Chapter Seventeen - I'm Tired Of Being Broken

Warning: Cursing, Mentions of Suicide and Depression

The dawn finally arrived with a frost that chilled Remus to the bone as he changed back into his human form. His echoed screams mixed in with the sound of the swirling wind which sent flurries of falling snow through the cracks of the boarded up windows. Shivering violently on the splintered wooden floorboards, Remus weakly lifted up his hand, summoning the tattered blanket from the broken bed. The ragged blanket covered his naked body, providing minimal warmth against the paralyzing cold. And Remus willed himself to open his eyes, to get up and put on his clothes, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't find the strength. He was too cold, too sore and exhausted. Even the efforts of such a simple summoning spell had been too much for him.

Get up… You're going to freeze on this floor… Get up… Remus scolded himself, and his only hope was Severus. He knew Severus was going to be there any moment. He promised to be there as soon as the moon set and the sun rose….

Severus, hurry… was Remus' last thought before he sunk into sleep or maybe he was just passing out from the cold and exhaustion. The dreams began to take their hold. The floorboards underneath Remus became a cement floor covered with straw. The icy scent of the freezing air turned into a hot and stuffy, foul-smelling stench of human waste, sickness and drying blood. The sound of the wind turned into howling wolves.

And just barely on the edge of consciousness, still trying to hold on and not fall into the paralyzing terror of his dreams, Remus heard the sound of hurried footsteps from somewhere far below.

"Remus!" It was Severus' voice. "You're fucking freezing!"

Severus' voice chased the nightmares away, releasing Remus from their grasp. He could feel the icy air again. He felt the wooden floor boards underneath. The powerful winds that threaten to knock over the Shrieking Shack continued to force its way in through the windows. It chased away the howling wolves in Remus' head and the fear in his heart, and he was finally able to open his eyes just a crack. His eyelids felt heavy. There must be icicles forming on his eyelashes. His limbs felt like deadweights. He could barely move, he couldn't feel his fingers or toes. And Remus was shivering so hard, it was causing his back and his neck to ache.

Severus' face was suddenly in Remus' line of vision, blurred and pale, his dark hair being swept up from the wind. Remus lifted up his hand, trying to touch him, to speak to him, but Remus couldn't stop shivering.

Severus' lips began to move, he was speaking. Remus couldn't understand what he was saying. He only stared at Severus, trying to make sense of his words that were carried away by the loud winds. Severus, noticing Remus struggling to comprehend him, gently picked him up and placed him onto the bed.

It took everything in Remus to stay sitting up. He closed his eyes, unable to keep them open anymore. Remus was feeling too cold and exhausted to even feel embarrassed that Severus was seeing him naked. Remus allowed him to dress him back into his clothes he wore the night before. His faded old blue jeans and a green sweater. Then Remus suddenly felt a heavy and warm weight draped over his shoulders, and the scent of Severus: herbs, coffee, the shampoo and soap he always uses, invaded Remus' senses. Severus had covered him up with his heavy winter robes. The comforting warmth of them began to tame Remus' violent shivers, and he finally began to understand a bit of what Severus was saying to him.

"You don't have any new injuries, thank Merlin…" Severus was muttering as he did a full-body medical exam over Remus. He then rubbed Remus' hands together, drawing his warm breath over his frozen fingers before placing them in the pockets of the winter robes. "I'm going to lift you up now," Severus said. "Is that okay? You can barely move, and I want to get you home as soon as possible."

Remus could barely mutter his consent. Severus wasted no time in gathering him up in his arms, holding Remus gently against his chest as Severus lifted him up.

The air outside was colder. The wind was harsher. The snow was falling down so quickly and heavily. It landed on Remus' cheeks, stinging his skin. He could feel Severus shivering against him as he held on tightly to Remus, holding him close and trying to provide as much warmth to Remus as he possibly could as Severus journeyed to the nearest Apparition point just outside the school gates.

They finally made it back to the cabin. Severus kicked open the door and placed Remus into their bed, covering him with as many blankets as he could find. Remus watched through half-closed eyelids as Severus then started a fire in the fireplace. Heat finally washed over them, causing their skin to redden. With his body still shaking despite the dramatic change of temperature, Remus closed his eyes again. The last thing he saw was Severus throwing on some robes to warm himself up.

The next thing Remus knew, Severus was at his side coaxing him awake with a steaming mug in his hands.

"Here, baby, drink this," Severus said softly, helping Remus to sit up. Severus touched the rim of the mug against Remus' lips.

It was Chamomile tea mixed in with some potions. Remus wasn't sure what they were, but he could scent their fumes mixed among the tea leaves. Remus didn't question it, he trusted Severus. The tea began to warm Remus up from the inside and out, all the way to the tips of his fingers and toes. And once he was done with it, his body had finally slowed down to just a light shiver. Remus sighed comfortably as he laid back down, stretching out his sore muscles with relief.

"Sev…rus…" Remus mumbled, trying to thank his boyfriend for taking care of him, for saving his life… And he wanted to say those words: I love you… Just three simple words that would mean the world to Severus, but Remus' mind was slowly going back to the heavy pull of sleep. He felt the dip of the bed, and the movement of his pile of blankets. And suddenly Remus felt Severus' arms around him, pulling him close to his body, warm and sturdy and safe.

.

.

Remus was running away from the shadows once more.

Why do I keep having these dreams? Why am I always running? When will this end?

He tried to wake himself up, but he couldn't escape. He was trapped. Running for his life. Away from the darkness. Away from Kaylie and her whispers. Her cold presence was beside him.

"It's your fault… Your fault I'm in the ground, buried and rotting… You're a monster, Remus Lupin… A monster…"

And Remus didn't dare look at Kaylie. He didn't dare meet her red eyes. The only thing that kept Remus going was the light of the sun up ahead.

"Remus…"

The voice, familiar and comforting, chased her away.

"Remus, wake up…"

The light was there, just out of reach.

"Remus, you promised me…" Kaylie's last whisper.

Remus kept running, focusing on the new voice that was softly calling his name.

"Remus, darling…"

Suddenly a long howl ripped through the air. Remus looked up. Ahead of the path were hills. And on the nearest slope was the silhouette of the black wolf that kept appearing in previous dreams.

Severus, is that you?

"Remus…" Warm and gentle hands touched him, startling Remus awake.

Severus came into focus with his hand on Remus' forehead. Fear and guilt from Remus' dream lingered, causing him to cringe away from Severus. He suddenly couldn't stand human touch. He didn't deserve that sort of gentleness, he had let that girl die… And with that thought, Remus felt the darkness weighing heavily on him. He didn't want to be awake right now. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to be left alone.

Remus didn't miss the sudden frown on Severus, the hurt that briefly flashed in his eyes as he kept his hands away.

"Sorry, you're just feeling a bit feverish… I brought you some food just in case you're hungry, wolf."

Remus noticed the steaming bowl of chicken broth and a pitcher of water on the night table.

"How long have I been asleep?" Remus' voice croaked. A powerful headache was throbbing behind his eyes and he felt congested. His body had finally stopped shivering, leaving Remus to feel warm and achy all over.

"You slept through the whole afternoon. I'm going to pick up Harry. Would you be okay by yourself for just a few moments?"

Remus snuggled deeper into his pile of blankets.

"Remus?"

Just wanting to be left alone, Remus ignored Severus, closing his eyes and listening to the quiet sounds of him finally leaving the room. And deep inside, underneath his terrible depression, Remus wanted to call Severus back, but it was too much of a heavy task at the moment. He suddenly missed the warmth of Severus beside him, and Remus felt so wretched for pushing him away, for being responsible for that hurt look in those beautiful obsidian depths. At least Remus could still smell Severus' scent on the winter robes that were still over his clothes; they started to lull Remus back to sleep. When he was just on the edge of consciousness, Remus could've sworn he heard footsteps again and the ghost of a kiss on his forehead.

.

.

In his dreams, Remus was the wolf, still running on that same path. Still running away from the darkness, but this time, to his horror, it was catching up to him. The black wolf was now nowhere in sight, and the sunlight up ahead was becoming farther and farther away.

Remus howled out in desperation. He was tired of these dreams and what they meant. Tired of running towards a light he could never reach. Tired of a mysterious black wolf that was nowhere in sight.

Where are you? Don't leave me in the dark!

A mournful howl rang around him, sounding so close, yet so far.

Are you meant to be Severus? Who are you?

And the darkness enveloped Remus, blocking him from the sun's rays. Fear was taking over, making his heart pound so quickly in his chest. He couldn't breathe. He stopped in his tracks. He couldn't run anymore… And the light was gone….

Suddenly Remus woke up in the cellar. The first thing that came to him was the intense pain. The stench of death and blood was heavy in the air. Bile rose up in his throat so quickly, causing Remus to choke. He forced himself to roll over onto his stomach to clear his airway. Remus then looked up and found Kaylie's body just in front of him, just an arm-length away.

"Kaylie," Remus choked out.

Remus was just able to reach her. She was so cold… He turned her over. Her eyes were closed. Kaylie's body was covered in drying blood and fatal wounds. Horrified, Remus covered his mouth with his hand, ready to vomit again. He felt something sticky on his skin. Remus pulled his hand away, only to see it covered in Kaylie's blood.

"Kaylie! What have I done? I'm a monster! You're right! You're right! I'm so sorry for what I've done to you! I'm so sorry!"

"Remus?"

Remus felt someone touching him, pulling him back to the waking world. And he felt fear, fear of what the touch may bring him. Gleaming silver flashed through his mind, pain that Remus deserved for killing this young girl.

"No…no…no…please, no… Please, don't touch me!"

Tears flowed down Remus' cheeks as he shook her lifeless body. Maybe she was sleeping, maybe she was ill. Her eyes were going to open. She'll come back to life. Kaylie just can't be dead. She can't be! She was just a kid!

"Kaylie, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you! Kaylie, please wake up!"

"Come on, baby," a voice whispered. "Wake up for me. I've got you here with me. You're not in that cellar anymore… Wake up…"

That voice pulled Remus out of his devastating nightmare. Covered in sweat, his breath coming out in short gasps, he opened his eyes to the dark bedroom. He could see the night sky through the open curtains of the window, the stars twinkling above. They seemed so far away. Remus wished he had woken up on a star, far away from the nightmares and his pain. Far away where nothing could touch him. Just a spirit in the night sky.

"Remus…" A hand traced his jawline. Then cupped his cheek and gently pried his face away from the direction of the window, and Remus found himself lost in obsidian eyes.

"Severus?" Remus whispered, finally realizing that he was in his boyfriend's arms, safe and warm and far away from rotting stone cellars and dead children. And all the blood drained from his face as Remus realized what he was thinking, wishing that he was in the night sky among the stars, far away from Severus, from Harry… Remus felt his body begin to shake, and his throat started to painfully close-up as warm tears began to fall from his eyes again. That wasn't true. He didn't want to be far away from them. Remus really didn't want to die, but for just that moment as he awoke, feeling lost, gazing at the stars, that thought seemed nice… And that is what terrified Remus… He didn't want to fall back into that dark place again.

"Wolf, talk to me…" Severus whispered, wiping the tears away with his thumb. "What was your dream about?"

"I saw her," Remus could barely gasp. His breaths were starting to come out rapidly, just like Harry's during his panic attacks."Kaylie…" He felt his heart break as he said her name out loud. "She felt so cold and her eyes were closed… There was so much blood! It was in my mouth!"

"It was only a nightmare. Remember those things aren't real?" Severus whispered in Remus' ear. "Kaylie is with her father now in peace, nothing can hurt her anymore. She's at peace, Remus."

"She was so cold," Remus sobbed.

"You're safe with me. It was only a dream," Severus only whispered, covering Remus' face in soft kisses and holding him close. "You're safe and she's at peace..."

"I don't want to go back to the dark place!"

"I won't let you."

And Remus fell asleep sobbing against Severus' chest.

Severus felt his heart break as he held a crying Remus in his arms. His sobs sounding so broken, Severus wished there was something he could do to help. The only thing he could think of was to just continue holding Remus, kissing his temple every now and then as Severus whispered words of comfort, showing Remus he was there for him. After a while Remus' rapid gasps turned into light and gentle snoring, and Severus felt him begin to relax in his arms. He'd finally fallen back to sleep. Lost in his thoughts, consumed with worry, Severus didn't relinquish his hold on him.

As soon as the dawn arrived and the full-moon had finally set, Severus had set off from the castle as fast as he could, his heart beating fast to get to Remus. The corridors in the castle were ice-cold, and he couldn't help but worry how cold it must be in the Shrieking Shack. When Severus opened the castle doors, to his dismay, a snowstorm slapped Severus hard, stinging his cheeks, his nose and his hands, every inch of exposed skin. He drew his winter robes on closer, glad he had the sense to throw them on before he left his quarters. The snow was falling so quickly and heavily, blinding Severus as he melted a clear path to his destination with his wand. And Severus couldn't forget how he had found Remus laying on the floor, with nothing but a tattered blanket to keep him warm. He was almost frozen, too exhausted and shivering so violently, he could barely open his eyes or even talk.

When Severus brought an almost unconscious Remus into the cabin, the first thing he did was lay him on their bed and piled a mountain of blankets onto him, trying to stop the violent tremors. And with the warmth of the fire cackling in its grate, Remus finally began to warm up, his cheeks turning rosy as he immediately fell asleep. Severus laid beside him until the late afternoon, catching up on sleep and providing Remus the warmth from his body.

When Severus had woken up, he'd found Remus feeling feverish and looking a bit sweaty. Hoping Remus was just overheated and not catching the flu, Severus took away all of the blankets except for one, but leaving his winter robes wrapped around Remus.

Later as Severus was placing a bowl of broth on the night table, Remus started muttering in his sleep. Severus placed a hand on his forehead. It felt warm still, so he woke him, hoping Remus would eat. Severus also wanted to let him know he was leaving in a bit to pick up Harry. And it hurt Severus inside as he remembered the way Remus had cringed away from his touch, trying his best to remind himself that this was just because Remus was triggered from the full-moon, from the nightmare he'd just woken up from. When Remus turned away from Severus, refusing to talk to him, the only thing that kept Severus going, kept him from breaking, was that soon Remus was going to wake up and be back to his usual self with that beautiful mischievous smile, and those golden eyes would be forest-green once more.

When Severus returned with Harry, he found Remus still asleep, feeling more feverish than before. The broth he'd left on the bedside table had remained untouched. Severus hated to wake Remus up once again, but he needed to get something in his system along with some Pepper-up Potion.

Remus was quiet when he awoke, squinting his blood-shot eyes as if he had a headache. He really didn't look good and he didn't complain when Severus brought a mug full of chicken broth mixed with Pepper-up Potion to his lips. Once Remus was done, he laid back down, closing his eyes and falling back to sleep instantly.

After that, the evening had passed with Severus and Harry quietly playing muggle card games in the living room as Remus stayed asleep well into the night.

Tearing himself away from his thoughts, Severus gently placed a hand on Remus' forehead. He still felt very warm. Severus didn't want to wake him for another dose of Pepper-up Potion, deciding it can wait till morning.

Severus closed his eyes, burying himself in Remus' hair and inhaling his scent. He was trying to get himself to fall asleep, but the memory of Remus' cries were still echoing in his head… I don't want to go back to the dark place!

I'll do everything in my power to keep you in the light… was Severus' last thought before finally slipping into a dreamless sleep. And when Severus awoke the next morning, he found tired and fever-glazed golden eyes staring back at him.

"Remus," Severus whispered, gently reaching out and feeling his forehead. "You're still very warm… How are you feeling?" Severus combed his fingers through tangled golden and grey locks.

"Like I got whipped by the branches of the Whomping Willow," Remus answered, his voice sounding rough.

"You've got a terrible fever," Severus said as he pulled himself to a sitting position. "Can you handle some toast and tea in your stomach?"

"No, I'm really tired," Remus whispered. "Can I just have some water?"

"Okay, but if I make some tea with a dose of Pepper-up Potion, would you drink it?"

Remus nodded.

Severus got out of bed, shivering slightly from the cold morning air. He pulled on his bathrobe before starting up a fire, the flames immediately warming up the bedroom.

"Can I have another blanket?" Remus asked as he watched Severus.

Severus picked up a burgundy woolen blanket and covered Remus with it, bending down to kiss him, but Remus turned his head away. Severus' stomach clenched with hurt, but he didn't show it.

He's not himself right now, he's not feeling good… He's ill….

"I don't want to get you sick,'' Remus only said with his voice cracking. He cleared his throat.

"And if I did, then that kiss would've been worth it," Severus said, his voice coming out a bit tense as he handed him the glass of water from the night table. Severus watched Remus gulp it down before leaving to the kitchen to start the tea kettle.

Once Severus returned, he found Remus drifting off back to sleep. He sat on the edge of the bed, placing a hand on Remus' side and gently nudging him awake again.

"Don't go back to sleep yet. I need you to drink this. It'll make you feel better."

Remus opened his eyes, slowly sitting up and taking the tea. He didn't say a word as he slowly sipped at it. Severus could feel the tension in Remus, the depression that still had its hold on him, making Severus remember the nightmare last night.

Once Remus finished his tea, Severus was able to get him to take off the winter robes in exchange for a third blanket and change his jeans into more comfortable pajama pants.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmares last night?" he asked, once Remus was finally settled back into bed, looking pale from all the movement.

"No, I just want to go back to sleep…" the wolf muttered.

Severus ran a hand through Remus' hair, moving the strands away from his eyes. He felt him stiffen, causing Severus to sigh. "I'm not going to hurt you, Remus. There's no need to fear my touch."

"I know… I'm sorry… I just can't help it…"

"It's okay…"

"Severus… Forgive me, but I want to be alone right now…"

"Alright, I'm going," Severus said, taking a deep breath, trying not to let this request get to him. He's just not feeling well… He isn't himself right now… "Just call me for anything, okay?"

"Okay..."

Doing as requested and not saying anything more, Severus stood up and left the room. He was trying his best to be patient, to be understanding as he made his way to the kitchen. Severus needed a glass of wine to soothe the hurt he felt from Remus rejecting his kiss, for flinching from his touch and sending him away.

Remus just needs another day… He just needs his space right now. He still loves me, even though he hasn't exactly told me yet, but I could feel it from him, I've felt it… He'll be better soon and he'll want me around him… Just a day or two more…

And oh, no matter how much Severus repeated those words to himself, he couldn't help but long for the Remus he fell in love with. The one who sat with him in that courtyard on the bench, kissing in the snow. Severus leaned against the counter. After looking through the cabinets he realized he'd hidden away all of the alcohol. So Severus brewed some coffee instead, knowing that it wasn't nearly as strong enough.

.

.

"Severus, I don't think I like ice-skating," Harry said.

"Come on, just step onto the ice slowly. Grab my hands."

Dressed in his winter robes, his Slytherin scarf and wearing black ice-skates, Severus stood on the bank of the frozen lake. Harry was just on the shore, wearing Remus' old snow jacket and the ice skates Severus had bought for him at the muggle village. The day was nice with a bright-blue sky and fluffy white clouds that promised another snowfall later. The air was cold with a fresh icy scent combined with the smell of pine from the forest around them. After breakfast, Severus had decided to take Harry out ice-skating, just to get out of the house and enjoy each other's company. And also Remus could have some space to be alone and rest. Severus pushed away his resurfacing hurt at the thought of Remus telling him to go, of the way he turned his head away refusing Severus' kiss.

"Come on, Lily and I used to skate on the frozen lake at Hogwarts all the time during the first few years. I haven't done this since, but look how quickly it came back to me. It's easy muscle memory and balance. Sort of like flying," Severus said, forcing his mind to stay on the ice with his son.

"I think I prefer just staying on normal ground. This is definitely not like flying."

"Come on, Harry, I won't let you fall. Remember, you got to trust me, kid."

Harry still looked hesitant.

"If you step on the ice, I'll help you until you get the hang of it. Then I can teach you a few ice games your mom and I used to play."

"Okay, fine," Harry huffed. Severus smiled, he knew Harry wouldn't be able to resist the idea of playing games on the ice. "Grab my hand, and don't let go for any reason, okay!"

"I won't," Severus laughed, reaching out and taking Harry's gloved hand as he stepped onto the ice. His feet were unsteady, but Severus held on, not letting Harry fall.

"Remember, it's like keeping your balance on a broom."

Harry stumbled a bit as they skated further out onto the ice. "Don't let go!" he shouted, his voice sounding panicked.

Severus tightened his hold. "I'm not, son."

They skated around the lake together slowly a couple of times, until Harry started to get the hang of it. He finally allowed Severus to let go of his hand and skated forward on his own. Severus stopped to watch him, feeling proud of Harry for learning something so quickly, even after he was afraid at first to try. It distracted Severus from the emotional turmoil Remus had caused inside of him. Harry then turned around and suddenly slipped, landing on his back.

"Harry!" Severus shouted, skating fast towards his son. Once he reached Harry, Severus skidded to a stop, accidentally showering Harry with a spray of shaved ice from his blades. Harry was lying on the ice, his green eyes shining with laughter as he threw out an arm for Severus to take. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, show me the games!" Harry laughed. Before Severus knew it, Harry was back on his feet and skating small slow circles around Severus.

They spent the rest of the afternoon skating and playing the games Severus and Lily used to play when they were children. After that first fall, Harry wasn't afraid of falling anymore. He fell several more times, laughing each time Severus helped him up. And when the sun began to set, and Harry started to entertain himself by trying to do tricks much to Severus' paranoia and annoyance that he may break his neck, he decided it was time to return to the cabin. Severus didn't want to leave Remus alone for any longer than he had to, even though he had a feeling Remus was still in his fever and depressive induced sleep.

"Severus…" Harry asked, he was sitting at the table with a bowl of chicken soup in front of him. Molly had sent Harry home with a giant pot of it. It was bound to feed them for days.

Severus had returned to the kitchen from checking in on Remus, his head and heart reeling from the state he found his boyfriend in. And Severus was thankful of the fact that he had the idea to hide all the alcohol away, hoping Remus hadn't the energy to search the cabin while he and Harry were gone during the day.

When Severus entered the bedroom, he found Remus curled up on his side, wrapped in a cocoon of his three blankets. His bloodshot eyes were staring into the fireplace. Severus called him a couple of times but he didn't reply, he seemed lost. And Severus had to force himself to not enter Remus' mind with Legilimency to figure out what was going on in his head, to pull him out of this depressive state he was in.

Severus gently sat on the bed, placing his hand tentatively on Remus' shoulder.

"Remus?" Severus said softly once more. This time Remus broke out of his trance, his golden eyes landing on Severus with a hint of confusion.

"How are you feeling?"

Remus' eyes traveled back to the fireplace, not saying a word. Severus sighed in defeat and handed him the chicken broth mixed with Pepper-up Potion.

"I'll leave you alone as soon as you drink this."

The negotiation worked. Remus took the mug and drank what he could, then quietly handed it back. Not saying anything other than a quiet thank you and was fast asleep as soon as Severus stepped out of the room.

"Yes, son?" Severus asked as he served himself a bowl and sat across from Harry.

"Is Remus okay?"

Severus wasn't at all surprised with the question. Harry had silently watched Severus prepare the potion and broth for Remus as he served himself his soup and sat at the table.

"Yes, he's asleep, he has a fever. It was very cold in the shack."

"He's not just sick…"

Severus shook his head.

"He must be exhausted to deal with the aftermath of his change and then to fall ill. I hope he feels better tomorrow. I miss him."

"I do too…" Severus looked up at Harry's sad expression. He wanted to change the subject. He didn't want Harry to worry over Remus, and Severus craved a distraction from the pain in his heart from seeing the state Remus was in. "Hey, how about some muggle board games after this or we can watch that muggle film you're oddly obsessed with, Back from the Future?"

Harry smiled. "It's Back to the Future… And no, it won't be the same without Remus. It's fun nerding over that movie with him and eating snacks. You don't understand it, you're too out of touch with the muggle world, dad."

Severus watched as Harry dunked a piece of bread into his bowl, processing over what he'd just said. "Is Remus the fun dad?" he scowled.

Harry shrugged as he chewed his food, not confirming anything. Severus scowled again. "I can be fun…"

"Okay, then let's play Battleship," Harry said.

"No, I don't understand that game."

Harry laughed. "Fine, let's just play chess. None of the muggle games aren't as fun without Remus around anyways."

"That's because he's not here to help you gang up on me," Severus scowled.

Harry laughed in return. "You're an easy target, Sev!"

"Merlin!" Severus sighed with exasperation.

"Dad…" Harry grinned. "You're right… Remus is the fun dad."

Severus scowled for the fourth time and threw a piece of bread at his bratty son. Overcome with laughter, Harry ducked, but not in time and the bread hit him on the side of his face.

.

.

The evening passed with a few rounds of chess. Then Harry started his winter homework, his books all spread out in front of him on the floor in front of the fireplace. Severus lounged on the sofa, reading and helping Harry whenever he had any questions. Once Harry was done, Severus thought it was a good time to finally bring out that cardboard box and talk about all the old artwork it contained, even though he wished Remus was well enough to join them.

"How about some hot butterbeer?" Severus asked, getting up from the sofa and stretching out his stiff muscles from sitting so long.

"Yeah, thanks, dad!" Harry said as he began to close up his books and roll up his scrolls.

When Severus returned, Harry was still sitting in the same spot. His school stuff was all packed away and set to the side. Severus sat beside him, handing him a mug. The cardboard box was tucked under Severus' arm.

He watched Harry take a tentative sip, before drinking his own.

"Harry, I have something for you," he said, handing his son the box.

Harry's eyes widened as he set down his mug on the floor beside him and took the box from Severus. "How did you find this?!"

As Severus said his answer, he watched Harry open the box and rifle through his old artwork. "In your cupboard. Where do you think I got the drawing that's on our icebox?"

Harry whipped his head towards Severus, his face suddenly looking a bit pale. "You went back to Privet Drive?"

"Don't worry, kid, the Dursleys weren't around," Severus said, guessing correctly the reason why Harry looked so nervous.

With those words, Harry's demeanor changed. "You broke in?" he grinned. "Huh… Maybe you can be fun…"

Severus frowned. "That isn't the point. I want to talk about some of these drawings, starting with these two." He pulled out the first two drawings he'd found from his pocket and unfolded them.

With all mischievousness gone, Harry's face paled again at seeing them. "I don't want to talk about those…" he muttered.

Severus creased his eyebrows at his son's words. "Why not?" he asked.

He only shook his head, his eyes staring down at the cardboard box resting on his lap.

"Harry, it's just me. Remember you were going to try your best not to close up. Forgive me for pushing this on you, but I figured since your wall is down now, it might be time to start discussing these."

Harry didn't say anything right away, just kept his eyes on the box. His nails were digging into the sides.

Seeing the anxious fidgeting, Severus waved his wand. Accio, Marker. And the small muggle writing tool landed softly in his hands. He handed it over to Harry.

He silently took the marker and popped off the cap and started writing thin lines on his wrist. It was silent between them. Severus stayed sitting beside Harry, every now and then sipping his hot butterbeer. The cackling flames and the ticking of the clocks were the only things heard in the cabin.

Then finally Harry took a deep breath, and said so quietly, "Can I see those?" Severus would've missed his words if he hadn't been waiting for them so patiently. Not saying anything at all, Severus handed the drawings to him, letting Harry take in and process his old childhood artwork.

"I remember these…" Harry muttered.

Severus reached over and pulled the drawing that featured a young Harry with his parents in the sky on top of the other one. "Can we talk about this one first? Do you remember what you were feeling when you drew this?"

Harry shrugged.

"Do you want to at least tell me why you drew this? Do you remember why, son?"

"I was locked in my cupboard for weeks," Harry finally said. "There was nothing else much to do but draw on the old pieces of paper and broken crayons that I found in the boxes of Dudley's old things."

"Why were you locked up for so long? What happened?" Severus asked.

Harry shook his head. "It was stupid…" he muttered.

"Son, look at me," Severus said softly. And Harry looked up, his green eyes bright with unshed tears. "You know this is a safe place. You know I won't judge you for anything you have to say or for what has happened, no matter how stupid you think it may be. Remember, it's all in the past. You won't ever have to see them again. They can never hurt you like that again, do you understand that?"

"I do… It's just hard to talk about it…"

"I know… Just take your time, okay, I'm here listening."

Harry nodded, staring at the drawing for a few more moments, until he finally began to talk. "I was being chased by Dudley and his gang at school. I somehow ended up on the roof of the school cafeteria. I meant to jump behind the trash cans to hide. I was as shocked as everyone else. I didn't know how to explain how I had gotten up there, except that maybe the wind caught me mid-jump… My aunt and uncle were livid, they knew… They knew it was my magic, but I didn't know it at the time. They made me out to be a hooligan, a freak… I was beaten and then locked up for the whole of my school suspension. I was there for so long, only allowed to use the restroom in the mornings and evenings before bed. They only gave me a slice of bread or a can of cold soup with a glass of water every few days when they remembered I was in there. I really thought I was going to die in that cupboard and they wouldn't even know… And I think when I drew this, I was accepting that possibility, cus it meant that I could finally escape that place and be with them…" Harry stared down at the drawn figures that represented Lily and James Potter.

"It was your accidental magic, not at all your fault. They had no right to get that upset with you, to make you feel like you were a freak. They should've sat you down and explained what was going on, not shut you away and treat you like you were mental. You know that, don't you, Harry? You didn't deserve that sort of treatment."

Harry only shrugged as he picked up the marker and continued drawing lines on himself again.

"No one believed me when I said I didn't know how I got up there. They said I was a freak. Trapped in my cupboard, I kept replaying that moment over and over in my mind on how I could possibly get up on the roof so fast, but I couldn't find an explanation… It made me feel like I was going mental. It made me feel like they were right, I was a freak… And then once I had to go back to school, I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone.

Dudley and his gang always kept an eye on me. Then I'll come home after school and Aunt Petunia would make me stand in the mirror for hours until it was time for me to make dinner or do some chores… Then I was locked up all evening alone with my thoughts… Wondering if I deserved this, and would it be better if I just died here... Would they even care or even notice? I remember feeling like I just wanted to disappear…"

Severus sighed at what Harry had finally admitted, it was heartbreaking, it really was. And he was almost glad he hadn't known this story until now, glad that the Dursleys weren't home the night he had found the box of old artwork. Severus probably would've lashed out at them with anger that would surely land him in Azkaban. Then he realized his hands were shaking. Severus took several deep breaths to calm himself down. He had to remain calm for Harry.

"Was this the first time you started to have suicidal thoughts?" Severus finally got himself to ask.

Harry nodded his head once. His body was shaking from revealing so much, from feeling the old pain that he had long ago buried behind his wall. And Severus was so proud of Harry for being brave and talking about it, for facing that childhood pain.

"Harry, I just want to say first that I'm proud of you for telling me this. I know how painful it is for you to do that. And this doesn't make you a freak at all. Underage magic is normal among wizarding children. If you would've grown up in a wizarding household, that incident would've been celebrated, a bout of underage magic confirms you're a wizard and set for Hogwarts. You were in fact very normal, your relatives just didn't understand you."

"Exactly, I was normal, but they made me feel like I was crazy… Like I was a freak who needed to be locked away and hidden. And it hurts that they knew this whole time what it was… That I was in fact telling them the truth… They knew but they led me to believe I was a freak. How could they do that to a little kid? Why couldn't they just tell me?" Harry asked, his voice cracking with so much hurt, and a few tears slowly trickled down his cheeks. Harry wiped them away, his eyes on the dancing ember flames.

"They are terrible people, Harry. And all of this was on their part. It was wrong of them to handle your underage magic like that. To isolate you and encourage their own kid to bully you… You're right, they should've just told you, and you did everything you could to make them love you… I could tell you were such a loving and good kid because they kept hurting you over and over, and yet you still gave them chances they didn't deserve… And, Harry…" Severus gently grabbed Harry's chin, turning his head up so he could look at Severus as he spoke. Tear-filled green eyes met Severus' own. "I would care if you suddenly disappeared, and that goes for Remus as well. We'll never stop searching for you."

Harry didn't say anything. He only held Severus' gaze. Severus wiped his tears away with his thumb before finally letting go of Harry's chin. Harry looked down and examined the next drawing, the one with the monsters in the shadows.

"I remember this drawing…" Harry muttered. He reached up and massaged his shoulder, the one that he said was pulled out of the socket by his uncle. "Ever since that night, I was so afraid of Uncle Vernon coming to my cupboard."

"Is your shoulder hurting you? Madam Pomfrey checked it and said it had miraculously healed properly, perhaps due to your underage magic at the time. The pain must be in your head."

"I know…"

"I've been meaning to ask you about the drawing on our icebox. The motorcycle looks a lot like Hagrid's. What inspired you to draw that?"

"I had a dream of a flying motorcycle not long before I got my first letter to Hogwarts. I told Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia in the car. Uncle Vernon was so upset, he'd almost crashed. Then he shouted in my face that motorcycles don't fly." Harry huffed with annoyance. "Anything that was magical or deemed non-ordinary always freaked them out. They always tried to shield me from stuff like that as best as they could, as if I would get ideas or something."

"Interesting…" Severus said. Could this dream be based on memory? What would cause Harry to dream of a flying motorcycle, especially when he was a kid that wasn't exposed to anything of the sort?

"Can we go through the rest, I haven't seen my art in so long."

"Yes, of course," Severus said with surprise at Harry's sudden cooperation. "You know you were rather good at drawing for a kid, you should start again."

Harry briefly looked at Severus, thinking about his suggestion, then shrugged. "Drawing is for kids," he muttered as he continued to rummage through the box. He then pulled out a drawing of a black dog. "I feel like this might be Padfoot." Harry smiled with nostalgia. He handed the drawing to Severus.

Severus observed the drawing, admiring the potential of it. And again it was strange that Harry had drawn things of his past before the Dursleys. There was no way he could remember the way his parents looked or of the flying motorcycle that took him to Privet Drive or of a black dog. All this had happened when he was a baby.

"What made you draw this?" Severus asked.

"I don't remember… Maybe, I had a dream?"

"Hmmm… It seems like your subconscious held onto memories when you were a baby."

"Is that weird?" Harry stopped rifling through the box to look at Severus.

And seeing the sudden fear in his eyes, Severus shook his head, deciding to not make a big thing of it, because it was extraordinary, it really was, but Severus had a feeling Harry wouldn't see it that way. It would just be another thing that made him stand out. Severus thought it was a good thing, but with Harry's past, he would only see it as something negative.

"No," Severus only said.

"Well what about this one?"

Harry handed Severus a drawing with just green.

"What is this supposed to be?"

"I dreamed of a green light. I thought perhaps it was something I was remembering about my parents. But at the time I had thought they died in a car crash, so I wasn't sure if this light was part of it. Do you think I was dreaming of the killing curse?"

"It's possible…" Severus said, this drawing proved his theory even more.

"Can we finish this later when Remus is around?" Harry asked.

"Of course, son, we don't have to go through it all in one night." Severus stood up. "Come on, let's close off your mind. It's time you get some sleep, Christmas Eve is tomorrow."

"We were supposed to have my friends over for a day of snow sledding on Christmas Eve. Do you think Remus remembered? There's no way he'll be okay for that, will he?"

"Tell you what, if he isn't well by tomorrow, you can still have your friends over. You can play Quidditch outside and show them Back towards the Future."

"It's Back to the Future!" Harry laughed.