Chapter Twenty-Two - We Were Written In The Stars
Severus held Remus close to him long after he'd felt Remus' body grow heavy and limp from sleep. He buried his face into him, placing gentle kisses on the crook of his neck, his cheeks, tasting the saltiness of drying tears on his skin.
Stop worrying about me… That's what Remus had insisted to Severus just before falling asleep in his arms, but Severus could never stop worrying for him, especially after what had happened tonight.
His mind was still reeling over it all, and Severus tried to shake it all away, every thought and memory of the night, but they still skirted the edges of his subconsciousness. He really needed to get some sleep, dawn wasn't far off.
And with a bit of regret, Severus gently let go of Remus, that way he could make himself comfortable enough to fall asleep as well. And he tried… Severus tried really hard to fall asleep, but it just wouldn't come to him.
His body felt battered and sore from the healed wounds on his back, from sitting so long beside the Dark Lord, not daring to move a muscle. Severus turned around with an inward groan, a massage or a good stretch might just do the trick, or maybe even a muscle relaxant potion. But Severus was too tired to get up and do any of those things. He turned himself over again, trying to find a more comfortable position and when he finally found one, he closed his eyes, and instantly, the memories broke through the edges of his subconscious, flashing behind his eyes, turning into dreams as Severus began to finally feel himself drift off into a light and uneasy sleep.
Nagini slithering by Severus' feet as he sat by the Dark Lord, still as a statue, his facial expression as cold and hard as stone. Red eyes watching him, waiting… Severus playing the role of the Dark Lord's perfect little spy… Nagini's scales reflecting off the gleaming marble floor… Another test of loyalty that Severus must pass if he wanted to leave that place alive… The Death Eaters finally returning, ending the test… Greyback and another werewolf beside him, his fangs dripping with blood… Someone's been bitten! Stay still… Don't break your mask… Remain indifferent, he's still watching… Cold as stone, unbreakable and strong and very, very cold… He's watching… He's watching….
Severus forced himself awake with fear and anger and disgust rushing through him, making him almost want to be just as sick as Remus was hours earlier, spewing everything out from his stomach onto the porch. The nausea overtook Severus for a few moments, and when it finally passed, the first coherent thoughts in his mind were of him realizing that the unfamiliar werewolf he saw before he'd left the meeting was Rowan, and the blood dripping from his fangs had been Remus'...
Severus' nausea returned.
He hadn't known that at the time, and the realization of it sent an icy-cold chill down Severus' spine. It was fear…stomach-churning fear and disgust.
He quickly and gently turned on his side, so that he was facing Remus again. Severus watched him sleep, counting his boyfriend's gentle breaths until his fear and disgust began to fade a bit, becoming more manageable to deal with. Watching Remus, knowing he was safe in bed, it helped.
The light of the moon washed over Remus, allowing Severus to just make out the finger-shaped bruising along his chin and jawline. They had already begun to fade a bit from the bruising balm Severus had rubbed into them.
And Severus remembered with an ache in his heart how he'd found Remus asleep on the porch swing with a less than half empty wine bottle in his hands.
Severus let out a deep sigh. Really, how could he not worry for Remus? It was clear that he was in shock from Rowan's attack, drinking, being sick, unable to talk about it with Severus.
How would Rowan's assault affect Remus now? What did the mating bite even mean, what did it imply for him and Rowan? Remus hadn't really gone into much detail about it, and Severus hadn't heard of it before. Why was Greyback so obsessed with Remus? Would he ever be free of Greyback, how could he be after all this? This seemed to tie Remus closer to Greyback than ever before, and this time, Rowan, this stranger, was a part of it now. Who the fuck was this werewolf? And what was the fucking purpose to all of this? Severus had so many questions, so many that only Remus could answer for him, and yet, Severus knew he couldn't push him, recalling again how reluctant Remus was to talk about it with him. Why can't he just talk to me? The rejection had stung Severus, but he also understood and he knew he just had to be patient.
But patience was never one of Severus' strongest qualities. He turned on his back, his anxieties and worries and never-ending questions filling his brain to the brim, leaving him so wide awake and restless, that he didn't even feel tired anymore. He had to get out of bed.
Severus turned back to face Remus again, making sure he was still soundly asleep and had not been woken by all of Severus' tossing and turning. His eyes traveled from the steady rise and fall of Remus' chest to the books sitting on the nightstand behind him. Remus had taken those books from his old bedroom and didn't say a word about them to Severus. Full of curiosity, Severus carefully reached over Remus and took the books, tucking them under his arm as he quietly climbed out of bed.
Severus made himself comfortable on the carpeted wooden floor in front of the fireplace, that way he could see the ancient yellowing pages with help from the dim glow of the flames.
These books were very old, more than old, more than ancient. Severus hated to think that the leathery covers could be some type of skin of either animal or human. He cringed at the thought. And they smelled strongly of moldy pages and were caked in a layer of dust.
Severus dusted them off, causing himself to violently sneeze… Bloody hell… He looked back to see if Remus was still sound asleep. And when a moment passed of no movement from him, Severus recomposed himself and read the titles that were carved into the thick leather.
The Beast Within: Revelations from the Dark Ages
The Forbidden Rites of the Wolf: A Terrifying Insight into the World of the Ancient Lycans
There were no authors, no dates to when these books were published.
The shadows from the flames in the grate danced across the covers, giving the books a more sinister and eerie look to them. Severus suddenly didn't want to open them, but he knew he had to. They might hold some of the answers to his questions, and so he flipped through the pages, ignoring his second thoughts on looking through these books without Remus, the feeling in his gut that these books shouldn't ever be opened.
These books went into great detail on the history of the first werewolves and the packs they'd formed. The history of their curse and of their oldest traditions, the way they'd hunted, the way they'd lived amongst each other, separate from normal civilization and how it all came to be. These ancient werewolves were not at all like the ones today living in small colonies in rural areas. These ancient werewolves hunted humans for not only food, but for sport, for recruitment where children were preferred; the younger the better.
Severus found himself reading a passage that explained the side effects to the werewolves that consumed human flesh… It caused them to lose themselves to the wolf spirits that were attached to their souls. Dark spirits that craved human blood and when they consumed it, it allowed the wolf to take over their soul so that the werewolf would be almost one with them. These wolf spirits were nothing more than dark entities, a far cry from the normal animal. And when a werewolf was attuned to their wolf spirit, they've lost themselves, and it made their eyes glow red, red as the blood they spilled from their human prey, made them crave human flesh when it wasn't even a full-moon, making them the darkest of creatures…cannibals….
Most packs that only hunted animals were even known to have a reddish tint to their golden irises, simply for allowing their wolf spirits to hunt, for craving raw animal flesh, allowing their wolf spirits to have a bit of control when it wasn't a full-moon.
And reading that, Severus realized just how pure and golden Remus' eyes always were when his wolf spirit was at his surface, never a trace of red, always keeping the wolf controlled…except… Except for the night Remus held Greyback in his jaws, all he had to do was bite down hard to deal the death blow. His eyes were tinted red that night for the first time, and why was that? What was it that caused it? Was it because Remus was losing control? Or something more sinister?
Severus suddenly had a terrible feeling in his gut, as he stared at the pages, deep in thought...
Greyback was the leader to his pack, an alpha, according to the books. What would it mean if he were almost killed by another werewolf of lesser rank than him? Would that cause anything to happen? Like…like… Severus thought about normal wolf packs in the wild and how alphas would get challenged by younger males for leadership. The ancient werewolf packs lived mostly like wolf packs, could that form of appointed leadership be applied to them as well? Severus wondered if magic would have anything to do with it. The texts seemed to talk about it a lot. An ancient power from the moon that controlled them. Greyback's pack was known to be the most dangerous pack in all of Britain, why was that? Severus realized it was because they must follow these traditions, live like the ancient werewolves, making them powerful and dangerous. The reason why Greyback's eyes glowed red while Remus' own were pure and golden. Would that ancient magic have anything to do with Remus' suddenly red-tinted eyes that night? A leadership changing… Severus never did see Remus' eyes glow red like that again, did that mean anything?
Severus flipped back to the chapter on pack hierarchy, specifically on alphas. He read the text… A wolf becomes the new alpha of the pack after defeating the current alpha. It has to be to the death or be almost brought down by the killing blow… The leadership will switch over, and no matter what, the pack must be ruled by the new alpha…even if they'd despised or shown previous disapproval towards the new alpha… This can't be reversed in any way… An old type of magic that runs deep in the pack, binding them together…until the next fight for power….
Severus kept rereading that passage over and over until his eyes blurred. He kept seeing the images of Remus holding Greyback between his jaws, so close to death. Just one more bite. The killing blow. Red-tinted eyes… Greyback would've died if it wasn't for Severus. He was supposed to die…but it was still enough for his leadership to transfer over to Remus….
Holy fuck! Severus almost said it out loud. Did Greyback's bloodthirsty leadership really transfer over to Remus that night?!
Is this why he couldn't talk to me?
Remus must've been feeling so ashamed and inhuman. How long did he know about this? Did it just occur to him tonight? It would explain the shock he was in…the drinking…the vomiting….his moody behavior….
Severus remembered how it had taken a lot of convincing from himself to get Remus to let Greyback go that night. Remus wasn't just losing himself to darkness, Severus realized. Remus was losing himself to the ancient magic, binding him as alpha to Greyback's pack.
Severus flipped through the pages, wondering how accurate these books were. He wondered again if it was the ancient magic binding him as the new alpha to Greyback's pack that Remus had lost himself to that night or was it just the darkness of revenge, of wanting to kill Greyback for everything he had done to him, for taking Harry and hurting him. Remus had taken the Wolfsbane Potion before the full-moon rose that night, meaning he still had a good percentage of his human mind, he had a bit of sense of what he was doing that night. Had he felt it happening? The ancient magic coursing between himself and Greyback, did he know and had forgotten it due to being severely injured after the fight?
And the gut-clenching instinct that he shouldn't be reading these books without Remus' consent shot through Severus once more. His theories on Remus' red eyes could still be wrong. There was a high chance that these books were outdated. He didn't want to be forming his own conclusions until Remus had the chance to explain it all, but Severus couldn't stop going through the books, turning each page with shaking hands and it wasn't until Severus came across an illustration that was so heavily detailed and disturbing, it made him feel sick to the stomach and he instantly shut the book close with a loud snap. These books… Where did Remus get them?
Soft whimpering suddenly broke Severus' thoughts. He snapped his head back, his eyes landing on the sleeping form of Remus in the bed behind him. Severus stilled, waiting for another sign of Remus possibly waking. It was silent, and just when Severus was about to believe that Remus was still asleep, another soft cry rang throughout the quiet bedroom.
Severus stood up and placed the books back on the nightstand. He then lit a lantern into a dim setting so that Remus wouldn't wake up in the darkness of the bedroom. He gently climbed back into the bed as another soft whimper rang out from a suddenly tossing and turning Remus. Severus gathered him in his arms, softly shushing him. In the dim lighting, Severus could just make out Remus' twitching, closed eyelids. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and his mouth was set in a deep and trembling frown. Remus wasn't waking up, he was just crying in his sleep, trapped in nightmares.
"I've got you, baby, you're in my arms," Severus whispered, caressing the side of Remus' face, wiping away the tears that were falling, only for them to be replaced by new ones. Severus could feel his warm body trembling in his arms. Remus let out another soft cry. It pained Severus to see his boyfriend in such a state, and he cursed those fucking werewolves under his breath for causing this.
"Remus, darling, wake up," Severus muttered softly again in his ear, gently kissing his soft lobe. Tears continued to stream down, trailing into Remus' neck and around his ears. "Wake up, now, darling. You're only dreaming."
"No…no…nooo…" Remus gasped out, his voice slurring from sleep. "He's watching…he's watching…"
Severus wiped more tears away, then began to rub slow steady circles on Remus' back, muttering softly, "Come on now, baby…wake up…wake up…you're alright…"
"No…no…watching…watching…" Remus whimpered.
"No one is here but me and you. Wake up, darling. I'm here, I'm here…wake up…"
And it was like that for a few moments until Remus finally opened his eyes which were at first, blurry with confusion and sleep. And when he caught Severus' eyes peering worriedly down at him, the blurriness faded away and Remus covered his face with his hands and bursted into a heart-wrenching sob. And all Severus could do was just hold him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear followed with gentle kisses.
"I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry for worrying you…" Remus choked out once the sobs ceased and he was able to regain his breath.
"Don't be," Severus whispered. "Don't you ever be sorry for having a good cry. It was all just dreams you were having… You were always safe with me."
"Dream or not, he's always watching me… No matter where I run or hide… He'll always find me."
Severus didn't have to ask who Remus was referring to.
"You're stronger than Greyback. You're better than him and you always will be. Try not to let him get to you. It's what he wants, don't give him the satisfaction. Remember, you've beaten him once, you can always do it again."
And with Severus' own words, he couldn't help but think of his discovery of Remus possibly being the new alpha to Greyback's pack, a pack of cannibalistic werewolves. He stifled a shudder at the thought of his wolf being a leader to such monsters. He didn't want Remus to know that he knew, it would only make him angry and Severus didn't want to argue with Remus when he was feeling so vulnerable. How could this beautiful man in his arms ever be linked to something as terrible and dark as that pack? Severus held Remus tighter.
Remus huffed out a frustrated sigh, wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his sweater. His body was still trembling against Severus.
"I'm being silly…" Remus' voice was muffled as he spoke, burrowing his face into Severus. "Look at me, I'm a mess. I apologize, my love…"
"Don't apologize," Severus muttered against him, moving aside his golden hair and kissing his neck.
"I guess I'll feel much better once we've updated the wards on the cabin. Tonks and I…we were sitting on the back porch, talking about the cabin. I think Greyback might've overheard us."
That caused Severus to pull his lips away from Remus' warm skin and look down at him with furrowed eyebrows. "What happened?" he asked with concern, desperately hoping that this might be the moment when Remus was going to start telling him everything, no longer leaving Severus stuck pondering on theories he wasn't completely sure of yet.
Remus pulled away just a bit so Severus could see his face. "Just before the attack happened, I sensed someone watching us. I had just caught a gleam of his fangs, his red eyes, a faint trace of his scent all at once, just as Bellatrix appeared. I barely even had time to react. I don't know how long he was there, what he heard between us…"
"What did you and the witch talk about?"
"Nothing too important, just on…" Remus' face reddened, Severus could see the blush even in the dim lighting. "You were right, Severus. Tonks did have a crush on me and she was upset…" Severus snorted at that. Remus rolled his eyes and continued, "She was upset that the song we sang at Slughorn's Christmas party wasn't for her. We'd spent so much time together writing it… I don't blame her, really… Thankfully we spoke of nothing else, like you and Harry for example, the adoption is still a secret."
"Good… I never had a doubt that you would carelessly mention that to the witch."
"The witch's name is Tonks," Remus sighed with annoyance.
Severus ignored him. "First thing tomorrow, we'll work on the wards together. And those blasted werewolves would have to get through them and me if they should fancy themselves a visit."
"Well, I've sort of told Tonks to come over tomorrow so she can help out with that, remember?"
"Oh, bloody hell!" Severus scowled, his voice tinged with annoyance.
"Severus, my love… Your jealousy is showing."
Severus scoffed at that and pulled Remus closer to him again, enjoying the warmth and softness of his body so near his own. Remus wrapped his own arms around Severus, burying his face into the crook of Severus' neck. He could feel Remus' warm, sweet breath against him, causing Severus to shiver just a bit.
"As long as she doesn't steal you away from me," Severus muttered against Remus' temple, then leaving a lingering kiss. His hair smelled like shampoo and sweat, intoxicating and sweet.
Remus reached up and captured Severus in a tender and slow kiss that began to grow more and more intense. Remus' tongue dancing inside Severus' mouth, causing his stomach to flip. Severus gripped Remus by the hips.
Merlin's beard… This werewolf was driving Severus mad. He felt his pants growing a bit tighter among his nether regions.
Remus pulled away with a smirk, causing Severus to let out a small moan of protest. He wanted to keep kissing Remus until the end of time.
"Does that show you how much you mean to me? Can you feel how much I love you when I kiss you like that?" Remus crooned. Severus was unable to answer him back, he could feel Remus' warm breath on his face as he continued, "You should never have to worry about me being stolen away by young witches."
Still unable to find his voice, admiring Remus in the dim lighting of their room, those hazel eyes dilated with passion and heat and want… The same things that were probably in Severus' own eyes as well. And all Severus could do was kiss Remus as an answer, capturing those soft lips with his own, pushing against them with his tongue and tasting him. Remus let out a barely audible moan that vibrated against their mouths.
And during those precious moments, Severus finally stopped thinking about his troubles. He felt himself getting lost in the scents of chocolate and tea and well-loved books, of Remus' shampoo and sweat mixed together. Severus could never tire of the scent. It was like a drug, addicting and impossible to live without it once he had a taste of it. He found his body finally relaxing, melting into Remus, so very soft and warm and sweet. The feel of his wool sweater, the softness of his skin…the way it felt to hold him so very, very close…and the taste of him….
And not breaking their kiss, Severus managed to move himself flat on his back. He placed a hand under Remus' thigh, pulling him up on top of him. Remus felt so light, as if the stress and fear he'd endured caused him to lose a few pounds within hours. Their kissing grew deeper and deeper, full of desperate desire. Perhaps, they both needed to get lost in each other tonight.
Severus moved his hands underneath Remus' clothes, admiring the softness of his skin and the occasional bumps from all of his scars… Beautifully flawed… Beautifully scarred… Scars no one would ever see except for Severus who had the privilege to see them, touch them, kiss them… How did he get so lucky to be granted such a privilege?
Gliding his hands up and down Remus' torso, Severus trailed a finger down Remus' spine, all the way down to his lower back and to his butt, cupping the soft cheeks then squeezing it. It caused Remus to shudder with pleasure and he gave Severus one more hard kiss before pulling away, straightening himself up so he was straddling Severus. Remus' hazel eyes were dark and wide. They looked entirely brown. Severus couldn't help but admire them, like fallen leaves in autumn. Remus pulled off his sweater, snapping Severus out of his daze. Then his shirt, then he began to pull down Severus' pajama pants and his own as well.
"Remus," Severus whispered. "After everything… Are you sure?"
Remus nodded once, hazel eyes locking onto his own… And in those depths, Severus found his answer without Remus having to voice it. He wanted to forget everything for just a few moments. He wanted to get lost in Severus, to just feel nothing but their love for one another, just like how Severus wanted to get lost in Remus.
"Come here, wolf," Severus whispered.
Remus leant down and kissed him so softly, so different from the desperate and passionate kisses they'd shared. And Severus felt himself falling for Remus all over again, he let out a soft moan and Remus smiled against their kiss. Severus could taste his warm breath, toothpaste and tears and just the taste that could only be described as Remus…
"Am I driving you mad?" Remus whispered against Severus' lips.
"You're always driving me mad," Severus answered back with fervent kisses. Remus let out a breathy chuckle that only made Severus' kissing grow more intense.
They began to slowly grind against each other, languishing in their deep, passionate kissing that burned through them like the warmest flames cackling in a fireplace of the coziest home.
Severus felt Remus' gentle and hesitant fingers enclosing around his hard length. The sudden touch sent bolts of electricity through Severus, causing his heartbeat to increase, as if it were trying to match its rhythm to the desperate movements against each other.
Both of their breathing quickened, deepening, the only noise in the room. With a glance of those dilated hazel eyes, Severus broke out in a sweat and he grabbed Remus' hard penis, working him along with their beats of passion.
And just when he felt himself growing close to climaxing, Severus felt Remus adjusting his position, his grip loosening for just a moment. Severus closed his eyes, losing himself in his pleasure. He felt something hot and tight enveloping just the tip of his penis, and Severus gasped out when he'd realized what Remus was doing and before Severus could react to it, suddenly Remus' mouth was on his, his tongue shoving into him, desperately claiming him. All Severus could do was kiss him back, still working Remus as fast and gentle as he could under such circumstances.
Then the pressure grew to be too much. Remus was panting desperately, sounding undone against Severus' mouth, and the beautiful sound of it…and he was so warm and tight… Sweet release came to Severus and he gasped. And Remus knew, he knew and he regained his breath just in time to give Severus a bruising kiss that was sure to leave both of them with purple lips, but Severus didn't care… He was seeing the universe, the stars, the fucking planets aligning behind his closed eyes and he squeezed them tight, and it was all Severus could do to keep working Remus' own hard, dripping penis until warm liquid began to spill out, trailing over Severus' hand and Remus collapsed on top of him with a cry that almost made Severus cum again.
Severus held Remus, his muscles feeling as if they were all spelled into mush. He carded his fingers through Remus' sweaty hair. "I love you so fucking much, wolf, I never thought… I never thought I could ever feel this way for someone," he whispered, still out of breath.
Remus smiled. "I love you too, Severus, so very much. Did you like that? I know you haven't done anything like that before… Was that okay?"
"It was perfect," Severus sighed out with wonder and contentment.
"As if we were written in the stars, you and I," Remus whispered. "Just think how it would feel, my love, once we're ready…"
And Severus couldn't say anything in return. He was lost in those beautiful dark hazel eyes and he was falling and falling and falling. He didn't think he could ever stop falling for this werewolf in his arms. Severus couldn't even put into words what he was feeling at the moment… His soul was feeling complete and in perfect bliss, the happiest and most comfortable he'd ever felt with anyone.
His whole life, Severus always felt like there was a wall between him and everyone else. He couldn't connect with people, and so he hated being around others and they hated being around him. And when he was young, Severus struggled with that, but then began to accept it because for some strange reason, he'd always felt like someone was waiting for him before his life would end. That one person that would know him, complete him, and Severus found himself always searching, until he'd met Lily. And he had once thought it might've been her, but she chose another…and then she was gone…and it was never her.
It took a very long time for Severus to accept that he and Lily were never written in the stars, and Severus was too broken to search anymore for the missing piece of his soul. And now he was certain that tonight, it was Remus. It was Remus who carried the missing piece all along. It had been Remus this whole time, right under Severus' nose. The universe was a funny thing… And it was as Remus had said… He and Severus, they were the ones that were written in the stars….
"You are the happiness I've been searching for all along," Severus whispered, brushing golden hair away from hazel eyes.
"Severus…" Remus said, his voice cracking with emotion.
And suddenly shy at his declaration, Severus said quickly before Remus could say anything else, "Come on, let's get ourselves cleaned up."
Remus slid off of Severus.
Severus quickly cleaned the mess they'd left with a quick charm, then he peered down at Remus and smiled softly before covering his face with quick and affectionate kisses, causing Remus to laugh.
Remus' laughter, it's been hours and hours since the last time Severus had heard it. He was deprived of it, it sang in Severus' ears, ringing out across their dim bedroom. And it was contagious, Severus realized, because before he knew it, he started laughing as well.
And once their laughter resided, Remus leaned his forehead against Severus' own. His golden fringe tickled Severus' face. The laughter that was dancing in his eyes just moments ago was now fading away, and Severus hated to see it go. He could see the exhaustion, he could see the sadness Remus always carried around with him, hidden and protected.
"Do I make you happy?" Severus whispered.
"You do, love… You do… If I didn't have you or Harry… I would be lost."
"Then talk to me, wolf," Severus whispered. "What's eating away at you, I see it in you…your depression… I see it all the time when you think I'm not looking. I see it right after your smile, your laughter, for just a moment it's there… It's always there…"
"I… I don't know, Severus…" Remus' voice shook.
"And I know that something more than Rowan's attack is eating away at you. Just tell me what is going on. I could never see you as anything like Greyback and Rowan, you are not a monster. Nothing you do could ever make me see you as one. I see you, Remus. I see you and you are human."
"Severus…" And Remus' voice sounded so scared and broken.
"I'm here, Remus," Severus said, placing a small and gentle kiss on his lips, a kiss so achingly different from the desperate passionate ones they'd shared.
Remus melted into it, and Severus knew he had won him over. They pulled apart and Remus took a deep breath. He was going to finally start talking.
"What do you want me to say?" Remus asked with hesitation.
"Anything, anything that's bothering you."
And then it was quiet between them, their laughter that had rang out in their bedroom was now just an echo.
Severus watched his boyfriend who had placed his head on Severus' shoulder, trailing his fingers along the bare skin of Severus' hip. His eyes were far away, distant and lost. A place where Severus couldn't reach him. This depression that seemed to have its grip on Remus so tight, he couldn't escape it, no matter how much he wanted to, no matter how hard he'd tried to be free of it. Tonight had made matters worse, Severus was watching Remus succumb to it even deeper, despite Remus' past wishes of wanting to be happy, to be healthy… Why couldn't Greyback just leave Remus alone? And now this possible unwanted leadership, the mating bite and Rowan; another werewolf that's after Remus now.
Those blasted werewolves fucked up everything!
"Darling…" Severus called to him softly, coaxing Remus out of his thoughts.
Remus pulled away, positioning himself on his side so that he was facing Severus with a pained expression on his face and in those eyes. The way he was looking at Severus… It seemed as if he wanted to talk, to confide in him, but everything he wanted to say seemed trapped inside his head, just like earlier in the living room. Severus resisted the urge to use Legilimency. He just wanted to know what it was that was keeping Remus from speaking, wishing there was a way he could help pull Remus out of his own darkness.
"Remus… Please…talk to me…" Severus wasn't one for begging, except when he had to do it to fake his loyalty to the Dark Lord, but right now…Remus was more important than his pride.
"I froze…Severus…" Remus choked out. "When I spotted Greyback watching us, I froze and I'd let Harry slip past me. Then again in the marshes, when the firing ceased, I could feel him watching me and I froze again when his growl rang out across the clearing. I let him have the upper hand of the attack. I know I've beaten him once before… I know I'm stronger… I know… But he still holds power over me and I hate that… I hate it… You must think of me as weak and pathetic to let such a creature get to me like that."
Severus shook his head. "That's ridiculous, I would never think that of you, you have to know that."
"Greyback offered the chance for me to join his pack again, in front of everyone… He made me out like a prized bitch to be won…tried to humiliate me…belittled me in front of our kid and everyone else… He knew what he was doing. He wanted them to see that I wasn't a part of them…not human but a monster living among them… And he brought Rowan to remind me of that and to remind me and everyone of my place… I don't even know him…"
Remus' voice was shaking with shame and fear and anger, speaking so fast he could barely take a breath.
"It's possible he might be from his pack and an important member too for Greyback to have chosen him to give me the…"
And suddenly Remus was gasping for air, he stopped his fast explanation and covered his face with his hands, trying to recollect himself. Severus sat up and placed a gentle hand on his arm and Remus flinched from the touch. Severus pulled his hand away with alarm, giving Remus his much needed space.
"Harry was behind me, Severus, he was behind me, just an arm's length away from that werewolf, anything could've happened! Anything! And so I let Rowan hold me like that, touch me like that, speak to me like that! I let him! And before I knew it, before I could stop him, his fangs were sinking into my neck," Remus said from behind his hands. "And I knew what it was, and it was happening in front of everyone! I could feel Tonks watching everything in horror. I could feel Harry moving behind me and hear Arthur scolding him to be still."
Remus stopped speaking, regaining his breath, finally moving his hands away from his face, and then said in a slightly calmer tone that still sounded so broken and shamed and angry. His eyes were glistening with unfallen tears. "It was humiliating to be claimed like that…like his bitch. All I could do was just bloody stand there and let it happen. I could've stopped him. I could've tried to fight back. I could have, Severus, I had my wand in my hand the entire time…and Tonks tried to point her wand at Rowan, but I didn't let her… I didn't want him to hurt her. I didn't want him to notice Harry. I wanted him distracted and the best way to do it was to let him do what he wanted with me and it was so fucking humiliating… Those short few seconds with his fangs in my neck…the silence…their horrified stares…me holding onto Harry's hand, willing him to stay still and silent…the way Rowan touched me in front of everyone…in front of Harry, oh Merlin, in front of Harry! I let it all happen. I didn't fight back. I froze, Severus, I froze and I've failed you. I was supposed to keep Harry safe, and he saw that! He was so close to danger…all because I couldn't stand up to my own blasted kind!"
And Remus stopped, covering his face with his hands again, trying to regain his breath, sounding as if he were trying to prevent himself from breaking down and sobbing.
"Remus, can I touch you?"
Remus nodded.
Severus gently pulled Remus into his arms, pulling his hands away from his face so he could see him. Hazel-green eyes flecked with gold stared back at him, filled with all of that awful shame and hurt that was spilling out in Remus' voice as he finally, finally talked to Severus.
"You did not fail me. You could never fail me, Remus. You did the best you could, just like what you've told me earlier about my plan that ended up just putting Harry into danger… You said, I did the best I could under such stressful circumstances… That goes for you as well. You did the best you could. No one was hurt, Remus, and no one could fault you for what that werewolf did to you. Because of you, no one was hurt tonight."
Remus sighed with frustration, yet there was resignation as well. He touched the bandaged wound and said, "Do you really believe that? Would you look at me the same way, would you still love me, if you knew what I truly am now?"
Severus didn't hesitate to answer that. He knew what Remus was hinting at, he knew… "Of course I would, darling, of course." And his answer was very, very true. No matter what being an alpha to Greyback's pack led Remus to, Severus would still love him just as deeply. He held Remus tighter, burying his face into him, savoring his scent. He felt Remus hug him back just as tight.
And would you still love me? Would you still want me? Would you still trust me if you knew of the task that's wrapped around my neck like a hangman's noose? After everything is said and done, would you still want me to hold you like this in the early hours of the dawn?
Remus then pulled away just a bit so he could look at Severus again, the fear and readiness to talk again was shining in his eyes. Finally… Severus thought with relief. He was finally going to get some answers.
"That fight I had with Greyback in the cellar… I'd defeated him, and now I'm afraid that has made me the new leader of his pack… I didn't really think of it until the attack last night," Remus said, searching Severus' face for any sign of disgust or fear, but Severus wasn't feeling any of that.
It just made his gut clench with dread and worry for Remus, hearing the confirmation of his theories.
"Greyback confirmed it by having Rowan give me this bite…this mating bite. I'm positive this was Greyback's way of assuring that I don't change the pack's way of hunting. And by doing this, it shows that he desperately still wants me to join his pack, not as beta this time but as an alpha, even if that means he has to give up his own position. He has no choice but to stand down or to challenge me again for the possibility of me losing and he becomes leader again, but instead of doing that… He had Rowan give me a mating bite. It just shows how badly Greyback wants me, and I don't understand why I'm so special to him, special enough to let me have his leadership."
Severus thought about that. Remus was powerful for a wizard. He'd seen him do small acts of non-verbal and wandless magic quite a few times without any difficulty or strain. If Remus could do that, if he was that powerful as a wizard, then just how powerful could Remus be as an alpha, with the ancient magic of the moon running alongside the talented magic in his veins.
"I can see why…" Severus said and he repeated his thoughts to Remus who blushed at the idea of himself being that powerful.
"The mating bite, how does it affect you as a leader?" Severus asked, encouraging Remus to keep going. He wanted to know more, so he could figure out a way to help Remus out of this situation.
"It means that some of my power as an alpha transfers over to Rowan, but that power won't be complete until I give him my mating bite in return. And if that happens, it would bond us together to rule the pack. I don't have any intention of doing that, but I've felt his brutal strength, Severus. I could tell by not just his rugged appearance and stench, but by the strength of his grip on me. He's been roughing it out in the wild for a long time, he was probably born in that pack. If he ever forces me to bite him in return, I cannot beat him with just magic alone. Rowan is just as strong, just as brutal and powerful in strength as I am with magic."
"I won't let that happen, Remus." Severus promised. "We'll find a way out of this. I won't let him come near you, Greyback too."
Remus sadly shook his head, averting his eyes away. "How do you not see me as monstrous? How are you not seeing me the way you used to see me when we were kids? I just told you that I'm an alpha to a bloodthirsty werewolf pack."
"I could never think of you that way, ever again!" Severus snapped, hating the way that sounded. Remembering what he read, what the ancient werewolves hunted… Glowing red eyes… Remembering the blood dripping from Rowan's fangs, Remus' blood…and how bad the bite wound looked when Remus finally allowed Severus to tend to it.
"Severus, there's a reason why Greyback's eyes glow so red, why Rowan's does as well and so does the rest of his pack. It is why they are the largest and most feared werewolf pack in all of Britain. They are cannibalistic. They are known to follow the most sickening and most ancient traditions. They are not just werewolves, they are true monsters. And… Severus, I'm a leader to them now."
Remus indicated the books on the nightstand with a nod towards them.
"Dumbledore gave me those long ago. There was a time when I didn't know who'd bitten me. I didn't know who Greyback was until my father whispered the name to me on his deathbed. And I wanted to find out everything about the werewolf that changed my life. Dumbledore gave me those books to help me understand the kind of pack Greyback leads, to understand what kind of monster he is and the kind of werewolves that still exist.
And reading those books, I could never live like that…be like that, hunt like them… The books were so disgusting, so horrifying, that they made me sick just reading them and I've hidden them away for so long, until now… I want to be wrong about everything. I want to be wrong. I don't want this burden. I remember reading some of what I'm telling you, but I'm still hoping I'm wrong. I have to read them again…to be sure… That's why it was so hard to tell you all of this. I was afraid you might see me differently as I see myself…a part of that pack…a leader of monsters… And I'd let it all happen… I just stood there…frozen…like a fucking coward…like a submissive bitch letting myself get marked for mating! How disgusting!"
"Remus, enough! Stop talking about yourself like that," Severus said with a stern voice.
Remus just kept going, sounding out of breath."I just wanted to read the books first, to understand more… I apologize for shutting you out. I don't mean to keep hurting you by being distant!"
"No, darling, stop… Stop apologizing, stop speaking so lowly of yourself like that. I could never see you as what you're saying about yourself. Can't you see that no matter what has happened, it was all out of your control and you could never be like those werewolves. You could never be as dark and monstrous as them. You have too much goodness in you, Remus, too much to ever be lost in that sort of way." Severus placed his hand gently onto Remus' chest, just over his beating heart. "This is what makes you different from them…this…right here. I still see you as you, I still see you as human, and I will keep reminding you of that over and over until you start to see yourself that way again."
Remus bowed his head down, looking at Severus' hand pressed against his chest. Severus could feel his heart beating.
"But how could you still want me?" Remus' voice shook at those words. "I'll never escape them now…"
"I'll always want you…" Severus said, laying back down, pulling Remus to him. "Always, my darling. No matter what. Remember what you've said, we were written in the stars, you and I."
Severus was granted a sweet kiss.
"Besides, you didn't ask for any of this, it was all forced upon you. And you said so yourself that none of it is finalized yet until you return the mating bite to Rowan. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You can just leave them leaderless, leave Rowan mateless, and perhaps that would make the pack fall apart. Greyback fucking deserves that," Severus growled the last part.
Remus snuggled close to Severus. He yawned, "You're right, Severus."
"We'll look through those books together. We'll redo the wards on the cabin, and once we return to Hogwarts, you'll be safe from Greyback and Rowan. They can't watch you there."
They didn't speak much more after that, except a few sweet exchanges of affection and stolen kisses. Severus watched Remus fall back to sleep, his mind reeling with everything Remus had finally revealed to him.
Greyback and Rowan, those blasted werewolves better be praying this very second that they would never cross paths with Severus, because Severus wasn't sure if he would be able to restrain himself from using the unforgivables on them for hurting Remus.
And sleep eventually came for Severus in the last few hours when the birds began to chirp, just before the sun started to rise.
Every so often, more soft cries and whimpers would come from Remus, tossing and turning from endless nightmares. And in his own light sleep, Severus would reach out, searching for Remus' hand and squeezing it until he calmed down, letting him know that Severus was there beside him, that Remus was safe and not alone and Greyback and Rowan weren't watching him.