вместе

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We reached the road after six and a half hours. When I put Audrey down, I dared to look at my wrist watch for the first time. It was almost seven now, and bright. We're late for meeting Belcheck. I planned to be here around four or five a.m. - at least reach this point in darkness.
There was a little forest next to the street. The undergrowth was dense enough to hide there, still beneath those aluminum coated blankets that reflect our body heat, to cover from satellite images. I guess hiding from them worked. We met no-one on the way out. The Chinese didn't find us. I'm sure they screened all their satellite images, but we hid most of our heat tracks with these blankets. There are animals out there which leave a bigger thermal footprint than we did. Given that, it's not that easy to find us on a black in black, dark satellite picture.

We made it. That's all that matters. For once, one of my risky plans worked out.

Belcheck patrolled the road in a red van from the Kazakh power company. He told me that he'd drive up and down between two small cities, passing by every one and a half hours. I saw him coming from far, after waiting for another hour. Those few steps, just out of the cover in the undergrowth and towards the street were awful. They hurt even more than the last hour with Audrey on my back.
He stopped right away, to pick us up.

I already feared that Audrey wouldn't trust him enough to get into the car. But either she was too tired from the past hours to struggle against boarding a car with a stranger, or she saw that he was a friend of mine.

We're both lying in the back of the van now, on the floor, between tools and boxes full of spare parts and cables. I should change clothes, into the uniform of the power company, not to attract attention in case we have to stop. But I'm way too tired to do this. Even Belcheck saw that, I guess. That's why he helped me get into the back of the van, and not to sit in front, next to him.

I'm lying here, on my back, and the chuckholes sway me back and forth, I'm even too tired to fight that.

She's lying right next to me.
I fight to keep my eyes open and look at her, even though I'm tired. I want to make sure that she's okay.

She looks like she is.

An hour ago, when we reached the street, we took cover in the undergrowth. It was a confined space and we ended up lying there together, her back against my front, my arms around her. I feared that she would - but she didn't fight it. On the contrary. She snuggled up to me, as if she savored my nearness.
I would have loved to stay there, with her, forever. Just close my eyes and fall asleep.

But we couldn't. I kept talking to her, to keep her and myself awake. We had to wait for our ride. Hiding in the undergrowth, he would have never found us.

Now the pressure is gone. My eyes won't stay open for much longer, they're gonna fail me, now matter how much I'd want to keep them open. If I fall asleep, she'll be 'alone' with Belcheck. I hope that she won't freak out. I hope she saw that he's our friend who means just as well as I do.

I have no idea when, if or how Audrey will turn back into the woman she was before all that. She managed to recover once already, and I'm sure that she can do that again.
Looking into her eyes I can see that there's something of her true self left, beneath all that. Up to now she didn't say one word at all, but we never needed many words to communicate. I see that she's glad, after all, to be here, even if she doesn't say it or can't say it. She looks relieved.
She recognizes me, I am sure. There's a little smile on her face, after I smile at her. She knows who I am, I can feel it.

I'm seeing her in the daylight for the first time ever since London. Her body looks awful. Even through the clothes I can see how skinny she is. They didn't treat her well. I've just started to get better myself, but for her it will be a long way to go.
I look up into her eyes again and try to put the other thoughts aside. I don't want to turn angry. She would feel it, and she wouldn't understand. I have to show her a little smile, to tell her everything is okay now. It's not - we're still only a few miles away from the Chinese border, in the middle of a rough foreign country that could put us behind bars or extradite us any time.

I'll keep those worries to myself for now. She needs the feeling of safety, to recover, even if it's only a mere illusion.

I close my eyes and just lie there for a few moments. Sleep is just about to get me, when I feel her hand on my chest. I almost jerk as she touches me. Don't jerk, damn it! This is good! Don't scare her away!
I open my eyes again and look into hers. She's smiling slightly. She looks happy, no matter what's going on all around us. The look in her eyes and her hand that lies softly on my chest tell me that it's okay for her if I fall asleep next to her.

I don't know how much time passes. Must have been hours.

When I wake up, the car is already parked, the back doors of the van are open and reveal an inner yard of an old house, there's an open door, waiting for us. Audrey, having moved, woke me up. She pulled her legs towards her, hugging them, having moved to the most inner part of the van.
Belcheck is standing at the open doors of the van. She's obviously afraid of him.
I don't know what the Chinese did to her. It must have been something bad, what happened in the past seven weeks. She's changed, compared to what I saw of her, two months ago. She's unable to speak, and she obviously lost trust in anyone, even into people who I told her are our friends.

He is our friend, Audrey, I tell her, rolling onto my side to get up. She doesn't even listen to me and keeps sitting in a corner, away from the doors.

Belcheck helps me to get up and out of the van. I hoped that this would show her that she can trust him, but it obviously isn't enough.
I have to help her out of the van. She won't let him touch her or be anywhere near her. That's gonna be a problem, one that we have to solve, the sooner the better. I need Belcheck's help to get through Kazakhstan and eventually out of the country and back to Europe. His Russian is perfect. He can blend in anywhere around here, he can get us access to places I couldn't even get close to. We need him to survive.

Though I am hardly able to stand and walk, I help Audrey into the house. My legs hurt, my back hurts, I'm totally exhausted and probably also dehydrated. I took amphetamines before going on that trip. They probably increased my tolerance limit for pain and exhaustion, but now that they're not longer showing their effects, all the dams are breaking. I already feel getting a hangover from that abuse of drugs and my body.

We rented a house for a few nights, somewhere out in the land. Belcheck rented it, using false names and telling them we were from that electric power company. Our van fits the cover story. I guess we're safe here, at least for a few days.

There are only two bedrooms. I don't wanna share one with Belcheck and I don't wanna leave Audrey alone. The bed is large enough, so I help her into the room and let her lie down on the bed. I lie down there, too, keeping enough space between us not to give her an impression of harassing her. I still don't know if she fully trusts me or if I'm just 'less bad' than other men for her right now. We were close during the past hours - but out of necessity. Maybe the things that I already thought were good meant nothing at all.

Right now I don't even care. I'm so tired that I fall asleep right away.

When I wake up again, I have a massive headache. I should have eaten and drunk something. Amphetamines take away your thirst and hunger - but not the headache that inevitably comes when you walk eight miles carrying someone without drinking enough.

It takes me a while to come to myself again - but when I see that the bed next to me is empty, the headache is forgotten in an instant. She's gone!

With one jolt I'm awake and sitting, when I spot her, lying on the floor, in the corner of the room, curled up in a ball. Asleep.

I remember this. I remember being on the ship to Havana - I didn't feel like sleeping on the bed. I just couldn't - and even now I can't put it into words why.

She's fast asleep. She doesn't even move as I get out of bed, open the door and get something to eat for myself and a bottle of water. What a lousy caretaker am I? I haven't even asked her up to now if she also wants something. She looks like she's used to not getting anything- but she must be close to starving.

I get a piece of bread and some cheese for her and another bottle of water. I sneak through the room, over to her and put the plate down on the ground, in front of her so she'll have something when she wakes up. I don't wanna wake her up right now. She deserves the sleep and needs it, just as much as I do.

My headache is already getting better. Drinking a whole bottle of water helped.

I lie down again, on the bed, but this time at the other side of it, so I can see her. She's lying there, peacefully. If I could only wake her up and tell her... damn it, what would I tell her? That I love her? That she means so much to me? That she's all I still have? All that I'm fighting for, all that gives my life sense?
I can't tell her anything of that all. It would be way too much for her, given the shape she's in. Treat her carefully, don't rush her. Don't put any pressure on her. Shield her from reality, as well as you can, no matter at what cost.

I can't wake her up. She deserves the sleep. At least she took the blanket and one of the cushions with her, to the floor.
I love watching her sleep. It's something I could do forever.

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