasing away the pitch black. It was a big empty cellar with only a large metal cage at its center. There was no window, no source of light. Only the darkness and that cage.
"Remus…" Severus could only say. The room was horrid. His wand light illuminated the claw and teeth marks and old stains that could only be blood.
"This is where I've changed every month… My father built this room like a muggle panic room. It was the safest place to keep me."
Severus could imagine a young Remus sitting alone in the dark, waiting for his change. He must've felt so alone. And he realized this was no different than the Shrieking Shack, except this time Remus was able to keep his mind, able to remember the wild thoughts of the wolf and the loneliness and pain. He didn't want Remus to feel alone anymore. He had to do something.
Severus had been working hard to improve the Wolfsbane Potion during his free time, but the task was proving to be immensely difficult and could eventually take years. Severus didn't have years….
Suddenly, he couldn't stand to be there any longer. The darkness was too much, he could practically hear the screams and howling that must've gone on in this room. Without thinking, he reached out for Remus' hand. Slender fingers wrapped around his own as Severus led him back up the stairs.
He didn't let go of Remus' hand until the cellar door was locked. They then made their way back to their spots on each sofa.
Remus was staring at him with wide eyes, and Severus realized his sudden flight out of the cellar might've freaked him out.
"Remus, I promise you, seeing that cage doesn't change anything between us. I still see you, just you, not a monster. I'm going to help you so you won't be alone during your full-moon changes. I'm going to figure something out."
Those words seemed to have taken away the awkward tension between them. Remus' eyes brightened and he smiled shyly. Severus realized that was Remus' way of letting him in, by showing him that cage… And somehow, Severus had said the right thing. He felt like he had passed some sort of test or mental barrier... Maybe there was a possibility of them being something more soon.…
And with the tension finally gone and the familiar ease of their friendship reestablished, they stayed up talking until the late hours of the night.
"Remus, what's with that old teddy in your bedroom?"
"Teddy? What's wrong with him?"
"Well, he looks like he's been trampled by a herd of centaurs."
"He's the oldest thing I have, my father bought it for me when I was born. Do you have something from your parents that you can't part with?"
"My mum's old children's picture book of Hogwarts. The pages are dog-eared and yellow. Lily and I used to spend hours looking at the pictures, imagining ourselves at Hogwarts."
"I'm sorry Hogwarts didn't turn out so well for you as you probably once imagined. My friends made it difficult for you."
"It's the past, wolf, I've moved on, besides I wasn't exactly a saint."
"Does that mean you've forgiven Sirius?"
"No, he's a special case."
"Hmm..."
"Are you ever going to forgive him?" Severus asked, knowing Remus was still hurting over that mutt. There was no reply, he assumed Remus was thinking of his answer.
"Remus?" The sound of heavy breathing filled the air. Severus turned his head to the sofa Remus was laying down in, covered in blankets.
The wolf was sound asleep. Severus would have to ask him his question some other time. He stayed where he was, too tired and comfy to move. He observed the dimly-lit living room. The fire was starting to go out and all he could hear were the soft sounds of Remus sleeping.
Suddenly an old tapestry hanging on the wall caught his eye. It was in the corner of the room with the bookshelves. The tapestry was beautiful. It had an embroidered black wolf standing near a larger grey wolf. They both had deep amber eyes, and suddenly an answer to Severus' problem clicked. He wanted to help Remus, something that would help him through his full-moon changes, something that was easier and less time consuming than improving the Wolfsbane Potion.
Severus soon began to fall asleep as plans of becoming an unregistered animagus invaded his dreams, of two wolves racing side by side in the wild snowy forest. One a beautiful grey large wolf, and another smaller wolf as dark as the night.
Review Responses to Chapter Ten
Imaginer.012: Thank you for your review and the compliments! I'm sorry this new chapter was focused more on Harry and Remus, I'm planning something between Severus and Harry for ch.12.. =) anyways I'm so glad you liked chapter 10 and the conversations between Harry and Sev!
LunePrimus: I hope this new chapter was enough love, cuteness, and angst for you... I really tried haha...and thank you for your long reviews! They are always the best, because the longer the better, and they always tell me what to improve on or what to add or what the reader likes...It makes my writing process a bit easier and so thank you so much! I'm so happy you really liked chapter 10, I worked so hard on it, and I hope you loved this one as much!
To the Guest Who Read My Chapter During Work: omg, I love that! Haha, and also I'm super touched that my story is worth the risk. I apologize for the long wait for this chapter. I wanted it to be good, and well things kept happening this month, but I got it up, and I hope you enjoy it!
Ash90: Omg I was so angry for you! They need to fix the app! Also this update is late cus I lost my work several times on doc manager! ugh! I understand your frustration, but I'm glad you were able to read those last chapters, and so I dedicate this new update to you for all your struggles. I really hope you enjoy ch.11! And thanks for your praises and reviews!
Guest Who Commented About Relapses and Snape:Yes that's what I was trying to avoid. I'm using Harry's relapse to show some character growth in Snape, who is realizing his past mistakes with Harry. I don't want Snape to be a professional right from the start when it comes to dealing with mental health. I want him and Harry to learn and grow together, if that makes sense, idk, lol, but thanks for your review!
Guest Who Is Worried About Lupin: Yeah, I'm hoping he'll get there...thanks for your review. =)