Chase This Light With Me

by Chase'sGirl19

The Sequel to Already Home! It's Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts! Harry wants to help Draco come back to the light, even if the Slytherin does not want to. Severus is trying all he can to keep his relationship with his son above water as they fight through darkness and secrets that will lead to ultimate betrayals. Meanwhile a friendship starts to form between Severus and Remus...

21. A Wolf Among Humans

Chapter Twenty-One - A Wolf Among Humans

Warning: Long chapter. You'll need snacks lol

The air was colder here, way colder than it was at the Burrow. Snow flurries were just starting to come down as Remus and Harry appeared in front of the cabin. Remus watched Harry turn his face up towards the sky, not saying a word. A tense and exhausted silence had settled its way between them. Remus frowned, paying no attention to it, he immediately climbed up the porch steps, ushering Harry to follow him. He broke the silence only to instruct Harry to leave his shoes outside. Remus took his own off as well, leaving them besides Harry's, meaning to clean the muck off of them the next day.

Remus then opened the door, making sure to shield Harry behind him as he casted a few spells to assure that there were no visitors waiting to attack. And when it was deemed safe, Remus allowed Harry in and out of the biting cold. And even though he knew the cabin was empty, disappointment still coursed through Remus to find all the lights off and the cabin having the cold feeling of being empty for hours. A part of Remus had hoped that Severus would be here, waiting for them. But of course he wasn't. Remus reminded himself of the possibility that Severus was now at the emergency Order of the Phoenix meeting being held at Hogwarts that very moment, discussing the attack on the Burrow. It was the only logical explanation to Severus' long continued absence, well…the only one Remus allowed himself to think about.

Remus rechecked the wards over and over, making sure they were still secure, making sure there were no breaches. He couldn't help feeling paranoid after the attack tonight, couldn't stop thinking of those red eyes watching him and Tonks, hidden in the shadows of the field. How long had Greyback been hiding there, watching them, listening to them? What did he hear? Remus suppressed a shudder of disgust, not allowing himself to show it, knowing that Harry was still in the living room with him, standing still and silent in his dirty mud-caked and wet clothes.

The silence between them was growing, the tension was like the weather before a big storm, heavy and dark. Harry knew Remus was upset with him. He must be waiting for a lecture or perhaps he was expecting Remus to punish him like the Dursleys used to. Remus hoped that last part wasn't true. How could Harry still expect that from him?

And once Remus was satisfied that the cabin was safe from unwanted visitors, that they were safe, Harry was safe… Remus finally turned his attention towards Harry. His cub didn't look injured aside from a few scratches on his face, just exhausted and dirty.

"Harry, I hope you're not expecting a punishment… Like what they used to do to you..."

Harry's cheeks blushed red and he kept his eyes on the floor.

For a moment, Remus couldn't say anything else. The intense fear and panic he'd felt tonight had finally simmered down a bit, yet the emotions weren't completely gone, leaving Remus' hands to shake. He held up his hands and took off the gloves Severus had given him. They were now dirty and torn.

But that didn't matter… Severus had entrusted Harry's safety to Remus tonight, and Remus had almost lost him… He'd almost lost their kid tonight.

And anger began to form.

"Go shower," Remus forced himself to say.

Harry did as he was told, not saying a word.

Remus went to the kitchen. He needed a moment alone. He didn't want to end up shouting at Harry. He poured a cup of water for himself, drinking it slowly, staring out of the window above the sink. It was dark outside with snow falling. The glass was covered with frost and looked cold to the touch.

Remus failed Severus tonight, and he failed Harry….

Remus' anger, it wasn't just directed at Harry for his recklessness, for putting himself in danger… It was also directed at himself, mixed with disgust for not being quick enough or ready to hold Harry back. Of course Harry was going to run after Bellatrix…of course he was…she had killed his godfather… Remus should've been ready to grab Harry as he passed, instead he'd let himself get pushed aside.

It wasn't very long when Harry came back, showered and dressed in his pajamas. Remus turned and handed him a cup of water. Harry took it, sipping it a bit then chugging it down when he realized how thirsty he was from running in the field. Remus only silently watched him, the tension still between them, brewing and rumbling.

"Let me see your face, you have a bunch of scratches," Remus said.

Harry placed his empty cup in the sink and lifted his face towards him.

Remus pulled out his wand, Harry flinched a bit.

"Remember, cub, I'm not like your relatives. I'm not going to hurt you, ever… Not like that…" Remus said.

"But you're upset, I can tell…" Harry muttered.

He didn't reply to that, at least not right away because Harry was right, he was upset. Remus had a whole lecture for Harry ready to be spilled, but first he had to heal all of the scratches on Harry's face. They must be stinging after his shower.

Remus examined them. They were just shallow cuts caused by the tall grass and weeds in the field. They were small enough for a simple healing charm to work. He pointed the tip of his wand to each one, muttering the charm and managing to close them all up without any scars.

Harry was so lucky those scratches were all that happened to him tonight. It could've been worse, so much worse….

And everything he'd felt tonight… Panic and fear from watching Harry running after Bellatrix, thinking he'd lost him. Anger at Harry for being so bloody reckless and endangering his life. Anger at himself for not being quicker, for not protecting Harry. The shame and disgust towards himself… It all formed together, breaking the tension, and the storm was finally released.

Remus put his wand away, his hands shaking again.

"What were you thinking? Running off like that?!" Remus snapped out the last part of his sentence.

Taken aback by Remus' sudden scolding, it took a moment for Harry to register his words before scowling, then answering, "I had to! It was Bellatrix, Remus! Bellatrix! She killed Sirius, killed him! Like he was nothing! She laughed like he was nothing! Is that why you're upset? Because I ran after her? I couldn't let her get away, not like in my dreams! This time it was real, it was a chance for me to stop her…to…"

Remus cut Harry off, not letting him finish. He didn't want to hear the end of that sentence. His voice was harsh, not raised, but calm and full of disapproval and suppressed anger. "To what, Harry… If you would've caught up to her, what would you have done?"

"I…"

Remus didn't give enough time for Harry to answer. He didn't want to hear it. He just wanted Harry to understand the seriousness of his actions tonight, to understand how lucky he was to be standing here in the kitchen with him, alive and without any serious injuries other than the small scratches that Remus had been able to heal for him.

"Did you really think you could kill Bellatrix Lestrange tonight? Is that what you wanted to do? To stoop so far down to her level?" Remus spat causing Harry to step back. "Harry, to use a killing curse and for it to actually succeed, you have to feel an absurd amount of hatred, so great it consumes your entire soul. Do you really think you have that much hatred inside of you? Regardless of the fact that she killed your godfather?"

Remus frowned down at Harry, waiting for him to answer, wondering what he had to say to that.

Harry ran a hand through his wet hair, shaking his head as he spoke, "I'm not sure, but it feels like it. It feels like I hate her enough that I can do it…" He then glared up at Remus. "I thought you would understand why I ran off after her!" Harry shouted. "You loved Sirius too! He wasn't just my godfather, he was your best mate, he was your boyfriend! And Bellatrix just killed him! I had to do something, Remus! Don't you want to get back at her for what she's done? To make her hurt as much as she hurt us?!"

"Oh, believe me, I wanted to attack her, believe me I did too, Harry. I understand why you did it, but your…"

"Then why are you getting pissed at me if you wanted to go after her too? Why didn't you?!" Harry shouted before Remus could finish what he was saying.

All his patience disappeared out of the frosted window and before he knew it, Remus was shouting back, "Hey, don't throw this back at me! You were the one acting stupid and reckless tonight! You were the one who wanted to kill her!"

"I never said that! I said I wasn't sure!"

"What was your bloody plan, then? To get yourself fucking killed?!" Remus shouted. "Harry, you have to stop being so bloody reckless like that! Bellatrix led you into an ambush! You're not invincible, you're so bloody lucky nothing happened to you and Ginny! What if she had gotten hit by a dangerous spell, huh? Or you?! For Merlin's sake, Harry! That is why I'm so fucking angry with you right now, either of you could've died tonight! Don't you realize that? Don't you care about that? And all for revenge on Bellatrix!"

With Remus' shout still echoing in the kitchen, Harry tore his gaze away from Remus and wrapped his arms around himself. "I didn't want Ginny to follow me…"

Remus heavily sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose for a second. The storm of emotions inside him was starting to settle down. Remus wasn't angry anymore, he just wanted Harry to understand.

He took a few deep breaths, watching Harry sulk with his gaze trained on his sock-covered feet, his nails digging into his arms, scratching….

Remus knelt down so he was at Harry's eye level, placing his hands around Harry's own to stop his nails from digging into his skin.

"Stop, cub, you're hurting yourself…"

Harry flinched violently at his touch, but Remus didn't let go. He knew this was the wrong way to deal with Harry's anxiety, but Remus was too tired and so was Harry. He tried to regain eye contact with Harry, wanting him to understand that he wasn't trying to hurt him nor punish him like Vernon Dursley would've. Remus just wanted Harry to stop scratching himself, wanted him to understand just how scared Remus was tonight at almost losing him, how scared Molly and Arthur were at losing their only daughter. Remus wanted Harry to understand that he was upset with him for good reason.

"Let go of me!"

"Harry, cub…listen to me first…"

Harry turned his face away, his nostrils flared and the corners of his lips turned down into an angry frown.

"Cub, please… Look at me… I'm not hurting you…"

Harry wouldn't meet his eye, so Remus continued in a stern and no-nonsense voice, "I understand why you ran off, believe me, I really do… But Bellatrix isn't worth the cost of your life, of your soul." Remus squeezed Harry's hands. "Killing a person like that…well, it changes you. You can never come back from an act like that. I don't want that for you…" Remus lectured, still trying to catch Harry's eye. "That is why I'm upset…" At that, Harry flinched again, trying to recoil away but Remus kept a firm hold on him. "Don't you worry, I'm not going to punish you… I'm just saying I'm upset for a good reason… I really thought I had lost you for a moment in that field. Don't you understand how scared I was for you, Harry?"

Harry only continued to pull his hands away once Remus finished speaking. Remus still kept his hold, afraid he'll lose him again if he let go. Desperation for Harry to just calm down and realize what Remus was saying to him made his chest feel tight.

"Harry, I almost bloody lost you tonight!"

Harry stopped pulling his hands away. With those last words, Remus' emotions…the hurt and fear and desperation for Harry to understand the seriousness of his actions tonight came out in Remus' voice. Harry must've heard it because he finally turned his face back towards Remus, his green eyes glittering behind his glasses.

Remus just kept talking, relieved that he got Harry's attention now.

"Don't you ever put yourself in such reckless danger like that again. Getting revenge on what Bellatrix has done, that is not up to you!" Harry flinched again but Remus kept going, "Don't you worry about Bellatrix. She'll get what's coming to her soon enough, believe me on that!"

Harry began fighting out of Remus' tight hold again. "Let go of me!" he shouted, his green eyes swirling with anger, grief and guilt, swimming in unshed tears.

Remus sighed out with frustration and released him, then stood up, feeling the ache of old injuries in his knees from kneeling down. "I apologize for being so harsh, Harry. I just want you to understand the seriousness of this."

"You forget then!" Harry spat, stepping back so that he was out of arm's reach of Remus. "You forget that I've already killed people! I've lost my soul already… Professor Quirrel, Cedric Diggory! If killing them didn't take it… I'm destined to kill Voldemort anyways…that should just about do it, so killing Bellatrix won't change anything!"

"Their deaths were not your fault. Quirrel wasn't even human anymore. Voldemort killed him long before you did. And Cedric Diggory's death was never your fault. You didn't point your wand at him, you didn't cast that spell. It was Pettigrew, not you, Harry!"

Harry shook his head at Remus' words. "I made him take the portkey with me! I led him to his death! I as good as killed him!" Harry shouted, his voice echoing in the kitchen. Tears started to finally spill slowly down Harry's cheeks as he said in a lower voice, cracking with emotion, "Don't you see, Remus? I have no soul, you have nothing to worry about."

Remus felt his heart break at that. It wasn't true, but what could he say to convince Harry of that? Bloody hell…how he wished Severus were here to help Harry through this. He always seemed to know what to say, to know what to do when it came to this sort of parenting. And looking at Harry standing there, visibly shaking, wiping the tears away from his face, Remus knew he had to try to comfort Harry without Severus, to make him see he was very wrong indeed. He did still have a soul… Remus hadn't meant for Harry to interpret his lecture that way.

"Harry… Harry, you do still have a soul. I didn't mean for you to take my lecture that way. You are not responsible for those deaths. I meant killing in revenge and cold blood. What happened to you with them…those were accidents, you had nothing to do with that… Those deaths…they just happened…"

Harry just continued to wipe more falling tears from his eyes. Remus stepped forward, wanting to comfort him. Harry saw that and recoiled from him, stepping further back.

Remus felt his heart break. "Cub…"

At Remus' plea, Harry finally looked directly at Remus, his face twisted with anger and hurt. "Now that you're with Severus, do you even miss Sirius anymore?" he spat. And Remus knew Harry was only saying that to hurt Remus, and they did… He did… His words struck Remus right in the heart, as if Harry had actually struck him with lightning from his very own wand.

There was silence. Remus was at a loss for words. The air between them was so tense, crackling and rumbling and snapping with Harry's underage magic. His power was always tied to his emotions.

"Harry…" Remus' voice was calm and low. "Why would you say that?"

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it again. His body was shaking harder than ever now. Regret glistened in his eyes. More tears, fat and warm, began rolling down his cheeks, faster than before. And before Remus could say anything else, Harry suddenly turned and ran out of the kitchen.

"Harry!" Remus called to him but was answered back by the slamming of his bedroom door along with a crashing sound.

Remus followed after him, finding out that the crashing sound had come from a few picture frames that had fallen off the wall.

All he could do was stare at the closed door and fallen frames in shock.

"Bloody hell, Severus! Where the fuck are you!" Remus muttered to himself as he banished the broken glass and frames with a wave of his hand. He picked up the portraits. They were just a few paintings that were his mother's, of wolves and scenic landscapes, of the mountains and the forest their cabin was hidden in. His mother had always tried to make it a point to Remus that wolves were beautiful creatures and not at all monstrous, hence the wolf decor around the cabin. Remus sighed and carefully placed them in the folds of a book for safekeeping until he could put them in new frames.

Remus stayed by the bookshelf for a moment, pulling himself together, reigning in his frustration, his hurt and all other emotions swirling around inside of him. Remus knew Harry hadn't meant what he said, he was just angry and hurt from their argument, triggered and most likely still worried and scared for Severus… He hadn't meant that, but still…still it hurt to hear him say that… It wasn't true. Remus would always love Sirius. He'll never stop…but he has to move on… And Harry still has a soul. He didn't want Harry to go on thinking that any longer than he had to, and with that thought, Remus decided to try talking to him again. Hopefully now, Harry was a bit calmer.

He went to Harry's bedroom door, knocking gently to alert Harry of his presence before turning the doorknob, but it was locked. He could sense the magic over the room. It was done with Harry's underage magic, magic that was a bit more powerful than normal and sometimes slipped when Harry was emotional, particularly angry. Remembering the time when Harry accidentally blew up his aunt before running away from Privet Drive and the last time Remus was locked out like this after an argument between them, Remus knew Harry wouldn't be able to open the door until the magic wore off or when he completely calmed down or most likely when Severus returned; just like the last time.

But Remus couldn't help but still try… "Harry, please let me in."

There was no answer.

"Cub…"

Still no answer.

Remus sighed out loudly with frustration, exhaustion and guilt. "I apologize for shouting like that towards you… I shouldn't have been so rough and harsh like that… And I know I have triggered you… I was just so bloody scared tonight, Harry…"

Remus paused, waiting to see if Harry would answer back or if his magic would unlock the door. But there was no change. The door was still locked. It was still quiet on the other side.

"You have a soul, Harry. Just believe me on that at least… And you can sit in there and be angry all you want. I'll let you be… But I just want you to understand that if you were indeed soulless, you wouldn't be the Harry I know and love as my son. You would be a cold and heartless person and you are not that, not even in the slightest… Trust me on that, cub…"

There was still no answer. It was no surprise. Remus didn't really expect one. He pointed his wand at Harry's door and muttered the charm that would alert him if Harry was in pain or if he left his room. Just in case… And so far, to Remus' relief, the spell told him that Harry wasn't hurting himself.

Remus stepped away from the door. He shouldn't have been so harsh like that with Harry, but what he said was true. Seeing his cub run off like that, jumping over the flames and losing sight of him in the dark field where not only Bellatrix Lestrange and the threat of only Merlin knew how many Death Eaters were lying in wait to ambush Harry and Ginny, but also knowing that Greyback was there, hiding in the shadows… Harry could've been taken by him again. And the panic that Remus had felt while running blindly in the field and marshes with Tonks and Arthur behind him started to flare up again.

He remembered again those red eyes gleaming in the shadows of the tall grass, caused from the light of Arthur's wand. The bared yellow fangs twisting in an ugly smile just before Bellatrix appeared… And this time…this time…Remus couldn't help but finally let out a deep shudder of fear, his body visibly trembling as he felt icy chills traveling up and down his spine, as if those red eyes were watching him again. But because of the wards, Remus knew Greyback wasn't really here. It was just his fear getting the best of him, but still….

He pointed his wand at every window of the cabin, closing every curtain. He just couldn't get rid of the horror he was feeling at the thought of Greyback watching him and Tonks. How did Greyback even find his way back to Voldemort and the Death Eaters? It only meant one thing then… Remus realized with dread pooling heavily and nauseating into his stomach, that this was solid proof of the Ministry and Azkaban being infiltrated. Now Greyback was out there, free to find Remus again, free to watch him until he decides to attack again.

And Remus wondered…

The last time they'd fought, Remus had bested Greyback who ended up almost dying between Remus' jaws, his fangs sinking into Greyback's flesh. That meant if Remus were to ever join Greyback's pack, Remus wouldn't be joining just as a beta, second in command to Greyback… He would be joining as the rightful leader, the true leader to Greyback's pack. Did Greyback know that?

He has to… Remus thought. Unless he chose to ignore it… But his pack would know… They would sense the change of leadership, he may have trouble controlling them now… All the more reason for him to be coming after me now….

Why couldn't Greyback just accept that Remus was never going to join his pack? Even as a leader. Why was Greyback so obsessed with him when he most likely has stronger werewolves like Rowan who would make a stronger leader or beta than Remus. Who wanted to be one, who was able and dedicated to making their pack stronger.

What is so special about me?

Compared to Rowan, Remus was small and scrawny. Not at all used to roughing it out in the woods as a way of life. He could never be as wild and strong and bloodthirsty as the werewolves living like that, and especially Greyback's pack. He would seem to them as a pampered house dog living among humans. Why would Greyback want that as a leader or beta to his pack?

Does Greyback really think I could be like that? Become like that? That I could be wild and powerful and develop a taste for humans until my eyes turn red, just like Rowan, just like him? And what is the purpose of having Rowan perform the mating bond on me? Why was Rowan so keen to do it, most importantly? He doesn't even know me… We've never met until tonight….

Lost in thought, searching for any reasonable answer to his questions, Remus gingerly touched the open bite on his neck, tacky with drying blood. Remus flinched from the sudden burn his touch caused it. It brought back the feel of Rowan's tight grip on his jaw, those yellow sharp nails scraping his skin, piercing until blood began to well up. A show of power, Remus reminded himself of the strength behind that grip, the way Rowan's callused thumb slowly swiped over Remus' lips… A show of dominance… Does he know I'm his rightful leader? Remus recalled the way Rowan forced Remus' face at an angle, biting down into his neck, fangs sinking into his flesh but not enough to kill, to only mark, to claim as his… The power Remus felt in it, the magic of the mating bond flowing through his bloodstream… A show of him claiming me as his mate… But why? And shame washed over Remus, for just letting it happen and the possibility of Severus being there, watching among the Death Eaters surrounding the small group, unseen, ready to attack again… Would Severus know what it was? What it meant?

Remus thought deeper what the mating bond meant in a pack…the oldest rules and traditions required….

Would Severus still want me if he knew?

The roles between Remus and Rowan now… If Remus shall ever accept it, accept his place as leader and Rowan's mate, then that would make Rowan… And then everything became clearer… Greyback had Rowan there for a reason… He planned it… Answers began to form… Remus had kept his eyes glaring at Greyback the whole time Rowan was attached to his neck. Greyback knew Remus was the rightful leader of his pack, Rowan knew… And Rowan's mating bite was the answer to solving Greyback's problem… Disgusted, Remus felt his heart beat increase at the realization, yet he didn't let himself dwell on it any further… Didn't let himself voice the answer to himself.

This felt too much like when Greyback had branded Remus with the silver rod. A show of power to force Remus to accept his place in his pack, reminding him of what he really was, but this time, it was in front of the people Remus was close to. Greyback wanted them to see firsthand how monstrous Remus really was, a dark creature… That he didn't belong with them. A wolf hiding among humans, trying to live like them. The bite was now just more visible evidence of that… Permanent… And the scent of his burning flesh against silver was suddenly in Remus' nose, mingling with the drying blood on his neck, causing Remus to feel like he wanted to be sick and everything that happened tonight, all of his conclusions on why Greyback had Rowan give him the mating bite, began to spin around him, like a replay of an old muggle horror film in his mind.

Remus forced himself out of his thoughts, standing in the middle of the living room with all of the curtains closed, holding his head in his hands. If Harry should decide at that moment to finally leave his room and see Remus here, Harry would think Remus had gone mad. It certainly felt like it, like Remus was going mad. A headache was blossoming from behind his eyes. He massaged his temples, feeling dizzy, trying to regain some balance from his spiral. What happened tonight with him, Rowan and Greyback… It was crazy, it was mad, it was disgusting… Remus feared he would never escape them now. And what made everything so much worse was that Remus could still feel the ghost of Rowan's touch gripping his face tight, his thumb caressing his lips. He could still hear Rowan's chilling words in his ears, promising things Remus didn't want to think about… He felt so fucking dirty… He needed a drink.

Remus took a deep breath… No, he needed a shower… A shower was best… He was covered in mud and blood, and the stink of it was strong enough to allow Remus to pull himself together and think more clearly… And perhaps after a shower, the need to drink would be gone. Remus couldn't, wouldn't let himself give into drinking tonight. That was the last thing he needed.

Remus went into his and Severus' bedroom and into the private bathroom inside, closing and locking the door behind him.

He stripped off his dirty clothes, tossing them into a dirty pile on the floor. While he was doing that, he caught a quick glimpse of himself in the mirror, dirty, with his neck and shoulder crusted with drying and tacky blood. Remus averted his gaze away from his reflection, stepping naked and shivering into the shower.

He raised the temperature as high as it could go. The steam from the heat rising and curling up around him, burning his skin hot. Remus stood underneath the water, letting it burn and wash away the ghost of Rowan's touch, those golden-tinted red eyes and the way they studied his body with such interest up and down, a thumb swiping over Remus' lips, a caress as if he wanted to kiss them or bite them. Remus scrubbed himself harder with a washcloth until his skin felt raw. The bite on his neck burning from the soap. The water streaming down, murky from dirt and blood. And when Remus was done scrubbing himself and all of the soap had washed everything away, he still stood underneath the water for a very long time, long after the water began to run cold.

After he finally forced himself out of the shower with the sound of the water dripping from the spouts and landing on the porcelain floor of the tub, loud and echoing in the steamed bathroom, Remus stood in front of the bathroom mirror with a towel wrapped around his waist. He wiped the steam off of the glass, feeling ready now to see his reflection, now that he was clean and his body was scrubbed red raw until he couldn't feel Rowan touching him anymore.

He looked exhausted from the long night. His eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath them. Just like Harry, small scratches were littered across Remus' face from running through the field. And huge purple bruises, the shape of Rowan's fingers dotted his chin and jawline, along with scratches from his sharp nails.

Remus leant forward to examine them more closely, feeling the tenderness of the bruises with tentative fingers. Then his eyes traveled down to the crook of his neck. The bite was no longer bleeding, yet the skin around the puncture marks of Rowan's teeth and sharp canine fangs looked inflamed, most likely from Remus scrubbing it hard in the shower. Then again, it was covered in dirt and soot. The wound looked as if it hadn't even started to heal itself yet. Which worried him because Remus has always been able to heal a bit faster than humans. Can mating bites get infected? Remus wondered, not liking how red the wound was looking. There was also a dark deep purple bruise surrounding the bite. Remus was afraid to touch it, just in case it started bleeding again, yet he really was worried of infection.

Remus rummaged through the cabinets until he found a magical balm for cleaning wounds of infections and helping them to heal along with a whole kit of medical potions, balms and supplies. And Remus was grateful for Severus, this had to be his doing. Living with a teenager who has a history of cutting himself and a werewolf that's prone to new injuries every month, Remus couldn't blame him for being so overly prepared. He had everything Remus could ever think of needing.

"Merlin, Severus! And I'll never make fun of you for acting like a mother hen ever again," Remus muttered to himself.

He lifted his neck at an angle, feeling the punctured skin tighten at the movement. Remus unscrewed the lid off the jar and dabbed his fingers into the cool gel then gently rubbed it into his wound…and sure enough, it started to bleed again.

"Bloody hell!" Remus huffed with irritation as he pressed a towel against it, applying pressure to stop the bleeding.

He could try a few healing spells but the wound was too serious, too big and already showing signs of infection. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, he could just end up making it worse. Besides, Remus had done some reading on the old traditions of the werewolf packs when he was a teenager. He couldn't remember everything clearly but he was sure he'd read that no spell could help close it up. It was a bite from another werewolf as a magical mating bond symbol. It had to heal on its own to ensure that the scar wouldn't go away. Perhaps that's why his fast werewolf healing hadn't been able to close up the wound. And Remus tried to remember anything about mating bites becoming infected, but he couldn't remember. And he was pretty sure after all these years, those books were still on top of his wardrobe out of sight and covered in dust in his old bedroom, the one Harry had locked himself in.

He would have to wait to get those books once Harry unlocked the door. And standing there, looking at his pale and bruised reflection with a towel pressed to his bleeding neck, Remus had never felt more pathetic.

When Severus returned, how was he going to explain all of this? Maybe there was a chance of Severus not hiding in the field with the Death Eaters… Hope flickered… Severus might not have seen what happened… He might not know…Then the flicker of hope died. Of course Severus would know… Remus was being delusional. Severus has to be at the Order meeting by now, and based on Remus' and Arthur's departing words, Remus was sure Arthur was going to report what had happened between him and Rowan to everyone. Remus wasn't even upset by it, he understood Arthur had to.

Severus probably already knew what happened then… And when he'll finally return, he'll see the bruises on Remus' face, the inflamed bite on his neck. The evidence of Remus' weakness, of letting himself be touched, letting himself be claimed by another as if he were an object, an animal, a bloody fucking creature… Would Severus still want him after this? Would he look at him the same way? How could he with this bite… Once it healed it'll be an ugly scar, an ugly reminder of Rowan claiming Remus as his mate… A heavy weight of shame and disgust pooled heavily into his stomach, his face burning hot with humiliation. And the urge to drink, to lose himself in a bottle of wine came back stronger than before. Remus wanted to drink until he couldn't think straight, couldn't feel anymore….

Anger rose up in Remus for wanting to drink… It was pathetic… He was pathetic! He swiped at the mirror, messing up the clear image of himself, making his reflection blurry with the steam and water sticking to the glass, as if it would erase away his reflection. As if it could erase away the bite on his neck and the bruises littering his jaw.

Remus lifted the cloth to see that the bleeding finally stopped, it was burning like mad though… He carefully rinsed it out again and dabbed a bit more ointment on it, making the wound feel loads better. This time he was successful with not irritating it even further and causing it to bleed again. He managed to wrap it up, then he quickly dressed in his flannel pajama pants and an oversized wool sweater and thick socks.

Remus made his way back to the kitchen, quietly opening up cabinets until he came across the red wine bottle Severus had received from Dumbledore that very morning for Christmas. A morning that felt like a lifetime away. How could a day start off so great, then end so disastrously?

Clutching the bottle tightly, Remus didn't know where to go for a moment. He couldn't bring himself to relax in the living room with Harry's closed door nearby. He didn't want Harry to come out and see him halfway through the wine bottle. And the kitchen felt empty. The echoes of himself singing just that very morning, of Harry joining along and laughing, of Severus scowling at their antics as he cooked breakfast for them. Remus tried to recall the scents of that morning, the smell of breakfast, of coffee and hot chocolate mixed together… But the only thing he could recall was the scent of his burning flesh against silver, that scent was still trapped in his nose, even after hours in the shower… And the echoes of his and Harry's argument chased away the laughter and singing from the morning… Suddenly Remus couldn't stand to be in the kitchen any longer or even the cabin itself. He wanted that smell out of his nose, he wanted the echoes of he and Harry shouting at each other to stop… Remus needed air, it was too hot, too suffocating…

And what was taking Severus so long? Why wasn't he back yet? It has been a couple of hours now, the Order meeting must be wrapping up by now. Was Severus even at the meeting? Was he safe at Hogwarts or was he still sitting by Voldemort's side? Or… Remus stopped that thought, still clenching the wine bottle tightly to himself. He didn't dare think of the worst reasons for Severus' long absence… It was bad enough that he was already feeling sick with worry, along with all of the emotions churning inside of him from the night.

Remus felt the wolf inside him stir from all of his human emotions. It brought Remus back a bit, enough to steady himself and finally decided to just sit out on the porch swing and wait for Severus there.

First, Remus checked Harry's door. It was still locked. He checked the charm again, just in case… Just to be sure it was still working… So far, Harry hadn't attempted any self-harm to his relief. He's gotta be asleep by now… Perhaps in the morning they could talk again….

And just before he opened the front door, Remus found Severus' Slytherin scarf hanging on the coat rack. He picked it up and wrapped it around his neck, inhaling Severus' scent, finally chasing away the memory of his burnt flesh out of his nose. Remus sighed with relief, acknowledging the fact that it also covered up his bandaged neck.

Snow was falling heavily from the dark clouded sky, the cold biting Remus' nose and cheeks. The temperature had dropped since he and Harry had arrived at the cabin, but consumed in a deep gloom, Remus hardly felt it. The wine bottle, unopened, was still in his hands as he sat down. The porch swing swinging back and forth…back and forth… Still debating if he should drink it or not… The promise he and Severus made together to quit drinking echoing in his head.

The half-moon suddenly emerged from the clouds. Remus looked up at it, admiring it, feeling the wolf in him stir again, but this time for a different reason other than human emotions.

Who the bloody fuck is Rowan? Remus couldn't help but wonder with annoyance, gazing at the moon and its silver light casting down on the frozen lake, making everything glow silver. Remus had never heard of him until tonight. He was confident now that Rowan was never at the werewolf camp. Remus was sure if he had, then Rowan would've made his presence known to him, with the way he had looked at Remus tonight with such special interest… Remus was sure he was right, and was sure that Rowan had known exactly who Remus was…because of Greyback… They were up to something… Rowan and Greyback… They made some sort of bargain or plan and Remus was caught in the middle of it as their trading piece. The way Rowan had touched Remus, looked at him, forcibly marked Remus as his… Remus' hands began to shake… Remus knew why… He knew the answer, but he had stopped himself earlier from thinking about it any further.

Remus was now the rightful leader of Greyback's pack. Greyback knew that, and he was sure Rowan knew that as well. Remus saw it in his eyes. But was Greyback willing to hand leadership of his pack over to Remus? Greyback and his pack were known to follow the oldest werewolf traditions, that is what made him and his pack so bloodthirsty and dangerous. They were the most wanted pack in all of Britain because of their way of life. Most werewolves gathered in colonies out in no man's country, rural areas where there were no humans around for miles and miles, living off the land and animals that were found, hunting in packs, changing under the full-moon far away with no humans around. Those were the colonies that Remus joined under Dumbledore's orders and Remus had come to know most of them, respecting their way of life.

But Greyback and his pack…with their red eyes and their fangs dripping with human blood. Remus…he had heard of rumors when he'd spent time in the colonies…rumors of cannibalism going on in Greyback's pack. That is what made their eyes so red… What made them so mad and unhinged and evil… Remus felt his hands shake even more at the thought of himself being a leader to them. They hunted humans like prey. They did it by positioning themselves just before the full-moon rose near villages. They were also known to steal children, biting them and adding more werewolves to their ranks.

Greyback would never just hand over his leadership to a werewolf living among humans, Remus was sure of that. Remus could change everything if he really wanted to, if he should ever step up as leader. Perhaps that is what Greyback was afraid of, why Greyback had Rowan give him the mating bite, to insure the safety of his pack's way of living, the old traditions they live by, that they remain the strongest, the most dangerous, most bloodthirsty and wildest werewolf pack in all of Britain. Remus wondered if Greyback was angry about this, about him having to step down… But the look in Greyback's eyes as Rowan was biting Remus' neck, they were glittering with triumph… Greyback must really trust Rowan… If Rowan became mates with Remus then that would make Rowan second in command to Remus, if Remus remembered the texts he read in the books well enough… He really needed them to confirm his theory. But if Remus was correct, then Rowan would indeed be his beta, his second in command who would have influence over Remus' leadership, who would be able to keep an eye on Remus… That way…that way Remus wouldn't change anything. Greyback was probably hoping that Remus would be brainwashed by Rowan, he felt that in the way Rowan gripped his jaw, the way he spoke to him, with dominance… If Remus should let himself fall under that then he would become what Greyback always wanted him to be, just not as beta to his pack but leader… The leader Greyback saw in Remus….

Remus shuttered with disgust. That had to be Greyback's plan to solve this change of leadership in his pack. And Remus wondered if Greyback would still have any leadership role if Remus should decide to take his place. What would happen to him? And he realized that in the end, after everything… Greyback was a bit closer to what he wanted… His pack being ruled by his son. Remus shuttered again… No… Never… I'm never going to join them… It's never going to happen… I'll make him wait forever… I'm not taking my place as leader….

And darker thoughts began to take over… Like what if this was Greyback's plan all along? Did he want to be beaten by Remus so this could play out, so Remus could be trapped by the old magic of tradition? Or was this just Greyback taking advantage of the situation, playing his cards right so everything still ended up in his favor?

And why Rowan? Who was he to Greyback? What made him so important? Did he have to make any sort of deal with Greyback to be the one to perform the mating bite on Remus? Was he maybe the most strongest and bloodthirsty member of Greyback's pack? And Remus felt his face pale a bit because he suddenly realized Kaylie grew up in that pack, she was there before the training camp. Did she grow up with that monster so near her? Was she ever forced to eat like them, hunt like them… Her eyes were still golden… Not a hint of red….

And before Remus could stop himself or give any more thought on why he shouldn't, he was opening the wine bottle. The pop of the cork rang loud on the porch, joining the sound of the heavy winds that started. The half-moon was now half hidden by approaching storm clouds. Remus took a long chug, then continued drinking and drinking until he began to feel the dizzying sensation of a good buzz. He wasn't even halfway through the bottle yet, surprised, Remus examined the label. Usually he wouldn't feel anything until he was two wine bottles in. The perks of being a werewolf… Remus thought savagely to himself. He could really hold his alcohol… Cheers to Dumbledore… This wine bottle was more than decent… It was pricey… More than the clothes on Remus' back that was for sure. Why was Dumbledore gifting Severus such an expensive wine for Christmas? Remus took another long chug, not dwelling on the answer. He was done thinking about things for the night. He took another chug and another and another until he couldn't even remember why he was feeling such cold fear, disgust and a mixture of horror and guilt for a young girl lost….

.

.

Remus had no idea how long he sat out there, but it was long enough that he began to feel another drop of the temperature, forcing him to set a blue fire into a small bell jar that was found on the side table. The warmth of the blue flames and the buzz of the wine kept him from shivering, and he must've fallen asleep because suddenly pale and cold hands were gently pulling the bottle away.

Remus opened his eyes and his heart leapt in his throat. A lump formed, preventing him from speaking. Dark obsidian eyes, so dark that it reminded Remus of underground tunnels that have never known the light of the sun, yet somehow, they bore its warmth.

Severus… He finally returned….

Remus watched him frown at the less than half empty wine bottle before placing it on the side table.

"Severus…" Remus finally managed to say, his voice raspy from sleep was filled with heart-wrenching relief. He wasn't sure if this was real or if he was in a wine-induced coma and dreaming.

Severus whipped his head around, surprised to find Remus awake. And suddenly Remus was pulled into a tight embrace.

Remus wrapped his arms around him. He could feel Severus burying his face into the scarf Remus was wearing, feeling his warm breath on his skin, soft kisses peppering the side of his neck. It reminded Remus of the hidden wound but he didn't pull away, not yet, he wasn't ready to let go just yet.

"I apologize for taking so long to get back to you," Severus murmured against him.

The vibration of Severus' voice, the warmth of his breathy words against his neck sent butterflies in Remus' stomach. And all Remus could do was just continue holding him, almost wanting to cry at the thought of himself coming so close to losing this man in his arms. His eyes filled with warm tears making his vision blurry but they didn't spill over. Remus buried his face into the crook of Severus' neck, inhaling his warm and comforting scent. It chased away the horrors of the night that were slowly creeping back to him now that the buzz of the wine was wearing off.

Remus exhaled, his breath coming out frosty. He felt the tension in his body melt away, savoring Severus' embrace. And he now knew he wasn't dreaming. This was real… It was real… Severus really was back, safe and whole in his arms. He glided his hands over Severus, feeling for any bandages or any signs of injury and to his relief, there was nothing.

"I'm okay, darling, I'm not hurt," Severus whispered.

Remus only sighed in response, holding him tighter, closing his eyes, savoring the moment he'd been waiting for all day.

Remus had no idea how long they sat there, holding each other, and once they pulled away, he instantly missed Severus' warmth.

In the glow of the blue flames dancing in the jar, Severus held Remus' face, studying him with a crease in his eyebrows and a worried frown. Remus averted his eyes away from him with shame. He knew Severus was taking in the scratches scattered around his face, the dark bruises on his chin and jawline. He didn't want to see Severus' eyes travel down to his neck, to the bandaged wound that was hidden underneath the Slytherin scarf.

Rowan's red-tinted eyes swam in Remus' mind, reminding him of his theories on the reason for Rowan to give Remus his mating bite, for Greyback to allow it. His red eyes glittering maliciously and triumphant as Remus glared into them… Again he thought of the very old books on werewolves in his childhood bedroom collecting dust, hidden on top of the wardrobe. Only Dumbledore knew about them, since he was the one who had given them to Remus years and years ago. Remus didn't dare show them to his friends. The information in them was sick. Traditions and rules that were so ancient. Only Greyback was mad enough to follow them, to want to live by them. And to think, Remus was the true leader to that now… Disgust, shame, a deep bone-chilling fear went down Remus' spine.

He wondered if Severus knew… How was he going to tell him all of this?

Severus must've seen the emotions passing on his face or perhaps in the way Remus couldn't look at him or the way his body tensed at Severus' touch… "Remus, are you okay?"

Remus couldn't answer. His voice was caught in his throat because he wasn't okay…he wasn't… And he didn't know how to answer Severus who was patiently waiting with gentle warm eyes, still holding Remus' face in his hands. Remus couldn't lie and say yes… He would feel terrible about it, and he was sure Severus would read it on his face. And Remus couldn't just say the truth and say no because then it would only bring up more questions… Then Remus would have to explain everything… And he didn't feel ready to have that conversation yet, wasn't ready to see those warm dark eyes looking at him like he was some sort of monster…no, even worse…a leader of monsters….

"Have you put anything on these bruises and scratches?" Severus asked, gently angling Remus' face to examine them.

Remus tore his face away. Severus' hold on his chin reminded him too much of the way Rowan had gripped him tight and rough.

"That's a no then…"

And to that Remus didn't respond.

Severus eyed him warily, taking out his wand. "I'm able to heal minor scratches… May I? The bruising though… I'm not very good with that but I do have a balm for it. It works wonders… I had used it for Harry when he first arrived in my care. You should've seen the bruises he had…"

"I can take care of myself!" Remus snapped. He had no idea why he was suddenly becoming so defensive towards Severus. Remus was very much sure that Severus knew what happened tonight. Why then was he still looking at him with such concern, talking to Remus as if he still saw him as human? He pities me… He must see me as his wounded dog… Remus couldn't help but think darkly.

Severus stiffened. "I never thought you couldn't." His voice sounded tired, worried and even a bit hurt.

Remus felt bad at his sudden defensive and dark mood. Deep down, underneath it all, he really knew that Severus was just trying to help, that he would never see Remus as an injured dog… He was just feeling so wretched about himself after everything that happened.

He slowly and finally met Severus' worried gaze, and flickering in those dark, dark depths, the blue flames from the bell jar danced. It illuminated Severus' features, and Remus took in his haggard appearance, his hair…greasy and limp, looking tangled from the long, long night.

And shame washed over Remus. He shook his head, rubbing his eyes hard against the palms of his hands. "I'm sorry…" Remus muttered.

Severus only shook his head and muttered, "Accio Bruising Balm."

It took a silent moment of Remus still hiding behind the palms of his hands and Severus watching him warily. Their silence was then quickly broken by the sound of a jar clinking against the window. Remus put his hands down, watching Severus leaning over to open the window behind them, the porch swing swaying from his movement as he plucked the tiny jar out of midair before closing the window shut.

Severus settled himself once more, the porch swing now still.

"Can I?" Severus asked. "Or do you want to do it on your own?"

Remus lifted up his chin in response. "Go ahead…" he muttered.

Severus leant forward, pointing his wand on each of Remus' scratches, muttering a quick incantation. It was the same spell Remus had used for Harry's scratches in the kitchen, just before their argument.

Remus didn't say a word, he kept his eyes on Severus the whole time. Watching the gentle concentration in his eyes as he angled Remus' face this way and that… His grip was so much softer and with so much care. Not at all aggressive and dominating… Severus then let go for only a moment to open the jar of Bruising Balm, then gently took Remus' chin in his hand again, rubbing the balm into the tender bruises with cool fingers.

"That should help clear it up in a few hours…" Severus said, letting go of Remus to close up the jar and clean off his hands with a charm.

Remus nodded. The tenderness was already fading a bit. "Thank you, Severus…"

Severus fixed his eyes back on Remus, this time they flashed with icy-black flames.

"Tonks told me her version of what happened in the field after the meeting… Arthur, he was the one who addressed the Order on what happened, but he was behind you with Harry… Tonks, she was right next to you…" Severus continued with his voice sounding like an angry growl. "She told me what she saw…" His eyes then traveled down to the Slytherin scarf around his neck. "She told me what you called it… Let me see it."

Remus shook his head, his cheeks turning red.

Severus sighed out loudly with frustration. "Remus, let me see it."

Remus only brought the scarf closer to him. He didn't want to start an argument, but the sick turmoil of his emotions that he'd been feeling all day, all night, the worry and fear for Severus' life, paired with the fact that Severus was trying to force Remus in showing him Rowan's bite on his neck and showing signs of anger over it, it all brought back Remus' walls of defense. He didn't want Severus to see it. Everything started boiling together, turning into anger. And the thing that bothered Remus the most was Severus' confirmation that he was indeed at the Order meeting for the past few hours and he didn't send a message.

He glanced over Severus' body. He didn't appear hurt, Remus hadn't felt any bandages on him when they were holding each other. That meant he was well enough to at least send Remus a message that he was alright once he'd arrived at Hogwarts, instead of leaving him to worry sick over him all night, as if he hadn't had enough of that during the day.

Suddenly a gentle hand squeezed his knee. It was Severus, reading the anger in his eyes most likely. "Fine, don't show me then… But please, Remus, don't shut me out."

Remus pulled his knees up to his chest, his feet on the swing, causing it to sway back and forth. His gaze moved away from Severus and out into the frozen lake. The small snow storm that had started earlier before Remus fell asleep had quieted down. There was now a fresh layer of snow on the ice, sparkling and untouched under the glow of the half-moon.

"You could've sent out a patronus to let me know you were okay before the meeting started. I was worried sick, Severus," Remus only muttered in response.

Severus' breath hitched. "I know… And I wanted to, believe me I did…"

Remus took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. The condensation of his breath swirled in front of him in the icy air before fading away. Trying to calm down his emotions, he didn't want to feel the wolf stirring inside him. Then once he felt in control again, Remus tore his eyes away from the frozen lake, turning back to find Severus watching him with caution and concern, as if he were waiting for an argument to break out.

And again, Remus noticed Severus' haggard appearance, and he was wearing a different set of robes than what he had originally left with that morning… Remus hugged his knees closer to himself. He wasn't being fair, he realized. Severus must've had a horrifying hard day just as well… And the anger in his voice, demanding to see Remus' wound on his neck, Remus realized it wasn't just anger but worry as well… He must be so exhausted, then to hear from Tonks what had happened….

"Severus… Forgive me…" Remus said quietly. "Are you hurt? Did Voldemort…"

"No need to apologize, we both had quite a night. And I really am okay. It was nothing I couldn't handle," Severus answered briskly before Remus could finish his question.

Remus could see that Severus wasn't letting on how bad it was, he could see it in the way his body tensed at the mention of Voldemort. His eyes clouded with emotion. Remus was indeed honored that Severus no longer hid his emotions like he did with everyone else, but tonight, he needed more than that.

Tonight they both had walls up that needed to be taken down.

"Severus…" Remus reached out and took his hand in his. His long pale fingers felt so cold. Severus gazed down at their joined hands, threading his fingers between Remus' own. "Be honest with me and I'll be honest with you. No walls."

Severus sighed, his breath coming out through his nose, frosty and cold. Remus only squeezed his hand, waiting patiently.

"The Cruciatus Curse… A few slicing charms on my back…"

Remus swore under his breath in response.

Severus turned his gaze from their hands back to Remus' face. "It really wasn't as bad as it sounds. Madam Pomfrey healed my injuries in no time at all." He then continued with more conviction in his voice as if he really wanted Remus to believe him and even himself that he really was okay. "I'm okay, Remus. I've been enduring this sort of treatment from the Dark Lord for quite a while. He's left me with much worse injuries in the past countless times than the ones I've received from him today. Like I've said, nothing I couldn't handle. I got here in one piece, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but still…" Remus could only say. He tortured you….

Remus' unspoken words hung in the air. Severus sighed out with defeat, condensation of his breath dancing around him. "I know…" he only whispered. "But I'm more worried for you."

Then it was quiet, a comfortable silence, yet the heaviness of the conversation, the unspoken wound on Remus' neck, it still hung in the air between them.

Remus watched as Severus leaned back against the bench, rocking the porch swing just a bit, his obsidian eyes occasionally following the few descending snowflakes. He seemed haunted, as if he were reliving the horrors of the day in his head. Remus squeezed Severus' hand again, reminding him that he was there besides him, that Severus was no longer with Voldemort. That he was home and he was safe.

At the gentle squeeze, Severus broke out of his melancholy trance, looking at Remus. Tears glistened in his eyes like dark obsidian pools, but they didn't fall.

"Tell me what happened, Severus… You're telling me that you're fine, that the summons with Voldemort was nothing you couldn't handle but you're anything but fine, you're haunted. Don't hold it all in. I'm here sitting next to you…still waiting for you…" As Remus spoke, Severus held his gaze, his eyes swirling with pain, guilt and horror. "Talk to me, love…" Remus whispered the term of endearment.

And despite all of the emotions in Severus' eyes, they warmed as Remus spoke.

"I couldn't stop them from attacking the Burrow," he finally revealed in a shaky voice. Remus rubbed the pad of his thumb against the back of Severus' hand, encouraging him to keep going. "The only thing I could do was alter their plan so that it would end differently from what they'd expected…" Severus' breath hitched, "I'm so sorry, Remus… For putting you and Harry into danger tonight…but I couldn't stop them… It was the only way."

Remus frowned. "Voldemort summoned you to help them plan it? Severus, don't punish yourself over this. I'm sure you did everything in your power…"

Severus just shrugged Remus' words away.

"Well, what was their intent behind the attack?"

"It was just a fear tactic. They wanted to get under everyone's skin. It was a Christmas present for the Order of the Phoenix, for Albus… To remind us of their presence."

Remus snorted out in disgust. "Seems like they were trying to start the war."

"Believe me, if they wanted to declare war, then their attack would've been much worse," Severus said. "Also, the Dark Lord, he does know that Harry's under my care on Albus' order… Thanks to Merlin above, he still doesn't know it's an official adoption… I think he was testing me on my loyalty again, to make sure I haven't warmed up to Harry… That I'm still giving him a hard time… The Dark Lord wanted to see if I would react a certain way to their plan or try to stop them… And I wanted to, Remus, I fucking wanted to curse them all into oblivion because death isn't a proper enough punishment for their sorry asses… But I couldn't do anything without blowing my cover. The Dark Lord was watching me so very closely… Their original idea was to set the Burrow on fire with everyone inside. They had a whole fucking map of the Weasley's property, most likely from Wormtail when he lived with the Weasleys."

Remus bared his teeth at the mention of the rat that was once his friend. After everything the Marauders had done for Peter Pettigrew… What a bloody coward and traitor he turned out to be.

"I gave them the idea to have Bellatrix appear out in the yard to scare everyone before they set the Burrow on fire… How did I put it to them?" Severus stopped, going through his memories of the meeting. Remus waited in silence, his fingers still intertwined with Severus' own. Rubbing the soft skin between Severus' thumb and index finger back and forth.

"Ahh… To strike intense fear in your hearts before you burn…" Severus gave a slight shiver. "They liked that idea… Sick bastards," he growled.

Remus wrinkled his nose in disgust. A sick feeling in his gut formed as he thought of what could've happened if Severus wasn't there to change their plan of attack. And the wolf stirred inside him, awaking from Remus' emotions, but he suppressed it down. He didn't want the wolf to show itself anymore tonight.

"That's revolting, Severus. Thank Merlin, you were there."

The way Severus' eyes traveled to Remus' own with a quiet surprise, Remus knew he failed in completely keeping the wolf down. It was probably showing itself in his eyes, golden flecks dotting his hazel irises. Remus blushed, averting his eyes. The wound on his neck was starting to throb a bit.

Severus only watched him. "Yes, thank…" he began but then he suddenly smiled, although it didn't reach his eyes. It was tainted by an intense guilt and despair, Remus could see it in him, in his eyes, in his smile. Severus covered their joined hands with his other free hand, his grip was tight and cold. "How well do I know our kid, Remus?" he said suddenly. "Perhaps we should be thanking Harry and his talent for constantly throwing himself into danger, than thanking Merlin tonight for everyone getting out of the Burrow safely!"

"Severus?" Remus could only ask, not sure what he meant.

"I knew Harry would go after Bellatrix as soon as she appeared in the yard. Harry's had nightmares of her killing Black since he came into my care. I knew this would trigger him. I know how reckless he can be sometimes. And I hoped that you would follow after him, that the sudden commotion would get everyone out of the Burrow. Bellatrix's appearance was a warning from me so that you guys wouldn't get blindly attacked."

"So, you're telling me that Harry's impulsive and reckless behavior tonight saved us?" Remus asked in awe of Severus' brilliance. "Fuck…and me and Harry had such a terrible arguement over it."

The guilt-ridden smile disappeared. "You two fought?" Severus asked worriedly.

Remus sighed at the memory of it. "It was bad enough for him to lock me out of his room. I put the charm over him, that way I'll know if he leaves or tries to hurt himself…"

"Has it gone off?"

"No, he's gotta be asleep by now."

Severus frowned at Remus' words. "Are you ready to talk about what happened tonight? I've heard Arthur's and Tonks' version of tonight, but I want to hear yours…" Again his eyes traveled down to the scarf.

Remus pulled his hands away from Severus, hugging his knees closer to his chest. He was starting to feel cold from the early dawn. He wondered what time it was, but didn't care enough to ask.

Severus only waited for Remus to begin explaining. And Remus knew he had to. It was the least he could do after Severus opened up to him.

"Harry really had a hard time. As soon as you left, he stopped fighting me and he closed up. I just sat with him and talked to him until he pulled himself out of his wall. Then I was able to convince him to come with me to the Burrow, to wait for you there. I wanted him to be around his friends, to be coddled by Molly instead of sitting here in silence…waiting…"

And Remus explained everything that happened. How when they arrived, Harry barely spoke to anyone, sitting by the fire…waiting and waiting…until Scrimgeour came.

Severus stopped Remus in his explanation only to say that he knew of the Minister's visit from the Order meeting. Remus told him how Harry had handled it, the words he'd spoken to Scrimgeour, causing Severus to snort with amusement, pride shining in his eyes for a moment.

Then Remus went on about how Harry seemed to be in a better mood after that. How he joined his friends in games, yet how he had barely eaten. How Harry kept glancing at the fireplace everytime Remus observed him. How he'd caught Harry in the kitchen, Molly talking to him and coaxing him to finally eat something. Severus had sighed at that with frustration, then his eyes shone with relief for Molly. And Remus went on to explain the hours that seemed to pass so slow until Remus couldn't stand to be inside there anymore. How luckily, he, Tonks, and the Weasleys were all standing on the back porch when Bellatrix appeared. Remus kept his conversation with Tonks out, knowing that the young witch was a sore spot for Severus.

"I think I've lectured Harry about running off after Bellatrix maybe a bit too harshly, because it just resulted in hurtful words being exchanged…and I somehow got him thinking he doesn't have a soul…"

"How did that happen?" Severus asked, who had listened the whole time with a worried frown.

Remus went more in depth about the argument. Severus could only shake his head.

"I didn't mean to be so harsh, but he really scared me tonight, Severus. I really thought I was going to lose him. As soon as Bellatrix saw Harry running towards her, she turned and ran into the field behind the Burrow. She left a ring of fire around the house, Harry was able to get through and Ginny followed. I lost sight of them while Tonks, Arthur and I battled down the flames. We couldn't find them once we were on the other side… I had to stop and tune in the wolf…to let it have some control so I could borrow its senses and track them down… Bellatrix led the kids straight into an ambush..."

As Remus explained everything to Severus, the emotions he'd felt that day, his intense fear and panic over losing Harry, the adrenaline coursing through his blood as he ran through that fucking field, lost, the weeds and grass whipping him in the face with razor-sharp leaves… And knowing Greyback was there unseen, so close to his cub again, so close that he could take Harry again… They all began to resurface… But this time, Remus didn't feel the full effect of them consuming him, causing his chest to tighten with anxiety or his hands to shake like before. They ran their course through Remus then faded away, as if finally voicing them out loud to Severus was all he needed…was actually helping….

And when Remus got to the part with Rowan and Greyback, he found with frustration that he couldn't go on anymore. He still couldn't talk about what happened. It was so embarrassing and it wounded his pride. He didn't want to tell Severus how pathetic and weak he was to let Rowan so near him. Then he would have to tell him his theories on the purpose of the mating bite, and admit to Severus about his unwanted new leadership. He didn't want to go down that path, he wanted to pretend that it never happened, but he knew he couldn't ignore it. Eventually he would have to tell Severus. And he did want to, deep inside, he did…because then Remus knew he would be free of the cold fear and disgust everytime he thought of Rowan and Greyback, just like how talking got rid of the other emotions he'd felt over losing Harry and waiting for Severus' return. Just tonight… Remus couldn't… It was all too real still…so raw….

Remus sighed out his frustration and stopped his explanations and his churning thoughts, deciding to turn the conversation towards Severus again.

"Did you know about that part of the plan? Their ambush?" he asked Severus.

"The ambush? No… That wasn't part of my plan. It happened simply in the moment, a quick silent decision by Bellatrix and the Death Eaters. They didn't expect Harry to run, only I did, and it was foolish of me, Remus, risky… I'm relieved my plan worked without any casualties, it was so fucking dangerous…"

Remus only shook his head, hugging his knees closer to himself. He was afraid to ask this question, but it has been bugging him for quite a while. He suddenly had to know… He bowed his head low, his fringe going into his eyes. "Were you there?" Remus asked quietly, feeling Severus' gaze on him. Was Severus there in that field, hiding behind a Death Eater's mask, hidden and watching?

"No," Severus answered.

Remus let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Now that he thought of it, he didn't catch Severus' scent in the air. He believed him. And he lifted his head back up, his eyes back on Severus. "Where were you while the attack was happening?" he asked.

"I was forced to sit besides the Dark Lord until it was over. I had to sit there and pretend I wasn't screaming every imaginable curse word at him from behind my hidden mental shields," Severus spat with disgust. "I had to force myself to stay there, to not abandon my fucking post for fucking Albus Dumbledore! To not just run to you and Harry. And I wasn't allowed to leave until the Death Eaters returned and even then, I couldn't risk looking so eager to depart. I had to wait a while."

"And when you arrived at Hogwarts, what happened?"

"I met Albus at the gates. He was waiting for me. We headed straight to the meeting while I told him everything that happened. Arthur and Tonks then gave their account of what happened in the field. Then I had to give them my version, and while I was speaking, I realized my mistake. Not realizing the possibility of where Bellatrix might lead Harry to once he took off after her. Alastor berated me in front of everyone, but he was right. I screwed up, Remus. I should've tried a better plan, even though mine did work… I had put Harry in so much danger… They could've killed or taken him…"

Severus' voice cracked.

"I am so fucking sorry that you were so scared for Harry tonight, Remus. I didn't mean for that to happen. There was just nothing else I could think of… It was the only option…"

Remus reached out and placed his hand against Severus' cheek, his thumb smoothing over his pale skin. Severus leant into the comforting touch.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Remus said softly. "Your plan worked, Severus. Yes, I had thought I lost Harry. Yes, I was bloody scared out of my mind, but Harry's safe in his room and that is because of you." Remus stared into those dark guilt-ridden eyes, wanting to take it all away, to make sure Severus realized that he'd done everything in his power tonight. And anger at the audacity of Alastor Moody burned through Remus. "Alastor had no right to treat you like that. I doubt he would've done any better under such pressure.

"No, Remus." Severus pulled his face away from Remus' touch. "Alastor was right. Yes, my plan worked, but at what cost? We were all very lucky Harry didn't die tonight or was captured…the Weasley girl too… I put our kid in danger, and when I came home, I found you passed out with a fucking wine bottle!" he snapped, gesturing a hand to the less than half-empty bottle besides the bell jar with the blue flames flickering inside. Severus looked back at Remus, then said in a softer voice, "It isn't okay. I fucking drove you to that."

Remus frowned, shaking his head in disagreement. "That was my choice to drink, it wasn't all your fault, believe me… And I don't blame you for anything that happened tonight. I doubt anyone does. Did anyone agree with Alastor?"

"No, Molly and Arthur stood up for me," Severus said, turning his head away. Slightly bowed so his dark hair hid his face.

"See?" Remus said, leaning over to catch his eye, wanting Severus to understand that he wasn't in the wrong tonight. It was Alastor. He reached out and moved a lock of hair behind Severus' ear. Dark eyes gazed back at him once more.

Remus gave him a small reassuring smile.

"Everyone was able to get out of the Burrow safely with no injuries. No lives were lost. Harry is safe. You're safely back home with me. Nothing but that matters. This is the best outcome for tonight. And it all happened because of your brilliant mind."

"I did the best I could, Remus," Severus whispered.

"You did everything you could," Remus answered back, kissing Severus' temple. His lips lingering on his soft hair for just a moment. Remus then shifted himself again, letting his sock-covered feet rest back on the wooden floor. Rubbing his cold hands together to create some warmth. The flames in the jar were starting to die out.

Severus moved his gaze back to the view of the frozen lake in front of them. His eyes were still haunted with guilt, despite Remus' words of comfort, and Remus didn't say anything more to convince Severus that what he had done tonight was indeed the only way… Severus would just have to come to terms with it on his own and forgive himself.

And only to break the silence that was edging its way back to them, Remus asked, "How is Molly doing?"

"She's going to be okay," Severus answered back. "The Weasleys are planning on rebuilding their home first thing tomorrow morning. Arthur wants it done as soon as possible, I think to assure Molly and his youngest kids that everything is going to be okay… Right now, he and his older sons, along with Albus and some of the Order are putting up new wards."

"It's so late… They should all get some rest."

"I know, but the last thing they need is Death Eaters swarming their property again."

Then Severus looked at Remus with an eyebrow raised. "Tonks told me you invited her over tomorrow to help you put up stronger wards on the cabin and for it to recognize her magical signature?" Severus' lip curled with distaste.

"I want this to be a safe place for her too. She's my best friend, Severus," Remus could only say with exasperation.

Severus only huffed with annoyance, but he didn't say anything more about it. However the mention of Tonks left the air between them tense. Remus pulled Severus into his arms, hoping to diffuse the tension. There was nothing to be jealous about, but he didn't say anything more. It would just start another conversation that could easily turn into an argument, and Remus didn't really have the energy for it and he was sure Severus didn't either. They were both exhausted.

He placed a gentle kiss on Severus' lips then said, "I'm still so relieved that you're back, that you're safe. For a moment there I really was afraid you wouldn't return."

"I'll always come back to you," Severus said softly in return. The dying blue flames in the bell jar were still reflecting in his eyes. Severus' lips had felt cold, so Remus decided to warm them up with another kiss…and another…and another, until the annoyance and tension on Severus' face faded away, and he wrapped his arms around Remus' waist. His tongue seeking entrance into Remus' mouth….

And Remus wanted to let him in… He wanted to… He needed to taste Severus. To get lost in him, in the feel of him, the taste of him, the smell of him… To melt into his kiss that would make Remus forget everything… That would make him feel breathless and dizzy as if he were spinning in circles….

But Severus had placed a gentle hand on the side of Remus' face, holding him steady as they kissed. Severus' fingers caressing his cheek and chin, and it instantly brought Rowan back to the forefront of Remus' mind. Severus' soft touch turned into tight fingers with sharp nails that scraped and made his skin sting. Gripping him so hard, he couldn't move his head. The way those red-tinted eyes looked him up and down, a predatory dominating gleam that made Remus shudder with horror and disgust, made him want to suddenly be sick. The wolf inside of him growled from the emotions, becoming agitated. And the stink of blood and a body order that one could only get from roughing it out in the wilderness, hit Remus' nostrils. And Remus could suddenly feel those sharp fangs piercing into his neck… The rotted, warm breath… The power Remus felt in that bite… And Greyback watching with a smile and his eyes glittering with an evil satisfaction… So close to getting what he wants… A leader of monsters… Remus felt his bandaged wound begin to throb from the tension of his muscles.

He shuddered again with disgust, horror and fear, pulling away from Severus in a blind panic and suddenly he was sick all over the floor.

"Remus!" Severus gasped. "Fuck! Shit… Just let it all out, darling…" And he didn't ask any questions or say anything more, except for a few sweet murmurs of encouragement while rubbing slow and comforting circles on Remus' back.

And when Remus had finally emptied his stomach, and all he could do was dry-heave, Severus summoned a cup of water and a handkerchief. "Just drink this slowly," he said.

Remus took the offerings, silently doing as told. The water rinsed out his mouth, and it brought him back a bit, steadying his head and his stomach.

Meanwhile, Severus banished his vomit from the floor and stood up, grabbing the wine bottle and dumping the rest of its contents out into the snow. Maroon against the sparkling white.

"I should've gotten rid of this right away this morning." Severus' voice was laced with guilt.

Remus wiped his face with the handkerchief and cleared his throat, his voice coming out raspy, "No, I should've been stronger."

"Remus, you can't just quit drinking overnight. It's going to take time… And besides, we both know it wasn't the wine that made you sick…"

And Remus didn't have anything to say to that.

"Come on, let's get you inside," Severus said, helping him up.

.

.

The warmth of the cabin washed over Remus as he and Severus entered the cabin. He hadn't realized how cold he was from sitting outside for so long until that moment. Severus closed the door behind him, Remus turned to see his nose and cheeks were flushed from the sudden warmth, and Remus was sure his own face looked flushed as well. He eyed the coat rack, nervously pulling the scarf closer to his neck.

Severus saw that, and he stood before him, tilting Remus' head up with a finger under his chin and an arm around his waist, pulling him forward. Remus found himself gazing into those dark eyes that he had fallen in love with. They searched for him with an intensity of concern and love in their depths. And Remus felt terrible for not being able to fully confide in Severus tonight, in not being able to tell him what made him sick. Remus was the one who said no walls tonight. And Severus agreed, opening up and talking to Remus about his terrible day, yet Remus couldn't do the same. He couldn't tear down his wall and talk to Severus about what happened between him and Rowan, and what it meant….

"You really didn't go into detail about what happened between you, Greyback and the other werewolf…" Severus said softly. "Is that what's going on in your head, what made you so sick? Did our kissing trigger you somehow?"

Remus could only shake his head. "Severus…" but his voice died in his throat. A lump began to form. I'm meant to be one of them now, Remus so much wanted to say but couldn't. Wild and bloodthirsty werewolves… Hunting humans like prey… A leader to such monsters… How do I even begin to explain this all to you? To tell you what I really am now? A wolf among humans… An Alpha… A leader of such blood driven monsters… And the wretchedness and disgust that Remus felt for himself was suddenly overwhelming, he began to feel nauseous again, his stomach churning as if he were to be sick again.

And the only thing that kept him grounded was Severus. He let go of Remus' chin and wrapped both arms around him, holding him, leaning his forehead against Remus' own. "Hey, no walls, remember?" Severus whispered. The soft strands of his dark hair tickled Remus' cheeks. Remus wrapped his own arms around Severus' waist and back, hugging him back just as tightly as Severus was holding onto Remus.

"Remus, darling… I can see how much you're shaken by those werewolves. I can see the shock of it in your eyes, the fear… Just know that you're safe here in my arms." Severus pulled Remus even closer, as if to emphasize his words. Remus felt his heart suddenly pounding against his chest that was pressed up against Severus. The warmth of him, and his scent. Severus smelled like the frosty air outside. It was refreshing. "You don't have to talk about what happened just yet. It's late and we're both tired. I'll give you time, darling, I'll give you space…until you're ready… But please, just let me check your wound. Don't hide it from me. I won't see you any differently if that's what you're worried about. I'll never see you as theirs… You are mine, you belong with me. And you're human. Let me love you, Remus, let me take care of you."

Remus lifted up an arm and threaded his fingers into Severus' hair, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear, gazing into Severus' solemn face before pulling him into a deep kiss. He wanted to show Severus that he was going to be okay…even if he didn't feel okay tonight, in the moment… Remus just didn't want Severus to worry about him. And Severus was right, what he said made Remus feel a bit better, like maybe, not all was lost… He had Severus to help him through this… Severus who said he would never see Remus as a dark creature, but just human… Remus had to hold on to that, trust him on that, believe in that… And perhaps tomorrow or even in the next few days, when time has passed for the shock and fear of the night to fade away enough for Remus to find the strength to read the old books and wrap his head around being true leader of Greyback's pack, the forced mating bond between himself and Rowan, then maybe Remus would be able to tell Severus everything, and they could figure out what do about it together.

And once the kiss between them ended, Remus took a deep breath and stepped away, sitting on one of the sofas.

Severus followed, sitting beside him.

"I think it may be infected…" Remus admitted as he took off the scarf, noticing the red stain on the green and silver fabric. Remus frowned at it.

"Merlin, it's bleeding through the bandage!" Severus exclaimed, his voice high with concern. "May I take a look?" he then asked.

Remus nodded, the movement caused the bite to burn again. He kept his gaze on the blood-stained scarf, and he didn't know why but he felt his body shaking.

"You're okay, darling," Severus said softly, brushing the hair out of Remus' eyes. "Remember, you're human, okay? This bite won't change who you are or how I perceive you."

Remus could only look at him, his body still trembling as he watched Severus summon the first-aid kit from their bathroom, then sanitize his hands.

"I'm going to take the bandage off, are you ready?" Severus asked with a calm voice.

Remus took another deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "Ready as I'll ever be," he managed to say.

Severus peeled the bandage off slowly, the cold air stinging the torn up flesh, causing Remus to flinch. "I'm sorry, wolf," Severus muttered as he assessed the wound. "Merlin, it does look infected…nasty bruises too… What's your pain level?"

"About a six or seven," Remus grimaced.

"Okay, if the inflammation doesn't go down by tomorrow or the next day, do you mind if we can get Poppy to take a look at it?" Severus' voice was calm, yet Remus could hear the worry in his voice, the distraught of Remus being hurt by another werewolf this way… And his eyes were burning with those icy-cold flames once again.

"You're angry?" Remus asked as he lifted his head up as Severus gently dabbed at the wound.

"Yes, but not at you. I'm angry at that fucking werewolf."

"His name was Rowan. I've never seen him before until tonight."

"I don't care who the fuck he is, but I'll make sure he bloody pays for this," Severus growled.

Remus didn't say anything more as Severus continued to clean up the wound and rebandage it after a few failed attempts with some healing charms. He then gave Remus a potion to drink.

"To fight off any infection in your bloodstream," Severus said as he began to clean everything up.

Remus thanked him and took the potion and handed Severus the empty phial. Severus took it and handed him another potion. "It's a Calming Draught." Remus took that as well, right away feeling the effects of it, ceasing the shaking of his body.

With his wound feeling loads better, Remus' eyes then drifted to the hallway, to Harry's closed door.

"Severus?" Remus said. "Try opening Harry's door. Remember how it opened just for you the last time he locked me out of his room? Do you think that'll happen again?"

"I hope so…" Severus only said with a frown. He placed a kiss on Remus' temple before getting up and walking swiftly towards the door.

Remus followed after him, hesitant on the slight chance of Harry being awake and Remus not being welcomed in his room so soon after their argument. Severus turned the doorknob, pushing it open then glanced back at Remus. They exchanged a look of surprise. Severus then opened the door all the way, and they found Harry curled up under his blankets in bed, fast asleep. Remus then spotted Harry's dirty clothes from running in the field and marshes in a stinky pile on the floor.

At the sight of his sleeping cub safe in bed, Remus let out a sigh of relief. The argument between him and Harry echoed in his head, the words they threw at each other cut through Remus like a sharp blade.

Remus really hoped that Harry didn't truly believe what he said… That he didn't have a soul… That Remus was forgetting Sirius because of Severus… Remus knew Harry couldn't believe any of that nonsense, and if he did, then Remus was going to change that… Hopefully in the morning he would be willing to talk again after hours of rest and seeing that Severus was back home, safe and unharmed.

Severus crept quietly towards Harry, careful not to wake him. He sat on the edge of the bed, causing it to dip down a bit from his weight. Remus stayed by the door frame, only watching.

Severus gestured for Remus to join him, but he only shook his head, just in case the door would magically shut him out. He didn't think he could bear it if that happened.

Severus only shrugged and turned towards Harry, gently pushing back the messy black hair from his eyes. Harry didn't stir at all from Severus' touch, just continued to snore heavily.

"He's knocked out," Severus whispered, a small smile ghosting his lips.

"The adrenaline must've caught up to him," Remus whispered back as he pulled out his wand and banished Harry's dirty clothes to the laundry room. Then casted another spell to freshen up the air inside the room. He reminded himself to take care of them along with his own muddy clothes and their shoes tomorrow morning.

Remus then turned his attention back to Severus who was gently checking Harry's forearms for any signs of self-harm. "No cuts. That spell of yours really is useful."

Remus nodded at the compliment.

Severus bent down, leaving a kiss on Harry's head, then pulled the covers up closer to him.

Remus shot his wand at the top of the wardrobe.

"Accio old werewolf books," he whispered. In a cloud of dust, the books zoomed towards him. Remus was ready to catch them, suppressing a sneeze.

Severus joined him again at the door, giving him a quizzical look, his eyes traveling down to the books in Remus' arms.

"I'll explain later," was all Remus said.

.

.

"You and Harry are going to be okay," Severus whispered to Remus in the darkness of their room.

They were laying in bed. Severus was spooning Remus from behind, holding him close to his chest with an arm loosely wrapped around Remus' torso. His fingers rubbing slow lazy circles on the curve of Remus' waist and stomach, causing his sweater to ride up a bit. Remus could feel Severus' warm breath on the back of his neck as he spoke, causing him to shiver. He knew Severus was referring to his hesitation on entering Harry's room.

"I've had plenty of fights with him…bad ones… We've both said so many hurtful things to each other, yet, look at us now, Remus, Harry and I are still very close… We still love each other. You and Harry will get through this… Things will be better between you two in the morning, darling, I promise you that…"

"I know you're right, love…" Remus muttered, placing a few soft kisses on Severus' arm, the one that was tucked under his head like a pillow.

In return, Severus began to plant a few kisses on the back of Remus' shoulder, then trailed kisses to the back of his neck, carefully avoiding the bandaged bite-wound, then to the soft skin behind Remus' ear.

Bloody hell, Remus hoped Severus was right on that…

Tears burned the back of his eyes and he closed them tight, willing for them to go away, focusing on the soft warm kisses against his skin, Severus' sweet breath in his ear.

"Are you okay, wolf?" Severus muttered between kisses.

"I can't hide anything from you can I?" Remus asked as he turned on his back to look at him.

Severus stared down at him in the dark. With Remus' enhanced vision in the dark, he could see the worry that was clouding Severus' eyes, the crease between his eyebrows.

"Stop worrying about me, I'll be okay. You're right… Everything will look better in the morning."

Severus only sighed and settled beside him, tucking Remus into him. "I will," Severus muttered into Remus. "But only if you get some sleep."

"Deal…" Remus whispered. "I love you, Severus…"

"I love you too, my darling…" Severus' deep voice rumbled in his chest.

Remus sighed, making himself comfy, enjoying the warmth and the comfort of Severus wrapped around him as he fell into the heavy darkness of sleep, where Severus' sweet and loving caresses unfortunately couldn't follow him…and Remus fell into nightmares….

I hope you enjoyed my very long chapter!

Special thanks and appreciation to my reviewers!:

CityGirl7768

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LunePrimus

Thank you to all the reviewers under Guest!