сдаваться

.

.

You've given up, Jack, she tells me.
She's right with every word she says.

Yesterday, I fell asleep at some point. Tomorrow morning was the first time in days that I was not affected by any drugs when I woke up. The effects must have worn off at some point during the night.
When I woke up, all I felt was a giant hangover.

I had slept on the one side of my cell where there were those metal bars. That was the side pointing towards the hallway.
It cost me some effort to crawl back to the other side of the cell and get the blanket. I wrapped it around my cold shoulders to warm myself up again after sleeping on the cold floor.
Life is hell. Being here and being alive is hell.
But no, I'm not gonna beg the Chinese to kill me. I won't break. I have to pay and I will.

The whole morning, I sat there, staring at the spot behind the metal bars. It's the main hallway, the corridor. But at the same time, it's the place where I've seen Audrey for the last time. I remember stretching out my arm, into the corridor, trying to touch her, thinking it was really her, out there.
The whole morning long I just stared at the point out there. It were dark green tiles. The looked cold. They were cold. Like everything here was.

But at least it's not as bad as Sengala. It's worse than Russia - because there, they don't seem to harm me at all, except for the few times when the guards let people beat me or waterboard me in return for some money.
The Chinese seem to have a plan. I'm not here for no reason, I know that. But I haven't yet found out what their plan was. Maybe revenge for Cheng? For messing up Cheng's plans in London? Couldn't be. They wouldn't pay that much money to get me into their hands. They would be happy that I'm locked away, forever, and I guess they wouldn't worry too much if it was them, locking me away, or the Russians.

But they need to have a reason to keep me here and to torture me.

Nobody talked to me.

Nobody asked me any questions.

But still they keep torturing me. They have kept me on their pain drugs for the past five days, and I'm guessing that they will repeat their procedures.

Sitting in my cell, my only thought was: why? why were they doing this to me?
I guess I sat there for hours, wrapped into my blanket.

And at one point, Audrey was there again.

I hadn't seen her come.

Suddenly she was there, right at the metal bars. I watched her, how she slowly sat down, looking at me, all the time.

Our views were locked on each other's eyes.

I crawled over to her, slowly, not to shoo her away by moving too fast.

She sat there, silently, and I could see the hurt in her eyes, when she looked at me. I just had to reassure her that I was okay.

But she knew that I wasn't - and finally she said it to me: You've given up, Jack.

She's right with every word she says.

Instead of shaking my head and denying it, I finally say yes. I don't have to lie to her. I have really given myself up.

They are doing unspeakable things to you, she says.

I just nod my head slightly and lean against the metal bars, like she does. Even our shoulders touch slightly.
I am electrified by the touch- denying every thought that tells me she's maybe not real, that she's not there.
Feeling her body, only that small portion of her shoulder rest against mine makes me forget anything else.

Her right hand lies between two bars, she waits for me to take it.
I hesitatingly do. With everything I do, I am afraid to destroy the picture of her.

Touching her is great. Her hand is warm, compared to mine. Her skin feels soft, softer than anything I remember.

Immovably we sit there, for a few minutes, as she is running her thumb softly over my hand. We're both looking at the same spot: some fresh scars that I carried home from my recent stay in Sengala.

Awful things happened to you, she remarks, softly stroking the scar that stretches from my thumb all the way up to the tattoo on my lower arm.

It's okay. I'm okay with it, I answer, and try to smile. No use. She doesn't see it anyway, staring at my hand.

Who did that to you?, she asks.

Sengalans, I answer, wondering why my mind wants me to have such a conversation with her. Was it because that imaginary picture of her wasn't there with me? I saw her in my cell in Russia. But not in Sengala.
I missed you down there, I add. I missed you all the way.

She finally stops stroking my skin and just firmly takes my hand into hers. You shouldn't be here, she says.

I'm okay with it. I'm okay with what they do.

No, you can't be.

I am. I want to see you in heaven, and I have to pay for my sins.

She looks up, I can feel how her body moves. I slowly follow her, doing the same, pushing myself a few inches away from the metal bars so can look into her eyes.

Her face is right next to mine.
Today she looks so real. She never looked that real, not once, not ever before.

They are doing this to you because of me, she says.

I only let them do this because of you, I add. Otherwise I won't ever see you again.

She vehemently shakes her head. You are seeing me right now, she hisses, there is no 'then'!

I hope there in an afterlife, Audrey, I say. It's the only thought that keeps me alive at all. I pay for my sins. I die. It will become better then. I want to meet you on the other side.

You're not there yet. You're here now. With me!

She's angry. I can see it in her eyes. I don't want to see her like this. There's only one way to stop this: I have to tell her that she's not real. Whenever I do that, the picture of her goes away.

You're not in any afterlife! You are here! In this life!

I see how angry she is with me.

You've given up, Jack! Why the hell have you given yourself up?!, she almost shouts at me.

I can't stand to see her like this.
Because you're not real, Audrey, I finally tell, waiting for her face to disappear.

But it doesn't disappear. My imagination must have become stronger. I must have become crazier. The Chinese's drugs have helped for sure. You're not real, Audrey, I repeat.

Suddenly she stretches out both her hands and harshly grabs my head, as if to remind me that she was real. I am here!, she hisses. Why the hell have you given up, Jack?!

You're not real, Audrey, I repeat, I saw your coffin. I saw your dad weep. I wept for you. Cheng's men killed you. I have to tell myself and her these awful things to remind myself that she's not real. I'm going crazy now, I am. I am mixing up reality and imagination.

Two guards come now, down the hallway.

They grab her by her shoulders and tear her away.

I am even glad that they do.

The thought of her, being alive and being here, trapped in this hellhole... that thought was worse than the pain from the drugs.

I still sit by the bars, and in my mind, I watch how the guards tear her away from me, down the corridor. She's screaming all the way. She's screaming that she's alive. That she's real. And that I fail her by giving myself up like I do.

What a twisted mind.

.

.