This story now updates on Archive of Our Own only.

My username and the story title are the same over there. The story is NOT locked to users only so can be viewed without needing an AO3 account. There are more chapters posted there already as well.

Sorry to anyone who is disappointed by this :( but posting here has become quite draining (variety of reasons) and I hope that if you have been enjoying this story you'll check it out over there!

The Fourth Month

The next day marked the beginning of a new month and began with a familiar pain. The stabbing in his heart he felt when he woke was more severe than ever. Considering how sore his chest had been after the scan ended yesterday, he put the extra pain down to a combination of that and lack of sleep. He'd been right when he expected his nightmares would worsen. As the initial flare of pain faded, he found that the ache was back as well.

What the scientists had discovered had shaken Sora to his core. He felt more empty and wretched than he had in weeks, and when Riku woke up his heart fell at the sight of that hollow look in Sora's eyes.

They lapsed into their usual routine for the worst days, of video games and lying in bed together. Riku felt agitated though. There was an uncomfortable heat sitting in his stomach. Even through the miserable fog Sora could sense something was wrong and was fairly sure he knew what was bothering Riku. It was bothering him too.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," he mumbled late that morning, breaking the heavy silence. He felt the muscles in the arm he was leaning against tense, but Riku didn't respond. "About the pain getting better, and when it started, I mean."

"We don't have to talk about it right now." Riku's jaw was clenched and his eyes fixed resolutely on the game in his hands. He didn't want to talk about this today, not on one of these days when existing was already painful enough for Sora.

"I just didn't-"

"Didn't want me to worry. I know." He needed him to know he was upset about him hiding the truth, maybe even angry with him. They needed to talk about this. But not right now. He didn't want to get mad and make today worse for him. But Sora pushed on.

"Yeah, and I shouldn't have done that." When Riku didn't reply Sora sat up and shifted so he could face him. "I'm really sorry." But Riku just kept staring intently at the GS in his hands, and it was obvious he wasn't paying attention to the game at all. His silence was making Sora anxious. "Come on Riku, say something?"

Riku sighed and put the game down. "I don't know what to say though Sora... Every time I think you've stopped doing this I find out there's something else you've been trying to hide." A wave of guilt washed over Sora, and his shoulders sagged beneath the disappointment he felt in himself. "Let's talk about this on a better day, OK?" Riku pleaded.

Sora shook his head though. "No, we should talk about it now." He was speaking quietly at the bedspread, looking down instead of at Riku's face. "You've told me before that I shouldn't pretend I'm fine when I'm not, and then I keep doing it." He paused, then continued in a stronger voice. "I've been thinking about it, and I never really realised how often I did it before. It always made me sad or angry when other people did that, but then I didn't really think there was anything bad about it when I did it. But I think I get it now... "

Riku gazed at him, taken completely by surprise. He didn't say anything though, letting Sora finish his piece.

"It doesn't help anyone when I do it. It hurts you, and it hurts me. If I care so much about you all I shouldn't pretend everything is fine when I'm hurting, and If I'd talked to you about this sooner maybe things wouldn't have gotten this bad. So..." He raised his head and looked Riku in the eye, fixing him with a resolute stare. "I don't want to keep doing that anymore. I promise I'm going to try and stop doing it."

Riku sometimes forgot that, despite the jokes people made about him not being the smartest person around, Sora had always been a deep thinker. Definitely not a genius, but smart in his own way. There was a lot going on in his head most of the time, even if he didn't always come off that way. Clearly, this was something he had been putting a lot of thought into.

Riku beamed at him. "That's great Sora. I'm really glad, thank you."

Sora managed a small smile as well, but then it disappeared and he dropped his gaze. "Are you still angry with me?" he mumbled.

Riku sat up and put a hand on his arm. "No, I'm not." Sora's shoulders sagged again, but this time with relief, and Riku pressed a kiss to his temple. "Can you promise me one other thing though?"

Sora looked back up at him. "What?"

"Do this for you, not for me and the others?" Sora seemed confused by this, and Riku had to hold back a sigh. "Sora, you care so much about people, it's one of the things that makes you so amazing." Sora averted his eyes, the compliment he felt he didn't deserve making him suddenly self-conscious. Riku continued though. "It's one of the reasons I love you so much. But I wish you cared that much about yourself as well."

He reached out and ran a hand through Sora's hair, wondering if he'd ever manage to convince him of this. "You matter, and deserve to be happy, just as much as all those people you care about."

Sora was quiet for a while, trying to fit what Riku was saying into all his previous pondering of this problem. This wasn't the first time Riku had said something like this, and Aqua had told him similar things before. He had told others similar things before. He nodded slowly. "OK, I'll try."

"Thanks." Riku smiled softly and put his arm around him, pulling him back into the pillows. With Sora lying on his chest again they lapsed into a much more comfortable silence. It was still a bad day, a day that was harder and harder for Sora to live through as the hours dragged on. But right then they both felt a little better, and a little closer than ever before.

For several more days, that empty ache in his chest was constant, and his nightmares vivid. The light stopped appearing in his eyes each morning and for a short while Riku was terrified he may have undone all of Sora's progress by asking him to go through with the scan. But it was short-lived, and soon he was back to how he had been before his three-day induced sleep in the lab.

This was largely due to his improving physical health. The strength in his arm was constantly building, and his energy had returned to the point where he could join Riku on his daily runs. Well, he joined every second day, and hated how much slower he was now but, as Riku pointed out, it was an enormous improvement compared to the last few months. Not only was he getting better, but his health was returning at a faster rate than ever before. He couldn't duel with them yet, but he even managed to join Ven and Kairi occasionally when they trained.

It had taken a long time, but he was beginning to feel like himself again.

With Sora now healthy enough to make the trip he, Kairi, and Riku, decided it was time to visit the place that used to be their home.

They went to the main island just once, and only briefly. Their families and old friends had long ago realised that there was more happening in the lives of these three than they could ever understand, and they had no way of knowing when, or even if, they would be back permanently. It hurt their families deeply to know this, but by now they had accepted this was just how things were. They pleaded with them to try and visit a little more though.

Neither Kairi nor Sora felt ready to spend much time back there, and Sora didn't want to be there long enough for anyone to notice his still subpar health. After almost two years of no contact, and not being able to get a straight answer out of Riku or Kairi about why Sora didn't join them on their occasional visits, Sora's family had begun to question if they would ever see him again. The emotional reunion this resulted in proved almost too much for Sora to cope with.

He loved his parents and had missed them, but after everything that had happened felt a strange disconnect. Maybe the combination of losing himself in his dreams, and then being cast from this world had damaged that connection. None of this was helped by the crippling guilt he felt after causing them so much pain and worry. One day he would repair those relationships and let them have their son back. But right now just wasn't the right time.

Before they left Kairi took great pleasure in getting to be the one to tell their old school friends about Sora and Riku's relationship. They were universally dumbstruck having barely seen them since they were about 14, and the boys still seemed to spend much of their time competing for her affection. Finding it particularly adorable, it took Selphie quite a while to stop squealing.

For at least a month Donald, Goofy, and Mickey had been asking them all to visit, using the possibility of getting his own Keyblade armour as a way to tempt Sora. Until recently visiting other worlds had been out of the question, but their trips to Radiant Garden and the Island had proved he was physically and mentally capable of travelling again. So he, Riku, Kairi, and Ven decided it was time for a trip to Disney Castle and Town.

Even so, Sora had been nervous about the two day trip, the thought of spending hours on end with so many people bringing back that urge to retreat and hide, to curl up in his room where no one could find him. When Donald and Goofy almost bowled him over as he left the Gummi ship a knot twisted in his stomach. But as they hugged him tightly, he felt it begin to loosen, and a warmth expanding in his chest. A laugh escaped him as he started grinning and hugged them back. Three half-pints, together again.

After Minnie and Mickey showed them the rooms they would be staying in overnight, they left the Castle for the main town.

Sora and Kairi had never visited the town in Donald and Goofy's world, having only spent a little time at Disney Castle in the past. Riku had spent plenty of time there by now and waved to many familiar faces as he accompanied the others on the tour they were being given. The last time Ven had been there was over 11 years ago, but it seemed like very little had changed in that time. It was still a vibrant, colourful, and joyful place to be. The only real difference was the lack of decorations.

"Minnie? Wasn't there some kind of festival happening last time I was here?" he asked as they wandered through the streets and town square.

"Oh yes Ven! That would have been the Dream Festival." She stopped and turned to them all, a brilliant smile on her face. "In fact, the festival is happening again in just a few weeks! If I remember correctly you, Aqua, and Terra were a great help when we were preparing last time."

Ven grinned, flattered Minnie remembered. "That was fun! Do you need any help this year?"

"Yes please!" And she pulled a list of jobs from her pocket that she had written as soon as Mickey told her they would be visiting.

As they explored the town Riku and Sora seemed to orbit each other, as though an invisible elastic band connected them. The further it stretched the more intense the pull to the other seemed to be. Sora would be walking with Donald and Goofy, then glance over his shoulder and immediately drop back when he saw Riku just a few feet too far away.

Riku held his hand and kept as close to him as he could, reluctantly letting go every now and then when Sora got distracted by something new and exciting and dashed over to whatever had caught his, Kairi, or Ven's eye. Each time Sora would realise a few seconds later Riku wasn't by his side, and turn back anxiously to check he was still close by.

It didn't take long for Riku to notice, and realise it probably wasn't a good thing that neither of them seemed able to stay calm the moment the other was out of their sight. Then again, he thought, a little codependence right now seemed a small price to pay for Sora to get through his sickness.

Their hand-holding also didn't go unnoticed by Donald and Goofy. They, like everyone else, already knew Riku and Sora were a couple. But seeing it in person resulted in much tittering about how their little Sora was all grown up now, and Kairi quickly joined in with their gossiping.

Before Minnie began assigning them tasks (they were starting to wonder if maybe there had been an ulterior motive in their invitation, though were still very happy to help) they paid Chip and Dale a visit in their workshop, so Sora could finally get his own armour.

As he held the small dome up to his wrist a metal plate appeared on top of his glove. He beamed at the others, took a deep breath, and slammed the button. In a flash of light, the armour materialised around him, enveloping his entire body. He hadn't expected it to be so comfortable, and so light. Despite being encased in metal he could move completely normally, the sheets of metal sliding smoothly over each other. It didn't even feel cold against his skin.

He twisted back and forth to get a better look at himself and heard a satisfying chorus of "whoooahs" from everyone watching. He looked up and threw his arms out wide in front of them and they all knew he was grinning like an idiot, even though his face was covered. "How's it look?" he asked eagerly.

"Not too bad," Riku said, crossing his arms and beaming at him in his gold, red, and silver armour, with his helmet and pauldrons adorned with crown-shaped fins. "Not too bad at all."

Once he was satisfied that everyone had admired him enough, Sora remembered the one thing he had been even more excited about than the armour. His own glider. So excited in fact that he leapt on to it the moment it materialised, either ignoring or not hearing the instructions Chip and Dale had begun to reel off. He proceeded to fly straight into the closest wall, much to everyone's horror, and then amusement when he jumped straight back up and whooped. "That was amazing!" he yelled out as he turned back to them all, and Riku raised a hand to his head, shaking it with exasperation at both Sora, and how much he loved him at that moment.

After Sora's less than perfect start to flying Chip and Dale were quite insistent that he stay there and learn the basics of glider control much more thoroughly. Sora was more than happy to oblige, already in love with the feeling of flying it. He was, however, less happy when he realised the others, and specifically Riku, wouldn't also be hanging around. Riku's stomach clenched as well when Minnie asked if he could help with some of the set-up for the Rumble Racing course on the other side of town. It would only be a few hours though, surely they could handle that?

"Meet back at our room later once you're done here? 5 o'clock?"

"Yep!" Sora said with a note of anxiety in his voice, giving him a tight hug before he and the others left.

Setting up the Rumble Racing course turned out to be a bigger task than Riku had anticipated. By the time he'd finished the jobs on Minnies list he realised he'd lost track of time and was late to meet Sora. He hurried back, and when he arrived found the door to their room partially open, so pushed it the rest of the way without bothering to knock. "Hey, sorry, that took longer than-" He stopped short, as he realised the room was empty. "Sora?" he called out, guessing he was in the bathroom. But the door to their ensuite was open as well, and it was just as empty.

Panic gripped him.

He was over half an hour late already, Sora should be here by now. He had just been testing out his glider, he shouldn't have been held up by anything. But he wasn't here. Why wasn't he here?

He sprinted from the room, a hundred scenarios playing out in his head as he ran. Had something gone wrong with his glider? He'd crashed more seriously? His heart pain suddenly struck far worse than ever before?

He made for the courtyard that led through to the workshop, tearing past startled citizens and walking broomsticks. What if he'd faded away again? Gone without a trace, no one knowing where he could have disappeared to or how to find him again. The corridor was a white blur around him and there was a ringing in his ears. He tasted acid in his throat.

But then he rounded a corner and there he was. Standing in the middle of the courtyard. Standing with their friends, laughing with Donald, Ven, and Goofy as they watched Kairi trying to figure out how to use the ice cream machine.

Completely fine. Still here.

Sora turned and beamed at him. "Riku!" Thrilled he was finally back, he started waving and jogging over. Riku sprinted to meet him and grabbed a hold of his shoulders, much more roughly than he should have.

"Why weren't you in our room!?"

"Didn't you get my message? Donald said you'd be late so I thought I'd wait out here."

Idiot! In his panic Riku hadn't even thought to check his phone and call him, his mind jumping straight to the worst instead. His heart was thundering far harder than it should have been after such a short run. Sora's smile became a worried frown. "What's wrong?"

"I... Nothing." He dropped his hands from Sora's shoulders and looked away quickly, avoiding Sora's gaze as he tried to force his breathing back to a normal rate. Thankfully none of the others seemed to have noticed the strangeness of their interaction, preoccupied with Kairi swearing at the machine she couldn't seem to work. Sora clearly had though because he was studying Riku's face intently, and seen how his fists were clenched and entire body seemed tense. He seemed almost angry.

His frown deepened. He grabbed Riku's hand and marched him away from the group, tightening his grip when Riku briefly resisted. "What's wrong?" he repeated once he'd led him back around the corner, putting a hand on Riku's arm.

"It's nothing," he replied lamely.

Sora ducked down in front of his face and peered up at him. Riku was still trying to avoid his eyes, but Sora put his hands on his hips defiantly and weaved his head side to side, chasing Riku's gaze as he kept looking away. "Rikuuuuuu... what's wrong?"

Relenting, Riku stopped trying to turn away. When Sora finally managed to make eye contact his expression softened as he realised Riku wasn't angry at all. He was upset. Sora reached out and took his hands. "What's going on?"

"It's just- I didn't know where you were and... I thought... " he trailed off as his throat started to sting and looked away. "I was just being stupid, don't worry, it's nothing."

Unconvinced, Sora stared up at him with his head tilted to the side. "Doesn't seem like nothing."

Riku thought about the promise Sora had made to him, to not lie and hide his pain from him anymore. He took a deep breath and turned back. "It's... I get scared about losing you again. I've lost you before and- I wasn't sure where you were and I- " He stopped and took another sharp breath as his vision became clouded. "I panicked- I thought- All I could think was that you might have disappeared again." It seemed ridiculous how easily he cried these days.

"Riku..." Sora reached up and put his arms around his neck. He could feel his shoulders trembling. "You're not going to lose me," he told him firmly. "I won't let that happen."

Riku wrapped his arms tightly around his waist. "You can't know that though."

"Well, I guess I can't promise that nothing like that will ever happen... But I promise I'll always do everything I can to keep us together." He loosened his hold so he could pull back and smiled up at him, "We're never losing each other again." Riku smiled back for a moment. Then his face broke, and he buried it in Sora's neck as he began crying softly.

"I thought you were gone again, and I missed you so much," he murmured into his collar. "It was like the year you were asleep, but so much worse."

How many days had he spent staring up at that pod? Watching Sora trapped in sleep and wanting so badly to reach out and touch his face. Watch his vivid blue eyes open. See that stupid grin he loved so much and find out if it looked any different now that his face had grown a year older. Seeing him then, looking far from a kid anymore, had been when he first started to understand the nervous warmth in his chest he felt whenever he stared at him a little too long.

That time had been awful, but at least he'd known he was safe then, with just a layer of glass separating them. The year after he faded... it had been torture. If it hadn't been for his unending drive to find him, he hated to think where the dark thoughts and grief might have taken him. Sora held on to him tightly as he cried. When he lifted his head he stared down with swollen eyes.

"I missed you so much Sora..."

Sora's eyes were shining as well, but he smiled up at him. "I missed you, more than anything!" He put both his hands on Riku's cheeks, wiping away his remaining tears and then gently pressing their faces together. "But I'm back now. I'm not going anywhere."

After a few minutes or so standing together, foreheads and noses resting against the others, the stinging in Riku's eyes and throat had receded

"You OK?" Sora asked, still holding his face in his hands. The corners of Riku's mouth lifted a little as he drew back and opened his eyes again.

"Yeah, I am now." He reached up to rub his eyes and nose, hoping his face wasn't too blotchy. "Heh, I must look like a mess though."

"Only a bit." Sora grinned and gave him a quick kiss. Riku smiled at him, and then his eyes flicked from Sora's eyes to his lips, and back again. Sora's did as well. Riku leaned down and they kissed more slowly this time, his hand moving to the back of Sora's head and into his hair, heart beating a little faster for a different reason now.

Sora was about to suggest that maybe they go back to their room for a little while before dinner, but they were interrupted by the unmistakable voices of Donald and Goofy floating around the corner from the courtyard.

"Soraaaa?"
"Where'd ya go Sora?"

They broke apart reluctantly and Sora gave a groan of disappointment. "Ughh, we better get back." As he tried to move away though Riku smirked and kept his arms around him. "Hey, let me go," Sora laughed, but then his smile disappeared when he saw the smirk on his face. "Riku... what are you doing?"

It was one thing when Kairi or Ven occasionally caught them kissing. It would be quite another thing for Sora if Donald and Goofy were to walk around the corner and find them there. And Riku was well aware of it. "Can't I have one more kiss?" he laughed.

"Hey! Riku no!" Sora tried desperately to wriggle out of his arms, but it was too late. "They'll see-"

"Sora, are you-" Sora twisted his head around and turned crimson as his two friends caught sight of them and Riku planted a very obvious kiss on his cheek. Goofy clapped his hands to his mouth and Donald's jaw dropped. They both stared for a moment, and then dissolved into hysterical laughter, pointing at Sora's red face.

The rest of their evening was relatively uneventful, aside from Donald's constant teasing.

The next morning was less pleasant for Sora, and also for Donald, Goofy, and Mickey. He'd been putting it off until the end of their trip, not wanting it to overshadow their fun. But with their departure home that afternoon approaching he was running out of time. With Riku and Kairi by his side for support, he told them about Rage.

Riku had to take up the story for him several times when the panic threatened to rise but, by some miracle, he made it through without shedding tears this time. Donald and Goofy did not.

As the only ones who had ever witnessed Sora's dark form before, what Sora described shocked them in a different way than anyone else. They had seen Sora transform into it multiple times before he learned to fully control it, and had watched him tear through his enemies with his body, instead of attacking with his weapon or magic. They'd seen that form at its most feral, but they never could have imagined anything like this. Not once had Sora even come close to harming, or even threatening, beings other than Heartless, Nobodies, or Unversed.

Sora had been terrified of telling Mickey, worried he would insist other people, such as Master Yen Sid, needed to know as well. He had been right that the King would suggest this. However, there were few people Mickey trusted more than Riku, Donald, and Goofy. Sora had never been more relieved than when their assurances that he was not a danger easily convinced Mickey to let him share (or maybe not share) the story in his own time.

It took Sora several days to feel fully recovered from their time at Disney Castle, much more from emotional exertion than physical. The next days weren't awful, but he felt drained and distinctly down, wanting to do nothing more than stay in bed all day. It seemed strange that something he had found so enjoyable could contribute to the bad days. It passed though. Just like the bad times before. He was learning more about what a balancing act these feelings could be.

Once it passed he was eager to fly again, and eager as well to test just how much of his strength had come back.

Watching the others fight still gave him trouble at times. The clanging of metal on metal and flashes of flame, ice, and lightning bothered him in ways they never had before. Sometimes he would jealously watch the others sparring and practice for hours, wishing he could join in. Other times he had to leave the hall after just a few minutes, feeling short of breath and detached from the world around him, the noise and lights causing his heart to pound painfully in his throat.

These incidents of panic were gradually becoming less frequent and less intense though. He'd gotten pretty good at noticing the warning signs, and leaving before things became overwhelming. After trying to push through the discomfort twice he'd learned, the hard way, that trying to white-knuckle his way through only made things worse.

After so long practising with no opponent though, he was desperate to join in on their training matches and had finally convinced Riku and the others he was ready to try. Riku had only relented when he pointed out he'd never figure out if he was getting better if he didn't test his limits a little. What Sora considered a little was yet to be seen.

"Don't push yourself too hard!" Kairi called out anxiously as Sora and Ven squared off.

"I won't!" Sora spun his Keyblade in his hand and grinned at Ven. They were both itching to start, shifting their weight back and forth from one foot to another.

"Don't worry, I'll go easy on him!" Ven called back to Kairi and Riku, returning Sora's determined look. Riku smiled, amused despite his worry.

"Alright then," Kairi got ready to count them in. "3, 2, 1, go!"

They dashed towards each other, both ready and rearing to go and Sora felt a rush of joy and adrenaline, revelling in the feeling of duelling again. For 30 seconds he moved through the familiar dance of battle. Then Ven blocked one of his strikes and leapt away, flipping and skidding backwards to absorb the momentum from Sora's blow. As he flew back the white and gold light of the room flashed to black.

Streetlights, buildings.
Cars, rain, flashing screens.

Sora stumbled.

No

Ven grinned, his Keyblade spinning behind him as he prepared to charge.

Ven was flying backwards, his spine cracking against a wall and eyes going blank as his skull smashed against brick.

No. Not again

As Ven ran forward, preparing to return Sora's strike, his smile faltered. "Ven stop!" Riku's yell echoed through the hall as Sora's weapon dropped to the ground and he grasped his head.

Ven was sliding to the pavement, crumpling to the ground, blood streaking the wall behind him.

Not again...

Ven dismissed his Keyblade and reached out a hand as he sprinted towards him.

As Sora's head hit the ground, the city streets faded away.

"Sora?"

He opened his eyes and found himself staring at Riku's knees. He was lying on his side on the cold tiles of the hall but didn't remember how he got there.

"Can you hear me?" Riku asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. Sora turned to see him looking down at him anxiously, with Kairi and Ven peering over his shoulders. Based on his current position, pounding headache, and the churning in his stomach, he could guess what had just happened.

"Yeah..." he sighed. He rolled onto his back and draped an arm over his eyes, not ready to try sitting up yet. The nausea was still too strong. "How long was I out?"

"Just a minute. You OK?"

"Yeah, you might have to leave me here for a while though, unless you feel like getting me a bucket..." Riku chuckled and sat down beside him, rubbing his shoulder. "Sorry Ven," he groaned

"It's fine Sora!" He and Kairi came and sat down with Riku as well while they waited for Sora to start feeling better. "What happened?" Ven asked,

Sora shifted his arm from his face and stared up at the high ceiling above them. It was a very different view from the vision that had flashed before his eyes a few moments ago. "I thought I was back there for a moment."

"Quadratum?"

"Yeah, on that night." The others didn't need him to explain which night he meant. "I guess it reminded me of what happened... and seeing myself attacking you, Ven."

Though Sora hadn't recounted the entire story to Ventus or Terra, through conversations with him and the other three they were also now aware of his experiences with Rage in Quadratum. Sora had asked them not to share it with anyone else. Even Roxas only knew a little of what had happened. His group of friends at the castle felt closer to family these days, and right now he didn't want the story to extend further than them, Goofy, Donald, and Mickey.

Only Riku and Kairi knew about the cracks in his heart though. That, and the potential cause of the damage, wasn't something he ever wanted Ven to know about. Kairi had been relieved beyond belief when Naminé told her she had never seen that type of damage in Sora's heart, so harbouring her own heart couldn't have contributed to it. She hated to think how Ven might feel if he heard the opposite news.

"That sounds awful..." Kairi said sadly.

"Yeah..." Ven sighed as well. "It still seems so strange that your Rage form was like that, it never seemed like someone else, it always seemed like it was just a part of you." They all turned to stare at him in shock, and Sora lifted his head from the floor.

"You've seen Rage?!"

Ven looked surprised himself for a moment. "No - I don't think - I'm not sure why I said that..." He furrowed his brow, staring at the ground and thinking. "But I think it's true. I don't really remember anything clearly from when my heart was inside of yours but... It's like I remember how it felt sometimes."

The others were staring at him with open mouths, he'd never spoken about that time before. When he didn't go on Sora pushed himself up from the cold tiles. "But you remember Rage? What do you remember about it?" he asked urgently. Ven shook his head though.

"No... sorry it was just like a flash of memory, just a feeling. But it's gone now." He looked up at Sora, who was staring at him imploringly. "It's weird though, the way you described what Rage did to you back then, it sounded a lot like when Vanitus tried to take control of me, but when you were in Rage form in the past, it was nothing like that... I think." He sighed and shook his head again, eyes back on the ground. "Sorry, I'm not really sure what I'm talking about."

"No, thanks for telling me Ven, that's really... interesting..." he trailed off, thinking for a while, then remembered the other thing Ven had said. "I'm really sorry you went through that with Vanitus, it must have been really awful." It had never occurred to him that Ven's experience with Vanitus might have been similar.

"Yeah, it was." He looked up again now and smiled at Sora though. "But I'm still here, thanks to you."

Sora grinned back at the friend - brother - who, if things had got slightly differently, wouldn't have been here now. Some of those cracks in his heart were definitely worth it.

They abandoned the idea of sparring more that morning, but even going back to practising without a partner left Sora with a tight knot in his stomach. By the end of the day, he was feeling dejected and doubtful again about ever recovering his fighting abilities.

"We just have to take it slow, I'm sure it will stop happening eventually," Riku tried to reassure him as they cooked together in the kitchen that evening.

"Maybe..." The word eventually bothered him.

Kairi and Ven were sitting at the table, playing cards while the boys made dinner, and Kairi had a sudden idea. "Hey, what if you just start off defending? " she suggested. "Maybe if you're not doing any attacking it won't feel as much like that?"

He thought about it for a while. The prospect of trying again made him feel a little ill, but it seemed like a good idea. He smiled and nodded. "OK... OK I'll give it a try."

"Rematch tomorrow then?" Ven called out.

Sora couldn't help grinning. "Alright, you're on."
Maybe Riku was right. With them there to help him, eventually, he would get there.

Chapters 30 and 31 posted on AO3