Chapter Eighteen - I Want To Start Healing

Warning: Adult Sexual Content, Mentions of Suicide and Depression and Cursing

The light of the rising sun was just coming up from behind the hilltop, and it was so close… Close enough that it chased away the lingering cold deep in his bones. After running for so long, Remus was finally coming out of the dark forest. He knew this was it. He was going to reach the rays of the sun that were so bright, it caused him to blink his eyes, and he could just make out a silhouette of the dark wolf. Remus forced his tired paws to keep going. It took every bit of strength in him to keep moving forward, to finally leave the darkness behind. And Remus realized he no longer felt Kaylie's icy-cold presence. It gave Remus hope that finally allowed him a spurt of speed and he howled with longing at the mysterious wolf to wait for him.

I'm coming! Don't go!

There was a howl in return that almost stopped Remus in his tracks, it didn't come from up ahead, the direction of the black wolf, it came from the right of him just beyond the undergrowth of the forest. Turning his head slightly, Remus tried to catch anything moving in his peripheral vision. Rustling was heard again, this time causing Remus to stop. An auburn she-wolf suddenly stepped out from the darkness of the forest. Remus backed away, his fur standing on end, not sure who this wolf was or if he could trust her. He stiffened his muscles, standing his ground as she stepped closer to him. She touched her nose to his own and Remus was peering into her amber eyes. She stared back at him with a familiar look of determination.

Those eyes were so familiar, Remus' heart ached in his chest.

Kaylie, is that you? But you're different… Not at all the cold spirit that has been haunting me….

The she-wolf stepped forward and pressed her pelt against Remus' own, as if she were confirming his theory. He just felt a sense of peacefulness and forgiveness coming off her in waves, that everything was okay, and the darkness behind Remus fell away. He looked around, admiring the sudden change. The forest was beautiful again. And all that was left were just a few more steps and up the slope, to the wolf that waited for him. The one Remus had a strong feeling might be Severus.

Kaylie whined, nudging him forward, and Remus didn't need anymore coaxing. He sprinted ahead with a renewed energy. Kaylie ran just behind him offering her silent support. Remus didn't understand this sudden change, but he'll take this version of her over the haunting spirit she was before.

Remus was so close, his paws just landing on the edge of the slope. The black wolf was standing just over the top, waiting for him.

Then Remus was suddenly awake and drenched in sweat with the blankets tangled around him. He turned his head towards the window. The sun was just rising and the songs of the morning birds filled his ears. Remus couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed that he had woken up so suddenly, especially when his reoccurring dream had finally begun to change. He wanted to know what would happen when he finally climbed up that slope and reached the sun, when Remus finally stood beside that mysterious black wolf.

And that unfamiliar she-wolf with the auburn pelt and amber eyes, was that Kaylie? But how could it be? She was always in Remus' dreams as an angry and resentful spirit, always so cold with hate-filled red eyes… This time she wasn't the haunting presence she had been for months. Perhaps that was never Kaylie and Severus was right. Kaylie's ghost could've just been a figment Remus' guilty conscience had made up for being the one to survive. Maybe that wolf was Kaylie's true spirit, telling him it was okay. There was just something about those eyes and the comfort and peace that washed over Remus as he remembered the auburn wolf pressing her pelt against him. Was that really her spirit or was Remus finally accepting her death as something he had no control over?

Am I finally letting you go or is this your blessing? Your way of telling me it's time to accept your death? What does this mean?

With these thoughts churning over and over in his head with no clear answer, Remus sighed in frustration. He pressed the back of his hand against his forehead to find his skin feeling cool and clammy. His fever must've finally broken. Remus turned over to find Severus sleeping beside him, making his heart melt at the sight of him. Severus looked so worried, as if he'd fallen asleep watching Remus.

Remus curled up next to Severus, placing an arm around his waist and burrowing his face in the crook of his neck. Remus breathed in his comforting and familiar scent, hoping that Severus could somehow feel Remus holding him in his sleep, letting Severus know he was back, he was okay. And now Severus didn't have to worry anymore. He could continue sleeping peacefully.

Sharp claws of guilt tore at Remus' heart. He didn't mean to worry Severus. Remus hadn't wanted Severus to see him like that but there was no way of hiding at the cabin like he would usually do at Hogwarts. The past few days were a bit foggy. Remus couldn't remember anything clearly, just bits and pieces and a jumbled timeline of things that made him cringe with embarrassment and mortification. How could he have pushed Severus away like that? Flinching from his touches, rejecting his kisses, pleading for him to go. And the one thing Remus couldn't stop thinking about was the way Severus had looked at him with hurt clouding in his dark eyes.

He probably thinks I don't love him!

He felt his heart break at the thought and he held Severus tight. He hated that he had hurt Severus that way, and Remus racked his brain for a way to make it up to him, to show his appreciation for the way Severus took care of him during the past few days. To show Severus how much Remus really did love him, even if he hadn't been able to bring himself to say those three words yet.

Remus continued to bury his face into Severus' neck, kissing his skin that was warm with sleep.

He hated that he had let the darkness in him take its hold with all of its terrifying memories of Greyback and the cellar, of Kaylie and her haunting nightmares. Of that suicidal thought he had woken up with just after a nightmare. Wishing he was in the sky, among the stars, far away from Harry and Severus….

Remus didn't want to let himself fall again. He had to be strong. It wasn't fair for Severus who would always be stuck taking care of him. Remus didn't want to be a burden to him. He didn't want their new relationship to start off that way. Severus would only end up resenting him. Remus was sure of it. It was how he started resenting Sirius, even though Remus clung on to his love for him as long as he could, even if it would've been better to just let him go.

Right now, Remus felt like his depression and trauma was buried deep inside once more, laying dormant until the next full-moon. And gazing at Severus' sleeping face, Remus vowed to try harder to fight it, to not let himself succumb to it again. It was not only for the sake of his new relationship with Severus, but also for himself. Remus wanted to be okay again, to love himself again. Also, for the fact that they were in the middle of a war and Remus, Severus and Harry would soon find themselves in the thick of it. Remus had to pull himself together. He needed to be strong again. And if not for those reasons to not let himself fall in darkness, then let it be for the most important one of all, his new family, Severus and Harry… Remus just couldn't be a burden to them… He wanted to live the rest of his life with them, strong, whole and happy.

And with that last thought, Remus felt like he had to get off the bed. He had to be productive today. He wanted to prove to himself that he could be okay again. He gently climbed out of bed, careful to not wake up Severus. And now that he was standing, Remus knew the first thing he wanted to do, now that he was finally out of bed for the first time in days. He wanted to take a shower. He knew he smelled ripe, like sweat and sickness. He quietly left the bedroom for the bathroom and stepped into the shower. Remus let the warm water wash over his body, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths.

And once Remus was out of the shower, and dressed in his favorite light-blue jeans and an oversized brown woolen sweater, Remus finally started to feel more like himself again. The fogginess in his head was gone. The heaviness on his shoulders was lifted. And to his surprise, Remus didn't even crave a glass of wine like he would usually do when coming out of his bout of depression after each full-moon. Remus just wanted coffee and something warm for breakfast. And because of that thought, Remus finally had an idea for Severus, but first he had to ask for his cub's help.

Remus opened Harry's bedroom door, finding him asleep in the small twin-sized bed. Looking around his old childhood bedroom, taking in the old wooden desk and all the old books and toys, Remus wondered if it was time to redecorate this room for Harry. He stepped inside, opening the curtains to let in the sunlight that was now climbing the sky. There were white fluffy clouds and the ground was covered with freshly fallen snow that was sparkling from the sun. It was a good day to be outside and Remus remembered his promised plan to Harry to have his friends over for snow sledding. Remus realized he had lost track of his days. How many days has he spent in bed since the full-moon? Did he miss Christmas? Christmas Eve? And guilt clawed up Remus' insides once more, wondering if he had let Harry down.

"Mmm… Dad?" a sleepy voice filled the room.

Remus turned around to see Harry tiredly blinking up at him without his glasses. Did he just call me dad or does he think I'm Severus? And Remus felt his heart melt with the thought of Harry calling him dad, making the guilt he felt worse. I can't be a mess anymore… I need to be here for my cub.

"Good morning, cub, I haven't missed Christmas now, have I?" Remus decided not to mention what Harry just called him. Maybe it was a mistake or maybe it wasn't and he'll say it again. Remus didn't mind waiting.

Remus watched Harry rub at his eyes before putting his glasses on. And finally seeing that it was Remus standing at his bedroom window, Harry leaped out of bed and threw himself into Remus' arms.

"Harry?" Remus exclaimed with surprise. His arms were full of Harry who was hugging him tightly. "Hey, it's okay, cub. What is this about?"

"I missed you, and we were worried about you. Especially Severus, even though he tried to hide it," Harry said, his voice was muffled against Remus' chest.

Remus hugged Harry closer to him and buried his face into his hair. "I'm sorry, cub. I'm sorry I've worried you like that. I'm gonna try to be stronger… I'm okay now, I promise…" he said softly, his voice cracking.

"It's okay, it's not like you can help it. I mean I understand depression and P.T.S.D better than anyone," Harry said as they finally ended the hug. "Just remember, no more disappearing, okay? You have me and Severus now, we need you and you need us."

And that statement tore at Remus' heart, strengthening his resolve to try and get better, to not let himself drown in his depression any longer. He really had to try.

"I know, Harry… I know…" Remus quietly nudged him, making Harry look up at him. "I actually need your help surprising Severus."

Harry smiled excitedly, giving his approval after Remus explained his plans on waking up Severus with breakfast in bed. But they had to be quick because Severus was known to be an early riser.

They decided to make oatmeal together. Remus found his mom's old recipe in her recipe box. Oatmeal with brown sugar mixed in and topped with freshly cut strawberries and cinnamon.

As Remus worked on the oatmeal, Harry chopped strawberries as he caught Remus up with the drama of his friends.

"So Ron and Hermione still aren't talking to each other?" Remus asked.

"No, I walked both of them to the train station right after term ended, then Lavender came and was all over Ron. Hermione literally just disappeared. Ron doesn't even want to be with Lavender. He keeps saying he's going to break up with her, but every time he gets the chance to, he ends up just snogging her!"

Remus shook his head. Harry's story reminded him of himself and Sirius. Dancing around each other, afraid to reveal their feelings, and hurting each other by dating other people.

"Don't worry, Harry. This thing between your friends, it won't last forever. Something will change and hopefully for the better."

"I hope you're right…" Harry sighed. "Remus, can I ask you something personal?"

"Go ahead, cub," Remus said.

"How did you and Sirius get together? You guys were obviously best friends first, how did you get from that to boyfriends?"

Remus smiled, feeling his face blush a bit at the question. "We were like Ron and Hermione to be honest."

"So there's hope for them," Harry smiled, sounding relieved. "Were you Ron or were you Hermione in your situation?"

"Hermione definitely… Sirius was just like Ron, just clueless to what was right in front of him and trying to snog as many girls as he could."

Harry laughed. "Go on, Remus, tell me how you two got together."

"Well, I started to like him around my fifth year. He had snuck into the hospital wing late at night. I was there because the full-moon had just passed. I was having a nightmare and Sirius woke me up. Now, Harry, you know how your godfather was like when he was that age. You've seen Severus' memory of him in the pensieve."

Harry sighed with disappointment. "Yeah, he was a git…"

"Not all the time though," Remus said, watching Harry look a bit put-out at the idea of Sirius being a bully. "Sirius had his moments. Your godfather wasn't perfect, but deep down he was a good person. He was a Gryffindor after all."

Harry smiled, glancing briefly at Remus before he went back to concentrating on his chopping.

"That night I saw it in him. He was so different from the way he'd acted around others. He was so sweet as he comforted me. It was a version of Sirius not everyone got to see but me…" Remus' cheeks blushed as he thought back to that memory of the hospital wing and how Sirius lifted up his chin, admiring the golden eyes of the wolf Remus couldn't hide. That color actually suits you and remembering that night, remembering those words and that crooked smile… It didn't hurt as much anymore. It actually felt nice talking about it to Harry. "He gave me butterflies that night for the first time, and since then I was hopelessly crushing on him."

"Oh no, Remus, and at the time was Sirius only into girls?"

Remus grimaced, "I was pathetic according to your mother."

"My mom knew?" Harry asked with surprise, putting down the knife in his hands. Done with chopping the strawberries, his full attention was now on Remus.

"She couldn't understand why I had fallen in love with Sirius Black, but she didn't know Sirius like I did. She only saw the version of him everyone else saw. You know, a bullying prick, disgustingly charming, overly confident and annoying… She was the only one who knew I was a gay as well. My friends didn't know until months later."

"And how long did you suffer until you guys finally got together?"

"A year… A year of my heart going mental every time Sirius looked at me or smiled that crooked smile of his, every time he called me his Moony. Everytime he brushed past me. Sirius would wreck me, and he didn't even know it. And the times I was alone with him, I was so full of nerves I couldn't think. Soon all of that began to make me mad, especially when it seemed like Sirius was flirting with me then he'd go off and flirt and kiss other girls. I couldn't be around him anymore. It hurt too much, and so I was always mad at him for something…"

"Just like Hermione is with Ron?" Harry said.

"Yes, exactly. Before the first full-moon of our sixth year, Sirius and I had gotten into a terrible argument. It was so bad we didn't talk to each other for weeks. He didn't even join us for the full-moon as Padfoot. When I woke up early the next morning after the change, he was there…and well we talked…and…"

"You kissed," Harry smiled.

"And we kissed," Remus repeated. "You can throw in those strawberries now."

As Harry mixed the strawberries in with the oatmeal, Remus brewed the coffee. It wasn't long until the house began to fill up with the comforting aroma.

"This should probably wake up Severus soon," Remus said.

Harry smiled at the mention of Severus and his addiction to coffee as he turned off the stove, then hoisted himself up onto the counter. He watched Remus collect a serving tray and some dishes from the cabinets for Severus' breakfast, then said, "Tonks was at the Burrow for dinner while I was there."

"Oh, how is she doing? I haven't spoken to Tonks since our performance. Did she seem upset to you?"

Harry shrugged. "She seemed a bit down. Ron said that Mrs. Weasley has the idea that you and Tonks should make an excellent couple."

Remus scoffed with disbelief at that insane idea, "Does she now?"

"She seems convinced that Tonks likes you. Don't they know that you don't exactly swing for Tonks' team?"

Remus frowned at Harry's words, thinking back to all the times he had hung out with Tonks, realizing a few signs that maybe… Maybe the idea of her and him together wasn't as insane to Molly or even Tonks as it was to him… And Remus realized he was Ron and Sirius in this situation, clueless to how Tonks felt about him.

Merlin, Severus was right…

But Tonks' wolf patronus wasn't the only sign… He realized the way Tonks always changed her hair and eye color to match his own. During the times they'd spent working on the song, Remus would always catch Tonks staring at him when she thought he wouldn't notice. And he suddenly realized all of her one-sided flirting. The way Tonks always found every little excuse to be near him, to lay a hand on him as they laughed and talked together. Remus had just shrugged it all away, thinking it was just how their friendship was. That they were the type of friends that hugged and called each other sweetie or darling. Remus guessed he was wrong and there was more to it than that.

He couldn't help but think of their performance, the way Tonks glowed as she looked at him as they sang. How happy Tonks was as they danced together all night. Then she must've seen Remus looking at Severus the whole time during their performance because that was when her mood started to change, and Remus just left her with not even a drink to celebrate. Remus hadn't heard from Tonks since, even though he was the one who promised to write.

Wow, I'm an asshole! Remus berated himself.

He had to talk to Tonks as soon as possible and clear the air between them. That Remus just wanted to be friends, nothing more. He never had that talk with Tonks before because she knew he had a past relationship with Sirius. Remus had assumed that Tonks knew he wasn't into women. Maybe she didn't want to assume anything? Maybe she thought I could still swing both ways and there was a slight chance for her?

"No, they don't… Ah fuck, I need to talk to Tonks, dont I?" Remus said, feeling incredibly embarrassed and stupid. How could he not have noticed her crushing on him? He suddenly remembered the way Tonks had brushed the snow out of his hair when they had met each other in the Three Broomsticks with a warm fondness in her eyes. How the fuck did I not notice that?

Harry only shrugged with sympathy for him.

Remus poured himself a cup of coffee and took a sip, letting the warmth of it wash over him.

"Remus?" Severus' voice was full of relief, surprising Remus. Suddenly strong arms spun him around, making him almost spill his coffee, and he found himself trapped in a tight embrace.

"Sev! Dammit, we were going to surprise you," Harry sighed with disappointment.

"I thought you'd left," Severus said softly, lifting up Remus' chin and looking into his eyes. "Your hazel eyes are back." And Severus kissed Remus so deeply, it made him lose all feeling in his legs. His heart stopped beating for just a moment as Remus melted into Severus.

As soon as they finally let each other go, Remus caught sight of Harry still sitting on the counter, trying to look anywhere but at them. His face was red with embarrassment, causing Remus to laugh. "I'm so sorry, cub!"

"If this is what it's like having parents around, then I guess I'm okay with all the mushy snogging," Harry muttered.

Remus beamed at the word parents.

Severus reached over and tousled Harry's hair with an apologetic smile. "Morning, kid."

"Morning, dad," Harry answered.

"So you were going to surprise me, huh?"

"Yeah, it was Remus' idea to make you breakfast in bed."

And now it was Remus' turn to blush with embarrassment as Severus turned his gaze back towards him.

"You were going to make me breakfast in bed?" Severus asked, managing to sound touched and amused at the same time.

Remus only shrugged, lifting up the corners of his lips a little as he sipped his coffee.

"Still a Marauder I see," Severus said fondly. He placed the back of his hand against Remus' forehead. "Your fever has broken. How do you feel, darling?"

Harry looked at Severus and then at Remus at the nickname, causing Remus to blush a bit more. He drank more of his coffee and then said, "Better than I've had in days… Sit down, Severus, let me and Harry take care of you for once."

Harry jumped off the counter and began to serve the oatmeal in three bowls.

"Okay…" Severus' eyes darted to Harry standing at the stove. "Let me get some coffee first..."

Remus turned around quickly, setting his own mug aside. He grabbed a clean mug from the cabinet. Pouring some coffee into it and handing it to Severus in record time. Severus' eyes narrowed at Remus as Harry laughed.

"Sit, dad, we got this," Harry said.

"Okay, fine," Severus said with defeat, taking a seat at the wooden kitchen table.

As Remus and Harry began to set the table together, they talked about their plans for the day to have the Weasley children over for snow sledding.

"Remus, I don't mean to spoil your fun with the kids, but you just got out of bed. Are you going to be okay out there in the cold, managing all those kids and sliding down hills?"

Remus was rummaging in the cabinets for the cinnamon as he answered over his shoulder, "I'll be fine, Severus. I need to go out, I've been cooped up in here for days. And it's a Christmas Eve tradition now, right, Harry?"

"Yeah," Harry said, as he took out the pumpkin juice. "Don't worry, dad, I'll make sure he doesn't over exert himself."

"Okay, but don't let it be like last time when Remus had that leg injury. If he so much as coughs, Harry, that is it for snow sledding."

Harry sat down at the table across from Severus. "You got it, Healer Snape!" he said.

"Harry!" Remus chuckled at his cub's bravery as he opened another cabinet. "Where's the bloody cinnamon?"

Severus didn't say anything in return to Harry's remark. He just rolled his eyes and sipped his coffee.

"This oatmeal already looks delicious. We can do without it," Severus said.

"No, it's part of my mom's recipe. I'll be back, I think there's some downstairs in the pantry."

"There's a pantry here?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, it's on the far left side of the cellar. I just had it restocked before we came here so we wouldn't have to go to the grocery shop too often… You know it's safer that we don't go out in public much these days."

"Remus…" Severus said with concern. Remus stopped to look at him before he opened the cellar door. He knew Severus was thinking of the cage.

"No, it's okay, Severus, I got it."

Severus only nodded in return as Remus unlocked the door and went downstairs, lighting the way with his wand.

As soon as Remus stepped off the bottom step, he sensed the remnants of magic. It was strange, no one ever went down there. Remus always kept the door locked. He didn't want Harry to see the cage. Glancing at it as he passed, the bars gleaming in the light, his memories of sitting alone there in the dark and the cold when he was a child swam to the forefront of his mind, but Remus shook them away.

The cinnamon… I need to get the cinnamon….

Remus made it to the pantry side of the cellar, right away finding the small jar and was just heading back upstairs when he felt the magic become stronger, just under the staircase. He pointed his wand at it, muttering a Revealment Charm. Hidden underneath the stairs was every bottle of alcohol that was in the cabin. And Remus realized why Severus was so concerned about him going down there. He didn't want Remus to find it.

Shocked, Remus stepped closer to the bottles, picking one up. Staring at the bottle, Remus realized he wasn't mad about this at all. He understood why… He completely understood why Severus had the need to hide all of this from him. Severus had grown up with an alcoholic father. He was probably afraid of Remus drinking with Harry in the house. And with the thought of Harry, he realized his cub had grown up with an alcoholic uncle. Remus didn't want to be like them, drinking and hurting their family. Or like Sirius, preferring to drink alone until he lashed out at the people who tried to help him. Remus didn't want to become like them. And the fact that Severus had to hide this… It was him saying that he didn't like Remus drinking to chase away his depression.

Remus couldn't help but remember Sirius drinking away his pain, as if it could fix all the broken parts of him, but it never did. All it did was bandage his open wounds, all it did was take away the Sirius Remus had loved. And feeling that hurt once more, the loss and the shame that he was going down that same path if he didn't change his ways that instant, Remus let the bottle slip out of his hand. The sound of broken glass rang around the cellar walls, and since the door was left open, the sound reached the kitchen.

"Remus?!" The sound of chairs moving and footsteps followed Severus' voice. "Harry, stay up here!"

Remus stayed where he was, too hurt to move. The darkness was suddenly weighing on his shoulders, heavy and suffocating.

"Dad…"

"Stay up here!"

More footsteps were heard and suddenly a gentle hand turned him around. "Remus, are you okay? What happened?" It was Severus, with the light from his wand gleaming in his obsidian eyes. They began to lift the heavy weight off of Remus, reminding him why he wanted to fight against his depression.

"I'm sorry, I dropped the bottle," Remus choked out with shock at what he'd done. He didn't mean to scare them.

"It's okay, we'll clean it right up," Severus said.

"Severus, I don't want to remind you of your father. I don't want to remind Harry of his uncle, and I don't want to turn out like Sirius, drinking away his pain. I don't want to be like that. I'm so sorry if I've ever triggered you or Harry."

And before Remus knew it, warm tears began to trail down his cheeks.

"No, no… Baby, it's okay," Severus said, wiping Remus' tears away with his thumb. "Harry doesn't even know about your drinking. You hid it well. As for me, I knew. I saw the signs, but you've never triggered me. It's okay, don't cry, darling."

"I'm so sorry, Severus," Remus could only say with more tears.

Severus kept wiping them away.

"It's the fact that you hid it all. It does trigger you. You could've just told me, but I understand. I'm not upset at you for it. I'm just sorry you felt like you had to hide this from me."

"Remus, I don't see you as anyone else but you. You're not like them, you're strong. The fact that you want to stop, that you admit that you have a drinking problem, they never did that. And you're right, I should've talked to you about your drinking instead of just hiding this away. How about we both stop drinking for a while? How does that sound?"

Remus' tears finally stopped. "You'll do that for me?" he asked.

"I'll do anything for you, wolf, don't you know that?"

Remus leaned forward, brushing his lips softly against Severus'. And he was just about to say those three words, I love you, but Severus spoke again.

"I do need to cut back on the wine, I think it's giving me a gut."

That statement caused Remus to chuckle, his face was still full of his drying tears. He ran his hands down to Severus' torso. His pajamas felt soft against the palm of his hands and his fingers. "No gut, here," he said, his hands stopping on Severus' hips, pulling him closer.

The corner of Severus' lips lifted up at those words.

"You know, I was drunk when I agreed to perform that song in front of everyone."

Severus snorted with amusement at his confession, "I had a feeling you might've been. There was no way you would ever choose to sing like that in front of a crowd. You're shy…"

"Dad, Remus?" Are you guys okay?" Harry shouted from the top of the steps.

"We're coming, just cleaning up the bottle I dropped," Remus called back.

"Scourgify," Severus said, the broken glass and spilled liquor instantly disappeared. "Come on, let's go enjoy the breakfast you made for me."

And just before Severus began to climb the stairs, Remus grabbed his hand, their fingers intertwining. And for a second he almost forgot what he was about to say, because he found himself lost in those beautiful dark eyes, like a starless night sky.

"Severus," Remus finally found his voice. "I'm tired of being broken. I want to start healing."

The day had passed quickly. As soon as breakfast was over, Harry floo called his friends over for snow sledding. Severus had spent his time at Hogwarts in his lab, using the excuse of not wanting to be around teenagers during the holidays. In truth, he wanted to check on his Animagus Potion, which was on hiatus until an electrical storm arrived. Severus also spent the day brewing potions for the beginning of next term and a few medicinal potions to restock Madam Pomfrey's potion cabinet. Once he returned home, the cabin was thankfully empty of redheads and there was leftover shepherd's pie in the stove, courtesy of Molly, waiting for him. Since it was Christmas Eve, Remus insisted that they spend the evening watching Christmas films. It was something he and his mom used to do. Harry was excited because he was always left out of holiday traditions, and this time he'll be included. Severus felt like there were better entertainments to spend their time with then melt their brains with muggle technology but seeing how happy this made Harry, Severus just went along with it.

And once the last film ended, Severus found Harry asleep on the sofa, curled up beside him with a blanket covering him.

"Remus," Severus whispered. "Look…"

Remus leaned over to see Harry sleeping on the other side of Severus, smiling at the sight.

"What do I do? I don't want to wake him," Severus whispered again.

"We can sit here for a while and let him sleep for a few more moments. He must be exhausted from the fun he had today."

Severus gently took off Harry's glasses and leaned over, placing them on the coffee table, trying his best to not jostle Harry awake. "He couldn't stop talking about snow sledding with you and his friends when I returned. You know he really loves you, wolf."

"And I love him just as much, he's my son," Remus said. "That's why I need to do better… This can't all fall on you. We're a team, and I've been a mess… That isn't fair to you."

Severus turned his gaze back to Remus, finding those hazel-green eyes. And Severus suddenly sensed an air of melancholy in the air.

The sadness was heavy in Remus' voice as he leaned over to Severus and said softly, "I really want to thank you for making sure Harry didn't see me so sick and depressed. I'm sorry I was such a burden the past few days, for being so distant and pushing you away. I didn't mean to hurt you or make you feel like I don't want you."

Severus sighed, his heart torn at what Remus had just said. Yes, it did hurt when Remus pushed him away. The past few days were indeed torturous, but Severus knew Remus hadn't meant to treat him so distantly. He couldn't help it… Severus couldn't hold that against him. "No, don't apologize. It isn't your fault, and I see that you're trying."

Remus leaned his forehead against Severus', his golden fringe tickling his nose.

"You know, Severus, the only thing that's keeping me afloat is right here. You and Harry."

"Remus," Severus choked out, thoroughly touched by those words.

"That's what made me drop the bottle in the cellar. I don't want to become like your dad, or Harry's uncle, or…or…you know…" Remus said. And Severus did. Remus was talking about Black, but he must be afraid of the slight chance of Harry being awake and hearing their conversation.

Severus leaned away from Remus to glance at his sleeping son beside him. "Harry doesn't know about any of that?" he whispered.

Remus shook his head. Harry suddenly shifted to a more comfortable position."Maybe we should talk more about this in private…" Remus whispered.

Severus nodded.

"What did you and Harry do while I was stuck in bed?"

"I taught him to ice-skate and I showed him the box of his old drawings. We had sort of a therapy session about it." And Severus explained the conversation he and Harry shared about them.

"Merlin, I've missed so much."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. Remember, you were sick as well."

Remus nodded as he intertwined his fingers between Severus' own, his gaze focusing on their hands. "Severus, I had this strange dream last night."

"Was it the black wolf again?"

Remus nodded. "Everytime I dream, I'm in my wolf form, chasing the light up ahead of me. And, I'm certain it's you that's there on the hill. I'm certain you're the black wolf, waiting for me, and the dark forest is just behind me with Kaylie's spirit whispering to me, haunting me."

The black wolf, Merlin. I hope my animagus form is that, Severus thought. He knew he would die of embarrasement if it was something like a bat or a snake or even a fucking rat.

"This time I was so close to you. I was almost there, then a she-wolf appeared. And I think it was her. I think it was Kaylie but it was so strange because when she appears in my dreams she's usually angry, a haunting spirit with red eyes and she's always so cold. This time it was different. I think it was really her actual spirit and not just a figment of my imagination. Does this sound crazy to you, Severus? I think she actually appeared in my dream last night."

Severus thought of the best possible way to answer. And it brought up the memory of Remus singing in his office and the way Severus felt Lily in that room. He was certain her spirit was there beside him as Severus tapped into the emotions Remus was pouring into his song, helping Severus to finally let her go.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

"No, it doesn't sound crazy at all," Severus finally said with Remus' song echoing in his head. "What did she do in the dream that made you think that?"

"She touched noses with me…" Remus said with embarrassment. "And her presence, it was comforting. And I just felt like she was trying to tell me she was happy and at peace, and that it was okay to let the guilt of her death go. She didn't say it, but I felt it… I don't know if this makes any sense or if that's even possible. Have you ever heard of spirits visiting people in dreams?"

"No, I have not, but it doesn't mean it can't happen. We do have ghosts in our world that refuse to move on. I think that means there's a possibility of spirits that have chosen to go, returning to visit us in the waking world and even in our dreams. There were quite a few times when I've felt like Lily's presence was around me and you've said so yourself you felt like Black was watching over you when you were in that cellar. I do believe it's possible and not at all crazy that Kaylie Porter's spirit has visited you."

"Do you really think so?" Remus asked.

"Yes, of course I do."

Remus sighed heavily with relief at Severus' answer, then said, "When I woke up, I was so confused from my dream, but the one thing that I knew for sure was that I felt like myself again, I haven't felt that in such a long time."

"I think Kaylie's presence in your dream freed you," Severus said, cupping Remus' cheek. "Do you feel like that?"

Severus watched the emotions on Remus' face as he thought about his answer.

"I think so… I meant what I said down in the cellar this morning. I'm tired of being broken, I want to start healing. Her death wasn't my fault was it? I think her presence finally showed me that."

And Remus' answer caused Severus' stomach to feel warm with relief to finally hear Remus accept that Kaylie Porter's death wasn't his fault. It was one step closer to recovering from the trauma Greyback had put him through. Remus was so different from the past few days, more like himself again. Severus could see how clear his mind was now. It was such a relief.

Severus' grip on Remus' cheek tightened, keeping his eye contact with Remus to make sure he understood what he was about to say. "There was nothing you could've done, nothing. I'm so happy you're finally seeing that. Greyback killed that girl, not you, he destroyed you in the worst possible way."

"And I let him," Remus said softly, his voice cracking with so much pain. "I let him…"

"Yeah, but be kinder to yourself, darling. The torture he put you through…it would've broken anyone."

"You're right, Severus."

"And now that you're finally seeing that, it's time to pick yourself up off the floor, it's time to pull yourself out of your own darkness. Don't let him win anymore." Severus brushed his lips against Remus' and continued, "You're going to get through this, Remus, with the help of me and our snoring kid over here… You're going to be happy and strong again."

And Remus smiled, it was so beautiful and full of hope, Severus couldn't help but kiss him again. They melted into each other, Severus' hand still cupping Remus' cheek. After several moments, they pulled apart just as Harry let out a long snort, causing them to laugh.

"Let's get Harry to bed. I know he's way too old to believe in Santa Claus, but I have presents for him that I want to put under the tree." Remus' hazel eyes gleamed with mischief at the chance of surprising Harry.

"I've missed you," Severus said softly. He really did. When he had woken up that morning to an empty bed, Severus had thought Remus had left. And to his relief, he found Remus in the kitchen, talking and laughing with Harry. Amazed at the sight, Severus stood at the doorway, unnoticed, watching Remus who was showered and dressed and drinking coffee. He was back. Remus was back to his old self, no longer the shell he was, lost in his depression and his body raging with fever. And when Severus turned Remus around, a jolt of relief went through him. It was so strong that it almost made his legs give out when he was met with hazel-green eyes like the forest. The ones Severus fell in love with. There was no trace of gold or fogginess in those eyes at all.

In response to Severus' soft words, Remus ran a hand through his hair, then cupped Severus' chin, bringing him forward. His eyes lingered on Severus' lips. "I think I owe you a kiss," Remus whispered. "Forgive me, Severus, for hurting you like that."

"It's all in the past," Severus whispered.

And Remus brushed his lips softly against Severus' own, kissing him slowly, kissing him so gently.

"Severus," Remus whispered against his lips.

Severus could feel his breath as he spoke.

"You're…you're my best friend…and I'm falling in love with you," Remus' voice mixed in with the sounds of the cackling flames, the soft snores coming from Harry and the ticking of the clock on the mantel, the sound of the heavy wind just outside. Severus was shocked at what he'd just heard. He'd been waiting, waiting for Remus to tell him those words.

"Remus, I love you too," Severus whispered back.

Their shared love hung in the air as Remus stood up and gently lifted Harry up. Severus followed behind him, watching as Remus laid their teenage son in his bed and covered him up with a blanket. Severus placed his glasses on the night table and was just about to turn off the light when Harry, half asleep and his eyes still closed, muttered, "Goodnight, dads." The smile on Remus' face was huge, his eyes watering a bit at the term.

They left the room, closing the door softly behind him. Remus right away began to place presents under the tree. Severus joined him, adding his own small pile from the Christmas shopping he and Harry had done together.

Once they were done they sat in front of the twinkling christmas tree, admiring their work, and talking about how excited they were to see Harry's reaction the next morning. Remus turned to Severus and said, "I think Harry's been calling me dad. At first, I thought he meant it towards you this morning, then right now he said dads."

"Harry really does love you, Remus. According to him, you're the fun dad."

"The fun dad?"

"Yeah, that's what he said." Severus pulled Remus close, burying his face into the crook of his neck. Covering the warm and soft skin with gentle kisses as he felt the vibrations of Remus' laugh.

"You're amazing, Severus. You know that, don't you?"

Severus didn't reply, he was too busy inhaling Remus' intoxicating scent, tasting his skin. Merlin, he really did miss this.

Remus arched his neck, giving Severus better access. "How about we get ready for bed?"

.

.

And before Severus knew it, he was lying in bed shirtless with Remus straddling him with his thighs, warm and strong. Severus loved the weight on top of him, making his member harden until his pajama pants felt uncomfortably constricting. He ran his hands over Remus' upper body, admiring the feel of his soft skin and the ridges of his raised scars, so beautiful and flawed. He could feel the fine hairs on Remus' body prickle from his touch.

"Merlin, I've missed you, baby," Severus said heavily.

Hazel-green eyes met his in the darkness of their bedroom and Severus was swept up in their depths. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to lose himself in Remus, to know and feel every inch of his body. His hands hestantantly traveled down to his butt and he looked at Remus expectantly for his approval. Remus nodded and Severus squeezed the soft cheeks, wondering how they looked. And yes he had briefly seen Remus naked before, but it was when Remus was barely conscious just after a full-moon change, and Severus never looked at Remus like that, always quickly covering him up to save him his dignity, but this moment was different.

Remus bent over and planted soft kisses on Severus' neck, making a trail up to his jawline and meeting him in a wet and desperate kiss, making Severus' entire body melt into him. Severus squeezed his butt harder and Remus let out a soft moan, causing Severus to then hold him firmly by his hips, thrusting his pelvis against him, feeling his erection rubbing against Remus' own between the fabric of their pants.

"Severus…" Remus whispered against Severus' lips, his voice full of longing and Severus couldn't believe it was for him. That he was wanted in this way. The memory of Remus shying away from his touch, from his kiss, was now just a ghostly thing of the past. They began to grind on each other fast and rough until they were both sweating and panting.

Remus pulled out of their desperate kissing and nuzzled his face into Severus' neck and hair. Severus could feel his breath warm against the shell of his ear, causing him to grip Remus' hips tighter, still keeping up with their rhythm as he heard a whispered, "I love you," from Remus, almost sending Severus to climax. He wasn't ready for this to end so soon, so he began to slow down. Remus began to suck at his neck, then trailed soft butterfly kisses on his chest, trailing down to his navel, then past it, stopping at the waistband of Severus' pants.

Out of breath, Severus watched Remus sit up, still straddling him. He straightened his back and fixed himself so his hard bulge was resting on Severus. Remus' pupils were fully dilated, Severus could barely see the color of his irises.

"Severus," Remus said softly, his voice full of desire with a touch of hesitation and longing. Severus' stomach flipped at the way his name sounded coming out from those swollen red lips.

"Can I show you how much I love you?" Remus' hand slipped inside Severus' waistband. He could feel Remus' fingers entangling with the hair underneath. The sudden intrusion caused Severus' breath to hitch, his heart beating so fast in his chest, he was afraid it would give out.

Watching Severus' reaction, Remus licked his lips with the tip of his tongue, inching his fingers closer until suddenly Severus felt himself being cupped. The gentle squeeze of his balls sent a lighting bolt through his body, and Severus had to remind himself to breathe.

"Remus…" Severus moaned, realizing what his boyfriend was asking from him. His stomach clenched with a sudden mixture of lust and desire and nervousness at the thought of trying something so new and intimate. And losing himself into those forest green depths, Severus knew he was ready for more than just rubbing against each other with their pants on. He wanted to feel Remus' naked body on his, his soft and warm skin touching his own. Severus squeezed Remus' butt at the thought, his hands then fingering the hem of Remus' pajama pants as well.

"Can I see you first?" Severus asked.

"Go ahead," Remus whispered.

Severus pulled down Remus' pants, his gaze hungrily taking in the sight of Remus' swollen erection in front of him. He carefully cupped Remus' balls with his hand, hearing Remus gasp at his touch, feeling his body tremble on top of his own. Severus glanced up to see Remus leaning slightly over, his bangs were covering his face, breathing heavily. He rested his hands on Severus' chest as Severus then wrapped his hand around Remus' erection, squeezing gently, working him.

"Is this okay?" Severus asked.

"Yes," Remus gasped.

"I want you to cum for me," Severus whispered.

Remus moaned, unable to say anything else as Severus tugged on him harder. Severus could see underneath Remus' golden fringe that his eyes were shut tight, his body quivering with pleasure. And he thought that Remus couldn't look more beautiful, vulnerable and sexy all in that moment. It shook Severus that he was seeing Remus Lupin this way, sitting on top of him, naked and becoming undone by Severus' working hand. The intense hatred Severus had once felt for this werewolf in the past was just so hard to believe now. It was a feeling that had now formed into a fiery passion that Severus never thought he would feel for anyone, least of all for Remus Lupin.

And suddenly Remus gasped.

"Yes, baby," Severus moaned, feeling Remus release into the palm of his hand, the white fluid felt sticky and warm. Remus melted like putty in Severus' arms, his warm breath panting in his ear, his face buried in the crook of his neck, and his now flaccid member was wet and rubbing against Severus' thigh as he held him, kissing Remus softly and breathing in his enticing scent of sweat and pleasure.

After a few moments of Severus holding him, enjoying the feel of Remus naked and undone in his arms and whispering sweet words of endearment with his own erection still rock hard, Remus finally climbed off of Severus and desperately pulled down his pants, then his boxers, leaving Severus completely naked. Severus watched Remus hungrily taking him in, loving the way his eyes seemed to glow with desire and curiosity, and Severus sighed with pleasure as he felt gentle hands cupping him. Severus closed his eyes, savoring the touch. Then without any warning, Severus felt something warm and soft envelope him.

"Oh, fuck!" Severus gasped, arching his back. He felt teeth grazed against his skin, causing him to thrust his throbbing erection deeper into Remus' mouth. Remus kept going, enduring the hard thrusts until Severus couldn't hold back anymore and he finally released himself into Remus' mouth.

"Remus!" Severus gasped, his body shaking as he lost himself in his orgasim.

And when it was over, leaving Severus breathless and sweaty, his limbs feeling as if someone spelled away his bones, Remus curled up beside him, covering Severus' face in kisses, whispering, "I love you," over and over. Severus wrapped his arms around him holding him tight, their bodies pressed together and intertwined.

"I love you too," Severus whispered, feeling more closer to Remus than he'd ever felt before, savoring this moment, and never wanting to let him go. And all the hurt that Severus had felt during the past few days had completely washed away.

A/N: Next update will be at the beginning of November, hopefully earlier.

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