Chapter Twenty-Three - Starting Over
Harry awoke earlier than usual. The sun was barely starting to rise, alighting his bedroom in a soft golden glow. He kept having dreams last night. Dreams of running through the field, chasing after Bellatrix, of Remus calling after him, of Severus standing besides Voldemort that had woken him with raw fear coursing through him.
Harry had laid in bed, trying to calm down, fidgeting with the marker in his hands, but he must've been so exhausted. He fell back to sleep before he could even think about cutting. And the dreams were different that time. He had dreams of him and Ginny, and how awkward it was to be around her now,knowing she was dating Dean Thomas. And dreams of Draco being so far out of his reach and of the kisses they'd shared. And Harry didn't know what to make of it, why it happened, what it meant, and what they should do about it, if they should be doing anything about it… Those thoughts ran through Harry just as he forced himself awake, laying in bed with them until his room began to shine brighter from the sun. The sounds of someone moving around in the kitchen finally pulled Harry out of his thoughts.
Pots and pans clanged on the stove and Harry caught the enticing scents of oatmeal, sausage and coffee wafting into his bedroom. They made his stomach growl. He was reminded of how little he ate yesterday evening. The last big meal he had was breakfast yesterday morning. Another loud growl from his stomach made Harry get up. He crept quietly to the restroom, his thoughts now going a mile a minute on the events of last night. Severus leaving, the Burrow and waiting and waiting and waiting. The attack and that strange werewolf who'd bit Remus' neck. The Burrow being set on fire, and the ugly argument between him and Remus. Shame coursed through Harry when he remembered that, making his face feel uncomfortably warm.
When Harry was done with the restroom, he quietly opened the door, wondering if that was Remus who was cooking. If he went into the kitchen, Harry was sure Remus would want to talk about last night, and Harry didn't want to face that just yet. He was ashamed and embarrassed, and he knew he should apologize. He knew what he'd done was wrong. He shouldn't have said those awful things, especially when he never meant any of it. He was just caught up in his feelings and had wanted to hurt Remus. But… Remus wasn't a morning person. He always slept in like Harry often did. The one who always woke up first and had breakfast going was Severus… Could that mean?
And Harry didn't waste anymore time dwelling on who was in the kitchen. He wrenched open the bathroom door, it slammed open with a bang against the wall as he sprinted to the kitchen. And he was right… It was Severus who was standing by the stove over a boiling pot of oatmeal, stirring its contents.
"Harry, what did I say about slamming doors and running in the house?"
But Harry didn't listen, he threw himself at Severus without a word, embracing his dad into a tight hug. He felt Severus sigh deeply as he hugged Harry back just as tightly. They stayed in their embrace for a few moments, not saying anything, and Harry felt so much lighter, so much better than he had in hours, as if all of his worry and fear, his anger and guilt, had finally lifted off his shoulders.
Severus was back… He was back home… Everything was okay again….
Severus then pulled Harry out of their embrace and kneeled down to Harry's eye level, his hands holding Harry by his upper arms, his dark eyes searching for something in his own eyes. Harry wondered what Severus was looking for.
"Harry, I'll always come back to you. No matter what happens. You're never going to be alone again."
Harry tried to look away with embarrassment, suddenly reminded of his behavior yesterday.
"No, son, keep looking at me. I want you to understand that no matter what happens, I'll always find my way back to you, and even if I do die, I'm always going to be with you, always, and don't forget you have Remus too. He'll always be around for you, and you also have the Weasleys. They love you as if you're their own child, you know that. You are loved, Harry. You're never going to be left behind or taken back to the Dursleys, and I'm going to keep reminding you this over and over. And I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for leaving you like that yesterday, but I had to, it's my job, but I'm back. I'm here. You won't ever lose me, okay? Do you understand?"
Severus' voice was so sincere and so comforting. Harry could only nod. He felt his throat choking up, and he really didn't know why he would react so strongly everytime Severus had to leave to Voldemort, especially when Severus was capable of taking care of himself. It was just the fact of Severus leaving, of being in danger, that there was always a slight chance of him never returning that reminded Harry of the way he'd lost Sirius.
Severus pulled Harry into another hug, muttering softly to him, holding him… "Remember to trust me, kid. Trust me, I'm not going anywhere. You know that."
"I'm sorry," Harry could only choke out. "I'm sorry I've made it difficult for you."
"It's okay. You were afraid. It's okay to be afraid sometimes."
They ended their embrace. Severus stood back up.
"Harry, Remus told me everything that happened yesterday."
That caused Harry to cringe with embarrassment. Now he knew a Severus Snape lecture was coming his way.
"Oh, he did?" Harry could only say.
Severus frowned at him, then sighed, "Let's sit down, we need to talk."
Severus checked the boiling pot on the stove, using magic to stir its contents on its own, and Harry let out a small groan of protest, but he sat at the table, ready to get the lecture over with.
"First of all, mental health check," Severus said, standing over him.
Harry sighed and rolled up his sleeves, showing Severus his arms. He hadn't scratched himself up last night. Severus didn't have anything to worry about this time.
"Good," His dad sat down across from him at the table, a mug of black coffee in his hands. "Do you want to explain yourself first?"
Harry could only shrug. He didn't know what to say. Remus had already chewed him out last night for being so reckless, and he didn't want to get scolded for it again by Severus.
Severus was patiently waiting. Harry quietly observed him, noticing how pale his face was, causing the dark circles under his eyes to stand out, showing Harry he must've not gotten any sleep last night. Severus really did look exhausted, and he probably went through hell yesterday, being so near Voldemort, then having to return home only to find out what Harry had done, endangering his life and Remus getting hurt over it. Because if Harry hadn't run off after Bellatrix so recklessly, they wouldn't have gotten ambushed in the clearing, and it led to that strange werewolf biting Remus. And the argument between him and Remus, did Severus know about that? Did he know about the most hurtful thing Harry had said to Remus? Did Severus take offense to that? And Harry felt so guilty for all of it… What he'd said wasn't at all true.
"Now that you're with Severus, do you even miss Sirius anymore?"
Bloody hell, why did he say that? It was cruel. Words only meant to hurt in the heat of the moment, all because of Remus being mad at Harry for going after Bellatrix and for refusing to understand why. For standing too close to him…being too close…triggering him. Remus was just too close and those words weren't true…it wasn't true…it wasn't true…it wasn't…it wasn't… it wasn't….
Suddenly, Severus reached over and tore Harry's hands away from themselves.
"Accio marker," he only said, and when it zoomed into his waiting hand, he handed it over to Harry.
"Whenever you're ready to talk, I'm here," Severus said as he stood up to continue cooking breakfast, leaving his coffee behind on the table.
Harry pressed the soft felt tip of the marker hard against his skin, making dark-purple lines across his forearm. His thoughts were whirling around in his head, mixed with anxiety and a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. Everything that happened yesterday just kept replaying over and over in his mind. Remus had been terrified for Harry. And Harry was sick of it all, sick of being trapped in his own head. He wanted these thoughts to go away, and the only way to do that… Harry suddenly looked at Severus, whose back was turned towards him, and Harry finally felt ready to speak.
"Dad," Harry croaked out, dropping the marker. It clattered to the floor, rolling away. Severus calmly sat back down in his chair.
"Take a deep breath, son. I'm here to listen whenever you're ready."
And Harry did just that, inhaling and exhaling until his eyes stopped burning. He rubbed at them, not wanting any tears to fall.
"I didn't mean to say that to Remus," Harry said.
"What did you tell him?"
Harry was taken aback by that question. Severus doesn't know? Bloody hell, I've snitched on myself!
But then, it was just as well. Harry knew he wouldn't be able to bear acting like he'd never said it, letting it sit unspoken between him and Remus like a hippogriff in the room. It would come up eventually, maybe not by him, but by Remus. And Harry wouldn't fault him for that. Those words had hurt Remus deeply, Harry saw it, watched them hit their mark in Remus, and Harry flinched at the memory of Remus' stricken face. No, this was better that he'd brought it up now. Harry wasn't a coward, he was a Gryffindor, and that meant he had to be brave and own up to his mistakes and face the consequences of them.
"I was just so angry when I saw Bellatrix, seeing her, it flipped some sort of switch in me. Just one look at her and I wanted her dead, and before I knew it, I was running after her. I wanted to not only hurt her, but to kill her for what she's done to Sirius. I'd told Remus that. He got upset and he scolded me for putting myself in danger, for wanting to kill her."
"What did he say?"
"He told me I wouldn't have been able to do it, that I would have to have a really great amount of hatred in my heart to be able to perform the unforgivables, and that he didn't think that I would have been able to even pull it off, and if I had succeeded, I would've lost my soul."
"Harry, Remus is right. To perform a spell as dark as the killing curse… I don't think even Remus, as powerful and clever as he is with magic, specifically the dark arts, would be able to do it."
"I know…I know…he is right, but yesterday I couldn't see that… What Remus didn't understand was that I felt like my soul was already tainted with darkness. He didn't believe me when I said I was already broken enough that perhaps, I could've pulled it off… I feel like there is darkness in me sometimes, and I really did believe for a moment that I could've done it, and it scared me, and Remus couldn't understand. He was too angry and shaken…and it hurt….
After all, I was responsible for Cedric's and Sirius' deaths. Remus said I wasn't, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I am because if I would've just done things differently, maybe they wouldn't have died… I wanted to hurt Remus for not understanding. I was mad and feeling wretched with myself for wanting to kill Bellatrix, and I just wanted to show him that there is darkness in me and that I could've performed the killing curse. It was cruel, and I regretted it immediately because what I said wasn't true at all, and I was so ashamed… I'm so sorry, dad, I didn't mean it all, I swear."
"What did you say?"
"Now that you're with Severus, do you even miss Sirius anymore?" Harry said quietly and shamefully, his cheeks blushing.
And it was silent. Harry couldn't bear to look at Severus.
"Harry, before we get into all of that," Severus said in a calm tone. "I want to talk about the things you've said about yourself first."
Harry sighed in frustration.
"Harry, like I've said already, Remus is right."
Harry glared at him, about to snap back at him for taking Remus' side, but Severus must've known because he spoke before Harry could start.
"No, no…before you say anything, listen to me first. This isn't about me choosing sides. Remus does have a point. You wouldn't have been able to attack Bellatrix with any of those curses, no matter how much she's hurt you. Those curses are not only extraordinarily advanced, but they have to come from a place inside of you from pure hatred. Can you imagine yourself being just as dark, hating with that much intensity that it consumes you?"
Harry shrugged, not saying anything. Afraid to answer.
Severus reached over and placed a hand over his own on the table. Harry looked up at him, finding himself staring into Severus' dark obsidian eyes.
"You're a good person, Harry. Even if you feel like you were in some way responsible for those deaths. It is the fact that you feel remorse and guilt over them, it shows that you are not as dark as you think you are, your soul isn't tainted. Killing without remorse is what makes a person dark. You have nightmares and you beat yourself up over their deaths, that's you feeling remorse, you feel guilt because you are a very good person and a very brave Gryffindor who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, who had the misfortune to be caught in those situations where people lost their lives, it was not your fault."
Harry suddenly felt his throat closing up a bit, he swallowed, blinking the sting of his eyes away as Severus continued, "I'm not sure if I could make you believe that, but believe me when I say that you do have a soul, it is good, it is pure, and I believe that was what Remus was trying to get you to see. With a soul as good as yours, it's impossible for you to perform the unforgivable curses the way you wanted to, even though you thought at the moment that you might've been able to."
Severus stopped, then asked, squeezing Harry's hand. "Do you understand, son?" Harry could only nod.
"And as for what you said to Remus, sometimes there is little truth in what we blurt out in the heat of arguments, even if you refuse to believe it otherwise, I mean why else would it be in our heads."
"Dad, no, I really didn't mean it!" Harry protested.
"I know, and if you did, even just a little bit, I just want to reassure you that it is okay to feel that. I'm never going to take the place of your godfather. I don't expect you and Remus to just completely let him go now that I'm here. Black was special to both you and Remus. I'll never take that away from you. I'll always respect that, even though I've hated Black's guts since the first time I laid eyes on him and wished him dead so many times over and over. I'll never take his place."
Harry couldn't help but smile a little at that last part. "Dad," he said.
Severus shrugged and let go of Harry's hand.
"I really didn't mean to hurt you or make you feel like I don't appreciate everything you've done for me and for Remus to get hurt."
"I know, son, I know… And you had the courage to bring it up and own up to it, to apologize. A soulless person wouldn't have the heart to do it. You see, your soul isn't tainted with darkness, it just feels like it's broken because you've been through so many hardships and it's changed for the better, Harry. It's made you stronger. You are a good person," Severus finished with such sincerity, Harry couldn't look away, and he found himself believing his dad.
And when it was clear that Harry had nothing else to say, Severus stood up again and went back to the stove, laddling porridge into a bowl.
"Now, your consequence is to make things right between you and Remus. Apologize to him for scaring the crap out of him when you ran after Bellatrix and for what you've said. No arguing amongst us, we are family, that is more important than revenge, remember that."
"Yes, sir," Harry said.
Severus placed the bowl in front of Harry and another one next to his coffee mug, and two platters between them, one filled with fruit, the other with sausage.
"This looks delicious!" Harry said as he blew the steam off a spoonful of his oatmeal.
"Thank you, kid," Severus said as he began to eat.
"Were you called yesterday because of the attack on the Burrow? Were you hurt? Was that why it took so long for you to come back?"
"Correct, the attack on the Burrow last night was the reason why I was called. Harry, going after Bellatrix and getting caught in an ambush was very reckless and stupid. I really hope you know how serious the consequences of your actions could've been. Consider yourself lucky that you and Miss Weasley weren't hurt. You know it's something I've lectured you about in the past. Remember what I've told you, to protect yourself, be smart, your life matters too above all else."
"I know…I remember that lecture on the beach," Harry said, suddenly unable to eat as he stirred the contents of his porridge.
"Good, that means that I don't have to repeat it."
Harry sighed out with relief at that.
"Hey, kid…"
Harry looked up from his oatmeal.
"I know you feel rotten for everything that happened yesterday. Let's put it behind us now. You are safe, Miss Weasley is safe. No one was seriously injured in the fire. That is all that matters."
Severus reached over and speared a piece of melon in his fork and plopped it into his mouth.
"You're not going to tell me everything that happened yesterday, are you?"
"If it was my choice, I would, you know that. Now, come on, eat, I've heard you barely had anything yesterday."
They ate their breakfast in silence, meaning Harry ate what little he could and Severus watched him with a concerned frown coaxing him every now and then to eat a bit of fruit or to try the sausage.
It wasn't long until Remus shuffled in, wearing an oversized sweater that went over his pajama pants. The bandage on his wound was visible, and to Harry's relief there didn't seem to be any sign of blood seeping through. Remus' hair was a mess, looking a lot like Harry's at the moment, and he squinted his eyes blurrily at them, seeming a bit confused to see Harry and Severus at the table eating breakfast.
"Good morning," Severus said worriedly to him.
"Morning, love," Remus grumbled back as he poured himself a cup of coffee and began dumping cream and sugar into it.
"Nightmares," Severus mouthed to Harry who glanced a sympathetic look at Remus. He really did look like he got hit by the knight bus. Remus was leaning against the counter, holding onto his coffee mug like it was his lifeline. His eyes were haunted by the nightmares he had all night. Harry was familiar with that feeling, the terror and the exhaustion in the morning.
"I'm going to floo to Hogwarts, I have a few simmering potions that need to be checked, and I also need to see how Draco is faring."
Harry whipped his attention to Severus, his eyes wide with protest, and he was sure that Severus could read what he was pleading for in his head.
No, Severus, don't leave me alone with him!
Severus gave him a stern look, and Harry knew what that meant. He was giving him and Remus some time alone to talk, but Harry didn't feel ready yet. "I'll be back, Harry, remember what we've talked about, and please, finish your breakfast."
Harry scowled and he casted his eyes down on his oatmeal. Luckily for him, Severus didn't see and Harry was spared a lecture about giving him attitude. Severus had gotten up and placed his dishes in the sink, then pulled Remus to him, muttering something in his ear and giving him a quick kiss, caressing the side of his face to get Remus to look at him. Harry kept his eyes on his food, waiting for them to finish being so nauseatingly sweet towards each other. Then Severus left the kitchen, the sounds of the flames turning into the floo network was heard, followed by a clear "Professor Lupin's office." And Severus was gone, leaving Harry alone with a sleep deprived and grumpy-looking Remus. The awkwardness in the kitchen had suddenly grown unbearable.
Harry stirred his oatmeal with his spoon, the sight of it was suddenly making him feel sick.
Remus continued to quietly drink his coffee, then he put it down on the counter with a sigh. Harry kept his eyes down at his plate, he could hear the opening of cabinets and the clatter of dishes as Remus served himself breakfast. Then the sounds of Remus making his way to the table, pausing to pick up the marker that had fallen on the floor. He sat down in Severus' spot and handed it to Harry, who took it without looking at him.
Remus began to eat. Harry just kept his eyes down. He felt like this was a morning after a punishment at Privet Drive, where he wasn't sure if he was still in trouble or not, still in danger of another beating… Not daring to look at Uncle Vernon. Harry didn't know where to look, how to start speaking. He fidgeted with the marker in his hands, trying to think up an excuse to leave, but Severus wanted him and Remus to talk and make up. Severus made it sound so easy, but it wasn't.
This isn't Privet Drive. I'm not with Uncle Vernon. I'm with Remus, he'll never hurt me like that….
"Try a bit more fruit, Harry," Remus said, he handed a cut-up strawberry that was speared on the prongs of his fork, holding it out for Harry to take. A peace offering. Harry shook his head, slowly raising his eyes on Remus who gave him a small reassuring smile.
This never happened at Privet Drive… This isn't Privet Drive… This is Remus… Not Uncle Vernon… Not Uncle Vernon….
"I don't think I can eat another bite, but thank you," Harry said. Remus only shrugged and plunked the strawberry into his own mouth.
This isn't Privet Drive… This isn't Uncle Vernon… This is Remus, he would never hurt me. This is Remus… Remus… Harry kept repeating the mantra over and over in his head, until he finally began to believe it, until he finally found the words he wanted to say.
"Remus, I'm sorry about what I said last night. I didn't mean it. I was just feeling so bad about myself and angry and I lashed out. I wanted to hurt you…to make you feel bad like I was feeling inside and I'm sorry for wanting that. I didn't mean any of it, I swear!" Harry said all of this in a rush, without taking a breath. His heart was thumping with nerves and he continued fidgeting with the marker in his hands, wondering if he should open it and press the tip to his arm, to feel the pressure, then the cool ink… Would Remus forgive him? Harry couldn't bear it if he decided to stay mad at him.
"I understand, cub."
"You do? You're not still mad at me?"
"No, Harry, I was never mad at you."
Thrown off by Remus' calm answers, Harry only gave him a confused look.
"Harry, was there a little bit of truth in what you'd said? I know you didn't mean to say it, but how would you come up with that, unless that thought has been in your head? Even for just a fleeting moment… Sometimes in the heat of an argument, truth can be thrown into the crossfire, unintentional or not."
"Severus sort of told me the same thing," Harry shrugged.
Remus smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Well, he's a smart man, always listen to him, cub. He's no fool, that's for sure." He sounded exhausted.
Harry nodded once at that, suddenly a question was on the tip of his tongue. He had to ask, "Why didn't you tell Severus what I'd said to you?"
"I wanted you to do it," Remus said as he continued to eat his oatmeal.
Harry watched him for a while. "Why?"
Remus finished the rest of his food, looking as if he were thinking carefully on what to say next.
"Because I know you would not have been able to live with yourself if it went unspoken. You would hold on to it, feel bad until you break and apologize. I was hoping that once that happened, you would realize that you are indeed a good person. A soulless person, a bad person, who is able to perform those curses perfectly, would never be able to feel remorse like you do."
"Oh, Severus talked to me about all of that too."
"Of course he did, that is why you must listen to your father. He is very right, Harry. You have a soul, and even though you feel like it's damaged, it's still pure and good because it's you, you're simply still you."
Harry nodded, showing that he agreed with what Remus was saying.
Remus watched Harry from across the table, then said, "I didn't mean for you to mistake my words last night, to believe that you were souless or tainted with darkness."
"It's okay, Remus, I believe you and Severus… I have to start thinking better of myself."
Remus sighed at that, as if what Harry had said had a deeper meaning to him. "We both need to be kinder to ourselves."
Harry just nodded again, not really sure what he should say after that. Actually the truth was, Harry didn't feel like talking about it anymore, even though there was still so much he wanted to tell Remus. He wanted to explain why he ran off after Bellatrix, that he didn't mean to cause Remus so much panic, that he didn't mean to put everyone in danger. Harry wanted to confide in Remus so very much, but Harry was feeling stuck. He was feeling stuck and he didn't have the energy to bring it all up, and he didn't know why, so Harry just remained silent.
"You know I'm not replacing Sirius, you know that, right? He'll always have a place in my heart. He was my best friend before he became my boyfriend. And he was your godfather. He'll never be just nothing. He's always with us, Harry, and not even Severus can take that away."
"I'm sorry," Harry could only choke out.
"I know, cub."
"For everything."
"I know you are. Let's just forget it all and start over, okay?"
Harry let out a sigh of relief. "I would like that."
Remus winked at Harry, then stood up from the table and poured himself another cup of coffee, then sat back down. Harry guessed he was still looking a bit forlorn or guilt-ridden, because Remus smiled at him and said, "We're okay, cub."
And Harry smiled back, then it faltered when he again noticed the dark circles and bloodshot eyes caused by Remus' sleepless night. The bruises on his face, left by Rowan. They weren't as dark as the night before, but they were still there, still noticeable, just like the bandage on Remus' neck. It wasn't hard to miss.
"Does it hurt?" Harry asked, indicating the bandaged wound.
"Only when I think about it," Remus said, sipping his coffee.
"Why did that werewolf bite you? Who was he, did you know him? His name was Rowan, right?"
Remus nodded a yes to Harry's last question. "I didn't know him, I've never seen Rowan before. And Greyback…well you heard him, he had Rowan do it so I could join their pack."
"You're not going to, right?"
"Never."
"You called it the…" But Harry didn't get to finish, because Remus had asked him at the same time, "Hey, cub, would you like to fix up your bedroom? Make it more your own?"
Harry was thrown off at the sudden question, "What do you mean? It's your old bedroom."
"Not anymore, it's your room now."
Harry knew Remus was changing the subject on purpose. He had looked uncomfortable throughout their brief conversation on the werewolves. Harry allowed it, even though he was itching to find out more about what happened. He could tell Remus was exhausted, even though he was working hard to appear normal and happy for Harry.
So Harry smiled, and agreed with Remus' idea by saying, "I once had to sleep in a cupboard under the stairs, and now I have two bedrooms."
Remus smiled, but it was a bit sad from what Harry revealed. "This is our home away from Hogwarts. Let's clean up, then we can go to the muggle village today, pick out some paint, look at furniture. Just anything that can make it more your room instead of mine. It's like a bloody time capsule in there. I'm tired of looking at it and cringing from my awkward teenage years."
When Severus returned from Hogwarts, he found the cabin in complete chaos. He stood near the door, the sounds of Harry and Remus could be heard from Harry's bedroom, it sounded like Remus was teaching him to sing again. Why were their voices echoing? As if they were in an empty room? Severus walked through the footpath between the mess, expecting it closely and he found that everything that was in Remus' childhood bedroom was all sorted into two sides of the living room. Two signs were placed on the piles that said, Keep and Cellar for Donation. The living room felt like a junk house with everything haphazardly placed all over. However, Severus didn't mind this topsy-turvy chaos one bit, because judging by the singing and laughing echoing from the bedroom, it seemed that Harry and Remus had sorted out their differences. That was all Severus wanted from them this morning. There was no room for fighting, Severus didn't have enough time left for that, and Remus and Harry didn't know it. He couldn't tell them, and it made his heart twinge painfully. Severus pushed it away.
Severus had spent most of the morning working on potions that were needed for his lessons for the new school term. He also found a bit of time to check on his Animagus Potion, which was coming along smoothly. All Severus had to do now was wait for the next electrical storm to arrive to proceed on to the next step. Draco was found in the library, he seemed to be catching up on homework, Severus wasn't entirely sure, but his godson had barely spoken to Severus, only responding to him with one worded answers or non-committal grunts, insisting that he was fine and didn't want to be bothered. Severus reminded Draco that he was still welcomed to spend the rest of the holidays with him and Harry if he should wish to do so, all he had to do was send word for Severus to get him. Draco didn't reply to that, his eyes focused on the book he was reading, jotting things down on his notes. And all Severus could do was just leave him to it, feeling thoroughly annoyed and frustrated at his godson's stubbornness.
The hallway was cluttered with stuff that had yet to be sorted, causing Severus to move carefully towards the bedroom without knocking anything down.
"What's all this?" Severus asked as he stood at the doorway.
Harry and Remus turned towards him with broad smiles. Remus was just in the middle of painting the wall in the muggle way with a round muggle tool. Severus had forgotten the muggle term for it. Blue tape was placed on the walls and near the ceiling. Newspapers covered the floor. It was nice to see that Remus had finally abandoned the overly large sweater and was dressed in old jeans and a Beatles t-shirt. His hair looked so much neater and his face had color again.
"You know magic could've been faster and way easier," Severus said, observing their work.
"And where is the fun in that?" Remus said.
"Dad, Remus said I could fix up his room to be more like mine, do you like the new color?"
Severus admired the room. It was just one wall that they'd painted, the one where Harry's bed frame was. It was a dark olive sort of green that complimented the wooden walls and beams in the bedroom, it gave the room a more rustic and warm vibe to it. A room you would expect to see in a wooden cabin.
"I like it. I'm surprised you went with a Slytherin color."
"It's not a Slytherin color! It's too dark," Harry protested.
Remus shook his head at Severus with feigned disgust. "How could you insult us like that, Severus?"
"Merlin, help me with these Gryffindors," Severus only said, causing Harry to laugh.
Severus strolled over to Remus and planted a large kiss on his cheek, loving how he was covered in paint and smiling, and seeming very happy at the moment, even though Remus still had dark circles under his eyes, the only sign to the nightmare-ridden night he had. It was a better state than he was this morning at least.
"How about we speed this up a bit now, Harry?" Remus said.
Harry nodded his agreement. Remus waved his wand, muttering an incantation to make the muggle tools magically finish painting the wall with a fast and efficient pace. Then with a quick drying charm, the room was done. "Only because Tonks should be coming at any moment to help us with the wards. Harry, let's get all this cleaned up so we can put back the furniture. Are you still sure you don't want to change it?"
"No, I like it, it goes with the cabin," Harry said as he began to pick up the newspaper off the floor and Remus began to use his wand to banish away the blue tape. Severus cleared up the leftover paint bucket and muggle tools.
Once the room was clean and ready, Severus and Remus levitated the bed, desk, nightstand and wardrobe, using Harry's directions on where to place them. The stuff that Remus and Harry didn't want was all sent down to the basement.
And just when they were done with that, admiring the newly renovated bedroom, and the cabin now resembling a neat and cozy home again, the wards went off, signaling that there was an unknown visitor at the edge of the wards and shields that were hiding the cabin.
"I hope that's Tonks," Remus frowned worriedly. Luckily, he didn't have to spend any more time worrying. A patronus of a wolf appeared and Tonks' voice rang out through Harry's room, announcing her arrival. Severus couldn't help but snort out with annoyance and disgust at her wolf patronus.
"I'll go get her," Remus smiled with relief, silencing the wards.
"Why do you seem annoyed at Tonks being here?" Harry asked, looking at Severus. He must've seen Severus' reaction to her patronus.
Severus just shook his head with a scowl. "That is not your business."
They didn't have to wait long for Remus to arrive back with Tonks.
The witch came in with a smile, her hair bright-pink and so short it just touched her shoulders. Her eyes were also pink to match her hair color and she was still dressed in her auror robes. After what Remus had revealed to Severus about Tonks' crush on him, it gave Severus more reason to not like her.
"Wothcher, Harry," she greeted Harry.
Harry grinned back. "Hi, Tonks."
She then looked at Severus who was watching everything by the entrance of the hallway, his arms were crossed against his chest and his best scowl was on his face. From behind Tonks, Remus saw that and glared pointedly at him. Severus didn't care. He had to keep up appearances after all.
"Hi, Snape," Tonks said hesitantly, her eyes suddenly turning blue.
"Tonks," was all Severus said, not exactly welcoming, but a greeting nonetheless.
The awkwardness was stifling in the room, Severus caught Harry and Remus exchanging exasperated glances. Severus rolled his eyes. Remus already knew how he'd felt about Tonks coming here.
"Harry, why don't you show Tonks what you've been doing to your room?" Remus suggested, his eyes on Severus.
Harry nodded with relief. "Come on," he said to Tonks. Severus stepped out of their way as they passed.
Once they were gone, Remus gestured to their bedroom with a small close-lipped smile.
Severus sighed with annoyance and followed him, making sure their bedroom door locked behind him and he warded it with a Silencing Charm for privacy.
As soon as Severus turned his attention to Remus, he said, "Severus, you know you have nothing to worry about, right? I thought we'd talked about this last night."
"She fancies you. How can you two be friends with that between you? We'd hardly managed it, it drove me mad fancying you while being forced to stay friends with you."
"You and I didn't work as just friends because I fancied you too, there was too much heat between us."
Severus couldn't help but let out a smug smile.
"With Tonks and I, there's nothing but friendship. Her feelings for anything more than friendship were just one sided and we talked it out. She understands that nothing could ever happen between us. She's accepted that, and now she's my best friend, meaning she isn't going to go away. You have to trust me now, can you trust me, Severus? Because everytime I mention her, it upsets you. I don't want Tonks' presence in my life to be constantly causing arguments between us. You have nothing to worry about. I really don't have any interest in women whatsoever, I'm completely mad for only you."
"Do you really think of me so little as not trusting you? Of course I bloody trust you, it's her I don't. She's a child, Remus."
Remus looked at him with exasperation and said, "Twenty-three is considered a young adult."
"Remus, you're ten years older than her."
"When did being friends with someone have an age restriction? What about you and Dumbledore?"
"He's no friend of mine!"
"Are you sure about that? You two are always hanging out, even if it isn't work related."
"So we go to the pub together every now and then, it doesn't make us friends."
"Severus… I'm trying to make a point!"
"And what point is that exactly?!"
"That there really is nothing to worry about." And before Severus knew it, Remus was standing so close to him. "The point I'm trying to make is that you have my heart, Severus Snape, and nothing or anyone for that matter, can change that." Hazel-green eyes were suddenly all Severus could see, and Remus captured Severus' lips into his own before Severus could say anything in return. Remus then pulled away, but not too far so that his breath was still warm against Severus' lips. "Remember that the next time you get jealous, okay?"
Severus was at a loss of words and he'd lost feeling in his legs. He wasn't sure how he was still standing. He could only swallow nervously, then his breath hitched with surprise as Remus suddenly knocked him down to the bed.
"And if you're somewhat decent to Tonks today, I promise you something in return." Remus trailed kisses from Severus' lips to the line of his jaw, then down his neck, his collarbone… Severus felt him unbuckling his pants and he felt something warm and soft envelope him.
"Fuck! Remus!" Severus gasped at the surprise, feeling his penis suddenly hardening in Remus' mouth.
Remus sucked on it for a moment then let out a breathy chuckle and pulled away, climbing back up to Severus and kissing him. Severus could taste himself on Remus' tongue.
The kiss ended with a mischievous smile from Remus as he fixed Severus' pants, zipping them close again.
"You can't just blackmail me like that!" Severus gasped, fighting his sudden desire to grab Remus and just have him there on the bed, but he restrained himself.
"Okay, fine," Remus shrugged. "Forget it."
"No!"
"No?" Remus laughed.
"Remus, you're driving me mad!" Severus pulled Remus back down, attacking his neck and face with quick and fervent kisses.
"I'm sorry! I just wanted you to be nice!" Remus laughed, trying to squirm away.
"Everything…you do…drives me…mad!" Severus said in between kisses, sucking on the uninjured side of Remus' neck until the skin became a bit red. Small and dark, just enough that maybe Tonks would notice it. "You know you're asking a lot from me. Nice is not really a part of my nature," Severus said once he was satisfied with the result and the fact that Remus hadn't noticed it.
"I know… It's like I'm asking a Slytherin to be a Hufflepuff."
"Only for you, wolf," Severus said, sitting up on the bed and noticing the bandage on Remus' neck looking a bit worn from the day and their tussle.
Remus held up a hand, and Severus helped him sit up as well. "Let me look at that bite and rebandage it before we go back out and I have to play nice."
"Does it look any better?" Remus asked. They were now in their private bathroom. Remus was sitting on the lid of the closed toilet with his neck at an angle. Severus was dabbing the wound with warm water and soap, keeping it clean before adding more ointment to it.
"So much better, it's closing up. It's the bruising around it that looks…"
"Bad?"
Severus didn't say anything in return, he just began to wrap it back up. Then when he was done, he could feel Remus watching him as he put the supplies away.
"When do you plan on going over those books?" Severus asked.
"Tonight perhaps, I just don't want to do it with Harry around."
"I agree," Severus said, remembering how ghastly those books were.
"I also have to tell Tonks everything as well. She wants an explanation. I think it would be easier for Dumbledore to be here too, that way I can just do this once."
"Albus, I understand… But Tonks? Best friend or not, you don't have to do that. You don't owe her an explanation."
"Severus, she's my best friend, and she was there. She saw everything. I do owe her one, if this had happened to her and I was the one who saw it, I would want an explanation too!" Remus said with annoyance, as if he were starting to lose his patience with Severus. It was a bit unlike him. Remus was always known to have a bounty of patience. He's probably just exhausted… Severus figured.
"Fine… I apologize… You're right of course," Severus said, sensing another argument rising between them over the witch. He hoped that what he said would smother it before it grew into flames. Remus only frowned.
Severus kneeled down in front of Remus, caressing the side of his face. "Darling, I'm trying… I promise, I'll be decent to her today, let's not argue."
Remus sighed out with annoyance, his eyes full of exasperation as he muttered, "It won't kill you, Severus."
"It could…"
"Merlin, help me…"
.
.
It was an odd group Severus found himself with.
Albus, Tonks, Remus and himself. They had just finished the wards around the cabin. Tonks was now able to see and enter the property and knock on their door without Remus having to go get her at the barrier, just as Severus and Harry were both allowed to do.
Harry was in his room, working on some of his drawings. The group were in the kitchen. Severus made sure to put up a Silencing Charm to prevent Harry from eavesdropping. Remus, Tonks and Albus were all seated around the table. Severus was leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed against his chest, taking in the nervous demeanor Remus suddenly had.
Tonks reached over and covered Remus' hand with her own. Severus stiffened, glaring at her, hoping if he fixed her with his death glare long enough, that maybe she would take the hint and leave or maybe even catch on fire or just get her fucking hand off his werewolf… Remus suddenly turned towards him and raised an eyebrow at him, reminding him to be nice. Severus scowled, there was no way Remus knew what he was thinking. Then Severus caught Albus observing the scene with an amused twinkle in his blue eyes. Severus scowled again when he'd realized the old coot had noticed Severus' jealousy and the silent exchange between him and Remus.
"We're right here with you, Remus," Tonks said reassuringly.
Remus placed his gaze back on the witch and solemnly nodded, squeezing her hand back. Severus looked away.
"Whenever you're ready, Remus," Albus said gently.
Remus took a deep breath and began…
The room was silent when Remus was done. He told them everything that he had told Severus last night. The fight between him and Greyback and how it resulted in him being leader now and details on the mating bite.
Their attention was on Remus who had his eyes on Albus.
"You know what Greyback's pack is like. It isn't the usual colony of werewolves I've spied on for you, the ones living out in rural areas where there aren't any signs of humans around for miles and miles. Greyback's pack is far from that… I don't have to tell you anymore of what makes them so dangerous."
Albus nodded, "You are correct, Remus. There is a reason why Greyback and his pack have such a bloodthirsty reputation, why their eyes glow so red while yours are so golden."
"As red as the blood that drips from their fangs after each full-moon," Remus said.
"They hunt humans?" Tonks said with shock and disgust.
Remus nodded. "They hunt them. You know the tales, Tonks, werewolves stationing themselves near villages just before their changes, that way they can hunt the villagers like prey, and if there are any surviving children, they take them back for recruitment. And once the full-moon rises, they take whatever bodies that are left…to…" Remus' face was suddenly tinged with green. "Greyback's pack is what keeps those stories real. They are more than just werewolves hunting humans every full-moon, they are cannibals…true monsters… They eat human flesh even when it isn't a full-moon."
"And what you've told us about defeating Greyback… You're…" Tonks said, her voice shaking.
Remus suddenly covered his face with his hands, his elbows on the surface of the table. "I'm a leader of cannibals…" he finished for Tonks, his voice shaking, sounding like he was about to be sick.
Severus stepped forward, but before he could do anything else, Remus stood up with a muffled apology and left for the bathroom. The sounds of retching could be heard through the walls.
"Bloody hell…" Severus heard Tonks mutter with shock and concern.
Albus was silent, thinking… Severus didn't like that. He was sure Albus was thinking about how he could take advantage of Remus' situation for the war.
"Whatever you're thinking about right now… Stop it… Stop it right now!" Severus hissed so slowly and so deadly, Tonks flinched from it, her eyes going back and forth between Albus and Severus with caution.
"I assure you, Severus, whatever thoughts I was having at the moment, you don't have to worry."
"Liar," Severus snarled.
It was deadly silent.
Severus knew Albus. He knew the headmaster was thinking about Remus' last failed mission. He knew Albus was thinking that this could be a chance to salvage it, but Severus wasn't going to allow Remus to get used like that, not again, at least not without a choice made by a clear mind. He wasn't going to let Albus take advantage of the situation and manipulate Remus into another suicide mission.
Remus came back. He sat back down in his seat and Severus handed him a cup of water which was accepted by a hoarse thank you. "Are you okay to continue? I can kick them out," Severus said, earning a defiant glare from Tonks.
"That won't be necessary, Severus," Remus said, sipping the water slowly. "Forgive me…" he then said to Tonks and Albus.
"No need for that," Tonks said. "This is hard, just take your time."
Severus rolled his eyes and resumed his spot, standing by the counter, trying not to lose control and snap at Albus and Tonks to leave.
"I'm never accepting it. I think Greyback knew that and had Rowan give me this…" For the first time since he'd received it, Remus voluntarily brought his bandaged wound to attention. "I think this bite was one more try to entice me to join and on that small chance of that happening, he was worried how I was going to rule, that I may change his pack's way of hunting. I don't know if he meant for me to end up as leader or maybe he did as a last resort." As he spoke, Remus' voice was hoarse from his bout of sickness. He turned his attention to Tonks. "Tonks, I've explained what this bite was and what it means, the ancient magic that is behind it. This bite now prevents me from having full power. It means that if I should accept my place as leader, and if Rowan gets me to return the bite, the mating bond is set and he and I would have to rule as one."
"Rowan is the one who gave you the first bite," Tonks said. "If the mating bond is finalized, would that be an equal power or would he always be the one who controls you?"
Remus thought about her question, and Severus tried to think back to when he was flipping through the books, if they'd said anything about mating bonds. He couldn't recall it. But did this all matter anyway? Remus was never going to accept his rule as leader, never going to give Rowan his mating bite. This was all hypothetical talk. And Severus glanced at Albus, he'd been silent, still deep in his thoughts. Severus fixed him with his meanest coldest glare.
"I think… I think that would make him the alpha between us. I have to do further research, but it does make sense, since he was the one who initiated the first bite. It would mean that he would always have influence on the way I rule."
"That has to be what Greyback wants. There's no doubt about it. Bloody hell, this is a horrible situation, isn't it? But we'll get through this, Remus. You said it yourself that you don't have to do any of that," Tonks said.
"Horrible, indeed, Tonks… But don't be so quick to cast away an opportunity… Perhaps, we can turn this around and use this horrible situation to our advantage…" Albus finally spoke, and his words were met with a shocked silence.
Severus stepped forward, his growl breaking the silence, "Don't you dare say another fucking word!"
"Severus," Remus warned.
"He wants you to take it!" Severus spat with disgust and disbelief.
"Let's not be so quick to jump to conclusions, Severus. I'm merely pondering it, but it really is up for Remus to decide. If he does, it would make such a positive difference on our side of the war, and if he doesn't, well it would be okay, just nothing more but a missed opportunity."
Severus was so angry at the headmaster, he couldn't even speak. He only glared at him, his fists clenched into fists.
"Remus…" Albus turned his focus back on Remus who had watched the headmaster's and Severus' exchange with a heavy frown. "You do know that if you should decide to join Greyback's pack as leader, you still have power over the pack, even with Rowan tied to you. You are still the pack's leader with or without that mating bite, which means you have the power to turn Britain's most dangerous and largest werewolf pack to our side. This could give us a greater advantage of winning the war and it would mean less lives ruined and lost from this pack."
"Albus!" Severus snapped, interrupting the headmaster from saying anything more. "Remus is not responsible for preventing that or should be worrying about how his choice affects the greater good. He owes the greater good nothing!"
"I'm not forcing you to do anything. Severus is right, you don't owe the greater good anything, especially after how they've treated you as a werewolf… I'm just asking you to ponder on this, Remus, give it some thought on both ends. Don't just toss the new title away. If you join them, if you get them on our side, if you change this pack, the news of it would be sure to travel to the other werewolf colonies, then they would see there is nothing to be feared. That if they all stand as one against Voldemort, they have a chance to fight in this war on the right side and that can change things for them. The mission that you've started this summer, doesn't have to end as a failure any longer. This can be a second chance. Think of Johnathan Porter…of his daughter…"
Severus didn't like how Remus was considering Albus' plea. The anger he was feeling towards Albus was growing. How dare he offer this mission to Remus when the other one failed so disastrously. Remus had almost died! He'd lost himself and he was still struggling to put back the pieces that were left. Severus couldn't even imagine what this mission could do to Remus if he survived it, the state he would be in. There would be nothing left for him to put back together.
"Think of what they died for… Just think about this, that's all I'm asking, Remus. It's only a choice you can make," Albus finished.
"Okay, enough of that, you blasted old coot!" Severus shouted.
"Severus!" Remus shouted.
Tonks just surveyed the scene with wide eyes and a shocked expression.
"Get the fuck out!" Severus ignored Remus, he was seeing red. How dare Albus say that! He crossed a fucking line! How dare he mention the Porters to Remus like that, using his guilt of their deaths to convince him into taking on this dangerous mission!
"Severus, calm down," Remus insisted, his voice filled with warning.
"It's okay, Remus. I would be quite concerned if Severus didn't refer to me as an old coot at least twice a week," Albus said calmly. His blue eyes danced with an icy fire as he studied Severus with an unreadable expression.
"Get the fuck out!" Severus shouted again, stepping in front of Remus, blocking him from Albus.
"Severus, stop!" Remus snapped from behind him, getting out of his seat.
"Remus, I won't let him manipulate you into taking another mission. I won't let him sit in your parent's cabin, your home, and useyou like that! He has no fucking right mentioning the Porters to you, to insult their memory like that to you! You almost died last time! He was there when your heart stopped beating!"
Remus flinched at that and Tonks stood up as well and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Snape is right," she whispered to him.
Albus stood up, his blue eyes still on Severus. "You are right, Severus. I believe I've overstepped and now I've overstayed my welcome." He nodded to Remus. "I apologize, Remus, I didn't mean to treat you so poorly. Forgive me. I'll let myself out." He then gave Remus a wink before walking out of the kitchen.
Once the headmaster was gone, Severus and Tonks looked at each other, the animosity between them forgotten in their shared concern for Remus and the audacity of Albus Dumbledore.
They then looked at Remus, who had watched Albus go in silence. His eyes were still on the doorway, looking lost in thought, as if he were considering what Albus had told him. His face looked paler and a bit greener than before and Severus wondered if Remus was going to be sick again.
"You're not actually considering what Dumbledore said to you, are you?!" Tonks suddenly snapped at Remus.
And for the first time that evening, Severus found himself grateful for the witch's presence. Her exclamation towards Remus made Severus realize that he, himself, wasn't going mad, that he wasn't overreacting with Albus, and that he was very right in kicking him out of the cabin. It was Albus Dumbledore who was being the mad old fool for spewing all of that garbage to Remus.
"Remus, you have to be mad to agree with that mission! Even if you're their leader now, Greyback isn't going to let you off so easily for defying him over and over and defeating him. And Rowan! That werewolf is a bloody criminal! They can do worse than kill you. I'm sure they're already planning it out, with the way Rowan was looking at you, and you'll just be falling into Greyback's trap, doing what he is hoping you to do!"
"I know, Tonks, I know, believe me, I know," Remus said softly, finally tearing himself away from the doorway of the kitchen and moving his gaze to Tonks. He didn't look at Severus.
"But it's a way to help out in the war, to redo my failed mission and make sure it actually succeeds. Albus is crazy, but he is also right. If I turn this pack around, if I get the werewolves to fight on our side, it can change things for them, give them more rights, equality and freedom, maybe the wizarding community would actually start to see us as human again so that way they don't have to banish themselves off to live in colonies.
And if I do this, Kaylie's death won't have to be in vain anymore. If I do this…it would be for her, for her father. And if I do this, if there is a final battle that happens to land on a night of a full-moon, people on our side won't be in danger from getting bit or attacked by werewolves. Albus is right, this could change so much! Tonks, can't you see that?!"
"No! How can you be certain that it'll all work out like that? What if taking on the mission doesn't change anything? What if you can't stop the pack from hunting humans? What if you die?!" Tonks argued back. "You've already almost died from the last mission, we almost lost you, and what if this time we do?"
Remus turned towards Severus. "Severus?"
And the look Remus shot him, pleading to understand. Severus wanted to say yes, to make him happy, but the sound of that magical monitor ringing, telling him and Poppy that Remus was dying, that sound was all he could hear, and the ghost of Albus' hand on his shoulder, telling Severus to let Remus go… He wanted to be on Remus' side so very much, but he couldn't, he couldn't lead Remus into danger and possibly his death.
His heart stopped beating….
"Remus, I'm sorry, but she's right… There are a lot of what-ifs. If you take on this mission…"
But Remus flinched at Severus' words, the hurt clear in his eyes. It struck Severus hard to have Remus look at him like that.
"I haven't decided anything yet, I'm just considering what Dumbledore said. Thanks for your thoughts on it, I'll consider them too," Remus said tersely.
"Remus," Severus pleaded. "Don't be like that!"
"Like what?!" Remus snapped. "You two are supposed to have my back on this!"
"What's there to even fucking decided?!" Tonks shouted before Severus could say anything back.
"Tonks, you don't get it!" Remus shouted. "You don't get what being a werewolf is like! Being different and only being seen for it!"
"I know that a little bit more than you think! And so does he!" Tonks threw a hand at Severus, then made her way towards the doorway. "I'm a Metamorphmagus. I'm a young female auror, who also happens to be the office klutz!" She turned towards Remus, her back to the doorframe, blue eyes changing to maroon. "And if that isn't enough, I'm also the niece of Bellatrix Lestrange! Why do you think Alastor is my mentor? He's the only one who would take me on as his apprentice, the only one who sees past all that and sees the potential I carry."
Remus' face was stricken at that as Tonks carried on.
"I know what being an outcast is like, and I know that what you go through everyday is about a hundred times worse for you than it is for me. I get that, Remus. But I don't want you to kill yourself over something that can't possibly be changed, it would take a bloody miracle for the mission to work out the way your hoping it might."
"Dora… Please, just understand…" Remus started, stepping towards her, but Tonks backed away, shaking her head.
"Just owl me when you've come to your senses!" Tonks snapped, her eyes now watery deep pools of maroon. Severus almost felt bad for the witch as she turned away from Remus and stormed out into the living room and to the front door to make her dramatic departure… Almost….
"Tonks! Don't go!" Remus called out, going after her.
Good riddance! Severus thought savagely. He stayed standing where he was, taking down the Silencing Charm so that their voices carried from the living room to the kitchen.
"And nice hickey by the way, what a way to rub it into my face!"
Severus winced at that, knowing Harry could probably hear them too.
"What?!" Remus asked, thrown off by Tonks' words. "Tonks, please don't go like this."
The front door slammed shut, followed by a pop coming from outside.
And the witch has made her dramatic departure….
It was a small moment until Remus finally walked back into the kitchen, looking forlorn and eyes slowly traveled to Severus, letting out a huff of annoyance. "Are you going to tell me I can't do the mission as well?" he asked.
Severus shook his head. "It's your decision, and Tonks already said everything I wanted to…"
"Are you going to storm out too, then?"
"No, Remus." Severus stepped forward, wrapping his hand around Remus' arm and pulling him close. Remus looked up at him, his hazel eyes flecked with bits of gold. "I can't stop you from whatever you decide to do. This mission is dangerous with a small chance of you succeeding, not that I'm saying I don't believe in you, darling, because I do, I believe you can do it, but are you willing to give yourself up for it, because I'm not willing to lose you like that, to lose you to this pack… This pack, Remus… What I've read… This pack is…"
Remus stepped away from Severus' grasp, looking affronted, "You looked through the books?" The gold in his eyes was becoming more noticeable now.
Severus hesitated, realizing his slip. "A bit…"
"Why couldn't you wait for me?"
"You wouldn't talk to me!"
"I needed time, Severus," Remus said with exasperation and hurt. "And was it really necessary for you to leave a hickey on me, knowing Tonks was coming, knowing what I told you about our argument? What were you trying to prove to her? That I'm yours? I'm not something to be claimed!"
"Fuck," Severus said. "Remus, you're right. I apologize, that was…" I'm fucking stupid! was what Severus wanted to say. Jealousy really got the best of him.
Remus moved a hand to the bandage on his neck "It's no better than Rowan leaving…"
But before Severus could answer, Remus slapped his hand to his mouth, his face growing very pale and very green. And as quick as a flash, Severus guided Remus to the sink just in time for him to spew out anything that was still left in his stomach after his last bout of sickness. It wasn't much of anything but bile and Remus was left dry-heaving. Severus frowned with worry, rubbing Remus' back. He needed to get his boyfriend to eat something.
Once Remus was done, Severus handed him a cup of water and an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter, not saying a word to him so he could pull himself together.
Remus sipped at the water slowly, washing out his mouth.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be like that. It was a bad lack of judgment on my part."
"It's fine…" Remus started to say, but he turned, dropping the apple to the floor. Severus grabbed the cup out of his hands as Remus bent himself over the sink again and started dry-heaving again.
And all Severus could do was rub his back and tell him that it'll be over soon and he'll be okay. He wordlessly summoned a phial that would help calm the nausea and gave it to Remus once he was finally done.
"If you do decide to go through with the mission, how are you going to pull it off, if the very idea of you being the alpha of Greyback's pack makes you physically sick everytime?" Severus couldn't help but ask.