Chapter Twenty-Four You Belong Here With Us
Disclaimer: Hey Jude by The Beatles and This Is The New Year by A Great Big World
The days leading up to the New Year went by quickly and peacefully, despite everything that had happened on Christmas.
Harry, Remus and Severus had spent the holiday together in the cabin, watching movies and playing board games to pass the time until the clock struck twelve.
They were in the middle of a very intense game of Battleship, Harry and Severus together as a team versus Remus. Harry and Severus were struggling to work together as a team, and because of that, Remus was crushing them, watching them with an innocent poker face as they argued on their next move.
And during the midnight chiming of the clock on the mantel, they stood up and exchanged hugs, clinking their mugs of hot butterbeer together. They then sat back down, Severus was tickling Harry besides him who had asked Remus if he could be his Battleship partner.
"You little traitor!" Severus laughed. "We would only be winning if you would've just taken my advice, and now we are losing!"
"You don't know what you're doing!" Harry laughed, squirming away from Severus' fingers.
Remus laughed, watching them. "How about we exchange New Year wishes?"
His suggestions surprised Severus and Harry so much, they stopped their playfulness. Harry sat back up, recomposing himself. He didn't know what to say.
The Dursleys of course kept Harry locked in his cupboard during every single holiday while growing up. Every New Year's Eve, Harry would hear their voices, their laughter and their wishes for the new year coming through the vents of his cupboard, and Harry was always left in the dark, without a soul who cared for him. That was how every year ended and how the next one started, Harry feeling so utterly alone in the world… But not this year, nor the next, not anymore….
Remus noticed Harry's hesitation. He smiled softly at Harry with understanding. "I'll go first," he said. And it made Harry feel seen. He felt understood and he didn't feel alone. He hadn't felt alone in quite a while, he realized, and that was because of Remus and Severus, his dads.
"I wish for more days like this in the new year, just us three with carefree days and happiness and love between us," Remus said, his hazel eyes were a bit sad when he said that, his voice had a hint of wistfulness. And Harry wondered at that. It was as if Remus knew that their time together had an ending. It worried Harry, he knew it was the war. It was always because of the war. It was coming closer. The attack on the Burrow was a wake-up call for them, to spend every moment together as if it were their last. And to be ready.
He wondered if they would be together like this as a family for the next New Year's Eve. Would they be spending it at the cabin, counting down the clock while playing Battleship? Or would this be their first and last holiday together? The new year did seem very dark and uncertain, but Harry wasn't afraid. He had Severus and Remus to help him through the darkness, even if they might end up apart.
Despite being lost in his thoughts, Harry managed to catch the look Severus gave Remus, as if he understood exactly what Remus meant by his wish, the deeper and heartbreaking meaning behind it.
Severus solemnly clinked his mug of hot butterbeer against Remus', showing his agreement. Harry followed along after him.
"You're right, Remus. Let's appreciate every moment together as if it were our last. Next New Year's Eve, I don't want to be anywhere else but here, with you my darling wolf." Severus leaned across the ottoman and pulled Remus into a quick kiss on the lips. Harry rolled his eyes at their lovesick moony expressions. Once they pulled apart, Severus looked at Harry and smirked at his disgusted expression. He pulled Harry against his side with one arm, planting a fatherly kiss on Harry's cheek.
"Ugh, dad!" Harry pulled away from Severus with feigned disgust, wiping his dad's sloppy kiss off his cheek. Remus was almost falling off his armchair, laughing. "I'm too old for that!"
"And my son," Severus said with an amused chuckle. "Who will never be too old to be my kid and receive kisses from his father."
Remus finally stopped laughing, pulling himself together and wiping away his tears of mirth. Harry scowled at him with annoyance. "But that is hardly a wish, Severus," Remus finally managed to gasp out.
Severus frowned. "It counts."
Harry and Remus both gave him pointed looks.
"Okay, fine. I wish…" Severus sighed, the laughter in his eyes dying out a bit. "I hope for Draco to find his way back to us. I want him here with us, he should be here."
And with that, Harry offered his dad another hug to comfort him. A real hug this time. Severus hugged Harry back tight before letting go. "At least I have you, kid," he said. Remus reached out and intertwined his fingers with Severus'. "I'm okay," Severus said to him.
Severus had made sure to check on Draco twice before the night of New Year's Eve. Harry had wondered why Severus still bothered. When Severus had returned from both visits, he'd told Harry that Draco would hardly speak to him. And now hearing Severus say his wish, seeing the worry and hurt in his eyes for his godson, Harry could see that Severus was never going to give up on him. And Harry realized how foolish he'd been before, not trusting Severus to watch out for Draco. Draco had the best godfather watching his back.
Anger at Draco for not appreciating Severus' efforts in trying to help him, rose up in Harry. Then the anger turned into frustration, then into guilt that pooled heavily into Harry's stomach, because he had made a vow to himself and to Draco that he was going to find a way to get him out of his deadly situation, but Harry had given up after the night he and Draco shared a kiss for the first time. It just left Harry so confused, that he found that he needed space and time away from Draco as well. Harry wasn't ready to figure out the meaning behind their shared kiss, especially when Draco had made it quite clear that he wanted Harry to stay away from him until the war was over. But then Draco asked to kiss him again, and Harry agreed and had no idea what it meant. He had no idea why Draco asked him if he could kiss him again, then wanted him to leave. And so during the holidays, Harry was content in just letting Draco be.
"What's your wish, Harry," Remus asked, pulling Harry out of his thoughts.
"I wish… I wish…" Harry didn't know what to wish for. At the moment, he had what he wanted most. He was no longer locked in a cupboard, unwanted, forgotten… Harry had parents now. Something that used to be so foreign to him, a dream so out of his reach… Parents who loved him and would always fight for him. Parents who wished for more days like this with him, who wished for Draco's return, a missing member to their little family.
Harry grinned at his dads. "It's not as sappy as your's. I wish Ron and Hermione could just bloody kiss already. If I have to spend another year with them fighting, I'm going to go mad."
Severus rolled his eyes at the mention of Harry's best friends.
"Heavens, that would bring everyone at Hogwarts some peace and quiet if that came true," Remus chuckled.
"Let's toast to some peace and quiet after this bloody war," Severus said.
They all clinked their mugs once more and sipped their hot butterbeer.
"I have an idea," Remus suddenly said. He stood up from where they were sitting, the corner in the living room with the bookshelves and board games. Their game of Battleship on the round ottoman, long forgotten.
Harry and Severus watched Remus point his wand to one of the wooden bookcases, and on the side of it he carved his and Harry's wishes with their initials. Severus and Harry stood up, expecting the newly added feature carved into the wood. Severus gave Remus a quizzical look and added his own wish as well.
"Remus?" Harry could only say with surprise.
"Next New Year's Eve, no matter what happens, no matter where the war has landed us, together or apart, we'll carve out our next wishes here. Just to show each other that no matter what happens, we're still a family. A werewolf, an ex-Death Eater/spy and the Boy-Who-Lived… Or should I say, the Chosen One, Harry?" Remus grinned with mischief.
"Hey!" Harry grumbled at that, but he found that he couldn't stay too annoyed at Remus' teasing. He admired the carvings again, then looked back at Remus. "This is the most brilliant idea you've ever had, da… Remus!" Remus raised an eyebrow at his slip. Severus whipped his attention to Harry, but not saying a word. Severus then drew his attention back to the carvings on the shelf. "Um, I love it," Harry finished awkwardly, feeling the blush creeping up to his cheeks and the back of his neck.
Remus smiled, "Thanks, cub." But his eyes were on Severus now as he said it, and they became soft and sad.
Harry turned his attention to his dad, who had remained quiet throughout his and Remus' exchange. Severus was looking at the carved wishes, running a hand over the deep etchings in the wood. His dark eyes glistened in the dim lighting of the living room and Harry wanted to ask why, but he didn't. He didn't want to know the answer to that question. Harry wanted to stay in blissful ignorance and believe that next year, they would all be here together, carving their new wishes into the bookshelf.
.
.
During the rest of the days leading up to the spring term at Hogwarts, Harry had begun to notice a change with Remus. He had grown quieter, he didn't really joke around with Harry and Severus as much as he used to. He'd stopped laughing, he barely smiled. He always seemed to be lost in his own head. Harry often wondered what Remus was thinking about to cause such a drastic change in behavior. He even tried asking a couple of times, but Remus always insisted that he was fine or that he just had a headache. And he would always find Remus taking naps during long hours of the day, until Severus would return home and wake him so he could eat something. Remus would always look so exhausted, the dark circles under his eyes had become a permanent feature on his pale face.
Every night, Harry would wake up to see the orange glow of the living room fireplace seeping in through the crack underneath his bedroom door, telling Harry that Remus wasn't sleeping. That had to explain the daytime naps and the exhaustion. Harry had grown very worried for Remus. Why couldn't he sleep at night? Was it nightmares? Harry figured the incident with Greyback and Rowan had affected Remus more greatly than he had let on. Harry was certain of it, what else could be the cause of all this? Sometimes, Harry could hear Remus retching through the thin walls of the bathroom and Severus' muffled voice. At least it seemed as if Severus knew what was going on with Remus.
It was now the last day of the winter holiday. Most of Harry's things were dumped carelessly on his bed, unpacked and not at all ready for the journey back to Hogwarts tomorrow. Harry was going to get dropped off at the Burrow first thing tomorrow morning so he could take the train with his friends. If anyone outside his friends group asked Harry where he'd spent the holidays, it was with the Weasleys. The Burrow had finally been rebuilt with help from the Order, and the Weasleys were able to move back in on New Year's day.
The cabin was quiet at the moment and as much as Harry knew he was going to miss his new home, his new bedroom, and all the free time spent with Severus and Remus, he couldn't wait to get back to school. He missed his friends. He hadn't seen them since Christmas, and Hermione not since the beginning of the winter holidays. Also, Ron had written to Harry in his last letter that Ginny and Dean broke up, complaining that Ginny has been a nightmare ever since. It gave Harry a bit of hope, rekindling his smothered feelings for her. Maybe now with Dean Thomas out of the way, Harry finally had a chance again.
Severus had left for his usual hours spent in his lab each day. Remus was most likely taking a nap somewhere, he had disappeared after lunch, telling Harry to make sure he had everything ready for tomorrow and for his homework to be completed. That's what Harry was currently doing, working on the last of his holiday homework. It was his Potions essay. Severus wanted to look over it when he returned home later that evening.
The joys of living with two professors, Harry thought with a sigh.
The Half-Blood Prince's book sat beside his textbooks, using it as a reference for his essay. Harry had kept pausing in his work to flip through it, reading some of the tiny handwriting that would catch his attention and trying to figure out who this Prince person was and why the handwriting was just so achingly familiar, to the point that it nagged at the edges of Harry's memory. He was sure he'd seen it before, but where?
Harry put down the book and made himself refocus on his essay. And when he was finally done with it, Harry leaned back in his chair. His eyes on the Prince's book again. He suddenly had the bright idea to try finding the Prince in one of the books in Lyall Lupin's study. Inside, there was a small library that Harry hadn't yet to research through, and with Severus out of the cabin and Remus possibly still asleep, now was a good time to do so without being interrupted or being asked any questions.
But unfortunately, Harry's plan was thwarted when he found Remus stirring from sleep on the worn threadbare sofa in Lyall's study. A blue book with a sewn-in wolf on its spine was draped over his chest, as if he'd fallen asleep from reading it. Remus squinted his eyes at Harry with a sleepy frown on his face, and when he realized who was standing at the doorway, Remus slowly sat up and gently closed the book, placing it on the side table. "Harry?" Remus muttered sleepily.
"Um…sorry, Remus, I didn't know you were in here," Harry replied awkwardly.
"No, it's okay, cub," Remus yawned. "I was just waking up."
Harry watched Remus stretch out his limbs, and he couldn't help but notice that Remus had lost a bit of weight. And he looked so exhausted, despite him just waking from a long nap.
"Remus?" Harry asked with hesitation and concern.
"Yes, cub?" Remus replied, his hazel eyes on Harry.
Harry noticed that they were a bit haunted, as if the nap he'd taken had been filled with nightmares.
"I know something is going on with you, and if you feel like you can't tell me what's going on, you're at least talking to Severus about it, right?"
Remus' eyes filled with alarm at what Harry said, then they grew sad. "I didn't mean to worry you… Harry, I apologize… I don't mean for you to see me like this…like…" Remus ran a hand through his gray-flecked hair, smoothing out his bedhead.
"You look like you're falling apart," Harry said truthfully. "Is this because of what happened on Christmas?"
Remus only nodded, his hand traveling to his neck, fixing the Slytherin scarf he had taken to wearing to hide his bandaged bite wound.
During lunch yesterday, it was just Harry and Remus. Remus was practically falling asleep over his plate. Harry, who had been silently watching Remus as he ate his lunch, asked about it. His question brought Remus back to alertness and he'd said it was almost closed up, leaving a hideous scar in its place. Harry told him that he didn't need to hide it. It earned him a small and rare smile from Remus, who said that he still wanted to. Harry then apologized for asking and Remus said that he didn't mind it when Harry asked questions. That made Harry feel so warm inside and he wanted to hug Remus tight, because questions have always been forbidden for him at Privet Drive. But before he could do it, Remus threw a piece of bread at Harry, resulting in an epic food fight, that they both swore to each other as they cleaned up their mess that Severus would never find out about it.
"It seems like you're having a hard time coping after seeing Greyback again and with what Rowan did to you… And you never really did tell me exactly what happened to you in that cellar," Harry continued, fishing for some answers.
Remus frowned at Harry's words, thinking a bit before saying, "And it's something I can't share with you just yet. Forgive me, Harry, I don't mean to keep things from you… It's just difficult to talk about."
Harry understood the feeling all too well, of not just wanting to open up, but physically not being able to talk about things that had happened to him, terrible things… Harry could barely talk about his most painful memories from growing up at Privet Drive without it resulting in an embarrassing panic attack. "It's okay, you don't have to say anymore. I understand," Harry said.
And with Harry's understanding, Remus gave him a look of pure relief. It made Harry feel bad for prying, so he let the subject drop, and he wasn't at all angry for being left out. Harry was just sad and worried, and he hoped that whatever it was, Severus was helping Remus through it.
Remus must've seen the concern on Harry's face. He sighed and beckoned Harry over to him. "I really am okay, and I apologize for worrying you," Remus said once Harry was settled next to him on the sofa. "I've just been doing some intensive research."
"Is that why you haven't been sleeping at night?" Harry asked, looking up at Remus.
Remus met his gaze and nodded.
"Why don't you do it during the day so that you're not left feeling so exhausted?"
What Harry really wanted to ask was what kind of research Remus was doing that was making him so sick at night. But he was trying to respect Remus' wish of not prying… It was bloody hard.
"I work better at night," was all Remus said, looking away.
He knew Remus wasn't telling the truth, which irritated him. Harry was fine with Remus refusing to talk about certain things. He understood that Remus needed space and privacy, it's what Harry always wanted when he was stuck in his own feelings, but to lie to him about it?
"Is it about werewolves and what Rowan did to you?"
Because what else could it be? This odd behavior of Remus' had started right after the attack on Christmas.
"Is that what you're researching?!" Harry snapped.
"Yes…" Remus said after a long pause, as if he weren't sure if he should be answering Harry's questions.
"But why? You're not planning on leaving again to spy on them, are you?"
"Not right now. I have to get you and your classmates through the spring term."
Harry knew that wasn't a straight answer. Remus had said Not right now… That wasn't a yes, but not exactly a no either. Harry studied Remus' face as he answered him. His hazel-green eyes were so tired and full of hesitation. It was clear he was uncomfortable with answering Harry's questions, yet he was still somewhat answering them. Standing by what he'd told Harry about it being okay to always ask him whatever questions he wanted.
"But it's on your mind, a possibility once the term ends. Is that why you were being so melancholy on New Year's Eve?"
"I haven't made any decisions regarding the future!" Remus snapped.
It was unlike Remus to lose patience so quickly like that. Harry flinched from it, then he quickly recollected himself.
"You promised you wouldn't take any more dangerous missions like that!" Harry snapped back. He had taken Remus' impatience as confirmation to there being a possible mission and that Remus was seriously considering it. And all of his feelings of understanding had evaporated out of him. He was bloody prying!
Remus had whipped his attention back on Harry, sighing with exasperation, "Harry, it's not that I want to…"
"Then don't!" Harry shouted. "But if you must, can't you just tell me about it? That way I know why you're considering breaking your promise again to me. You said you would always be around, but how can you be if you get yourself killed for another stupid mission?!"
"I don't mean to keep things from you, Harry. I wish I could tell you. You're right, it would help you to understand everything better, but I just can't. I apologize for this, cub, I really do…"
"Why not?! I'm not a bloody little kid anymore, I'm going to be seventeen this year!"
But Remus just regretfully shook his head at him. "Harry…" he said, his voice pleading for him to understand his side of the argument, but how could Harry understand it if Remus wouldn't tell him what was going on? He was being left in the dark, as always!
Harry crossed his arms, looking away from Remus and snapped out with annoyance and frustration and just a bit of hurt, "You can't tell me, it's fine! I got it!"
"Hey, don't speak to me that way!" Remus scolded.
Harry flinched again, his arms still crossed against his chest and his eyes were now casted down on his lap. "I'm sorry," he muttered.
"Please, Harry, understand that I really wish I can tell you what's going on without there being any consequences. I know you're brave, resourceful and smart. You're almost an adult, but also still a teenager. And you and your friends have gotten each other out of some pretty sticky situations without the aid of any adults. I understand that you can take care of yourself, that you don't deserve to be kept in the dark. I understand the frustration of that, and I know that is what's making you upset. I really do regret keeping this from you, it's just too dangerous," Remus said.
Harry didn't respond, just continued sulking and feeling a bit triggered from Remus' uncharacteristically short temper.
"Harry, look at me," Remus pleaded.
And when Harry didn't respond, Remus gently grabbed his chin and forced Harry to look up at him, finding himself caught in sincere hazel eyes.
"I don't want you to be a part of this in any way. I can't deal with the horror of that. I'm not putting you in the crossfire between me and Greyback again, especially if I can help it this time."
Harry tore his chin out of Remus' grasp.
"And Dumbledore must've also told you to keep things quiet? This screams him all over," Harry said with resignation.
"He plays a part in my decision," Remus winced.
Harry huffed out with annoyance, "Of course he does."
And the pause after that was a bit tense, until Remus nudged Harry gently with his shoulder, who was perfectly content to stew in his feelings but with one small lopsided smile from Remus, Harry found himself almost forgiving him.
"Come on, cub. Let's not waste the day in argument," Remus insisted.
Harry rolled his eyes and looked away, only to receive another nudge from Remus, causing him to smile a bit.
And now torn between amusement and frustration, Harry sighed. He didn't want to argue with Remus as well, and it was the last day of the Christmas break. He side-eyed Remus, still feeling his worried hazel gaze on him. A small part of him still wanted to continue their argument, if only it would lead him to answers. But Remus already made it quite clear, he was adamant about keeping secrets for Harry's own safety, and Remus really did look exhausted and stressed out, like he was internally drowning, falling apart, and Harry didn't have the heart to add any more to his mysterious troubles.
Fine, I won't fucking pry anymore! Harry thought to himself instead of saying it aloud, only because he didn't want to get scolded again, this time for language. It wasn't Harry's fault he'd picked up some of Severus' colorful vocabulary.
"Come on, Harry!"
Harry still didn't say anything. He wanted to sulk a bit longer.
Suddenly, Remus threw an arm around Harry and began to sing off-key…
"Hey Jude, don't be afraid
Take a sad song and make it it better
Remember to let her into your heart!"
Harry groaned, "Remus!"
"And any time you feel the pain!
Hey, Jude! Refrain!
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders!
Na na na na na na na na!
Hey, Jude!"
"You sound drunk!" Harry laughed. "You're not even singing it right!"
"Ah! But I've got you laughing again!" Remus said back between his own fits of laughter. "That means my plan on cheering you up has worked and we aren't arguing anymore. I say, mischief managed!"
Harry pushed Remus away. "You're so annoying!" he said, causing Remus to laugh even harder. And Harry couldn't help but fall into laughter with him, it was a relief to hear Remus laugh again.
And once they had finally both calmed down, catching their breaths, Remus asked Harry, "What brings you to the study? You hardly come in here."
"Do you know anything about princes in the wizarding world?" Harry asked. If he couldn't get answers about Remus' mysterious mission and the cause of his strange behavior, then maybe he could get some answers for a different problem.
"Like in the muggle world?" Remus asked, furrowing his eyebrows at Harry's strange and sudden question. "The king and queen of England?"
"Yeah, sort of like that."
"No, it's always been the Ministry. We've never had any royal family ruling over us. The Malfoys are the closest we have to that, pure-blooded royalty they think they are," Remus said with disgust. "Why do you ask, cub?"
Harry shrugged and said nonchalantly, "No reason, really… I just came across a name in a book I was reading for homework."
It isn't really a lie… Harry guiltily told himself. He was reading the Potions book for his homework, sort of….
"Is there any ancient family called Prince?"
Remus thought about it for a moment, looking through his memory for any mention of a Prince bloodline. "Not that I'm aware of for this generation at least."
"Oh, it's okay. That's why I came here, to see if I could find the name in any of these books," Harry said, nodding at the few shelves containing Lyall Lupin's small collection.
"Hmmm…" Remus looked at Harry with curiosity. "Should I be asking why this mysterious name is suddenly so important to you?"
Harry shrugged and said slyly, "You have your secrets and I have mine."
Remus chuckled at that. "Fair enough," he said. "Would you mind if I help you look through the books? I promise I won't ask any more questions about it."
"That would be great, Remus," Harry smiled.
They spent the rest of the afternoon searching for the name, until the afternoon turned into evening and the words in the books began to swim on their pages. They didn't find anything. No mention of a family that goes by the name of Prince. Harry didn't know why this was so important to him, and he was glad that Remus didn't ask any more questions about it as promised, because he wouldn't even know how to answer them. Harry was just so curious to find out who the owner was of his old and battered Potions book. The Half-Blood Prince was clearly brilliant back in his time, so brilliant that he was able to improve potions and create his own spells. The Prince was more than just brilliant, he was a genius.
Once they'd agreed to give up on their fruitless search, Harry and Remus decided to get dinner started without Severus. After that, with still no sign of Severus, they cleaned up the kitchen and resumed their waiting in the living room. Severus had promised he'd be back in time for dinner. He was always back by then, and as another hour passed, Harry was trying not to let himself think about Severus possibly getting called by Voldemort again, but he was failing.
Remus must have noticed his anxious behavior, because he suddenly insisted on building a fort with all of the living room pillows and couch cushions. Remus didn't even give Harry the choice, he just threw a large cushion at him and told him to get to work. Harry looked down at his arms and saw that they were a bit red, and he realized that Remus was just trying to distract him from his worry and anxiety for Severus' tardiness, and Harry welcomed the distraction. Building a fort seemed way more fun than waiting and scratching, besides it was still very possible that Severus had just gotten caught up in his work.
Together they moved the coffee table to the side to make an open space. Remus used a charm for the sheets, creating a tent-like structure over the sofas to keep it from falling apart. Harry was in charge of making the inside as comfortable as possible, using the large couch cushions and any pillows and blankets he could find. Remus found a string of Christmas lights that were accidentally left out when they had packed away all of the Christmas decorations the day after New Year's Day. He hung them up inside, giving the fort a warm and twinkling cozy vibe. It reminded Harry of himself and Remus laying under the Christmas tree.
.
.
Harry was now in his pajamas, sitting in the fort with his back leaning against a huge couch cushion, scribbling random doodles in his sketchbook. Harry was trying to get as much practice in before the evening ended, also it was helping him to not worry for Severus. Harry had decided to leave all of his art stuff at the cabin. To keep it all safe, just in case… He also didn't want to risk the other Gryffindor boys seeing his artwork. His cheeks warmed a bit at the thought.
Remus was sitting near the entrance of the fort, cross-legged and facing the fireplace as he strummed his guitar, pausing every now and then to jot something down in his battered muggle notebook that was balanced on his knee. The glow of the flames made his light-brown hair look golden.
They hadn't really spoken much, so absorbed in their activities, except for the few times of Remus reassuring Harry that Severus was just late and should be coming home any moment, and to tease each other or argue if using magic to build a fort was cheating or not. It ended when Remus asked Harry if he wanted the fort to fall apart on top of them.
He wasn't sure if it was because of the warmth and comfort of the fort or because of the soft melody Remus was playing, but Harry started to feel his eyes growing a bit heavy. He closed them for a bit, leaning his head back against the cushion and sinking down a bit, but as soon as he felt himself drifting off, Bellatrix's laughter rang in his ears.
Harry snapped his eyes open and looked over at Remus, who was writing something down. His guitar was now placed on the floor in front of him.
Watching his second dad, Harry was surprised to find himself suddenly wanting to talk to him. They hadn't really fully talked about what happened on Christmas, just once during breakfast the morning after it happened, but it had been difficult for Harry to open up. He hadn't been ready, but now… Now was his last chance to have a moment with Remus alone, a last chance to talk to him without Hogwarts getting in the way. Harry wondered if there was a small chance of Remus possibly being upset with him still, even though he insisted that everything was okay between them… But a bit of time has passed… And Harry knew, no…he could feel that the brick wall that used to seperate him and Remus was now nothing but a pile of rubble and there was nothing really stopping him anymore from opening up to Remus, except Harry, himself. He just had to find the courage now.
Harry closed his sketchpad, placing all of his stuff to the side.
"Remus?" Harry asked, his voice full of hesitation and a bit shy even. "Can I tell you something?"
Remus immediately looked up and turned his head towards Harry, putting down his pen. "Of course you can, cub. You can talk to me about anything, just like what I've told you about asking questions. You know that, don't you?"
Harry nodded, his eyes blurring a bit with tears. He didn't know why those words suddenly made him feel so touched. Perhaps he was still getting used to having someone as close to a father telling him it was okay to talk to them, that it was okay to ask as many questions as he liked without getting screamed at for it. It was the fact that Harry was feeling worthy enough to be heard. Remus and Severus always made him feel like that, no matter what, no matter his and Remus' big row or the small spat they had earlier that day.
Remus must've seen Harry's eyes watering, because he suddenly stopped his writing, dropping everything besides his guitar and immediately scooting over to Harry who was trying very hard to keep his composure, but he was failing miserably.
"Hey… Hey… Hey!" Remus placed an arm around Harry, pulling him against his side. "No, don't cry… Oh, come here, cub," he said comfortingly, his eyes on Harry, filled with concern.
In the fort, Remus' eyes were so dark, that Harry could barely spot any green. And he tensed a bit at Remus' touch, but he immediately relaxed himself, knowing it was just Remus. If Remus had noticed it, he didn't react, and Harry was grateful for that.
Harry took off his glasses and wiped his eyes, before putting them back on.
"Before…before…" Harry stammered, feeling the difficulty of talking about how the Dusleys mistreated him full-force. Harry realized he hadn't really opened up like this to Remus before, voluntarily choosing to talk to him without Remus having to coax it out of him.
"It's okay, take your time," Remus assured him.
Harry looked up at Remus. "I tell you something and you tell me something."
Remus tilted his head a bit for an explanation.
"That's what Severus and I do when he wants me to open up and talk to him."
"And you like doing that?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded. "It helps. He had a rotten childhood like me. That was how it started, the whole talking thing. It was how he was able to get me out of my wall. Severus connecting with me like that, it reminds me that he understands what I went through. He's felt the same childhood pain and fear towards a parent who was supposed to love him."
"That sounds like a brilliant idea," Remus said softly, yet his voice was full of sadness to what Harry had told him. "Do you want to go first or should I?"
Harry took a deep breath. "I always go first, just in case I end up changing my mind."
"And it's okay if you do. I'm here for you either way."
And as an answer to that, Harry snuggled closer to Remus, enjoying the feelings of warmth and safety, just like with Severus… But Remus' scent was different. It wasn't the herbs from Severus' potions or of coffee or the scent of freshly laundered robes and the shampoo he uses. It was chocolate and books and the softness of wool sweaters, the cackling fireplace. It was the scent of home, of the cabin in the woods. It was Remus. It was his second dad.
And realizing all of that, taking it all in, Harry suddenly found it a bit easier to talk.
"Before Severus picked me up from Privet Drive, I was in a very dark place, just like you. I kept having nightmares of Bellatrix killing Sirius and of you holding me back, telling me he was gone…and of her laughter… I would wake up every time with it in my head. I was reliving Sirius' death every single night and I was alone and sick from missing Sirius so much. I couldn't eat and my cutting grew worse. It was so out of control, and I thought I had control… I thought cutting gave me control, but it didn't, it just consumed me."
"Oh, Harry…" Remus said so softly.
Harry looked up, catching Remus' gaze, holding eye contact. "I wanted to die, Remus," he said so softly, but he knew Remus heard him, because he held Harry tighter to his side. "The first time I had that thought wasn't when I tried jumping off that waterfall. It was before Severus picked me up. And I've been wanting to tell you this, especially because you went through the same thing, and I knew you would understand, but I was scared and I couldn't. I just felt so far away from you."
"I'm right here, cub. I'll always be right here, go on now, I'm listening."
Harry took a deep breath and continued, "My uncle was strangling me because of a list of chores he'd given me. It had to be finished before he arrived back home from work that day, but it was too much, it was impossible. I couldn't finish it and he'd punished me. As always, I tried fighting him off me, but I was tired and feeling so low of myself, that I stopped. I let him choke the life right out of me. I thought about dying, and I figured it would just be so easy to go this way. It would just be better for everyone if I didn't exist anymore.
Then my uncle realized what I was doing. He'd instantly dropped me and he left me there on the floor, gasping for air. I just laid there, hoping someone would come and help me, to just show an ounce of care for me, but they never came and I was alone there… I've never felt so alone like that before…truly alone… My uncle…he knew… He knew I tried to die and he just left. He didn't care."
Harry stopped his story, his body had started shaking against Remus, and he tried to take a deep breath, but he found that he couldn't. Harry tried not to panic, but he could feel it creeping up…the beginnings of a panic attack… No, not right now! Harry inwardly pleaded with himself.
And Remus knew what was going on. "It's alright, cub, hold on, maybe this might help…" He shifted Harry so that the side of his face was pressed against Remus' chest. Harry could hear Remus' beating heart, feel it thumping steadily against him and it began to calm him. A beating heart, the scents of home. The safety and comfort Remus was giving him. It was love and happiness and family, everything Harry had craved for during his entire childhood, and the fact that now he could have that with two people, two dads. How did he get so lucky?
"I remember you telling me a bit of this once, of you being on the floor and feeling alone. This was when you had started feeling angry towards me, wasn't it?" Remus said, his voice causing vibrations in his chest.
"Yeah," Harry gasped out.
"Breathe with me, cub," Remus said.
They inhaled and exhaled together, until Harry was able to take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He sighed with relief after that, feeling much better, much calmer that he could continue, but Harry didn't move, preferring to stay where he was, listening to Remus' soft comforting words along with his beating heart.
"I'm so sorry you had felt so alone, Harry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. And those muggles, they don't matter anymore. They are truly horrible beings that don't deserve to have you as a son. You have me and Severus now. We care for you, we love you, and that is all that matters. You are no longer alone."
Harry felt his eyes sting a bit at that, but he held himself together. "When I saw Bellatrix that night, those nightmares and those feelings of wanting to die and feeling so alone, it all came rushing back and it turned into anger. I wanted Bellatrix dead, I needed her dead, because she was the one who made me feel all of that, and it scared me. I just ran after her without any thought but those feelings. And even though you said there was no way I could ever perform the killing curse, I couldn't believe it. I felt like I hated her so much that night, that I could've done it. That was why I was so angry and defensive with you. You couldn't understand the magnitude of my emotions and why, but it wasn't your fault. You didn't know. And I couldn't tell you any of it, but I wanted to and it made me mad that I couldn't… And I'm so sorry for scaring you so badly that night, for making you so angry and those terrible words I said to you…"
"Take a deep breath, Harry," Remus whispered, rubbing steady circles on his back.
Harry hadn't realized he was gasping for air again, and so he listened to his dad, taking deep breaths with him, until Harry was finally ready to finish what he was trying to say.
"I was scared that I wanted Bellatrix dead that much, and I didn't know what to do about it. I felt like a monster, a person without a soul, because how does wanting someone dead that much make me a good person? To want someone to hurt so bad, to want their life to be gone… How does that make me good? Sometimes, I don't see what you and Severus see in me. I don't see a good person destined to save the wizarding world. When I look in the mirror, I just see the freak I was raised to believe I was. Maybe that's all I really am and you and Severus just feel bad for me…"
"No…no, Harry, stop that. Be kinder to yourself. Severus and I certainly don't pity you like that. We love you, you're our kid and certainly not a freak. I know how much you struggle with that. Those negative thoughts you are having are the voices your aunt and uncle had put into your head, believe me I know what that is like. For me, it is my father's voice, always telling me to control the wolf inside me. It's Greyback's voice telling me I am a monster and not human. When that happens, think about me and Severus and how much we love you."
Remus wrapped his arms around Harry when he couldn't respond, holding him tight, whispering to him, "You are good, Harry, you're good… Even if you felt all of that towards Bellatrix, don't forget that she'd wronged you in the worst possible way. She's taken the most important person in your life. She's taken everything from you and she keeps taking from you. She is the reason why you were at your lowest that summer, and it's normal that you feel all of that anger towards her. It's okay… It doesn't make you a bad person."
And all Harry could do was choke out with tears, "Dad…"
"It's okay, Harry… It's okay…" Remus kept whispering to him over and over.
Once Harry was finally done with crying, he pulled away from Remus and sat up, wiping his face with a handkerchief Remus summoned over for him.
"I'm sorry for being so mental and crying all over you," Harry said.
"Don't you ever apologize for that, Harry," Remus said, pulling himself up into a sitting position.
"Okay, thanks for listening to me."
"That's what fathers are for," Remus said with a soft and happy smile. He reached over and touched Harry's cheek, wiping away the rest of the tears.
And Harry felt himself warm a bit at those words. "You don't mind if I call you dad?"
"Never… In fact, I've noticed your slip-ups and I've been waiting for you to finally call me dad without being so shy about it."
Harry smiled at that, noticing how happy Remus looked at the thought of Harry calling him dad.
"Maybe I should call you pops or papa instead. Addressing both you and Severus dad might get confusing."
"Whatever you want, Harry," Remus happily agreed.
"It's your turn now," Harry said.
And the happiness in Remus' hazel eyes turned into a deep sadness. Harry watched him take a deep breath before pulling off his wool sweater, then lifted up his t-shirt just enough so Harry could see Remus' chest. At first, Harry couldn't understand what Remus was trying to show him, what Harry should be looking at, then he finally saw it. Harry felt his breath hitch with his shock and horror. There was a huge scar just right over Remus' heart. And it wasn't just any normal scar, Harry realized. It looked like a burn scar made by a hot rod. Was Remus branded? Harry read the label… Werewolf: Classified Dark Creature. Someone had burned that label into his skin! Harry felt sick.
"Remus!" Harry gasped. "Who…"
Remus flinched and said before Harry could finish his question, "Greyback did that to me. It was a hot silver rod. So I could never forget that I'm not a human, but a dark creature. Everything you said about wanting Bellatrix dead, to the point that you might be able to kill her, I've felt that with Greyback. Everything that you've said about feeling like a freak, I feel the same way about being a monster. Sometimes it amazes me that Severus loves me, that you want to call me your dad. It amazes me that I am worthy of that sort of love when I feel so wretched inside sometimes, just like what you struggle with, but we need to remember to give ourselves some credit, be kinder to ourselves and ignore those voices. All they wanted to do was hurt us, Harry, but all they've done was make us stronger. We need to fight them back, and that is by loving ourselves. We both have to remember that, okay?"
Harry could only nod to what Remus was saying. And Remus pulled his shirt back down, then put his sweater back on. Harry couldn't help but notice that Remus left the scarf off.
"You okay, Harry? I'm sorry if that was too much. You look a bit green."
"No, I'm glad you showed me that… I just have a question."
"Go for it, cub," Remus said.
"Did it hurt really bad? Are you okay?"
"Yes, it did hurt, but don't you worry, I'm okay now and believe me, I've had worse injuries. It's just living with it, that is the hard part."
Harry nodded and reached over, pressing his hand over Remus' heart, feeling the steady beat. "Maybe it can be easier to bear it if this can remind you of what you are not, instead of what Greyback wants you to believe you are. Use it to fight against his voice in your head."
Remus smiled and covered Harry's hand with his own, squeezing it. And through the gesture, Harry could feel how touched Remus felt at his suggestion. "I've never thought of looking at the label that way. That is a very smart idea, thank you, cub. I'll try and remember that."
"Especially the days before your changes and after."
"Will, do, Harry."
Harry moved his hand away. "I have another question."
"Go on," Remus chuckled with amusement.
"What were you writing in your notebook?"
Remus suddenly became shy and said, "A song…"
"Oh, can I see it? If you don't mind, that is?"
"Of course, do you want to help me write some of it?"
"Yeah!"
Remus laughed at Harry's excitement and summoned his notebook and pen to his outstretched hand, then leaned back against the couch cushion again. Harry made himself comfortable beside him as Remus flipped to the page he was working on. He showed it to Harry. There were a lot of scribbles and crossed-out sentences and phrases, and the writing was messy with added words and sentences crowding the margins, but Harry was still able to make out a set of lyrics.
"I'm going to sing them out to you. It's going to be choppy, okay?" Remus said to Harry.
Harry nodded.
"Another year you made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around
And do not save this for tomorrow
Embrace the past and you can live for now
And I will give the world to you…
Speak louder than the words before you
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
We are the voices of the underground
And I will give the world to you…"
Then Remus suddenly stopped. Harry was left gaping at him, his mouth hanging open and speechless.
"It's in the works," Remus said weakly.
"Remus! What do you mean choppy, that was already so brilliant!"
Remus shrugged the compliment away. "Well, I'm glad you think so because this song is for you."
The snow on the Hogwarts grounds glistened as the sun finished setting, the last of the sun's rays casting its weak light over the untouched snow, except for the large trodden footpaths created by Hagrid. There were three, one leading to the forest, one down to Hagrid's hut, and one leading to the gates of the castle and further out to the Apparition point.
Severus and Albus were currently walking on the path that led to the dark forest. The air was cold and crisp, biting Severus' cheek and nose. Severus had regretted not wearing his scarf today, but Remus had taken to wearing it around the cabin to hide his wound and Severus couldn't bring himself to take it away from him. Besides, Slytherin-green looked rather good on the werewolf, it brought the green out of Remus' hazel eyes. And thinking about those hazel-green eyes, Severus just wanted nothing more at the moment than to be home with him.
Severus had spent the whole day preparing potions for his spring curriculum, also taking care to restock Poppy's medicinal supply. His Animagus Potion, of course, was still on hiatus until the next electrical storm. And Draco, as always, was just a stubborn pain today. And so the afternoon had passed like any other day when Severus had visited Hogwarts for several hours, except today. On his way to floo back home through Remus' office, Severus had the misfortune to run into Albus in the Defense corridor, delaying his arrival to the cabin.
The conversation between Albus and Severus had started as friendly as it could be, since the last time they'd spoken days ago had turned into Severus kicking the headmaster out of the cabin. The polite exchange of words didn't last long, and their conversation had started to take a serious turn, so Severus decided to leave the castle through the Apparition point, to prevent any staff members from overhearing their conversation and plus he didn't want Albus following him through the floo network and into the cabin. Hopefully after a walk through the grounds, the headmaster would finish everything he wanted to say to Severus.
"You cannot be serious about sending Remus off on another mission that could only lead him to his death! Especially after what happened to him on the last one! Is the favor of werewolves on our side of the war really worth the risk on Remus' life?" Severus was arguing with Albus. The sounds of crunching snow under their feet. They reached the edge of the forest and Severus stopped in his tracks, he would walk no further.
The evening was quickly turning into night, Severus realized with impatience. Albus was keeping him far too long. He was sure Remus already had dinner waiting for him. He didn't want Remus to worry about Severus' late arrival, nor Harry, who always seemed to get triggered by Severus' long absences.
Albus took Severus' cue and stopped walking as well. "This is Greyback's pack we are dealing with, Severus," Albus responded much more calmly than the way Severus was speaking to him. "Think of the change Remus can do as their leader."
"You're forgetting that his leadership is compromised by Rowan. Remus won't fully have control with that mating bond between them," Severus growled.
The thought of that wretched beast daring to claim Remus for his own, like some object. The thought of Rowan touching Remus, thinking of him in that sick twisted way, made Severus seeth in anger. And for the millionth time, Severus had to suppress the urge to go find that werewolf and curse him into oblivion, to curse him until he wished he'd never dared to lay his filthy hands on Remus like that.
And to say that Remus was coping well after being assaulted with Rowan's mating bite, was a far, far cry. The days that followed after New Years, Remus started reading the ancient werewolf books at night.
That meant that every single night,Severus would wake to find a cold and empty bed. He would always find Remus in the living room. His eyes intensely reading each sentence with a mixture of concentration and disgust. His face was always so very pale from the lack of sleep, tinged with green, the shadows under his eyes so very dark.
Severus worried deeply for Remus, always insisting for him to come back to bed, but Remus always refused. He was so bloody stubborn, but Severus was stubborn as well and would always still insist on it, especially after Remus would get through the most ghastly chapters with the most horrific and disgusting passages and sketches, causing Remus to run to the bathroom to retch out the dinner he had hours before.
It was after one of those episodes when Remus was kneeling over the toilet, waiting for his nausea to pass. Severus was beside him, rubbing his back to soothe him when Remus explained why he couldn't give up on reading the books after Severus insisted on it again. He had to understand the way the pack ran, what he was a leader to now. What his soul was tied to… And Remus had said he couldn't read the books during the day. He couldn't stand for Harry to see him struggle through them. And after that, Severus couldn't fault him for his stubbornness, for his reasoning, because Severus would want to know too if he was the one in Remus' situation. And so after that conversation, Severus stopped insisting for Remus to give up on reading those horrid books.
And with no other choice in the matter, Severus sat with Remus every night, reading the books together, soothing Remus after each bout of sickness that happened at least once or twice. Severus also couldn't fault him for those episodes. There were times when Severus himself almost felt like he was going to be sick as well.
And all of that was starting to take its toll on Remus who would be so exhausted during the day, he could hardly keep his eyes open. He lost a bit of weight from constantly being sick, to the point that his clothes began to hang a bit from his small frame. Sometimes, Severus would catch Remus deep in thought, occasionally reaching up to touch his bandaged neck. The wound was nearly healed, leaving a fresh new scar in its place that would never go away. Remus was always making sure it was hidden. And it was in those quiet moments, that Severus knew Remus was considering Albus' words. His proposal on a new mission and whether Remus should take it or not.
It must be sickening for Remus to have to accept that his soul was now tied to being an alpha to such an evil werewolf pack, who's entire past was covered in bloodshed. Joining them, he would have to accept his place and it would go against everything Remus had fought his entire life for. Severus hated Albus for doing this to Remus, for not allowing him to forget about this whole thing and just let Greyback's pack be leaderless forever. To be the cause of Remus falling back in his dark place and Severus didn't know what to do for Remus, except to just be there for him. To read the books alongside him, to be there to hand him a glass of water and rub his back and soothe him with sweet nothings after each time Remus was sick over the toilet. To make sure Remus wasn't disturbed when he was found napping during the day. To make sure he was getting enough to eat. And that Remus knew that whatever he chose, Severus was going to be by his side, no matter what.
These were the hardships that Albus didn't see or even seemed to care about. He just saw Remus as another fucking soldier to sacrifice for the greater good.
"How the fuck do you expect Remus to be a leader to this savage pack? They are nothing but lowly creatures, monsters with not an ounce of goodness in them, with a leader who has this obsession with Remus. As soon as he walks into that pack, he's walking to his death! There is no fucking way that he would be able to change them so easily, not when they follow traditions that are so ingrained into them!"
Albus gave Severus a curious look. He'd been silently listening to Severus rant out his disapproval to him.
Severus caught the look, and snapped at him, "Yes! I've been reading those books you've given Remus! He was a fucking kid at the time and you gave those horrid books to him?! Has Remus always just been a soldier to you? Just merely a link to the werewolf packs rather than an actual person?"
"Severus, don't be so dramatic now. You know I've always held Remus in the highest regards. I gave him those books because I knew he deserved to know the most darkest side of what his kind could be. I knew he was strong enough to bear it. To learn from them, to…"
"To be prepared when you call him into your services!" Severus interrupted, and the look Albus shot at him, Severus knew he was right and the confirmation angered him even more. Remus almost died on the last mission and he couldn't believe Albus was considering making a new mission out of Remus' situation, to have him take the leadership, after everything that happened... It was dangerous… More dangerous than the first mission and there was no doubt that this time, they could lose Remus to it.
"You know this is going to change Remus. If he doesn't lose his life, he's going to lose his spirit, his very soul, and you're okay with that? He's barely able to get through those books, they make him physically sick! And still, you're okay with sacrificing Remus? You know he's one of the most formidable wizards we have in the Order. It is without a doubt that Remus is going to lose himself if he should take on this mission! He almost lost himself to the last one! Did you not forget how I had to risk my magical core to pull him out of his head!"
"Severus, do not doubt me when I say that the pack is certainly not going to kill Remus nor treat him as poorly as Greyback did to him at the camp. The traditions they follow run deep in their blood. As soon as Remus walks up to the pack, they must welcome him as their leader. They will be forced to accept him, to look at him in a new light and treat him with a newfound respect, even show a bit of fear towards him."
Severus snorted with disgust.
"Greyback is losing control of his pack," Albus continued. "They know he isn't their leader anymore. The rise of attacks from that pack since Remus had bested Greyback in their fight, the numbers had gone up. Despite the evilness of Greyback, he understands the importance of balance, he keeps them under control, but he's losing them. That is why he had Rowan give Remus the mating bite, to force him to join, to try and control his leadership through Rowan's influence..."
"No, you won't use Remus like that!" Severus shouted, cutting Albus off. "They can still hurt him. Plus, this whole affair, it sickens Remus. You don't understand what I'm telling you. I've been in his head! The idea of him being a leader to a pack like that, that scar he has on his chest! This will show the wizarding world that he is a monster. It's going to prove to himself that he is nothing more than a dark creature! This is going to break him. Doesn't that mean anything to you?!"
"Of course it does, Severus, of course it does."
The silence around them was eerie. Albus surveyed Severus with his icy-blue eyes. Severus glared at him, balling his shaking hands into fists.
"Then come with me right now to the cabin and tell him it was all just a misunderstanding! That he doesn't have to accept his place as leader, that the mission has been disbanded. Albus! Tell him he doesn't have to go through with it!" Severus all but demanded, his voice coming out in a desperate raged filled plea.
Albus shook his head somberly, "I cannot and it kills me to send Remus back out there, especially how the previous mission failed so disastrously, but we must all sacrifice… I'm sorry…"
Here we go….
Severus rolled his eyes, blocking out Albus' lecture on the importance of them sacrificing everything for the war to end in their favor, all for the greater good. It was an irritating lecture that Severus had received from Albus so many times by now, and what he hated most about it, was that Albus was right. The greater good was Harry's future. It was Draco's future. And the futures of all the students that had passed through his classroom over the past few years. It was all for them, to give them a fighting chance of survival and a life afterward.
If they didn't do this…well, it was a hopeless situation… How could Severus live with himself if he didn't fight for the greater good? But fighting for them, it was taking everything from Severus, everything… Piece by piece, until he was sure that one day there would be nothing left to sacrifice, he would have nothing left to give.
"Enough!" Severus snapped.
Albus stopped speaking, waiting patiently for Severus to say something else.
"I've heard this lecture from you so many times, I don't need to hear anymore of it. If you're not going to do the one thing that I ask, to free Remus of this stupid mission, then I'll rather be at home with him and Harry, enjoying what little time I have left with them rather than trudging through the snow and listening to you ramble on about the fucking greater good!"
"Should I remind you again and again that we're doing this for Harry and your godson, for our students. They are the greater good," Albus called out. "Don't forget that."
Severus had turned around, and stormed off, but Albus' words rang clearly and true across the clearing, causing Severus to turn back around and shout, "Stop manipulating me, you old fool!" He stomped back to Albus, seething in his anger. "And has it ever occurred to you that these sacrifices are breaking us! Is it all really worth it? One day, I won't have anything else left to give for this bloody war to end! And what if none of this works out as you planned, and we've all sacrificed for nothing? What if this great plan of yours doesn't work, Albus? What are we going to do after you're dead?!"
"Severus," Albus said, his voice full of warning.
Severus really didn't mean half of what he was saying. He trusted Albus to get them through the war, he trusted Albus' plan to work. The old coot was fucking brilliant in everything he did, but Severus couldn't help but voice his tiniest doubts that scared him from time to time. And it was simply because he was furious at Albus Dumbledore and he wanted to be difficult for it. Because yes the headmaster's plan was going to work, but there would be no saving Severus' family from it and Albus was okay with that, and that killed Severus every day.
"I know, you barmy old coot! How many times have we had this pointless conversation already? I've given my word to you, there's no need to threaten me!" Severus shouted, his voice shaking. "You're just asking so much more than I'm willing to give and you know that. You know, I've told you this! And once ago, I was willing to give it all and much more to you because I do know your plan will work. You are as brilliant as you are unhinged. I have that much faith in you, but sometimes…sometimes it's hard to hold on to that faith. And now that I have Remus and Harry… I'm feeling trapped by your cause. I want to tell you to let me go, that I cannot do it. That I would rather die, but what good would that do? That would only have them suffer even more… Remus and Harry… They are everything to me, Albus, everything!" Severus' shout echoed in the empty clearing around them. And there was not a stir. They were alone. "They are the everything I have to sacrifice for you and your fucking war! I won't ever let you forget that!"
"And I deeply apologize to you, Severus… To hear you say all of this and not be able to do anything to make it alright…"
"Are you really apologetic of the circumstances or are you just sorry I feel this way?"
"Severus…"
Severus turned away, not wanting to hear anymore of what Albus had to say, not wanting to argue anymore or be in his presence. Nothing he might say could even change anything anymore, so he walked back up the path that would lead him to the gates as fast as he could without having to run. Severus was going so fast, Hagrid was suddenly in front of him. Severus quickly stepped around him without a word, without looking back to see if Albus was still there watching his departure. Severus had only limited precious time before he would become Albus' murderer, before he would lose everything that was dear to him, and he didn't want to waste not one precious second in the old fool's company. Severus wanted to save every single minute, every single second, every moment he had left for only Remus and Harry.
.
.
When Severus arrived home, the cabin was quiet. All of the lights were off except for the fireplace in the living room, and was that the glow of colorful Christmas lights? Severus had thought they'd put all that stuff away. He stepped into the living room and found some sort of tent-looking thing made with couch cushions and blankets. The glow of the colorful lights were coming from inside of it.
"What in Merlin happened in here?" Severus asked to no one in particular under his breath.
He stepped quietly to the entrance, pulled off his outer robes and his shoes, then got onto his hands and knees and crawled inside to find Remus and Harry cuddled up together.
And seeing them there together, safe and waiting for him, Severus' heart warmed and then broke into a million pieces, knowing this endearing little family of his was going to one day be lost to him, just a painful memory that would tear his soul apart over and over every time he remembered them. And Severus hoped for his death to come as quickly as possible once Albus' plan was completed. He wouldn't be able to bear them looking at him with betrayal and hatred and pain. His soul wouldn't be able to bear that.
Remus looked up. He had been writing in his notebook, using the glow of the Christmas lights to see. Severus realized Harry was fast asleep beside him.
"Hi, Severus," Remus whispered with a tired smile. "I heard you coming in, but I was afraid if I called out to you, Harry would wake up."
"It's okay," Severus whispered, making sure his voice didn't shake. Pushing away the emotions going on inside him so that Remus wouldn't see them. He crawled over to Remus, finding a spot on his other side and laid down in the blankets and pillows. He pulled Remus to him, needing to hold him, to feel him in his arms. "I didn't mean to be so late. Were you worried?"
"A bit, I figured you just got caught up with work, especially that tomorrow is back to Hogwarts… Harry was getting anxious, so I had the bright idea to build this fort with him to distract him."
"Is that what this is?"
Remus leaned over and gently pulled Severus into a kiss. Severus returned it with a heartfelt longing, and when they ended the kiss, Remus settled himself back into Severus' arms.
"It's quaint here," Severus said.
"We've been in here for hours," Remus said.
Severus chuckled at that. "I'm glad you were here with him."
"I am too… Are you hungry? I can heat up some leftovers."
"No, let's just enjoy this." Severus pulled Remus closer to him, both of them facing Harry, watching their kid sleep.
"Harry opened up to me, Severus. He called me dad… He's been trying to call me dad for weeks. He finally did it."
Remus whispered everything that Severus had missed while he was gone, and content to just hear Remus' endearing ramble, Severus didn't interrupt.
"Now he has to decide whether to call me pops or papa. He said calling us both dad might get too confusing…"
"I can imagine," Severus muttered. "Papa, you sort of look like one…has a nice ring to it…"
Remus laughed and Severus could feel it vibrating in his chest. He locked the feeling of it away in his memory. To use it when he didn't have the privilege to be so near Remus again, so near that he could feel his laughter.
"He fell asleep while we were working on this." Remus reached for his notebook and gave it to Severus.
Severus took a moment to read the messy penmanship, then realizing Remus had finally taken off the scarf, Severus nuzzled his face into Remus' neck, placing a series of gentle kisses against his warm skin. "Sing it to me, wolf. I want to hear your voice," Severus whispered between kisses.
"It's not finished," Remus said, arching his neck a bit to give Severus better access.
"You can still sing it."
He felt Remus sigh against him, "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too, my darling."
Severus regretfully pulled his lips away from Remus' enticing skin to give him space to sing, and Remus' soft voice filled the fort…
"Another year you made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around
And do not save this for tomorrow
Embrace the past and you can live for now
And I will give the world to you…
Speak louder than the words before you
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
We are the voices of the underground
And I would give the world to you
Say everything you've always wanted
Be not afraid of who you really are
Cause in the end we have each other
And that's at least one thing worth living for
And I would give the world to you…"
"Harry helped me with the last part," Remus said once he finished.
"It's beautiful. It's for our kid, isn't it?" Severus whispered, still holding Remus close to him with Remus' back pressed up against his chest. Severus' eyes were closed, pressing gentle kisses onto Remus' shoulder, mentally going over the lyrics in his head, and he hoped… Severus hoped that in the end they would still have each other by some fucking miracle… Everything would go back to the way it was… But it was all so foolish of him to hope for it… And all Severus could do was pray…
I'm doing Albus' task for them. I would give the world to them… I would give them everything… Sacrifice everything… And if by the end of this war I somehow don't die, and I could somehow still have them… That's all I ask for in return… When it's all over, I want to be here in this fort with my darling wolf in my arms and Harry soundly asleep… I want the glow of these Christmas lights reflecting in Remus' hazel eyes. I want to be listening to him sing. I want to feel his laughter. I want to hear Harry snoring… I want my godson to be here… I want it all back….
Remus nodded. "Severus…"
"Yes," he whispered, laying his head on Remus' shoulder, feeling the heaviness of sleep fall upon him.
Remus threaded his fingers with Severus', lifting up a hand, kissing each knuckle, then turning it over and leaving a kiss in the center of his palm. Severus stored the feel of that kiss in his memory as well.
"I don't think I'm going to take the mission."
"What made you decide that?" The relief to hear those words….
"This moment, right here, with you, with our kid…" Remus whispered, his eyes on Harry who was gently snoring. "If I take the mission… It's going to hurt Harry, and if I die on it, I'll break my promise to him. I can't leave him alone like that again. And I'll not only leave him, I'll be leaving you… I also can't even get through those blasted books without being sick, I'm done with reading them. I don't want to have anything to do with that pack."
"Good…" Severus mumbled. "You belong here with us."
And Remus turned to face Severus, giving him the softest and sweetest of kisses and Severus fell asleep with the taste of him on his tongue.