Chapter Nineteen - Christmas At The Cabin
This chapter is for LunePrimus
Harry had awoken out of a dreamless sleep from the feel of soft feathers flapping over his head. He batted them away, then turned over and hid his face underneath his comforter as loud screeching ripped through the silence, making Harry groan out with annoyance.
Then it was quiet again. Harry was sinking back into sleep when screeching, louder than the first round, jolted him awake once again. He turned on his back, ripping his comforter away from his face with a huff of defeat, finally opening his eyes and was met with a blurry white shape on his pillow. He reached out blindly to his nightstand, feeling for his glasses. And once he had them on, the blurry white shape turned into Hedwig with her leg extended out to him. Her feathers were ruffled and her yellow eyes were wide with annoyance for keeping her waiting, but Hedwig still clucked her beak with affection as Harry unwound the tiny parcel from her leg, then gave her a couple of owl treats.
"A happy Christmas to you too, Hedwig," Harry said with exasperation to his owl. She hooted softly in return, followed by the sound of her beak crunching on her owl pellets.
As Harry watched his owl, he turned the tiny parcel over and over in his hand. A mixture of curiosity and nervousness suddenly formed in his stomach, causing him to feel sick. This had to be from the Dursleys. Who else would send him something like this? An unmarked tiny Christmas present wrapped in a muggle newspaper.
Harry's first Christmas at Hogwarts, away from Private Drive for the first time in his life, the Dursleys had sent him a muggle coin. Aunt Petunia must've known it was useless to Harry because the wizarding world used a different type of currency to pay for things, but still, it didn't stop Harry from being so shocked at the small gesture. The Dursleys had never given Harry a Christmas present before.
And in Harry's second year, they sent him a toothpick. Third year it was a thimble. Fourth year it was a tissue paper. Fifth year it was a coat hanger.
And there was never any note wishing Harry the best of holidays. The Dursleys never bothered to write to him, and Harry wasn't counting the couple of times they had written, only asking him if he could find out about staying for the summer holidays. Harry wondered why they even bothered sending him things at all. They never cared to pay any attention to him on Christmas. Forgetting that Harry existed was a holiday tradition at the Dursley household.
Hedwig ruffled her feathers, clicking her beak at Harry for more pellets. Harry smiled, running his fingers through her soft feathers. Then he realized the answer. It dawned on him like the rising sun outside his bedroom window.
It was Hedwig.
Ever since Harry had started attending Hogwarts six years ago, ever since Hedwig came into Harry's life, the Dursleys had also started sending him random household objects every Christmas.
"You know, Hedwig," Harry said with amusement. "You don't have to worry about me not getting presents on Christmas from the Dursleys. I don't need them anymore."
Hedwig hooted softly in return as if she were answering back, Harry wondered if she could understand him. She nipped at his fingers with affection then took off out of the open window, most likely to hunt before settling in her cage for the day.
Once Hedwig was gone, her white feathers blending in with the clouds and sparkling snow outside, Harry finally looked down at the small parcel, still hesitant to open it. What if this time there was a letter inside? And with that thought, anxiety of the unknown brought out the worst case scenarios in Harry's head.
Like, what if this was a letter from Uncle Vernon, demanding Harry to return for the summer holidays?
Harry couldn't help but remember the last time he had seen his uncle. Harry and Severus were out shopping in muggle London just before their camping trip. They had bumped into Uncle Vernon who was so angry at seeing Harry there, thinking Harry had run away and was now begging people for money on the streets. Uncle Vernon had tried to drag him back to Privet Drive, gripping his arm so tight he caused a terrible panic attack for Harry.
Was Uncle Vernon still angry at Harry for supposedly running away? Did he still want Harry back so he could continue being his punching bag?
Those questions made Harry's heartbeat speed up, until his breath started to come out in short gasps. Harry closed his eyes, trying to chase away his fear and anxiety. He didn't want to let himself fall into those negative emotions and memories of Uncle Vernon's fists connecting to every part of Harry's body, until he was black and blue with the taste and smell of iron clogging up his senses.
Harry tried to keep himself afloat, but he was failing… Drowning in his emotions, in his memories of those punishments… No abuse… It was abuse… Drowning… Drowning… Drowning… Turning the parcel over and over in his hand. Why bother to send him anything? Why? They never cared.
Could this perhaps be from Aunt Petunia? A letter full of confusing heartless apologies that victimized herself and made Harry out as the rotten kid who deserved every bit of mistreatment he had received in her house.
He remembered every Christmas morning with his aunt. Once the presents were done and it was almost noon, time to get started on the holiday feast, Aunt Petunia would finally let Harry out, only to scold him for wetting himself. Harry remembered the way her nose would always crinkle up at the sight of his wet clothes and the smell of urine, making Harry feel disgusting and humiliated with Dudley laughing at him and calling him a bedwetting baby. Aunt Petunia would dismiss Harry's explanation every time. That he really had to go to the bathroom… That he couldn't wait anymore. And he was sorry, sorry for not being able to hold it… And why did he have to be shut up in his cupboard for so long? Why couldn't they let him out just to use the bathroom? And it was always No questions! Aunt Petunia never wanted to listen to Harry. She would just throw the mop at him and make him clean up. Then Harry had to help her cook the feast. If he dared to burn anything or sneak any food, Uncle Vernon was there to make sure he didn't dare try.
Once dinner was ready and the savory smells of cooked ham, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts, freshly baked bread and homemade apple and pumpkin pie were all wafting through the house, causing Harry's aching stomach to growl, it was time for him to go back to the cupboard. Hidden and forgotten until the next day. And Harry would always put up a fight. He would beg for just the leftovers at least. That he would sit outside in the cold until dinner was over and everyone had left. That he didn't want to go back in the cupboard. He was hungry, he was scared. He didn't want to be shut up anymore… Uncle Vernon would just grab Harry and throw him inside his cupboard after a sound punishment.
"Stop whining! Rotten boys like you belong in the cupboard!" Aunt Petunia's words stung more than the beating Harry would receive from his uncle.
The guests would then arrive, and Harry wasn't allowed to make a singular noise with a promised loaf of bread if he behaved. They never followed through, but that promise still worked every year. Frustration at himself shot through Harry for being such a naive, little kid. His heart was aching at the memories and all the emotions tied to them.
Harry continued to turn the parcel over and over in his hand. It could be nothing… Just a useless household trinket… Just to get Hedwig to leave them alone. Because to the Dursleys, Harry was always nothing to them, just a waste of space. Harry's hands shook at the thought. He pocketed the parcel in his shirt pocket. He couldn't open it yet.
All those memories used to be hidden behind Harry's brick wall, protecting him from getting too lost in them. It kept Harry from revealing the most broken parts of himself to adults he couldn't trust, and to the people he cared about so that they wouldn't see the freak he really was, the freak the Dursleys had seen in Harry. The brick wall had indeed served its purpose… But now that it was knocked down and everything was out in the open to Severus and Remus, the memories and the emotions felt a hundred times stronger to Harry. His childhood pain, his fear, his punishments, his anxiety, his rejection, and not feeling good enough, not being heard, not feeling loved or a part of the Dursley's family… All of it was out and overwhelming.
And even though Harry was shaking, feeling the pain, drowning in the memories, knowing he was about to relapse… He was still glad that his wall had been knocked down, no longer standing, because he trusted Severus and Remus enough to try and talk to them. And thinking about them, Harry repeated to himself… No more cutting, no more closing up from them… I trust them… I trust them… No more cutting… No more….
It was hard… It was so hard to be strong, to not give in to the longing inside him to just find a sharp blade and press it against his skin. It was so hard for Harry to keep repeating those words in his head. Sometimes he just wanted to forget those words, those reasons to not give in. Sometimes he just wanted to rebuild his wall back up so he could hide behind it again and cut himself until all the bad feelings went away, until Harry no longer felt like he was drowning in all of his painful memories. Sometimes it just seemed easier that way, but Harry knew he couldn't. It was for the best that his wall stayed down.
Harry grabbed the purple marker his dad had given to him when he revealed to him a bit about his childhood Christmases, and Harry had started to feel triggered. Severus had given Harry the idea to use the marker.
He popped off the cap and pressed the inky tip hard against his skin. His breath was coming out in short heavy gasps. His body was shaking hard. Harry had to cut… He had to cut, but he couldn't give in. He couldn't disappoint his dad like that. He had to use the marker… Harry watched the purple ink bleed into his skin.
And when the feeling finally passed, the burning need to cut, it was like waking up from a trance. Harry frowned down at his arm full of dark splotchy lines. At least this was better than cutting and scratching. And when his body finally stopped shaking, and he was able to breathe normally again, Harry finally got himself out of bed.
.
.
The living room was cold. The fire in the fireplace had died out hours ago. And the cabin was quiet. Harry was the only one up. The Christmas tree, it was breathtaking. Harry hadn't expected to find it with its lights still on and to see beautifully wrapped presents underneath it. Since he started Hogwarts, Harry had grown accustomed to waking up with a pile of wrapped packages on the foot of his bed, delivered by owlpost from his friends. Harry never experienced Christmas like this before, and he felt his heart soften at the thought of his dads setting this up for him before they went to bed. So this was what Harry had been missing on Christmas morning when he was being locked up… Christmas morning….
Harry sat on the carpeted wooden floor, entranced by the twinkling tree.
The one thing Harry used to ask for every Christmas when he was a small kid who still believed in Santa Clause, was a family he could be a part of. Parents that loved him like how his aunt and uncle loved Dudley. A family that never made Harry feel forgotten or that there was something wrong with him. Every year he used to ask for that, until the Dursleys squashed that innocence right out of him. Their painful words went from Santa doesn't bring gifts for rotten little freaks like you, to there is no Santa Clause!
And Harry didn't really care for any of those presents under the tree. He already had his oldest wish granted. Severus and Remus, his two dads. His new family. Harry felt like he already had everything he'd ever wanted underneath this roof, well except for one thing… And he opened the Marauder's Map in his hands.
Draco wasn't in his dormitory. It was so early in the morning. Where could he be? Harry's eyes searched through the maze-like inked corridors on the map until he found with a sigh of relief, Draco's dot moving slowly around the Black Lake.
Harry watched the moving dot, wondering why Draco was out there walking alone. It must be so cold out there with the grounds covered in deep snow and the lake must be completely frozen over. Severus had said on the morning of the last full-moon, which was just days ago, that there was a big snowstorm. Remus had gotten sick from being in the cold and drafty shack all night long.
What was Draco thinking about as he walked around the frozen lake? Was his mind on his task? Or was he out there because he was feeling alone on Christmas? Could he perhaps be thinking about that night as Harry suddenly was?
The night Draco kissed him…
Did that kiss leave Draco wondering about boys, like it had done to Harry? Had Draco always liked boys or did he surprise himself as much as he surprised Harry that night? And, why did Draco kiss him? Did it mean Draco had feelings for Harry, maybe enough to kiss him? Or was Draco just being curious?
What did that kiss mean?
Those questions raced through Harry's mind. He wondered if he could ever like Draco that way, the way he had once crushed on Cho Chang. The way he was crushing on Ginny Weasley.
There was one thing Harry knew for certain, that those kisses that night felt different from kissing Cho. Kissing Draco had ignited a spark between them. A spark Harry never realized was inside him, waiting to be lit. And Draco had done just that, by placing his lips on Harry's.
And could that spark ever be turned into a flame?
The door to Remus' and Severus' bedroom opened. The sound of its squeaking hinges pulled Harry out of his confusing thoughts, and he turned his head to see Remus coming out, closing the door softly behind him. Remus was dressed in his flannel pajama pants and wearing an oversized, woolen sweater.
"Oh, it's freezing in here," Remus said. He then spotted Harry sitting in front of the tree. "Merry Christmas, cub! What do you think? Beautiful isn't it?"
"Merry Christmas to you too, I've never woken to a Christmas like this before," Harry said softly. His voice came out shy as he revealed that bit of information of his childhood. He watched Remus start up the fireplace, causing the room to feel warm and cozy.
Remus looked back and gave Harry a quizzical look. Harry moved his gaze back to the Christmas tree, avoiding his hazel eyes as Remus sat next to him.
Harry realized that he was seen through his careful words. As if Remus was sensing the residue of his triggered emotions the tiny parcel from the Dursleys had caused. The small weight of it in his shirt pocket suddenly felt as if it were burning a hole through the fabric. Harry wanted to open it, he wanted to tell Remus about it, but he was still afraid. His resurfaced anxiety caused Harry to finally break his control and he began to rub at his arms. He kept his gaze on the tree. Harry just wanted Remus to stop looking at him like that, like something was wrong with him.
"You know… This was your mother's favorite holiday," Remus said. "Do you want to know what she would do on the days leading up to it?"
Harry didn't answer Remus, his heart twinging at the information about his mom that he'd never known about.
What was mom like on her favorite holiday?
"Harry…" Remus said softly. "I had a feeling this day may be hard for you… Oh, the Christmases you would've had with her…"
Remus suddenly got on his hands and knees, moving the presents aside before crawling underneath the tree.
It broke Harry out of his feelings. "Um, Dad… uh, Remus… What are you doing?"
"Come join me, cub!" Remus was laying on his back, his feet sticking out.
Harry couldn't help but finally smile at the strange sight in front of him. He followed Remus, laying down beside him under the twinkling Christmas tree.
"Remus?"
"Just look up," Remus said, his hazel-green eyes dancing with mischief.
Harry did what he was told and looked up, gasping out with surprise. Above him were pine branches full of colorful twinkling lights. The scent of fresh pine was all around him. If Christmas was a physical thing, it would be this.
It was magic.
And of course, it was something his mom had found. She must've been magic. Harry's heart ached. He wished he hadn't been robbed at the chance to know her.
"Mom did this all the time?" Harry asked, his voice cracking just a bit.
"Yeah," Remus sighed, the sound of his decade old grief wasn't missed by Harry. "I'm sorry the Dursleys killed the holiday spirit in you. Hopefully today, Severus and I can make Christmas special like Lily would've wanted for you."
Harry continued to gaze up at the twinkling lights, and he thought of all the days he spent in the cabin with his dads, leading up to this day. Those happy memories of Severus teaching Harry to ice-skate, of Remus cooking oatmeal with him and the conversations they shared that morning… It chased away all of the triggering memories of the rotten Christmases he spent with the Dursleys.
"I think you guys already have," Harry said.
Remus smiled at those words and looked at Harry. "Do you want some hot chocolate?"
The thought of Remus' famous hot cocoa sounded nice.
Harry finally fixed his gaze on Remus. Shocked to see his hazel-green eyes swirling with concern, Harry felt bad for being the cause of it. He realized Remus had been distracting him the whole time from rubbing at his arms. He forced the corners of his lips upward. He wanted to be okay. It was Christmas with his dads, not with the Dursleys. Never again would he have to spend a Christmas like that… Harry had to try to be happy… He wanted to be happy…"That would be great," Harry managed to say.
.
.
Not long after, the cabin was filled with the aroma of chocolate and coffee. Once Remus came back out from the kitchen with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, Harry had resumed his previous spot on the floor. The map was open and on his lap again. Draco's dot was still moving slowly around the lake. Remus sat next to Harry and handed him a mug.
"Thanks, Remus," Harry said.
Remus waved Harry's gratitude away and asked, "Are you watching Draco?"
"He's walking around the lake. He's probably feeling so alone right now. Why couldn't he just accept our invitation?"
"He may need his space. Sometimes just knowing you're welcome somewhere can just be enough. Besides, we still have another week of holiday. There's still time for Draco to change his mind."
"You really think he might?"
"It's a possibility," Remus said.
Harry thought back to the morning he and Remus had talked about friends becoming something more, and his questions to Remus on how that had happened for him and Sirius when they were in school together. That conversation helped a lot. It had given Harry a bit of hope that maybe Draco wasn't lost to him yet, that their friendship was still there. That the spark between them could perhaps grow into a flame, even though Harry wasn't completely sure if he wanted that to happen. He wanted to confide in Remus about their kiss and what it could mean, but he didn't, even though Harry knew Remus would understand his confusion and curiosity about boys more than anyone.
It was something about that night, about those kisses, that made Harry find himself not wanting to share. He wanted that night to stay a secret between him and Draco. Something only between them in the dark and empty classroom. The salt of Draco's tears, the feel of his lips pressing against Harry's, and the way his tongue poked its way inside Harry's mouth with careful hesitation.
And yet, here was another chance for Harry to tell Remus what happened… Should he tell him? What would Remus think about this? Could he help Harry find the meaning of the spark? It was tempting…so tempting… Harry almost considered it, despite his feelings on keeping it a secret.
"Remus…" Harry began to ask.
"Yes, cub?"
Then Harry remembered how the sudden spark glowing between them seemed to be the only light in the room. Draco's blue-gray eyes as he asked Harry if he could kiss him again, and Harry still couldn't do it. The words got stuck in his throat. And maybe it was for the best that Harry held on to this secret a little while longer. It was too special… Just something between him and Draco.
Harry sipped his hot cocoa to stall for a bit of time. Remus' hazel eyes were still on Harry, patiently waiting.
"This hot cocoa's amazing! Is there peppermint in here?" Harry asked with surprise.
"Yeah, it's the Christmas recipe," Remus said, the corners of his lips turning up with amusement at Harry's reaction, taking a sip from his own mug.
Harry couldn't help but burst out laughing at Remus' answer. Taken aback for just a second, Remus laughed in return. Harry didn't blame Remus for the hesitation, he was surprising himself with his sudden bout of laughter.
Once they finally calmed down, Remus asked, "There's nothing else you want to tell me then? You seemed a bit lost in your thoughts when I came in here."
Harry shrugged, not really wanting to open up… But the comforting presence, the laughter Remus had brought to him, made Harry want to try.
"Come on, cub, what's going on?" Remus coaxed him.
Harry sighed with defeat. He folded up the Marauder's Map and placed it besides his mug on the floor in front of him
"I didn't cut, okay…" Harry said as he lifted up the sleeve of his left arm, revealing the inky mess on his skin.
Remus took Harry's arm in his hands. "Oh, cub… What happened?"
"Can we wait for Severus?" Harry asked softly as he pulled his arm away, pulling down the sleeve.
"Yes, of course we can. He should be coming out now, just hold on, Harry."
Harry only nodded, his eyes focusing down on his lap.
"Hey, cub…" Remus said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder, perhaps to get Harry to look at him. Remus' hazel eyes were searching for Harry's gaze. "There's nothing wrong with you, okay?"
And how did Remus know that Harry was struggling with that? How did he know that Harry was remembering the way the Dursleys made him feel every Christmas? That they used to call him a rotten kid, a freak, a bad kid who didn't deserve Christmas presents or to even use the bathroom or to eat? How did Remus know?
And without thinking, Harry wrapped his arms around Remus' waist, pressing the side of his face against Remus' chest to feel his beating heart. The softness of Remus' wool sweater gave off his warm and comforting scent. It began to put Harry at ease. He felt like he belonged… And that was everything….
Remus didn't say a word, he only held Harry tight in return. And Harry couldn't help but feel so grateful to have Remus as another adult he could trust, another father figure… Even if Harry was feeling too shy, too vulnerable, to truly accept that and start calling Remus his dad out loud. Harry appreciated the fact that Remus never stopped fighting for his forgiveness during the summer, never allowing Harry to push him away. Remus fought to stay in Harry's life. And how this morning, Remus had effortlessly taken away all of Harry's bad feelings by just being himself.
I love you, dad… Harry wanted to say….
"What's going on here?"
Harry and Remus ended their hug as Severus sat on Harry's other side.
"Go on, show him," Remus said gently.
"Dad… I didn't cut myself, okay…" Harry said, looking up at Severus who studied him with a concerned expression. Harry lifted up his sleeve again, revealing the inky mess on his skin.
"Harry…" Severus calmly said.
"I didn't cut myself," Harry said again, his voice shaking this time, nervous with how his dad may react. Harry didn't want Severus to be disappointed in him. "I wanted to cut, but I didn't… I used the marker like you said… I didn't cut myself…"
"Hey, hey, kid, it's okay… You're okay," Severus said gently, placing an arm around Harry's shoulders, pulling him close for comfort.
Harry tensed a bit at his dad's touch, but still managed to relax his muscles. He didn't even shake off Severus. He was really trying to stay calm… To not rebuild his wall and close himself up. Harry didn't miss the look Severus exchanged with Remus.
"I'm sorry…" Harry muttered, pulling his knees up to his chest, hugging them tight to keep himself afloat.
"For what? Harry, you have nothing to apologize for. You being triggered to cut isn't something you can help. I'm just glad you were able to take my advice and use the marker instead," Severus said. "Do you want to tell me what you were feeling this morning? Was it a nightmare?"
Harry kept his gaze down as Severus spoke. The thought of having to answer his questions almost made Harry break his control, to just give up and rebuild his wall… Then he realized what he was thinking and stopped himself, reminding himself that he wanted to be happy. And Harry repeated all the reasons why he wanted to stop cutting, to stop closing himself up, to stop hiding behind his wall… The list Harry had created for himself the last time they had come to the cabin after his last relapse.
"Harry, don't hide from us. Come on, we're here to listen," Severus coaxed patiently, giving Harry a gentle squeeze of support, then letting go, giving Harry space.
Harry let out a deep sigh, then pulled out the tiny parcel from his shirt pocket.
"Hedwig brought me this."
"Is that from the Dursleys?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded. "This has been happening ever since Hadgrid had given me Hedwig. Every Christmas she's been going to the Dursleys, making sure they send her back with a Christmas gift for me. It's usually rubbish…like a toothpick or tissue paper. Last year it was a coat hanger. If it wasn't for Hedwig, I know they wouldn't even bother. I was always just a waste of space to them."
"They may feel like that towards you, but you're not a waste of space to us. This triggered all your memories from your past Christmases with them, did it?" Severus asked.
Harry nodded. "It made me spiral… Those were the worst days of the year for me."
"Do you want to tell us about those days?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head. He was growing quiet again. He wanted to say more but he couldn't. The task just seemed impossible. And why was this so hard? Shouldn't it be easier now that Harry was able to trust his dads and open up? Why did he still want to close himself up from them, especially when his wall was nothing but a pile of broken bricks for them now?
"Why are you afraid?" Severus asked.
And Harry wondered how Severus knew about the fear that was the root of his anxiety.
"What if there's a letter inside demanding me to come back?" Harry asked in a quiet voice, cracking with emotion. "Or what if it's Aunt Petunia trying to justify everything she's said and done? Or what if it's nothing but just another piece of rubbish without even a note saying Happy Christmas, because why would they even care? Why do I keep expecting them to care about me?"
"It's understandable, Harry… They were supposed to care about you… That rejection isn't something that can just disappear overnight. It's going to take time," Severus said.
"And you don't have to open that," Remus added, indicating the parcel in Harry's hand.
Severus nodded with approval at Remus' words. "We're here beside you, and we'll support whatever you decide to do. Open it, or just hand it to me and I'll toss it into the fireplace."
Harry turned the parcel over and over in his hand like he had earlier that morning. The mixed feelings of nervousness and curiosity had returned, but this time Harry wasn't feeling triggered to cut. This time he wasn't drowning in his emotions, and that was because Remus and Severus were there with him, offering their silent and comforting support.
Harry finally met their gazes and said, "Okay, I'm opening it."
It was a teabag….
"Better than a coat hanger," Remus said, breaking the silence. "Is there a note, cub? Or they just wanted you to have a cup of tea?"
Harry picked up the brown paper wrappings and found some scribbled messy writing, looking as if that person had decided to write something at the last minute.
"Yeah… It says Happy Holidays, Big D… It's from Dudley!" Harry flipped over the wrappings, just to see if there was anything else. There wasn't… "That's it… Nothing from my aunt and uncle. They must've chosen to forget about me."
"Well, good riddance with them," Remus huffed. "You have us now, Harry. And your cousin at least thought of you. How about you send him a Christmas greeting in return? Maybe this can be a start to repairing the broken relationship between you two."
"Yeah… Maybe I will…" Harry said, his eyes focused on the scribbled note with disbelief. Could this be a subtle thank you to Harry for saving Dudley's life? The summer after fifth year, before Severus had taken Harry from Privet Drive, Dudley had for the most part left Harry alone. Maybe Remus was right, and this was the beginning to Harry and Dudley being on somewhat good terms with each other now.
Harry pocketed the teabag. The fear he felt and the triggered emotions caused by the parcel all faded away, knowing it was an actual gift from his cousin. Harry wasn't completely forgotten this year.
"Are you okay?" Severus asked.
Harry gave his dad a small smile. "I think I am… Can we open presents now?"
Remus chuckled at Harry's request. "Of course we can!"
Severus pulled Harry into a hug, wrapping his arms around him. Harry hugged his dad back, his cheek pressed against Severus' chest, feeling safe, loved… Like he had felt with Remus' hug… Like he belonged… And again, it was everything Harry had once wanted as a small kid….
"Merry first Christmas with us, son," Severus muttered softly. Harry could feel Severus' beating heart thumping against his cheek and his voice vibrating in his chest. "Whenever you find yourself thinking about those bad Christmases with the Dursleys, think of this one… Think of your first Christmas with your dads."
They pulled apart and Severus searched Harry's face with his dark eyes filled with love and concern. Dark eyes that used to be filled with such coldness and hatred, a thing of the past which was so hard to believe now.
"You're safe here, you know that don't you? You don't ever have to see those people again."
Harry nodded, but before he could say anything in return, Remus dumped a pile of presents onto Harry's lap, causing him to laugh hysterically.
.
.
They took turns opening presents, admiring the gifts they had received from one another and from their friends.
Severus had gotten a bag of the finest coffee beans from Madam Puddifoot's shop in Hogsmeade from Harry. A knitted green Slytherin scarf with his initials on the ends from Mrs. Weasley. A bottle of red wine, which Severus said was from Dumbledore and had quickly hidden it away in the kitchen. When he returned, Remus handed Severus a small box that contained a wooden wolf pendant on a black chain.
Harry couldn't help but smile at the way Severus looked at Remus when he opened the small box.
"Remus?"
"Lily had given it to me the first Christmas after she found out what I was. She said her dad had carved it for her."
"It's beautiful…" Severus turned it over, admiring it, then passed it to Harry so he could take a look at it.
"Your grandfather carved this, Harry," Severus said, then turned back to Remus. "Darling, I can't take something so special from you."
As they spoke, Harry turned it over in his hand. Admiring the small delicate details, imagining the grandfather he never got to know, carving this with love for his youngest daughter. This was Harry's legacy in his hand, this work of art. And Harry wanted Severus to have it… To connect him as Harry's new family, like his mom had used it to connect Remus as part of her own.
"It served its purpose with me. I want you to have it. It holds a part of me, of Harry's family. By wearing it, it'll be like you're connected to us."
Remus had practically taken the words out of Harry's head.
"It should go to Harry," Severus insisted, shaking his head with a frown at the thought of himself accepting such a gift.
Just as Harry pulled his eyes away from the pendent and onto Severus' face, he saw for a moment, just a moment that look flashing in his dad's eyes. The thing Severus was hiding, and Harry chose to ignore it.
"I cannot accept something like that."
"No, it's for you, dad," Harry said, handing back the wolf totem to Severus. "Remus is right."
Severus was so taken aback by Harry's agreement, he could only stare at them until Remus placed the chain over Severus' head, the totem dangling just over his heart. Severus held it gently in his fingers, then looked up at Remus who stole a quick and sweet kiss from him. Harry wolf-whistled at them. Severus' cheeks blushed red and Remus laughed, causing them to break apart.
Remus had gotten a woolen Weasley sweater with the letter R on it. He took off the current sweater he was wearing and pulled on the new one with a happy grin, stating that he was an honorary Weasley now. Harry gave Remus a large box of Honeydukes finest chocolates. And Severus gave him dark green gloves with a warming charm on them.
Remus smiled at Severus when he opened the box. Harry caught the look exchanged between them and turned his attention away to give them some privacy, obviously the gloves meant something between them.
Harry had just finished opening up his presents from his friends. Ron had given him a box of chocolate frogs. Hermione had given him a few useful books for his D.A. Club. And Fred and George had sent him a huge box of all their latest joke products from their shop. There was also a box of chocolates from Romilda Vane with a card asking to hang out after the holidays. Harry bunched up the note and threw it at a laughing Remus. Then Harry was just pulling on his new Weasley sweater that had a golden snitch on it, when his dad placed a fairly big and finely wrapped present onto his lap.
Harry's eyes widened with shock.
"This is from me and Remus," Severus said.
"Dad… Remus…" Harry stuttered out. "You really didn't have to…"
"We wanted to," Severus said.
"Go on, cub," Remus said with excitement in his voice. "Open it."
Harry looked at both of them, Severus with the wooden wolf pendant hanging over his pajama shirt. Remus in his new Weasley sweater and his hair a mess, just like Harry's own.
At first, Harry opened the wrappings slowly, then once he realized what it was, he excitedly ripped the rest of it off. It was a box of art supplies. A sketch book, pencils and a magical book on basic drawing techniques with moving demonstrations. Harry opened the sketchbook, admiring the smooth white pages, blank, ready to be filled with ideas that were already popping in his mind.
It had been years since Harry had drawn anything. He wasn't even sure if he still could, but maybe Severus and Remus were right. Maybe it was time to start again.
"How did you know I might like this? I never gave any hint. This is brilliant!" Harry gasped.
"Your old artwork really is good, cub. We want you to hold on to it. Drawing doesn't just have to be for kids," Remus said, smiling broadly at Harry's reaction.
Harry put down his gift and hugged Remus. Then he turned to Severus. "You didn't believe me?"
"You're not as good a liar as you think you are," Severus shrugged. "Also, you told me that after Remus and I picked it out for you. We were just hoping for a good reaction at this point."
"And I would've loved it either way and…" Harry moved from Remus to Severus. "I… I love you…" Harry muttered into Severus' shoulder.
And with those words Severus only held Harry tighter, as if he were afraid of losing him somehow….
Severus had decided to get started on breakfast while Harry and Remus began to clean up all of the torn pieces of wrapping paper off the floor, but first he really needed coffee and the corners of his lips lifted at the sight of the freshly brewed pot Remus had left for him. Severus picked it up and poured himself a cup, remembering the way Remus had woken him up that morning…
Severus was in a deep sleep, dreaming of himself and Remus sitting in that meadow with the view of the Hogwarts castle in the distance. It was a dream he hadn't dreamt in quite a while. A time where Severus didn't know how he felt about Remus… No longer hating him… Enchanting… A mystery… New feelings he couldn't understand, couldn't accept….
Remus' soft voice filled the air, blending in with the night sounds of the meadow.
"Fall on me with all your light…"
And underneath the light of the half-moon, Remus' golden eyes shone. Their hands connected, fingers intertwined together….
Then everything disappeared.
Darkness only darkness… Then Remus' voice called to him.
And Severus began to awake, feeling an arm wrapping around him, being pulled against something warm and soft. Gentle kisses traced his collarbone, causing Severus to let out a sigh of contentment as he left his dreaming world behind.
"Wake up, sleepyhead," Remus whispered in his ear, his warm breath sending shivers up and down Severus' spine. It caused him to remember the night before, the way Remus clung onto him, naked and warm, skin against skin.
More kisses trailed up Severus' neck, tracing his jawline.
"Is that my new term of endearment?" Severus asked, his voice coming out hoarse from sleep.
"If you like it, then yes," Remus whispered, catching Severus' lips with his own.
And Severus was free-falling, his stomach swooping at the sensation. Severus opened his mouth, allowing Remus' tongue to dance inside his own. Losing himself in the taste of him, kissing him back just as fervently with a hand grasping the back of Remus' neck.
When they pulled away, Severus rolled onto his back, finally opening his eyes to Remus' forest-green depths staring down at him with mischief and warmth.
"It's time to wake up. It's Christmas morning, my love," Remus said, his own voice husky from sleep.
It made Severus reach up and pull Remus' face down to him, trapping him in another kiss. "That's better…" Severus muttered.
Another deep kiss, then Remus was pulling away, taking all the warmth with him. Severus sighed, closing his eyes again, listening to the sounds of Remus heading to the bathroom. Waiting for him to come back to bed, falling back to sleep….
"I'll brew the coffee," Remus chuckled.
Suddenly a shout from Harry pulled Severus out of his memories, making him sputter out the coffee he was drinking. Regaining his breath, Severus slammed the mug down onto the counter and ran to the living room with his heart pounding with panic.
Severus arrived just in time to see Remus taking something out of Harry's hands and carefully throwing it away into the rubbish bag with a look of utter disgust on his face. Harry's own face was green and full of shock.
"Hey, what happened?!" Severus asked, rushing over to them.
"I opened Kreacher's present," Harry said, sounding like he was about to be sick.
"It was a box of maggots, the little wretch!" Remus spat. "He hated Sirius, and it looks like his hatred has passed down to Harry unfairly."
Severus watched Remus gather the rest of the rubbish on the floor, then tying it shut before banishing it all to the rubbish bins outside with just a wave of his wand.
Remus then said to Harry, "Kreacher doesn't know how lucky he is that you sent him to work in the Hogwarts kitchens, Harry. There are worse places for a house-elf."
"I just hope I can still eat breakfast," Harry muttered, looking greener than before. "I really think I'm going to be sick."
Severus placed a hand on Harry's shoulder, steering him to the kitchen. "Come with me, I'll fix you something to settle your stomach."
Harry nodded, stopping to pick up his sketchbook and pencils. "Remus?" While Severus was speaking to Harry, Remus had disappeared into his dad's study.
"I'll join you lads in a moment!" Remus called out.
Severus was just taking things out of the icebox when Remus rejoined them with a wooden muggle device that looked worn and well-used. Harry was sitting at the table drinking the tea his cousin had sent him, laced with a potion to take his nausea away.
"How are you feeling?" Remus asked.
"Much better thanks to dad, and Dudley… His tea isn't bad."
Remus placed the muggle device on the counter then poured himself some coffee, mixing it with the leftover hot chocolate until it was barely even coffee anymore, causing Severus to roll his eyes.
Remus then lifted his mug to Harry. "Cheers to Dudley and his change of heart," he said, then drank his chocolate-mixed coffee.
"Cheers!" Harry said back, then laughed at the way Severus was watching Remus with a mixture of exasperation and disgust.
Remus turned his head to Severus with his mischievous smile. "What? Do I have something on my face or something?"
"What's the point of even drinking coffee?" Severus jerked his head at Remus' mug.
"It's now a peppermint mocha…" Remus laughed.
"A what?"
"Severus, you grew up with a muggle. I would've thought you'd remember at least their coffee terms."
Harry laughed at Remus' words to Severus. During their playful bickering, Harry had begun to practice his drawing techniques from the instruction book that was laying face open on the table in front of him.
Severus glared at his kid. Harry looked up at the same moment and shrugged with a smirk, and Severus knew he was taking Remus' side on this. Harry had pointed out before that Severus was too out of touch with his muggle side, and was that a bad thing? Severus had gone out of his way to forget everything that reminded him of his father, anything that made him part of Tobias Snape, and he realized that meant everything muggle as well. In Severus' heart he only saw himself as part of Eileen Prince, his mother, an extraordinary and talented witch.
"What is that anyways?" Severus asked, nodding his head at the muggle-device.
"My mom's old radio. I found it in my dad's library." Remus put his mug down besides Severus' own and began to play with the little gold dials. "I'm hoping it still connects to the muggle satellites."
Severus turned around and began to start preparing the pancake batter. "It sounds like you're talking nonsense. Why don't you just use the wizarding network?"
"No, because by popular opinions of me, Lily, and Sirius, muggle Christmas music was always the best."
Suddenly voices were coming out from the little device.
"Aha!" Remus exclaimed with excitement, turning the dials around until Christmas songs began to fill up the kitchen. Harry cheered at Remus' success.
Severus and Remus continued their playful bickering as they cooked breakfast together, occasionally flirting and stealing a few kisses every now and then. Remus kept trying to get Severus to sing along with him to the Christmas songs on the radio, but Severus absolutely refused. No one needed to hear his voice. He was perfectly fine just hearing Remus' as it filled up the kitchen, causing Severus to fall even more in love with him. Severus didn't think it was possible to fall in love with a person more and more each day, but it was… It was very possible… And he couldn't stop it, even with the terrible promise hanging over his head, darkening his future. Forever shackled to Albus and the Dark Lord… And the heartbreak… It was going to change Severus forever… But those hazel-green eyes and that incredible voice… Severus was powerless against his heart beating for Remus Lupin, no matter the consequences.
Harry stayed at the table occasionally joining in on their conversations and laughing at their bickering, singing along with Remus who helped him reach a few notes. Harry, of course, wasn't bad at singing. As always, he was talented in almost everything he tried, just like his parents. Severus appreciated the bright chaotic energy Remus was creating that morning, distracting Harry from his triggering emotions that had caused him to create the inky mess on his arm. Seeing the splotchy lines, Severus knew Harry had pressed the tip of the marker hard against the skin of his forearm as if he wanted to cut until he bled, that Harry was in such a state that he needed to physically feel his internal pain. And it broke Severus, it seemed like for a moment Harry was making such progress from his last relapse. Yet, not all was lost, Severus realized the difference between this relapse and the past ones. Harry was able to take Severus' advice and use the marker instead of a blade or something else sharp. That realization brought him such relief, especially the fact that Harry did put an effort on being communicative and not closing up this time.
.
.
They spent the early afternoon ice-skating until it was time to go inside to get ready for Molly's Christmas feast at the Burrow. Severus was just buttoning up his black vest over a white long-sleeved shirt when he suddenly gasped out from the sudden pain, clenching his forearm. He forced himself to take deep, slow breaths to prevent himself from voicing out his pain again. He didn't want to alert Remus and Harry. Severus eased himself down on the foot of the bed, clenching his teeth with frustration. How did the Dark Lord expect his followers to come to him when their bodies were in so much agony, they could barely move? Why would anyone want to follow the Dark Lord, when being summoned to him was through pain?
And Severus didn't want to do this anymore. He didn't want to leave his family now for the Dark Lord's summons. He didn't want to hurt them, betray them for Albus Dumbledore. Severus didn't want to be the martyr, the unsung hero of the wizarding world, forcibly destined to carry the rest of Albus' plans out after his death. He didn't want to do it anymore.
That terrible night when Severus answered the Dark Lord's call without bringing Harry, purposely disobeying the Dark Lord's order, Severus thought that was going to be the end of his life. But it was his talent, his brilliant talent of complete mastery of Occlumency and Legilimency, unknown to the Dark Lord that saved Severus' life that night. Severus was able to plant false memories in his own mind for the Dark Lord to take, not knowing that every truthful thought and memory was safely kept behind Severus' hidden mental shields.
That was the last time Severus was called, and he wondered why that was. Was the Dark Lord still doubting Severus? Or was he just laying low, planning something more sinister? Could Albus know about it? Would Severus find out tonight? Another spasm of pain made Severus break his control, and he let out a loud gasp before he could stop himself. He had to stop wasting time and get going. The Dark Lord was growing impatient.
Just as Severus finally forced himself to stand up, Remus entered the room. His face was full of worry and Severus knew Remus had heard his pain-filled gasp with his werewolf super-hearing.
"Severus, love?" Remus hurried over to him. "I could hear you in the living room, are you okay?"
Severus stood with his head bowed down, his dark hair falling like curtains over his face. He clenched his jaw as another spasm of pain shot through his arm. Severus squeezed his forearm tight, hiding the pulsating Dark Mark from Remus.
Severus felt Remus pry his hand away from his arm, his soft fingers intertwining with Severus' own. And Severus was looking into hazel-green eyes flecked with specks of gold. Those beautiful eyes that kept Severus afloat, were swirling with fear and concern. Severus hated that he was the cause of those emotions.
"Voldemort is calling you," Remus said, and it wasn't a question. "And you don't want to go."
Severus could only nod his confirmation on Remus' intuitive statement. The pain was now traveling up his arm and settling in his chest, constricting his lungs in a tight bind, wrapping around his heart which was fiercely beating for Severus' life. If he didn't leave soon, Severus feared he would slowly suffocate, as if the Dark Lord had wrapped his spindly fingers around his heart, squeezing the life out of it until Severus obeyed.
"Severus…"
"If it was my choice," Severus gasped out. "I wouldn't want any part of this war. You know that, don't you? If it were up to me, we would hide out here with Harry until it was over."
"You know that can never be… Harry and I are fighters, we're Gryffindors. We wouldn't be able to hide away while the people we love are out there fighting, out there dying for a better world. And I know you wouldn't let us fight without you. You would follow us to the ends of the earth trying to protect us."
"What can I say?" Severus said through gritted teeth. "I'm a Slytherin."
"A Slytherin with Gryffindor qualities."
"You take that back…" Severus let slip a low groan, clutching his chest this time.
"Severus!" Remus wrapped an arm around his waist, trying to steady him. "You should get going, you shouldn't keep him waiting!"
"What about Harry? He was so afraid the last time I was called. And especially the way he woke up this morning, triggered to cut, he's not going to take this well."
"Don't worry, I'll talk to him. Harry and I are in a better place now. He'll be okay with me…"
"Where is he? I need to sneak out by flooing somewhere else. I don't want to leave a magical trail by Disapparating from here…" Severus shakily pulled on his robes.
The floo network was only set up through the living room fireplace that connected to Remus' quarters at Hogwarts. Severus didn't want Harry to see him leave, he didn't want to scare him like the last two times. It was easier if Severus went unnoticed.
But it was too late. Any plan Severus had of sneaking away quickly disappeared.
"Dad, Remus, we're going to be late and you guys have to explain to Mrs. Weasley why…" Harry came into the bedroom ready to go with his firebolt in hand. He was dressed in dark jeans and his new Weasley sweater with a jacket over it. It looked familiar. It was a beige color with pockets on the front, and Severus briefly remembered seeing Remus wearing it at that age. Harry must've found it in Remus' closet that was still filled with his old clothes.
Harry took one glance at Severus and dropped his firebolt. "Dad?"
Severus knelt down in front of his son, grasping him by his upper-arms. His eyes connected with Harry's own, bright-green and full of fear.
"Harry… Listen to me… I…"
"Don't go!" Harry shouted out before Severus could finish.
"You know I don't have a choice!"
"But what if you don't come back?"
"What did I tell you the last time?"
"That you're too clever to let Voldemort kill you."
"Exactly, and what else?"
"To trust you…"
"Do you trust me?"
Harry was quiet, bowing his head down so his black fringe covered his eyes.
Severus gripped Harry tighter. "Son, do you trust me to come back?"
"I trust you…" Harry finally whispered.
"Good, now can you do me a favor?" Severus asked as he finally released his hold on his son.
Harry didn't answer him, he only watched Severus take off the wolf pendant Remus had given him from where it was nestled safely around his neck, tucked underneath his shirt. When Remus had given it to him that morning, Severus was so touched by the beautiful and simple gift with so much meaning behind it, he had vowed to himself he would never take it off, but Severus had to break it. He couldn't risk wearing it around the Dark Lord.
Severus gently placed it on Harry, tucking the pendant underneath his Weasley sweater so it was close to his heart and safe. "Take care of that for me, will you? I'll be coming back for it."
Harry only nodded his head, tears welling up from behind his eyes. Severus pulled him into a tight hug. He hated how his summons to the Dark Lord always left Harry a mess, triggering him so badly. Severus could feel it in the way Harry was hanging on to him so tightly, his body shaking. Making Harry revert to his old self, a lost child afraid to trust, closing in on himself… And Severus couldn't blame Harry for this behavior… He completely understood. Harry always had trouble trusting adults, because the ones he grew up with, the ones who were supposed to take care of him and love him, were the ones that hurt Harry in the worst possible way, raising him with only rejection and neglect and abuse… And now that Harry found Severus as a father-figure to love and trust, the thought of losing him was the hardest thing for Harry to deal with, a highly possible consequence of losing his godfather to death. Fucking Black!
"Be strong, son. Don't you worry. I'll come back. I always do," Severus whispered in Harry's ear. Another spasm of pain went through Severus and he couldn't suppress it. It was stronger, sharper. It burned a trail from his wrist to his heart. It made Severus gasp out loud, causing Harry to tighten his hold even more. And Severus couldn't breathe. The Dark Lord was growing angrier with each passing second Severus was wasting. He had to go now, but Harry wouldn't let him go.
"Harry…" Severus said breathlessly. "Come on, son, I have to go. I'm sorry, I have to go."
Harry didn't budge. Severus looked up and caught Remus' eye who was silently watching them with a worried frown. His eyes were more golden than before and Severus knew the wolf spirit inside Remus must be agitated from all of the high emotions in the room. This was affecting Remus too, and Severus hated that he was the cause of all this. He really hated doing this, leaving them like this, hurting them like this….
"Harry, Harry…son… You have to let me go… Let me go… Remus…" Severus pleaded.
Remus knelt down beside them, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry flinched away from his touch, causing Severus and Remus to exchange an alarmed look.
Another spasm of pain went through Severus. He couldn't breathe and Harry's grip became tighter. Severus caught Remus' eye over Harry's head, holding it until he was pushing through his mind, asking for entrance. Remus allowed Severus into his chaotic mind, swirling with fear for Severus' safety, worry for Harry's reaction, and the effort of suppressing the howling wolf deep inside his soul.
"Remus, darling, I'll be okay… Just pry Harry off me. It's okay if he fights you. I really have to go. It's hurting! I have to go so the pain can stop, just pry Harry off me!" Severus pleaded, then was forced out of Remus' mind from another painful spasm, so intense that it made Severus shout out.
Remus didn't need any more convincing. He grabbed Harry around the waist and pulled him off Severus.
"Dad, no, no!" Harry fought against Remus' strong grip. "Please, don't go! Don't go!"
"Go, Severus! I got him!" Remus shouted, locking Harry against his chest.
And Severus didn't need telling twice. He left the room. He didn't even stop to tell Remus that he loved him, just in case, but Severus couldn't let himself think like that. He was going to come back. He was going to come back tonight and tell his boyfriend how much he loved him, tell him how grateful he was to him for doing the hardest thing, ripping Harry away from Severus.
Severus grabbed the floo powder from the living room mantel and threw it into the fireplace.
"Remus Lupin's quarters, Hogwarts!" And the last thing Severus heard were Harry's cries, shattering the rest of Severus' breaking heart. The pieces falling in the soot that covered his shoes. If this was how triggered Harry reacted to Severus being called to the Dark Lord on Albus' orders, then how much greater would Harry react after Severus completed his task? When Harry would think that Severus really did betray Albus and the light side of the war, betrayed Remus, betrayed him, really leaving Harry and never coming back. Left with nothing but hurt and broken promises and betrayal.
.
.
As Severus walked towards Malfoy Manor from the Apparition point, the pain from his Dark Mark began to finally ease, as if the Dark Lord already knew Severus was set to be at his side in a matter of minutes. Precious minutes Severus used to prepare himself. He pushed away all of his emotions, his guilt on leaving Harry and Remus, and shoved them behind his mental barrier. Then mentally hiding that barrier, protecting everything that was dear to Severus. And with his mask on, the mental one and the Death Eater one, Severus was ready to step through the threshold of Malfoy Manor.
The Dark Lord was sitting at the head of the dining hall, and it took everything in Severus to keep his mental barriers up. To not break character. To not think about Harry and Remus. To not shiver in fear with disgust and hatred at seeing those red eyes. This monster was the reason for Harry's breakdown tonight. The reason why Severus' new family was soon going to be ripped away from him.
The Death Eaters were seated all around the Dark Lord, a map of the Weasley's land and of the Burrow was open on the table. Severus strengthened his mental shields even more as all of their eyes turned to him.
"So nice of you to finally join us, Severusss," The Dark Lord hissed with dangerous anger. "You know I don't like to be kept waiting! Crucio!"
The curse hit so fast, Severus didn't realize he had fallen over until he was on the floor writhing in pain. And he wasn't allowed to defend himself. He had to take it. But Severus still had a small rebellious streak inside him. He fought through the pain. He didn't dare lose himself to it. Instead Severus gave it his all to focus on his mental shields, keeping them up as his screams ripped through the hall.
The Dark Lord did not need eye contact to force his way into Severus' head. And despite the agony Severus was in, he was ready. The Dark Lord's presence was vile, it was dark. It was heavy and suffocating and it hurt worse than anything Severus had ever felt before, more than being called through the Dark Mark, more than the Cruciatus Curse he was being tortured with that very moment.
Severus gritted his teeth, closing his eyes tight as he released all of his worst memories and emotions to the Dark Lord, giving him what he was searching for. The confirmation that Severus was still on his side, still consumed with hatred for Albus Dumbledore and the spawn of James Potter. He let it all spill out, memories of Severus' father and the drunken abuse towards Severus and his mom. The bullying he suffered from James Potter and Sirius Black. The misunderstanding, being ignored by Albus Dumbledore as he favored the Marauders. Losing Lily, the deep rooted pain that turned into hatred for her son. The reasons, the hatred, the grudges that Severus had once felt as a young adult fresh out of school. The reasons why he joined the Dark Lord's ranks. It all spilled out… And Severus fed it all to the Dark Lord… Leaving Severus shaking, leaving him in so much pain that he was drowning in it… Thankfully the physical effects of it could all be blamed from the Cruciatus Curse.
And Severus hated himself for doing this. But he had to… He had to do it to keep up his cover. He created a false memory of himself arguing with Harry as they left Spinner's End, dropping him off at the Burrow before Apparating to Malfoy Manor. It seemed like they were planning on something to do with the Burrow anyways… An attack Severus feared was too late to stop.
"Is that why you're late?" The Dark Lord hissed, finally pulling himself out Severus' mind. The Cruciatus Curse was finally lifted. And Severus finally felt free from the suffocating darkness. His mind was clear once again.
"You forget Potter's under my care. I had to make sure to leave him at the Burrow. I could lose my cover if I'm too careless with him!" Severus gasped out, pulling himself up to his hands and knees. His Death Eater mask had fallen off, but the hood of his cloak hid Severus' face in shadow.
The Dark Lord hissed and slashed Severus' back with a slicing charm. Red blood clouded the white fabric of his shirt, seeping through his black vest and robes. Severus forced himself not to scream.
"Do you hear that, my loyal servants? Severus confirmed Potter's presence at the Burrow. This will make our plan go accordingly."
The Death Eaters' shouts of triumph and pleasure echoed through the hall, and among them Severus heard a familiar growl. He whipped his head to the source of it and his eyes locked with Fenrir Greyback.
It took great control in Severus to not hit him with the killing curse. How the fuck did he find his way back to the Dark Lord's side?! He had been arrested for kidnapping Harry only months ago!
Another slicing charm hit Severus in the back once more, causing him to grunt out from the shock of the sudden pain, accidentally biting his lip hard. Blood streamed out of his wound and down his chin, staining the front of his robes, landing in a puddle on the floor.
Severus kept his eyes on the gleaming drops of blood as the Dark Lord hissed, "Thank you for your contribution… Severusss… My moosstt trusted ssservant. Come, sit by me…"
Severus grabbed his Death Eater mask and put it back on, then he pushed himself up from the floor, willing his body to stop trembling as he took the empty chair next to the Dark Lord. The seat no one dared to take. Only Bellatrix Lestrange sat so near her master, leaving her to be across from Severus. Bellatrix glared at Severus with her heavy-lidded eyes. She was the only Death Eater who never hid behind a mask.
"We're planning a holiday gift for Dumbledore and his Order of the Phoenix…" The Dark Lord laughed.
"A little holiday scare for baby Potter," Bellatrix added in a high-pitched tone, followed by cruel maniacal laughter. It took everything in Severus to stay passive, to not just reach across the table and strangle the life out of her for ever thinking, of daring, to hurt his son.
And the plan was horrific.
It was horrific and it struck a spasm of fear deep inside Severus, but he couldn't allow himself to feel it or acknowledge it. Just in case it came out in his voice. Just in case the Dark Lord decided to invade his mind again. Severus was forced to sit there and give his input on it, and he hated himself for it. He hated that he was powerless to stop their plan. The only small hope that was barely a blinking light in the darkness was that Harry would be too upset to go to the Burrow, that he and Remus might've stayed safe at the cabin.
But just in case Severus' tiny flickering light of hope was in vain, he proposed the idea to have Bellatrix appear in front of the Burrow before they set it on fire. That way the Weasleys would have a warning and get themselves out of there. The Death Eaters were underestimating them on a holiday like this. The Weasleys and some of the invited Order members would be on the alert for any sign of trouble. They were bound to notice Bellatrix as soon as she appeared in the yard. And if Harry was there, he would see her. Severus knew his son well enough that there was a huge possibility of Harry running after her for killing Black, and Remus and everyone else would follow after them, leaving the Burrow empty.
It was the only thing Severus could think of, even if it put Harry in danger, he hoped Bellatrix would obey her master by not touching Harry, saved for only the Dark Lord to touch. Severus made everyone believe that having Bellatrix appear first was to goad everyone in the Burrow, to strike fear in their hearts, to ensure that this was a proper gift from the Dark Lord. The Death Eaters ate up Severus' words like the idiots they all were. Severus was praised by the Dark Lord for his brilliant idea. And oh, if only they knew the real reasons behind Severus' plan… If only they knew….
And even if his tactic worked in keeping everyone in the Burrow safe, Severus despised himself for not being able to do anything else. For not being strong enough to stop the plan altogether. He hated sitting there beside the Dark Lord, the murderer of his best friend, the one responsible for so much of Harry's trauma… But Severus did it… He sat there without any expression to give away the turmoil going on behind his protected mental shields, of the fear and anger, the helplessness and guilt. Severus sat there in silence, playing the part of the Dark Lord's most trusted servant… And Severus despised it… He hated the position he was in. He hated himself. He just wanted to scream and rebel, take Harry and Remus and run… But Severus couldn't, he mustn't lose control… There was too much at stake… This was the only way… No other way… No way out….
Remus held onto Harry tightly against his chest. No matter how hard Harry tried to fight him off, Remus was resilient. Clawing at Remus' arms with his nails, trying to pull them away, Harry let out a shout of frustration. He couldn't let Severus go again. What if he never came back? Just like Sirius… What if Severus was killed tonight by Voldmort's killing curse? Just like his parents… And what if Voldemort called Severus only to torture him? Like Remus had been….
"Dad… Dad… Dad, please don't go! Don't go… Don't go… Don't go!" Harry shouted.
And Harry hated this, he hated how he was losing control of his emotions. The way he had clung onto Severus like a frightened child. The way he was hurting Remus, trying to fight out of his hold. It was just something about Severus being called away into danger that always scared Harry so much that it left him a wreck.
The sounds of the flames in the living room fireplace roared to life, then died out. Harry stopped shouting. The cabin was silent except for his and Remus' heavy breaths. The silence was the worst Harry had ever felt, signaling Severus' departure and he broke down crying. His legs gave out, feeling as if his bones were all spelled away. Harry sank to the floor.
"Harry…" Remus guided him down, then finally released his hold.
Harry didn't say a word. And even if he wanted to, he couldn't because his throat was painfully closing up. He only pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his face into his lap. Harry wanted to cut. The feel of a cool blade against his skin sounded so nice and comforting at the moment, the only thing that would soothe the intense fear that was consuming him. His body was shaking so hard. He couldn't stop thinking of his dad walking into his grave. Harry's thoughts were so morbid, and he tried to stop them but he couldn't, and so he let himself fall into them.
"Harry, don't close up on me now… Talk to me…"
Remus… Remus' voice started pulling Harry out.
"I know this is hard, cub. I know how much this scares you that you may lose your dad…"
"I hate it when he goes…" Harry choked through fresh tears streaming down his cheeks.
"I hate it too, believe me I do… I want to cry and scream just like you. But I need to be strong for you and for Severus… We both have to be strong for him."
"He was in so much pain…" Harry's voice was muffled in his lap, but he knew Remus could still hear him. "And I made it worse by not letting him go… I couldn't let him go… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" Harry started crying harder.
"No, Harry, no, don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for."
Harry couldn't say anything else, only crying hard into his lap, his body shaking so hard.
"Harry, I know you don't want me to touch you right now, but can I please just give you a hug?"
Harry shook his head. He couldn't stand the thought of being touched right now. He was too triggered. He wanted to cut. He needed to feel the blade that would make all the bad feelings go away. And somehow, Remus saw that…
Harry felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, causing him to flinch.
"Don't!" Harry shouted, then he caught sight of Remus kneeling in front of him with the purple marker Severus had given Harry.
"I just want you to take this," Remus said.
Harry took the marker from Remus' hand and popped off the cap, pressing hard lines into his skin over the marks he had made that morning. It was the second time that day he was triggered to cut, and Harry felt so disappointed in himself. He really thought he was getting better for a moment there. Two relapses in one day? What was wrong with him?
"Talk to me, cub," Remus pleaded, still kneeling in front of Harry, watching him draw hard lines into his skin, hard enough to feel a bit of pain. "If Severus were here he would say no closing up."
Harry imagined himself rebuilding his brick wall in head, trying to protect himself in vain because Remus kept stubbornly knocking the newly placed bricks to the ground.
Why can't he just leave me alone?
"Come on, Harry… What is going on inside your head?"
Harry didn't acknowledge Remus, he only continued to draw on his arm. The silence in the room was tense. He couldn't stop, it wasn't satisfying enough like the cut of a blade. Harry pressed harder. Fresh warm tears spilled out from his eyes as he grunted out in frustration.
"Harry…"
The agony and heartbreak in Remus' voice caused Harry to finally look up, and he found himself lost in Remus' eyes. Wide hazel eyes flecked with gold swirling with a deep concern. The stress lines on his face were more prominent, making him look years older than his actual age. And seeing Remus so worried for him like that, reminded Harry of his list. It reminded him that he wanted to get better, he didn't want to rely on hurting himself to get him through the hardest parts of his life. And in that moment, Harry knew he had to trust Remus more, he had to let him in. It was everything he was trying to improve in himself. Trust his dad, which didn't mean just Severus now. Remus was a second dad to him and it was time for Harry to start trusting him completely, like he was trying with Severus. That meant he had to stop rebuilding his wall, and he mentally knocked the reforming bricks down. More fresh tears started to roll down his cheeks as he dropped the marker, the sound of it clattering on the wooden floor. The trance was broken, leaving Harry's body to shake more than ever before. He no longer wanted to cut, he wanted to be held. Harry wanted Remus to tell him that everything was going to be okay, that Severus would return to them safe and sound.
And with a strangled cry, Harry threw himself into Remus' arms.
Remus held Harry tight, not letting go. He pressed the side of his face against Remus' chest, listening to the calming sound of his beating heart as Remus whispered to him that everything was going to be okay.
Harry believed every word Remus whispered to him. His gentle voice, his beating heart as he held him began to calm Harry down, taking away the mixture of the bad feelings and the intense fear that was consuming him.
And he found himself finally able to talk again….
"When Severus goes to Voldemort…" Harry's voice painfully croaked, still in Remus' embrace. "It feels like I'm losing Sirius all over again. It feels like I've lost you again, Remus, and I have no idea where you are or if you're even alive. It feels like I'm a little kid again, asking Aunt Petunia about my parents and how they died. And she snaps out that they died in a car crash and to stop bothering her with questions. The fear of being left alone, of losing the people I care about, it resurfaces and I just lose myself in it. I'm sorry for being like this, for being such a mess. I wish I was strong like you. I know you must be scared to death of losing Severus too, especially after you lost Sirius and my parents… I'm sorry… I'm sorry..."
"Hey… Hey… Enough of that now, cub. You don't have to apologize for your feelings. This is triggering for you, I understand that, believe me I do after everything you've gone through… I understand. I just don't want you closing up from me, don't shut me out again. I want you to talk to me when this happens, okay?"
"I'm trying…"
Remus pulled out of the hug and lifted Harry's chin, wiping away his tears with a summoned handkerchief from Severus' night table. It had the initials E.P, something Harry noticed in the moment then forgotten immediately as Remus spoke to him. "I know you're trying," he said. His hazel eyes were full of warmth. Tear tracks stained his own cheeks, and Harry realized Remus must've been silently crying along with him as he held him. "Just know that no matter what happens, I'm always going to be around for you. Do you understand what I'm saying, cub? You've got me too… You're not alone."
"Yeah, I understand…" Harry said softly, suddenly remembering the evening when he and Remus were walking down the corridor after a D.A club lesson. Remus had finally appeared after hiding in his quarters for days. Harry had let slip the term dads and he remembered how touched Remus reacted when he asked Harry if he saw him as his dad… Harry wanted to cheer Remus up like that again… And the words he was about to say were true, causing a warmth to spread over him, chasing away the lingering anxiety for good. "You're my dad too, remember I'd sort of mentioned that before? Thanks for reminding me…"
And with those words, Remus smiled. "Of course I do, and you're my son." He pulled Harry into another brief hug then they sat together in silence, side by side on the bedroom floor, waiting for Severus to return to them.
And when it seemed like perhaps an hour had passed of waiting and waiting and waiting… Remus finally broke the silence.
"Do you still want to go to the Burrow?"
Harry shook his head. He couldn't imagine himself going there, speaking to people, pretending to enjoy the holiday with his friends knowing Severus was possibly getting tortured at this very moment. Why was he taking so long to come back? What was Voldemort doing with him? Why did he need him on Christmas day? No, Harry had to wait here… He couldn't do anything but wait….
"You know what I think we should do?" Remus said again.
"What?" Harry's voice cracked. It was still sore from all the crying and shouting he had done.
"I think we should go to the Burrow. I don't know about you but the silence of waiting is killing me. At least there, we can be a bit distracted. It would make the time go faster, and perhaps before we know it, he'll return."
"I can't imagine being at the Burrow without Severus…"
"I know, but remember that he wanted you to have the best Christmas this year? Can we give him that? I just know it'll make Severus happy when he returns."
Harry sighed at Remus' words. "You're right."
Remus stood up, then offered Harry a hand. "Come on, cub. You don't have to join in on any of the festivities if you don't want to. If you just want to sit and wait for Severus there, we'll do it together at the Burrow surrounded by Weasleys and Molly's good food. How does that sound?"
He hesitated, not really sure what to do. Remus' reasons did seem to make sense. And waiting at the Burrow with his friends did seem a bit tempting now. Remus was right, the silence was terrible.
"Remember that I'm here with you," Remus reminded him.
And Harry finally grabbed Remus' outstretched hand with those words.
Keep scrolling down if you're a reviewer. I have responses for chapters 16, then 17/18.
Review Responses for Chapter 16
Imaginer.012: Thank you for your review! I'm so glad that you look forward to my updates. I also appreciate you always being my first reviewer for every chapter, and you're loved too! =) And thank you for your praises on the way I write my versions of Severus, Remus, and Harry. I always do try to make my fanfic as realistic as I can cus it's something I always liked when reading other fanfics lol. Also, I really do want to answer your questions, but no spoilers lol.
Takingitinstride: Omg yes, I remember your past reviews! Welcome back! I hope you like my new version of Already Home, and I'm glad you're liking the sequel. And believe me, I don't want to write that part either! I'm going to be a mess when the time comes to write that chapter. Lol
Guest#1: Yes, poor Remus is going through a lot, battling his personal demons and trauma. And thank you for your review! I liked how you described Remus' P.T.S.D and depression by using a dementor.
Shaybay: I'm so glad you liked my story! And I read the review you left on Already Home, thank you so much, I really loved your feedback, it meant a lot. And don't worry this isn't an abandoned story haha.
My fav Fanfic list: An Aunt's Love by Emma Lipardi, Casting Moonshadows by Moonsign, A Lonely Path by la baquette, Fortune's Might by MyMoony, Will you be my daddy? By SasuNarufan13, That One Golden Summer by Idontknow95, Shattered Illusions by angel74, Carnival of Dark and Dangerous Creatures by DragonDi, Whelp by jharad17, A Time and Place to Grow by Victorianchik, Bring Me To Life by Angel74
Guest#2: You definitely guessed right on what was going to happen in the cabin lol and thank you for your review. I'm glad you appreciated the pace I had set for Remus and Severus and the way I wrote them, being patient and understanding with each other.
Guest#3: The hurt and loss of losing Lily and Sirius is always going to be felt by Severus and Remus, yet I chose for them to connect on their shared grief and understanding of it instead of it being a tensed subject between them. Maybe later in the story I may have something like that happening, most likely on Severus' part towards Remus… We'll just have to wait and see… lol
Guest#4: Yeah, I really liked your review. Losing Lily and Sirius had really affected Remus and Severus, and in that chapter they were finding comfort in each other, realizing the grief they shared… Thanks for your review!
Guest(sunshine): I hope you liked chapters 17 and 18 then! Lol and thanks for your review!
Review Responses For chapters 17/18:
Imaginers.012: Thank you! I know I accidentally wrote two chapters and had to end up splitting it into two Lol!
LunePrimus:Omg! It was so nice to hear from you! I've wondered what had happened to you. I was so sad to hear you're having a tough time with your health, and I'm happy that my update at least brought you some joy for a bit, and the fact that my story means so much to you, omg I almost cried at that. I really do hope you're doing okay and just hang in there. This new chapter 19 is for you. And I really loved your long review! Thank you so much! Also I'm drinking hot cocoa and eating sugar cookies as I'm typing this =)
Guest #1: I know… I know… Your review made me tear up a bit haha
Guest(Sunshine): Sorry about that, I was just so eager to post up the chapter! Thanks for appreciating my responses!
Guest#2: Sorry for taking so long! =(
Guest#3: I'm sorry for the long update =(
dragon fier 20: Thank you for your review! And I'm glad I have a new reader!