Chapter Thirty-Five - Screaming At The Sky
Remus was running up that slope, stuck in the same old dream. As always, the black wolf was waiting for him at the top, staring down at him with wide dark eyes, dark eyes that were so achingly familiar that he thought of Severus.
For the first time, Remus stopped focusing on his destination, just like what Severus had once told him. He looked around, observing his surroundings, observing the wolf on the hill, then he realized he was much closer to the top of the slope than he'd ever been, so close he was able to see the black wolf more clearly. He could see its dark eyes, its frosted snout, could see how much smaller it was than Remus' own wolf form, yet powerful muscles rippled underneath that dark coat.
The sun was rising in the sky behind it, and the wolf lifted up its head and sang. Remus lifted his own, ready to join in when suddenly everything began to fade away…
And there was only darkness, the kind of warm darkness one would get before waking and Remus could hear the whispers in his ear…
We are waiting for you, alpha…
We are waiting…
We are waiting…
Alpha, where are you….
Where are you…
We are waiting…
Alpha….
Remus suddenly jolted awake with a gasp, reaching out a hand to Severus for comfort, to ground him back to reality, to chase away the lingering whispers that stirred the wolf into restlessness, but he only found an empty space and cold sheets. Remus pulled himself up into a sitting position with a groan, looking around the room. Judging by the quietness of his quarters, he got the sense that he was alone. Remus wondered if Severus had gotten called away again while he was asleep.
Suddenly intense and loud, rapid knocking disturbed the quietness of his quarters.
Remus jumped from the sudden noise, grabbing his wand from the night table. Something was wrong, he could feel it. The wolf inside him could sense it too, it growled, causing Remus' soul to vibrate. He allowed the growl to rumble out of his throat and he caught his reflection in the window, golden-flecked eyes stared back at him. Remus then turned towards the clock on his night table as another round of knocking got him out of bed, pulling on jeans and a shirt and a set of robes. It was just a few hours after midnight.
"Remus!" Tonks shouted from the other side of the door. Her voice full of panic as she banged on the door. "Remus! Open the door!"
Something was definitely wrong.
Remus hurried through the living room to his door, opening it to find Tonks out in the corridor. Her wand was up and ready to defend. In the flickering light from the sconces on the wall, Remus could see the fear and urgency on her face.
"Dora?! What's wrong?" he asked, joining her out in the corridor, the door to his quarters closing shut behind him.
Without wasting any more time, Tonks immediately started leading Remus down the corridor and up the stairs. Remus had no choice but to follow after her with his wand out and ready.
"The castle is under attack!" Tonks breathlessly explained. "Death Eaters on the sixth floor, most likely heading to the Astronomy tower!"
At that, they quickened their pace, Tonks explaining in more detail to Remus. How Harry had gone on a mission with Dumbledore tonight, how Trelawney had heard Draco Malfoy celebrating in the Room of Requirement and told Harry about it. That he was sure Malfoy was going to use Dumbledore's absence to bring in Death Eaters. How Harry had tipped off his friends before he left. How Tonks, Bill and Charlie had just arrived to the castle, having lost Greyback's trail in Knockturn Alley and were going to alert Dumbledore about it, but they had run into Ron, Neville and Ginny, quickly telling them everything that had happened, that Death Eaters were in the castle and heading to the Astronomy tower. Bill and Charlie had bolted to the sixth floor, while the kids went to alert McGonagall. Tonks had gone straight to Remus.
"Why do you think they are heading to the Astronomy tower?" Remus gasped as they climbed the last set of stairs.
"I don't know, Albus and Harry were out on a mission, you don't think that's where they are returning? You don't think the Death Eaters could be after them?"
And Remus blanched with panic, "I think that's exactly what they are doing! They are going to ambush them!"
They bolted up the last flight and down the corridor, the sounds of dueling could already be heard before they could even see the battle.
Tonks and Remus stopped in their tracks for a moment as soon as they arrived. Death Eaters, a good number of them were guarding the stairs to the Astronomy tower. The doorway was glimmering, the signs of a barrier. Remus was sure it was them who put it up. Minerva, Sprout, Vector, and Slughorn were there, along with Bill and Charlie, and Harry's friends, Ron, Ginny and Neville. They were outnumbered and trying their all to get to the tower, to break the barrier. Remus searched the room and panicked when he realized Severus was nowhere in sight. Where was he? Did he know the castle was under attack? And was it really possible that Harry was up on the tower with Dumbledore?
Tonks and Remus both snapped out of their shock when a Death Eater shot a spell at Tonks. Remus blocked it, and Tonks fired back.
"We have to get to the stairs and take down that barrier! Cover me while I run through!" Remus shouted.
Tonks nodded her agreement, blocking and attacking any Death Eaters that advanced towards them.
"Four of them broke through our defenses and went up to the tower!" Bill shouted as Remus and Tonks passed him. Speaking through each spell he shot at the Death Eater he was battling with. "They put up a barrier, we can't get through it!"
"Who were they?!" Remus shouted as he blocked an oncoming spell.
Tonks fired back for him, then quickly blocked another attack in less than a second.
"Two dumpy-looking Death Eaters, Bellatrix Lestrange and Greyback! We lost him in Knockturn Alley, how the bloody hell did he get here so fast?!"
"Greyback is here!" Remus gasped out, and he fought harder to get to the entrance, to take down that barrier.
Tonks got there first, breaking through the Death Eater's defenses, and as soon as she shot the first spell to break it down she flew through the air. Vector freed himself from his duel with a Death Eater and ran to her side.
"Dora!" Remus shouted, suddenly a Death Eater advanced on him, shooting spells so fast, all Remus could do was block them. Remus shouted with frustration as the Death Eater started pushing him away from the stairs.
"She's okay!" Vector shouted from among the fray.
And all Remus could do was battle the large Death Eater, trying his best to disarm him so he could get back to the stairs and take down the barrier.
Suddenly, a flutter of black robes was caught in Remus' peripheral vision. He turned and saw it was Severus running towards them, his face as passive and emotionless as ever as he ran through the battle without a single person stopping him.
Instant relief went through Remus. If anyone could get through that barrier it was Severus.
"Severus! They're upstairs! Death Eaters and Malfoy with Dumbledore and Harry!" Remus shouted, then ducked from a spell the Death Eater threw at him. Remus shot back with anger and frustration, this time his attack managed to send the Death Eater flying, allowing Remus to run after Severus.
"Severus!" Remus shouted, dodging spells and duelers and Death Eaters, trying to get to Severus.
But Severus didn't stop, didn't look at him, he ran straight through the barrier as if it weren't there. Maybe he took it down? Remus managed to reach it, and instead of going through like Severus had, he flew through the air with an electric shock coursing through his body.
Severus didn't allow himself to stay on that tower another moment, he didn't allow himself to look at that empty space where one moment Albus was there, pleading his name, and the next, he was gone.
Severus… You and me…
How is it you and me if you're dead and gone, and I'm left alone to deal with the aftermath of what you made me do?
And with that thought, Severus never hated Albus Dumbledore more than that very moment, even with his grief, even with his horror of what he'd done washing over him. Severus pushed it all away, not allowing himself to feel. He could no longer be that version of himself tonight if he wanted to get him and Draco safely out of the castle. He secured his mask, his Death Eater persona, pretending that he had nothing to lose tonight and everything to gain, making sure his mask was on so tightly that Severus could no longer recognize himself anymore.
He turned away from the green light, his heart thundering so fast and so loud, adrenaline pumping in his veins, that Severus couldn't hear anything else but that.
Severus' eyes found his godson. The Death Eaters were laughing, but he couldn't hear them. Everything was moving so slowly. And Draco was standing there, frozen in shock, in fear, his face white as a sheet and his eyes wide as he stared at the spot Albus was just standing at less than a second ago.
Seeing Draco that way, snapped Severus out of his own shock. He went to him, grabbing Draco by the upper arm and pulling him close.
"Let's go," Severus hissed at him, having no idea how he managed to find his voice. "Everything is going to be alright as long as you do as I say."
Severus led Draco towards the stairs, signaling to the Death Eaters to follow them with a jut of his chin.
Without any hesitation, Bellatrix passed on ahead of them, her maniacal laughter echoing down the stairway. The Carrows followed after her, wands out, a gleeful smile on both their faces as if Christmas day had come early for both of them. Their laughter and shouts of triumph joined Bellatrix's. Greyback stayed behind Severus and Draco, his growls mixed with also a gruff and cruel laughter. It was hot and putrid against the back of Severus' neck, who wanted nothing more than to just give in to his urge of turning around and swinging, knowing that as soon as Greyback spotted Remus downstairs, he was going straight for him first.
They were just halfway down when footsteps not far behind them caused Greyback to stop and look up, a loud, predatory growl rumbling in his throat.
Harry! He must've snapped out of his own possible shock after seeing what Severus had done and was now racing down after them. Severus regretted so very much that Harry had seen him kill Albus. He never meant for that to happen, had hoped that it wouldn't happen. It just made this fake betrayal so much more worse, Harry was sure to never forget this night. And they had to move faster, Severus didn't want Harry to catch up to them.
Greyback turned around, about to move a step back up.
"No!" Severus hissed, grabbing Greyback by the back of his robes, his nostrils suddenly flaring from the foul stench coming off the werewolf.
Greyback snapped his attention back on Severus, his eyes red and dilated. Again it took Severus great control to not just knock out Greyback, not with a spell but with his own fist for ever thinking of attacking Harry again. But they couldn't leave him behind and having to carry his heavy body on the way out would be sure to slow them down.
"Remember, Potter is not to be touched. He's the Dark Lord's to deal with. Go on ahead with the others and clear the path for us!"
Guilt for sending Greyback down to attack the Order members, his colleagues and students dueling downstairs flooded through Severus, but he knew they could very well hold their own. Remus could take Greyback down any day, and with him there, he would distract the werewolf from attacking Harry.
A loud triumphant shout suddenly came from Bellatrix further down, and Severus knew she broke the barrier Greyback had put up there. The sounds of dueling were suddenly heard and just down below, they could see the glow of flying spells illuminating the stairwell.
With a bare of his fangs and a snarl, Greyback pulled himself out of Severus' grasp, pushing his way past them and down the stairs.
Severus tightened his hold on Draco and quickened their pace. As soon as they reached the entrance, a few wayward spells flew at them. Severus ducked down, shielding Draco. Suddenly a loud boom shook the castle, and a part of the ceiling began to cave-in. Screams and shouts echoed through the dust. Severus threw himself on top of Draco. Once the last of the ceiling had fallen, Severus stood back up, pulling Draco back up to his feet.
The corridor once again grew chaotic with the sounds of the battle resuming. Through the dust and debris, Severus could barely see who was there, but he knew it was a mixture of Order members, professors, and even a few students; Harry's friends.
Severus kept his gaze on the checkpoint, the staircase at the end of the corridor. Trying not to think of the possibility of Remus being trapped underneath all that rock and wood.
"Get ready to run to the stairs," he told Draco, who barely nodded with fear. "On the count of three…"
Severus suddenly raised his wand and blocked another spell from hitting them. Draco flinched at the near impact.
"Wand up!" Severus snapped at him.
Draco shakily raised his wand in defensive mode, nodding his head a bit to signify he was ready.
"One… Two… Three… Run!"
They bolted towards the stairs… A short distance that seemed so very far. And that was when Severus felt those eyes. Those hazel-green eyes that he was sure must be shining golden. Severus didn't allow himself to look for them through the chaos.
Not long ago he was laying in bed, holding Remus, kissing him, hearing him fall asleep in his arms.
Now Severus was running with Draco through the corridor, dodging spells and duelers both. Did Remus know already? That Severus had betrayed them all? Did he know? Was it anger swirling in those eyes or confusion as to why Severus was running with Draco instead of joining the fray?
"Severus!" Remus suddenly shouted, his voice was followed by a deep-throated growl from Greyback and a curse from Remus as the sounds of them dueling suddenly filled the corridor among everyone else.
As soon as they managed to reach the stairs, Severus turned around, facing the small battle.
His eyes instantly found Remus. Severus hadn't meant to, didn't want to. It would make all of this harder. Remus was by the stairs to the Astronomy tower, holding up a shield between himself and Greyback. There was someone on the floor behind Remus, someone Severus was sure had just been brutally attacked by Greyback. And with an ugly lurch in his stomach, he could see red hair underneath the blood.
Bellatrix suddenly let out another high pitch laughter as she aimed a few violent spells towards Granger and Ginny, which Sprout instantly managed to block in time. Alecto Carrow, who Sprout had been battling, took her moment of distraction and knocked Sprout off of her feet. She flew through the air and into Weasley and Longbottom, who were dueling Amycus and another Death Eater.
It snapped Severus' attention back. Time to end this battle before anyone else got seriously hurt. Harry suddenly appeared at the bottom of the steps behind Remus, both of their faces were twisted with shock and betrayal. Severus moved his gaze away, not able to see his son look at him like that, to see Remus looking at him like he was a stranger, with fear.
"It's over!" Severus shouted, raising his wand and knocking everyone who wasn't a Death Eater off their feet.
The Death Eaters immediately headed towards Severus, leaving everyone in stunned silence.
Severus then ran down the stairs, dragging Draco with him, not daring to look at any of their shocked faces… His colleagues… His students… Remus and Harry… His beloved little family… Cruelly leaving them behind with nothing but the aftermath of such a terrible betrayal.
It was Bill who ran to Remus' aid.
"Remus!" the oldest Weasley son shouted, "Are you alright?"
Remus opened his eyes, blinking away the blurriness in his vision. He felt thoroughly charred inside and out, like every nerve ending in his body was fried. The wolf whimpered with pain inside him, Remus could feel the numb shock it was in from the blast of the shield.
"How…" Remus managed to sputter out as he slowly sat up. "How did he get through?"
His heart was beating fast… Severus had run straight through to the stairs and was able to pass the barrier as if it weren't there.
The Death Eaters believe Severus is on their side, they don't know that he's really rushing to Dumbledore's and Harry's aid. And in his urgency, he hadn't seen me in time to stop me going through the barrier…
Remus told himself all of that, convinced himself all of that, refusing to think of any other possibility.
"Come on!" Bill pulled Remus back up. "Let's try again!"
They both fought their way to the staircase…
And now Greyback had Remus backed into a corner. His sharp yellow fangs were bared, his red eyes dancing with mirth.
"Ah, I was wondering when I would see you tonight, my son."
His yellow fangs dripped with Bill's blood.
Remus had his wand pointed at Greyback, ready to attack again, baring his own suddenly sharper teeth at Greyback in return, and trying not to trip over Bill's body.
Remus and Bill had just made it to the barrier when it suddenly went down, and out came two Death Eaters who rushed in and joined the battle. Bellatrix came next and went straight for Tonks and Vector. Greyback brought up the rear, red eyes glimmering as he fixated on Bill who had a cut on his cheek, inhaling the scent of blood and suddenly the vicious werewolf was on Bill. Remus had managed to pull Greyback off, but Bill had collapsed, covered in blood and unmoving. Remus had raised his wand to his enemy, ready to fight with every piece of strength he could muster up. His wolf inside his soul was howling and fighting, pulled out of its numb shock due to Greyback being so near.
Greyback sickeningly smelled of pack, Remus' wolf wanted its pack. He forced himself to swallow the sudden rush of bile coming up from his stomach at the horror and disgust of what that meant.
"I see your wolf has changed its allegiance," Greyback said through bared teeth. "You know what you have to do, you can't suppress it down forever."
Remus didn't answer him, refusing to fall for the bait.
"That bite, Rowan is waiting, your pack is waiting, allow your wolf of what it's entitled to."
Before Remus could even decide to say anything in return or just hit Greyback with a curse, a loud ominous creaking sound ripped through the air, and suddenly a part of the ceiling went down, causing Remus to throw up a shield around himself and Bill. Greyback had done the same for himself as well. Huge chunks of stone and brick were raining down on them, bouncing off their shields, and when the dust cleared, Remus saw Severus and Draco running through the corridor to the stairs.
His shield went down. "Severus!" Remus desperately screamed out, wanting to run to him, but he couldn't leave Bill unprotected with Greyback, who took down his own shield and growled, throwing a curse at Remus who blocked it just in time before it hit him in the face, managing to throw up another shield between him and the grizzled werewolf.
From behind his shield, Remus could see Severus stop just at the stairs, suddenly turning around, his black eyes surveying the scene before him. Dark obsidian eyes that had just gazed so tenderly into Remus' own just hours ago, now glittered coldly with disdain.
It caused Remus to lose his shield.
"Severus?" Remus couldn't even shout his name. Something was wrong. That wasn't his Severus.
Greyback watched Remus' reaction, laughing cruelly at the obvious heartbreak and shock and confusion on Remus' face.
"It's over!" Severus shouted.
And suddenly, every Death Eater moved as one. They lowered their wands, stepping away from the person they were battling with, and headed towards Severus.
Remus could only stare with shock, his mouth hanging open in a silent scream. No way that was an act… The way Severus was looking at all of them… Remus couldn't see the man he was so deeply in love with. Either Severus' mask was strong and he was doing this to not lose his cover or had this been the real Severus Snape all along?
And before anyone could do anything, Severus raised his wand, his eyes so full of a cold and icy cruelty as he knocked all of them off their feet.
Remus landed on his back with the air knocked out of him.
Greyback was staring down at Remus, red eyes glittering with malice. "Until next time, Lupin," he laughed, and he was gone, following the Death Eaters, Severus and Malfoy down the stairs and out of the castle.
Shock paralyzed Remus. He couldn't move. His head was lost in a fog and he couldn't believe that what had just happened was actually real. He couldn't understand what Severus' actions meant. Was that real or was he merely acting the part? It was so believable, there was no way Severus had faked that. The way he looked at all of them with such coldness, with cruelty and disdain, as if he were being bothered by meddlesome children, so detached from the battle and people getting hurt around him. He looked…frightening, as frightening and dangerous and unpredictable as Voldemort.
That man, standing at the stairs, that wasn't Severus, the one who had held Remus hours ago, the one Remus sang to just before falling asleep. There was no sign of the man he loved, no sign at all…
And suddenly Harry was running past Remus, snapping Remus out of his shock. He pulled himself up and ran after his cub.
"Harry! Harry, wait!"
Remus wasn't sure what Harry would find if he managed to catch up to Severus, his dad or his enemy. Severus acting undercover or a traitor.
But a hand grabbed Remus, pulling him back. It was Tonks.
"Remus! Remus, it's Bill!"
Once they burst through the large doors and carried onto the grounds, the cool night air was like a fiery slap to the face. Severus just held onto Draco, he just kept breathing through lungs that felt as if they were on fire, trying not to think, trying not to feel, trying to pretend that he was almost going to pass out from overexertion of running for so long rather than it being a panic attack from what he had done tonight.
They were now nearing Hagrid's hut, meaning they weren't very far from the gates. They were almost there, almost there… Draco started falling behind. He hadn't said a word. Only watched, only did as he was told. Even when Bellatrix had destroyed the dining hall. Draco only watched with paralyzed fear.
Severus just kept pulling his godson forward.
"Dad! Dad! Stop running and fight back! Stop!"
That voice behind them, so full of desperation and anger and hurt and gut-wrenching panic, the very fact that Harry was still calling him dad… It ripped through the air and tore Severus' heart apart. He would've barely held on through the approaching days after this terrible night, barely living with his own guilt and pain if Harry hadn't followed, hadn't called out to him like that. Now, Severus just wanted to be hit with the killing curse, to be put out of his misery that very moment. The pain he caused to his son, Severus had to bite his tongue to keep from screaming out at the thought of still living from this point on.
"Oh, it's itty bitty Potter, chasing after his daddy!" Bellatrix sang out, skipping back towards Severus and Draco.
"Dad! Stop! Please, stop!"
Fuck! I can't have Harry following us out of the gates!
A spell shot towards them, whizzing through the air. Severus stopped and turned to block it just in time. It bounced back to Harry, knocking him off his feet, giving Severus time to shove Draco forward.
"I'll take care of Potter! Run as fast as you can to the gates," Severus said to the Death Eaters. "Apparate to Malfoy Manor, all of you!"
Severus then looked at Draco, whose eyes were wide and staring at Harry who was slowly getting up from his fall. Severus pushed his godson to the Carrows. "Go, Draco! I'll be right behind you!"
"Itty bitty Potter has lost his daddy!" Bellatrix sang out again as the Death Eaters did as told, taking Draco with them.
"Go!" Severus snarled at Bellatrix.
She glared at him with her heavy-lidded eyes and ran, suddenly stopping only to cast Hagrid's hut on fire with a scream of laughter and madness, then racing on ahead to join the others towards the gates.
Before Severus could even sigh out with annoyance at Bellatrix's destruction of the school tonight, another spell suddenly shot from Harry who was now back on his feet.
Severus blocked it, walking straight towards his son, black robes billowing around his feet, arranging his face into his most perfect Death Eater mask, the very one Severus had used on Draco months ago. Making sure his eyes were as cold as dark tunnels that have never been touched by the warmth of the sun, making sure his face was so twisted with hatred, cruelty and even a touch of madness. Making sure that when Harry looked at him, he would know that this was the real version of the Severus Snape that he'd been hiding all along.
And it worked, of course it worked, as talented as Severus was. Harry flinched, stepping back, his green eyes were so full of fear and shock and disbelief, and so much pain and anger. He was shaking hard, Severus could see the spasms from where he was. And the spells that Harry was throwing at Severus were coming out so desperately, causing his aim to be severely off.
Severus just kept blocking each spell with each step towards Harry. He was firing them so quickly and erratically, Severus couldn't find the chance to stun him.
And so another idea came to mind, a horrid one that Severus did not want to try, but what was the point anymore? He had no other choice. Everything was done. Everything between them was over. Might as well make it all believable, to keep Harry away, to keep him safe. To prevent him from even suspecting that Severus had to do this for the war. To ensure the safety of Albus' stupid but brilliant plan.
Channeling his old feelings of hatred and resentment Severus had once felt for James Potter's son, the boy who wore the face of his enemy, but yet, painfully had Lily's eyes. The bright-green eyes of his best friend. And everytime those eyes would look at Severus, the pain and guilt would wash over him, pain and guilt that had laid dormant and numb in his heart for years suddenly becoming stronger and fresh as if Lily had died because of Severus just yesterday.
And when Severus was near enough, he pushed those old feelings forward, allowing the emotions to come out in his voice as he spat out, "You're allowing your emotions to affect your attacks, Potter! I know I've taught you better than that! But of course, you never listen! You always have walked around this school, thinking rules don't apply to you, famous Harry Potter! As arrogant and lazy, attention-seeking little brat, just like James Potter!"
It hurt to say all of that, Merlin, it was like a blade had been stabbed into Severus' heart and he wanted to pull it out himself, that way he could just bleed out and die. Anything was better than having to hear himself say those cruel things to his son, to have to see the pain in Harry's eyes, to see him flinching at the way Severus spat out his name with such hatred.
Harry's attacks grew faster as Severus spoke, and Severus blocked each one with ease. And Harry didn't know, he didn't know the guilt and agony Severus was in, it was all hidden underneath the false hatred and coldness and madness in Severus' eyes, in his voice, in his twisted face. He just had to keep Harry from following him out of the gates, he needed Harry to stay safe on the grounds of Hogwarts. The last thing Severus needed was to lead Harry straight to the Dark Lord's clutches, and this was the only way Severus could desperately think of doing, to hit Harry where it hurt the most, forcing him to stop chasing after Severus.
"You coward! How could you! How could you! Dumbledore trusted you! I trusted you!" Harry shouted back, his voice shaking with anger. He shot another curse at Severus, and this time the aim was true. "Remus trusted you!"
Severus managed to block the curse just in time, and he screamed out, spittle spraying from his mouth, "Don't you dare call me a coward!" Allowing himself to sound thoroughly offended and angry and unhinged, and feeling a bit of panic that Harry still wasn't backing off, he didn't want this to turn into a full-on duel. He was sure he sounded just as mad as Bellatrix Lestrange in that moment, seeing the fear on Harry's face as he screamed out.
Harry stepped back, although he kept his attacks going. Severus let out another scream of rage.
"This whole time!" Harry shouted over Severus. "This whole time!" He sent more and more curses at Severus as he spoke. "I believed you!" Harry's voice cracked. "I believed you! Stop blocking me and fight back you fucking coward!"
And when Severus didn't, Harry screamed out with frustration and anger, "Sectumsempra!"
"No!" Severus shouted with panic and fury, immediately blocking that dark curse with a curse of his own.
A curse that flew through the air so fast, Harry couldn't block it and it slapped him hard in the face, causing him to fall flat on his back with a shout.
"No, Potter! Don't you dare use my own spell against me!" Severus quickly disarmed Harry, sending his wand flying across the field, getting lost somewhere in the darkness.
Severus stood over Harry who was looking up at him with paralyzed fear. His green eyes were wide and full of anger, glimmering with unbearable anguish that Severus had to force himself to not look away. He felt himself shaking just as hard as Harry was, so hard that he felt as if his knees might give out from underneath him. His heart was breaking into a million little pieces, and his chest was so tight that he could barely take in a breath.
And the very fact that Harry was angry and hurt enough to want Severus dead. Severus couldn't blame him. How else was Harry supposed to react from such a cruel and terrible betrayal? Severus very well deserved that spell to hit him, deserved to get sliced into pieces, just like how he sliced up Harry's heart, broke his trust, how he was sure how torn apart Remus must be feeling as well.
Severus had promised Harry countless times throughout the past year that he would never hurt him, especially not in the way the Dursleys once had. What Severus had done tonight, was so much worse than what those muggles could have ever done to Harry. This was all so much worse…but it was the only way to get Harry to back off. That curse Severus had hit Harry with was a literal fiery slap in the face, hurting Harry as much as if Severus would have struck him with his own hand.
"Dad…" Harry choked out, tears streaming down from his eyes, a hand to his reddened and stinging cheek.
"No! Don't you dare call me your father! Don't you dare call me a coward! You don't know the half of what I've done this past year, having to keep my cover, having to put up with that old fool! Having to play happy family with you and that werewolf! Don't you dare use my own spell against me! Just like your pathetic father and his fucking friends! Using spells I've created against me! Taking my brilliance away from me!"
Harry gasped out when he realized what Severus meant.
Severus pointed his wand at Harry, twisting his face in a snarl. He was sure without a doubt that he looked every bit as insane, even more than what Bellatrix Lestrange could ever do.
The flames of Hagrid's hut roared from behind them in the distance, and the sounds of Hagrid rescuing his dog from the flames. Harry's breaths were coming out in short gasps, the signs of an oncoming panic attack. Severus was just glad Hagrid was nearby for Harry once Severus made his escape.
"Yes, Potter, I'm the Half-Blood Prince, now you know, now you know the true version of me I've been hiding. We are finally free of each other!"
Harry didn't respond, Severus was sure he couldn't and he realized he succeeded. Harry was down, and with Hagrid nearby, he won't be able to follow him anymore.
"Harry! Harry, where are you?!"
That voice, full of panic… Severus looked up to see Remus in the distance. Remus must've seen him too because he bolted towards them.
"Get away from him!" Remus shouted with fury, his words ending with a growl.
Severus realized he still had his wand on Harry. He lowered it, stepping back.
A spell from Remus suddenly shot through the air, and Severus turned and ran off towards the gates before it could hit him.
Hagrid's shouts in the distance and Fang barking, the sound of another spell whizzing towards him from Remus. Severus kept running, not daring to look back at his son, at his boyfriend, because if he did, Severus was very sure that his knees would buckle from underneath him and he would fall to the ground and he wouldn't be able to pull himself up.
The gates were so close, just a spurt of speed and he'll be able to Disapparate. Severus was confident that Remus wouldn't follow him after that, he wouldn't leave Harry alone.
More spells fired from behind him, but all Severus could see were Albus' blue eyes, all he could hear was him whispering to him to keep running, whispering in his ear that everything was going to be okay. Everything that happened tonight, was all for the greater good. Everything that happened tonight, was supposed to happen as it should…
And everything…the fate of the wizarding world, of the light side chasing away the darkness… It was now all on Severus' shoulders. It was all up to him, the ending to this war. The ending Albus had worked so hard for, fought for, died for, forced Severus into a murderer for, a traitor for, sacrificed his family for….
Severus reached the gates, with one last spell going over his head.
And Albus was whispering…
To trust him…trust him that everything was going to be okay… Trust him that in the end, Harry was going to understand. Remus was going to understand. In the end, they would know why Severus had to do what he'd done tonight.
As soon as Severus raced past the wards, he Disapparated without sparing another second.
The world was swaying as Harry covered his face with his hands, his cheek burning from being struck. The world was swaying as if he were back on that rickety old boat with Dumbledore over that black lake filled with Inferi.
"Harry! Harry!"
A voice shouting his name. Harry couldn't recognize it.
His chest was tight, so tight, his lungs fighting for air. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, Harry realized with panic. His short breaths sounded loud and ragged in his ears.
Had he fallen into the Inferi-filled lake and never resurfaced? Had those white, cold and slimy hands dragged him down to the furthest, darkest depths, and all of this wasn't real? Just some nightmare-fueled version of hell underneath that lake?
"Harry! Breathe for me, please!" The voice shouted above him.
Harry felt those hands, pulling him, tearing at him, taking him…white, cold and slimy hands.
Hands that hurt.
Hands that strike with fiery pain.
Hands that were large enough to wrap around his entire neck and squeeze.
Harry shouted out with fear.
"Harry, cub! It's me, Remus, papa! It's me!"
A gentle hand held Harry's own, warm and soft, placing it over something that was beating.
"Breathe," the voice said. "In and then out, in and then out…"
Harry felt his hand move up and down.
"Follow my breaths, focus on my heartbeat. It's me, cub. It's Remus. I'm still here."
Harry followed the motion, focused on the beating heart underneath his hand, until he finally took a breath. A deep shuddering breath that turned into a heart-wrenching sob when he recognized Remus' glistening hazel eyes, full of anguish, peering worriedly at him.
This wasn't some strange version of hell under an Inferi-filled lake. Harry wasn't on that rickety boat with Dumbledore anymore.
This was real, what had happened was all real…and what Severus had done, what he had said… It was all real!
Harry brought his hand back to his stinging cheek. Dark eyes that looked at Harry with affection only hours ago, strong arms that hugged Harry tight, begging Harry to be safe tonight, just before he and Dumbledore left the castle… Cold, unrecognizable eyes glittering with madness and hatred…
We are finally free of each other! Severus' last words to Harry echoed in his head. He never thought Severus had felt so trapped with him… He thought…that…he thought…
"I love you too, kid, no matter what."
Even this? Harry thought, and a wave of unbearable loss and agony washed over him. Dad…no…no…no!
And Harry cried harder than he ever did in his entire life, feeling his heart breaking so painfully, that he feared he would stop breathing again.
Remus wrapped his arms around Harry tight, his voice cracking with emotion, whispering in Harry's ear… "You're safe, you're safe, cub, I've got you, I've got you. You still have me."
Severus appeared in the middle of a forest with a loud pop.
The Forest of Dean.
The last time he was here…
Harry's face swam in Severus' head, chasing away Albus' comforting blue eyes. The only person in the world who knew Severus was innocent was dead and gone forever.
Remus' voice, calling for Severus, for help, for an explanation, chased away all of Albus' whispers.
The way Remus had panicked when he saw Severus standing over Harry. He really believed at that moment that Severus would hurt their kid, but Severus did… He shattered Harry into pieces, forced him into a panic attack to keep him from following him.
How could Harry and Remus ever understand? Murdering Albus, all of the foul things Severus had spat out at Harry, the spell that struck him across the face…
How could they ever get past all of that?
How could they ever understand?
How?
Pain welled up inside Severus. It was like a wave, a tidal wave, and before it could crash down onto him and sweep him off his feet, drown him until he was lost in darkness and endless water, no sense of up or down, no surface to swim to, to search for, to fight for, Severus turned into his Animagus form and ran through the trees.
Severus ran and he ran.
A midnight-black wolf pelting through the trees and up a steep slope until the sound of falling water drowned every sound of the forest out.
Once Severus reached the shore of the pool, he stopped in his tracks, water swirling over black paws as he stood on shaking legs. And raising his head, he let out a mournful howl, looking up at the falling water as he turned back into a human. Severus fell to his knees with a strangled cry that turned into a scream.
He punched the pebbly shore with his fist, grunting out in pain from the impact of stones scraping skin. Screaming out his shattered heart, screaming out those hazel-green eyes that Severus had felt on his back. Screaming out the image of Harry laying on the grass, calling him dad, sounding so scared and betrayed, the anger and hurt in his son's voice, the tears streaming from his green eyes. Screamed out at the way Remus sounded so angry and panicked, shouting at Severus to get away from Harry and immediately chasing after him, attacking him…
Severus screamed it all out at the sky, at the roaring waterfall, at the fading stars, allowing the tidal wave of grief to sweep him off of his feet. Punching the ground over and over until his knuckles bled, until he was sure his hand was broken. But he didn't care. Right now, that very moment, Remus and Harry were probably hurting way much worse than his hand. And Severus wanted to die. He wanted to die. He couldn't do it, the pain of his betrayal was so much worse than he'd ever imagined it would be.
Severus screamed until his vocal cords were strained and sore, until he was left dry-heaving for breath, until he understood why Harry resorted to self-harm to deal with his trauma. The physical pain of Severus' hand, it numbed the pain inside like a temporary fix, a bandage. He stared out into the pool, cradling his hand to his chest. The relief to just go in and never resurface, to drown himself and not have to exist anymore, to never see the rising sun ever again, to not have to feel anymore, to not have to face the consequences of tonight…
It was all so very tempting.
But Severus couldn't do it, because then this would all just be for nothing. The purpose of this terrible night was to make sure Albus' great plan would succeed, to rid the wizarding world of the Dark Lord.
Even in death, Albus still had Severus trapped.
Severus hung his head. Curtains of his dark hair covering his face. There was no way out of this, no end to this, and he screamed out again, his screams turning into sobs at the thought, deep gut-wrenching sobs…
It took so long for Harry to open up to Severus, to trust him, now all of that was gone. It took so long for Remus to allow himself to fall in love again, he told Severus they were soulmates, now all of that was gone…
What were they doing right now? Were they comforting each other? Oh what Severus wouldn't give to just go to his boyfriend and son and pull them into his arms and whisper over and over again how so very sorry he was, that he hadn't meant to hurt them this way.
Once Severus was finally spent from crying, he settled on the giant rock that jutted over the water, the same one Severus had trained Harry to duel, the very one Severus had found Harry after a suicide attempt almost a year ago. He sat down, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his face into his lap. He was numb, so very and completely numb.
He stayed there for hours, until the sun had started to rise and began to climb up high into the sky. But Severus didn't see its light, didn't see its rays causing the water to glimmer. It was all so dark, so quiet, so peaceful, so heavy, it was hard to believe that Severus had lost everything that was so dear to him.
A loud pop suddenly broke the silence. Footsteps crunched on the foliage covered ground. Severus had no idea who it was, and he didn't care to turn around to check. Didn't care if they were a friend or foe, didn't care if they were here to attack him. Nothing worse could ever be done to Severus now. The world had already ended for him.
"Severus," the voice rang out from behind him, chasing away the peaceful silence of the forest.
Severus wasn't sure what she was doing here, how she'd even found him. He didn't respond to Narcissa, only quickly and quietly wiped his face with his uninjured hand so she wouldn't see his tears. Uncurling his body and stretching his legs, allowing his feet to hang over the edge of the rock. Just mustering up a bit of strength to put back on his mask, an emotionless, loyal Severus Snape, most-trusted servant who killed Albus Dumbledore for the Dark Lord… Severus inwardly shuttered at this version of himself… Shuttered at the thought that this was what he had once wanted, dreamed of being…
Narcissa sat beside him. Severus only kept his gaze straight ahead, his body suddenly tense and on his guard, his wand in his good hand, ready to defend himself if needed.
But instead of attacking, Narcissa only arranged her robes so they wouldn't crease as she sat, sighing out softly and saying, "You did what you had to do."
Caught off guard, this wasn't what Severus was expecting from her. "Why the fuck are you here?" he spat out venomously.
Severus had to give the woman credit for not flinching at his tone. Narcissa only stared at him with cool, gray eyes, and in them, Severus found sympathy. It surprised him. He glared at her, not trusting her, then Severus turned his attention away, keeping himself staring out at the waterfall again.
"I thought you hated me, shouldn't you be off celebrating the success of the Dark Lord's task?"
"Your hand…" Narcissa pointed out instead of answering him. "That looks rather painful. I know a few healing spells, may I?"
Severus scowled at that. "No," he said coldly.
If it weren't for the fiery pain that shot through his hand every time he moved it an inch, he would've stuffed it into his pockets out of sight. Instead he just clutched his injured hand close to himself. The blood drying and becoming tacky on his skin. And Severus felt a welt of pain in his heart when he realized he wouldn't be able to go to the hospital wing this time to get it healed, won't be able to bear the brunt of Madam Pomfrey's caring scolding ever again. Another dear friend and colleague Severus lost tonight.
"Don't be ridiculous now, Severus, your hand looks broken, and I think it's still bleeding."
Severus stubbornly shook his head. "Go to your son, I'm sure he needs you right now."
"Draco's okay, he's with Lucius."
Severus only scowled with annoyance at her answer, not saying anything else. He didn't want her company, anyone's company. He just wanted to be left alone and wallow in his self-pity, in his pain. He just needed a bit more time to be himself and grieve for Albus' death, for the loss of his family, his life… Just a few hours more before he had to go to Malfoy Manor and act the part as the Dark Lord's favorite servant. Maybe if he stopped speaking, Narcissa would grow tired and leave. But Severus could feel her watching him, irritating him even more with each passing second.
"Severus… I'm sorry for what you lost tonight…"
"Can you just fucking go!" Severus shouted.
"No, I have to talk to you… Just listen to what I have to say, then you will leave this place with me."
Severus sighed out loudly with annoyance and defeat.
"I know you're not loyal to the Dark Lord, you never have been."
It took everything in Severus to not react to that. He kept himself controlled, his face passive. Giving nothing away. She was reminding Severus so much of Draco at the moment. Draco had told Severus the exact same thing once, and he was right. Narcissa was right. Severus' loyalty, his heart, it was with Harry, it was with Remus. If Narcissa and Draco could see that, who else could? Maybe, Severus wasn't as talented at hiding his true loyalties as he thought he was.
"Prove it," Severus only snarled.
"I don't need to. It's the truth. I know that even though you were forced into taking Potter under your care, you ended up seeing him as your own child."
Severus didn't answer, just kept his eyes straight ahead, not really caring what she had to say, but he was still listening. He just wanted to be bloody left alone!
"I knew, but I never said anything. An accusation such as that, it's dangerous, especially after what happened in the summer, after I got punished for trying to debunk your status with the Dark Lord… I learned my lesson… Now after what you did tonight, he can no longer doubt your loyalty, no one can… The Dark Lord is waiting for you, Severus, waiting to reward you."
Severus still kept silent.
"You don't have to admit anything, just know that I still hate you, but that doesn't mean that I don't admire you. You have the guts to do what I couldn't, to protect Draco from failing his task. I know you killed Albus Dumbledore for more than just that task, I know you've been working undercover with him to protect Potter, but I'm not going to ask anything about it. I don't want to know. The only thing I care about is my son's safety, and I'm very sure that you still care for Potter's… I'm not as brave as you, Severus, nor as smart or talented, but you will need an ally."
At that, Severus whipped his attention back on the aristocratic woman. "What the bloody hell are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I don't want Draco to die for this war, I don't want him growing up in a world where the Dark Lord rules either, and I'm confident that you feel the same way for your godson and for Potter. I know you're fighting to prevent that and I can help you."
"How do I know that I can trust you?" Severus said, eyes narrowing with suspicion.
"The Unbreakable Vow, cast it on me," Narcissa proposed.
It was so tempting to agree and bind Narcissa to him, as she had done to Severus to ensure Draco's protection, but Severus couldn't do it. He couldn't trap her like Albus had trapped him, as the Dark Lord had done, even Narcissa herself. Severus hated feeling bonded to people, always having to be forced into doing their dirty work. He couldn't bear doing that to anyone else, even someone he hated so very much, someone he could barely trust, someone like Narcissa. The only good thing about Albus dying was the vice-like tendrils on his arm. The invisible tendrils of Narcissa's Unbreakable Vow suddenly setting Severus free.
"No, that won't be necessary. I know how much you love your son, what you would do for him… I understand now…" Severus stopped, still not trusting Narcissa enough to give anything away. To not voice out loud how he now understood the lengths a parent would go for their child. What he now felt for Harry. What he would do for his son. "I'll have to trust that," was what Severus ended up saying.
Narcissa nodded thoughtfully. "Come back with me. The Dark Lord is waiting. They are all waiting to celebrate. We must keep up appearances."
"You've always been very good at that, Narcissa, keeping up appearances… A specialty of yours."
Narcissa only raised an elegant eyebrow at him.
Severus only huffed with defeat, then shakily gave Narcissa his broken hand.
"You're in luck, a mother always knows a few healing spells, especially with little boys who are always prone to breaking bones."
Once she was done, Severus sighed with relief from the pain, but now that it was gone, the pain in his heart, in his soul, was as worse than ever. The heavy weight of what he'd done… Severus felt like he was still drowning from that tidal wave of pain and guilt and regret and loss.
"Ready?"
"I can't…" Severus' voice cracked, his mask dangerously slipping. Something that has never happened before, even during his worst punishments under the Dark Lord's wand. It scared him, Severus wasn't sure if he could get up and go with her and act like the perfect, evil, most trusted servant that killed Albus Dumbledore. But they were expecting him. His time of grieving was up. And Severus felt like he was losing Harry and Remus all over again. Watching the green light hit Albus all over again.
Narcissa stood up, dusting herself off, looking as elegant and beautiful as ever. "Get up, Snape, We'll go together. We'll fight for our sons together."
She was right. They had to go, Severus had to take her hand, her offer, because right now it seemed as if Narcissa may be the only ally Severus could trust at the moment. He might need her, it was clear they were both fighting for the same thing.
Severus took her offered hand, pulling himself together so that when they both arrived at Malfoy Manor, his mask was firmly set once again… Emotionless, cold, talented, strong Severus Snape, the Dark Lord's most trusted and favorite servant, the one who managed to kill Albus Dumbledore… And no one would ever know that Severus had just spent the past few hours screaming out his shattered heart at the sky.
A/N: This chapter broke me! I hope everyone is okay after all this heartbreak. Anyways please let me know your feedback, it would be greatly appreciated. Next chapter will be by November. Just keep checking because the fanfiction site hasn't been sending out alerts. One or two more chapters left.
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