Chapter Twenty-Nine - Albus Holds The Key To My Silence
"What's taking the Gryffindor Quidditch team so long?" Severus asked with impatience, looking down at the changing rooms where they should've been coming out right about now. It was the first words spoken since he and Remus had situated themselves in their seats on the highest bench of the faculty stands. The commentator for the match was Luna Lovegood who was spouting nonsense about the Hufflepuff team who'd taken off into the air minutes ago and were doing a few practice drills. Severus thought that Lovegood's commentary was a bit annoying and very off-topic, but she did cause Remus to laugh every few moments…and Severus was glad of that.
Remus didn't reply to Severus' question. It was tense between them, and Severus let out an annoyed sigh. Albus had finally returned to Hogwarts. He'd been gone for weeks, aside from the days he was luckily there when Weasley was poisoned, but all they talked about was the incident and before Severus knew it, Albus was gone again. Severus was still very much annoyed and pissed at him for just taking off like that when he knew Severus was coming back with very important information on Borgin and Draco that night. Severus thought they had limited time, Albus was making a big fucking stink about it and he just kept fucking disappearing.
Then what pissed off Severus even more, was that yesterday Albus had taken the information and dismissed Severus without even a bat of his eye. He didn't bother to share any thoughts of what Severus had discovered or revealed anything of how his missions were going, why he was gone so frequently and for weeks.
Albus' behavior left Severus in a mood so rotten, he knew he would be unpleasant to be around so he didn't even stop by Remus' quarters as promised that evening. He had wasted away the night sulking in his lab, ignoring Remus' calls, then he slept alone in his bed, hating himself for letting Albus get to him like that.
Severus found Remus in the Great Hall the next morning, sitting in his usual seat to his relief. Severus was expecting to find Remus sitting somewhere else instead, and he wouldn't have blamed Remus for that. Severus stood him up last night… Guilt pooled in his stomach along with the echoes of Remus calling him from the other side of the door… And readying himself with an apology…it all suddenly disappeared along with his relief when Severus realized Professor Vector was sitting in Severus' seat talking to Remus, causing him to stop in his tracks.
"What the fuck?" Severus muttered, he then forced himself to continue walking.
"How about it, Remus? You, me and Tonks today after the match?"
"I don't know," Remus said with uncertainty, sounding a bit bothered by Vector's presence.
They hadn't noticed Severus approaching them, nor noticed him standing behind Vector.
"Let us celebrate. It's on me, plus Tonks already knows about it. She's scheduled the afternoon off."
"Well in that case…"
Severus cleared his throat, causing an end to their conversation. Remus glanced up at Severus then turned away with a frown, choosing that moment to pick up his coffee and take a drink from it.
"Professor Snape, a very good morning to you," Vector greeted with a hesitant smile. "Nice day for a match, no? Who are you rooting for? Gryffindor or Hufflepuff?"
"Hufflepuff, of course… Now, is there a reason why you're in my seat, Septimus?"
Severus gave him his best glare, the corner of his lips cruelly twisting at Vector's given name.
Vector recoiled and suddenly stood up.
Remus slammed his cup down at the table with an exasperated sigh, Vector glanced at Remus. "Meet me at the gates an hour after the match? We can walk down together."
Remus nodded his confirmation, then Vector went back to his usual seat without sparing another glance at Severus.
Coward, Severus thought, shaking his head with annoyance and sitting down, pouring himself a cup of coffee and feeling those hazel-green eyes glaring at him.
Avoiding that gaze, Severus glanced at Albus' empty seat. He couldn't even be here for the Quidditch match! Severus scowled at that, knowing Albus left the castle again.
Severus hardly ate anything, just drank his coffee until Remus finally tore his gaze away from Severus. The silence between them became so great that Remus suddenly stood up and began to make his way to the Quidditch field with everyone else, without a single word. Severus sighed and followed slowly after him, wondering if he would be welcomed to sit by him still.
And he was, but Remus still avoided his gaze, keeping his eyes stubbornly on the skies.
Severus was so stuck in his rotten mood and the tension between him and Remus that he ignored Minerva's jibes about Gryffindor being very close to winning the cup if they won this match.
"Wait, is that Harry?" Remus suddenly pointed out to a small figure running at full speed towards the changing rooms and then disappearing inside of it.
Severus glanced at Remus, surprised at him finally speaking, then back to the changing rooms. "Why is he so late?"
Those eyes were on him again, searching, waiting, angry, frustrated… All of that was in Remus' voice, "Okay, enough of this… Spill it, Severus, what happened to you last night?"
Severus scowled, "Do we have to talk about it now?"
"Severus, I was waiting for you last night!" Remus snapped. "Then you arrive at breakfast in the foulest of moods, you were rude to Vector, without even an apology or an explanation… Are you upset with me? Was it something I did? I was knocking at your door!"
"No, Remus, I'm not mad at you," Severus irritably said.
"Then what's with the mood?"
Severus only sighed and shook his head with a frown, turning his attention back out to the sky. The Gryffindor team had finally arrived, taking off into the air with Lovegood announcing their names. The cheers of the crowd heightened after the long awaited start of the game. Remus cheered along with them as Harry zoomed up into the sky with Ginny beside him, and Severus was grateful for the brief distraction.
The game started and Lovegood was commentating on how quickly Ginny had taken the quaffle from a Hufflepuff Chaser, Smith, and continued on about how a nice friend Ginny Weasley was to her.
Severus rolled his eyes at the girl's aloofness as she then tried remembering one of the Hufflepuff Chaser's names. And even though Severus' eyes were towards the sky, following Harry circling around the arena in search of the snitch and keeping an eye on his team at the same time, Severus could feel Remus' gaze on him.
"If not me, then it's Dumbledore you're upset with, isn't it? You visited him last night."
"It's Cadweller!" Minerva suddenly shouted from a few rows down, taking Remus' attention away again.
Severus took the interruption as an excuse to not say anything to Remus in return. Remus didn't either. The game soon took off, becoming so serious that it required their full attention, yet the beginnings of an argument was hanging in the air between them. Remus wanted answers that Severus could never give him, and this time Severus knew Remus wasn't going to be patient over his silence any longer. It was just as Severus feared would happen eventually, and he could hardly focus on the game anymore.
It was just as well, Gryffindor was doing poorly. They had started off strong, yet their Keeper was the result of Hufflepuff gaining a few scores ahead.
"Bloody McLaggen!" Remus bellowed. "Stay by your post!"
"And now Harry Potter is arguing with his Keeper…"
Harry was indeed arguing with his Keeper, who'd been yelling at Ginny and accidentally letting the quaffle soar past him and in through the hoop. Severus saw Remus wince at the language Harry used at McLaggen before taking off in search of the snitch again.
"I'm not sure if that would help him find the snitch… It could be a clever ruse…" Lovegood's voice rang out.
Severus tried not to appear bothered by Remus, who then continued on chuckling at Lovegood's commentary on Harry. If they weren't stuck in this weird beginning of an argument, he was sure Remus would've teased Severus, blaming him for their kid's horrible mouth.
Remus caught Severus staring at him, then turned away with a frown.
"You're really just going to sulk? Not even blame me for Harry's foul language?!" Severus meanly snapped out before he could stop himself, his frustration and annoyance was quickly turning into anger.
Remus whipped his attention back to Severus, his hazel-green eyes glaring. "I've been trying to talk to you, but you're hardly answering me! You're the one sulking and in a fucking mood and you won't tell me why! I'm the one who has every right to be upset after what you pulled yesterday. I had half a mind to not let you sit next to me, but I did, so Harry could see us here together, as I promised him last night!"
"And that's a score for Ginny Weasley!" Lovegood announced, followed by loud cheers coming from the Gryffindor stands. Remus kept his glare on Severus.
"Because you're asking me things that I cannot answer properly! Just leave it, Remus, watch the bloody game!"
"So you're just going to not tell me anything at all, just sulk about it, lie about it, just like the last argument you had with Albus during the Christmas break?"
Severus felt himself blanch at those accusing words, his heart thudding. What argument? But Remus turned away from him.
"Remus, what are you talking about?"
Remus didn't answer, and at that moment Harry zoomed by the faculty stands. Remus greeted him with supportive cheers, and Severus, with an eye to see if there was anyone watching him…and there wasn't…gave it his all to smile and appear supportive for their kid who didn't seem to be enjoying the game as well.
"Another score for Gryffindor! Thank you very, very much, Demelza! She really is a lovely and talented girl…" The cheers from Gryffindor were ecstatic, as if they were savoring the win despite the drama going on in the air.
Once Harry sped off, Remus whipped his attention back to Severus.
"Don't act like you don't know! Look, I understand you have to keep things from me because of Albus, I know that, Severus, but if it's going to leave you in a mood and sulking and not wanting to talk to me about it and disappearing on me without any explanation, then that's where I have a problem!"
"Seventy-forty to Hufflepuff!" Minerva suddenly shouted for Lovegood who had somehow lost track of the score. It was followed by a cheer from the Hufflepuff stands and a collective groan from the Gryffindors.
Remus then turned his attention back to the game with a frown, his eyes searching for Harry.
Severus tried to look back into his memory, trying to figure out what argument Remus was talking about. An argument he apparently had with Albus during the Christmas break, hoping nothing important or anything of the task was overheard. Was it possible Remus was talking about the one where Severus had kicked Albus out of the cabin? Why is he bringing that up now? It's been months…and he was there… It can't be that one… It was hard to weed these arguments out, everytime Severus was with Albus, all they did was argue these days if they weren't talking business… Then Severus finally remembered a specific one he had with Albus in the black forest and how he had run into Hagrid as he stormed away from the headmaster.
Fuck, it was that one!
Panic suddenly seizing him, Severus grabbed Remus by his shoulders, roughly forcing his body towards him, forcing Remus' attention on him. "What argument are you talking about?! What did you overhear?!" Severus asked so harshly, shaking Remus and not meaning to at all but he lost control in his panic of Remus possibly knowing something of his promise for Albus.
Remus flinched from Severus' desperate and savage tone of voice, from his harsh and sudden grip, pulling himself away from Severus' grasp. "Get off me!" His sudden shout was luckily covered up by the sudden roar of Hufflepuff and their supporters as McLaggen failed to block the Gryffindor goalpost again.
Severus drew his eyes to the Gryffindor goalposts. In fact, McLaggen wasn't even there… He then returned his attention back to Remus who was glaring at him, his eyes now flecked with gold, he looked so angry… His eyes were watering and his hands were shaking.
Fuck! Severus realized that he made this quarrel between them much worse by being rough with Remus, just like how his father used to be with his mother. Severus couldn't believe he had done that, the worst of him always came out in his temper, just like how his father was, and Severus hated it. He was so ashamed that it squashed out every feeling of panic and frustration and anger towards Remus, leaving only guilt and concern and remorse.
"Remus, I didn't mean to be so rough like that… Did I hurt you?" Severus reached out a hand to steady Remus' trembling hands, but Remus flinched away, moving his hands out of reach…
"McLaggen! Would you give the fucking bat back to him and get back to your bloody post! Hufflepuff just scored twice because of you, you prick!" Harry shouted.
Severus whipped his head back to the field. Harry was pelting towards the goalpost just as McLaggen swung the bat and hit a passing bludger hard, hurling it straight towards Harry. It happened so fast that Severus hadn't even registered what had happened until he heard the sickening crack of it colliding into Harry's head and suddenly he was falling off his broom.
"Harry!" Remus shouted with shock and panic, getting up from his seat.
"Arresto Momentum!" Severus shouted, pointing his wand at Harry, slowing down his fall as Remus ran down to the field as quickly as he could. With a curse under his breath, as soon as Harry was safely on the grass, Severus followed after Remus.
When Severus got there, Remus was already stopping the blood flow from Harry's head. Madam Hooch was placing a magical stretcher next to Harry's limp body and they were now preparing to move him.
Dean Thomas was up in the air, laughing, and Ginny cursed so boldly and loudly at him, it shut Thomas right up.
The least annoying one of the Weasley brood… Severus realized.
Severus didn't go any closer, no matter how much it killed him to not be at Harry's side. He couldn't. He still had his role to play, the Potions Professor that hated Harry Potter. At least Harry was with Remus, he was in good hands. But there was one thing he could do as a professor, and he saw McLaggen landing on the ground, still holding the damn Beater's bat. Severus fixed him with his most dangerous glare and stalked over to him, grabbing him by the collar of his robes and pulling away the bat from his grip.
"McLaggen! That was the most reckless, idiotic form of playing I've ever seen in all of my sixteen years of teaching at this school! One of the worst Quidditch players this school has had and believe me I thought I've seen worse until you've turned up on the field today!"
From the distance, Severus caught Remus suddenly looking around, searching for him most likely, until he caught Severus scolding McLaggen thoroughly. He gave Severus a quick nod then levitated the stretcher that was now bearing Harry, and with Madam Hooch's assistance they began to rush him towards the castle and to the hospital wing.
Severus was angry that he couldn't be there. He turned his attention back to a thoroughly chastised McLaggen who had been protesting that Harry was being a terrible captain and that he was only doing his job for him.
"I don't want to hear it!" Severus snapped. "You had no business grabbing a Beater's bat without any proper training for it and ruining the game by almost killing another player!"
.
.
Harry was going to be fine, according to Madam Pomfrey as she wrapped up Harry's head with a tight bandage. She had healed up his cracked skull in no time at all. And once the last potion was poured down Harry's throat, Severus finally found himself letting out a deep breath of relief.
"He'll most likely be unconscious for a good few hours, maybe more. Rehealing a cracked skull is serious business and it takes a lot of rest," she explained to Severus and Remus.
"Bloody McLaggen!" Weasley said furiously from his bed. "I heard everything from Luna's commentary, I'm going to kill him!"
"Not when you're still under my watch, Mr. Weasley," Madam Pomfrey snapped as she updated Harry's chart on her clipboard.
Severus was standing besides Madam Pomfrey. He drew his eyes away from his unconscious son; his dark hair was spilling out over the white bandages that were wrapped around his head, and settled his gaze onto Remus who was sitting on the edge of Harry's bed with his thumb rubbing circles on the back of Harry's hand.
The echoes of their argument echoed in Severus' head, he kept replaying the moments when Remus flinched from him, pulling his hand away, and how he looked at him with such frustration, anger and hurt, snapping at Severus to get off of him. The way his hazel eyes were flecked with gold because of Severus…
Throughout the whole ordeal of getting Harry to the hospital wing, they were forced to put their argument on hold.
Severus was fighting the urge to go to Remus, to put a hand on his shoulder and comfort him. Even though they were in a middle of an argument, it pained Severus to see Remus so upset and worried over their kid.
But Poppy and Weasley are still in the room… And would Remus even want me to touch him?
Severus hadn't meant to be so rough, consumed by terrible guilt and fear that Remus might just shake him off. He wouldn't know what to do with that possible rejection… But Severus needed Remus, to touch him, to have his closeness, needed to bring Remus comfort, to let him know that even though they were arguing, Severus still loved him and that he was sick with worry over their injured son as well.
Fuck it! Our kid has a bloody cracked skull!
Severus was just summoning up the courage to comfort Remus in front of Weasley and Madam Pomfrey, but then the Gryffindor Quidditch team chose that exact same moment to burst in through the doors with Granger among them.
Madam Pomfrey slammed the clipboard to Severus' chest, expecting him to take it as she stormed towards the rowdy group of teenagers.
"No! No, absolutely not!" Madam Pomfrey scolded. "Potter needs his rest and he can't have that with all of you and your ruckus!"
They all began to protest.
"Aw, come on, Madam Pomfrey!"
"We lost the game because of McLaggen, we just want to see how our captain is doing!"
"It won't be long!"
Remus suddenly stood up during the chaos, never looking at Severus as he said, "It's okay, Poppy, at least have Hermione and Ginny stay with Harry. That way he won't be alone when he wakes. The rest of us can leave. Severus and I have been here for quite a while already, just let us know as soon as he starts to wake up or if there are any changes."
"Will do, Remus," Madam Pomfrey complied with reassurance. "Don't worry, Harry won't be alone, he's in good hands."
Remus nodded his gratitude towards the medi-witch who then turned a fierce gaze on the group of teenagers, still decked in their Quidditch uniforms, excluding Granger. "You heard Professor Lupin, if you're not Miss Granger or Miss Weasley, then out!"
The Gryffindor Quidditch team all began to protest, but all Severus had to do was fix them with his no-nonsense glare, "You heard her, out!" he said sternly, causing them to obey the school medi-witch without another complaint.
As they left, grumbling about how unfair it was that they couldn't see their Quidditch captain, Severus watched Remus leaning over, giving Harry a kiss on the forehead, whispering something Severus couldn't hear. He then straightened himself up, nodding his head to Granger and the Weasleys, saying his thanks to Madam Pomfrey, and then left the hospital wing without even a glance at Severus.
The girls were quietly conversing with Weasley, their eyes all on Harry. Ginny pulled up a chair and placed it between Harry's and her brother's bed, reaching over and gently holding Harry's hand, her face full of worry. Severus could see her visibly shaking with rage as she told her brother what happened out in the field. McLaggen's name was heard, paired with a few choice swear words from her. Severus didn't reprimand Ginny. He pretended as if he were too absorbed in Harry's chart that he didn't hear her. Severus couldn't blame the girl, really. He was feeling the same rage towards McLaggen as well. That boy could've killed his son, he was so reckless and stupid to swing a Beater's bat at a bludger without any proper training, plus it wasn't even his place to be there. He was supposed to be guarding the fucking goalposts!
Severus had given the idiot two months worth of detention and he wasn't allowed to play Quidditch again for the year. Severus' discipline on McLaggen was graciously approved by Minerva since she was his head of house, she was also angry at him for being the cause of such a disastrous loss for Gryffindor. McLaggen had also received an earful from the formidable witch about that as well as he could've killed Harry.
Madam Pomfrey had gone to her office. Severus put down the chart and went to Harry's side, sitting on the edge of the bed, the same spot that Remus had occupied earlier. Not caring that Granger and the Weasleys were in the room, Severus studied his son's unconscious face, reaching out and moving his hair to the side, away from his face. He then checked the bandages on Harry's head, making sure that they were properly on and not wrapped too tightly.
Worry for Harry coursed through him, even though Madam Pomfrey said he was going to be just fine with plenty of rest. Severus' heart still went out for his injured son. It was hard to see him like this, hard to think about how upset he would be when he learned of his team's loss once he finally woke up. Harry had worked so hard keeping the team together after the losses of Weasley and Bell, practicing hard three evenings a week.
The sickening sound of the bludger connecting to Harry's head was a sound Severus would never forget, and the horror of it, the panic he felt right after as he ran down to the field…
"It was a good game, son. The loss wasn't your fault and between you and me, I was hoping for your team to win, you've worked so hard for it. You deserved it, but it can't be helped now… Just rest, and your papa and I will be here when you awake," Severus whispered, leaning over and gently kissing the side of Harry's head before standing up.
Severus took one last worry look at Harry, then left the hospital wing. He could feel Weasley's, Ginny's and Granger's eyes on him. They were most likely surprised at what they heard from him, at how gentle and loving he was with Harry. They already knew the familial relationship between them, and so Severus didn't really care that they just saw a side of him they had never seen before. They were Harry's inner circle. Albus trusted Harry enough to allow him to talk about his secret lessons with them. Harry trusted them enough to know about his mental health, the abuse he went through and how he now had a family with Severus and Remus, and so Severus trusted them enough to allow them to see him as Harry's father, no matter how annoying he thought Granger and Weasley were…the Weasley girl not so much though….
.
.
Once Severus closed the hospital wing doors, he lingered in the corridor. He wasn't really sure what to do with himself now… On a normal Saturday, Severus would have been with Remus or even Harry….
Remus was obviously still very upset with Severus still, he didn't even wait for him, he just left and Severus was almost content to just let Remus be to stew in his anger towards him, but their limited time together was so heavy on Severus' mind, in his heart, causing it to ache more than ever before. Severus didn't want to waste their last months together arguing. He had to fix this, and with that, Severus made his way towards the Defense wing.
He didn't find Remus in his office or in his quarters. He didn't know where else to look other than the Astronomy tower, Remus' favorite place to sit and think. Severus climbed up to the seventh floor, then up the winding staircase and with breathless relief, he found Remus sitting up on the ledge. The sun was shining down, its rays causing his light-brown hair to shine golden. The sky was filled with fluffy white clouds and the air for the first time in months felt warm. It was a beautiful early spring day despite everything that had happened this morning.
"I didn't want to be found," Remus said, not looking back, his voice carrying out into the open sky ahead of him.
Severus figured Remus caught his scent on the breeze before he emerged from the stairway.
"Remus, I apologize for last night, I needed space…" Severus said, still out of breath as he joined Remus on the ledge.
Remus just stared straight ahead, his eyes squinting a bit from the bright sun. "Which I completely understand. You're allowed all of the space you need, but Severus, forgive me from asking, I know you can't exactly answer…"
Remus then finally turned his hazel-green gaze to him, full of hesitation and hurt that squeezed Severus' heart…
Don't look at me like that…
"What are you hiding from me?" Remus finished.
And Severus didn't know what to say to that, as much as he knew this argument was approaching… He wasn't prepared for it.
"No, you know what…" Remus scoffed with a sad smile, looking away, his golden fringe going into his eyes and Severus just wanted to reach over and brush it to the side, to kiss that pained smile and turn it into the special one Remus always reserved just for him. "Don't answer it. I can't put you in that position."
"I'm sorry, Remus," Severus could only say.
Remus only sighed, going back to staring at the view of the Hogwarts grounds. Severus sat silently beside him, waiting for Remus to speak again when he felt ready.
"I get that Dumbledore has forbidden you from speaking about certain things. I get how and why you are working for him… I understand all of that… But why hide an argument from me that you had with Dumbledore that sounded as if it had really upset you? Did you two have another quarrel last night, is that why you just disappeared? You know you could've just come to me instead of withdrawing."
"That argument you brought up, it's not the one where I kicked Albus out of the cabin, isn't it?"
"No, it is not," Remus admitted, looking at Severus as he recited, "Are you really apologetic of the circumstances or are you just sorry I feel this way?"
Taken aback by the sudden confirmation of his suspicions, Severus spat, "Fucking Hagrid can't keep his bloody trap shut!"
"Be honest with me, Severus, if it weren't for Hagrid and Harry, then I would never have known about it."
"Harry knows?!" Severus asked with fury and shock. "That's just bloody great then, isn't it? Another reason for Harry to start distrusting me again!"
"Hagrid told Harry, and then he told me… But that doesn't matter how I heard about it, the point is that you were never going to tell me, and you avoiding answering me on everything I'm asking you, proves that I'm right!" Remus snapped, suddenly turning around and jumping off the ledge, the sound of his shoes hitting the stone floor. "I'm not even going to bother asking about what you said even means! I'm not getting any answers, only fucking silence and secrets!"
Severus scowled with annoyance and frustration as he slid off the wall as well, straightening himself up and glaring at Remus. "Why is this so bloody important to you? That was just a private conversation between me and Albus. It's none of your business!"
As soon as Severus said that, those words still echoing in the air between them, Severus knew that was the wrong thing to say. Of course it was Remus' business. Are they not boyfriends? Isn't Severus' business Remus' business as well and vice versa? They have a kid together!
"It should be my business!" Remus shouted, glaring at Severus, his body shaking as he stepped a bit closer. "I want to know everything about you, Severus, I'm in love with you, deeply and truly, the most in love I've ever felt with anyone, even with Sirius and that is so fucken messed up because he was my best friend, my first love, and that just goes to show how much I feel for you, and you know that! You're my soulmate and that means I want every side of you and I'm missing a huge chunk of you that only Albus gets to see… I know there are things that you are forbidden to speak about, I understand, but you can still let me in a bit, like the arguments and how you feel about the spywork he's making you do…"
"Remus, you're being fucking irrational!" Severus said. "How the hell can I even talk to you about what happens…"
But Remus kept going, shaking his golden head, his voice cracking, trembling, betraying the hurt he was feeling inside…
"You tell me to open up about my depression… You want me to tell you about my nightmares and my feelings on what I went through with Greyback, you want me to talk to you… I keep things from you too, but only because the pain runs so deep in me that it's hard to get past the trauma of it all and talk about it, but I'm trying… I want to and I'm trying… I'm not choosing to be silent, it's just me fighting my demons… But you choose to be silent and you expect me to be okay with that, you expect me to accept that you're keeping things from me, all because of Dumbledore… But he hasn't forbidden you to talk to me about your feelings, he hasn't ordered you to withdraw from me… That is all you!"
"I'm not choosing to withdraw from you, I just don't have a choice, I'm bloody shackled to that madman!" Severus shouted.
Every word Remus had said to him was like a knife through the heart and what made it worse was that he knew everything Remus was saying was right. He had been keeping things from him, but only because he wouldn't be able to explain anything fully without inviting the subject of Draco's task that was really for Severus' to accomplish. Remus was probably feeling as if he were missing something, something big, causing him to feel like Severus was hiding something, withdrawing because of it…of course he was feeling that way, and Severus really couldn't do anything about it.
Remus, darling, please understand! Severus thought with despair.
"You told me we were a team! How the fuck can we be a team if you're keeping stuff from me! You do have a choice! Talk to me, Severus! At least with what you can!"
Severus groaned out with frustration, running his hands through his hair. "I can't!"
"Why were you so upset last night?! Why were you hiding from me? I keep asking you that and you won't answer me!"
"Remus, I can't talk to you about any of it!"
Remus' nostrils were flared with anger, his hazel eyes were now full of golden flecks and swirling with hurt. He shook his head with defeat and turned around, heading to the stairs.
"Where the fuck are you going?! You can't just interrogate me and then just leave in the middle of this argument, we have to fix this, now!" Severus spat, a bit of spit escaping his mouth, but he was so angry he didn't pay any attention to it.
Severus' nasty tone of voice caused Remus to stop in his tracks, whirling around to face him again. "Why?" he asked. "Why are you in such a hurry to fix this?"
And Severus couldn't say why. He couldn't say that they only had about three and a half months left, too short a time to waste on an argument as big as this one.
Remus flinched from Severus' silence.
Remus, darling, I'm so sorry… Severus couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. I'm sorry for hurting you like this… Albus has the key to my silence…
And even though Severus was tempted to blame all of this on Albus, it was partly Severus' fault for not hiding all of the secrecy between him and Albus better.
"I thought so…" Remus said softly. There was no more anger in his voice, only hurt. "If you really want to know where I'm going, I'm off to meet up with Vector and Tonks for a birthday tea at Madam Puddifoot's."
Severus curled his lip with disgust at the mention of the girly and romantic tea shop where most Hogwarts students had their first awkward dates.
"Don't look at me like that, it's their way of supporting me on staying sober… At least I can count on them to show since it's clear you can't be bothered enough to remember to show up for the things you planned!"
This time it was Severus who flinched from Remus' tone of voice, wondering if Remus was doing this purposely to hurt him back for this argument, for his chosen silence, for standing him up yesterday… The birthday date Severus had planned for him and had forgotten… Fuck! He quickly shoved a hand into his robes, feeling a small velvet box inside… Fuck!
And so angry at himself for forgetting the reason why he'd made those plans with Remus last night… Hisbirthday! I'm a fucking idiot! Severus couldn't help but snarl so nastily, "Have a bloody good time with charming Septimus, don't you dare sit next to him!"
Fuck! Why am I bloody like this? Why can't I control what comes out of my mouth when I'm around him?!
Remus was afterall, Severus' achilles heel, and now he suddenly understood why… Remus had called him his soulmate… You are my soulmate too… I can't hide from you, darling….
Unaware of the internal battle going on inside of Severus, Remus shouted back, "And what if he does?! What does that matter to you?!"
"Remus, he bloody likes you! Why is it that everyone you come in contact with, falls head over heels for you?!"
"What the fuck are you saying, Severus?!" Remus' eyes were turning more and more golden, betraying the trouble he was internally having with controlling the wolf due to the high emotions in the air between them. "Vector is just a friend, just like Tonks! Why are you so threatened by them?! You have me, not them! We aren't going to have another argument about you controlling who I can be friends with again, just because you don't like them!"
Remus then turned around and started to climb down the stairs before Severus could argue any further.
"Remus!" Severus shouted.
"Jump off the fucking Astonomy tower!" Remus' voice echoed from the staircase.
"Yeah? Well then, piss off!"
And just like that, Remus was gone, leaving Severus alone to release a torrent of his most favorite curse words.
.
.
Severus didn't see Remus for hours after that. He had returned to his quarters, catching up on grading assignments and he also got a head start on brewing the Wolfsbane for March's full-moon.
With the potion now simmering, Severus found himself with nothing to do to keep himself occupied. He wanted to be busy, he didn't want to sit around wallowing in his concern for Harry, in his frustration and anger towards Remus….
Severus still couldn't get over the fact of how Remus understood why he was silent with certain things between him and Albus, but still begged Severus to talk to him about it. He was being irrational, yet Severus understood that Remus was only venting, speaking from a place deep inside of him that was of tiring patience and frustration with Severus' silence and hurt from Severus standing him up last night and hiding in his lab.
Severus sighed and went to his storage closet in his lab and started to clean it out, chasing all thoughts of Remus and Harry out of his mind. He was about halfway through organizing a box filled with empty flasks and other storage containers for ingredients and potions when he came across a small beaded bag. It was his mother's bag, he had taken it from Spinner's End long ago and had placed it in his old library that was now Harry's room. When Severus had cleaned out the library, the bag had ended up in his closet, forgotten. Severus always remembered her every time he saw the beaded bag, that was why he had taken it with him. She used to always store everything inside it. Every time Severus needed something she would pull it out from her bag, from a few coins for sugary treats while shopping, to a favorite book or toy. It had a charm casted inside of it so that the user could never run out of space for storing things.
Severus stared at it wondering… Those lessons, there was a reason for them. Albus was planning something and he knew that once the headmaster was gone, Harry would most likely be left with something to do, some sort of task…forcing Harry and his friends into possible hiding…and Severus…he couldn't be there to protect him….
Suddenly an idea came to him. He couldn't be there, but this beaded bag could be…
Severus started looking around the closet, filling the bag with anything useful Harry and his friends may need while on the run. Severus then went to his quarters, filling the bag up with more books and supplies, including all of the camping equipment he still had, medical-kits, potions, anything he could think of.
And once Severus was absolutely sure that he covered all of the bases and the beaded bag was ready to be handed off to Granger; the only one he trusted to hold onto it for safe-keeping and not ask questions about it, it was a bit past dinner and now Severus was allowing his mind to wander back towards Harry…wondering if his son had awoken yet, but Madam Pomfrey said she would alert him and Remus when that happened…
When Severus arrived at the hospital wing several moments later, Weasley was asleep in his bed and Granger was sitting in a chair between his bed and Harry's, reading.
Perfect…
"I suppose there hasn't been any changes with Harry while Lupin and I were gone?" Severus asked Granger awkwardly. He wasn't used to speaking to her this civilly before. Granger turned a bit pink, most likely thinking the same thing.
"Not yet, but Madam Pomfrey doesn't seem worried."
Severus nodded, his eyes on his unconscious son. He put his hands in his pockets, feeling the beaded bag and remembering why he was speaking to the know-it-all girl. Severus took the bag out of his pocket, staring down at it for a moment, its beads glinting in the light of the lanterns. This was probably going to be the last time he would ever lay eyes on it, remembering vividly of his mother carrying it around. He could feel Granger watching him curiously, pulling him out his bittersweet memories.
"I… I should go… You deserve some alone time with Harry," Granger suddenly said, getting up and packing away her books inside of her messenger bag.
And just as she was leaving…
"Granger, wait," Severus said, he silently handed her the bag.
"Professor Snape…what?" Granger looked at the offered bag with confusion, then her brown eyes traveled up to his face.
"Don't open it yet… You'll know when the time is right. No questions. Don't tell anyone you have it, just take it and have it with you everyday for now on. I promise you, it is safe."
Granger nodded, taking the bag and stuffing into her own bag.
Severus then drew his attention away from Granger and onto Harry, her footsteps leading towards the doors and echoing from outside the hospital wing until she was gone.
Feeling a bit choked up from giving away his mother's beaded bag, Severus quickly drew some room dividers around Weasley's bed, casting a Silencing Charm around him for privacy.
.
.
An hour had passed of Severus sitting on the chair Granger had occupied before he arrived, and Harry still hadn't woken up yet. He was trying not to worry about it when the sound of a door opening along with soft footsteps broke the silence of the hospital wing. Severus didn't turn around to see who it was, he didn't need to. He would know the sound of that walk anywhere. Severus felt his warm and comforting presence behind him just before a gentle hand rested on his shoulder. Severus reached up and covered that hand with his own, feeling his body sagging with relief, turning his head enough to see Remus peering down at him.
"Remus…"
"Any change?" Remus nodded his head towards Harry. He then moved away, sitting on the edge of Harry's bed. Severus felt the absence of his touch.
"No, but Poppy isn't worried," Severus answered back.
"Okay, I guess we just have to wait until Harry is ready."
Remus kept his gaze on their kid and they waited together with a terrible heavy silence between them, that neither of them could seem to find the courage to break just yet.
And when it felt like almost another hour had passed, Severus couldn't take it anymore. He said so quietly, he was sure Remus was only able to hear him because of his werewolf hearing, "Darling…"
Remus turned his body towards him, his hazel eyes full of hurt that caused Severus' heart to ache.
"Can we talk about our quarrel?"
Remus only nodded, signaling for Severus to go first.
"What you've told me, I'm sorry you feel that way, I truly am, Remus, I've been keeping things from you and I see that it's hurting you… I'm not surprised at all that this argument blew up in our faces."
Remus shook his head, shyly running a hand through his hair. "It's okay, I was a bit irrational earlier… I know you don't have a choice against the word of Albus Dumbledore… It's just hard sometimes, and you were being so moody and closed off this morning… I lost my patience. I apologize for pressuring you into speaking."
"You weren't being irrational, you were right to feel that way. You are missing a huge part of me, and I understand how much that can hurt, can make you feel casted away… I did tell you that we are a team, but when you're feeling that way, we are not… I lied to you…" Severus' voice cracked, his heart aching with what he was about to apologize for, shame coursing through him. The ghost of his father showed through Severus today and he never wanted to allow that to happen again.
"Remus, I apologize for being rough with you on the Quidditch stands. I had no right grabbing you like that…"
Remus met his gaze and said dismissively, "You were just freaked with what might've been overheard…"
"Yeah, but that doesn't matter. The way you looked at me after… I should not have laid a hand on you like that. I'm not even going to ask for your forgiveness for my actions, just that I want to tell you that I deeply apologize and it won't happen again."
"I've already forgiven you…" Remus said softly, reaching over and grabbing Severus' hand. "Let's just forget it ever happened."
"Can I ask you something?" Severus said quietly, afraid to hear the answer that would only cause him more guilt.
Remus nodded.
"When I grabbed you, the way you flinched… Did I accidentally trigger you…the way they handled you in that cellar… Did I remind you of that?"
Remus only looked away, his eyes seeming a bit far away for a moment. Severus felt himself breaking with shame. He intertwined his fingers with Remus', trying to bring him back to the present.
"I won't ever hurt you like that, it won't ever happen again," Severus promised, his voice full of guilt.
No matter how angry he felt at Remus today after their argument, Severus couldn't get Remus' reaction of Severus grabbing him so roughly, for speaking to him so viciously out of his mind, no matter how hard Severus tried to keep himself occupied all day. The way Remus had flinched, the way he looked at him, it kept coming back and Severus doubted it would ever go away. "I'm not my father."
Remus finally drew his gaze back to Severus. "You are very far from who your father was," he said. "I bet he'd never taken account of his actions towards you and your mother."
"No, he always made it seem as if it were our fault for why he'd chosen to beat us."
"Severus, promise me one thing."
"Anything."
"When we get the chance, I want you to tell me more about your life growing up with your parents. Remember after the last Quidditch match, our walk up the hill before we kissed?"
Severus nodded.
"Remember what I asked of you?"
"You wanted me to open up, you wanted to know everything about me."
Remus nodded, "If you're looking for a way to make up for being rough with me, then that is what I want."
"Then I will do that… How about tomorrow? During our rescheduled Hogsmeade date?"
Remus smiled, "I would like that… But it doesn't count as my birthday present."
"Oh, of course not my silly wolf, I have something else planned."
Remus laughed. He laughed because of Severus, and it made his heart thud against his chest.
They were going to be okay, Severus thought with relief.
The ugly storm of their argument was finally beginning to clear away, letting in a few rays of sunshine… But Severus still had some things left unsaid….
Severus lifted Remus' hand and kissed the center of his palm. Remus fixed him with his hazel gaze, the laughter still dancing in his eyes and Severus knew that with what he was about to say would chase it all away, and it pained him to do it, but it had to be done if he wanted the sun to shine through the storm clouds.
"Darling, I'm not choosing to be silent on purpose. It is all because of Albus and my position in the war. I do it because if anything accidentally slips and blows my cover, I'm a dead man, and things would be affected greatly for our side. If anything slips that can even possibly lead back to you, that is what I fear most of all. I'm especially silent with you because I'm trying to protect you. You are the one good thing this war hasn't taken from me and I can't bear it if that happens."
"I don't need protecting, Severus, I need us to be equals. I need to be let in as much as I'm allowed, not completely casted away. I don't care about the details of why you and Albus were arguing. I understand I'm not privy to that information, but I know it was why you were so late in coming home that evening just before Christmas break ended. Harry and I were very worried, and when you returned you didn't say anything. You could've just told me that you and Dumbledore quarreled and left it at that…
And last night, instead of disappearing, you could have just sent me a message saying you two quarreled again and that you needed space…
That's all I'm asking…communication…truth when you're able to give it…"
Severus nodded his understanding… He could do that… "Remus…"
"Yes, Severus?"
"I apologize for standing you up, for lying, for what I said to you about Vector and Tonks, it was wrong of me to get upset at you for spending your afternoon with them. I admit I do get jealous of their attention to you, but I cannot help it at times. You're beautiful and brilliant and for some reason, you love me. I can't help but feel at times that their company matches your aura perfectly, more than me… The people in this castle always wonder why we are friends, I hear the whispers in the corridors and the staff table, but they don't wonder about you, Tonks and Vector."
Remus gave him a small and exasperated smile. "Severus, love, at the end of the day, I just want to be with you, not them. Don't ever fear me leaving you for them. I don't care what others think as well, that Tonks and Vector being my friends makes more sense than me being friends with you. They don't know you like I do, they don't know us."
"You know, I was right about people always seeming to fall in love with you, I'm a victim to your enchantments, the only bastard lucky enough to have you falling for me as well."
"You may believe that, but I don't," Remus snorted with disbelief.
Severus snorted back, "I'm sounding so fucking sappy right now because of you, if that doesnt prove it…"
"Ugh, fuck, tell me about it… Can you two fucking stop…" Harry suddenly mumbled, causing Severus and Remus to whip their attention onto their son.
"Harry!" Severus said with surprise, getting out of the chair and moving to his side.
Remus turned himself back towards Harry. "How are you feeling, cub?"
"I feel… I feel like I'm going to kill McLaggen!" Harry gritted through his teeth, his eyes slowly opening as he drew a hand to his bandaged head. "How long have I been out?"
Severus placed Harry's glasses on him. "For hours. It's way past dinner now."
"So, the match is definitely over then?" Harry dejectedly asked.
"I'm so sorry, Harry," Remus said with sympathy.
"We lost, didn't we?"
Remus nodded.
Harry swore and Severus allowed it this time, just this once because Harry deserved to let out some steam. He was hit in the head with a bludger by a Keeper that couldn't stay by the goalposts. A stupid accident that shouldn't have happened.
"In all seriousness, how are you feeling physically, son?" Severus asked.
"I have a pounding headache."
"I'll go get Poppy," Remus said, getting off the bed and heading towards her office.
Once Madam Pomfrey arrived and explained to Harry the seriousness of his injuries and that he was confined to rest in the hospital for another day, she kicked Severus and Remus out, saying it was time for Harry to get some rest and that they could visit him tomorrow morning.
Harry had pleaded to be allowed to rest in his bedroom in Severus' quarters.
"It's Remus' birthday tomorrow. How are we going to celebrate it if I'm stuck here?"
"That can wait!" Madam Pomfrey scolded. "Your rest is more important than a party, I'm sure Remus understands."
"I certainly do, cub, I'll tell you what…" Remus leant over and whispered something to Harry, who smiled and stopped complaining about being released right away.
Severus narrowed his eyes at their mischief. Madam Pomfrey only rolled her eyes at them, then glaring at Severus who could only shrug. Severus had already learned long ago that once Remus and Harry were in Marauder mode, there was no stopping them.
Once the hospital wing doors closed behind them, Severus turned towards Remus who smiled at him and said, "My quarters or yours?"
"Mine are closer," Severus suggested.
"Lead the way then," Remus said, daring to take Severus' hand when anyone could pass by and see them, but at the moment, Severus didn't worry about that. It was past curfew already and most of the faculty were all in their quarters.
"Severus," Remus said as they entered the dungeons.
"Yes, darling?"
Remus smiled sheepishly and said, "I'm sorry for telling you to jump off of the Astronomy tower. If you would have done that, I would've missed you very much."
Severus laughed at that. "No worries, and I'm sorry for telling you to piss off."
"Are we done with quarreling, now?" Remus chuckled. "Because I really do miss you, dear."
Severus' voice softened as he said, "I miss you, too. We're done." He fought the urge to pull Remus close to him and kiss him, but they were already risking enough by holding hands.
Remus looked at him longingly and Severus knew he was also fighting the urge to kiss him.
"I'm really relieved that our kid is going to be okay. That was so close, Severus, we could've lost him today… I was so scared."
"Yeah, I know… I was scared to death, too… Did you hear that crack when the bludger hit him? I can't get the sound out of my head."
"Yeah, it was terrifying. It was quick thinking for you to slow down his fall."
Severus humbly brushed away the compliment. "If it weren't for you, Harry would have been in worse shape than he is now. You got there so fast, taking care of the blood flow and getting him on the stretcher."
"Madam Hooch helped," Remus shrugged. "You really laid it into McLaggen, didn't you? You went full-on papa bear," Remus laughed, causing Severus to roll his eyes.
"I did not, you silly wolf," he muttered.
.
.
They finally entered Severus' quarters, the portrait door shutting behind them as they stepped inside, finally granting them the privacy and safety from anyone walking by and seeing them so comfortable together.
Severus wasted no time in pulling Remus into a tight hug, burrowing his face into the crook of his neck and shoulder, inhaling Remus' sweet scent and kissing his soft skin, enjoying the feel of his boyfriend in his arms again after going hours without seeing him, touching him, holding him and kissing him.
Hearing his voice, his laugh, that smile and those hazel-green eyes…
Merlin, Severus missed him…
And if he couldn't bear to last a day without being in Remus' presence, how was Severus ever going to survive the absence of Remus once Albus' task was complete?
"Remus, darling," Severus muttered against him, muffling his voice. He kissed Remus' neck. "Let's don't ever fight again."
Remus let out a soft laugh, causing his body to move up and down a bit.
Severus clung onto him even tighter. The thought of him not being able to hold Remus like this whenever he wanted to was making him clingy, and he didn't care how that made him look.
"You know that's impossible, love, even for us… Quarreling is healthy for relationships, sometimes it's needed for them to grow and become stronger," Remus said as he shifted a bit so that he was able to lift Severus' head away from his neck, covering Severus' face with soft kisses.
Severus closed his eyes, enjoying every touch of those lips against his skin. Remus then leaned his forehead against Severus' own. "You know what's the best part of arguing?" Remus flirtatiously whispered close to his ear, his warm breath causing Severus to shiver.
Severus' voice shook, his stomach dropping and twisting with pleasure and nerves. "And what is that, darling?"
Remus kissed Severus' ear, licking the soft shell, his tongue slowly tracing the shape of it, letting out another warm breath then kissed the gentle skin underneath his earlobe. Remus then began to nibble at Severus' lobe, making Severus shiver with pleasure.
A soft moan escaped him, "Baby…"
"Make-up sex," Remus whispered, letting go of his ear and capturing Severus in a deep and slow kiss, his hands holding Severus' face in place.
Severus deepened the kiss, then suddenly without warning, lifted Remus up. Remus straddled his legs around Severus' waist, making him higher than Severus, never breaking the kiss. Remus wrapped his arms around his neck as Severus blindly took him to the bedroom.
When they got there, Severus gently laid Remus down among the pillows and sheets, his hazel eyes finding him, full of want and lust, that it almost took all of Severus' self-control to not tear off all of Remus' clothes and ravish him.
Severus took off his outer robes, tossing them on his desk chair, then the rest of his own clothes. He climbed over Remus, who placed his hands on Severus' hips.
"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" Severus whispered, purely entranced by Remus.
Remus only swallowed nervously.
"Are you nervous, darling? You're shaking."
"I just need you…" Remus whispered, suddenly pawing at Severus' pants, trying to unbuckle them.
"First, can I show you how much I love you?" Severus asked.
Remus stopped, his eyes dilated.
The look he gave to Severus was enough to make him go hard. Remus knew what he was suggesting, he'd once asked Severus that before going down on him for the first time, showing Severus something so wonderful….
Severus breathed. "Do you have any idea how mad you make me with just one glance of those beautiful hazel eyes of yours?" He leant down, nuzzling Remus' chin so he could have access to his neck, covering the sensitive skin of his Adam's Apple with a series of loving and passionate kisses.
"Severus," Remus was panting. "Severus, please…"
Severus pulled off Remus' outer robes, tossing them to the desk chair with his own. Then started to slowly take off the rest of his clothes, starting with his brown vest and tie, unbuckling his pants and pulling them off, leaving Remus only in his underwear, revealing the tent caused by his hard member underneath the fabric. Severus slowly pulled those off too, kissing every inch of skin he could reach as Remus was finally completely naked underneath him.
Severus moved his gaze up and down Remus' body and began to kiss his lips, then slowly trailed down to his neck, his chest, licking a hardened pectoral, sucking and nipping all the way down, paying extra attention to each scar and blemish. Then Severus stopped, looking up and catching Remus' eyes that were dark with pleasure, he swiped a tongue over his own lips slowly then leant down and took Remus into his mouth, suckling him and enjoying the moans of pleasure coming from Remus, enjoying the taste of him.
And just when Remus began to shake from being so near to completion, his breaths coming out faster and heavier, panting Severus' name over and over, his fingers tangling in Severus' hair, Severus began to go faster, inserting a finger into the entrance of his butt. The invasion caused Remus to orgasim immediately.
Remus screamed out his release, arching his back. Grunting, Severus kept going, greedily swallowing the warm liquid… He then stopped, reaching back up and giving Remus a deep kiss who moaned and cried into his mouth. He leaned his forehead against Remus' once he was done, his body loosening from his release. Their warm breaths mingling together.
Severus gave Remus a moment until he inserted himself into him, laying on top of Remus and thrusting into him, holding Remus close against him, kissing him over and over and over again, whispering sweet nothings into Remus' ear and kissing his face, hoping this tender moment could erase away the ugly storm that rumbled between them today.
Review Responses:
CityGirl7768:Thank you for always reviewing and enjoying the drama lol. This chapter is for you!
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